05x01 - Frasier's Imaginary Friend

[bunniefuu]

[Act One]

STRANGERS ON A PLANE


[Scene One - Interior Of A Plane.
Frasier is sat with the woman from "Odd Man Out", Joanne]

Joanne: Well, I should warn you. If we hit turbulence, I may hold
on to you for dear life.
Frasier: I should warn you, I'm hoping for a bumpy ride!
Joanne: Why are you going to Acapulco?
Frasier: Actually, it's rather an amusing story. You see, I came down
to the airport on sort of a blind date with a cello player.
Of course, she didn't know it was a blind date, actually, it
was all in my head. [laughs] But, er, so I bumped into you
and you said you were going to Acapulco, I thought I might
tag along.
Joanne: So, the only reason you're on this plane is because of me?
Frasier: Call it Kismet.
Joanne: [to one of the cabin crew] Can I switch seats?
Crew: You're lucky, normally this flight is jammed.

[She goes to the back of the plane]

Frasier: See, Kismet!

[A woman sitting behind him, Felicity, peeks her head over and talks
to Frasier]

Felicity: I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I have to say, I'd be
flattered if someone got on a plane to be with me.
Frasier: Really?
Felicity: Yeah, I mean what can be more romantic than that?
Frasier: You know, it's a little awkward trying to talk like this.
Is that seat taken?
Felicity: No, come sit here, please.

[Frasier moves into the seat next to the woman]

Frasier: At last. I'm Frasier Crane.
Felicity: Felicity Stafford.
Frasier: It's a pleasure.
Felicity: And this is my husband, David.

[Frasier looks over at the man in the seat next to him ominously.
David looks displeased to say the least]

Frasier: Oh, darn! I forgot to order my kosher meal. So sorry. It
was lovely meeting you both.

[Frasier gets up and moves toward the front of the plane where a
member of the cabin crew directs him to another seat on an empty row.
He takes the window seat, thanking the stewardess. He picks up a copy
of the in-flight magazine as another woman, Kelly, is directed to a
seat on his row]

Kelly: Oh, thank God the flight's late, I was sure I'd missed it.
[sits, to stewardess:] Thank you.

[Frasier and Kelly nod at each other. Frasier keeps looking over at
her and seems to be comparing her to somebody in the magazine]

Kelly: [realises] Yes, it's me. Amazing what they can do with make-
up and lighting.
Frasier: Yes, it is amazing. [realises what he has said] Not that
they didn't have plenty to work with. [digging himself into
a hole] Oh, by plenty, I don't mean anything referring to...
well... [holds his breast] ...here, you just stay right
here, I'll change seats.
Kelly: No, no, wait. Your voice sounds really familiar.
Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio. [shakes hand]
Kelly: [shakes hand] Kelly Easterbrook, from the magazine. [laughs]
Frasier: [laughs] Well, I'm assuming that you're off to a photo sh**t
on the beaches of Mexico.
Kelly: No, actually, I only model part-time these days. I'm in a
PhD department with the University of Washington.
Frasier: What's your field?
Kelly: Zoology. That's why I'm going to Mexico, to observe the
spiny cald iguana.
Frasier: [amazed] A model and a scholar. This is the part where I
normally wake up.

[We then cut to Frasier waking up as if it was all a dream. However
the camera pulls back to show him in bed in Acapulco with Kelly
Easterbrook in his arms. He kisses her forehead and goes back to
sleep with pride]

[Scene Two - Acapulco Hotel Room.
Kelly and Frasier are waking up in each other's arms]

Frasier: I know what you're thinking.
Kelly: Hmmm?
Frasier: Last night, walking along the beach when we kicked off our
shoes and looked up at the amazing blanket of stars...
Kelly: Actually, I was remembering when that iguana ran across my
foot and you jumped into my arms.
Frasier: Yes, that too. You're really quite strong.
Kelly: I am a supermodel! So, Frasier, any chance you'd be
interested in seeing more of me?
Frasier: There's more?! [b*at] Of course, of course, I was hoping we
would.
Kelly: Well, that's great. Actually, there's one thing I should
mention. It's a little awkward.
Frasier: What is?
Kelly: Well, I'm in the process of breaking up with someone; he
plays for the Seahawks and we're always in the public eye,
these things have a way of getting out. I'd appreciate it if
just for now you didn't tell anyone about you and me.
Frasier: What happened between us will never leave this room.

[They kiss passionately]

Frasier: [as the kiss breaks] And if there's a God in heaven, neither
will we!

[They kiss again]

[Scene Three - Radio Station.
Bulldog is getting some food out of the machine as Roz comes to him]

Roz: Have you seen Frasier?
Bulldog: What, he's not back from the airport yet?
Roz: No. That's a lot of cheese and crackers, you're going to eat
all those?
Bulldog: Don't be stupid, I'm having people over tonight.

[Frasier appears looking decidedly refreshed]

Frasier: Morning, all.
Roz: There you are, I almost gave up on you.

[They enter the booth]

Roz: So, Mr. Impulsive, I got your message. How was Mexico?
Frasier: Fine, relaxing.
Roz: Oh, I'm sorry.
Frasier: Sorry?
Roz: Yeah, well, considering what a bump your sex life has been
lately, I know you were looking for a little of, well, you
know, action. You know, south of the border.
Frasier: Roz, just because the last time you went to Mexico you were
hit on more than a piñata, that doesn't mean that was the
purpose of my visit as well.
Roz: Oh, yeah, right, you wanted to hear that Acapulco
Philharmonic!

[Bulldog enters]

Bulldog: So, doc', did you get any?
Frasier: That is none of your business!
Bulldog: Ah, well, better luck next time.
Frasier: Did it ever occur to you that I'm merely being discreet?
That I actually did meet a woman, I just don't care to
broadcast it?
Bulldog: Sure, that'll happen!

[Bulldog and Roz share a laugh]

Frasier: Please! You know, frankly, I don't have time for this
nonsense. What I did or did not do on my vacation is none of
your concern. Don't you have better things to do than just
speculate about my sex life?
Bulldog: Oh, "Frasier Crane's sex life." Hey, there's a word for
that... it's an Oxy... Oxy... [thinks]
Roz: [completing] ...moron!
Bulldog: Hey, wow, easy, I'll get it.

[Roz pushes Bulldog out of the booth]

[Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is helping Martin with his exercises as Eddie watches]

Daphne: All right, now, flip over, ten kicks on each side.
Martin: Oh, Jeez, I hate this one. What does it do anyway?
Daphne: Nothing for you, but it does get a nice breeze going.

[The doorbell sounds and Daphne answers it to Niles]

Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Daphne.

[Niles looks on at Martin's strange position]

Niles: Hello, Eddie. Good boy, dad.
Martin: [gets up] That's it, I'm through.
Niles: So, where's Frasier?
Daphne: Oh, he got in a while ago but jumped right in the shower.
Niles: So we still have no idea why he went to Mexico?
Martin: Well, you heard the same message we did. He wanted to do
something spur of the moment, so he jumped on a plane.
Niles: That doesn't concern you? That's not exactly like him, to
board a plane without reservations and luggage... slumber
mask.
Martin: Oh, he probably just went down there to try to meet some
women.
Niles: I've seen this with my patients. They get so distressed over
a series of failures, especially romantic ones, that they act
out in bizarre ways.

[Frasier then enters from his shower wearing a bathrobe, a towel
around his head and nursing a cognac]

Frasier: Ah, is there anything more refreshing after a long flight
than a hot soak in eucalyptus sauce and a snifter of warmed
"Poir William"!

[Frasier exits to the kitchen]

Niles: Nothing yet, but keep your ears open.

[Frasier enters again]

Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, we're all awfully eager to hear about
your trip. Did you have a nice time?
Frasier: Oh, yes, lovely.
Martin: Did you meet any girls?
Frasier: Ah, well, you know me, dad, I'm not one to kiss and tell.
Martin: Struck out, huh? Well, it'll all turn around for ya'.
Frasier: Why does everyone assume that it's impossible for me to meet
a woman?
Martin: No need to get mad, I'm on your side, I just feel bad for
you.
Daphne: [compassionately] We all do.
Frasier: You know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity.
The fact is I did meet a woman down there, a perfectly
fabulous woman, we had an utterly romantic weekend.
Martin: Why didn't you just tell us that from the start?
Frasier: Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
Niles: Oh, yes, that pesky Club Med oath of silence!
Frasier: No! She asked me to be discreet. You see, she's a rather
famous supermodel and right now she's going through a break-
up with a star football player on the Seahawks. Didn't want
any publicity, so you see, before I identify her to you, I
have to ask you not to ever to repeat this to anyone.
Niles: I'd urge you to do the same.
Frasier: [angry] Her name is Kelly Easterbrook!
Daphne: Ah, the lotion girl! She has such milky skin.
Frasier: I thought so, yes. We were inseparable the entire weekend.
Daphne: You know, some people think I look like her.
Frasier: Oh, yes.

[Frasier makes doubting faces at Niles]

Frasier: I've got a picture of her, I'll be right back. [exits]
Niles: Well, it's one thing to concoct a little white lie, but to
come up with a supermodel?!
Martin: Who dumped an NFL player for Frasier! [laughs]
Daphne: I think you two are just being awful, I've never known Dr.
Crane to tell a lie.
Niles: Actually, this is not without precedent. When he was ten, he
forged letters from Leonard Bernstein and told everyone they
were pen pals.
Martin: Oh, yeah.
Niles: He'd come bounding up the stairs, "Got another one from
Lenny"! We were all agog until Mr. Bernstein wrote that
his Broadway debut was "Candide" when everyone knows that it
was "On The Town." That's when we knew it was a fake!
Martin: The sloppy kid lettering was also a clue!

[Frasier enters with a magazine cutting]

Frasier: Here she is. [hands it over]
Martin: Is this from a magazine?
Frasier: Yeah, yeah, she's in lots of magazines and billboards too.
And now she's my girlfriend.

[Takes picture back]

Frasier: Well, I'm off to bed. I didn't get much sleep over the
weekend, you know what I mean!

[Frasier exits to everyone's pretend cheers]

Daphne: He just snapped like a twig, didn't he!

SHADOW OF A DOUBT


[Scene Five - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is sat at a table on his own when his mobile rings. He
answers it]

Frasier: [into phone] Hello. Kelly. Hi, gee, I didn't know you were
back in town. Er, I'd love to. Right, well, I'll see you
there, in what, half an hour? Okay. Well, yeah, me too.
Bye.

[Frasier hangs up as Niles, Daphne and Martin enter]

Niles: Frasier, glad we caught you. We're off to the Buster
Keaton retrospective, care to join us?
Frasier: Actually, I'm dashing off to "L'Escalias" for a late lunch
with Kelly.
Niles: Oh, your supermodel.
Martin: You didn't mention anything about that when you left this
morning.
Frasier: She just called, she came up early from a modeling
assignment in Hawaii, I suspect to see you-know-who.
[laughs]

[Frasier uses his phone]

Frasier: [to phone] Yes, Dr. Crane. Listen, I need my usual table in
about twenty minutes. Oh yes, and chill your finest bottle
of Pouilly Fuissé. [hangs up] Well, modeling those
swimsuits, she works up quite a thirst!

[Frasier laughs as he exits]

Daphne: Poor sod.
Niles: Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
Martin: Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
Daphne: I wish there was something we could do.
Niles: There is. When he was in the phase of his Leonard Bernstein
obsession, we finally confronted him, and, as you may recall,
Dad, he was relieved that once and for all he could give up
the charade.
Martin: [corrects pronounciation] Char-ade.
Niles: [adamant] Cha-rade.
Martin: Well, I guess we could talk to him. But what are we going to
say?
Niles: It won't be easy. So, tell him that we know what's going on
and that he doesn't have to pretend anymore.
Daphne: All right, but situations like that make me uncomfortable.
Martin: Well, you know, there's always the outside chance that we'll
walk into that restaurant and some gorgeous supermodel will
be draped all over Frasier...

[They burst into laughter]

Daphne: We needed that.
Martin: Yeah, I thought we could do with a little tension breaker!

[End of Act One]

[Act Two]

THE LADY VANISHES


[Scene One - Restaurant.
Frasier is sat at the table as Kelly enters to greet him. The table
is set out with appetisers including caviar]

Kelly: Frasier.

[They greet each other and kiss]

Frasier: You look wonderful.
Kelly: Oh, thank you.
Frasier: Here, here, sit. I ordered some appertisers.
Kelly: Oh, this is so sweet, but I can't stay. My lab called and
there's been a small emergency.
Frasier: Is everything alright?
Kelly: Our incubator broke and my iguana eggs need to be moved to
another lab right away. I hope you understand.
Frasier: Well, of course I'm disappointed, but we'll do it again
sometime.
Kelly: I'll call you as soon as I'm done at the lab.
Frasier: Great, okay.

[Kelly goes up the stairs as the waiter enters]

Frasier: [calls] I'll keep my fingers crossed, here's hoping your
eggs are still fertile.

[Kelly exits]

Waiter: My wife had trouble conceiving too. It turned out to be me!
Frasier: Well, mystery solved, off you go.

[The waiter exits as Frasier eats his hors d'oeuvres. Daphne, Martin
and Niles enter and watch down on him from the balcony. As there are
two places set, it seems Frasier is entertaining an invisible woman]

Niles: Oh, that is so sad.
Daphne: I'll say, nobody's ever bought me caviar and I'm real! [off
Martin and Niles' glance] Maybe this is a family thing.

[Daphne exits as Niles and Martin approaches Frasier, they pull up
chairs and greet each other]

Frasier: Is something the matter?
Martin: Oh, we were just in the neighbourhood. Thought we'd stop by,
see if you've changed your mind about the movie.

[Martin takes a bit of caviar up to his mouth, but on smelling it,
throws it back down disgusted]

Frasier: You seem to be awfully persistent, but you know, I just may
join you. My date cancelled at the last moment.
Niles: Listen, Frasier. Whatever it is that makes you feel the
need to perpetuate this fantasy woman, you don't have to on
our account.
Frasier: Fantasy?!
Martin: We're your family. We don't care if you haven't been out
with anyone in quite a while.
Frasier: My God, you actually believe that I invented this
relationship!
Martin: Hey, Frasier, it's no crime to go down to Acapulco and come
back empty-handed.
Frasier: I did not come back empty-handed, I came back with two huge
handfuls! Kelly was just here. She was called away on an
emergency.
Niles: That would be a modeling emergency?
Frasier: No. She only models to raise money for her real interest:
zoology. She's a PhD candidate and she raises iguanas. [they
obviously don't buy this] The incubator broke and her eggs
were in danger, and it was vital that only she transfer them
over... Oh, the details are not important. The fact is that
I'm having a relationship with this woman!

[There is a pause whilst Martin and Niles try to take in this
information]

Martin: [puts a hand on Frasier's arm] We love you Frasier. Niles,
me, Daphne...
Niles: Leonard Bernstein.
Frasier: [angry] I knew one day you would throw that back in my
face!

[Frasier stands and leaves the restaurant]

[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Kelly is leaving a note on Frasier's door as the elevator doors open.
Frasier steps off]

Frasier: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hi.
Frasier: Hi.
Kelly: I was just leaving you a note. I'm really sorry about lunch.
Frasier: Oh, it's all right. Do you have time to come in?
Kelly: Sure. Good news is that I was able to move all of my eggs
over to another lab.
Frasier: [unlocks door] Well, I hope you didn't put them all in one
basket. [laughs]
Kelly: Why does everyone think that's funny?

[The two enter the apartment, she is taken aback]

Kelly: What a beautiful apartment.
Frasier: Thank you. Can I interest you in a glass of Beaujoulais
Nouveau?
Kelly: I'd love some.
Frasier: All right.

[Frasier goes to the wine shelf]

Kelly: I actually have something to toast. My doctorate advisor's
asked me to join his... [pauses as she notices Martin's
chair] ...team of researchers going to the Galapagos
Islands.
Frasier: [pouring wine] Well, that does deserve a toast.
Kelly: I'm replacing someone, so it's all very last minute. We
leave in the morning. I'll be there for two months,
inseminating indigenous iguanas. I've called all my friends,
they couldn't believe it.
Frasier: Nor will mine!

[They clink glasses and sip]

Frasier: [saddened] Two months?
Kelly: Hey, I feel terrible leaving town so early in our
relationship, but it's the opportunity of a life-time.
Frasier: Well, I'll be here when you return. We'll always have one
incredible night to look back on fondly.
Kelly: I think we'll be looking back on two incredible nights.
Frasier: No, I'm sorry darling, it's just one night; Saturday night,
then of course Sunday, you were...

[Kelly puts hers and his glasses down and gives him a raunchy look]

Frasier: [realises] Oh. Right, right.

[They kiss passionately]

PSYCHO


[Scene Three - Frasier's Bedroom.
That evening, Kelly and Frasier are asleep in each other's arms.
Frasier awakes and snuggles close to her. She seems dead to the
world. An expression of realisation then appears over Frasier's face
as he looks down at the elusive Kelly.

He slowly moves to the edge of the bed and slides off. Frasier then
tip-toes to his cabinet and slowly opens it, taking out a camera.
He is thrilled as he slowly sits back down on the bed. Then in one
go, he snuggles back up to Kelly as she sleeps like a log. He then
gets himself into a pose with the camera so that Daphne, Martin and
Niles would not have one doubt that Kelly was his girlfriend. He
pulls back the covers a little bit, showing the camera her nightie
and tries to take a picture. However, the camera seems to be faulty
as he presses it several times with no success. Frasier then takes
the camera in and begins to fiddle about with it. Suddenly it flashes.

Kelly sits up all of a sudden as Frasier hides the camera behind his pillow]

Kelly: What was that?!
Frasier: Nothing, nothing.
Kelly: I must have drifted off there.

[The camera begins rewinding]

Kelly: What's that noise?
Frasier: I don't hear anything?

[Kelly searches and finds the camera]

Kelly: You took a picture of me while I was asleep?!
Frasier: Absolutely not! This is... it's your going away present. Bon
Voyage.

[Frasier offers it to her but she refuses]

Kelly: You're disgusting!
Frasier: Oh, no, Kelly, Kelly, listen, please, you don't understand.

[Kelly starts throwing the pillows at him in anger]

Kelly: I don't believe this! Get out! [Frasier protests] Get out!
Frasier: [stops protesting] All right. [moves to door] You know, you
think being a professional model, you might be a little more
relaxed about somebody taking your...
Kelly: [screams] Get out!

[Frasier leaves his bedroom, putting on his dressing gown]

[Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is still in his dressing gown as Kelly enters in her clothes]

Frasier: Kelly, don't you think we should talk about this. I won't
see you again for two months!
Kelly: You won't see me again for a lot longer than that!
Frasier: Kelly!

[Frasier follows Kelly out into the hallway where she calls for the
lift]

Kelly: What? It wasn't enough just to tell people you bagged a
model. You had to take a picture!
Frasier: No!
Kelly: What were you planning to do with it, sell it to the
tabloids?
Frasier: No!
Kelly: Pass it around the office, show it to all your friends?
Frasier: No, no, just my immediate family!
Kelly: [impatient] I'm taking the stairs.
Frasier: Kelly!

[Kelly goes to the stairwell as Frasier runs off after her]

Frasier: [o.s] Kelly! [depressed] Kelly.

[Frasier enters back into the hallways as the elevator doors open.
Daphne, Martin and Niles go to him]

Frasier: Oh, you missed her again. She's running down the stairs, you
can catch her if you still want to.
Martin: [patronising] We believe you, Frasier, now let's just get
your robe all cinched up. [ties it up] And get you back
inside.
Frasier: Don't patronise me!

[They enter the apartment]

Frasier: Oh, look, look, TWO wine glasses!
Daphne: Oh, yes, one for you, one for her, that proves it all right!

[Daphne gives the others a panicked look which Frasier notices]

Frasier: [psychotic] I AM NOT CRAZY! [sits on the sofa in a rage]
I am dating a supermodel zoologist, who I stole away from a
professional football player, and she is off to the
Galapagos islands to artificially inseminate iguanas!
[breaking down] Is that so hard to believe?!

[Frasier collapses on the sofa as Kelly enters. Frasier jumps up]

Kelly: Frasier, I want to... [notices crowd] Oh! Well, good crowd!
Where were you all hiding, under the bed?! [begins to rip out
film from Frasier's camera] You know, it makes me sick to
think I'd even spent one night with you, let alone two! I
have known a lot of reptiles and looked under a lot of rocks
in my life, but I have never seen anything slither out quite as
slimy and repulsive as you!

[Kelly exits in anger. The rest just look at Frasier, startled.
Frasier takes back his calm and begins dusting down the pillows on
the sofa. After a pause for tension, he looks at the three in a
sophisticated, macho, "I was right, you were wrong" kind of way]

Frasier: Well, what do you think of me now?

[Frasier exits the scene having restored all dignity. But the
other three, if possible, look even more worried.]

[End of Act Two]

Credits:

[Frasier is in his bed dreaming. His eyes are flinching. The camera
pans out to reveal he's in bed with Eddie, who's snuggled up next to
him. Eddie begins licking his face and Frasier obviously thinks it's
a woman, similar to Martin's story earlier in the episode. Frasier
then awakes and realises who it is. At first, he tries to shoo Eddie,
however upon reflecting, he realises that Eddie is the only warm
thing left to cuddle up to. So, he takes the dog in his arms and
falls asleep]