01x06 - Guilty as F**k

[music playing]

[commentator chattering]

Hey, babe. How was work?

It was fine.

What's wrong? Something happen?

I'm just... I'm searching for these words to say to you right now.

Oh, just say it.

I slept with my ex.

I didn't mean to do it and it just happened.

And I didn't do it on purpose.

Bitch, I don't want your sloppy second ass!

I ain't Russell Wilson in this m*therf*cker!

[sighs]

[alarm chirps]

[TV playing]

Hey, babe. How was work?

It was splendid.

Splendid? We're using splendid now?

[chuckles]

Hey.

What's wrong?

Why do you think something's wrong?

I don't know. You just seem off.

Oh, it was just... it was a long day at work.

Well, maybe I can make it better.

Issa: Wait, what?

Where's the "Broken Pussy" video?

I called a guy I used to work with and he got it taken down.

Like, everywhere?

Yep.

If you Google your name, the only thing that comes up is your Facebook page and a singer named Issa Sekibo.

He sounds like a Nigerian Ruben Studdard.

[humming]

[crying]

What... hey, why are you crying?

Because of what you did.

Babe, it was nothing.

No, you took care of it.

And you're always taking care of me.

You're like my black Spider-Man.

Hey. Hey, come here. Come here.

Now I got snot all on you.

Hey, it's okay!

[sobs]

I just love you so much.

I love you, too.

No, but, like, I really love you.

And I appreciate you and I never wanna forget that.

You know, I like getting all this love.

[both chuckling]

What are you gonna do when I tell you I picked up your dry cleaning today?

[sobs]

No, you weren't supposed to cry.

[music playing]

♪ I'm not perfect ♪
♪ I have flaws ♪
♪ But I'm so worth it... ♪

Babe, my teeth feel clean as f*ck.

These new floss things, they really get in there.

Look.

They look good, babe.

Come here.

Oh.

What?

Uh, nothing.

I got the chills real quick.

Oh. Come here. Let me warm you up.

Okay.

Come on.

Mm-hmm.

[both moaning]

[grunts]

What? You still cold? You need blankets? What?

Um, no. I think the video has just been stressing me out.

Can we just... can we just lay here?

Yeah.

Sure.

You sure? You're not mad?

Nah, I'm cool.

Thanks, babe.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[Molly whispers] What the f*ck?

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, thanks for letting me stay here last night.

You didn't really leave me much of a choice.

Is that Cookie Crisp?

Dang, I haven't had that since, like, elementary.

So, what was last night about?

You show up faded at my place out of nowhere.

Yeah, I was just going through something with this dude and I guess my drunk brain just led me here.

Okay.

What?

You know, it's fine if you and I didn't work out.

But it just feels like you're playing games, and I'm not really about that.

You're right.

You know, I was doing the most, but, you know, I really did like you.

All right, I f*cked up and you didn't deserve any of that, and I'm sorry.

You know what? I suck. I'm... I'm just gonna go.

Yeah, this is... I'm not...

Don't smile.

You ain't getting no milk.

Okay.

Thanks.

Your hair looks great like that, by the way.

So, what are you doing today?

Uh, just... I have errands.

You need a ride?

[panting, moaning]

You still got errands?

No! I...

You still got errands?

I ain't got no errands! I ain't got no errands!

♪ If you wanted me to front it ♪
♪ Are you saying you don't wanna? ♪
♪ Yeah, won't you come and be my owner? ♪
♪ Come on, I put my heart on a plate ♪
♪ Eat it, babe. ♪

Is that pork bacon?

What's the occasion?

Can't I just wake up and wanna cook breakfast for my bae?

Yeah, you can, but it just feels so new.

I just wanted to thank you, you know, officially.

You're not even ready for this sh1t, okay?

So, we got real bacon...

Mm-hmm.

... blueberry waffles, eggs lightly scrambled, plus strawberries and pineapples.

What?!

Damn, Iss!

And I was thinking we should go out later.

You know, it's been a minute since we had a date night.

Yeah, you know I'm down.

Okay.

Look at you.

Cooking breakfast, making dinner plans.

Yo, I got me a real one.

All right, hand me some fruit.

And, Frieda, where are we on the silent auction items for the fundraiser?

It's going great. The Rams are donating tickets.

Dulan's is donating a private dinner, but we are still waiting on a jersey signed by Kobe Bryant.

I saw him at Katsuya once.

Oh. Hmm.

And have we secured a location in Malibu?

Oh, we have several options that I can show you, but most places are saying that we can't bring kids because they're worried about damage.

But a lot of them are saying that they'll provide chairs and tables at no additional cost.

I thought the whole point was to invite kids this year.

Yeah. Why are we pressed to do it in Malibu?

Did you hear the part about the tables and chairs?

I did, but can't we do it somewhere near, like Inglewood or Baldwin Hills?

I mean, Malibu's nice, it's just We Got Y'all is in this community.

It would just be great to show the kids that there's beauty in their own backyard.

I think that's a great idea.

Me, too!

Not that you asked. I'm just adding.

Okay.

[phone buzzes]

Joanne: Moving on.

♪ You see ♪
♪ Love's got me in a daze ♪
♪ Crazy ♪
♪ How it makes me behave... ♪

Okay, "Add basil, cook for one minute."

Can do, bitch.

♪ I feel so full again... ♪

[phone chiming]

Yeah!

Yo, you know what?

Chrissy Teigan has a dope-ass cookbook.

Are you in the kitchen? Please get the f*ck out.

No, I will not.

I'm cooking for somebody.

Who, that lawyer nigga?

Okay, is this a shade-free zone?

Never.

Okay, you remember Jared?

[laughs] Are... you are the worst!

Girl, I know, right?

So, what happened with The League?

Girl, I'm over them niggas.

Like, they look good on paper, but they on some bullshit.

So, you're with Jared now?

Girl, I know, right?

Life is a funny thing.

I can't get into it while I'm sautéing and basting, but the point is we talked, he checked me.

I mean, we had a real honest conversation.

I just like that we can just share and be real.

Tsk, you f*cked that nigga.

Yes. Yes, I did.

That is not the point!

I mean, it was different. It just felt different.

Well, okay, girl! Look at you.

Was it good?

Bitch!

[doorbell rings]

Oh, wait, I gotta go. He's here.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey.

[music playing]


[panting]

Thank you, Chrissy!

Have you tried Blue Apron?

Stay focused!

Lawrence: Yo, next time, we're getting two popcorns.

I barely ate any.

I did not eat that much.

No? None fell down your dress?

Wow! Look at all that.

Those were there before we came.

Yeah.

Hey, let's go in here for a sec.

For what?

I've been thinking about getting a nose ring.

Stud or hoop?

It don't matter as long as it's gold.

[chuckles]

[door chimes]

Hi.

Hey.

Uh, can I see a marquis cut with a platinum band?

The man knows what he wants.

What you know about a marquis cut?

The diamonds in this setting begin in a half carat and go up to three.

Um, this one?

That's very nice.

Thank you.

Wow.

Do you like that?

Do you like that?

[gasps]

Like that?

[moaning]

What?

Um, can we go?

What? Why?

I just don't feel good.

I, um... I think I had too much junk at the movies.

Sorry.

That's okay.

It's okay.

[door chimes]

You're lying! I cannot see you as a fat kid.

Husky. My mom said I was husky.

Oh, okay. Your mom sounds like a lovely woman.

She is. She's nice.

Oh, my mom, oh, my gosh.

She was always on me.

I remember my first year in college.

I wilded out just to piss her off.

Really? I wanna hear more about this wild Molly.

Uh, no. That's okay.

Nah. What? Did you go to juvie?

You were slanging that rock?

Shut up.

No. I just did young, dumb sh1t.

Okay.

Like, I may or may not have slept with a college professor.

Wow!

Okay. More, please.

Oh, my... no. Ugh, okay.

Um, all right. Also in college, I made out with a girl at a frat party.

Mm, see, I'm not mad at that.

Of course you're not.

Okay, what else?

Ugh, okay.

Um, I did coke for, like, a hot second in law school.

Mm-hmm.

And I also had my tongue pierced for, like, a month.

But, wait, why am I the only one sharing?

No, where's your dirt? No, bring it.

Okay, um... oh.

I ran naked through a Best Western one time.

I was so f*cking high.

Um, please come harder, okay?

Oh, okay. I slept with my first boss.

And she was married.

Oh, sh1t!

Mm-hmm.

The husky home-wrecker.

[chuckles] Yeah.

That's what they called me.

Wow, okay. What else you got?

When I was 20, I kind of had a sexual experience like yours.

What you mean?

I messed around with a guy before.

Wait, you did what?

I mean, it was, like, a long time ago.

My friend and I were at this party in New York, both super drunk.

Went back to his place and then, you know, it just kind of happened.

Wh-what kind of happened?

He went down on me.

Oh, so you're, like, bi?

No. No, definitely not.

I mean, I had never done anything like this before and I knew afterwards it wasn't for me.

Oh, like... like, how long after, though?

Like, immediately.

Okay, like, but immediately when?

And, like, was this, like, a one-time thing with this, like... this one guy?

Or was it, like, a one-time thing with other guys or...?

Molly, one guy, one time.

Mm-hmm.

That's it.

[chuckles] Okay.

I have so many questions.

sh1t, me, too!

Okay, how many times?

Did he like it?

Okay, did he come? Did they both come?

Kelli, that's enough.

sh1t, we're all thinking it!

Sweetie, you can't keep dating him.

He's gay.

Because that totally makes him gay, right?

Bitch, sophomore year, you hooked up with that chick who looked like Lisa Turtle.

Okay, who didn't?

It's different for women.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

You're telling me that once a dude touches a dick, he's gay?

Women: Yes.

So, it's, like, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, Lee Daniels?

Yes! It's a double standard.

But, oh, well, that's how it is.

Okay, bitch, so she's supposed to stop seeing Jared just because he doesn't subscribe to the heteronormative rejection of sexual fluidity?

One women's studies class and this bitch talk like she doing the spoken word in "Flawless."

I love it.

I'm just saying why can't black men explore their sexuality without being labeled gay or bi or whatever?

Because I want my man to be a man.

That's homophobic as f*ck, okay?

And if Jared were white, you would chalk that sh1t up to the game!

Preach! Why do black men have to fit in a box and be super masculine all the time?

I mean, damn! Can't a nigga get his dick sucked?

Also, can we bring these drinks inside?

No, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Are you telling me that if you found out Lawrence got his dick sucked by some dude way back when, you would still be talking all this fluidity sh1t?

Okay, well, Lawrence likes to cook, you know, and he is very particular about his laundry.

So, you know, besides having s*x with men, he's kind of the gayest.

You're so stupid.

It's true!

Okay, well, Tiffany, what about you?

Like, if you ever found out that Derek one time...

He wouldn't.

I know, but, like, what if one time...

He wouldn't.

What, you can't just play along?

No, because he would never, so that's that.

You don't know that.

Wow. Denial!

[all laughing]

He played.

What's up?

Oh!

Where y'all two been? What y'all been doing together?

Ya-da-da-da.

Um...

Uh, you guys ready to see this Jesus play?

They ran out of programs, so you are gonna have to share.

And they are handing out Kleenex.

The ushers said there will be tears.

Kelli: Okay, hey.

Y'all better not talk sh1t about my cousin's janky-ass play.

Okay? He a hood rat, but we family.

All right? This sh1t going to Broadway.

I saw "The First Supper."

Tiffany: Oh, did you?

Hey. Girl, I know what Jared said was tough, but it happened one time.

And he's a good person.

So, if you like him, don't let that sh1t ruin it.

I'm gonna try.

I'm gonna try.

All right.

[flute playing]

That's him. That's my cousin.

Where?

Man: I didn't mean to snitch.

I was just trying to teach him a lesson.

sh1t!

"Hamilton" this is not.

No shade, but why are there two intermissions?

One for the bathroom, one for food.

Now, if he was the real son of God, then he gonna be all right.

Y'all gonna have to tell me what's going on, 'cause I can't see sh1t behind this big-ass hat.

Shh.

Oh, hey, sister.

Hi.

[flute continues]

Nigga!

Why hast thou forsaken me?

You said you was loyal, but you wasn't.

You said you was faithful, but you a lying-ass bitch.

My bad, my nigga.

I shouldn't have betrayed you.

I was just tempted, you heard?

Jesus: You only got yourself to blame.

I can't f*cks with you no more.

You can't just bounce!

I'm your day one. You gotta forgive me.

Nigga, you know I love you.

No homo.

[audience chuckling]

But we through.

Jesus out!

What happened?

Kelli: I don't know, but I know I hate my cousin.

Good job, Tyrell.

[music playing]

[woman vocalizing]

I think this place would work perfect for our fundraiser.

It's huge inside.

Oh, and they provide candles for ambiance.

It's a no-brainer! Are you tired?

I'm sorry. I just didn't sleep great last night.

Aw.

[phone buzzes]

Hey.

Yo.

I got good news. I got an interview.

Really? Where?

With this tech company in Santa Monica.

sh1t, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you!

Thanks, babe.

I feel like things could finally be falling in place for us.

Yeah.

Thanks for just being here for me, babe.

Of course. I love you.

Congrats.

Is everything okay?

What the f*ck? Excuse me!

Excuse me, we're right here! Can you please stop?

Sorry. I caught ya.

What? You caught me?

I literally just watched it go from green to red.

You can't let it go this one time?

Once I start writing...

That is a lie. They can totally stop writing.

Okay, go back to your shitty-ass, little tricycle and back to your shitty-ass life, 'cause that's all you've got!

Yeah!

You don't even have a real weapon.

All you have is that stupid little box.

And you can't even stop a crime.

All you can do is write a receipt for it.

Go home to your kids!

sh1t!

How'd I let that happen, huh?

What's... I'm so f*cking stupid.

What's wrong with me?

Hey, it's not that bad.

♪ Yeah, you were always down for it ♪
♪ Get in this getaway and we run from it ♪
♪ You're giving me the coldest stare ♪
♪ Like you don't even know I'm here ♪
♪ Why don't we turn the leaf? ♪
♪ Why don't we turn the... ♪
♪ Why don't we turn the leaf? ♪
♪ Why don't we turn the... ♪

[exhales]

Um, can you... can you please stop?

What?

What?

I just...

I just can't.

I'm sorry. I just can't stop thinking about you...

[sighs] you and that guy.

Me and that guy what?

[sighs]

I'm sorry. I just can't do this.

Damn.

I'm sorry, girl.

I feel so stupid.

I'm tired of this sh1t never working out.

Are you sure you can't move past it?

No, I tried.

I thought I could deal with it, but at this point, it's over.

f*ck! I really liked him.

I mean, why'd he have to tell me?

I'm such a f*cking mess.

I f*cked Daniel.

Bitch, you did what?

Are you okay?

You gonna do it again?

No.

Then don't tell Lawrence.

Just move on.

My weaknesses? [sighs]

Well, my major weakness is that I tend to put a lot of pressure... sometimes too much pressure... on myself to succeed, but I've worked on that.

What are you doing?

Going over a few questions.

Just preparing for my interview.

Do I sound dumb?

♪ On and on we go ♪
♪ Always with the ghost of us in tow ♪
♪ Stuck somewhere between a friend and foe ♪
♪ Round and round we go ♪
♪ Round and round again ♪
♪ Looking for a life beyond the end ♪
♪ Lost somewhere between a foe and friend ♪
♪ Round and round again ♪
♪ Round and round we go... ♪

[sighs]

Damn it, Issa.

♪ I just took a flick with your girlfriend ♪
♪ I've been kicking sh1t with your girlfriend ♪
♪ Hey, I just smoked a blunt with your girlfriend ♪
♪ Hey, I think that I'm done with your girlfriend ♪
♪ Hey, all up in my business, she been lurkin' ♪
♪ I've been tryin' to tell her, "Bye," it ain't workin' ♪
♪ Hey, I think that I'm done with your girlfriend ♪
♪ Hey, I just smoked a blunt with your girlfriend ♪
♪ Whoo, ridin' through the city ♪
♪ I ain't know that she was with it ♪
♪ She was trying to get with me, so I had to get busy ♪
♪ See, I met her at the Lennox ♪
♪ She was trying to buy some jimmies ♪
♪ And it aired like Serena, like she had to play tennis, hey ♪
♪ Swervin' on a corner like skurt ♪
♪ She said, "Can I text you?" I'm like, "Sure" ♪
♪ And I got on Gucci like, "Burr" ♪
♪ Shawty you gonna have to shave the fur ♪
♪ Cut off ♪
♪ And I might come ballin' like I'm Stephen Curry ♪
♪ "Space Jam," Bill Murray, Munchies, Oreo McFlurry, whoa ♪
♪ I can't even lie, that shawty thick and she purty ♪
♪ Work at the Blue Flame, she doin' tricks up on this pole ♪
♪ Hey, I ain't even know that's your girlfriend ♪
♪ Oh, dear ♪
♪ I'ma pass her like I'm Kyrie Irving ♪
♪ Oh, dear ♪
♪ I'm a drug type, trips to Berlin ♪
♪ Why you trying to flirt like you a virgin? ♪