01x08 - Broken as F**k

[line ringing]

[voicemail beeps]

Lawrence, it's me.

I know you hate me right now.

I hate me, too.

But three days?

Can we just talk?

I'll do whatever it takes. Just come home.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.

Please call me back.

I love you.

♪ Mm ♪
♪ Can I tell you a secret? ♪
♪ My wings are made of plastic ♪
♪ And so am I... ♪

Yeah, Craig. So, if you could get that started, that would be great.

After that, Lawrence, start getting the project team looking at the public API documentation.

Yeah, actually, that's what I'm gonna show you by the end of the day.

You know, I was thinking we could replicate some of the things...

Excuse me. Lawrence, there's a delivery for you.

Uh, excuse me, guys.

So, what Lawrence was saying, at the verification three-step process, I was thinking that we could access the multiple accounts with a single...


What are you doing here?

I thought you might need some things while you're staying at Chad's.

Uh, I brought you some toothpaste, some shaving cream, some panties.

I'm just kidding. I didn't get you panties.

I was in a meeting, Issa.

I'm sorry.

I just needed to see you.

I... I made a mistake.

Yeah, you f*cking did.

I... I still want us to work.

Lawrence, just... just give me a chance to fix this and I will...

I'm in this.

I... I love you.

I gotta go.

And stop f*cking calling me.

I'm done.

Frieda: I called the company, like, four times and we still haven't gotten our deposit back on our chairs.

I'm starting to think we shouldn't have let people sit down.


I just finished up my donor thank-you calls.

How about you?


Well, don't forget to call yourself and say thank you.

I know I will.

[dial tone]

[touch tones beeping]

[line ringing]

[phone buzzing]

Can't wait for you to get off.


Bitch, you still mad?

Hello? Can you... can you hear me?

Yes, I heard you. What do you want?

Oh, I was just calling to say hi and to thank you for your donation.

Um, and I'm supposed to let you know that your gift is tax deductible.

I know. I donated last year.

Is that all?

Um, you still going to Malibu this weekend?

Of course. I was always going.

I was on the fence, but, you know, it is Kelli's birthday trip.

You wanna go half on a birthday gift this year?

I already got her a gift.

Okay, well, I guess I'll just get her a gift card from Macaroni Grill.

You know she love to color on the placemats.

Just hella excited.

Do whatever you want, Issa. You always do.

Okay. I guess I'll just...

What was that?

Yep! Gotta go. All right, I gotta go. Bye.


[music playing]

♪ Top down on the freeway ♪
♪ Feeling good and I'm feeling great ♪
♪ I'm feeling great ♪
♪ Steak and shrimp on my dinner plate ♪
♪ It's on my plate ♪
♪ I'm looking good and I'm feeling great ♪
♪ I'm feeling great ♪
♪ Shining bright like a star, so come valet my car ♪
♪ Don't get paid till next week, but I'ma buy out the bar ♪
♪ And, yeah, that's a stunt, but you know how we do ♪
♪ I'ma keep the party jumpin', just don't step on my shoe ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm poppin', I really got it ♪
♪ Ain't got no options, they flockin' ♪
♪ I'm ridin' round and let's flip the top ♪
♪ My money, I'm 'bout my dollars, I get my profits ♪
♪ You watchin', I see you watchin', but you can't stop it ♪
♪ Top down on the freeway ♪
♪ Feeling good and I'm feeling great ♪
♪ I'm feeling great ♪
♪ Looking good and I'm feeling great ♪

♪ I'm feeling great. ♪


Shut the f*ck up!


Issa: Holy sh1t!

Wow, are you kidding me with this sh1t?


Tiffany: Oh!

Here are the keys. Uh, Wi-Fi password's on the fridge.

I already started heating the pool.

And there's firewood by the casita.

There's a casita?


What is a casita?

She doesn't have nice things.

I don't.

Have fun!

Thank you.


Tiffany: Okay, ladies.

So, there's two bedrooms downstairs. There's two upstairs.

I'm gonna take the room upstairs because I want the view, so...

I'll take upstairs with you.


You ever see someone scream themself awake?


♪ Lights! ♪
♪ Stand firm, don't think me easy ♪
♪ Them too soft like tortellini ♪
♪ Man, I roll up in a Lamborghini... ♪

I want y'all on your worst behavior 'cause this weekend I'm bringing back "We did say!"

Oh, no. Not "we did say."

We are too old for that.

Oh, no.

You know the rules... no saying no.

I'm not spending another night in county.


It wasn't that bad!

That's how Molly figured out she wanted to be a lawyer.

We did say.

Yo, I'm down.

Okay, as long as it's marriage-friendly, I'm down, too.

Okay, it's my birthday, Tiffany.

f*ck your marriage!

And, Issa, get off your phone!

Molly: Right?

Get off Shade Room.

Uh-uh. What's going on between y'all?

Nothing. I'm ready to have fun with my girls.

Yeah, me, too. I am down for whatever.

Okay, Molly.

I want you to touch that waiter's ass.

We did say.

Coming right up.

[Kelli gasps]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Molly, did you just touch his dick?

Oh, she said be on your worst behavior. I'm on mine.

Ah! I love it!

Turn my birthday into a lifestyle.

Okay, Issa, your turn.

Well, I didn't get you a gift, so I guess I'm down.

We did say.

Bitch, I just said I was down.

Ooh, my bad. I was reading your eyebrows.

They are very expressive. [gasps]


♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪



♪ Happy birthday, dear Kelli... ♪

That's me!

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪

Shut up.

Y'all know I wished for dick.

♪ Push me and me snap right back. ♪

[music playing]

[inhales] Oh, man, I needed this.

Since I got engaged, all I do is look at flowers and taste test little cakes and sh1t.

It's like I'm really getting married.

Yo, you know what's crazy?

Issa and I just looked at rings, too.


sh1t's just f*cked up, man.

I'm not saying I got sh1t together for her, but I got sh1t together for her, man.

So, what?

You really done with the ole girl?

Y'all got history, man.

Oh, if you was me, could you just be like, "Hey, you f*cked another nigga, but it's all right"?

Hell, the f*ck no.

sh1t, I almost punched a dude at Whole Foods the other day 'cause he asked Leah if she wanted him to double bag it.

But you a different type of dude than me.

In what way?

My heart pumps cold.

And you an "R&B, singing all your feelings" type nigga.

That's cool. That's you.

I like you for that.

f*ck that.

Yo, you know what? f*ck all this sad sh1t, man.

Hey, call Brandon and Mike, and let's go out tomorrow.

Let's go to a club, something.


Yeah, man.

All right.

Hell, yeah.

♪ One time for the birthday bitch ♪
♪ Two times for the birthday bitch... ♪


Oh, sh1t!

This is my song!

Oh, girl, we did say!

Yes, we did!


Get it, get it, get it.

Hey, how y'all doing?



Are you Jill Scott? You look just like Jill Scott.

Oh, my God, you look just like "Twilight"... okay?


♪ One time for the birthday bitch ♪
♪ Two times for the birthday bitch ♪
♪ Three times for the birthday bitch ♪
♪ f*ck it up if it's your birthday, bitch... ♪

You okay?

I'm great.

So, what's Lawrence got planned for this weekend?

He's chilling.

Well, I know he misses you.


Be right back.

Those college boys are really trying to get it.

Girl, they are not the only ones.


We did say!

Are you getting any reception in here?

Ugh, yes.

If Derek texts me one more time... [chuckles]

I tell him I'm okay, but he still worries.

He's so extra.

Yeah, he is.

This song goes out to my girl, Kelli, on her birthday!

All: Whoo!

Oh, sh1t!

Hey, get it, Kelli!

This is my jam.

Issa, come on, dance!


We did say!

♪ I pull up at the club, VIP ♪
♪ Gas tank on E, but all the drinks on me ♪
♪ Wipe me down ♪
♪ Y'all niggas call niggas ♪
♪ But my nigga all killers ♪
♪ Get your issue and whoever fall with ya ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on, wipe me down ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on, wipe me down ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on, wipe me down... ♪

Oh, thank you!

♪ 'Cause I'm on, wipe me down ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on, wipe me down... ♪

Okay, girl, you're missing your mouth.

Then they're gonna have to wipe it down.


♪ 'Cause I'm on, wipe me down ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on ♪
♪ B-O-O-S-I-E ♪
♪ B-A-D-A-Z-Z, that's me... ♪

[new song playing]

♪ I thought you told me ♪
♪ That I was someone special ♪
♪ You used to call me... ♪

Molly, what are you doing?

I'm rolling with Kelli. What?

Are you really about to go off with that baby of a man?

Look, this isn't "we did say."

You don't have to do this.

Oh, I know. I want to.

You know, it's not like I'm trying to keep a nigga.

You know me.

♪ As my eyes watered, watered, watered ♪
♪ Darlin', I will not force you to love me ♪
♪ I guess it don't matter, matter, matter... ♪

So, uh, should I play some music or something like that?

I have, like, a week left on my trial subscription to TIDAL, like...

Shut the f*ck up.

♪ Oh, he say that he wanna be my boyfriend ♪
♪ He wanna be my boyfriend ♪
♪ But he can't tie me down ♪
♪ Tie me down ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't really wanna be his girlfriend ♪
♪ Don't wanna be his girlfriend ♪
♪ At least not right now ♪
♪ Not right now ♪
♪ I got niggas, I got niggas, I got niggas, oh ♪
♪ I got niggas, I got niggas, I got niggas, oh ♪
♪ I got niggas, I got niggas, I got niggas ♪
♪ Don't have to understand it, but this is how I'm livin' ♪
♪ My down south nigga got the coldest nips ♪
♪ We be drinkin' on that Henny, had the longest s*x ♪
♪ We be switchin' up positions till we over switch ♪
♪ He gives me diamonds for my time and now I own baguettes ♪
♪ 'Cause, uh, I suppose my s*x game cold ♪
♪ My ex had me lookin' at the s*x game wrong ♪
♪ It's better I can bend ya, but I can't stay long ♪
♪ I'm a dog to these niggas and I fetch straight bone ♪
♪ When I leave, he don't text or be callin' me ♪
♪ We don't kiss and don't tell ♪
♪ Trash all receipts ♪

[door opens]

♪ He don't love me, he just want me for my artistry ♪
♪ And, uh, I can tell, so I bone him and I bail... ♪

So, you and Molly really went in last night, huh?

Yeah, but my ass ended up facedown on my bed alone, drawers still on.

I mean, I bought that little boy hella drinks last night.

Men these days are hella trifling.

Just be thankful you have Lawrence.


What's wrong?

Something going on with you and Lawrence?

[sighs] You know how I've been super down on Lawrence for a minute, right?


Well, we...

The other day, some sh1t went down...

Girl, did he hit you?

What? No.

Okay, I like Lawrence, but I will go ape on that nigga, okay?

Does he have a car?


I know he has a car. You know what?

I'm gonna f*ck that up first.

He did not hit me.

Okay? We're... we're just going through this, like, really rough patch...

You're pregnant. I knew it.

I bet Tiffany you would slip up.

And as much as I need that 100, I'm not trying...

I'm not pregnant, okay?

And you know what? I... I'm just... I'm tripping.

It's fine. Don't even trip.

Then why you get me all upset for no... for no reason?

I'm sorry for making this about me.

Yeah, make it about... it's my birthday.


It'll be about you if you get hit or have a baby.

Do you... do you listen to yourself?

All the time. I have a podcast.

Of course these heifers are late.

Ugh, who cares?

They're probably at the crib passed out.

I mean, no shade, but just once, can they not be basic?

Right? Issa always trying to judge somebody for how they live their life, but this bitch is too afraid to live her own.

"You're doing too much." Shut up!

I mean, you know how your ratchet friends are.


Look who showed up. Where's Kelli?

She's resting.

She said she'll meet us at the hot tub later.

Next up is our 2013 Zin.


Thank you.

I think I taste stone fruit.


And a little bit of pepper.

Yes! I tasted it, too!

Look at us.

I taste wine.


♪ She know that nigga ♪
♪ Oh, my, let me hit it twice, I had it coming, bitch, it's nice, hey ♪
♪ If I ever had a bitch, believe they're all mine, hey ♪
♪ Till she got a nigga, but he bitchin' all the time, hey ♪
♪ Looking for his missus, got her missing all the time, hey ♪
♪ Do her all day... ♪

Hey, this nigga stupid, though.

But you know what? I'm telling the truth!

These new black bitches, man, they be on some bullshit.

Because half of them didn't have no daddy in the house.

They don't know what a real relationship's supposed to look like.

Hey, I tell Candace all the time, "Hey, sometimes marriage sucks. Deal with it."

Mike: You know what it is?

These women today, they wanna be the woman and the man in the relationship.

That's why they ass ain't never satisfied.

They some "never happy" bitches.

Issa was like that all the f*cking time, man.

It was either some sh1t about work or some sh1t about me.

It was like, f*ck! Just chill.

Brandon: Hey, they don't make black women like they used to.

My grandmama was a rider. She ain't leave 'cause she wasn't happy.

Exactly! My granddad used to cheat on my grandma all the time.

Nigga had a second family and everything.

She stuck with him till the end.

Damn, her pussy fat.

All: Yeah.

Mike: I know it don't seem like it right now, but, my nigga, it's gonna be popping for you in the streets.

What you mean?

sh1t flipped back in niggas' favor now.

All the girls that were in their 20s, used to be all picky and sh1t, they in their 30s and 40s now and thirsty as f*ck.

Man, come on.

Mike, show him the girl you were just f*cking with.


Show him the bitch.



So, it's like that?


Mike: Man, I tell a girl out the gate, "You ain't suck dick on the first date, I ain't f*cking with you."

♪ And they do! ♪




I got you. Come on.

Yeah, my man!



You better get it!

My man! He ain't gonna do sh1t.

Probably not.

Ain't doing sh1t at all.

♪ You keep saying you don't want me ♪
♪ But your actions screaming loud ♪
♪ Bet you gonna put it on me ♪
♪ You gonna put it on me ♪
♪ When nobody is around ♪
♪ I can break you down... ♪

You're cute.

♪ Break you down ♪
♪ I can break you down ♪
♪ Break, break, break you down ♪

Oh, sh1t. My bad.

You're one of those nice guys, huh?




Then show me.

♪ You need a girl that freaks you right ♪
♪ In the morning, in the evening ♪
♪ That could freak you through the night ♪
♪ Though I keep it tight, I say "Hell, yeah"... ♪

What about him?

He's cool.

♪ We'll be making love... ♪

[zipper unzips]

♪ Like it's going out of style ♪
♪ Freak you on the bed, on the floor... ♪

I can have fun with that.

How much fun?

That depends.

♪ You gonna put it down ♪
♪ You keep saying you don't want me... ♪

On what?

On how much you want it.

200 for head, 400 to f*ck.

♪ Bet you gonna put it on me ♪
♪ You gonna put it on me ♪
♪ When nobody is around ♪
♪ I can break you down... ♪

Tiffany: Tomorrow, we can just chill.

So, I was thinking we could leave after, like, a late brunch.

I know this really cute... oh, my God!

Bitch, we did say!

Oh, my God. Why you looking at me like you Stacey Dash and I just told you you black?



None of that.

Marriage has made you boring. Issa, it's your turn next. We did say.

Uh, no, we didn't. I'm good, thanks.

Whatever. I'll take her go.

And can y'all make it good this time?

Challenge a ho.


I mean, we can't really top what you did with that guy last night.

[scoffs] Don't be mad 'cause I got game.


You know what? Give her something.

New Molly's got it.

Yes. Yes, she does.

So, we just... we just all gonna sit here and pretend new Molly ain't the same bitch that we've known for forever?

I wasn't gonna say anything, but, like, how is new Molly different?


Oh, I embrace who I am, okay?

I do what I want and I do not give a f*ck what anybody thinks.

Old boy from the club was cute, so I got with him.

But that's what you always do.


No, no, no.

Now she embraces it.


So, new Molly sabotages her life on purpose.

Oh! Okay, okay, okay.

So, new Molly chooses for niggas to walk up out of her life.

Got it. Cool, cool, cool.


'Kay, 'kay, 'kay.

Kelli, why are you always coming for somebody?

Why you coming at me?

Because you make everything a joke.

Like, you're 30 and you f*cking act like you're 19.

Mm. [chuckles]

And, bitch, why do you always miss your big-ass mouth?

I don't know!

Kelli, you are a mess.

No, you are, okay?

'Cause you're always telling somebody what to do or reading everybody.

And meanwhile, your codependent ass can't even take a sh1t without asking your man first.


[mouths words]

Well, at least I'm not up here pretending I have a man when I don't.

Yeah, I know that you and Lawrence broke up.

Wait, what?


Because she cheated on him.

Lawrence found out about you and Daniel?

You f*cked Daniel?

I don't wanna talk about this.

That's who it was?

Derek did not tell me that.

sh1t, what happened?

I said I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

[phone buzzing]

Is that why Lawrence hit you?

Molly: Kelli, shut the f*ck up.

Kelli: I mean...

Oh, sh1t!


Why the f*ck would you say something like that?

It's the facts.

[music playing]

[men shouting]

[phone ringing]



It's so good to hear your voice.

Uh, I'm really glad you called.

Are you okay?



No, but...

Um, do you need anything?

I'm good.


And Chad's good?

Chad is fine.

Sleeping on his couch isn't, but, yeah.

Well, um, you know, I'm gone till Monday, so if you wanna stay at the apartment, you know, it's quiet.

All right.

Are you okay?

You already asked me that.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

I don't know, maybe... maybe we should talk when you get home.


Okay, let... let's do that.

All right.

Okay, bye.


I wanna prank call Derek. Give me your phone.

I wanna be you.

Tiffany: You can never be me.

Kelli: I will try.


Guys, I need to go home.

What, now?

Yeah. Lawrence wants to talk and I need to see him.

It's 1:00 in the morning.

I'm too drunk to do anything.

You know what? It's fine.

I'll figure it out.


I'm not trying to get another DUI.

Tiffany: No, you do not need another one.

And another one and another one.

Both: And another one!

40 minutes?

f*cking Uber.




Come on.

We're almost there.


You know what you're gonna say when you see him?

I don't know.

Practice on me.

I'm so sorry...

f*ck you!

What the f*ck?!

Worst-case scenario, girl.

I'm just trying to keep you woke. All right, try it again.

I'm really sorry for hurting you.

And I can't imagine my life without you.

You're my best friend and... you're my body goals.

You were right about me.

[scoffs] I'm a f*cking mess.

I just... I don't wanna be who y'all think I am.

So, don't be.


You asking me?

But I'ma be here while you figure it out.

So, can we be friends again, or...?

Bitch, I am on the PCH at 2:00 in the morning.

[mouths words]

[phone chiming]


Tiffany: Y'all really just took my car?!

Give me the phone! Kelli!

Kelli: FYI, don't speed.

I got edibles under the seat.

This bitch.


Issa: I knew she was high the whole trip.

The whole f*cking trip!

Issa: You want an edible, though?

Molly: Nigga!

[chuckles] No?

I seen this bitch at the market.

She is a bad-ass, my nigga.

I'm tapping on her should...

What up, blood?


What's racking, big man?

Nigga, you know I smashed that, too.

Oh, what the hell, blood?

Man, I'm strapped.

♪ I'm a sunrise, why don't you want to collabo-llaborate? ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Even though I make mistakes ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm not a bad guy ♪
♪ I ain't all put together ♪
♪ But if you stick around ♪
♪ You gonna see I'm getting better ♪
♪ And I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ And you just don't care ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ And you just don't care... ♪

Text me when you get home.

♪ This could be a Cinderella story for a fella ♪
♪ If you let a brother come and spend a minute with you ♪
♪ Only got a penny and I got it from my loafers ♪
♪ But if I got something worth a penny, I can invest ♪
♪ And I'd be the best investment you've ever made ♪
♪ I'm invested, but you don't care ♪
♪ It's interesting that you don't care ♪
♪ But you care about some less interesting guys ♪
♪ Those guys are wack ♪
♪ Wack ♪
♪ Just bring it back ♪
♪ Bring it back to me ♪
♪ 'Cause I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ And you just don't care ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ I did it just for you ♪
♪ And you just don't care ♪
♪ I did it just for you... ♪



♪ So sick of tryin'... ♪

Oh, baby, yes! [moans]

♪ So tired of lyin' ♪
♪ Past the point of dyin' ♪
♪ No compromisin'... ♪


♪ And that fire we had, girl ♪

♪ Just couldn't survive the rain... ♪

I know.

[sobbing continues]

♪ Heard the weather man telling us ♪
♪ That it was gonna shower some pain ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ Sometimes we want ♪
♪ To work so bad ♪
♪ We stay too long ♪
♪ Then too long ♪
♪ Turns to too much ♪
♪ 'Cause too much ♪
♪ Is how two hearts crush ♪
♪ Sometimes it gets too much ♪
♪ A lot of everything, but no love ♪
♪ Just too much ♪
♪ That's how two hearts crush ♪
♪ I swear it feel like pain got a thing for me ♪
♪ It's like love want me to be in pain and want me to leave ♪
♪ I swear it feel like pain got a thing for me ♪
♪ It's like love want me to be in pain and want me to leave... ♪