I'll take that for you.
You look hungry, my friend.
Have some of the best chili for Christmas.
Chili? For Christmas?
Oh, that's Robin, that is.
Nobody move! I'm here for the money!
Tea-leafing a soup kitchen? Are you Patrick Swayze?
Hey, Kris Kringle, give me the cash donations before I paint these walls with Christmas cheer.
You don't want to do that, son.
Oh, and you want to die?
Everyone, no matter what their choices are, have the potential for good.
You've done some good things in the past.
Maybe not many, but there is something, someone you want to... you need to be better for.
A family member.
Oh, a mother.
A mother who believed in you no matter what.
You shut up.
Oh, so little human kindness ever shown to you, my poor boy, but it is there.
Be what she wanted.
Be a better version of who you are.
It's not too late, son.
It's never too late to take in the Christmas spirit.
Isn't that better?
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
(Dart blown, shouts)
Mistletoe, a trick to reveal myself.
Oh, no. Really?
We have to do this here?
Plus, I just spent a week clearing all this.
Which one of you messed it up?
No, not them. The annex.
This is an interface to the library and that was Flynn's workspace so the annex will always reset it to his specifications.
He's the Librarian, so his settings take precedence.
He belongs here.
And I don't?
I don't belong here!
Now I'm talking to the building just like him.
Why are you all so into this anyway?
By this, do you mean the most joyous holiday of the entire year?
Oh, it was good family fun.
Nieces and Nephews ripping though presents, their grandparents singing.
I get to see my cousins once a year, go out, play a little pool, every once in a while get into bar brawl on Christmas Eve.
A Christmas Eve bar brawl?
Yeah. Oh, I miss it.
My parents felt that it would stunt the development of my intellectual rigor to expose me to supernatural fallacies during my formative years.
They told me that Santa wasn't real at a very young age.
I wish I'd had even just a little while to believe.
Jones, don't tell me you're buying into all this.
I actually love Christmas.
All those valuables lying around, clearly marked by wrapping paper and bows.
Come on. That's all just an act.
I know there's good inside of you.
Yeah. There are days where I wish I could see what it's like to be the good guy.
What? No, no, um, no, listen, Gretchen.
Of course. No. He's not here!
Why would he be here, Gretchen?
Yes. No. All right. Fine.
We'll get on it right away.
Christmas is cancelled.
No. I mean Christmas is cancelled for the whole world and soon after the whole world will be cancelled because Santa Claus has disappeared.
Santa is real?
Santa Claus is real?
Santa's not real.
Santa is real.
Santa is real.
Not exactly in the sense that you understand.
Now the being often called Santa...
Not calling him Santa.
...is an immortal avatar of good will.
All year long he travels around the world witnessing, participating in acts of kindness, humanity.
Absorbing all of that good spirit on Christmas Eve, he rises into the atmosphere, releases all of that goodwill back into the human race recharging our karmic battery, as it were.
Not calling him Santa.
Doing this, the human race will run out of good will.
Every city on the planet will be burning by Groundhog Day.
So that's why everyone's always cranky around the holidays because we're running low on goodwill?
Precisely. Now when Mrs. Claus called...
Mrs. Claus is real!
Oh, shiny balls, yes.
When Gretchen called, she said the last time he checked in he was in a soup kitchen in London.
I'll fire up the back door. You're all going. Come on.
Still not calling him Santa.
What do you mean have I seen me?
I'm right here.
Not you. Santa Claus.
She's out of her bacon.
It's cockney rhyming slang.
Bacon rind, mind.
Are there any languages you don't speak?
Well, my urdu's a little rusty.
No. I'm sorry. Who was grabbed?
Well, a heap of coke with a funky titfer serving chili.
Heap of coke, titfer, his jeep was revoked with a zipper.
No, bloke in a hat. It's tit for tat.
Yeah, chili was Mae West.
Mae West, Santa's taking a day of rest.
Mae West, the best. Stop.
Got taken off by a bat and ball and a bunch of sporting tattoos.
Tattoos. They were playing kazoos!
No. I mean they had tattoos.
This one here, eh? Nothing in the loaf.
Actually she's got more lemons in her head than you'll ever have.
I'm trying... (Clears throat)
Can you describe these people for me?
Well, one of them had a right fine pair of reds.
Ah. Red rubies for...
These tattoos, Joe Blakes?
You're a sharp wooden plank.
Santa's not missing. He was grabbed.
Local surveillance cameras use Wi-Fi, so I popped open the hard drives.
There's no sign of him.
People who grabbed him had tattoos.
Joe Blakes. Snakes.
From the Serpent Brotherhood.
You all met Lamia, but I'm the only one who met him.
He's the boss. Um, Dulaque.
Of course that's what he's calling himself.
Uh, quick question, Jenkins.
What the hell are you talking about?
If Dulaque and the Serpent Brotherhood have Santa, at least we know what happens next.
Dulaque kills him.
He kills Santa Claus.
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa was not expecting this turn of events.
Santa wouldn't, would he?
Santa has spent a year gathering a magical power from the entire human race, so we will kill him precisely at midnight.
Well that's one way to end up on the naughty list.
Thus releasing the power of his magic unto us.
Why not kill him now and forget all the pageantry?
The closer to midnight, the more power we harvest.
Santa's very disappointed in you, Lamia.
Santa knows why you wanna do this, but Santa also knows it's the wrong way.
Santa knows that you wanna help people deep down.
He knows that...
Mistletoe, poinsettia, and holly.
Take him to the library. We finish him at midnight.
If all they have to do is kill him, there's no need to move him. He's still in London.
You remember where Dulaque's office was the first time you were there?
I didn't see his address.
I was in the car. I was blindfolded.
Well, that's a start. Better than a start.
One thing every thief knows, London is the most heavily surveilled city in the world.
Average person gets caught on camera 300 times a day.
Yeah, but I think they'd be pretty careful not to catch Santa on camera.
Yeah. But what about you on your first trip?
Were they that careful with you?
(Camera shutter clicks)
Good having a thief.
Yeah. Still there's half a million cameras in London itself and we got to narrow it down.
All right. You got a photographic memory, what do you got from that first visit?
But I didn't see anything.
Skip sight. Other senses.
We landed at Heathrow.
We took a helicopter into the city.
Not too many helicopter landing spots in the city.
Helicopter, whirlybird, Bernoulli's principle exploited by Sikorsky...
Cassandra. Cassandra, listen. Focus.
All right? Just don't see it, listen.
We were high up, then we drove for five and a half minutes and there was a bridge in the middle.
North or south.
The car was warmer on the right-hand side in the morning, so we were going north.
Got a radius.
And nicely for us, a lot of them have police and city cameras and they do not wipe their hard drives, so we're going into the police servers...
That ain't legal.
Not even remotely.
Got a street, not a building.
It was really, really old.
Then we got it.
That's the Chamberlain house right there on that street.
It's a classic Victorian.
It was designed by Bevins, very historical building.
I thought you did art, not architecture.
Architecture is just art we live in.
Why doesn't anybody get that?
There's not a lot of three thousand year old Nefertiti busts laying around.
No, there are not.
You'd be Stone then.
I've read your work. You're quite gifted.
Pity you don't have the courage to publish under your own name.
Last time I saw you, you were trying to murder me with a sword.
I don't get out the katana to murder just anybody, cowboy.
And the guardian.
The last time I saw you, you were in that green dress.
No Librarian to protect you this time, love.
And really, what sort of guardian needs to be saved by her librarian?
Kill them, but no guns.
I don't want anything in here damaged.
Whoa! Is it... is this yours? This... uh, what is this?
A qiao bin? Oh.
Look at the blue design under the underglaze.
Quite brilliant, his signature.
What do you think this is?
Do you think this is late 1426, maybe early 1427?
I reckon there's probably only like one of these in the whole world, huh?
No, I mean... well, uh... whoa! What do we got here? What is it?
A thousand-year-old Kublai Khan, probably worth about 20 million.
Take a look at that, Baird.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
No thanks. Lamia?
Is this Tibetan?
What do you think?
Hook shot. (Whistles)
Catch it... catch it. Thank you.
Look at this. What do we got, huh?
Here we go. Take that.
Why are you... why are you doing this?
Down the chimney. Well done.
You're Santa Claus.
Indeed, Cassandra Cillian.
Santa knows my name!
You don't look like the pictures.
Ho, ho, ho, Santa does not look like any of the pictures, but all the pictures look like Santa, Ezekiel Jones.
Santa knows my name.
Oh, you're in Santa's book.
Same book as her?
You've been a little naughty.
Why are you doing this?
Get to Santa!
It's a, uh, one of a kind Tibetan Kubera.
I couldn't live with myself.
Did they go up the chimney?
They won't get far.
Santa won't be feeling quite himself.
It's Santa Claus, like for real.
Jacob Stone, sir.
Santa knows you. Both incarnations of you.
All right. Get him to the nearest door Jenkins can home in on.
No. Santa needs to be at the North Pole tonight!
Santa needs his sleigh.
Number 943 in things I thought I'd never say, but I'm saying in this job, okay, Santa, where did you park your sleigh?
Santa hid it nearby, along the railroad tracks.
And you're gonna talk in the third person all day.
All right. Standard asset protection, they already believe you two have him.
Draw them off while I run escort to transport.
How do we get their attention?
Oh. This should be interesting.
You suck at being subtle, work with that.
We have them. They're heading north.
Santa always hides his sleigh.
I'm not smelling reindeer.
Santa senses that Eve Baird does not have the Christmas spirit.
Pal, I've known immortal things before.
People may call you Santa, but you're not Santa Santa.
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa will prove it to you when you see... somebody jacked Santa's ride.
Here you go, mate.
We got to go. What are you doing?
I have no idea.
Okay. There's a little truck thing.
We'll get to the truck, we're gonna...
Oh, ha, ha.
What did you... what is that?
Why is there a doll in my boot?
Because he's Nikolas. Nikolas the Wondermaker.
Santa Claus has different incarnations throughout history.
Different cultures manifested him different ways.
Nikolas the Wondermaker was a prankster.
He hid gifts in children's shoes, which makes no sense.
He hasn't been Nikolas in centuries.
Hey, don't be Nikolas.
Santa is having a hard time keeping his incarnations straight.
Tell Jenkins that Santa was poisoned.
Santa's almost all-powerful.
He shouldn't be affected by poison.
Santa is without the talisman of his current form.
It's what defines each version of Santa.
The stick is Nikolas. The hat...
The hat? Wait. He doesn't have his hat?
I gave it to Ezekiel. Will it affect him?
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ 'tis the season to be jolly ♪
Please kill me.
♪ Now we don our gay apparel ♪
Listen, you keep moving.
Santa is very powerful magic.
They'll be able to track him if you stop moving.
Great. Road trip with a psychotic shape-shifting avatar of goodwill.
Santa thinks that will be a mouthful to say every time you want to get Santa's attention.
Fine. Nick, I'll go with Nick.
Santa does not understand why Colonel Baird hates Christmas.
The real Santa would.
Especially because Santa knows why your first name is...
Don't. Don't even consider it.
And don't ho.
Nick, don't ho.
You have to let Santa get to the third the ho.
Otherwise it's sticks to Santa's head.
I don't care.
I hear you.
Hmm. Off-key humming for hours of a Christmas Carol.
Colonel Baird really seems to be on Christmas's case.
I just... Christmas carols are annoying.
Christmas is annoying.
Listen to yourself.
Christmas is the holiday that brings everybody together.
Yeah. That's the story.
That's it. Look at us. We're all together.
I've been on a dozen tours and every Christmas Eve, everybody gets drunk and tells each other the same story.
We're all together on this night, in this place.
It's a good story.
It's just a story.
Colonel Baird, have you reached the North Pole yet?
Jenkins, do you expect me to drive to the North Pole?
Santa can get us there.
Santa's sleigh has the power of flight, but Santa is the one that makes it go fast.
Jenkins, we're nowhere near the North Pole.
We're in Canada.
Why aren't we at the North Pole?
We're out of gas.
Colonel Baird got Santa out of London, but there is no way to get him to the North Pole in time.
How about we just all hold hands, bow our heads, and be grateful that we're all here safe together.
I don't feel so well.
It's the hat. Christmas magic.
You might wanna tell him to take it off.
Wait. Does it have to be the North Pole?
This is about ley lines, right?
Santa releases the magic power at midnight, that power travels through the world using the ley lines.
Yes, and the northern ones are the most powerful.
Hence, the legend of Santa and the North Pole.
I got it. All right?
All right. One more.
Okay. I have an idea, but I'm gonna need satellite maps, a farmer's almanac.
And plasma quantum dynamics charts, also some of that... I'm sorry.
Do you smell hot chocolate?
Don't forget the cinnamon sticks.
Oh, oven's ready for the cookies.
Where do you reckon he got the apron?
We're in Canada in the middle of nowhere, out of gas.
Colonel Baird, it's all right.
Cassandra believes she has a plan.
I don't think we need to go all the way to the North Pole.
I think we can tap in using the northern lights as a plasma conductor into the ley line.
Why can't I stop stuffing?
That would work, but we need the strongest possible Aurora Borealis, which happens...
There, somewhere over Alaska.
How exactly am I supposed to get to Alaska?
No, no, that's all right.
There is a commercial shipping airport near you.
What part of out of gas are we unclear on?
Colonel Baird, I will send Cassandra and Ezekiel ahead to arrange a plane to transport you to the site of the Aurora Borealis.
And Mr. Stone will meet you, here, small town, very near you.
And he'll get a car...
...and he'll transport you to the airport.
Now, Nick, we walk.
Yup. There you go.
There's the Christmas spirit.
Mr. Hank Perry of Moose Jaw is just having a bad day.
Like I said, I've seen a dozen Christmases in a dozen countries.
More, if Colonel Baird counts the army bases she lived on as a child.
Hey, don't do that.
Don't use your power for personal stuff, don't.
Santa is sorry.
But maybe that's why Colonel Baird feels like she has no place where she belongs.
But as long as you're with other people, you belong.
The entire human race belongs together.
All those Christmases, I was in places that completely disproved that theory.
I was there because people were fighting, hurting each other, doing things I, that they, that nobody could ever make right on Christmas.
Colonel Baird is correct.
A human action, once taken, can never be changed, but a human heart, that can always be changed.
Town's up ahead.
(Country style Christmas Carols playing)
All right. Stay out of trouble.
I'm going to call Stone.
Um, is that the plane being held for Colonel Baird?
Yeah, it is. I'm your pilot.
Midnight flight on Christmas Eve, eh?
You're trying to see the sleigh?
People do that sometimes.
Something wrong there, mate?
Don't seem to have the traditional holiday spirit.
I promised my fiancée we'd spend tonight together and then I got called on this flight.
Oh, well, we won't be long, so you'll have plenty of time to celebrate afterwards.
Yeah, you're right.
I need the cash for the wedding.
But you'd really love to be with her right now, eh?
I mean, that'd be your Christmas wish?
More than anything.
Oh, no. Oh, dear.
No. Yes, no.
Go be with the one you love.
Don't listen to me.
Yes. We're okay without you!
Are you sure?
Love is the supreme power. It trumps everything.
Why am I doing this?
Go be with the one you love.
Take this as a wedding gift!
Okay. Oh my gosh.
You're the nicest guy in the world.
Did I do it again?
Actually went through a door that wasn't a bathroom this time.
I rented a truck from a local.
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
sh1t. He's changed incarnations again.
The Viking God of battle and death.
What the hell kind of Santa is that?
The vikings celebrated both winter solstice and yule.
And Odin actually was the original incarnation of Santa.
They made sacrifices to him as a God and he protected them.
Come on, Nick. Time to go.
Odin does not want to go.
Odin wants more beer.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Okay, okay, buddy. Slow it down there, eh?
Mere mortals, do not tell Odin to slow it down.
Odin wants revelry.
Odie, ogie, whatever, you're about to get turfed from this bar.
You don't... you don't... you don't have to do that.
We got him.
No. Now Odin wants to spill blood.
Well, then, okay then.
With me, warriors?
Gloves off, eh?
Santa is sorry.
Somebody's doing what they're supposed to.
Thank you, Ezekiel.
Thank you, Cassandra.
Pilot in the plane?
He is spending this most glorious of holidays with his fiancée.
Sorry. You said hold the plane?
Right. Well, the plane's right there, so we did.
There's no pilot?
It's actually kind of positive if you choose to look at it that way.
You know, like, the glass is half full instead of half empty.
Unless there's a pilot in the glass that can get this bird up in the air, there is no positive.
Because I'm pretty sure that I am the most likely person here to know how to fly a cargo plane and I do not know how to fly a cargo plane.
Santa can fly large objects through the air.
You sick, Nick?
Santa is carrying all the power of all the good acts, all the good humanity has done for one year.
It is becoming too much.
According to this, we'll be in the middle of the Aurora Borealis in a few minutes and you can... whatever you call it.
Deliver the gift.
I thought it was gifts for all the little boys and girls.
No. Just one gift for everyone.
Santa's sleigh is missing, right?
That's what Baird said.
I think I know who stole it.
Somebody's opened the rear door from the outside.
Well, that was new.
What kind of a person steals Santa's sleigh?
A very talented one.
Now hand over Santa, blah, blah, and you won't be harmed, blah, blah, blah, a patently transparent lie of course.
I'm going to kill you, blah, blah...
Well, I see only one of you has got a weapon, so...
I'm going to check that out.
As soon as I'm through this door, lock it and... Nick!
Guys, Nick is...
Santa's been poisoned with holly, mistletoe, old hedge magics.
Morgan Le Fay would be proud.
Now, hand him over or I'll show you how very good I am with a blade.
I've killed more librarians than you've seen stars, Guardian.
Lamia, disable the plane.
Prepare the sleigh.
We shall remove Santa and kill him at our leisure.
Jones, give Santa his hat.
It's his. He needs it.
To regain his power?
To fight off the poison?
It's a talisman, isn't it?
Give it here, boy. I'll take that power now.
Don't feel a thing.
I'll be off to kill Santa now.
Actually, it would make us very, very happy if you would just kill Santa right here.
All of us, so happy.
I'll kill him here then!
Go ahead and take the sleigh.
I'm going to kill him here, on the plane.
What? Are you sure?!
It would really make my Christmas if you sent Lamia right along.
Go. Take the sleigh and go.
Dulaque, what are you talking about?
My tippy top Christmas wish is for her to go.
Actually, it would make us all very, very happy if you told us all the secrets of magic and how to stop the Serpent Brotherhood's plan.
A bit too much?
Just a touch.
Come on, Santa.
Tell me how to help Nick.
Or what? You'll let go?
Colonel Baird, I know something you don't.
I know I'm holding you in this plane.
To what end?
How is he?
Ain't gonna fly this plane.
Warning, hydraulic pressure dropping.
Lamia did a number on the hydraulics.
I can't keep her up.
What is that beeping?
It's the GPS transmitter.
There's a pipeline survey station down there.
Are you sure?
I worked the Trans-Alaska for a year.
It's gonna be abandoned, but the transponder's still working.
We could get supplies.
There's gonna be shelter.
You want to help me out?
Google "how to lower landing gear."
Ooh, all right..
Get some heat going, some light.
See if we can reach Jenkins on a radio, something.
Okay, Nick, do your thing.
What do you mean I?
When did you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
Nick, you're freakin' me out.
The poison, the separation from my talisman.
Oh, I gave that back!
It's too late.
I contain the energies, the goodwill of all mankind, but I cannot focus.
We have failed.
Santa has failed.
The Aurora Borealis is going nuts.
Come on, Nick. Ho, ho, ho.
Fire up some Christmas cheer.
The poison weakened me.
I possess the power, but not the will to deliver the gift.
We can't have come all this way and failed.
We need a new vessel.
Someone else must channel the power.
Someone else must be the Santa for just this night, but there is no guarantee that a mortal will survive.
Oh, look. We're the Librarians.
We'll take that risk.
No. I need someone more attuned to the night, someone more bound to Christmas.
I love Christmas.
What? Me? Because I wore the hat?
There is no one here more in tune with Christmas than the baby born on the last stroke of midnight.
So named by her parents as the girl born on Christmas...
You will splinter across the entire world in an instant.
You will probably not survive.
I think I can survive spreading around some goodwill.
Goodwill? Who told you?
But he never really understood.
When a person commits an act of goodwill, it does not just create more goodwill, it transforms into something better, into a gift for their fellow man.
So I give you, Eve Baird, all of humanity's goodwill.
Now, go and give them back the gift...
Come on. Come on.
Hey! Hey! Hello!
BP dropping, vitals are crashing. We gotta go!
Oh, my God.
Damn it. He's gone.
Yes. Go, go, go, baby. He's still with us!
Rodriguez, get out of there!
I can't find her. I just can't find her.
Rodriguez, get out of there. It's coming down.
She didn't go anywhere. Did it work?
She went. Everywhere.
You okay, Eve?
Call me that one more time and you'll be picking pieces of you off an ice floe for a year.
Just can't believe Dulaque would kill himself.
Dulaque, die from falling out of a plane?
We're... he's much tougher than that.
Speaking of tough, Santa is making a full recovery.
Well, tell Nick I said hi.
Still not calling him...
Not calling him Santa.
Any plans for the holidays?
No, just a little peace and...
How stolen is this?
Is it really considered stolen if no one knows it's gone?
Uh, well, wasn't the day I was planning, but it was pretty fine.
What are you talking about?
You got your Christmas wish. A bar fight.
Isn't that a funny coincidence?
Cassandra got to believe in Santa Claus.
Yeah. And Ezekiel got to know what it was like to be the good guy even just for a little while.
It was as horrible as I imagined.
Too bad you didn't make a Christmas wish, Colonel.
Would've come true, too.
(Hums "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")