06x06 - Secret Admirer

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa.
Fade in. Frasier is sitting at the window bench with Nancy, a former
coworker.

Frasier: I just had the most wonderful time today.
Nancy: Me too. It's funny that we worked together all that time
and we never dated before this.
Frasier: Well, anyway I...
Roz: Hey, Frasier! Nancy, hi!
Nancy: Hi!
Roz: So, are you back to work yet?
Nancy: Almost, I start at KNFS tomorrow.
Frasier: You know, Roz, Nancy and I are having coffee.
Roz: Oh, none for me, thanks. [to waitress] Listen, can I have a
fat-free muffin please? Nancy, I have been dying to call you.
My cousin just moved to town and I think he'd be perfect for
you!
Nancy: Actually, I just started seeing someone.
Roz: Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck. He is
so handsome and rugged and he loves the outdoors...
Frasier: Kindly leave him there. You see, the person that Nancy is
seeing is me.
Roz: Really? You two are dating?
Frasier: Even as we speak!
Roz: Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Well, good for you. I mean,
who needs Chuck when you've got... well, the anti-Chuck?
[She gets up] When my muffin gets here, could you send it
over?
Frasier: You won't even see it coming.
Roz: OK...

Roz retreats to another corner.

Frasier: Well, where were we?
Nancy: Well, I think you were about to ask me out again.
Frasier: My gosh, so I was. Well, let's just see how far this ESP
of yours goes: what night was I thinking of?
Nancy: Friday night.
Frasier: Astonishing! Busboy, clear these spoons before she starts
bending them.

Niles enters.

Niles: Frasier, I am so glad you're here.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: [spotting Nancy] Oh, sorry. Niles Crane.
Nancy: I think we've met. Nancy Cavanaugh, I used to work at KACL.
Niles: Oh, of course. Talking business?
Frasier: Uh, well, actually no...
Niles: [sitting down] Oh, good, I was afraid I was interrupting
something. Here, feast your eyes on this! [He hands Frasier
a document.]
Frasier: "Financial Settlement." Good lord, Niles, you and Maris
have come to terms?
Niles: What's that? I couldn't hear you over the angels singing.
Frasier: Well, congratulations! That is exciting. My, ah, brother's
been going through a rather rancorous divorce.
Nancy: You must be very relieved.
Niles: Oh, I'll say. It's cost me a fortune already. If she
dragged it out any longer, I'd be literally bankrupt.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you've got some celebrating to do, so off
you go.
Niles: I cannot wait until I'm done with this. I just have to
sign it and get her to do the same and then I can take my
seat aboard the freedom train.
Frasier: Well, all aboard!
Niles: Oh, it's a funny thing: one day you're starting a new
relationship, full of hope. The next you're sinking
helplessly into a sucking pit of despair that leaves you
filled with the bitter bile of regret.

b*at.

Niles: You're on a date, aren't you?
Frasier: It's hard to say at this point.
Niles: Oh, I am so sorry.
Nancy: [getting up] It's all right, I have to go, anyway. It was
nice seeing you again.
Niles: Yes, you too.

As they all rise, Frasier hits Niles on the arm.

Frasier: [hissing at Niles] What the hell is wrong with you?!

He sends him off. Then he helps Nancy with her coat.

Frasier: Well, here we are.
Nancy: So, are we still on for Friday night?
Frasier: Yes, of course we are. You know, I was wondering...maybe
we could just, uh...
Nancy: Have dinner at your place?
Frasier: Yes, that's amazing. You read my mind again.
Nancy: Well, I just thought it would be more comfortable. We could
curl up on the couch, make a nice fire...
Frasier: Can you guess what I'm thinking now?

She looks at him, then gasps and playfully slaps his face.

Frasier: Oh, you ARE good, aren't you?

Fade out.

LOVE ME TWO TIMES


Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Martin is in his chair, Daphne has a basket of laundry.
Niles and Frasier come in.

Martin: Hey, guys.
Frasier: Hey there.
Daphne: So, who won the squash game?
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, it's about
the thrill of the competition.
Martin: Congratulations, Niles.
Niles: Thanks, Dad. Pumped as I was, I don't think anybody could
have b*at me today, even an actual athlete.
Frasier: Sherry, Niles?
Niles: Yes, thank you. Maris and I have reached a financial
settlement.
Martin: Oh, ho! That's great!

He offers a high-five, Niles just takes his hand and shakes it.

Daphne: This is wonderful! Well, as wonderful as the tragic ripping
apart of two lovers once bound in a sacred union can be. Oh,
it's brilliant, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Thanks Daphne.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, as long as you're doing the laundry, let me
throw in my gym towel.
Daphne: All right.
Frasier: You know, if you've got a couple of extra minutes, I can
also give you these squash togs.
Daphne: Oh, let's save some of the fun for tomorrow.
Frasier: [pulling a box from his bag] What's this? Cartier! Niles,
did you put this in here?
Niles: No.
Frasier: My goodness, someone must have slipped this in my bag while
we were in the courts. That's odd, I don't remember anyone
touching our bags except the valet and Jaime, the squash
porter.
Martin: Boy, you guys work up quite a sweat down there, don't you?

Inside the box is a smaller one nestled in shredded paper.
Frasier opens it.

Frasier: Oh, my goodness, Niles, look at this. [He gasps.] Cufflinks!
They're beautiful. There's a card in here. "I still think
of you constantly. I was wrong to ever let you go. Do you
believe in second chances?" It's unsigned.
Martin: Wrong to let you go. It sounds like it's from someone who
dumped you.
Daphne: Well, that's no short list, is it now?
Martin: You know, maybe it's that Sonya woman he was goin' out with.
Daphne: Wasn't there a sister, too?
Martin: And a niece!
Niles: Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene.
Frasier: Yes, well, not to disrupt the think-t*nk, but there is an
easier way to find out. I'll just make a few well-placed
inquiries and see where I get a nibble. [He gets his address
book out of the desk.] Ah, yes, there's a group of people
that might regret leaving Club Frasier before last call.
Oh, yeah, Patricia and there's oh, Susan, yes. Tatiana,
oh boy...
Niles: Frasier, all during squash the only thing you talked about
was this wonderful new woman in your life, now you're just
going to drop her to chase after someone else?
Frasier: I'm not dropping Nancy! I'm just, uh, I'm uh...
Daphne: Weighing your options?
Frasier: Well, all right, so what if I am?!
Niles: I don't believe this!
Frasier: Niles, all of my life, I've dreamt of the day when I would
be pursued by more than one woman. What man hasn't? For
God's sake, do you blame me for enjoying it now that the
day is here?
Niles: Well, all of my life I have heard you whine about your dating
woes. Now you have a chance for something good with Nancy and
you're going to risk ruining it?
Frasier: Oh, you are just jealous, that's what you are.
Niles: I am not jealous. You're being foolish.
Frasier: Oh, come on. Nonsense.
Niles: Dad, what don't you agree with me?
Frasier: Oh, fine, let's just ask Dad. Dad what do you think?
Martin: [getting up] Noooo, no. Don't drag me into this. I learned
when you were kids to stay out of it whenever you two started
fighting. I'd just wait 'til the whole thing ended, usually
in tears, then I'd take you both out for ice cream. [to Daphne]
That was my job: ice cream man.

He heads for his room.

Daphne: I suppose fathers are the same everywhere. Mine couldn't
bear to see us fight. If there was so much as a peep out
of us, he'd be out the door to the pub. Stay for a few
hours, sometimes overnight. Then, when they brought him
back the next morning, we couldn't fight because of his
headaches. I suppose that was part of his plan to keep
harmony in the family. God bless him.

She heads out the door.

Niles: Oh, Daphne, wait up. I'll ride down with you. Frasier,
you have a chance for something real with Nancy. Only a
fool would throw that away chasing after some-
Daphne: It's here!
Niles: Oh, wait for me! -pie in the sky. [leaves]
Frasier: What an idiot. [He dials the phone.] Tatiana. Frasier Crane
here. Pick up if you're there. Well, I guess I've missed
you. Question is: have you missed me?

Fade out.

Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa.
Fade in. Roz is at a table, Frasier joins her.

Roz: Oh, hi Frasier.
Frasier: Hi, Roz. Why so glum?
Roz: Why else? The weekend's starting again and I don't have a
date.
Frasier: Oh.
Roz: Do you know how long it's been since... you know. I've
probably forgotten how.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I'm sure it will come back to you. It's just like
riding a bicyclist... bicycle.
Roz: Well, you're in the same boat, why don't you come over and
hang out with me and Alice tonight? I'll rent a movie and
we can order pizza...
Frasier: Gosh, I'd love to, but I've got a date tonight with Nancy.
Roz: That's still goin' on?
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact, we're going out tonight on our
THIRD date. You know the kind: it's like one of your
FIRST dates.
Roz: Oh, ha-ha. Well, I gotta go.
Frasier: All right.

A waitress comes to the table.

Waitress: You're Dr. Crane, right?
Frasier: Yes, I am. Can I help you?
Waitress: [putting down another gift box] A woman dropped this off
for you. [She goes back to work.]
Frasier: Oh, my gosh, it must be another gift from my secret admirer.
Roz: You've got a secret admirer?
Frasier: Yes, I do. In fact the other day, she sent me these cuff
links. At least, I think it's the same woman, unless a
third person has thrown her hat in the ring.
Roz: Oh, my God. You have two women?
Frasier: At least.
Roz: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Frasier: Why is that so hard to believe?
Roz: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's
possible.

She gets up to leave, and passes Niles and Martin on the way out.

Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey, guys.
Martin: Hey, Fras.
Niles: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Dad, Niles!
Niles: [as he and Martin sit] What is that? Oh, not another gift
from your mystery woman.

As before, the box is filled with shredded paper and a smaller box.

Frasier: [opening it] Yes, yes, indeed it is. Oh, my God. It's a
Patek Phillipe pocket watch!
Niles: That is stunning! I almost bought one like that on my
honeymoon, only Maris thought it was too impractical,
so we got that Glockenspiel instead.
Martin: So, who do you think this stuff is from?
Frasier: Gosh, I haven't smoked her out, yet, but she certainly has
exquisite taste. She doesn't have a bad eye for jewelry
either! [laughs]
Martin: He was like this last night. It was all I could do to keep
my beer down.
Frasier: [noticing a woman] Well, looky there. No, not yet.
That's Tina Dalton. We dated last summer. And now it
turns out she's in the cafe just as this little bauble
arrives...
Niles: Frasier, before you go over there...
Frasier: Niles, please, I have had enough of your finger wagging.
I am doing what any red-blooded American man would do. For
God's sake, there's nothing wrong with playing the field.
Niles: It looks like you've been eating the field. What did you
have for lunch?
Frasier: Pesto. Oh, my God! I better go freshen up.
Martin: [fussing with the shredded packing paper] Huh. Look at this
mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't
know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of
that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs
away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again,
and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched
him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained
he can be by somethin' so simple. [pause, then] Poppity-pop-
pop-pop! [laughs]

Niles just stares at him for a moment with a look that combines
familial concern with analytical fascination. Then he notices
something.

Niles: Oh, my...
Martin: What is it?
Niles: This card that came with the gift. Frasier must not have
noticed it. "Missing you every moment, my dear sweet
Niles." Do you realize what this means?
Martin: Well, yeah. You're the one with the secret admirer.
Niles: And a pretty nice watch, too! [He opens the case to look
at it.]
Martin: Well, I don't get this, how could this happen?
Niles: Well, the other gift was left in Frasier's squash bag,
which is exactly like mine. And, I guess today the
waitress must have mistaken Frasier for me. [excited]
You don't suppose it's Daphne?
Martin: Yeah, she took a second job washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's
hair just so she can give you Cartier. Besides, the note
said it's someone you've been with.
Niles: There's been so few women since Maris. So few women before
Maris. Hence there was Maris.
Martin: I'll bet it is Maris! You said yourself you saw that watch
on your honeymoon.
Niles: Oh, that's absurd. Dad, we're in the process of finalizing
our divorce.
Martin: [to the waitress] Excuse me, miss? Do you remember the woman
who brought this box in?
Waitress: Yeah, she was very well dressed and really, really thin.

Martin looks smug.

Niles: That could be a lot of people.
Waitress: Yeah, she just dropped off the gift then ordered a whole-
milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
Niles: [laughing with relief] Oh, thank God. That's not her.
Waitress: Yeah it was really weird, though. She just took a long
whiff of it and then just handed it back.

She laughs at this and walks away. Niles laughs too, but it soon
turns to sobbing. Fade out.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa.
Fade in. A few minutes later, Niles is on his cell phone.

Niles: Well, thank you Marta, you've been very helpful. [he
disconnects] Well, turns out Schenkman dropped Maris
and now she wants me back again.
Frasier: [coming back from Tina's table] Well, that was fun! Had a
little catching up to do, but it turns out she wasn't the
woman sending the gifts.
Martin: Yeah, we know, the gifts are from Maris.
Frasier: Maris? Is my secret admirer?
Niles: No, she sent them to me. Schenkman dumped her and, and she
wants me back.
Martin: How do you feel about this?
Frasier: Well, frankly, I feel a little injured. I thought I had a
secret admirer. Well, no matter, I do have a date with
Nancy, tonight. You know, it's our third date.
Martin: I was talking to Niles.
Frasier: Oh. Oh.
Niles: I guess I'll just have to go over and talk to Maris and set
her straight.
Frasier: Gee, Niles, I don't know if that's a very good idea.
Niles: [putting the watch back in the gift box] Well, I'm up to
my ears in debt. I need to sign this settlement and she'll
never do that if she thinks there's any hope of us getting
back together.
Frasier: Gosh, it just seems a little dangerous to me, confronting
her when she's so vulnerable. Don't you agree, Dad?
Martin: Don't ask me, I'm just the ice cream man.
Frasier: Well, thanks a lot. Listen, Niles, I think this whole pursuit
of you has been brought on by a panicked reaction to Schenkman
dumping her. You know, give her a few days, she'll probably
realize that herself. That's the time to approach her.
Niles: I can't wait any longer. Do you have any idea how insulting
it is that she thinks she can buy me back with these trinkets?
[rising] I am THIS close to being free from her financially
and emotionally! I'm going to settle this right now. [He
heads out.]
Frasier: Niles, I just think you should wait! [But he's gone] Well,
he certainly dashed out of here in a hurry. I suppose that's
a good thing.
Martin: Yeah, he's not gonna back down.
Frasier: That, and he forgot these cuff links. I've got a date
tonight!

Martin glares at him. Fade out.

THE EGO HAS LANDED


Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Frasier is getting ready, Daphne is dressed up.

Frasier: Oh, Daphne, thanks again for taking Dad to Niles's for me.
I'd do it myself, but since you're going out...
Daphne: I'm going to a party three floors down from here.
Frasier: Gosh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I didn't mean for you
to miss any of the fun. Dad! Shake a leg, Daphne's in a
hurry. You know, frankly I'm really glad he's going over
there. I have no idea what condition Niles'll be in after
he confronts Maris.
Daphne: Yeah, it's a shame about Dr. and Mrs. Crane. Seems so
difficult these days to make something last. To find
someone to grow old with and share all of life's little
details. I only hope someday I find that kind of intimacy.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sure you will.
Martin: [coming from his room] Daphne, where the hell is my scarf?
Daphne: In your sleeve, like it always is. Now come on, we've got
to get going, there's construction by the waterfront.
Martin: Oh, we're not goin' that way. We're takin' my shortcut.
Daphne: I know your shortcuts and the waterfront's faster.
Martin: Now don't start with me.
Daphne: Don't YOU start with me or I'll leave you here.

Daphne opens the door, Nancy is standing there.

Martin: Oh, hi, how ya doin'? Come on in. [Nancy enters.] And
we're turnin' on my radio station in the car.
Daphne: Fine, it's better than listening to you talk.

Martin and Daphne leave.

Nancy: Is this a bad time?
Frasier: No, that's a bad time. Hi.
Nancy: Hi.
Frasier: You look sensational.
Nancy: Thank you, so do you.
Frasier: Oh, thank you very much. Can I interest you in a glass of
wine?
Nancy: Perfect.
Frasier: Lovely.
Nancy: I've been here before, you know. Two years ago, for your
Christmas party?
Frasier: Really?
Nancy: I don't remember this chair.
Frasier: Normally there's something draped over it: my father.
Nancy: Oh, there's a message on your machine.
Frasier: Must have come in while I was cooking dinner.
Nancy: I only mentioned it because I gave my secretary your number
so she can call me about tomorrow morning's conference, in
case, you know, I don't find my way home tonight.
Frasier: Oh, you just reverse the directions I gave you earlier...
ohhhh. Feel free to check the machine if you like, I'll just
go stir the risotto.

Frasier heads to the kitchen, Nancy hits the play button.

Cheryl: [voice over from the machine] Frasier, this is Cheryl
returning your call, and no-

Cut to Frasier in the kitchen with panic on his face. He rushes back
to the living room and we cut to follow him

Cheryl: I didn't send you anything. I thought I told you when we
broke up: It's over.
Frasier: Boy, is that old message still on there? Cheryl and I
broke up so long ago, I can't even remember when.
Machine: Friday, six fifty-one PM.
Frasier: I know it was a Friday.
Nancy: Oh, well, we all have exes. As long as it's over. It is
over, right?
Frasier: Oh, God, yes, it certainly is over. Oh Nancy, please here,
come sit with me. [They sit on the couch.] Listen, I want
to tell you I'm not interested in anyone but you. [The
phone rings.] You know, perhaps I'd better get that, it
could be your secretary.
Nancy: Oh, let the machine get it. [They kiss.]
Denise: [v.o. from machine] Frasier, it's Denise. I don't know
how you got my number, but I am NOT interested in dating
you again.

Frasier rushes to the phone and picked it up.

Frasier: Denise! Ha, ha, you prankster. No. No, no, I won't.
No, absolutely not. I promise, never again. [hangs up]
Well, how about that dinner, now?
Nancy: I don't believe this. You have been calling other women
for dates! How could you lie to me?
Frasier: I haven't lied to you. Why would I lie to you? I have
nothing to hide. [The phone rings and Frasier pushes her
aside to get it.] Let me get that! Hello? Yes? Oh, yes,
just a moment. It's your secretary.
Nancy: Hi, Gwen. Call me in the car in five minutes. I'm going
home.

She puts the phone down, and grabs her coat and purse. She leaves
as Frasier follows.

Frasier: No! No, Nancy, Nancy, please, please don't be hasty. I
realize I've done something rather foolish. Look, let me
explain.

Cut to the hallway as they come out the door.

Frasier: Nancy, the truth is, I did call some other women. I guess
I was feeling insecure, a little nervous about getting
close to you. I don't blame you for getting angry and I
wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave. It's just that
I, I think we really have something here.
Nancy: Well, I thought we had something, too.
Frasier: I made a mistake. I... give me another chance?
Nancy: Well, that risotto did smell good.
Frasier: OK.

He ushers her back in and follows. Before he gets all the way in,
the elevator opens.

Madeline: Frasier!
Frasier: Oh, Madeline.
Madeline: I got that note you left under my door.
Frasier: I am so sorry about that...
Madeline: I was so happy to hear from you.
Frasier: [pulling the door shut behind him] Really?
Madeline: I was just thinking about you the other day. You know,
I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other.

The door opens and Nancy steps out.

Nancy: What is going... This again? This date is over.
Madeline: Wait a minute. You slipped a note under my door and you
were on a date with her?
Frasier: Well, you heard her. Technically, this date is over.
Nancy: Don't ever call me again. [steps onto the elevator]
Madeline: Or me, you freak!
Frasier: Nancy, Madeline, please give me a second chance - either
one of you!

[N.B. Brilliant tactical thinking on Frasier's part - the sort of thing
that makes a woman feel REALLY special � Mike Lee]

The elevator closes on his plea and he stands alone in the hall.
Fade out.

Scene 3 - Niles's Apartment at the Montana.
Fade in. Niles is setting the table, nodding as Martin talks.

Martin: So then Daphne takes a left on Madison. Bumper to bumper all
the way to Pike. Then a right on Pike. And what do you know?
King Dome traffic! So I say...
Niles: Dear God, this is taking forever!
Martin: Exactly! So, here we are on Fifth...

The doorbell rings.

Niles: Wait, wait, don't go away! I'm coming. [opens door]
Oh, Frasier.
Frasier: I have just had one of the worst experiences of my life.
Martin: You took Madison, didn't you? You're as bad as Daphne.
Now what you should have done...
Niles: Oh, let it go! Please come in. How was your date?
Frasier: Well, Nancy discovered that I had been pursuing other women.
Niles: How did she find that out?
Frasier: It wasn't hard. You see, I pursued one during the date.

Frasier sits on the couch, Martin sits in a chair.

Niles: Well, I'm sorry.
Martin: Yeah, so am I, Fras.
Frasier: Well, thanks, guys. I just, I should have listened to your
advice, Niles. How did things go with Maris?
Niles: I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was
no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact,
she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank
stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.

Niles gives him a look. The doorbell rings and he turns to get it.

Frasier: You know, maybe she'll come around. You've given her a lot
to digest.

Niles opens the door. There is a box sitting there.

Niles: Oh, no.
Frasier: What is it? Oh, dear God.
Niles: I don't believe it! I thought I made myself perfectly clear.
What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get
hoarse.

Niles opens the box and pulls the shredded paper aside. There is a
small ring box which he opens. The only thing inside is a coin. He
picks up the card.

Niles: "Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through
with you... all you'll have left is this nickel."
Martin: Oh, no.
Niles: Oh, God... she's going to ruin me.
Frasier: No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's
signed the financial settlement...
Niles: [picking up the paper] She's not bluffing. This IS the
financial settlement. Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there?
Why didn't I listen to you?

He falls against the arm of the couch.

Frasier: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had I'd be sitting with
Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.

He falls against the opposite arm.

Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal.
Frasier: And I WON'T be.

Martin gets up and walks behind the couch.

Martin: All right, now. Enough of these long faces. Who wants ice
cream?

The brothers lift their heads and look at each other. Then, they
rise and walk out the door, followed by Martin.

Credits:

The three come into Niles's apartment, eating their ice cream cones.
They sit down on the couch, then Niles's ice cream falls off his cone.
His face breaks and he begins to weep against the arm of the couch.
Martin motions to Frasier to give his ice cream to his brother, but
Frasier refuses and motions for Martin to give up his and they fight
over it.