01x04 - Jeff & Some Laughs

[soft piano music playing]

I saw on Facebook that Tom O'Malley just gave his parents a second grandchild.

And he's five years younger than Jeff.

Well, I guess at this rate by the time Jeffrey gives us grandchildren, I won't be teaching them how to play baseball.

I'll be teaching them how to pee into a catheter.

You know what his problem is?

He's too immature.

He never takes anything seriously.

Guys, I have something important to add to this conversation and I want you to hear me out.

[farts] Oh!

[laughs]

What is the matter with you?

Stop laughing, Stanley!

Oh, my Lord! Open the window!

[laughing]

No, no, no, no, no.

Rolling down the window is bad for gas mileage.

I mean, don't you guys care about your carbon footprint?

[laughing] Ah, Jeff, stop! Stop, my eyes are burning.

[both laughing]

[truck horn blares]

[all scream]

[screaming]

[crashing]

[crying] Are you okay, Daddy?

My legs!

I can't feel my legs!

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪
♪ And here's the reason why ♪
♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪
♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪
♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait... What?

[birds chirping]

Whoo!

Tough day at the office. Ha ha.

Oh, [bleep] you.

Oh, my God, I just got to interview the host of "Dancing on the Stars With the Stars"!

[screams]

Blocked.

This is the best job ever.

I just review orgies all day.

Ugh, I am so tired of people bragging about their stupid, fancy jobs.

Let's see, what can we post about our jobs to make us look really cool?

[beeps]

Hey, Ted, what's going on over here?

What kind of cool, cutting-edge research are we cookin' up?

I'm studying Earth's tax system.

Did you know that capital gains are actually taxed lower...

Okay, okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Jimmy, how 'bout you, buddy?

Do you have anything cool to show me?

I certainly do.

I'm wearing a bow tie.

I'm gonna be the bow-tie guy from now on.

[sighs] There he is!

Just in time!

Jeff, what kind of fun shenanigans did you get up to on this crazy planet we call Earth?

[crying] We were in a... a serious car accident.

My father's spine was broken in three places.

Oh.

I am so sorry, buddy.

There's nothing that the doctors can do.

[sobbing]

Well, you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine.

[grunts]

[yelps]

I am so sick of you stupid aliens and your insensitivity!

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!

Jeff, Jeff, it's true.

And your...

What he means is you can heal anyone with a Laughter Disc.

[upbeat lounge music] _

♪ ♪

If you're like me, then you love to laugh.

[laughs]

Ah. That was enjoyable.

But did you know that laughter is also the most healing force in the entire universe?

Of course, the most destructive force in the universe is my ex-wife!

[laughter]

[shimmering tone]

Ah, look at me.

I'm dancing! I'm dancing!

Wow, this is amazing.

All I got to do is just make people laugh?

I mean, this'll be a cinch.

Okay, so, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.

No, no, no, Jeff, Jeff, you should really watch the whole video first.

Come with me now as I sift through all words and rank them in terms of comedic value.

"Aardvark." Not funny.

"Abacus." Mildly funny.

Guys, my dad is in critical condition.

Okay, I don't have time for this crap, all right?

Let's just turn the thing on...

No, no, no, no, no!

[screams] Make it stop!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ow, ow, ooh.

Holy [bleep], Jeff.

You were supposed to be heavily drugged for that.

You really shoulul watch the whole video.

Okay, well, at least the worst is over, okay, let's... let's get crackin' here.

Let's see, uh.

Oh, [chuckles] okay. I got one, I got one, all right. How 'bout this.

You guys know who Bill Clinton is?

Who?

Come on, he's Hillary Clinton's husband.

He was president in the '90s.

No? Nothing?

Okay, well, you need to know that he played saxophone.

And that was Kenneth Starr.

Oh, oh, and then Monica turns to Kenneth Starr and says, "I didn't inhale either."

[laughs]

O... kay.

Just so you know, laughing at your own jokes doesn't count.

Oh, it's not my joke.

I could never write something that funny.

[both gasp]

You can't steal other people's jokes.

That's the lowest thing a comedy healer can do.

Stolen laughs are incredibly toxic.

So I've got to come up with my own jokes?

Don't worry, Jeff.

Making people laugh is the most joyous, easiest thing in the entire universe!

Okay, just gotta bring the funny.

Jeff!

Huh?

Where is rent, huh?

You're three weeks late now!

Uh-oh, three weeks late?

I hope my apartment's not pregnant.

[laughs] Get it?

[chuckling] My apartment's a woman.

And the rent is her p...

[gagging]

You think it's a [bleep] game?

No, I'm sorry. I... I'll get you the money.

[grunts] Hey, Larry, will you give me a hand with this one?

Hey!

Quit talking trash, you two.

[chuckles]

PU, what's that smell? The garbage or the stink-eye you guys are giving me?

[chuckles]

I'm sorry, uh, have a nice day.

I got a question for everybody out here.

How many of y'all like eating [bleep]?

[laughter]

And I ain't talking about no "Mmm, I'm eating sunflower seeds."

Nah, I'm talking about put some more gravy on that mother[bleep]

'cause I'm 'bout to eat Thanksgiving dinner!

[laughter]

Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, I've been waiting here for over an hour.

Uh, how much longer until it's my turn?

This guy, I know...

'Bout an hour before you're up, but it takes decades to call yourself a comic.

What?

[phone rings]

Hello?

Jeff, where have you been?

We could really use your help here.

Dad is not doing well.

Sorry, I... I've just been extremely busy.

You ever eaten two [bleep] at the same time?

I call it the Mickey D's number four.

[laughter]

Where are you?

You know what? I hope you're having fun.

You should know that the doctor said Dad has internal bleeding.

He might not live more than two weeks.

What-what-no-no-wait-wait...

[line disconnects]

I know this guy knows what I'm talking about.

Look at that face...

Hey, hey.

Wait, what are you doing?

Sorry, I just really gotta...

Hey, so, uh.

I work at a smoothie place and I often wonder, "Why do they call them smoothies?"

You know? They're not that smooth.

Maybe they should start calling them "roughies."

Huh? [chuckles]

[coughs]

Oh, come on! You guys laugh at butthole guy but you can't give me one chuckle?

[crying] My dad is dying, please!

Why aren't you laughing?

Come on, come on, give me a little more.

Whoo! Just another Tuesday, training a smoking hottie.

Man, I love being a personal trainer.

Hey, big stud, put your camera away so you can focus on me.

She stares at Sammy's rippling muscles, as lust...

What? Cut, cut, cut!

You don't read the stage directions, you moron.

All right, we're filming for real this time.

No more screw ups.

[beeps]

You know what's crazy about this job?

I mean, you're a smoking hot... [door opens] oh!

Oh!

[gagging]

Oh, oh!

Jeff, are you okay?

Damn it, you guys get away from me!

Today has been a nightmare.

I couldn't even get a courtesy laugh.

Every single person out there is just a uptight asshole!

Sounds like you're not respecting your audience, Jeff.

[sobbing] My dad's gonna die.

It's all because I'm the least funny, stupidest, loseriest guy in the world.

Guys!

[uplifting piano music]

[gagging]

They love you, Jeff.

They do?

♪ ♪ _

Oh, of course they put up a Q-wall.

Okay, let me see and... Okay, I got it.

All right, Jeff, this will give you access to the entire Azurian viewing public.

Every time you get a laugh, this thing will absorb it and shoot it into your laughter disk...

Sweet. [screaming] Oh, my God!

Whoa! Oh, no!

Jeff, I wasn't finished yet!

It wasn't even sterilized.

All right, Jeff, you ready to get out there and make me a hit producer?

You mean heal my father?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That part too.

That goes without saying.

And Candy Cane leads from the inside.

Summer Sunday two leagues ahead of her and... Oh, my God! There's a man on the racetrack!

Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God!

Oh, oh, dear.

Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God!

Weird. doesn't seem to be getting any traction at all!

What do you think the problem is?

I don't know. It just... maybe it's because it doesn't have the spontaneity the other one had.

Yeah, I mean, who has a picnic on a racetrack?

Alone? It doesn't really make sense when you actually think about it.

Well, maybe next time we'll think things through a little more...

Look, Jeff, here's the thing.

The weights falling on your throat video was incredible. Okay?

No one... no one's gonna deny that.

But it was an accident.

I mean, maybe you're not a pranks guy.

Ooh! You know what I'm thinking for you?

I'm thinkin' you could be the Earth version of Zorby!

Who's Zorby?

Only the biggest comedy genius the universe has ever known!

[spring boinging]

Ooh! Right in my stinkhole!

[laughter]

You know you guys promote yourself as an advanced species, right?

Honey, I told you!

No back flipping in the house.

How 'bout I front flip you then?

Badabadabada!

[laughter]

Oh, man, he really holds a mirror up to society.


Seriously, what the hell is this?

It's brilliant is what it is!

It's relentless, it's in your face, and it's all centered around a family unit so everybody can relate to it.

You tap into that, my friend, and your dad is as good as healed.

[monitors beeping]

[crying]

Daddy, we love you... and we're gonna get through this, okay?

Because we're family and... family always sticks to...

H-Hey! Sorry I'm late, I was busy shaving my balls.

[laughter]

[charges]

Yes! You hear that, baby?

That's the sound of a star being born!

But seriously, how's Dad?

Is he okay? I'm so sorry.

Never apologize!

You gotta own your bits, Jeff!

Of course he's not okay, you idiot!

What are you thinking?

Ooh, wt do we have here?

A new flavor of Capri Sun?

That's good 'cause I'm thirsty.

[laughter]

[charges]

How dare you!

This whole situation is your fault and you're acting like...

You think I don't live with that guilt every minute?

I'd trade places with him right now if I could.

But first, how about I take a little sip of this delicious chocolate milkshake?

Mmm.

[laughter]

[all scream]

Get out!

I'm only doing this because I love him! I'm trying to help!

[door slams]

Okay, Jeff, looks like that bit in there may've overstayed it's welcome a little bit.

I can't do this anymore, okay?

Look! It-it's about halfway full, I mean, that... that should be enough to help, right?

What? No, no, no.

The laughter disc has to be filled to 100%, or it doesn't work at all. Everybody knows that.

Tell him he would've known that if he'd watched the video.

Will you tell that guy to shut up about the damn video?

Huh, according to these stats, people only watch for six-second increments.

Wait a second. I think we may have just cracked the perfect form of comedy here!

Six-second bursts of random, idiotic behavior.

That feeling you get when you find the perfect parking spot.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[laughter]

[laughing]

[charges]

That feeling when you gotta write a long text, but you only got 1% battery left on your phone.

Quick. Quick. Get all the letters out or we'll never get laid again!

[charges]

That feeling when your toast gets too toasted.

[dramatic music]

No!

[laughs]

We've all seen Jeff, the galaxy's most outrageous new comedy star, but now, we talk to Sammy...

Hey-oh!

The man behind the man.

So, what inspired you to give this human a platform?

[slurps] Well, I think Azurians are sick and tired of turning on their screens and seeing the same old faces all the time.

Jeff is something an audience has never seen before.

He's a straight, white, human, male.

That's so bold and exciting.

Well, that's all the show we got!

Thank you so much, good night!

[cheers and applause]

Hey, we're having a little soirée up at my place tonight.

Nothing fancy just a massive orgy with a bunch of A-listers. You in?

You have no idea how much this means to me.

[monitors beeping]

Well, usually, I like to tell people to hold out hope, but in this case... the contents of a man's colostomy bag has entered his bloodstream.

I'm afraid he'll have no more than 48 hours left.

[gasps]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[crying] Oh, no. Oh, God.

Hello, Jeff? I just want you to know that Dad's got 48 hours left to live and it's all your fault!

Oh, my God!

Oops! My bad.

Aah!

[laughter]

[charges]

[dogs barking]

[grunting]

[laughter]

[charges]

Hey, Evgeny, the bank was out of hundreds.

Mind if I pay my rent in tenners?

Well, okay.

Hit it, boys.

[singing in Italian]

[charges]

Ummm. I think I'm gonna give this one somewhere between a 7 or an 8? We'll see how...

[triangle dings]

All right, everyone.

20 minutes until the orgy begins.

Sounds like it's gonna be the longest 20 minutes of my life. Am I right ladies?

[groans] Yeah. Anyways...

I started watching that Jeff the human feed yesterday.

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

Oh, my God, it was just such lowbrow garbage.

Yeah, it's obviously just made for stoned teenage morons.

I think entertainment has a responsibility to plumb the depths of our souls.

So true.

Oh, my God! Did you see the premiere of "Dancing With The Stars On The Stars"?

Oh, my God, yes, I'm, like, obsessed with that show.

It's so cool that they're...

Oh, my God!

[laughs] Guys... my dad is as good as healed!

I had no idea comedy could be so easy.

I just think of the dumbest thing I can, and then I just don't second guess myself.

What do you mean? What kinds of stu...

Aah!

[grunting]

[laughter]

Oh, what a night!

Jeff, put those sausages down!

I realized something last night.

Nobody respects comedy.

That why I'm taking you to the next level with a spot on "Dancing With The Stars On The Stars."

No big deal, just the biggest show in the galaxy!

I'm not interested in being famous, okay?

I am what you would call a "pure performer."

I'm only in this for the healing laughs!

[grunting]

[laughter]

I just love that it's so smart and dumb at the same time.

[laughs] What's the dumb part?

[charges]

Oh, yeah! So close!

All right, all right. What we got? What we got?

Oh, hey, What the hell are these tiny little things?

I've had dingleberries longer than these.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

[gasps]

What'd he say?

Little dingleberries. Huh?

[all gasping]

Not big enough? [laughing]

[powering down]

Oh! Ohhh!

Wha... What just happened? Is this thing on?

You really should have watched that video.

For generations, there has been a group of Azurians that has never known peace or justice...

The Short Antennae'd.

Their history of inequity goes back to Ancient Emperor Zlarkon, who famously ground short antennae into a fine powder, believing it to be a powerful sexual stimulant.

Jesus. I-I had no idea.

With offensive names like "Shorties" and "Tip-Tips", mockery of the Short-Antennae'd was long a staple of Azurian Comedy.

What do you think about interplanetary politics, Znags?

Duh, how should I know?

I can barely pick up gamma rays with my little dinky dinks.

[laughter]

It's just shameful.

I still don't get it. Where did all my laughs go?

Your laughs were erased, Jeff!

Hate-based comedians don't deserve to have healing laughter.

Erased?!

I worked like a dog for those laughs.

[groans] I can't believe after all that it's gonna end like this. I mean...

I'll never find an audience big enough to...

[gasps] Sammy, can you still get me on that stupid dancing show?

[whooshing]

Well, I hope there aren't any fire marshals in the house tonight because we are way beyond capacity with people coming in droves to see the hated Earth bigot, Jeff Mahoney dance.

[whooshing]

[spotlight clicks]

[Latin-style music]

♪ ♪

Okay, look, I'm not really here to dance.

[audience gasps]

What?

Huh?

I didn't know about the whole short antenna thing, but ya gotta believe me when I say I'm really, really sorry.

Now...

Whoa! Slow down, there, buddy.

This isn't "Monologues With The Stars On The Stars."

[audience laughs]

Let's move on to our next contestants...

Back off!

[audience gasps]

All right, now, here's what's gonna happen, I'm going to tell some jokes and I need you to laugh even if you don't think they're funny.

Please, just open your hearts...

I'm Mr. Nipples! I'm Mr. Nipples!

I'm Mr. Buttcheeks. Big Mr. Buttcheeks.

What the [bleep]?

[groans] Okay, you know, I, uh...

I usually have music that kicks in when I do this stuff, and...

You suck, skin face!

You're not funny!

[audience booing]

You think I don't know that?

You think this is easy?

You know the only time I ever really made anyone laugh?

Was at summer camp, and this kid named Jake Weisner pantsed me, and told everyone I had a small pen1s...

I mean, do you have any idea what it's like to be mocked for something that has nothing to do with who you are on the inside?

That's it. People of Azuria, don't you see?

[audience gasps]

I, too, have a short antenna!

Oh, my goodness, that's the shortest antenna I've ever seen.

[laughter]

[charging]

Huh, so it's funny when it's my pain, huh?

OK great, great, great.

Well, that summer, my nickname became "Lil' Nubbins" and that stuck with me until the 12th grade!

[both laughing]

[laughs] Little Nubbins.

[laughter]

[charging]

You guys wanna hear about the first time a girl met Lil' Nubbins?

[cheers and applause]

[indistinct woman on intercom]

Daddy.

Everything's gonna be okay now.

[whirring]

Jeff?

Get out!

I swear to God I'm not gonna do any more hilarious bits.

That's too bad 'cause I love your hilarious bits.

both: Dad!

Stanley!

Daddy! Oh, I thought I'd lost you.

I'm so sorry for everything.

You're the best dad ever, and you deserve a son you can be proud of. Not some loser who's never gonna give you grandkids.

Oh, what do I care about grandkids when I already have the most incredible son in the world?

Oh, it feels so good to have an honest and sincere moment with you guys, and be able to really tell you, how much I love you all.

And we love you, Jeff.

[emotional music]

♪ ♪

Uh, Jeff, what the hell is this?

A Lifetime movie?

We're gonna need a huge joke to make up for this... um, ideally, something that's highbrow and lowbrow at the same time. Here's the bad pitch: you talk about the decline of social mobility... with your asshole!

[upbeat music]

[panting]

Freeze!

[grunts]

[stammers]

[gun cocks]

Well, well, well.

Easy.

Looks like you're toast, Detective. Aah!

Looks like you're toast... covered in strawberry jam.

♪ Small time crooks, but this cop is even smaller ♪
♪ If you're in heat ♪
♪ He'll bring you back hotter ♪
♪ All you bad guys are going down ♪
♪ He's one adjective and one proper noun ♪
♪ He's Lil' Nubbins ♪
♪ The smallest private dick in town ♪

You're under arrest!

[laughs] I like his funny, high voice.

He sounds so stupid.

I'm telling you guys, I can feel it.

We got something really special on our hands here.

Jeff, what's the matter with you?

You don't want to watch the show?

I'm sorry, guys, I can't handle any more garbage comedy right now.

Why don't you check back in with me in about a week?

Cut!