01x02 - Anna

You've tested positive for chlamydia.

You'll need to contact your previous sexual partners.

All of them?

No, just the ones you like.

It's been 11 years since I lost my virginity and what have I got?

Apart from chlamydia.

I'm calling them. I'm thinking of visiting some of them.

Helen and Angus.

(Guests cheer)

What about her? She's cute.

She's my best friend.

Have to start saving up again so you can all get drunk at the wedding!

(Crowd cheer)

You could still say something.

(He groans and coughs)

We've got to do something about Angus. Everything reminds him of Helen.

He sees a girl in a skirt? Helen wore skirts.

I eat my porridge with a spoon? Helen used to use a spoon.

It's killing me, Dylan!

He's in a bad place.

He's in our place.

Yeah, he... He bought a clothes rail for the living room.

Feels quite permanent.

Mm-hm.

(He sighs)

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

(Angus snores)

Hey, Angus?

Helen!

Erm, why don't you move into Evie's old room?

Oh, no thanks. I won't be here long.

It's just a blip.

It's been three months.

How was Mal and Evie's engagement party?

Erm, yeah, the bits I remember were fine.

Your phone's been ringing.

I picked up one, but, erm, the caller just shouted.

Probably one of the girls you rang.

Angus, you're not making any sense.

You came home from Evie's party very, very drunk and, erm, started calling lots of women and saying sorry.

And then talking about condoms.

That's a lot of messages.

Mm.

Hi, Dylan, Anna Leslie here.

I got some of your message but then I think you were crying and we got cut off, so could you call me on...

(Phone beeps)

(Phone vibrates)

Hey, Caroline.

Yes, I'm nearly finished.

Yeah, his eyes are much sadder.

Honestly, there's no doubt at all that he's had a really sh1t life.

Sorry, an abusive life.

Yeah, I'll bring it round in the morning.

OK... OK, bye.

Cleo's in a bar and she knows I'm free for the evening.

One of you has to come with me.

Oi, come on! She thinks I'm an iceberg.

Like there's 90% more to me below the surface.

But it's just fish and ocean down there.

Yeah! And I'm fine with that. I know how awesome I am.

But see, Cleo's a thinker. She's clever and she has layers and thinks everyone should have them. And when she discovers how shallow I am, I will lose the best s*x of my life, of all our lives.

And I can't go back to experiencing less pleasure, guys.

So I need to put some padding between Cleo, me, and reality.

And one of you needs to be that pad.

I reckon Dylan looks strong and absorbent.

Line my panties, Dyl.

Line my panties.

You tell some jokes, entertain Cleo's friend and if anyone start digging deep, trying to get to know the real me...

We run screaming for the hills.

Boom.

So how long have you known each other?

Oh, just ages. How about you and Cleo?

We're on the same part-time Masters course. Psychology.

Plumbing the hidden depths of people like Luke.

Ah, not me. I was actually born without a subconscious.

Erm, that would make you pure ego.

That's uncanny. You've nailed him!

(Laughter)

No need to talk about me all evening.

Cleo, I like your haircut, for example.

Is it new... hair?

No, it's the same as it was on Monday.

Oh. Monday was nice, wasn't it?

I might nip to the loos and think about Monday.

Do you know where the...?

Yeah, I'll just, erm... show you.

(Oh, great. Thanks very much.)

Ah, erm... they've gone to have s*x in the loos, haven't they?

Yeah, I'd say they'd be at least four minutes. Maybe three.

It's a bit of a grim venue though, no?

Yeah, I tried it once. Nearly broke an ankle.

But there's the whole 'your place or mine' thing. Ladies or gents?

And in the ladies, I heard everything smells like candyfloss.

Everything you heard is true.

Music: Breezeblocks by alt-J Oh, hey!

Erm, Dylan, we should get going.

Erm, let's stay.

Erm, well, I mean, I want to, obviously.

But I've got that thing, remember?

Erm, no, it's fine. They called me. It's cancelled.

I f-find that very hard to believe, Dylan.

Why would I lie about it?

How about another round of drinks instead?

I'm in.

Yeah.

(Iceberg!)

Come on, Luke. We never get to just sit and just talk.

Erm, yeah, listen, maybe I'll just call them to double-check.

I might have got it wrong.

Thank you.

Fingers crossed I can stay.

So, did you bare your soul to Cleo?

Erm, we had s*x in the toilet, and then I left.

Wow. That's like something out of Jane Austen.

Where's Dyl?

I imagine, true to form, he's having s*x and then not leaving.

Some woman Cleo knows from her psychology course.

So, I'm not going to ask you up.

I-I don't want to come up. I want to go on a date.

Ha! Ah...

You're too young for me.

It's this T-shirt, isn't it?

You know, in a suit, I could pass for mid-30s.

Which would still be too young!

Come over, then. No date, just, just dinner.

We'll, we'll hang out.

See, I haven't 'hung out' since my late 20s.

Can I at least ask Cleo?

OK.

Dinner sounds... nice.

Yes!

(She laughs)

Anna's a grown-up and this is just what slightly older people do.

The elderly.

They make dinner. I think it's to prove they've learnt how to cook.

Why invite Cleo over? It's very unsupportive, Dyl.

It's basically... It's Judas territory, is what it is.

Anna wanted her to come.

'Wanted?' Cleo 'wants' to see where I live!

She 'wants' to see my bedroom and draw conclusions about my personality.

That's why I've worked really hard to keep her away from this place.

Did you ever think Cleo might like you if she got to know you?

Erm, yeah, I've considered it, and it's definitely a no.

And now she's coming to motherfucking dinner!

And there's going to be... conversation.

Why are there five plates?

You're eating with us. I'm cooking actual food.

No, I've got work to do.

Oh, but look, hey, if there's any big news on school catchment areas or hip replacements, come and grab me.

Join us.

It's an experiment in not living like depraved, feckless children.

It's only four hours.

Four hours?

Oh, you are such an arsehole!

Where are you going?

To neutralise my room!

(Doorbell rings)

f*ck it!

Hey! Great to see you, guys. Come on in.

Wow!

This place!

It's lovely, isn't it?

Really nice, erm, coats.

Oh, thank you.

It's absolutely fine.

(The women chatter)

Maybe I'll just put those over there, actually.

So, will you give us the grand tour?

Will I ever.

Dylan.

Bathroom.

This is where we keep Evie.

Oh, you moving out?

No. I keep my soft p0rn and Xbox games in boxes.

It's more convenient.

Cool.

Onwards.

And my room.

It's, erm... minimal.

Wine, sleep and philosophy. That's all I need.

Oh, that's interesting. Why?

Ah, talking about my feelings already and we haven't even got you two a drink yet!

Can you show me around your room?

I'll, erm... go find those drinks.

How was the tour?

I think Cleo's still seeing Luke's room.

The ceiling, mostly.

Yeah, I'm thinking I might, erm, rent my own place soon.

Oh.

Or, erm, get a mortgage, you know... fixed rate of interest.

That kind of thing.

(Luke and Cleo moan loudly)

You? You've been thinking that?

Yep.

Oh.

So, you're going to get yourself onto the old property ladder?

Yeah, I've been considering it, yeah.

So you're just testing the market conditions before making a play?

(Moaning grows louder)

Shall we move into the living room?

(They scream): "YES!"

Tell me about your family.

I'm too naked to talk about my mum.

That sentence could be straight out of my Freud module.

I think I can smell dinner.

Hmm, I just smell s*x.

No, it's definitely chicken. Let's go and eat.

Music: The Look By Metronomy There's jambon and jamon there.

So, not just ham and ham?

Jambon, jamon and...

English ham.

All very grown up. Normally we just get plain ham.

It all looks delicious.

What do you think, Luke?

About ham? Hmm, I'm on the fence.

How can you not have an opinion on ham?

You either like it or you don't!

Fine! I like it! So let's eat some.

And then there's roast chicken and pudding.

Oh, f*ck off!

That is, I am both pleased and surprised.

Dylan is not normally one for long meals with too many courses.

What?

Oh...

Has anyone else closed their eyes?

Did we pay the electricity?

It's the whole street.

Oh, well, party's over. I'm so sorry, ladies. I'll fetch your coats.

Oh, no, please stay. We can make this work.

It'll come back on in a minute.

Can... can someone pass me more ham?

I am passing you the ham.

Maybe we should go.

Oh, no, come on. I've made dinner.

We just need to find it.

We'll get the power back and we'll eat and it'll be great.

Power company said it could take hours.

Boys, no peeing standing up in the dark. You sit like girls.

I actually have a presentation in the morning.

I should probably drive home.

Oh, the lady's spoken. They need to go, really.

Can somebody shine a light?

I can't find my bag, and my car keys are in it.

Have we got a torch?

Erm, I think there's one in my drawer.

I'll help you look.

OK.


What's the system here? I'm feeling socks next to T-shirts. It's chaos.

Try the second drawer down.

Ah, I think I've got it.

(Vibrating sound)

So... this isn't a torch.

Oh, my God.

(He impersonates Scarface): Say hello to my little friend!

Turn it off, put it down. Never ever mention this again.

Do I need to wash my hands?

sh1t!

Did that hit you?

Erm, no, it didn't, actually.

Keep talking.

What do you want me to sa...

(OK, that hit me.)

Maybe it's cooked?

Hmm, I don't know.

Don't they eat raw chicken in Japan? I think I read that.

I have a torch!

And a much clearer idea of how Evie spends her evenings.

That looks disgusting, Dylan.

Why don't I just pay for Anna's cab home, huh?

I found my bag. Under a jumper, under a table, which was weird.

But great that you've found it!

But the car keys aren't in it.

Why not?!

Obviously I don't know!

Sorry. My presentation cards are in the boot.

We have pens and paper.

Doing some colouring-in won't cut it where I work.

Look, why... why don't you stay? We'll have dinner and then when it gets light...

f*ck's sake, Dylan, dinner is over! The ham's eaten, the chicken's raw!

Let's just bury this evening and move on!

Oh, great.

Anna, Cleo...

Ow!

..please stay as long as you want.

You are wel...

Ow, God! I'm going to give you a wedgie!

Boys!

Dylan, why don't we ask next door if he has a gas oven?

And Luke, if our guests don't mind, you could look for my camping stove.

It'll probably take you ages to find it.

(Doorbell rings)

What? You're letting the heat out.

Is your power off too?

That's none of your bloody business.

Um, we have a raw chicken here.

Our electricity's off. Could I please roast this in your oven?

I don't know you.

No, no, you do. We've lived opposite you for years. I took your parcel last week.

I didn't like it. It was too expensive.

Please, my whole...

I've read about this. Go away!

Read about what?

Oh, come on. Look, please, be neighbourly!

I just need one hour at 180 degrees.

Move your foot! This is burglary!

What am I stealing?!

Thought I'd come and give you a hand.

Maybe the stove's in one of these.

I've, erm, I've checked those. They're, um, mostly Evie's p0rn.

She is so immoral.

You think it's immoral? I'd have thought you were more open-minded.

What?

Cos what I mean is...

I mean, I love p0rn.

Half this stuff she's borrowed off me.

Brideshead Refisted? Ooh, it's immoral to box it up.

No, I don't like p0rn.

I just don't think it's a moral issue.

I'm surprised YOU like p0rn.

Cleo, I...

I really need to focus on finding Evie's stove.

So maybe instead of me, you know, joking about liking Evie's filthy p0rn, I should just quietly not talk to anyone until I've found this, erm... this stove.

Music: Wildest Moments by Jessie Ware The whole thing's been a complete failure.

Oh, so Anna's never had a power cut?

Why do you need her to think that you're...

I mean, you are where you are and where you are is not all bad, is all I'm saying.

We can't eat any of this.

Mm... Want to just keep walking? Go down to the river?

There's that place that does really good chicken. Fully-cooked.

It's at least a mile away.

Who cares? And it's a nice night.

It'll be beautiful.

They can wait.

Look, we should get back.

Hello?

We've got crudites and dips and custard.

Hey.

Oh, Jesus!

Party is over, Dylan. Just call it.

Where's Anna?

I don't know. I've been hiding. She's here somewhere.

You can still bag this one, buddy.

Evie, I need your help. Can't talk out here.

Here's the problem. Cleo looks like she's staying over and she's still going to be here in the morning, asking me stuff, probing for weaknesses.

Pretend you're asleep. That's what I'd do.

What, and I just do that all day tomorrow?

Before you go to bed, say you're really tired.

Ooh, that is clever.

Pow! So many questions.

Why didn't you say you were there?

Because I was on the loo and it was, I don't know, awkward!

By the way, did you piss on the floor?

No!

You want to know who I am?

I think I insist.

OK. I like steaks, I enjoy beaches...

Ugh. I'm going home.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

(He sighs)

OK.

I like plain girls who are trying really hard and I like gorgeous girls who are going to seed.

Most of all like I like women who don't really like me.

Sometimes I wish I was a massive, black, American guy.

I try to wait to get to work before taking a crap.

That way, they're paying me to take a sh1t.

Found my car keys.

sh1t.

Yeah, exactly.

I should have looked in your room earlier.

Who hides people's things?

But...

I knew you were too young for me, but hiding my things?

Only six-year-olds and close-up magicians do that and I don't want to go out with either.

I-I wanted you to stay for dinner.

You fanned out some slices of ham.

And I tried to cook you a chicken without any practical means of cooking a chicken.

Because...

I think you're beautiful and...

I like you.

I really wanted to make you dinner.

This may be a reflection of how messed-up my life's become but that is the most... romantic thing anyone's said to me in, well...

Music: Spanish Sahara by Foals I seek out vintage p0rn from the days when women used to have pubic hair.

I like the mystique of it.

And I want kids but I don't want to have to raise them, I just want visitation rights, not custody, even if I'm married to their mother.

I'd never have s*x outdoors in the missionary position, because if someone walked in halfway through, they might think I was boring.

I think...

No, no, no, there's more.

You know this can't last, don't you?

What? No.

I want someone to settle down with, have kids with, and I feel like I've got about 60 seconds left to find him.

Here I am, with a minute to spare!

You want kids next year?

Well, I... I mean...

Oh, if I was younger...

Then I'd be right for you?

Then I'd have more time to enjoy this not being right.

Erm...

I once hit a dog with my fist.

I think I'm done.

Oh, and I don't like reggae. I don't like huge tits.

That's me.

Wow. Thank you for your honesty.

Do you want to have s*x now?

Erm, definitely not. I think never again.

But I appreciate your candour.

It actually felt pretty good.

Yeah.

I totally forgot about the dog thing.

♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ Letters burning by my bed for you ♪
♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ I can feel my instincts here for you ♪
♪ Hey, now... ♪

(Doorbell rings)

Hi. Um, Anna texted me.

I've got her spare car keys?

You sound useful.

I'm Mal. I'm a friend of Anna's.

All right, mate?

(Luke sniffs)

Something's burning.

It smells like... chicken.

Holy...

(He sighs)

(Phone rings)

Anna Leslie's office. Chrissie speaking.

Hi, yeah, it's erm, it's Dylan for Anna.

Erm, she's expecting my call.

OK. I'll try and put you through.

Anna, were you expecting a dial-in?

Yes. Great.

Hi, Anna here, thanks for joining.

Hi, Anna. Um, it's Dylan here.

Listen, there's not an easy way to say this.

I-I-I might have given you chlamydia.

I think you have the wrong number!

Erm, Anna Leslie?

We had s*x during a power cut 18 months ago?

I have chlamydia now.

It's a sexual infection.

Can you hear me?

How did she take it?

I think maybe telling people on the phone isn't...

(Phone vibrates)

This could be a long morning.

Hello?

Hi, it's Abigail. You left a message for me last night.

I mean, most guys wait a couple of days to call but three years is... bold.

Yeah, um... about that...

Wait, I didn't get you pregnant, did I?

Does it have my eyes?

Are you still there?

Would you like meet up for me to talk the words to your face?

Um, sorry, I'm pretty bad at the phone.

I believe you.

But, yes, we could meet.

Good. I think that's good.

Music: Left Hand Free by alt-J She's single.

Ilona McLeod is single and she's having a party.

I need you to drive me to the Highlands.

You came!

I've got a to-do list for tonight. It's very short.

Hey, man. I'm Luke.

We were all at school together.

Fair warning? I'm packing this.

I want to see nudity.

I've been adding to this thing since I was seven years old.

We do everything that he hasn't yet done.

(Cheering)

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Whoo-hoo!

f*ck!