06x18 - Taps At The Montana

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is sat in his chair reading the paper when Niles and Frasier
enter.

Martin: Hey boys, how was dinner?
Niles: Oh, let's just say when I picked my lobster out of the t*nk
I had no idea that he was in for a better evening than I was.
Martin: What happened?
Frasier: Well, it started off well enough. First they seated us at a
superb table, much better than the one next to us - where,
unfortunately, they sat Daphne and Donny.
Martin: Oh, jeez.
Frasier: They were being very affectionate, of course: whispering,
laughing, holding hands...
Niles: This in a place where people were trying to eat.
Frasier: Well, in an attempt to make things better I suggested that
Niles and I switch seats so that he could face the other
table. Of course, only moments later they seated Maris
there with her new boyfriend. Also being affectionate.
Niles: Grooming each other like spider monkeys! She was deliberately
taunting me, playing the same coquettish games we used to play
in restaurants: batting her eyes and coyly hiding behind her
breadstick. And then to top it all, the Pouille Foussé we
ordered was a grave disappointment.
Frasier: Yes, well I urged him to send it back, but no, he didn't want
to create a scene in front of Daphne.
Niles: Not that she would have even noticed, the way Donny was
feeding her forkfuls of risotto, as if she had lost her
arms instead of her mind, what is she doing with him?!
Martin: Well, some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Niles: Well, at the Shangri-La, the highlight of my day is getting
out of bed, so I can slam it back up into the wall!
Martin: How long are you gonna stay there? You can afford to go back
to the Montana now, can't you?
Niles: Yes, but thanks to Frasier there's a tenant living there!
Frasier: May I remind you that you begged me to find you a sublet -
Someone austere and dignified enough not to offend your
starchy neighbors?
Niles: Frasier, I'm not trying to blame you, it's just that my whole
world has crashed down around me and I want to go home.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry Niles, he's still got two months left on his
sublet.
Martin: Can't you give him a call, lean on him a little bit?
Frasier: Dad, the man has a lease, I can't very well call him up and
ask him to move out.

Then Daphne enters from her night with Donny. They all greet her.

Martin: How was dinner?
Daphne: Wonderful. [to the brothers] You should have come over and
joined us.
Niles: Oh well, it looked like that you had enough to contend with,
what with your [sotto voce] table's fork shortage.
Daphne: Oh, Donny takes such good care of me. You know, after you
left, I made the tiniest comment about not liking the Pouille
Foussé and he sent it back. That snooty wine steward argued
with him but Donny made a bit of a scene with the owner and
the next thing you knew, our entire meal was on the house.
[laughs] I've never been prouder of him.

She exits. Niles falls against the arm of the couch with a pathetic
whine.


Niles: Frasier, I wanna go home.
Frasier: [picks up phone] I'll call Dr. MacLowery.

FADE OUT

TAPS AT THE MONTANA


Scene Two - Niles's Apartment.
In the hallways of the Montana, Niles and Frasier are standing
outside his apartment. Mrs. Latimer comes to greet him.

Latimer: Dr. Crane, you're back.
Niles: Yes, Mrs. Latimer. Fortunately my sublet was able to move out
early.
Latimer: I trust your tour was a success?
Niles: A triumph.
Latimer: Good, take care.

Mrs. Latimer leaves as Frasier processes the conversation between her
and Niles.

Frasier: Tour?
Niles: I could hardly let these people know where I was living.
[presses doorbell] I told them I was on a lecture tour of
Africa so they wouldn't try to contact me.
Frasier: Ah! [then] You know, Niles, maybe he isn't here. Maybe we
should just let ourselves in.

Frasier opens the door and he steps in with Niles. Niles is taken
aback by seeing his home again.

Niles: Oh... I'm home. Oh, I can already feel the last four months
dropping away.
Frasier: Yes, soon Africa will be just a memory.
Niles: I just want to close my eyes, [does] and savor the serenity...

Then all of a sudden tap dancing is heard offstage.

Niles: What the hell is that?!

Dr. MacLowery comes onto the scene tap-dancing, with headphones on,
and sails down the banister.

Frasier: It's Dr. MacLowery!

He carries on dancing. Niles screams.

Frasier: Dr. MacLowery! What are you doing?
MacLowery: [takes off his headphones] Oh, that was a ball change,
leading to a riff drop. You've got to "Lick it & Stick
it."

He starts dancing again, until Frasier stops him.

Frasier: When did you take up tap dancing?
MacLowery: Oh, years ago. I figured if I didn't dance, I'd go crazy.

Then he begins tap-dancing again, fluttering his arms wildly, and then
dancing all over the room like a mental patient.

Niles: I'm not sure he caught it in time.

MacLowery then takes a run-up and does that little trick where you jump
on the chair and tip it over. Niles screams at this. Then MacLowery
does a step routine that involves kicking the toes of his tap shoes
against the little step below the dining table.

Niles: Ooh, baseboard, baseboard!
Frasier: Dr. MacLowery, please - the neighbors!
MacLowery: Tell me about it! Why, those bunch of sourpusses. All they
do is complain! [then] Sunshine-rain!

MacLowery taps into the kitchen. The doorbell sounds. Niles opens
the door to Alfred & Carol Larkin [last seen in "To k*ll A Talking
Bird"] and Mr. Probst.

Niles: Oh well, look who it is, it's the tenants' board come to
welcome me home. Carol and Alfred Larkin, you remember
my brother, Frasier. Oh, and Mr. Probst.
Probst: See here, Crane. We abhor noise in this building.
Niles: Oh, I couldn't agree more.

To which the tap-dancing starts up again in the kitchen.

Alfred: What do you call that?
Frasier: I believe that was "Lick it & Stick it"!
Carol: This has been going on for months. We would have contacted
you if we had known how to.
Niles: Well, I am sorry but Dr. MacLowery....
Alfred: Dr. Crane, I'm afraid the board is leaning toward rescinding
your lease.
Niles: What? Why?
Probst: Because you're a menace, Crane. You always have been. You
have something of a reputation in this building, what with
all the raucous parties you've hosted. I'm not a well man.
I have a serious heart problem and I demand quiet, we all do.
Niles: Well, Mr. Probst, I assure you...
Probst: Uh-uh. We're having a board meeting tomorrow evening in
which we intend to discuss your situation, and if I were you
I wouldn't plan on unpacking.

Niles is taken aback as the three leave.

Carol: Nice seeing you again.

Niles closes the door.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Niles's Apartment.
It is the evening of the meeting and everyone is milling about.
Frasier, Daphne and Niles are at the front. Daphne is tending
to the punch.

Daphne: It was good of you to go to all this trouble for your brother,
Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh well, in a way I felt responsible.
Niles: Oh, really? I don't why. Just because you sublet my
apartment to Bo Jangles the Loon?

The doorbell sounds.

Daphne: Ooh! I'll get it. [she does]
Frasier: Niles, will you relax?
Niles: How can I? In an hour these people will throw me right out
of my home.
Frasier: Which they won't do if you show them a good time at this
little reception. A couple of drinks, some food, some witty
conversation, they'll realize what an asset you are to this
building.

Daphne brings over Roz and Martin. Daphne takes some drinks to the
guests as Roz goes forward to the brothers.

Roz: Hey, guys.
Niles: Hey, Roz.
Frasier: Hi, Roz.
Roz: [sarcastic, looking at old people] Great party, Niles! I was
a little surprised to get your last-minute invitation. You're
not trying to set me up with anybody, are you?
Niles: [laughs] Don't be ridiculous.
Roz: Good.
Niles: You're here because the caterer cancelled. [takes her coat]
Now listen, I need you to open the wine, cut up some limes
and hang up this coat.
Roz: [peeved] You actually think that I'm so hard-up for a night
out that I'd spend an evening pushing drinks in "God's Waiting
Room"?
Niles: Shush!
Frasier: Roz, please!
Roz: You're paying for the babysitter.
Frasier: All right, done.

Roz takes the coat away. Martin goes to his sons.

Martin: What am I, the dishwasher?
Frasier: No, Dad, you were invited because... well, it just wouldn't be
a party without you. Although there may be a few women here
who are unattached, who might just take a shine to an old
debonair dog like yourself.
Martin: I'm just a piece of meat to you guys, aren't I?

Martin wanders off as Daphne comes back. Her earring falls off and
down her front.

Daphne: Oh, there goes that damn loose earring again! Thank goodness
it didn't fall in the punch bowl. We don't want someone
choking on it, do we?
Frasier: Yes, although nothing says "party" like a tracheotomy.

Meanwhile, the people are listening to Niles.

Carol: You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.
Alfred: [sarcastic] Yes, did the local people actually enjoy your
lectures?
Niles: Well yes, quite a bit. Except of course for the pygmies.
Most of it went right over their heads.

Niles laughs but the joke falls silent on the rest. The doorbell
sounds.

Niles: I'll get it.

Niles opens the door and lots of people come in.

Niles: Oh, the rest of the board, pleased to see you.
Latimer: Dr. Crane, while you were on the subcontinent did you happen
to spot any rare African water fowl?
Niles: Just one, but it was already spotted!

Again, no one even raises a giggle at the joke.

Niles: [responding to nothing] I'll get it.

Niles exits to the kitchen where he finds his pet bird, Baby,
nibbling the food. Frasier is shooing it.

Frasier: For God's sake, Niles, will you do something with this damn
bird?
Niles: Onto your perch. [picks her up and puts her on her perch]
Here you go. Over here.
Baby: Niles sucks.
Niles: The boys at the Shangri-La used to love teaching you things
like that. So tiring.
Baby: Bite me, Niles.
Niles: Right back at you. Frasier, please hurry with the hors
d'oeuvres, the guests are already hostile towards me.
I'm not going to win any points by starving them.
Baby: Stuff it, Niles.
Niles: Oh, don't tempt me!

Niles exits with some nibbles as Mrs. Latimer catches him.

Latimer: Dr. Crane.
Niles: Yes.
Latimer: Who is that distinguished-looking man over there?

We see that it's Martin covering him face with a gardening book.
He looks nervous.

Latimer: I've been trying to catch his eye but he's far too engrossed
in that gardening book.
Niles: Well, that's actually my father, Martin. Dad? [no response]
Don't mind him, he's painfully shy.
Latimer: Oh, I know just how he feels. I'm a bit of a shrinking violet
myself. [calls loudly] Martin!

She walks off to him as Roz comes to meet Niles at the same time
Frasier does.

Roz: Do you see that obnoxious old lecher?
Niles: Well, you're going to have to be a lot more specific.
Roz: The one in the blue jacket, I'm this close to slapping him.
Niles: Wait, wait, wait, that is Mr. Hawkins. He is the vice-
president of the tenants' board.
Roz: Well, I don't care who he is, he just pinched me.
Frasier: Roz, please, the man is eighty and arthritic. How hard can
he pinch?

Roz demonstrates by pinching him.

Frasier: Ow!
Niles: It's not working. People aren't talking, they're not
mixing....
Frasier: Niles! Stop it, stop it. The party's just starting,
everything's going to be just fine.

Roz tries to pinch him again.

Frasier: Don't you touch me!

Frasier enters the kitchen where Daphne is pottering.

Frasier: Daphne, how are those other...

He trails off. On the table is Baby, upside down and apparently dead.

Frasier: Baby?

Daphne turns round and notices the bird.

Frasier: Oh, dear God! [feels it] This bird is dead. How did this
happen?
Daphne: She must have eaten some of the hors d'oeuvres.
Frasier: You mean the ones I've just served to Niles's guests?
Niles: [entering talking to someone outside] You are very welcome!

Frasier quickly covers the bird with a cloth before Niles turns
around. Niles is smiling. Daphne and Frasier, however, are
horrified.

Niles: Frasier, I'm so sorry, I completely overreacted. People
really perked up once they saw those appetizers of yours.
You know, I think the Niles Crane party curse has finally
been laid to rest. [noticing their faces] What?

End Of Act One.

Act Two.

POLLY WANT A STOMACH PUMP?


Scene Four - Niles's Apartment.
The act starts from where the first act left off. Niles is in the
kitchen and reacts from Frasier and Daphne's horrified faces.

Niles: Will somebody please tell me what happened?
Frasier: I'm going to let Daphne tell you.

Frasier takes a sharp exit out of the room.

Niles: What is it?
Daphne: I don't mean to alarm you but there's something wrong with
the hors d'oeuvres.
Niles: What? How do you know?
Daphne: A little bird told me.

Daphne reveals the dead bird under the cloth and on Niles's scream
she covers it again. Meanwhile, in the room Frasier is quickly
taking back the hors d'oeuvres.

Frasier: Sorry, I forgot the garnish. Just dreadfully embarrassed
about this... give me that! Thank you very much. It's just
chef's prerogative. [quickly takes one out of Roz's hands
which is just about to enter her mouth] Roz! For God's sake.

And back in the kitchen...

Niles: Did you see how it happened? Anything?
Daphne: Well, I did hear her last words but... I don't think they'd
be of much comfort to you.

Frasier enters with the collected hors d'oeuvres.

Frasier: Oh Niles, I'm so sorry. My God, the mayonnaise must have
gone bad, or the cranberry, or the paté. [begins binning them]
Niles: Which one did she eat?
Frasier: I don't know. Daphne, smell her beak! [Daphne reacts.]

Frasier: Alright, Niles, are you all right?
Niles: Yes, I just need a moment.
Carol: [o.s] Oh, Dr. Crane?
Niles: That's long enough.

Niles covers Baby just before Carol Larkin enters with a stain on her
jumper.

Carol: Excuse me, I'm afraid I spilt punch on my dress, I need a
towel.

Carol reaches to grab the towel covering Baby. Daphne stops her.

Daphne: No. You're much better off using...

She looks at Niles, who hands her a piece of bread. She reacts,
but pretends it's what she meant.

Daphne: ...yeah, this bread. It's much more absorbent!
Carol: Really?
Daphne: Yes. That's why they call it nature's sponge.
Carol: Alright. [uses it and laughs] It's working.

Carol exits.

Niles: Alright, what do we do now?
Frasier: Daphne, you get rid of Baby, I'll get rid of this tainted
food.
Niles: But we still have a room full of hungry guests with nothing
to serve them.

Daphne begins clearing up. She picks up Baby and Daphne's earring
drops out of her mouth.

Daphne: Oh God, look at that! She must have swallowed my earring,
that's what k*lled her.
Niles: Oh, that means we don't have to destroy the hors d'oeuvres.
Frasier, Frasier, stop! Are there any left?

Frasier brings up the plate with one crab puff on it.

Frasier: Yes, we're in luck. This intrepid little crab puff has
survived. Now all I need is a very sharp Kn*fe and sixteen
toothpicks.
Roz: [o.s.] Niles!

Daphne quickly stuffs Baby into the fridge as Roz enters with a piece
of wet bread.

Roz: I'm really getting tired of these people. Some lady just
handed me a piece of wet bread. [hands it over]
Niles: Oh, this party is doomed.
Frasier: No, Niles, listen. Don't panic, we've got everything we need
to make more hors d'oeuvres. All we need is time, you get out
there and stall.

Niles exits into the living room. He crosses to Mrs. Latimer.

Niles: Mrs. Latimer, can I get you some punch?
Latimer: Yes, your father went to get me some... but that was quite a
while ago.
Niles: Allow me.
Latimer: By the way, where is that adorable bird of yours?
Niles: Um, she's resting. Travel really takes it out of her.
Latimer: You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?
Niles: Well, she has family there.

Mrs. Latimer wanders off with the punch as Niles meets Mr. Probst.

Niles: Mr. Probst, having a good time?
Probst: Look here, Crane, if you're not going to feed us we might as
well take the vote right now.
Niles: No, no, no, please.
Probst: I mean, you bring the hors d'oeuvres, you take the hors
d'oeuvres away... what kind of a game is this you're playing
with us?
Niles: Well I'm not, I'm not... [loudly] Oh, what a good idea!
Why don't we all play a game? Anyone have any suggestions?
Carol: What about m*rder? We played it at Irene Warner's party.
It was a hoot.
Woman: How do we play?
Niles: Well here, [gets out pens and paper] someone tear off slips of
paper and on one of them write the word "m*rder*r." And then
we'll pass them out, and then everyone hide. We'll turn out
the lights, then the m*rder*r kills someone and they lay down
on the floor, then we turn on the lights and the detective
solves the crime.
Frasier: [who entered during the instructions] I tell you what,
I'll volunteer to play the detective for the first round.
Let the mayhem begin!
Latimer: Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me, I know a
little nook where no one will find us. [goes upstairs]
Martin: This game's a lot scarier than I thought! [exits in other
direction]
Frasier: Alright? Turn out the lights, everyone hide.

The lights are turned off, however we can still see. Everyone hides,
except for Mr. Probst, who is looking at his paper. Roz is standing
by. Niles and Frasier exit to the kitchen.

Probst: Ah, can't see.
Roz: Oh, can I help you, sir?
Probst: I don't have my glasses, can you tell me what it says on this
thing?
Roz: It says "m*rder*r."
Probst: Good. [holds a pretend g*n to her head] Then you're dead.
Roz: [lays down; sarcastically] This party just gets better and
better.

Meanwhile in the kitchen Daphne is preparing the food with Niles.

Frasier: How soon?
Daphne: I'm going as fast as I can. The first batch should be ready
in five minutes.
Frasier: Alright, five minutes it is. Ready or not, here I come!

Frasier enters the room. Roz and Mr. Probst are laying on the floor.
Everyone comes from their hiding place.

Frasier: My goodness, the foul fiend has struck already. Turn the
lights on. [they come up] Good heavens, he's struck twice!
Roz: Frasier...
Frasier: Uh-uh, once dead you cannot move or speak, take your cue from
Mr. Probst. Alright, everyone. [in a detective-like voice]
Did any of you see anything suspicious? Any odd behavior?
Alfred: Why don't you just guess, so we can get this thing over with.
Frasier: Not yet, this is very intriguing. I think I'm going to have
to think about it for... five minutes or so.
Carol: Maybe this game was a bad idea.
Frasier: No, the fun's just started. I tell you what, let's turn off
the lights again and we'll let our craven villain ply his
dark trade once more.
Alfred: Are you quite sure those two didn't die of starvation?
Frasier: Very funny! Would you just turn out the lights, please?

The lights are turned off.

Frasier: Alright everyone, hide!

They all go back to their places.

Roz: Frasier, I have a question.
Frasier: No, Roz, no talking.
Roz: Just tell me, can the m*rder*r commit su1c1de?
Frasier: Well no, Roz, that wouldn't make much sense, would it?
Roz: That's what I thought, but Mr. Probst is the one who m*rder*d
me.
Frasier: Well, was he? Well then, Mr. Probst, I don't think someone's
playing by the rules, is he? You see, this way no-one else
can get m*rder*d, can they? [silence] Mr. Probst?

Frasier begins to feel his pulse. Roz is worried and gets up.

Roz: What is it? What are you doing?
Frasier: Nothing, Roz, nothing.
Roz: Are you taking his pulse?
Frasier: I'm trying to, I just can't find one.
Roz: Oh my God! When he fell down, I thought it was part of the
game. It didn't even look real.

Then Niles enters, again thinking that the party curse is now extinct.

Niles: Okay, it's time to wind the game up. The appetizers are
ready, and may I say they are delicious. I think this
party is finally back on track!
Frasier: Niles! I'm afraid Mr. Probst has passed on.

Long pause.

Niles: What?
Frasier: Yes, you see, I think that heart condition of his finally
caught up with him.
Niles: Dead? No, no, no, he's sleeping. Old people love to nap.
[begins prodding him] Mr. Probst, time to wake up. Mr.
Probst...
Frasier: Niles, Niles, he's gone.
Niles: Oh my God, how could this happen?
Roz: Shouldn't we notify someone?
Niles: No, he was a widower, he had no children, he lived alone in
this building for twenty-five years. This is so awful. Mr.
Probst is right, I am a menace.
Frasier: No, Niles, this is not your fault.
Niles: But it happened at my party, it's all they will remember.
I might as well pack my bags.
Frasier: No, I tell you what. There's no need for that. I think we
can still get him out of here without anybody noticing.
Niles: How?
Frasier: You go find Dad. Tell him to call one of his friends at the
police department. One of his good friends, right? I'll
handle the rest.
Niles: All right.

Niles exits down the hallway.

Roz: What's the rest?
Frasier: I'm going to use the game to distract everybody. I will take
everyone into the kitchen for questioning, thus drawing their
attention from the bodies.
Roz: What do you mean, "bodies"?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: No.
Frasier: Get down.

She objects and he tries to force her.

Roz: No, please no.
Frasier: All right, how about this? I will pay the airfare for that
vacation of yours next month.
Roz: [thinks, then] No way, it's just too creepy. First class?
Frasier: Business.
Roz: Done.
Frasier: All right, get down there.

Roz lays down, shuddering as she does so. Niles arrives back.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, I found Dad hiding from Mrs.
Latimer. He's called his friend.
Frasier: Great. Niles, start getting everyone in the kitchen.
Niles: Wait, wait, won't they wonder why there hasn't been another
m*rder?
Frasier: Good point.
Roz: [from under Mr. Probst] Could we move this along?!
Frasier: Quiet!

Then Martin enters.

Martin: The wagon's on its way. When it gets here let me deal with
it.
Niles: All right, thank you, Dad. I really appreciate this...
Frasier: Dad! Can you do one more favor? You are now the k*ller.
Listen, come on, you've got to m*rder somebody - preferably
in the kitchen!
Martin: Oh, come on! You're not going to make someone lie down on
this dirty floor again, are you?

At this moment Mrs. Latimer enters from the kitchen and spots Martin.

Latimer: Oh, there you are, Martin. Have you been hiding from me?
Martin: [with an idea, evil] Hiding? No, you're just the person
I've been looking for.

They exit back into the kitchen.

Frasier: All right, turn on the lights, everyone. [whisper] Roz, you
okay?
Roz: [sarcastic] Yeah, it's a carnival down here.
Frasier: Everyone. There has been another m*rder... in the kitchen.
I'm ready to solve the crime, if you'll all join me... in
the kitchen.
Carol: Why can't you solve it right here?
Frasier: Well I could, you see, but that wouldn't be proper. You see...
[thinks, then] the hors d'oeuvres are in there. Come along,
people. We've got food. Don't touch the crime scene please,
thank you very much.

Everyone enters the kitchen.

Roz: Hurry, his fingers are getting stiff!

Frasier enters the kitchen where everyone is standing. Mrs. Latimer
is laying "dead" on the table.

Frasier: Before I determine the identity of the k*ller, there are a
few questions I'd like to ask each of you.

The doorbell sounds.

Carol: I'll get it.
Frasier: No. No-one leaves until I've solved the crime. Except you,
Dad.

Frasier lets Martin out.

Frasier: All right, then. I think I shall begin by drawing a diagram
of where each of you was standing when the first m*rder
occurred.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Five - Niles's Apartment.
Time has lapsed as Frasier is just about finishing the diagram of
everyone. The guests are now really bored standing around in the
kitchen. Mrs. Latimer is still laying "dead" on the table.

Frasier: So we have established Miss Finn was talking with Mr. Larkin
in the upstairs hall at 8:14. And he muttered something.

Frasier quickly takes a look out of the door into the living room.
We see that the body bag is just being sealed up.

Carol: Why do you keep looking out there?
Frasier: I'll ask the questions around here, Mrs. Larkin.
Alfred: They already told you. Your father k*lled Mrs. Latimer.
Mrs. Hawkins saw him.
Frasier: Mrs. Hawkins thought she saw him!
Latimer: [lifts her head] No, Martin did k*ll me. He's got a lot to
learn about playing gently.
Frasier: Mrs. Latimer, we have already broken the "no-eating while dead"
rule but we'll stand fast on the "quiet" one. [stuffs a crab
puff in her mouth] Now...
Carol: I'm bored and I'm going home.
Frasier: No, wait.

Everyone exits. Frasier expects the worse and defends his brother.

Frasier: You can't blame Niles for this because...

Frasier exits and sees the dead body has gone. Martin, Niles, Roz and
Daphne are standing with a "fake" smile on their faces.

Frasier: [covering] My father is the k*ller! Yes, the case is closed.
Shall we have another round?

People disagree.

Alfred: Where's Probst?
Roz: He just left. He wasn't feeling well.
Niles: Yes, I hope he's alright, poor man.
Alfred: Well, who cares? I never liked the old coot anyway.
Niles: You didn't?
Alfred: I was planning on voting for you tonight just to annoy him.
Carol: Me, too!
Niles: Well, why don't we vote right now?
Alfred: Consider it done. [shakes Niles's hand] You're in, Crane.
Welcome back. Carol, let's get out of here.

Everybody leaves and Niles wishes them goodbye. Meanwhile, Roz and
Frasier are round the punch bowl.

Roz: Doesn't he have anything stiffer than punch to drink?
I don't like looking at dead bodies, much less touching
them.
Frasier: I think he's got a bottle of vodka in the freezer, Roz.
Roz: Oh, great.

RESET TO: Kitchen

Roz enters the kitchen. She opens the fridge door and gets out the
bottle of vodka. But at first she doesn't notice Baby stuffed onto
a shelf in the door compartment, stiff and upside down...

RESET TO: Living Room

Outside, Niles says goodbye to the last guests.

Niles: Thank you so much for this second chance. I can assure you,
from now on this will be the quietest apartment in the Montana.
Roz: [o.s.] OH, MY GOD!
Niles: Goodnight.

Niles shuts the door and then looks around at Frasier and Daphne, who
have obviously had enough.

End of Act Two.

Credits:
Niles's Apartment - Niles is reading on his fainting couch. He looks
around the room, stands up and eyes the antique couch that Dr.
MacLowery tipped over in his dance routine. Niles goes to the other
side of the room, takes a run-up and does the trick, admiring his
work afterwards.
Guest Appearances
Guest Starring
ROSEMARY MURPHY as Carol Larkin
JACK SYDOW as Alfred Larkin
RANDY DONEY as Dr. MacLowery
MIMI HINES as Mrs. Latimer
BILL MOREY as Mr. Probst
NINA MANN as Miss Finn
FIONA HALE as Mrs. Hawkins
JACK DONNER as Mr. Hawkins
Synopsis {kathy churay}

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE - FRASIER'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Niles is irritated and disgruntled as he and Frasier return from
dinner. As they recount their evening to Martin we learn that at the
restaurant they were first served an inferior Pouilly Fuisse, then
seated next to Donny and Daphne who were being very affectionate.
Frasier switched chairs with Niles so he wouldn't have to watch, only
be confronted a few minutes later with the spectacle of Maris coyly
flirting with her new boyfriend over dinner to taunt Niles.

Niles is depressed about the whole evening and just wants to go home
to the Montana. Martin asks whether he can't afford to go back now,
and Niles answers that he can except that Frasier persuaded him to
sublet the apartment to a starchy dignified tenant who still has two
months remaining on his lease.

His dejection is complete when Daphne comes in, beaming. Apparently
while Niles had hesitated to send back the inferior wine at dinner,
Donny had not only sent back the same wine but also made a scene and
got the restaurant to waive the bill for their entire meal. Daphne
goes off to her room saying how proud she is of Donny, and Niles
moans that he just wants to go home. Frasier agrees to call the
tenant at the Montana and try to break the lease.

TAPS AT THE MONTANA

SCENE TWO - Hallway Outside Niles's Apartment

Niles and Frasier are about to ring the doorbell when they meet Mrs.
Latimer, a neighbor who observes that Niles is back from his tour.
Niles replies that his sublet was able to move out early, and after
she leaves Frasier inquires about the tour. Niles tells him that he
had informed his neighbors that he was going on an African lecture
tour -- wouldn't have done to let them know the real reason he was
moving out, and he hadn't wanted them to be able to contact him.
They ring the doorbell and when there is no response they let
themselves in with Niles's key.

Niles is thrilled to be home after four months. "I just want to
close my eyes and savor the serenity!" But the serenity is short-
lived as the sound of loud tap dancing echoes from upstairs. A figure
dances into view on the parquet floor of the stair landing, then
slides down the bannister to the living room to continue his dance
routine. It's Dr. McLowrey, a gray-haired man wearing a Walkman and
doing an enthusiastic tap routine all over Niles's parquet-covered
living room floor. Frasier asks when McLowrey had taken up tap
dancing, and the doctor replies that he adopted it years ago to keep
from going crazy. Too late, Niles observes.

The last straw for Niles is when McLowrey leaps onto one of Niles's
antique chairs and tips it over in a dance routine reminiscent of
both Fred Astaire and Niles's fencing scene in "An Affair To Forget"
when he tips over the couch. Niles is panicked at the potential
damage to his apartment, and Frasier tries to remind the doctor about
the neighbors. McLowrey replies that the neighbors are sourpusses,
always complaining, and taps merrily off to the kitchen.

Just then the doorbell rings and Niles greets three members of the
building's tenants' board: an older couple, the Larkins, and a
sour-looking grayhaired man named Mr. Probst. Probst informs Niles
that they abhor noise in the building and the board is leaning toward
rescinding his lease. Niles tries to protest but Probst tells him
that he has a heart problem and the other tenants need quiet. He
cautions Niles that there will be a board meeting the following
evening, and if he were Niles, he wouldn't plan on unpacking. Niles
is in shock as they leave.

SCENE THREE - Niles' Apartment - The Following Evening

There is a very subdued party in progress as Niles hosts the 10 or so
members of the tenants' board, all of whom are wealthy-looking senior
citizens. Daphne and Frasier are helping Niles at the punchbowl as
Daphne tells Frasier he was nice to help his brother by organizing
the party. Niles replies that it was the least Frasier could do
after subletting the apartment to "Bojangles the Loon".

The doorbell rings and Daphne admits Roz and Martin. They go over to
the punch bowl and Roz tells Niles how surprised she was to get his
last-minute invitation. He tells her the caterer cancelled and
orders her to open the wine, cut up some limes and hang up the coats.
Roz is miffed but Frasier enlists her help and she agrees if Frasier
will pay for the babysitter. Frasier agrees and Roz goes off to hang
up her coat.

Martin cynically inquires what his role will be -- dishwasher?
Frasier tells him that there are several unattached women his age who
"might just take a shine to an old debonair dog like yourself."
Martin: "I'm just a piece of meat to you guys!" Just then Daphne
returns to the punchbowl from her rounds of serving drinks. She
starts to help Frasier but is distracted when her earring slips off
and slides down her blouse. She retrieves it and remarks that she
was grateful it didn't end up in the punchbowl.

Meanwhile Niles is making lame jokes with the party guests and
failing miserably. He heads for the kitchen in desperation.

As he enters Frasier is shooing Baby away from the kitchen table
where she is sampling the canapes. Niles returns her to her perch
as she pelts him with slang taught to her by Niles's neighbors from
the Shangri La. To her "Stuff it, Niles!" he replies, "Oh, don't
tempt me." And back to the living room he goes with Frasier to
deliver the food.

One of the female guests collars Niles to inquire who Martin might
be. Niles tells her and she goes off in hot pursuit. Roz complains
that one of the elderly men pinched her. When Frasier doubts how
hard an arthritic old man can pinch, she demonstrates on his chest.
Niles goes into a panic because the guests are not mingling or having
a good time, and Frasier reassures him, fleeing into the kitchen for
more food.

Frasier enters the kitchen to find Daphne with her back turned and
Baby lying dead on the kitchen table in the middle of a tray of
canapes. Frasier gasps and asks how it happened. A stunned Daphne
replies that Baby must have eaten some of the hors d'ouvres [I can
never spell that and I'm not looking it up now.] Niles comes in for
more appetizers and Frasier throws a towel over Baby to keep Niles
from seeing her.


ACT TWO

POLLY WANT A STOMACH PUMP?


SCENE ONE - Niles's Kitchen - A Moment Later

Niles wants to know what has happened, and Frasier flees to the
living room to collect the appetizers and leaves Daphne to deliver
the bad news.

Frasier races around the living room collecting food trays and
grabbing appetizers out of the guests' hands. He returns to the
kitchen.

Niles is giving Baby CPR, but it's too late. He's shocked and sad
but not really heartbroken as Frasier returns with the food and they
begin trying to guess which appetizer has gone bad. Was it the pate?
The mayonnaise? Meanwhile Frasier begins dumping canapes into the
garbage.

A guest enters the kitchen and complains that she needs something to
blot the wine she's spilled on her dress. She tries to take the
towel that covers Baby, but Daphne hands her a piece of bread instead
and she leaves, blotting her dress.

As Daphne picks up Baby there is a small clattering sound, and Daphne
discovers her loose earring which has fallen out of Baby's mouth.
Apparently that's what has k*lled her. They are relieved to know the
food hasn't gone bad and they try to stop Frasier from dumping all
the food into the garbage, but it's too late. Now Daphne will have
to re-make all the food.

Roz bursts into the kitchen and Daphne hastily stuffs Baby into the
freezer and closes the door. Roz complains about the guests and
Niles moans that his party is doomed, but Frasier won't let him give
up. He shoves Niles back into the living room to stall the guests
while he and Daphne make more food.

As Niles returns to the living room Mr. Probst comes up to Niles
complaining about the lack of food. "What kind of game are you
playing here?" As he begins to deny playing games Niles gets
inspired and declares that they should all play a game. One guest
suggests a game of "m*rder". All the guests will get slips of paper,
one of which reads "m*rder*r". While the other guests hide he will
pick one victim to k*ll. Frasier comes in and volunteers to be the
detective who solves the crime.

Frasier turns out the lights and the guests dutifully hide. Mr.
Probst can't read his slip of paper, and Roz helps him to read the
word "m*rder*r" on his piece of paper. Probst grumpily informs Roz
that she's dead, and she lies down on the floor complaining about the
game.

When Frasier turns the lights on he finds Roz lying next to Mr.
Probst, who is face down on the floor with his arm over Roz. Roz
protests but Frasier informs her the m*rder victim can't talk, and so
she subsides. The guests come out of hiding and Frasier tries to
stall them as they complain about the boring game and the lack of
food. He suggests turning off the lights again so the m*rder*r can
strike again, and off go the lights as the guests return to their
hiding places.

Roz flags down Frasier from her place on the floor, asking if the
m*rder*r can commit su1c1de. It turns out that Mr. Probst is not
feigning unconsciousness but has actually d*ed while playing the
game. Roz is appalled to think that she had been lying next to a dead
man. Niles comes in from the kitchen to receive the news and can't
believe it. He is in despair over his chances at staying at the
Montana now, but as usual Frasier has a plan. Roz and Frasier
nearly panic, but Frasier suggests they simply bring the other guests
out to the kitchen and have Martin call his friends at the police
station to remove the body quickly. Meanwhile, Roz must lie down next
to Probst and continue to play the part of m*rder victim till the
police come. Roz at first refuses till Frasier bribes her with
airfare to her vacation destination the followng month.

Martin comes in after having made his phone call and agrees to play
the m*rder*r. He goes off to the kitchen with one of the guests who
has been annoying him. Frasier turns on the lights and brings out
the other guests, dragging them off to the kitchen to expound on the
identity of the m*rder*r. He keeps it up in spite of the guests'
complaints until he sees that the police have taken away the body.

Finally the guests are bored and rebel, exiting back to the living
room where they remark on Mr. Probst's absence. Niles tells them
Probst didn't feel well and went home. One of the other guests
remarks that he had been planning to vote in favor of Niles just to
annoy Probst, and the others agree. They take a quick vote, welcome
Niles back to the Montana, and b*at a hasty retreat out the front
door to escape the ghastly party.

Roz complains about the lack of hard liquor, and Frasier tells her
Niles keeps a bottle of vodka in the freezer. Niles is assuring his
departing guests that there will be no further noise from his
apartment when Roz's bloodcurdling scream from the kitchen announces
that she has located Baby's final resting place in the freezer door.

FADE OUT.

CREDITS:

- Niles's Apartment

Niles is contentedly reading in his dressing gown in the living room.
He gets up to go to bed and gazes happily around his apartment. As
he reaches the front door he seems to make up his mind. He runs
across the living room and leaps up on the antique chair, expertly
tipping it over as McLowrey had done in his dance routine. He
savors the moment, then dances off up the stairs to bed.