01x05 - Jeff & Some Colonists

male narrator: Earth. A planet inhabited mostly by termites and mold, but there are also humans.

God damn it!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Is that a camera?

narrator: The mating ritual of the human is a mind-boggling dance.

First, the male chooses a mate who is much more intelligent and attractive than he is.

Then he begins to obsess over her, consulting her Facebook page up to 50 times a day, often pleasuring himself to her likeness to the point of exhaustion.

Months can pass with no word from the mate.

[cell phone vibrates]

Then, suddenly...

Linda?

narrator: She will

make contact.

No, no, it's not a problem.

I'm right nearby. I'll be right there.

narrator: Usually when she needs help moving large objects.

Or when somebody else has canceled their plans with her last-minute.

Somewhere in this complex dance, procreation occurs.

Well, I got a lot of notes.

For starters, I think we need ten more frames of Jeff jerking off to help with the pacing.

And the soundtrack...

Come on! I'm exhausted.

Why are we working on this so hard?

Because our boss is coming.

Guys, this is our chance to get promotions and move on.

And then we never have to hang out with these dirty humans again.

But I love humans.

Yeah, yeah. They're fine.

But you know what I'm saying. Come on, guys.

You underestimate humans.

They're dignified and intelligent and...

Guys, I found a crack in the system.

Check it out: they call it dog food, but really, it's just super cheap meat that never goes bad.

We're talking lamb, sweet potato, and beef!

For $1.29!

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

all: ♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪
♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait... what?

♪ ♪

Linda.

Hey, everyone.

This is Jeff. He was nice enough to be my last-minute plus one when Lindsey bailed on me.

Ha, yeah, I just had to move some things around.

I have this iffy mole on my back that they wanted to get rid of, but they have another opening in eight months, so it should be fine.

Anyways, once I approve the cover proofs for the French and Danish translations, my memoir is officially finished.

Yay!

So I suppose you could say things are pretty busy.

all: Oh, busy's good.

You gotta stay busy.

Busy's good.

Of course, compared to Chet, I'm basically doing nothing.

Oh, that's right. What is this I hear about them building a statue of you in a Chinese village?

It's actually in northern Laos.

I mean, all I did was go over there and open a couple of button factories with my dad and now they call me "fu sen yai."

The savior. [laughs]

It's not really a big deal to me.

That is amazing. What about you, Jeff?

What do you do?

Uh, have you heard of Smoothie Prince?

Wow!

That's your company?

No, no, no. I... I just sell them.

Oh, so you're the head of the marketing department.

Hey, still a great gig.

No, no, I, uh...

I sell them at the mall.

It's so cool. I can drink all the free smoothies I want.

Just don't tell my boss. [laughs]

Cool.

Yes.

"Busy's good"? [chuckles]

Next time, give me a heads up before you take me to a fascist rally.

I'll bring some books to burn! [laughs]

Come on, Jeff.

They're just being ambitious.

I mean, don't you have any goals for your life?

Of course I do.

I want you to be my girlfriend again.

I don't know if you remember this, but when we were together, all we did was sit on the couch and get high all day.

I know. Wasn't it amazing?

Yeah, it was fun when we were kids in our early 20s.

But we're in our mid-20s now.

I need to be with somebody who's mature and pushing himself to do big things.

Big things? I can do big things.

But, like, how big?

Are we talking, like, go to medical school or, like, you know, smoke a little less weed?

Wh-what are the parameters here?

You know what? Don't worry about it.

I'll figure it out.

Can I have a blueberry blitz, please?

Absolutely, sir. Are you interested in a free protein boost today?

Uh, sure.

Luke, he said yes! He said yes!

[laughs] Okay. yeah.

Okay, okay.

Okay, quick, quick, quick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no. We don't play "Protein Surprise" around here anymore.

From now on, we're only gonna do big things.

What are you talking about?

This is your favorite game ever.

Yeah, dude.

You said, and I quote, "Watching a customer unknowingly drink my [bleep] is one of life's greatest joys."

Beautiful quote.

Hey, you know what?

I think I'm gonna go somewhere else.

Okay, well, I don't say things like that anymore.

The new Jeff says things like: let's push ourselves to do our very best work today.

And work really hard.

Man, new Jeff sucks.

♪ ♪

narrator: They are majestic.

They are marvelous.

They are dazzling.

They are humans.

What'd you think?

Well, you're all fired.

Wait, no!

I can't believe we spent 7 million orbs on this mission.

Sir, please. Humans are magical, special creatures.

They deserve to be...

Look, I know a loser planet when I see one, okay?

Let's just cut our losses and vaporize this place.

[humming tone]

I'm out!

Got my smooth...

Ah!

Damn it! All right, who the hell is this?

I told you guys, there's already four of us sharing one bathroom.

There's no room for any more.

[slurps]

Ugh.

[slurping, laughing]

Oh! Oh! Stop it! Stop it!

Oh!

Ho-holy sh1t!

Now, this is something I can work with!

It's like, I blow up planets every day and now I'm thinking, what if those other places had some awesome sh1t that we blew up and now I'll never know and... how did you not know about this?

I mean, we've just been too busy, you know? We've been too busy working on the film, and that's the thing about film: there's so many different aspects to it. There's the music, the editing, the acting.

Totally! Dude, dude! I love hanging out with artists; it's so inspiring. You know what? You know what, I'm gonna tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put on a show! And you're gonna direct it.

Me? I'm gonna direct it?

And I'm gonna give you full artistic license...

Guys, guys, guys! Okay, I'm glad you like the smoothies, but it's getting kinda late.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!

I want to offer you an opportunity so incredible, so momentous that only an idiot would turn it down.

Okay. I'm listening.

If you give us more of these smoothies, we'll usher your whole planet into a new era of progress, culture, and technology beyond your wildest dreams.

And you, Jeff, you will be the man who made it all happen.

What do you think? Sounds pretty good, huh?

Wow, that sounds like I'd definitely be doing something big with my life, right?

Are you thinking about chicks right now?

'Cause yeah, you're gonna get a whole lot of ass, my friend.

Not to mention [bleep] and mouth.

Okay, all right, dude. Take it easy.

Okay? I... I'm in.

I'm in. Just more for the advancements and stuff to help the Earth.

Hey, Linda, have you ever heard of the Bechdel Test?

Yeah, it's that test of either a movie or TV show has at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man.

And it is shocking how many shows fail it.

Anyway, Jeff just has no ambition.

And it's really too bad, because he's a great guy.

Oh, come on. He's a deadbeat.

We interrupt this broadcast for news of global importance.

What?

Today, history was made.

A hand has reached out to us from the cosmos.

Oh, my God.

And one man was there to accept it.

One man has ushered us into a new age.

What?

And that man is Jeff Mahoney.

Hey, everybody!

No [bleep] way.

Thank you, thank you so much.

This is a really exciting day for Earth.

[cheering]

Now, I know some people write their memoirs when they're in their 20s or use their dad's money to start bullshit button companies, but I wanted to do something really big with my life!

[cheering]

[big band music]

♪ ♪

Oh, and I've gotta give another speech to the U.N. on Thursday, and I gotta pose for another statue on Friday.

I mean, I've just been crazy busy.

all: Busy's good.

I gotta say, you're a lucky lady.

Oh, uh, thank you.

Did you just say thank you?

Does that mean that we're going out?

I mean, that's what you mean, right?

Let's not talk about this right now, okay?

There's no other way to interpret that.

Thank you, Mr. President.

[clicks tongue]

What's up, you beautiful smoothie-making primates?

Are you ready to reap the benefits of an interplanetary deregulated Zargonian trade system?

Whoo!

all: Huh?

I'm talking about giving you guys a bunch of cool alien sh1t!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat electronic music]

[cheering]

♪ ♪

[all exclaim]

Business is booming, thanks to the massive surge in smoothie production.

Let's face it, people. Things have never been better!

Mmm, this roast znorg is to die for!

Do you ever wonder if this is all too good to be true?

Linda, please, if it was possible for things to be too good to be true, you wouldn't exist, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We are no longer accepting any human currencies.

You'll have to pay in Azurian orbs.

Orbs? Where the hell am I supposed to get those?

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

all: Huh?

♪ ♪

My fellow humans, it is now clear: we've been had.

Last night, while our generals drank Azurian wine and danced at galas, the aliens stole all our weapons.

The once-proud human race has been turned into a bunch of smoothie drones.

It's only a matter of time before our airwaves are taken away from us and we are all...

Are you an Azurian visiting Earth?

Well, why not put some roots down and take advantage of this business friendly paradise?

I just bought this beachfront property for only three orbs.

Earth rules!

You can't do this!

I've lived here for 30 years!

Oh, my God, Linda. You were so right.

It was too good to be true. You're so intuitive.

I guess the one good thing to come out of all of this is that we can face it all together, now that we're a couple, and...

We're not a couple, Jeff.

What is the matter with you?

You destroyed the whole planet.

I never wanna see you again.

Linda, wait!


Don't have plans on Saturday? Come see "Smoothie Planet: The Musical," and prepare to be dazzled by directing genius, Sammy.

Sammy.

Are you sure, Jeff? You're willing to give us your entire planet?

Sure, I'll do anything for Linda's ass, [bleep], and mouth.

And that is how the greatest business deal in the history of the galaxy was concluded.

That is not how it happened!

Jeff! What are you doing here?

We're still in rehearsals.

We're not ready for the critics.

All right, buddy, look.

It was great having you guys here on Earth, okay?

Lots of great stuff came out of it.

I love the znorg but, uh, I think it's time for you guys to pack up and go home, okay?

[laughing] Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

I'm sure you humans will get used to this new advanced way of life.

Yeah, uh, guess I'm not being clear here.

I want you...

Shut up!

[all gasp]

Do you have any idea how easily I can kill every single human there is?

This planet is ours now!

Now get the [bleep] out of here before I rip the skin off your face.

[laughs] Sorry, guys.

I think I need another smoothie.

I'm gonna get another smoothie. You guys good?

You want one? You want another smoothie?

What the heck was that?

Oh, come on. He's just a passionate guy.

We should go find Jeff and help him get his planet back.

Guys, guys, guys. Do you realize the opportunity you have here?

'Cause I don't think you do.

You'll be able to tell people that you assisted me on the greatest work of my life.

If that's not a dream you can get behind, well, then yeah, maybe you should walk out that door right now.

Jeff!

Jeff, where are you?

[both gasp]

[dramatic music]

[gunshots in distance]

♪ ♪

[babies crying]

Are you sure it's safe over here?

This is where you gotta go to get the illest, most authentic Earth foods.

Like, they got this one dish where they mix protein and carbohydrates. It's insane.

What have we done?

[crying]

Holy sh1t, it's Jeff.

Huh?

Dude, where have you been?

Do you have any idea how famous you are?

Even my mom hates you.

She's right to hate me. [cries]

This time I really [bleep] up.

I really did. I really [bleep] it good.

I did, I did.

Oh, man. I've never seen Jeff this bummed out.

I wish there was something we could do.

Hey, airhead, get me a blueberry blast.

That's it. Can I interest you in a free protein boost today, sir?

Just make it fast; I haven't had a smoothie in 20 minutes.

Jeff, you ready to get hella cheered up?

[both giggling]

Huh?

Here you go, sir.

[slurps]

[muttering] Stupid.

Jeff, Jeff! You're missing it.

Hey, wait a second, this tastes kinda fun...

[explosion]

Whoa!

Oh, my God!

[laughs] I think we just figured out how to save the world!

The uprising meets over here.

Are you sure there's gonna be a lot of virile young men here?

Geez, Jeff, will you stop asking that?

[indistinct conversations]

Brothers and sisters of the uprising...

Linda?

We must put aside our distrust and welcome our two newest members.

[all gasping]

Do not be afraid.

We support your cause... hey, is that Jeff?

Hey, buddy!

No, no, no, guys, no.

Holy sh1t, it's Jeff Mahoney!

Get him!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait! Can't we just talk for one second like mature, rational adults?

Stop!

Okay, Jeff. This better be good.

Okay, so...

I just jizzed in this smoothie.

[all exclaim disgustedly]

Jesus, Jeff.

And you didn't let me finish.

We discovered that's how we can fight back.

It kills the aliens.

I know it sounds insane, okay?

It must have something to do with the protein or something.

I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

But if you just let me feed it to your captive here.

What? No, no, no, no.

Can you just waterboard me or something?

Oh, I can't believe I ever thought you'd grow up.

Just... just take him away.

Linda, ugh, please! [grunts]

Get him! Get him!

[crowd murmuring]

Ah!

[all gasp]

Well, I hope you're happy with yourself, be...

[explosion]

See? See?

Jeff, you crazy, beautiful, genius.

[triumphant music]

Warriors of the uprising, when darkness falls upon us, that is when light is needed most.

And today, we will show them all that the eternal flame of humanity burns brighter than they ever could have dreamed!

[all cheering]

And what I mean by that is we all need to jizz in this truck at least seven times each.

[intense music]

[zippers zipping]

[grunting, breathing heavily]

[both moan]

Sammy's planning a huge finale for his show.

He's gonna spray smoothie all over the audience.

The smoothie vat's right here. And that's where we put the poisonous ding dong juice.

What do you think, Linda?

Wanna join me for a night at the theater?

[orchestral music]

Ooh.

♪ ♪

Before I came to Earth, there was nothing on this planet.

Nothing at all.

[crashing]

[intense music]

We must be leaking.

We can't stop. There's no time.

I got this. If I fall, you go on without me.

I love you, Linda.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[sighs]

[crashing]

God damn it!

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh.

♪ ♪

[crash]

Through here.

Great, great.

Let's just hurry this up so we can all get back and take showers and stuff.

[overlapping voice exercises]

[all exclaim]

You're not supposed to be back here.

[explosions]

Oh, oh, God.

♪ Now your human lives have meaning ♪
♪ You make smoothies every day ♪
♪ Do you ever miss the way things were? ♪

No, sir.

Uh-uh.

No way.

[light instrumental music]

Now!

[hose squeaks]

[all gasp]

No! It must have all leaked out.

What are we gonna do?

I'd say we need at least 15 loads for this to work.

And that's a conservative estimate.

But that's impossible!

No, it's not.

[zipper zips]

[grunting]

Jeff.

[grunts]

That's one.

I just really hope that when this is all over, people will remember that there was a lot more to this fight than just jizzing in smoothies.

This was about oppression and imperialism, and the interplay... [moans]

That's two.

♪ Thank God for aliens ♪
♪ Thank God for aliens ♪
♪ They made our lives worth living ♪

[sniffs]

[groans]

Five.

You can do it, Jeff.

♪ I believe that God is a man in the sky ♪
♪ I believe that God has elephant eyes ♪
♪ Well, you're all wrong ♪
♪ God is an alien named Zothrax ♪

Ohh!

13!

Ah, I can't.

I think that might be all I've got in me.

I believe in you, Jeff.

[gasps] Oh, God.

I forgot how amazing these feel.

[grunts] Uh, uh, uh.

14!

[moaning]

Ooh!

15!

Yay!

You did it, Jeff!

You did it! You...

[moaning]

16? Nice.

All right everybody, all right.

We're just about at the end of the show here.

But what I wanna know is how many of you wanna try a smoothie right now?

[all agreeing]

I can't hear you!

[whooshing]

[splattering]

Bravo! Bravo!

This is what I love about the theater.

It has an energy...

[booming]

What the [bleep] was that?

I don't know, man. But I'm never touching this devil juice again.

I'm getting the hell out of here!

Aw, now there's no way I can put this show on my resume.

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

Whoo! Let's go home and make love right now.

That sounds great, but, uh, let's pencil that in for, like, two or three weeks from now.

[crashing]

That was the last symbol left of our oppressors!

[crowd cheering]

Finally, we can return to a world where we're all treated as equals.

Ignacio, Jorge, you guys are gonna take this stuff to the dump, okay? Gracias.

narrator: And finally, after years of fruitless efforts, the male and the female come together as one.

He puts on his favorite mood song.

The passion is intense.

Oh, yeah!

narrator: And when it is over...

Oh, Linda!

narrator: The male will check in with his mate.

That was amazing. Was it good for you?

narrator: And even though she is far from satisfied, the male will never know.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It was great.

Wow.

That's so noble and selfless of her.

Humans are magical creatures, sir.

I've always said that.

Yeah, I mean, they're a lot more dignified than I initially thought.

Ugh, man. Wish we could keep studying them.

But they know all about us now. We really goofed up this mission, didn't we, boys?

I have an idea for how to get things back to how they were.

But it's pretty lame.

Lemme guess, is it to erase their memories?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was thinking that too.

I hate to use this old device.

[reggae music]

[water bubbling]

[exhales]

[coughs]

Ohh, man. This is all I ever wanted.

I can't believe I got what I wanted.

This never happens to me. This literally...

[whooshing]

Ahh!

Well, here we are again, Jeff.

Sitting on the couch, getting high, listening to shitty reggae.

Don't you ever want more out of life, Jeff?

Don't you ever dream about doing big things?

Big things, huh? What kinda big things?

[speaking French] _

[whooshing]

Hey! [speaking French] _

Huh?

[speaking French] _

[speaking French] _

[crowd cheering]

Cut.