06x10 - Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Department Store.
Roz and Frasier are walking through the store. Frasier is carrying a
bag with a Menorah in it for Frederick.

Roz: I thought your father was in charge of Christmas decorations.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, not this year. We're doing it my way. That's why
I'm ordering a tasteful tree here. They'll even deliver it on
Christmas Eve, fully decorated.
Roz: [sarcastic] Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie.
Frasier: Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending
his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz: He's spending Christmas with dried-up old bones?
Frasier: [laughs] I thought I told you, she's taking him on an
archaeological tour. [laughs with Roz] Oh good lord,
look how late it's gotten!
Roz: Well, don't blame me, you're the one who spent twenty minutes
looking for that candleholder thing.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, it's a Menorah, Roz. I thought I'd get one for
Frederick for Hanukah.
Roz: Oh, that's right, I completely forgot Frederick is half-Jewish.
Frasier: Yes, between the Crane boy genes and Lilith's contribution,
I'm not sure the NFL is holding its breath.
Roz: I need to go over to "Notions" and try to find something for
Calvin, the security guard.
Frasier: Oh, what are you getting him?
Roz: If I knew I wouldn't be going to "Notions."

Roz leaves to the "Notions" part of the store. Frasier goes to the
clothes department and asks the assistant (Sal):

Frasier: Excuse me, I'd like to get a gift for that woman I was with.
Er, how about this sweater right here?
Sal: Excellent choice.
Frasier: I'm not sure of the size, though, could you find me this in a
medium? Thank you.

Sal ducks under the counter for the sweater. Roz comes back.

Roz: It's a madhouse in there!
Frasier: [worried] Roz!
Roz: People pushing and shoving for nose-hair clippers. Is there a
nasal hair epidemic I don't know about?
Sal: [rising] Here's your sweater.
Roz: Is he talking to you?
Frasier: [covering] No! No, no, he's talking...

A woman, of about fifty, in a red dress - Mrs. Helen Moskowitz -
comes to his rescue.

Helen: He's talking to me! It's for my niece. But I'm a bit worried
about the size. [to Roz] You know, she's just about your
height. Do you mind my asking, would this fit you?
Roz: Mmm, that's a little big for me.
Helen: What about the color? A little blah?
Roz: Personally, I like the blue.
Helen: I agree, thank you so much. [to Sal] I will take a smaller
size in the blue, and please gift-wrap it.
Sal: Coming right up.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, it looks like "Notions" has thinned out.
Roz: Oh good, so you think Calvin will like the nose hair clippers?
Frasier: Well, I think we can be sure he doesn't own a pair!

Roz exits to "Notions" again. Frasier turns to Helen.

Frasier: Gosh, thank you so much for bailing me out that way.
Helen: My pleasure. [shakes his hand] Helen.
Frasier: Helen, Frasier.
Helen: Not Frasier Crane, from the radio show?
Frasier: Yes.
Helen: Oh, ha-ho, I listen to you every time I come to Seattle to
visit my daughter, Faye.
Frasier: Well, that's very kind.
Helen: You know, you really should know your wife's size.
Frasier: Oh, she's not my wife.
Helen: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry.
Frasier: It's all right.
Helen: Girlfriend?
Frasier: No, I don't have a girlfriend, actually. I'm unattached.
Helen: Oh. Well, I've taken enough of your time. Although, there
is one small thing you could help me with. I'm looking for
something for my daughter.
Frasier: Oh, what is it?
Helen: Nah, no, I really shouldn't ask.
Frasier: No, no, please.
Helen: No, no, it's too much of an imposition.
Frasier: No, no. After the way you came to my rescue, I would be
delighted to help you in any way I can. What is it you're
looking to get for your daughter?
Helen: A date with a nice, unattached doctor.
Frasier: Well, I certainly walked into that one, didn't I?
Helen: It wasn't my first time!

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Café Nervosa.
Frasier and Niles are standing in the Cafe as Frasier waits for his date.

Frasier: All right, now as soon as this woman gets here give me five
minutes and then call me on my cell phone. If I am miserable
I will simply say it's an emergency and excuse myself.
Niles: Ah, yes, the ever-valuable escape call.
Frasier: Oh, you've done them?
Niles: Oh... [laughs as if he's remembering the time, then stops]
No, but I've seen them done.

Niles takes a position at the window seat as Faye - a beautiful woman
with waves of black hair and an intelligent, forthright manner -
enters.

[N.B. For my money, Amy Brenneman is the most attractive woman Frasier
has dated before or since in the whole series - Mike Lee :-) ]

Faye: Excuse me, are you Frasier?
Frasier: [delighted] Faye? [she nods] Yes, hello! [rises and shakes her
hand] How did you know it was me?
Faye: You had that horror-stricken look of someone who's met my
mother.
Frasier: Oh, no, [points to seat] please, please, shall we?
Faye: Oh, no, that's very sweet of you but you don't have to go
through with this. I really just came to apologize.
Frasier: No, please, please, why don't you sit down?

Faye does. Meanwhile, Daphne enters and spots Niles.

Daphne: Hey, Dr. Crane. Are you here with your brother?
Niles: [points to Frasier] No, actually he's on a blind date.
Daphne: Oh, he is, isn't he!

She sits with him. Niles begins to act nervous around Daphne.
He begins fidgeting.

Daphne: Oh, look at him. I think he really fancies her. You know,
it's always so obvious when a man likes a woman.

Niles begins awkward body language.

Daphne: You can just tell by his awkward body language.

Niles begins shifting in his chair.

Daphne: Shifting in his chair, he doesn't know quite what to do with
his hands.

Niles realizes his hands are all over the place.

Daphne: He's as nervous as a hen. [shouts] Oh for God's sake, stop
fidgeting!

Niles, thinking she's talking to him, stops moving. Then he realizes
she was talking about Frasier. Meanwhile, Frasier and Faye...

Frasier: So, your mother tells me that you're a lawyer.
Faye: Well, that's typical. I was a lawyer and I quit two years
ago, and now I'm a pastry chef.
Frasier: Really?
Faye: Yes. I work in a little French restaurant in town. Maybe
you've heard of it? Le Cigaré Volant.
Frasier: My God, it's one of my favorites! I had dinner there last
Friday night.

They get excited.

Faye: I worked there last Friday night, what did you have?
Frasier: The Grand Marquis Soufflé.
Faye: I made that.
Frasier: Oh, it was poetry on a plate.
Faye: Thank you. [then] You didn't happen to find my earring in it,
did you? [Frasier gives her a look] I'm kidding!
Frasier: Oh, [laughs] you know, suddenly I'm glad that your mother is
as pushy as she is. It's funny, though, you're nothing like
her.
Faye: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [laughs]

Meanwhile, Daphne gives Niles a proposal:

Daphne: Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the
next ten nights, because my...
Niles: [quickly] Yes. [Daphne gives him a look] Excuse me, finish
the question.
Daphne: Well, my neighborhood theatre group is putting on a holiday
revue; in fact, we're performing in the common room of Dr.
Crane's building.
Niles: Right downstairs?
Daphne: Yeah, but we're still looking for a musical director. I would
never ask you but they've put me in charge of the whole thing.
Niles: Oh, well count me in. Is the show more religious in tone or
secular?
Daphne: [gets out her notes] Well, we couldn't quite agree. So we
ended up with a mixed bag. Er, we open with the "no room at
the inn" scene, then it's a rousing version of "Jingle Bell
Rock," a brief medley from "Jesus Christ Superstar." And
the first act ends with Santa's elves and the three wise men
all linking arms and singing "Frosty the Snowman."
Niles: Well... [gropes for a response] Excuse me, I have to make a
phone call.

Back to Frasier and Faye. Frasier is talking of his history.

Frasier: Of course I love Boston but well, there's no place like home.

Frasier's mobile rings.

Frasier: Excuse me. [into phone] Yes, hello? Uh, yes but you know
what, I'll just have to sign those papers later, thank you.
[hangs up] Office work.
Faye: That was an escape call, wasn't it?
Frasier: No! What are you talking about?
Faye: Come on, it's a blind date. You wanted a way to back out.
Frasier: Oh, gosh, you are sharp, aren't you? How did you know?

Faye's mobile starts ringing. She gives a look as we FADE OUT.

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles is hanging up a stylish wreath in the apartment. Frasier is on
the phone to Faye.

Frasier: [to phone] Well, that would be just lovely. All right,
I'll see you soon. [hangs up] Well, isn't that nice?
Faye's dropping by.
Niles: Oh, you've been seeing a lot of her lately, haven't you?
Frasier: Yes, I have. You know, she really is quite wonderful.
Niles: Well, I thought she was off to Florida with her mother.
Frasier: Yes, she is. They're both popping by on the way to the
airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more
frequent Frasier miles. [laughs]
Niles: [chucks him on the shoulder, then] You don't ever actually
say those things to the woman, do you?
Frasier: Oh, no, no.

Daphne enters with costumes on her arm.

Daphne: Oh good, Dr. Crane, you're here.
Niles: Yes, the show starts in half an hour.
Daphne: Yeah, could you give me a hand? I still have to sew the
chains to Jacob Marley's tux for the dance number.
Niles: Oh, yeah, happy to.
Frasier: Jacob Marley? They're doing "A Christmas Carol" too?
Niles: No, they're not. They worked him into the nativity scene.

Niles exits after Daphne. Martin then enters from his room with
"Rudolph" - a big garish wreath with Rudolph popping out of it.
His nose looks as if it can glow if plugged in.

Martin: Hey Fras', where's a good spot for Rudolph this year?
Frasier: Dad! Please, I thought we had an agreement about the
decorations.
Martin: I know, but what's Christmas without Rudolph?
Frasier: He is not even one of the original reindeer!
Martin: Well, do the others have a song?
Frasier: Look, I'm not having this discussion again!
Martin: It's because you know I'm right. Well, forget it, I wouldn't
want to ruin your designer Christmas!

Martin exits to his room as the doorbell sounds. Frasier answers
it to Faye.

Frasier: Oh, Faye. [hugs her] Hi, good to see you. Here, let me take
your coat. [does] Where's Helen?
Faye: Er, she's talking to your doorman. She's trying to fix him up
with my cousin Janet and I couldn't bear to watch.
Frasier: [re: door] We'll just leave that ajar for her then.

Faye notices the wreath.

Faye: Oh my gosh.
Frasier: What?
Faye: You have a wreath.
Frasier: Yes, so?
Faye: Aren't you Jewish?
Frasier: No, no, why do you ask?
Faye: The day we met my mother saw you shopping for a Menorah.
Frasier: Yes, for my son. My ex-wife is Jewish.
Faye: Oh, God...
Frasier: Is there a problem?
Faye: Uh, for me, no, but my mother is another story, and here I was
wondering what we'd talk about on the seven hour flight to
Miami.
Frasier: You know what, I can just take this down.
Faye: Uh, no, no, no, no, I have to stop being a child about these
things. If she's upset, she's upset.
Frasier: How many stopovers do you have?
Faye: Two.
Frasier: I'll take it down.
Faye: Thank you.

Frasier takes the wreath down.

Faye: I really appreciate you doing this.
Frasier: Oh, it's no problem.
Faye: I can't believe I'm actually asking you to pretend you to be
Jewish on Christmas Eve.
Frasier: It's all right, really, it probably won't even come up.

There is a knock at the door and Helen enters.

Frasier: Hello, there she is!
Helen: Hello, Frasier!
Frasier: Helen, hi.
Helen: Oh, what a beautiful apartment you have.
Frasier: Thank you very much.

Eddie then jumps up onto the sofa. He is dressed in a Father Christmas
outfit. Helen's back is turned to him. Faye looks alarmed.

Frasier: GET OUT!

Eddie runs out.

Helen: What?
Frasier: [covering] -of that coat already! [takes it off her]

End Of Act One.

Act Two.

OY TO THE WORLD


Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Helen, Faye and Frasier are sitting in the apartment and discussing.

Helen: So, Frasier, you grew up in Seattle?
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
Helen: [looks at view] Such a pretty city.
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Helen: I guess you were bar mitzvahed here?
Frasier: Oh yes, yes of course. What a proud day that was. I can
still remember reading from the Torah before the... the
Rabbi... [struggling] and the Cantor... and the Mohel.
Helen: The Mohel?
Frasier: Yes.
Faye: [helping him] The one who did your circumcision?
Frasier: Yes, yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard
feelings. [notices Niles entering] Niles!
Niles: Hello all, you must be Faye. [shakes hand]
Helen: [shakes his hand] And I'm her mother, Helen Moskowitz.
Niles: And I'm Frasier's brother, Niles. [notices the wreath is gone]
Oh, what happened to the...
Frasier: [interrupting] The Moskowitz family that lived down the hall?
They moved! You know, Niles, why don't you come and help me
in the kitchen? I'm just about to pour everybody a drink.

The camera resets to the kitchen as they both enter.

Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
Niles: [used to the farce scenario] Okay. [pause] Why?
Frasier: Well, it's important to Faye, Faye is important to me.
Do you think you can pull it off?
Niles: No problem. [checks oven] Ooh, ham!
Frasier: Niles! Please. We've got to find a time to tell Dad about
this too.
Niles: You mean Papa.
Frasier: Stop it!

Frasier pours the wine.

Niles: Wait, Frasier, is that for Helen?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: What if she's expecting Jewish wine?
Frasier: Gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any of that on hand.
Niles: It's all right, it's easy enough. It's just like regular
wine plus a little bit of this...

Niles takes some sugar and puts two teaspoons into the glass.

Niles: Try that.
Frasier: [he does] It's dreadful!
Niles: Perfect.

Niles and Frasier enter the room with the wine.

Frasier: Here we are. [hands out wine]
Helen: Thank you. Who has a nice toast? Niles?
Niles: Ooh, all right. L'chaim! Mazel tov! Next year in
Jerusalem!
Frasier: Take it down a notch, Tevye.

Martin enters.

Martin: Hey Fras', you know, since it's the night before...

Frasier/Niles: Dad!

Martin notices guests.

Martin: Oh, great, would it be a crime for somebody to tell me we had
guests here? [to the women] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. I'm Frasier's
dad. Although you'd never guess it from the way I'm treated
like a second-class citizen around here. [sarcastic] But as
long as Frasier's happy, why should my feelings matter?

Martin exits to the kitchen.

Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
Niles: Oh all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly
I don't need that tsuris. [gives a "how's that?" smile]
Frasier: Niles!

With his back turned to Faye & Helen, Frasier mouths, "HALF THAT!"
Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier gives the women a wry smile.

[N.B. Yiddish: "complain" and "agonies."]

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Martin complains to Niles.

Martin: I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin: Like what?
Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
Martin: Can't you give me an example?
Niles: What, I should give you an example?
Martin: Are you going to help me or not?
Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin: Oh, forget it!

Martin and Niles enter the living room.

Helen: So, Marty, both your sons are doctors. How'd you work that
out?
Martin: I've no idea. [then] Do I?

Everyone looks at each other. Daphne enters with costumes.
Helen begins to dial on her mobile.

Daphne: Well, I just got the phone call every producer dreads.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: Someone's dropping out of the show.

She goes to the door, then stops and turns around.

Daphne: You don't suppose you could take over one of the roles?
Niles: Well, I don't see why not, I know all the songs.
Daphne: Wonderful.
Niles: [to ladies] Well, it was nice meeting you both.
Faye: Likewise. We're leaving too. Could you send the elevator
back up, we'll be right down.
Niles: Happy to. So, who dropped out?
Daphne: Mr. Blanchard.
Niles: Oy!

Daphne and Niles exit the apartment.

Frasier: Well, you know, it's been great spending some time with the
two of you, I wish you could stay longer.
Helen: [puts mobile down] Well, actually we can. I just called
the airline. The plane is delayed an hour.
Frasier: Well, isn't that good news?
Helen: You know, I hate to be forward but I'd love to taste
whatever smells so wonderful in that kitchen.
Frasier: And I would love to give you a taste, except it isn't done yet.

The cooker beeps done.

Frasier: Well, more good news!

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Faye and Frasier are in the kitchen talking about the farce.

Frasier: I don't know how much longer we can continue this charade.
My God, when Dad started talking about working on his own
car I thought we were goners!
Faye: Well, we only have to keep it up for another half an hour...
actually I think I have an idea.
Frasier: Really?
Faye: Go out there.
Frasier: Okay.

Frasier exits and the camera resets to the living room.
Faye and Martin are waiting.

Frasier: Well, I don't know what it is with that brisket, it just
won't cook through.
Helen: I could take a look.
Faye: [enters] No, no, we don't have the time. I just got off the
phone with the airlines, they pushed the flights back up so
we really have to get going.
Helen: Oh, really? Well, all right.
Frasier: Gosh, I wish you could stay longer, it's just I'd hate to
have you late for your plane.

Frasier opens the door for them to go - however the man from the
department store is there with the Christmas tree.

Deliverer: Hello, sir-

Frasier quickly shuts the door.

Frasier: On the other hand, I can't leave until you've seen the
apartment, all right?
Faye: What?
Frasier: Let's start with the bedroom. There's plenty of time.

There's a knock at the door.

Frasier: Oh, Dad, could you see who it is and make sure they come
back later?
Martin: Whatever you want, Frasier, as usual.

Frasier, Faye and Helen go to Frasier's room. Martin answers the door
to the deliverer.

Deliverer: Hello sir, and let me wish you a merry...
Martin: Shush, shush, bring that thing back in about an hour.
Deliverer: No way sir, it's Christmas Eve, I've got a full truck
downstairs. So where do you want it?
Martin: Oh Jeez, I don't know.
Deliverer: You know, a lot of people put them in their living room.
Martin: [opens powder room] Here, here put it in the bathroom.
Deliverer: The bathroom?
Martin: Just put it in, all right?
Deliverer: Okay, I've done some crazy things...

Martin, the deliverer and the tree are taken into the powder room and
they shut the door behind them.

Then the front door opens. It is Niles dressed in his Jesus costume.
Niles has a cold and is searching for his nasal spray. He goes into
the kitchen. Martin then looks out of the powder room.

Martin: All right, come on, quick.
Deliverer: Okay. Well, have a, you know-
Martin: Shut up, get out.

Martin pushes him out of the apartment before shutting the powder room
door, leaving the tree in there.

Then, the Moskowitzes and Frasier enter.

Helen: That's a beautiful bedroom, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
Helen: [to Faye] I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as
though you've been in there before.
Faye: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, I have, Ma, but I was drunk and it was
dark: I don't remember so much!
Helen: [to Martin] You see how she talks to her mother? Oy!

At that moment Niles dressed as Jesus walks out of the kitchen. Helen
cannot see him as her back is turned, however Faye and Frasier notice
him.

Frasier: Jesus!

Niles hurries back into the kitchen.

Frasier: I'll tell you what, I just realized you haven't seen the
beautiful balcony. Dad, would you do the honors and I'll
check on the brisket?

Martin, Helen and Faye go onto the balcony. Meanwhile, Frasier meets
Niles in the kitchen.

Frasier: What is going on?
Niles: The man who is supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ
Superstar" - he couldn't go on. He slipped in the shower;
the man who could walk on water, but...
Frasier: Yes, yes, it's dripping with irony! Niles, what are you
doing here?
Niles: Well, the minute I got within ten feet of the hay for the
manger scene, my allergies kicked in. I think I left my
nasal spray here somewhere.
Frasier: I am terribly sorry to tell you this, but you've got to get
the hell out of here.
Niles: I don't think that kind of language is appropriate.
Frasier: Oh, just shut up!

Frasier exits the kitchen and enters the balcony:

Frasier: Would you believe it, it's still pink in the middle. By the
time my brisket's done my kugel will be dry as the Sinai.

Niles begins to leave the apartment. However, on the way out he spots
the powder room. He opens it and finds his nasal spray. However,
when he tries to get out he realizes that the Moskowitzes, Frasier
and Martin are coming in from the balcony. Niles hides back in the
powder room.

Helen: It certainly is beautiful, but now I think we're cutting it
close.
Frasier: Yes, you know, you're quite right. We can continue the tour
at another time. Let me walk you to the door.
Helen: Thank you so much, Frasier, you're wonderful. You know,
maybe I should go to the powder room before we go.
Frasier: Oh yes, allow me.

Frasier opens the powder room door. Because of this he is behind the
door and cannot see the scene he has uncovered. We see Niles, dressed
as Jesus, using his nasal spray in front of the Christmas tree.
Talk about incriminating. Faye, Helen and Martin just stare.
Frasier looks over the door, yells and shuts the door.

Helen: What is going on?
Frasier: Helen, I am so terribly sorry.

Niles knocks on the powder room door. Frasier opens it and Niles
enters.

Niles: I'll let you all sort this out, I really have to go.
Helen: I understand, this is your busy time.

Niles exits via the front door.

Faye: Ma, Frasier's not Jewish. I told them to pretend so you
wouldn't freak out.
Helen: What? Well, I... you think I care, you can date anyone you
want!
Faye: Since when?
Helen: I can't believe you're embarrassing me like this.
Faye: You embarrass me on an hourly basis!
Helen: I embarrass you?! [to Frasier] Are you hearing this?
Frasier: You know, maybe we should just give you your privacy...
Helen: No one leaves! [to Faye] You see, you are making them
uncomfortable in their own home. You could have trusted
me to understand. All I want is for you to be happy.
Faye: As long as I'm happy in the life that you pick out for me!
Helen: Excuse me for being a terrible mother, all I do is care!
Faye: Oh, here it comes, the guilt! Just because I don't want you
controlling my whole life...
Helen: So what do you want me to do about it, cut myself out of it?!
You hate me?!
Faye: Sometimes I DO hate you!

Faye gasps and covers her mouth, realizing what she has said.
Helen does the same. They begin crying.

Faye: I'm sorry Ma, I shouldn't have said that.
Helen: Why not? I am too involved. It's because you're all I have.
Faye: But you can't keep running my life.
Frasier: Maybe we should just...
Helen: Sit! We're nearly done.

Frasier and Martin do and look at each other with amazement.

Helen: I have been smothering you. Maybe it's time I learned to let
you go.
Faye: I don't want to be let go. I want you in my life - just not
running it. I do love you, mom.
Helen: Oh, baby, I love you too.

Helen and Faye hug crying... and then suddenly:

Faye: Well, we should go.
Helen: Right.

They go to the door.

Helen: Oh, thank you for a lovely visit. Enjoy your holiday.

Helen exits.

Faye: I am so sorry about all this.
Frasier: That's all right, that's all right. [hugs her] Call me when
you get back.

Faye exits.

Frasier: Good night. [closes door]
Martin: Boy, that was something.
Frasier: It certainly was. You know, we've had a couple of squabbles
today, but nothing like that.
Martin: No way! [laughs]
Frasier: Well, maybe I should get that Christmas tree out of the
bathroom.

Frasier gets the tree.

Martin: One minute they're talking about one little problem; then
suddenly it's everything else. Then it gets all emotional
and messy and then they're hugging and then it's all over.

Frasier has now put the tree in its place.

Frasier: You know, I suppose that's the healthiest way to go about it,
huh, Dad?
Martin: Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't keep that stuff bottled up.
Frasier: No, if you sit on it, you'll just get madder and madder.
Martin: Yeah, best thing is to just lay it on the line!
Frasier: Exactly.

Pause. As the following progresses, they get louder and louder.

Martin: Frasier, I want my Rudolph out for Christmas.
Frasier: What, this again?
Martin: It's just not Christmas without it!
Frasier: Dad, we had an agreement about the Christmas decorations
this year.
Martin: Yeah, but your Christmas stinks. I mean, do you call that a
tree?
Frasier: You know, would it k*ll you to have a tasteful Christmas just
once in your life? Every year we do Christmas your way.
Martin: And you have things your way every damn day! I mean look at
it, there's nothing of mine around this place except for my
chair and you've taken pot sh*ts at that right from the
start because it doesn't fit in with your frou-frou knick-
knacks!
Frasier: Oh that's right, Dad, go ahead, ridicule everything I do:
the way I eat, the way I decorate. Do you have any idea how
that makes me feel?
Martin: Do you know how it makes me feel to live like a guest in my
own home?
Frasier: Dad, I do everything I can to make you feel welcome in this
house, but nothing I ever do is good enough!
Martin: A strange way of making me feel welcome: taking Christmas away
from me - the one time of the year when I get to do things my
way! Like it used to be in our home, with your mother and
when you were kids! You know, that's a nice memory for me,
you'd think as a psychiatrist you'd figure that out!
Frasier: Fine, I'm not even a good psychiatrist! I guess I'm just a
big fat let-down, aren't I?!
Martin: And I'm just a burden to you, AND I HATE LIVING HERE!
Frasier: AND I HATE YOU LIVING HERE!

Similar to Faye and Helen, Martin and Frasier realize what they said.
They begin crying.

Frasier: Oh my God.
Martin: Oh, Jeez.
Frasier: Oh God, I feel terrible.
Martin: So do I. They were hugging by now!
Frasier: We never should have tried this, we're not Jewish.
Martin: Maybe Mrs. Shapiro next door can talk us through it?
Frasier: She's out of town.
Martin: Oh, no. [cries] I'm sorry, I never should have said what
I said.
Frasier: Oh Dad, no, I should have been more sensitive. I am a
psychiatrist.
Martin: And you're a damned good one too, and I'm very proud of you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yes.
Frasier: Oh Dad, I didn't mean any of the things I said. I love
having you here.
Martin: I love being here. I always have.
Frasier: Honestly?
Martin: Well, no, but I thought it would get us to the hug!
Frasier: All right, let's try.

Frasier and Martin hug whilst still tearful.

Credits:

Frasier's Apartment - The apartment is fully decorated. Rudolph is
above the fire with his nose flashing. There is tinsel around the
place. We then see the Christmas tree: a large one covered in lots
of decoration. We also see milk and cookies on the side which Eddie
eats, whilst dressed in his Christmas Santa costume.