01x01 - Insecure as F**k

(people vocalizing)

♪ Alls my life I has to fight, nigga ♪
♪ Alls my life I ♪
♪ Hard times like, "God!" ♪
♪ Bad trips like, "Yah!" ♪
♪ Nazareth, I'm f*cked up, homie, you f*cked up ♪
♪ But if God got us, then we gonna be all right ♪
♪ Nigga, we gonna be all right... ♪

Woman: And We Got Y'all offers after school tutoring, mentoring programs, community service, standardized test coaching,

Big Brother Big Sister, and just general filling in the cracks.

As youth liaison, I can assure you that whatever it is you need to succeed, we got y'all.

So do y'all have any questions?

Don't be shy, guys. Fire away.

Why you talk like a white girl?

(kids laugh)

Ha.

You caught me. I'm rocking blackface.

(chuckles)

(whispers) That's racist.

Any other questions?

What's up with your hair?

I don't know what you mean.

My cousin can put some tracks in it, unless you like it like that.

You rude. She African.

(kids laughing)

We're all from Africa, guys.

Absolutely. Let's stick to questions about the program.

(whispers) Sorry.

Is this what you always wanted to do?

Uh, no, but I got this job after college and it fit my interest at the time.

Are you single?

Uh, I don't think that's appropriate.

Yeah, she's single.

(kids laughing)

Okay, since you guys are so interested in my personal life, here it is... I'm 28, actually 29, 'cause today's my birthday.

I came from a great family, I have a college degree.

I work in the nonprofit world because I like to give back.

I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and I did this to my hair on purpose.

So, I hope that covers everything.

Does anybody actually have any questions about We Got Y'all?

Why ain't you married?

I'm just not right now.

My dad said ain't nobody checkin' for bitter-ass black women anymore.

(kids laughing)

Dayniece, that's detention. Apologize now.

(mocking) Sorry.

That... that's okay. And tell your dad that black women aren't bitter.

They're just tired of being expected to settle for less.

Her outfit settled for less.

(kids laughing)

♪ Bitch, I'm taking calls, no small talk ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm taking calls, no small talk... ♪

Woman's voice: My boss founded a nonprofit to help kids from the hood, but she didn't hire anybody from the hood.

I'm torn between the Booker T. method and the DuBois method.

What would James Baldwin say is most beneficial for people of color?

In 2016? That's what you're talking about?

Woman's voice: I've been here five years and they think I'm the token with all the answers.

Let's just ask Issa.

Issa, what's "on fleek"?

I don't know what that means.

Issa's voice: I know what that sh1t means.

But being aggressively passive is what I do best.

I used to keep a journal to vent.

Now I just write raps.

♪ Go, shawty, it's my birthday ♪
♪ But no one cares because I'm not having a party ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm feeling sorry for my... self. ♪

(chimes)

(music playing)

♪ Good runs all through you ♪
♪ I can't help myself ♪

♪ You found my weakest spot... ♪

♪ Oh, look, nigga, guess you're still single ♪
♪ Couldn't find another bitch to make your toes tingle ♪
♪ Hot sh1t. ♪

Issa's voice: How different would my life be if I actually went after what I wanted?

Maybe I'd be more like my best friend, Molly.

She's like the Will Smith of corporate.

So, they want us to be more environmentally responsible.

But it's like, seriously, why do we need trees?

(all laughing)

Issa's voice: White people looove Molly.

Black people also looove Molly.

Domino, bitch!

Issa's voice: What am I doing wrong?

Wait. You got the LaVinci family to settle?

Yep.

No frickin' way. How?

I convinced their youngest son to testify.

His inheritance was already guaranteed.

God, that's unbelievable. Please, please teach me your ways.

(phone chimes)

One day.

Oh, is that that Arab guy?

Yes. He says, "Hey."

I love it.

So sweet. What are you gonna write back?

I think I'm just gonna call him 'cause, I mean, "hey" means "I wanna talk," right?

Yeah, sure, I think it could.

(phone chimes)

What'd he say?

He... he must be texting me from a meeting.

You know, he's a product engineer, so he's probably engineering sh1t as we speak.

Seems like you really like him.

You know, I do.

We've only been on three dates, but he's so different.

I never thought I'd end up with someone who wasn't black.

You know?

Totally.

Me and Jamal are always talking about how we're not each other's types, but, I don't know, it works.

(laughs) Girl, Jamal is frontin'.

Niggas love Asians and Latinas and Indians and white chicks and mixed chicks.

But you know what, if they are not checkin' for me, I ain't checkin' for them.

(chimes)

Jamal said I was his first.

We were just going with the flow.

It came out of nowhere, 'cause, personally, I thought we were having a good time.

Wait? Whose idea was it to go with the flow?

Oh, it was mutual.

Mm.

Okay, bitch, it was his, but I was cool with it.

Was he hairy?

He was Arab.

So, yeah.

Absolutely.

And then he was also, like, calling me every day and sending me text messages.

Oh, damn.

Right?

And then this m*therf*cker got the audacity to hit me with this bullshit.

"Sorry. I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

Sad face."

He did not sad face you. I will slap you right... bish... whaat?

That's my life.

Can we eat? I'm hungry as f*ck, okay?

Have you ever tried, like, the raw meat?

Not that raw meat, but you know what I'm sayin'.

But, like, the food. (giggles)

You okay?

Yeah, girl. You know what, this is your birthday.

I don't wanna make this about me. No.

Girl, stop. What's going on?

(sighs)

It's, like, it doesn't matter what I do, Issa.

If I'm into them, then I'm too smothering.

If I take my time or try to give them space, "Oh, I didn't think you were into me."

Fine. s*x right away. Lose interest.

Wait to have s*x. Lose interest.

If I don't have s*x at all... m*therf*cker, no!

I'm a grown-ass woman. I did not sign up for that bullshit.

I think your pussy's broken.

What?

No, I read about it.

It's, like, pussies breaking everywhere.

I think your pussy's sad. It's had enough.

And if it could talk, it would make that sad Marge Simpson groan.

(groans)

Yes, that's it! That's your pussy!

You're an asshole. f*ck you, Issa.

They're gonna kick us out this restaurant.

Are you ladies ready?

Uh, no.

Can you give us, like, two minutes?

We're just, you know.

All right.

She not gonna come back for hours.

Her broke pussy talking.

Where's the broken pussy? Choose number four.

Thanks for treating me, girl.

You know I got you.

Now, why don't you go home and get you some of that good birthday ass?

"Yes, Lawrence. How you doin' there?"

Actually, I'm thinking about ending things with Lawrence.

I'm sorry, what was that? Did you not just see me crying tears of singleness in there?

No, no, no. One of us is having s*x tonight.

We don't do anything. Like, there's no excitement.

It's just too comfortable.

Okay, wait. Are you guys fighting or what?

No, I wish.

Sometimes I wish he'd just slap the sh1t out of me out of angry passion.

Not really, but kinda.

So, you're an idiot. That's cool.

No, seriously. I'm starting to resent him.

Like, I spent my entire 20s with a dude that I'm not even gonna end up with.

Well, I mean, you're still 29.

You got one more year.

Bitch, you're right.

I know.

I don't have time for the bullshit anymore.

Wait, what are you saying?

I'm breaking up with him tonight.

Bitch, no you're not.

Yeah, you're right I'm not.

'Course I'm not.

I know you.

Hey. Happy birthday, babe.

Thank you.

Why aren't you dressed? The show starts at 10:00, right?

I bombed the interview.

Jeez, Lawrence.

I... I just got nervous, and I started saying stuff that didn't make any sense.

I didn't talk about anything I could bring to the table.

I just spit words out.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

No, I literally spit on him, all right?

Then I spilled hot coffee all over his desk.

Never mind, then.

Hey, I'm sorry for ruining your birthday.

All right? But can we, you know, do a Redbox movie and just stay in?

I promise I'll make it up to you.

Come on, hmm?

Hmm? Mm-wah! All right, thanks.

Let me finish watching this video and then we can go to 7-Eleven.

Man on TV: You want pecs? You want abs?

It takes f*cking discipline.

So stop making excuses and do it.

Make it happen.

It's not gonna happen... by sittin' on your ass!

What did you want to rent?

You know what, you pick.

Man: I wish I could come through that screening

pump the f*ck out of your lazy ass.

And these poor, poor children need our guidance more than anything.

They were so intent on not acknowledging the burdens that face them every day.

They focused mostly on Issa's love life, which I have to say served as a great icebreaker.

(all laugh)

Ahem, Thomas Jefferson Middle School statistics state that 40% will not graduate high school and 20% will become teen parents.

(fading) We absolutely have to intervene.

(echoing) Educated black women are highly unlikely to get married the more education they have.

On the bright side, many black women are work-focused and find happiness in their careers.

(heart beating)

But, then, there is a small percentage of pathetic women who have neither.

They are purposeless.

You're wrong!

What is she wrong about, Issa?

What do you think we need to do to help these kids?

Well, stop treating them like they're all the same, for one.

They already get enough of that.

I think these kids need permission to explore on their own.

Okay, well, where does We Got Y'all fit in?

Right, uh... nothing's gonna change for these kids if they're stuck in the same shitty place.

They need to know that there's more out there for them.

So, as youth liaison, I want to take the lead on building a program for the kids outside of the school.

Great. Work with Frieda.

Have a proposal to me by Monday.

All right, Ken and Patricia...

Love it.

...tell me about San Pedro Middle School.

Ken: Last year, we had black and white.

(phone buzzing)

We didn't want to spend a lot on the brochures, but...

Good job.

Thanks.

Diane: I just was not expecting it!

I walk in, and, first of all, he was being shady.

All night I had no idea what was going on.

And I go into the house...

Hey, guys.

What'd I miss?

(screams)

Molly, I got engaged. He proposed last night!

Wow. Oh, my God.

I'm so happy for you.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Finish the story. Finish the story.

Okay, okay.

So, um, okay. So, where was I?

I walked in and my favorite flowers are, like, everywhere.

And he had these little notes that were, like, tied to balloons.

Balloons. Wow, for real?

Girl, that... that is crazy. Balloons.

Yeah, they were, like, tied to my friends and family... sorry.

Wow, balloons.

Man: That's insane. You deserve it.

(phone rings)

Hi, girl.

It is never happening for me.

You sound like you're exercising. You don't exercise.

Diane got engaged.

To her black boyfriend?

Yes!

Damn!

That wife "others" up with a quickness.

Right? And they don't even have to be that cute.

You know, I'm not trying to be shady, but why does she deserve to get married, and I don't?

Girl, stop. Who says you don't deserve to be married?

Jesus, apparently!

He the nigga that gave me this broken-ass pussy!

Okay, listen, I promise Jesus isn't conspiring against you and your pussy.

You need to go out tonight.

No.

I'm taking you out. Be ready by 8:00. Bye.

Wait...

Issa? Issa?

♪ Lavish, lavish ♪
♪ Welcome to the life of the rich and the fly ♪
♪ Got a 9-inch dick that'll f*ck your mind up ♪
♪ I'm a bad-ass kid 'bout to tear sh1t up... ♪

Hi, I'm sexy.

Let's get outta here. You're super!

Oh, my God, you're a music producer. Do you know Beck?

I don't make love, I f*ck.

You want some of this pussy pot pie?

Pop, pop, pop! Prrrrr pop, pop!

Pot pie!

(British accent) Well, hello, Daniel.

No, you drive on the wrong side of the street.

(normal accent) Let me sprinkle some pussy Parmesan on you.

(laughing) Awesome.

You hungry?

Hey, tiger. Mm-hmm.

No, that's so stupid.

Take a drink. Whoo! Shots, shots!

(rolls tongue)

You gonna take this nonny or not?

Take this nonny! Take it!

(groans)

It's too aggressive.

♪ Lavish life ♪
♪ Lavish, lavish fly ♪
♪ Welcome to the life of the rich and the fly. ♪


(crunching)

Wow. What are you all dressed up for?

I'm taking Molly out tonight.

On a date? Should I be jealous? (chuckles)

Uh, no, she's just really upset and I want to make her feel better.

What's wrong with her now?

She doesn't think she'll ever get married.

Ha! She might be onto something.

Don't be a dick. Dating is hard.

Not if she didn't take it so seriously.

Plus her standards are way too high.

Yeah, maybe she should lower them like I did.

(chuckles) Wait, what the f*ck?

Never mind. Just forget it. I'm sorry.

No. What's that supposed to mean?

It means sometimes I don't know what the f*ck we're doing.

Uh, we're together?

Yeah, but where are we going?

Are we here? Is this it?

Babe.

Because maybe I didn't know it before, but I know it now, and I don't wanna just sit on the couch with you for the rest of my life and wait for something to happen.

What are you talking about?

Nobody's just sitting on the couch.

I'm almost done with my business plan.

You know, I'm just getting my sh1t together.

You've been getting your sh1t together for four years, Lawrence.

(sighs)

I just feel like we're wasting our time.

I don't have time to waste.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying maybe we should get our sh1t together separately and see what happens.

You wanna break up with me?

Molly's waiting on me. I'm... gonna spend the night at her house.

We can talk about this tomorrow.

Hey. Issa!

See you later.

Hey! Iss!

(music blaring)

(chatter)

Issa, why are we in 1997 Inglewood?

Bitch, I don't know. I've never been here before.

But I've heard really good things.

Nigga, from who, your middle-school Crips?

Will you stop being all judgmental, okay?

I could've taken you to some stuck-up Hollywood spot with a bunch of assholes, but we're here, okay?

Let's have fun tonight.

(Marge Simpson groan)

(mouths word) Yes.

Fine, but you are buying me a drink.

Okay. You're gonna have some drinks tonight.

You're gonna get so f*cked up. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh. It's gonna be a strong drink.

♪ Pocket back, blow a dime sack ♪
♪ Man, I love shootin' these niggers ♪
♪ f*ck the police and f*ck the feds ♪
♪ I love shooting' these niggers... ♪

So, are y'all broken up or not?

I think so.

You know, I told him how I felt, and his last words were, "You wanna break up with me?"

And you said?

That I was spending the night at your house and that we'd talk about it later.

But I'm pretty sure he got the message.

Yeah, and the message was, "She mad, we good."

We need to find you somebody.

Every dude in here got dry cornrows.

That's a fact.

Listen, bougie bitch, half of these dudes are cute, okay?

Where? Mm-mm.

What?

Let's just go stand by them so they notice you.

Since when did you become Party McPartisan?

I usually have to drag your ass out.

Come on, over here.

What? Issa, where are we going?

No. Jesus.

(music playing)

(chatter)

(both vocalizing)

♪ Crying on the bathroom floor full of tears ♪
♪ My baby mama left me, said I couldn't face my fears... ♪

(sobbing)

No, let me finish. I got it.

♪ Hey, yo, you a bitch... ♪

Ah, ah, ah.

Pop it. Yes. Yes.

I'm not doing this.

♪ Couldn't relive it ♪
♪ She got an iceberg heart ♪
♪ She just sunk my ship... ♪

He's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

Hey. How y'all ladies doing tonight?

Both: Good.

I'm Jered, by the way.

Molly.

Nice to meet you.

Issa.

Uh...

So, like, y'all performing? What's going on?

Oh, my God, no.

We didn't even know it was this kind of a party.

Oh, word.

Are you performing?

No. Hell, no. Hell, no. No, no, no.

Thank God.

My little brother is.

I don't know if this is really his kind of crowd, you know what I mean?

Oh, you mean he's not a gin and juice, smoke weed every day, f*ck bitches, get money kinda guy?

Ha! He's more like a skinny-jeans, juicing-type dude.

(laughing)

M.C.: Hey, give it up for Train Wreck.

(cheering)

So, your little brother?

Yeah, yeah.

Is he a poet?

He's supposed to be up there soon.

Yeah.

(music playing)

Yo.

♪ I should be downtown whippin' on the way to you ♪
♪ You've got something that belongs to me... ♪

Iss!

Daniel? Whoa, hey!

What are you even doing here?

My friend's performing tonight.

I produce some of his tracks.

What are you doing here?

Oh, um, my friend Molly had suggested, um, here, this place, where we are.

What a coincidence. How was your birthday?

Oh, it was chill. You know, nothing special.

Well, we're celebrating tonight. Let me get you a drink.

Okay.

♪ But you don't have the time ♪
♪ To wait on me... ♪

What you want?

A vodka tonic.

Two vodka tonics, man.

♪ This is 'tween us, you and I are committed ♪
♪ I'm the type of player always rep my city ♪

♪ Step to the plate like I'm a Ken Griffey ♪

♪ Grand slam, bringing three hos home with me ♪
♪ Slide to home base, hit 450... ♪

Wait. I just don't understand why these grown-ass men are still dressing like Kris Kross.

I bagged you looking like Kris Kross.

Okay, that was high school when I thought prison jeans were sexy, and you didn't bag me till college, f*ck you very much.

I'm pretty sure my jeans were still sagging then.

Oh. Well, I'm just glad your pants grew up.

♪ Show me you can biddy up ♪

♪ Let me see you giddy up. ♪

(cheering)

Yo, remember when we used to rap?

You still flow?

You know, I might actually still write.

You lying. You lying.

M.C.: All right, now. It's open mic night.

So you rappers, singers, get it off your chest, all right?

I dare you.

No. I'm... nope.

Come on, Iss. It was just your birthday.

You're never gonna have this moment again.

(exhales) You got this.

You got this.

What up, y'all?

(chattering)

You were polite.

Yo.

Isn't that your girl?

What?

(music playing)

That's your girl, right?

What the f*ck?

♪ Love rookie ♪
♪ She give them all the cookies ♪
♪ By cookies I mean pussy ♪
♪ This girl is kinda loosey ♪
♪ Dudes take her off the shelf ♪
♪ And they put her on credit ♪
♪ 30 days later, they return it and regret it ♪
♪ Used like a dishrag, dumped with a hashtag ♪
♪ I blame it on the pussy, that sh1t must be bad ♪
♪ Broken pussy ♪
♪ Broken pussy ♪
♪ Maybe it's dry as hell ♪
♪ Maybe it really smells ♪
♪ Broken pussy... ♪

Oh, my God. She's talking about me.

♪ Maybe it's really rough, maybe it's had enough ♪
♪ Broken pussy ♪
♪ Nobody wants you 'cause you got a broken pussy ♪

♪ Nobody wants you 'cause you got a broken pussy ♪

♪ Broken pussy ♪

Crowd: ♪ Broken pussy ♪

All: ♪ Broken pussy ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Maybe it's really rough, maybe it's had enough ♪

All: ♪ Broken pussy ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Maybe it's really rough, maybe it's had enough ♪

All: ♪ Broken pussy ♪

♪ Hey, broken pussy. ♪

(cheering, applause)

Thank you, guys.

Girl, I'm sorry, okay? It wasn't even about you.

Daniel dared me to do it.

And you know how we were talking about this being the last year of my 20s and how I need to make the most of it.

I don't even know what came over me, but I just went up there and I just did that sh1t, you know?

Oh! I mean, I don't know. You tell me.

I thought I was pretty good up there.

Mm-hmm.

So, am I still spending the night, or no... t?

Yo, can you shut the f*ck up?!

Damn!

What did I say?

The only reason we came to that hoodrat-ass club tonight is so that you could hook up with Daniel.

I didn't even know he was gonna be there.

Just stop it. You knew.

This was always about you.

It was about you, too.

Is my life a joke to you? No, no, no, real talk.

'Cause it's bad enough that I got to deal with real triflin' niggas and real untraditional niggas on a daily basis.

Now I got to worry about dealing with a triflin' best friend?

You made a joke of my heartbreak up there.

I didn't mean to. I didn't think about it like that.

That's the damn problem, Issa. You don't stop to think about the sh1t you do can actually affect others.

Are you kidding me?

My whole life is about how sh1t affects others, okay?

My job, my boyfriend, you.

I care about how sh1t affects you, too.

I always listen to you.

You only listen to me because I make you feel better about you.

(phone chimes)

Damn it. This is bullshit.

I didn't even want to go out tonight.

You drag me out here, then I meet a decent dude, but you should've seen how fast Jered left.

You're right.

What if he was the one?

Oh, that's right, nigga.

I'll never know.

(muttering)

Never know.

Bitch, I know you did not just respond to that motherfucking text message.

I didn't.

You're lying.

Did you just send a text message?

I swear on my brother's life and my life I did not send a text.

(phone whooshes)

Okay, now it's technically sent.

But Daniel, he disappeared...

You know what, f*ck you!

And if you f*ck Daniel, you're as much of a dumb bitch as I am.

f*cking asshole.

m*therf*cker, open the door!

It's the child locks.

I was just playing with you.

Shut the f*ck up.

(door slams)

♪ Sometimes we love, sometimes we hate ♪
♪ I'm not inspired, why are we dating? ♪
♪ Flirting and fussing, yelling and cussing ♪
♪ Losin' my voice, I need Robitussin ♪
♪ Maybe a Valium 'cause of your volume ♪
♪ Headaches and sh1t, give me a minute ♪
♪ Give me a pause, give me a break ♪
♪ Give me a gun and get outta my face ♪
♪ Give me your heart, 'cause you ain't in it... ♪

(knocking)

Hey. Where you going?

I shouldn't be here.

Why? Come on.

You're here.

I got you this.

Not Moscato, but some sh1t Drake would like.

Why are you assuming I like Drake?

Every black girl that went to college likes Drake.

He just really gets us.

(laughing)

I'm not a dumb bitch!

I never said you were.

No, you didn't.

But I just got out of a relationship, I think, and I-I wanna try being this new, different person, and you seem like the perfect person to be this new, different person with because you've always been my "what if" guy, but I... I can't just jump from one relationship to another because that's crazy...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relationship?

I'm not looking for a relationship.

Maybe... maybe I gave you the wrong idea.

No, you didn't.

That's good to know.

(doorbell rings)

Bitch, you still mad?

Bitch, you still trippin'?

(chuckles)

My...

Both: ♪ Girlfriend. ♪

If you don't get off of me...

Where is your bag? 'Cause I only see one.

It's not under your big-ass wrap?

♪ Bling, bling, bitch, do my own thing, bitch ♪
♪ f*ck a wedding ring, that ding-a-ling was just a fling, bitch ♪
♪ Bling, bling, bitch, do my own thing, bitch ♪
♪ f*ck a wedding ring, that ding-a-ling was just a fling, bitch ♪
♪ Wake up, li'l bitches, let me show you how to live ♪
♪ Hair done, nails done, keep everything did ♪
♪ Like Rihanna forehead bitch, you gotta think big ♪
♪ Don't let me catch you knocked up havin' that nigga's kids ♪
♪ You are not the wifey for swallowing nigga's kids ♪
♪ These niggas be doing bids, these niggas be in my fridge ♪
♪ These niggas be smokin' mids and thinkin' that they the sh1t ♪
♪ Am I a thot for lovin' Cîroc? ♪
♪ Gucci or not, I'm a cheat 'cause I got ♪
♪ All my hot girls with me and we ♪
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties ♪
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties ♪
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties ♪
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties ♪
♪ Bling, bling, bitch, do my own thing, bitch ♪
♪ f*ck a wedding ring, that ding-a-ling was just a fling, bitch ♪
♪ Bling, bling, bitch, do my own thing, bitch ♪
♪ f*ck a wedding ring, that ding-a-ling was just a fling, bitch ♪
♪ Eenie meenie miney mo, how many niggas is ready to go? ♪
♪ Down on a bitch for the Galaxy 4, 99 reasons why niggas ain't sh1t ♪
♪ 103 ways to suck on a clit, five ugly niggas drive they mama's whip ♪
♪ 13 bitches spit game in the Uber, took my weave out 'cause my real hair is cuter ♪
♪ Ain't texting him back 'cause the nigga's a loser ♪
♪ Got a big mouth, but your mindset is little ♪
♪ sh1t is not funny, the mission is critical ♪
♪ Talked to these hoes and I got them to switch on you ♪
♪ Talked to your mom and now she gonna sh1t on you. ♪