04x12 - Death And The Dog

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is about to begin his show and is sat at his control panel.
Roz is in her booth.

Frasier: Roz? None of these lights seem to be flashing.
Roz: Hey, what do you know, I got the same thing over here.
Frasier: Well, who's our first caller?
Roz: No-one.
Frasier: Well, how much time do we have?
Roz: None. [points]
Frasier: [on air:] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Well,
I have some good news for you. As today is the first sunny
day we've had in a few weeks, it seems that all our lines
are open. So please call in, no waiting. [nothing] Absolutely
no waiting! Oh come on, somebody's marriage must be on the
skids. Somebody's career must be going badly, [laughs]
other than mine! Hey, how about all you agoraphobics, I know
you're not outside! [notices light:] Oh, there's a call!
I'll take it, I'll take it. [presses button:] Hello, I'm
listening.
Alice: [v.o:] Hi Dr. Crane, my name is Alice and I'm usually a happy
person but today, well, I just started thinking about all
kinds of sad things. My job isn't that exciting, my kids
don't call me... pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.
Frasier: Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow I think I have
a story I can tell you that might be of some help. Do you
have some time?
Alice: Well, it's three 'o clock and I'm still in my bathrobe.
Frasier: Perfect! Well, it started three days ago. You see, my father
was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie. So, he had to
take him to the vet...

FLASHBACK TO:

Scene Two - Café Nervosa.
The story starts off as we see Eddie laying unhappily on the floor
next to a cup of milk. Daphne, Frasier, Roz and Martin are sat
around the table next to him.

Roz: So what's the doctor say?
Martin: He's stumped. I told him, he's not sleeping, he's not
eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.
Frasier: Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13-B.
Martin: He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically,
he thinks it might be an emotional problem.
Daphne: You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs. Do you
suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
Frasier: Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing we
could possibly do?"
Martin: Maybe Eddie's just lonely, you know, I was thinking maybe we
could get another, er...
Frasier: Stop right there, Dad! We're not getting another dog.
Martin: Oh, come on, what could be more fun than having a little
brother or sister around the house to play with?
Frasier: I fell for that trick once, Dad!
Martin: Well, I'm going to get this little guy home.
Daphne: All right, I'll see you at home. I'll pick up some beans
before I go.

Martin leaves with Eddie as Daphne goes to the counter to pick up her
beans. Roz notices a man.

Roz: Wow. There's a guy over there checking me out. He's coming
over here, get out. No, it's too late, just pretend you're
not with me.
Kagen: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Dr. Kagen.
Kagen: I hope I'm not interrupting you?
Frasier: Oh, not at all. I don't even know who she is.
Roz: Frasier! [to Kagen] Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.
Kagen: Dr. Stephen Kagen.
Frasier: Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into my building about three months ago -
from Chicago, I believe?
Kagen: Yes, that's right. I love what I've seen in Seattle but I'm
still finding my way around.
Frasier: Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.
Kagen: Really? Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you
could show me all the hotspots.
Frasier: [laughs] Oh, I think that can be arranged.
Roz: I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Here's my
card. [hands it over]
Kagen: Great. I'll give you a call. Nice meeting you, Roz. Dr.
Crane.
Frasier: Dr. Kagen.

Dr. Kagen leaves as Frasier and Roz chat.

Roz: [laughs] Thank you, Frasier! A gorgeous doctor, and I
didn't get you anything! [stares at him through window]
So, what kind of doctor is he?
Frasier: A gynecologist.
Roz: [snaps around] That's not funny!
Frasier: What's the matter?
Roz: He really is? Oh God, I can't go out with a gynecologist!
Do you know what they do all day?
Frasier: I have a general idea!
Daphne: [passes with beans] All right, I'll see you at home.
Roz: Hey, would you date a gynecologist?
Daphne: Oh God, no.
Roz: [to Frasier] See?
Daphne: I wouldn't even date a dentist. Hands in people's mouths
all day! And after watching Eddie's complete physical,
I'm not anxious to date a vet anytime soon!

As Daphne exits, we hear the sound of tapping on glass.

CUT TO:

Radio Station.
Frasier's story is interrupted by Roz banging on the control room
partition, holding up a card reading "WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER THIS?!"

Frasier: Oh, [chuckles] anyway, that's really more of a side trip.
Getting back to our story - by the time I got home that day,
alas, for Eddie was no better.

FLASHBACK TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Eddie is laid flat out on Martin's chair. Martin is on the floor
waving a cuddly carrot in Eddie's face.

Martin: Hey look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot! Oh, he'll give you good
eyesight, you'll have a lot of fun with this too!
Frasier: [enters and sees the scene:] Dad.
Martin: Yeah?
Frasier: What are you doing?
Martin: Oh, I ran out and bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie.
I thought it just might cheer him up, you know? Hey Eddie,
look at this. [shows him a cuddly hamburger:] Hamburger!
Juicy, meaty. I bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't ya'?
No? Well, then there's more for me. [pretending to be
hamburger:] I sure hope you don't take a bite out of me at
the side.

Eddie shows no reaction. Martin gives up.

Martin: Did you ever see anything sadder than this?
Frasier: No, I can't say that I have.

The doorbell sounds as Daphne enters.

Daphne: Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane. He said he was going to bring his
dog over.
Martin: Oh, not that four-legged Maris!
Frasier: Dad, please. Don't call it that in front of him. He has no
idea.
Martin: How could he not? It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris,
aside from the fact that it eats now and then they're dead
ringers!

Daphne opens the door to Niles and his Whippet, Girl.

Daphne: Hello.
Niles: Hello Daphne, hello all. I heard Eddie was down, and I
thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila!
Martin: I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I've already tried it in
the park with real dogs and it didn't work.
Niles: Well, you'll change your tune when you see my Girl turn on
her charm. [to Girl] Go to Eddie. Go to Eddie. [nothing]
Okay.

Niles picks her up and keeps pushing her into Eddie's face, chanting
"Do your stuff." Nothing happens, causing Frasier to laugh, Daphne
to roll her eyes and Martin to screw up his face.

Niles: That's it. [nothing] Oh, oh, I can see her magic working
already. Good girl.

She escapes and runs away down the corridor to Martin's room.

Niles: Come back, Girl. Come back here this instant! [nothing] Okay.
[prances after her]
Martin: Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.
Daphne: How would a nice old batch of Grammy Moon's sugar biscuits
sound?
Frasier: Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're
saying?
Martin: Hey, I read somewhere that dogs can understand up to four
hundred words. Now, a super-smart dog like Eddie probably
knows a thousand.
Frasier: Oh really, Dad!
Martin: Eddie understands a helluva lot more than you give him
credit for.
Daphne: Yes. Why, just yesterday I said, "Eddie, I've lost my keys"
[Eddie looks up] and he looked up at me...

EDDIE'S P.O.V.
We then see the world through Eddie's eyes. The picture is in black
and white. He hears Daphne sounding a high pitched "mini-mini",
Frasier sounding a low "yadda, yadda, yadda" and Martin a "Yaka, Yaka".
However, every time one of them says "Eddie" it comes through clearly.
Then back in normal vision:

Frasier: ...anything other than the simple fact of his name or a grunt!
Niles: [enters without the dog:] Well, crisis has passed. She just
needed a little rest. Fortunately I remembered to bring her
sleep mask.

Martin gives Frasier a look but Frasier calms him.

Martin: Worse, I'm afraid we're going to have bring in one of those
dog psychiatrists.
Frasier: Dad, you can't be serious?
Martin: Well, I'm desperate, we've tried everything else.
Niles: A dog psychiatrist?
Frasier: Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism!
Niles: You simply cannot apply the principals of human psychology
to animal behaviour.
Frasier: Precisely. Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human
beings can reason.
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: They can cogitate.
Niles: Yes. Therefore human beings, through analytical
psychotherapy, can...

MARTIN'S P.O.V.
Now we see the world through Martin's eyes. Similar to Eddie but in
colour: Niles and Frasier take nonsensical gibberish and all Martin
can process is the word "dad."

FADE TO:

Scene Four - Radio Station.
Frasier presses a button as we return to his radio show.

Frasier: Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial
break. We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues
today. In order to help her through it I am relating a story
from my own life. Any questions so far, Alice?
Alice: [v.o:] Well, I was wondering, what happened to Roz and the
gynecologist?

Roz gives Frasier a stare.

Roz: Well, since Frasier did tell the most embarrassing part of the
story, something kinda funny did happen...

CUT TO: Café Nervosa.
Stephen Kagen and Roz are on their coffee date at the front table.

Roz: [to Kagen:] Oh my God, you're kidding! You were at Camp
Lakebridge too. What years were you there?
Frasier: [v.o:] Roz!

CUT TO: Radio Station.
Frasier is interrupting the story.

Frasier: Roz, we are trying to help this woman. We don't have time
for your pointless tangents. [then:] Anyway, my father
finally got his way and made his appointment for the dog
psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire household be
present for the first session.

FLASHBACK TO:

Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Martin are on the set.

Martin: What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now!
Frasier: Perhaps he's being detained by his fear of fetching group.

Frasier and Niles laugh.

Martin: [waves cane:] All right now, you two cut it out!

The doorbell sounds and Martin answers it. Dr. Shaw is standing there
who is old, bald and thus the stereotypical "straight and strict" man.

Shaw: Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw.
Martin: Hi Doc, Marty Crane. Come on in, please. This is Daphne
Moon.
Daphne: Hello.
Martin: And my sons, Frasier and Niles. [they greet him] And this,
of course, is the patient.
Frasier: I don't suppose whether my father told you, but my brother
and I happen to be psychiatrists.
Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in the company of
colleagues.
Niles: I'm sorry, did you say "colleagues" or "Collies?"

Niles and Frasier laugh, no one else does.

Frasier: It's a joke.
Shaw: [simple:] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin? [to
Eddie:] Hello Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to
know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't
you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad too. We're going
to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
Frasier: Give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking
this seriously.
Frasier: I apologise, it all just seems a bit silly.
Shaw: Oh, really? Silly? I'll have you know I just attended the
funeral of one Buttons MacFahrlen whose owners felt the same
way.

Niles and Frasier begin laughing but Martin waves his stick at him
again. They apologise and the doctor carries on.

Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile
quiz-
Martin: Oooh!
Shaw: -I developed. My first questions are based on how you think
Eddie might behave if he were a human being.
Frasier: Oh, boy!
Daphne: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this is not a joke! This is very
serious.
Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he
serve?
Martin: I'd say meatloaf. But not the plain kind, but the one with
the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
Niles: It might be a bit under done though, he has trouble reaching
the knobs on the stove!
Daphne: [pause] Poached salmon. I don't know why!
Shaw: Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's
first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I hope: Give me a breath mint! [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Right, next one.
Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favourite
cologne?
Martin: Rock Revelver, it's a little strong but I think he can pull
it off.
Daphne: [pause] Grey Flannel. I don't know why!
Frasier: Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet
water!
Niles: By the way, same answer for favourite beverage!

Niles and Frasier laugh and do a little high-five motion dance.

Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry but I don't see the point. What is any of
this telling you about Eddie?
Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn
about all of you and might I say... [looks at the brothers]
mission accomplished! Well, perhaps now would be a good
time for me to examine Eddie one on one. Is there a room
I can use?
Martin: Oh yeah, my room, second on the right.
Shaw: Eddie, after you. This may take a while.

Eddie exits and the doctor follows. Then out of the blue:

Daphne: If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George.
I don't know why! [exits]
Frasier: And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why!

End Of Act One. (Time: 12:00)

Act Two.

HAPPY TALK


Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin are hanging around waiting for
Dr. Shaw and Eddie to come out of their session.

Frasier: Okay, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in
there for the past hour?
Martin: Well, he's probably just talking to him. Eddie happens to
be very complex and interesting.
Frasier: Oh yes, you must remind me to sit beside him at his next
dinner party.
Niles: Well, be prepared, he'll be up and down checking on that
meatloaf!

Dr. Shaw and Eddie enter the room. Eddie sits back, depressed, in
his same old spot on Martin's chair.

Shaw: Well, I have my diagnosis.
Frasier: Finally: the white smoke!
Shaw: Eddie is indeed depressed. Now if, as you say, there has
been no change in his routine, I can only surmise that he's
reacting to someone else's unhappiness. Is anyone of you
suffering from depression?
Frasier: Not me.
Daphne: Well, I'm not depressed.
Martin: Me, neither.
Niles: [grins] I'm cheer personified.
Shaw: Well, he's picking it up somewhere. To be on the safe side
you should all be conscious of how you behave when you're in
front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy, tones. [to
Eddie:] Goodbye, Eddie. Call me in a few days, let me know
how he's doing.
Martin: [happy tone:] Okay, thanks for everything, doc!
Shaw: Sorry to rush off, but I have a four ó clock appointment at
the zoo. There's a hyena there that won't even cr*ck a
smile. [then] See, I can joke too!

Dr. Shaw exits and enters the lift as Roz quickly runs in.

Roz: Hold it!
Frasier: Oh my God, Roz, what's happened?
Roz: I want to k*ll myself!

Martin quickly changes the tone.

Martin: [happily:] Hey Roz, not in front of Eddie!
Roz: What?
Daphne: [happily:] That gentleman that just left was a dog
psychiatrist.
Martin: [happily:] He said that it would be a good idea if we all
had a happy tone around Eddie.
Niles: [happily:] So please tell us, why do you want to k*ll
yourself?
Roz: [happily:] Well, I went out with Dr. Kagen and everything
was going so great that I almost forgot what he was.
Martin: [happily:] What is he?
Frasier: [happily:] A gynecologist.
Martin: [happily:] Oh, geez, I don't think I want to hear any more
about this.

Martin takes himself and Eddie out to his bedroom as everyone reverts
to their normal tones.

Frasier: All right, Roz, what happened?
Roz: Well, we went upstairs to his apartment and he poured a
glass of wine, and well... do you know what a speculum is?

CUT TO: Radio Station.
Frasier narrates the story.

Frasier: Apparently he was an avid collector of antique gynecological
equipment.

Roz enters his booth and pours water all over him.

Frasier: I just got the signal from Roz that we're running out of time.
So, I'll skip ahead in our story.

FLASHBACK TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles is playing the piano as Frasier pours himself a sherry. Daphne
is gazing out on the streets of Seattle. Roz is sat on the sofa and
Martin is fetching a can of beer.

Frasier: If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey!
Who here has any reason to be unhappy?
Daphne: Well, mind you I would never say this if it weren't for
Eddie's sake, [to Niles:] but comparatively speaking: Dr.
Crane, you have the most to be depressed about, what with
your separation from Mrs. Crane and all.
Niles: Wha..? I'm not unhappy. Besides, I don't even live here.
Daphne: Please, you're here more than I am.
Frasier: You know, I hate to say it, but dad, if anyone's giving off
unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.
Martin: Me?
Frasier: Yes.
Martin: You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year. Not to
mention two failed marriages.
Frasier: And yet you did. Well, maybe I am not entirely happy. Why
should I be? My son lives across the country, there's no
woman in my life. Maybe it is I that is making Eddie sad?
Daphne: Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame. If I give my
life the once-over I realise it's not all jam. I just lost
the only boyfriend I've had in years and the biggest thing
in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and
no-one's even mentioned it.

They all start to say how nice it is, but Daphne clears the comments
away with her hands.

Daphne: No, no.
Niles: Daphne, maybe you were right earlier. I'm not so happy.
Martin: Or maybe it's me. My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester
d*ed.
Roz: Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about?
I mean, I know it has nothing to do with Eddie, but maybe
Frasier picked up something from contact with me?
Niles: He wouldn't be the first one... [then:] Oh, I'm too depressed!
Frasier: How loosely woven is the fabric of our unhappiness... a tug
or two and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives
really are.
Niles: And then there are the empty nights... accompanied by thoughts
of loneliness and death.
Martin: You think about that too? I thought it was just me.
Frasier: Everybody thinks about it.
Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend
you're in the ground?
Frasier: No, that's just you.
Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my
beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset
that he has to drop out of college.
Daphne: You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing.
That one day I'd go off my rocker, take up a kitchen Kn*fe,
k*ll the entire household and then k*ll myself. Silly old
bag! She was right about my moving to Seattle, though.
Martin: Well, I don't know how I wanna go, but all those years around
the police morgue taught me a few things. First off, you
don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison. And if you're
going to k*ll yourself with an axe, get it right the first
time!
Frasier: Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it,
but nobody really knows how or when.
Roz: One second we're alive as anyone else, and then what?
Frasier: Darkness, nothingness, afterlife?
Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of
history. But then I think, what if it's like high school
and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out
with me. [carried away:] Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then
later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!
Martin: Well, I don't know about you but this is depressing the hell
out of me. Remember, my bell's coming up sooner than you
guys!

They all agree and Martin is a little unnerved.

Niles: No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up.
Roz: And it's never long enough. My great grandmother was 92
years old when she d*ed and the last words to me from her
deathbed were, "it's so short." Of course, it was the
seventies, she could have been talking about my skirt.
Frasier: "I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker."
Niles: T.S Eliot.
Frasier: Dead.
Niles: "Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death."
Frasier: Plato.
Niles: Even deader.
Frasier: You know, perhaps Doctor Shaw was right. Perhaps we are the
cause of Eddie's depression.

Frasier reaches behind him and pulls out one of Eddie's chew dolls he
was sitting on. He throws it on the floor.

Frasier: Simple beast! It is here beneath the masks of happiness we
all wear.

As Frasier continues Eddie picks up the chew doll in his mouth and
begins happily playing with it. They do not notice.

Frasier: The sea that lurks below affected by our sorrows. The once
care-free doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever.

Martin notices the scene.

Martin: Well, look at him, he's happy again. Could that have been
all it was, he was missing his favourite doll?
Frasier: I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all. He wasn't taking his
cue from us, was he?
Niles: Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie. I've never
been so depressed.
Roz: Tell me about it!
Daphne: Yeah, I wish I was a dog. All it takes is a little toy to
make him happy again.
Frasier: I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne. We
know for whom the bell tolls!

They is a pause before suddenly a bell is heard. Everyone tries to
process the sound.

Martin: [apprehensive] Anybody else hear that?
Daphne: Oh, the biscuits!
Frasier: Daphne, by "biscuits" do you mean cookies?
Daphne: Yeah, that's right!
Martin: Smells good.
Niles: Fresh from the oven...
Roz: All nice and warm...
Daphne: Yes, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping!
Frasier: Oh, and I believe there's ice cream too!

Everyone gleams with delight and skips off to the kitchen.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Three - Radio Station.
Frasier is finishing his story.

Frasier: So Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be
unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them.
Take a tip from our dog friends - treat yourself to your
favourite toy, whatever that might be.
Alice: I'll do that right now. Thank you, Dr. Crane, I really do
feel better.
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is
too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take
pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie!

He takes a cookie from a nearby bowl, and then presses a button to
sign off before biting into it. However, he screams and drops it to
the floor.

Frasier: Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Now I've got to go to the
dentist, he'll tell me I haven't flossed, my lips are going
to get all fat - oh, my life sucks!

He leaves with his briefcase.

End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:00)

Credits:

Café Nervosa.
A girl is sat talking to Dr. Kagen. He gets up to fetch her a drink.
Whilst he's away Roz taps her on her shoulder and explains the doctor's
little secret. The girl quickly gets up and leaves with Roz as Kagen
comes back to an empty seat.