01x03 - Racist as F**k

[music playing]

♪ You say, "Replay, run it back and forth" ♪
♪ You say, "Replay, run it"... ♪

Oh, I was gonna read.


Uh, sorry.

I mean, I... I could just go in the living room.

No, no, it's cool. I could... I could just, um... sleep with the light on.

Uh, I can just go to bed, too.

I'm good.

Ooh! Sorry. Your hands are cold.

Oh, my bad.

Probably all the snow cones I made.

Snow cones? What?

No, I was... I was just making a joke, or thought I was.

Oh. [chuckles]

Good night.

[crickets chirping]

[siren wailing]

[toilet flushes]

[dog barking]

[alarm beeping]

[music playing]

♪ I don't even want you ♪
♪ Can't believe I wrote another song about you... ♪

Look, I've heard everything you said and I'm trying.

I really want this to work.

It's just... it's really frustrating because I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

You've only been job hunting for two weeks.

I know, but I thought the last interview went well.

I mean, the VP went to Georgetown, too. They had a ton of questions.

Mostly about the gaps in your resume. They are tough to explain.

Look, I just need to get back on my feet, okay?

I can't keep living off unemployment.

Well, if you're pressed for income, you might need to take a step back.

How far back?

Something entry-level.

Or maybe hourly like tech support.


Elise, why would I do that? I'm still getting interviews.

You are. I'm just saying it could take a while.

It's fine.

No, if it's the perfect job...

I can wait.

I keep telling Ashley we have a kid on the way.

It's not the time to add a deck.

Oh, come on.

You just got that big-white-guy bonus.

Hey, how'd you find out about those?


Molly: Oh, look, we got a new black law intern.


Okay, now.

I don't see color.

I just see someone who's gonna fetch me coffee.

Hey, I'll catch up with you in just a bit.

Okay, see you.




I'm Molly, one of the third-year associates.

Oh, look at you! I like seeing us in high places, girl.

Oh, well, thank you so much.

But listen, I know everything is super new right now, so if you ever need anything, I can help.

Oh, thanks... Molly.


I appreciate it.



But you can call me Dada, girl.

Okay. Da... okay.

You know what, let me check on the head count and I will get back to you with a number.

Okay. Thank you so much.


Ken: Well, I think Issa is just in over her head with Beach Day.

Sarah: Can she even plan something like this?

Do they even have bus parking at the beach?

I mean those...

I know.

Ken: Every time we go to the beach, it's a nightmare.

Kitty: Is the weather good?

Ken: The sand, the noisy children.

The kind of organization that goes into stuff like this...

Hey, guys.

Issa, hey!

Hey, how's Beach Day going?

How are you doing? Are you so stressed?

I would be so stressed. Like, so stressed.

Uh, it's great. Thank you.

Well, awesome.

We are really looking forward to it.

[overlapping voices]

The kids are gonna have so much fun!

Turnt up at the beach!

Cute shoes, by the way.

So flattering.

Hey, Frieda, do you have a sec?

I have all the secs you need. Nope. I heard it. Yep?

Um, were you guys discussing Beach Day?

Oh! It's no big deal.

We were just talking, and a few of the others had some concerns.

Are they concerns that they couldn't talk to me about?

I'm sure they could've, but they just emailed me to double check a couple little things.

Wait, so there were emails, too?

I... I wasn't cc'd.

Oh. They didn't wanna seem like they were questioning your judgment.

But they weren't sure how you'd react.

But everyone knows this is your event and I assured them that you have everything covered.

You're like a toupee.

I'll see you later.

They're having secret white meetings and they're sending secret white emails.

I made one mistake during my presentation and they lost all faith in me.

You know, now I'm the black girl who f*cked up.

And white people at my job f*ck up all the time!

They didn't say sh1t to Caleb when he had the kids make those racist puppets.

Where are those emails? I didn't get sh1t in my inbox.

Look, did you talk to Joanne about it?


'Cause then I'll look too sensitive.

So f*cking unfair.

I know, but, hey, you just gotta work extra hard to prove them wrong.


I'm about to plan the f*ck out of Beach Day, though.

I know that.

There you go.

Those kids, they're not even ready for the ocean and sh1t.


They're about to be swimming with sharks.

They're about to be slap boxing with seals.

I swear.


Let these white people doubt me again.

I'ma throw a kid in they face.

So, I... I saw the headhunter again today.

Oh, yeah? How'd that go?

It was all right.

She said even though I'm still getting interviews, I need to be more open to entry-level positions, but I'm not trying to go backwards, you know?

I mean, she sounds kind of right, though.

Uh, but Elise did just email me about a possible interview tomorrow.

Oh, that's cool.

That's all you can say?

What do you want me to say?

I... [sighs]

Look, Iss, I know you've been busy, but I feel like the last couple of weeks, like...

I mean, just 'cause I'm back here doesn't mean everything's all good.

No, okay, I'm not saying that it's all good.

Ah, I knew I should've gotten something to eat before I got home.

These white people got me all "hangry."

You want me to go get some food?

No, thanks.

I told Molly I'd meet her at this stupid thing.

But you're coming home, right?

Like, don't let me catch you in the Rite Aid.

Too soon.

[music playing]

It's like, I just want him to know what he did to get us here.

All right, well, have you told Lawrence what your issues are with him?

Like, really spelled it out?

Because sometimes when you're really in it, it's hard to see sh1t clearly.

Yeah, but why do I have to be the one who sees sh1t so clearly?

You know, I love him, but it's hard to carry the emotional weight and the financial weight.

Like, those are heavy as f*ck.

Are you sure it's all on him?

I mean, it does take two to make it or break it.

Bitch, you eating tacos with him or me?

You right, you right. You can do no wrong.

Number 42, al pastor.


[speaking Spanish]



[both speaking Spanish]



All right, so Jared is coming through tonight.

Oh. Rent-a-Boo is coming?

Why you clowning just 'cause he work at Enterprise?

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Did I Hertz your feelings?

I hate you.

It was funny.

I just need for you to just gauge to see if he's giving me friend vibes or f*ck vibes.

You can't tell?

No. Sometimes Jared is hella dodgy.

One day I think he's feeling me, and the next, I can't read him.

All right, fine.

Guess I'll sort this out for you just like I did for your gynecologist, which was friend vibes, by the way.

See? God don't like ugly.

[grunts] f*ck these tacos!

Issa, you're littering!

[music playing]

♪ I'm ridin' around and my car's low ♪

Oh, my God!

Hey, you!


♪ I'm ridin' around and my girl's high ♪
♪ What you waiting for? ♪



What's up, Iss?

We're in here.

Molly: Okay.

Oh, sh1t! Look who dragged in the cats!

Kelli, how did your drunk ass beat us here?

I wasn't trying to miss open bar again.

You gonna use all your drink tickets? 'Cause I don't play.

Oh, you can have mine. They're only serving Yellow Tail Shiraz.

And, Molly, I see these Fendis.

I got a problem!


I got a problem.

[all laughing]


I love how you just, like, don't even care, you know?

Molly, where's this new boo? Is he coming or not?

Well, he's not a new boo yet.

That's why I just need y'all to gauge him for me.

You should let us hook you up with somebody.

Here we go.

Babe, tell her about when we hooked Kelli up with your coworker.

Okay, bitch, barely.

That white boy took me apple picking. End of story.

And then?



We f*cked in the orchard. End of story.

I'm so tired of LA men!

What? What's wrong with dudes from LA?


Tiffany: Oh.

Guys, this is Jared.

Hey. What's going on, y'all?


Good to see you again.

Oh, you, too.

You all know each other?

Oh, we met at an open mic.


Y'all know she was rapping on stage?


Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We don't need to talk about this, guys. Let's not even.

You're telling me this awkward bitch right here got up on stage and didn't fall off?


Kelli, that's a drink ticket on the floor?

Hold up, where?

Classic Kelli.

Always ready for a drink.

Oh, classic Tiffany.

Your life is better than mine with your flawless-ass face and your perfect natural...

f*ck you.

[all laughing]

You guys, I'm tired and, you know... oh!

And I got a lot of work to do tomorrow, so I'ma get out of here.

Um, Issa, don't forget we need your money for Kelli's birthday trip.

Oh, let me get you on Friday.

Okay? Bye, guys!



Girl, don't be disrespectful.

Hey, was I not supposed to say anything?

Oh, you're fine.

You look good, too.

Shut up.

Girl, he is feeling you so hard I could hang my coat on his dick.

Like, my heavy coat.

It's not even winter.

A degree.

I'm 100% right!

Nah, nah.

Come on!

There's my baby saving the day.

Okay, it's true. Okay?

Once they get a degree, black men turn into the most "nigga-est" of niggas, okay?

They act like prized possessions!

Molly: Right?

I mean...

Very important and very pretentious.

They act like women should be grateful for the opportunity to suck their dicks.

Why not?

Okay! And then add to that being in LA where every dude thinks he gonna bag some exotic model or actress.

You know, that's why I appreciate New York men, because they way more straightforward.

Molly: Talk about it.

LA dudes do not approach black women.

This is a fact.

Jared: Mm-mm, no.

I approached you.

Derek: Ooh, see? See?

Black women are so quick Okay. to write off all black men.

I mean, maybe that's why y'all are still single, because you're too damn difficult.

Kelli: Whoa, excuse me?!

Oh, okay.

It could be that.

Just because we have standards does not make us difficult, thank you very much, okay?

Thank you.

The reason why my baby and I work is because I let him be a man and he lets me be a woman.

Bitch, I'ma call bell hooks on you.

Call her.

Look, hey, but, Molly, you know what your problem is?

No, but I know you're gonna tell me. Please enlighten me.

You always try to control sh1t, and men don't like that.

You don't like that.

They don't like it.

He doesn't like that.

I actually think it's kind of sexy.

Ooh, ooh. Coat hanger.

[chuckles] Seriously, where are your friends?

Nah, see, I don't think they're your type.

They're all LA dudes.

I'll make that work.

You went to college out here?

Nah, I didn't go to college.

Kelli: That's what's up. That's what's up.


Derek: Cool.

That's... that's cool!

Hey, you know, good for you, man.

That's cool.

You know, college isn't for everybody.

Yeah, no, I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

Just a degree.

Except for all the grateful women apparently waiting to suck my dick.

I would be, I would be.


But, like, back to your friends, okay?


Like, what are some of their phone numbers?

Like, off the top of your head?

Mm, mm-mm.

Yeah, and I'm sorry about my friends.

They were a little crazy today.

Nah, you still... You can fit right in.

Did I?

You were actually very comfortable in that room.

Is that a compliment or...?

It was fun.

I had a great time with you.

I did, too.

But please keep all of your friends away from Kelli.

She's crazy.

Nah, she was funny.

And she kind of had a good point.

About what?

That maybe sometimes guys aren't straightforward enough.

Oh. I like straightforward.

I like you.

I like you, too.

♪ Go, go ♪
♪ I feel like it's me versus everybody ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ I feel like it's me... ♪

[kids groaning, chattering]

It's too hot up in here, and I'm not trying to sweat out my hair.

We should've gone to the movies.

Girl: Ew, don't touch me.

Honestly, Robertson is right here.

We can still make it to the Museum of Tolerance.

[phone chimes]


I hope there's a ton of trash.

If not, I brought extra.

[groaning continues]

[phone chimes]


Boy: Why do we have to clean? Really?

It's annoying.

Excuse me, can I have your attention, please?

[chatter stops]

Thank you.

Okay, you guys, I know it's hot, all right?

And we're stuck in traffic and it's feeling like we're all gonna die on this bus, but I need you to remember that we are not home right now.


We are in mixed company.

And a positive attitude, huh, can go a long way in making a truly worthwhile experience worth the wait.

Thank you.

Beach better have my money!

[kids laughing]

Dayniece, that's a strike.

Beach, don't kill my vibe!

What's my favorite word? Beach!

[kids laughing]


They loved you, but they decided to go another way.

[sighs] What?

How did I not get it? What am I doing wrong, Elise?

I killed that interview.


It's just tough out there right now, but we'll keep trying.


Go ahead.


Hey, Tasha.

Look at you, coming up in here looking like Obama.

I had a job interview.

Oh, okay, I see you.

Then let me go ahead and cash your last unemployment check.

Nah. I didn't get the job.


Well, then they stupid.

Okay? You got a lot going for you.

[scoffs] Don't know about all that.

I do. You a good black man. You went to college.

I see you still got some savings.

Yeah, but...

Eh, but what?

You out there trying to work and make something of yourself, right?


With no kids? Pfft.

Better keep your head up.

You right.

I know.



[music playing]



♪ 'Cause there's such a thing ♪
♪ I've seen it a time or two ♪
♪ They sustain you, you ♪
♪ It's anyone who's trapped ♪
♪ Or lost a time or two... ♪

Hey, let me play with the beach ball!


Why don't more of them swim?


Oh, my God.

Kitty: How can we be out?

Because you only brought one bottle of sunscreen.

I didn't think they'd even need any.

Hey, did you need this?


Yeah, I brought extra.

You look a little burned. In your face.

Oh, no! Do I?

Oh, my God. You are so burned.

I am so white. Just spray me.

[can hissing]

Oh, what?

[Rasheeda laughing]

Ben, you ain't never lie!

But, for real, I was shadowing Merrill and Johnson on the Chen case, and I had to send myself to HR because Johnson is fine!


Hey, Rasheeda. Hi.


Can you come in here for a second?

Ooh, girl, of course.

Boy, you better not eat my soup.


Hey! You know, I just wanted to check in to see how you were acclimating.

Oh, girl, I'm good. Thanks!

Good 'cause, you know, I just wanna make sure that no one gets the wrong impression of you.

Um, why would they?

Mark said I was doing great.

Yeah, and you are.

I just... you know, sometimes you can be a little...

Girl, you know how these white people are.

If you wanna be successful here, you gotta know when to switch it up a little bit.

[exhales] Hmm.

I appreciate your feedback.


But I didn't switch it up in my interview with the senior partners and I didn't switch it up when I was named editor of the law review, so I don't think I need to switch it up now.

But thank you so much.

Okay, good.

'Cause I'm just trying to help.


[girl screams]

Today was awesome. Great job, Issa.

Thank you.

And I'm really sorry about the emails before.

I... I take full responsibility.

I shouldn't have let that happen.

Hey, I appreciate it.

Actually, I'd really love to make it up to you.

Can I take you to drinks or something?


This was such a good idea.

The kids loved it.

They always trying to doubt us.

Beach, you ain't my friend just 'cause you brown.

Oh, sh1t went well, so now you wanna be down?

I overheard your ass on the bus trying to clown.

Get the f*ck outta here or bow the f*ck down.

Hey, could you hold this real quick, please?

Yeah. Oh.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what? We should do drinks. That sounds great.

Great, great! Thanks.

Kids, make sure you use the bathroom before you get on the bus, okay?

Boys: Okay.

Thank you, Miss Issa.

Oh, Dante! Thank you!

Go on. Boy.

♪ I just do what I do, babe, I don't even try... ♪

You crazy.

♪ 'Cause you know I got that futuristic fire ♪
♪ You know I got that sh1t that takes you higher ♪
♪ Come see me, I'm your supplier... ♪

Guess who got into The League.

Wait, didn't you say you were done with those dating apps?

No, no, I said I was done with shitty-ass dating apps.

Plus I've been waiting, like, three months to get approved for this.

Now I can finally date dudes on my level, girl.

And they fine as f*ck.

But I thought you were feeling Jared.

I am! But, girl, these League niggas have been vetted.

And Jared didn't even go to college.

Yeah, but you weren't even tripping about that before.

You act like these niggas are gonna disappear.

They will! Ugh.

Look, I just wanna see what else is out there.

Damn, Issa, why can't you just support me?

You right, you right. You can do no wrong.

No, I'm actually right.

Not like with you and Lawrence when you're wrong, but I say that you're right, so...

Well, okay, bitch. Have fun, then. Bye!


[skillet sizzles]



[door closes]

I didn't know you were cooking. I brought food home.

Yeah, uh, you said there was no food, so I made dinner.

It's lamb.


Okay, I'll just put this over here.

Thank you.



Woman on TV: Uh-uh, bitch! You ain't about to get my man, bitch!

I set the table. Thought we could talk.

Can it wait?

I had a long day and I just wanna binge watch "Conjugal Visits."

Yeah, I just... I cleaned over there, so...


What are you yelling for?

Can you pay attention?

You didn't even ask about my sh1t.

You're not in this alone. I'm f*cking trying.

♪ Together... ♪

Put it against the wall right there.

♪ We can weather ♪
♪ Any storm... ♪


♪ Through the darkness... ♪

Are you working?

Because there's literally nothing on the computer except...

My lunch break isn't eight f*cking hours!


♪ Together ♪
♪ We can weather... ♪


I got it. I'm sorry.

No, you gotta dab it.

It doesn't matter. It's just another stain.

No, I'm sorry for everything.

I... it's on me, too.

Hey, look.

I know I haven't been my best self lately.

All right? In my career or with you.


Got a job.

That's great!

One of your interviews came through?


It's Best Buy.

It's just a regular sales job.

I just... I needed to handle my sh1t, all right?

For me and for us.

Are you sure that's what you wanna do?

I... it's just temporary, you know?

I'll keep interviewing, but... for now.

I'm proud of you.

I'm in this.

Are you?

I'm in this.

[phone chiming]

Thank you.

[car door closes]


Hey. I was just thinking about you.

Wanna get something to eat?

Look, Jared, I gotta be honest with you.

I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.


'Cause that is not the vibe I've been getting.

Yeah, I'm kind of bad at vibes.

Okay, so... so what have we been doing, then?

We've been hanging out as friends.

Friend? You wanna be friends now?

I do, yes. But, like, real friends.

So, we cool?


Yeah, we cool.

Good! Great! God, I'm so glad.

All right, well, I'll give you a call soon, then.

All right.

All right, bye.

♪ I been going through it all ♪
♪ Back all against the wall ♪
♪ Trying hard not to fall ♪
♪ All I wanted was to ball ♪
♪ I been going through it all... ♪

Michael. Hi.


You look great.

You do, too.

Very nice.

♪ I ain't got no friends ♪

♪ All I got is my fam... ♪

All right.

♪ If you don't really give a f*ck... ♪

Oh, my God.

Right here?

You got it. Almost there.

All right, right here.


♪ If you wanna know what I'm thinking... ♪

[sighs] See? Come on.


Can't believe we're getting rid of this thing.

You think somebody will take it?

I don't know.

Do people really just take couches off the...?

Hey, yo!

What y'all M*therf*ckers doing with that "bouch"?

[music playing]

Where is he gonna put this?

Oh, my God.

♪ Underneath the palm trees you can leave your worries ♪
♪ I don't need nobody, you and me together ♪
♪ Run away from mama's, still live with ya mama ♪
♪ That's all right, we gonna make this trip together ♪
♪ We're poppin' up at parties, drinkin' our Bacardi ♪
♪ Singin' Cool J, "I just wanna love you better" ♪
♪ And I just wanna love you better ♪
♪ You know 'cause it's winter weather ♪
♪ And I need my baby back, ain't I crazy? ♪
♪ You know that I need to bring my city back ♪
♪ You know that I need you, girl ♪
♪ Need you like they need these raps ♪
♪ Underneath the palm trees you can leave your worries ♪
♪ Listen to the waves, so you wanna get so high? ♪
♪ Breathe me in like air tonight, listen to the waves ♪
♪ I can be your fantasy, Alina, yeah, she sung to me ♪
♪ Underneath the palm trees you can leave your worries ♪
♪ Listen to the waves, so you wanna get so high? ♪
♪ Breathe me in like air tonight, listen to the waves ♪
♪ I can be your fantasy, Alina, yeah, she sung to me. ♪