01x04 - The Meadowlands



You gonna say something, or what?

It's your dime.


What's he doing here?

A friend of mine walked by.

Heshie. He has a : .



SILVIO: Yeah, baby.



- What the hell's going on?
JACKIE: Thunderstorms.


- Jackie.
- You smell it?

That's rain.

Dr. Melfi, what the hell are you doing to me?




Go back to sleep.


What are you doing up?
You got school tomorrow.

Working on a high score.

- Did your mother go to bed?
- Yeah.

Where were you?

The compactor went down at Barone Sanitation.


Move over.

- Ready?
- Yeah.


Watch out for the ghosts.

This ain't steering right.

Yeah, kicking your butt.

So how're things going with you?

How's school?

Dad, you have to concentrate.
New game.

- No fair.
- It's called a handicap.

Come on, stop!

I'm kicking your ass!

TONY: One hand, look at that!
A.J: I can't see.

Get off!

Ow! Stop! Come on!

You lose.

Focus through distractions.
There's your lesson.

I want you in bed in minutes.

Andretti, you listening to me?

Good night, Dad.

Good night.


Where'd you park?

In the parking lot.

- No one followed me.
- Adriana, you wouldn't know it.

Oh, yeah. Like Tony Soprano's hiding in my back seat.

- You are so paranoid.
- Bring the car right here.

I know, he's in disguise.
That could be him.

Hey, Tony! Or maybe he's in the trash can.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Ow! Let go of me!

It could be anybody, anytime.
I don't even know if it's Tony.

You gave crystal meth to his daughter!

Which I'm not sure he knows.

Look at my wrist. It's all red.

I'm sorry!

But I got dragged out to the f*cking Meadowlands by my neck!

Mock execution!


- What?
- Nothing.

- No, what?
- You don't want to know, trust me.

Know what?

I heard the nurse say you made number two in your pants.

Is that what happens?

Get the car! Please, can we just go to Brendan's...

...score some sh1t and find out what's going on?



CHRIS: Brendan, let's go. Wake up, man.


The fool leaves his door open.

- I gotta pee.
- Go for it.

You should have seen me at the hospital. Three nurses...


MAN ON TV: You will comply with the orders.


Yeah. Yeah.

That's the message. Thanks.

LANCE: Way to go, Anth!

Hear it in five, four, three, two...


Yo, check it.

You think this is funny?

What? What's funny?

I didn't do nothing.

You beep me again, you'll be sorry.

We don't know what you're talking about.

"Your mother blows."
That's a real original message.

- Maybe she does, right?
- Yeah.

Then why'd you eat all the doughnuts she sent us at camp?

And then cry on her shoulder: "I'm so homesick, Mrs. Piocosta."

Why don't you shut up?

Have another doughnut, you fat fart-knocker!

A.J: I'm gonna kill him!


Hey, break it up!

Break it up!

I want a -minute cool-down period, now.


SILVIO: See you next week, doc.

HYGIENIST: Mr. Dante, you forgot something.

Thank you, baby.

- Don't forget to floss.
- You saved my life.

All right. See you next week, all right?

Can I help you, sir?



TONY: Oh, my God.

TONY: I'm having second thoughts.
- About?

This whole thing, this whole arrangement.


I come here, I tell you things, I don't know how safe it is.

I understand your concerns.

But I told you what the ground rules are:

As long as I don't hear anything incriminating...

You don't f*cking get it.
Just my being here incriminates me!

Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else, all of a sudden I'm a celebrity!

I thought we made some progress on your narcissism.

Who are you?

Why is that so important for you to know?

My mother told me never to answer a question with a question.

So your mother did teach you something.

If I asked you about your life, who you talk to, who you trust?

I'd have to take the Fifth.

That's cute.


I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of what I was saying.

I'm sorry.

- Why are you here?
- Chris sent me for you.

Chris? Did something happen?
Must be my dad, right?

Why else would Chris send you?

HUNTER: Did Brendan get my poem?

Another search warrant? Calls them the Federal Bureau of Annoying Bullshit.

You told your old man!

You scared me!
What happened to you?

We're moving to Florida because you couldn't keep your mouth shut!

What are you talking about?

Did Brendan ask about me?

Get us out of here! Get us out!

- Did you tell your old man?
- About the meth? Are you insane?

Don't you get it? This is serious!

Let go of me!

ADRIANA: Stop this sh1t!

He's worried about you. He's been asking about you, asshole.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

I hate my life, being a Soprano.

CHRIS: Hey...

...don't ever say you hate life. That's blasphemy.

f*ck you!

CHRIS: Okay, let's go.

Remember when you were little?

I'll buy you one of those Happy Meals, all right?

Where the f*ck are you?


This is a new shirt your grandmother bought. It's in the trash?

It's a Westport.
It's not even cool anymore.

What did you just say?

I got in a fight.

Hope you did as much damage to his wardrobe. Who with?

I didn't get caught. No demerits.

Anthony, who?


Jeremy Piocosta?

You were together at camp. I thought you were friends.

If that's all the information I get, I'll call Mrs. Piocosta.

No, Ma, wait! Don't call!

You kids are gonna learn the value of a dollar!

- I'll wash your car.
- You never put any effort in.

I will, I promise.
I'll do it really good.

Just don't call, I'll get the money.

Forty dollars, Anthony.

I know, I know.


How you doing?

What brings you here?

Remember that pastry place?

Brought you some macaroons.

They're too sweet!

What do you mean?
They're your favorites!

The activities director, Rosie, says...

...they're organizing a trip to the city.

Dinner and a show.

And you don't want to go.

- I don't like the people here.
- You don't know them.

And that city.

Grown men soiling themselves.

- It's not like that anymore.
- That Giuliani...

Let's stick to the field trip.

Mothers throwing their babies out of skyscraper windows.

You're always with the babies out the windows.

You don't mix with the other ladies or talk to the nice gents I see around.

- You're not taking opportunities.
- What do you care?

Out of sight, out of mind.

We don't think like that.

Not me, or Carm, or the kids.

I wish the Lord would take me now.

I came to get cheered up.
Think that's a mistake?

You being sarcastic?

You can't put your problems on me.

This is the most expensive retirement home in New Jersey.

If you wanted to, you could be happy here.

You're pissing it all away.

What beautiful language for your mother.

You want the macaroons?

I don't care.

Leave some out for the lunatics.

Goodbye, Ma.

OLD WOMAN: They're saying it might rain today.


What the hell are you doing?

This place is an hour from my office.

Are you a woman? Get a bladder transplant. My mother lives here.

It's not real convenient for me.

It's not convenient?
Why don't we meet at your precinct?

The government would love a few pictures of us for the scrapbook.

What do you got for me?


- "Jennifer Melfi, M.D."?
- Her background, daily routine.

And your personal relationship with her is?

None of your f*cking business.

You can't blame a guy for trying.

Are you bored with your life?

Oh, yeah, sure!
Busting whores and junkies.

Plus, it's a thrill to pay two alimonies on a $ , -a-year income.

TONY: All right, listen.

I don't want her touched or bothered.

I want to know the who, when, why. That's it.

Usual fee?

The Knicks lost, lieutenant.

You're down two large.

- Lay off the vig.
- We'll see what kind of job you do.

Okay. See you in a few days.
What you got in the box?


This is awful.

I can't deal with this.

What kind of God?


TONY: Where you been?

- What happened to you?
- Brendan's dead.

What are you talking about?

The fish is in my pocket.

CHRIS: Brendan's brains are floating in his bathtub.

Message job. Through the eye.

Moe Greene special.

- Uncle Junior.
- What do you mean, Moe Greene?

In one.

Moe's eyes got too big for his stomach, so they put a caliber in his eye.

Mikey Palmice does their hits.

- In his glasses, you mean.
- Glasses, eyes. Why quibble?

I'm at the World Trade Center.

What are you doing? Palmice's a made guy.

He didn't have the balls to do it himself.

Contracted these Russians, and he killed my friend.

Our response should suit the message.

In the mouth means he was a rat.

It's just how Francis framed the shot, for the shock value.

Brendan didn't deserve it.
Don't talk me out of it.

Listen, you can't touch Mikey.

Your uncle's pissing on your head, what do you expect me to do?

I'm on it, T. I know where Mikey's house is, over by Route .

No. He tries to leave, you break his other neck.


Hey, Mr. GQ. Got a ticket.

- How you doing, Mikey?
- How you doing?


Son of a...

Your suit's wrinkled. Here, let me fix it up for you.

Why are you screaming?
Free alterations.

Missed a spot.

This is overdue.


Hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

We gonna stop before it gets out of hand?

- Not even a hello?
- I'm here because I love you.

And I respect you.

Don't pretend you're paying me respect.

A son who throws his mother in an asylum.

She lives like a poveretta.

That's none of your business.

Your friends get in my business, expect me to turn the cheek.

The truck was made good to you.

I'm sitting here like patience on a monument, waiting for discipline.

Your boys were warned, and still they embarrass me.

I run my crew my way.
What you did was extreme.

Now you're my judge?

I answer to bigger people than you, my friend.

Like Jackie?

Want to take this to his deathbed?

That nephew of yours we gave a high colonic...

...he earns good?

- He's coming up.
- Okay.

He works for me now.

Excuse me?

Maybe he gives you agita for a change.

You got some set of balls, you know that?
Absolutely not.

I show you my hand, and you slap it away.

What's the matter with you?

Why can't we talk like adults anymore, huh?


Next time you come in, you come heavy or not at all.

You don't mean that.

By the time I get to take the sergeant exam, the pay scale is frozen by law.

Why are we following these people?

They grabbed a meal, saw a movie. So what?

Luckily they stopped at that package store.

I got a juice.

Yeah, I can smell the potatoes.

Hey, listen, asshole.

Same make and model left the scene of a homicide on Long Island.

Stay f*cking current.

You broke it off with the shlub after a week?

I know. I feel for you males.

It's our goddamned fault you don't know how to act.

Admitting mistakes.

We tell you to be more sensitive, you join Promise Keepers.

We say, "Get in touch with your feelings." You run into the woods...

...gunking yourselves with bear fat, beating a drum.

Don't ruin my evening.

- You know what I mean.
- Sure.

You want someone who's sensitive to your needs...

...but still decisive enough for a grope in the closet.


Something like that.


Oh, sh1t! That's all I need.

We were speeding?

I wasn't looking.

Pull over.

License and registration, please.

I'm sorry, officer.
Did I do something wrong?


You crossed the double line, have you been drinking?

We had wine with dinner.

Step out of the car, please.

I don't believe this.

Just relax, Randall, and do what he says, okay?

I need you to walk a straight line to me, sir. Heel to toe.

RANDALL: Look...

I applaud your vigilance.

But this is unnecessary, all right?

I'm a lawyer.
I know I'm under the limit.

- Open the trunk, please.
- What?

- You want to search my golf...?
- Open it!

I will not!

You ever hear of probable cause?

Oh, yeah, that's a real good legalese!

Are you resisting arrest?


Vin, f*cking cool it!

He can't do that!

- Back in the car!
- He didn't do anything wrong!

Back in the car, now!

Come on, let's go!

I perceived what I thought was a weapon.

LEWIS: What the hell's wrong with you, Vin?

Take him. DUI, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer.

- What's he...?
- Do it!

LEWIS: Jesus Christ!

Don't you touch me!

You got prime rib at home.
Don't be going out for hamburgers.

What? What are you talking about?


Randall, I'll follow you!

I'm gonna call my lawyer, you f*ck, you!

She's seeing a Randall Curtin, tax lawyer.

He lives at...

... Rennsalaer Road.

He's divorced, got two kids.

He's the country club type.

Not much in the balls department, I might add.

What about her?

The good doctor, in her office at a.m., leaves at .

Orders a tuna sub and Diet Coke.

She's got a three-bedroom condo in Essex Fells. Shops at Pathmark.

She's divorced, one kid, .

Outside of schmucko, she don't get out much.

But she does see a shrink.

She what?

Yeah, she sees a shrink, once a week.
His name is Elliot Kupferburg.

f*ck me!

She don't f*ck anyone, from what I can tell.

It's not because she don't got the goods.

She left her blinds up, I got some of them Victoria Secret-type snaps.

If you're interested.

A little a this?

- Good enough, then?
- Yeah.

You got any Advil?

What am I, a f*cking pharmacy?

What you got on Friday's game?
I got three bills on Rutgers.

That'll solve all your problems.

Thank you.

With a stapler?!

JIMMY: I heard Mikey had to give up that nice suit.

He got too attached to it.

Michael Palmice's been a disease since he was , he had it coming.

It don't make things any easier.

- My uncle's stubborn.
- Stubborn enough to go to war?

What kind of a word is that?

There hasn't been a war since the Columbo thing.

Everybody decided.

No one's going to the mattresses these days.

I got a top-of-the-line Posturepedic at my house. f*ck it.

If Jackie wasn't sick, this wouldn't have happened.

You're right.

So one of us captains gotta step up.

Lack of control is f*cking up this family.

- That's true.
- You can say that again.

If the old man were here, instead of in that cell in Springfield...

...he'd say, "Raymond, this is your moment."

Go easy with the grease gun, okay?

You're the Boy Wonder. Him and Jackie both had you picked from day one.

You got the age, the seniority.

I also got an -year-old with MS, okay?

I told Nucci I'd be doing less, not more.

All due respect to your crippled kid, you don't want a wire up your ass.

That's why you should be boss, you're so f*cking smart.

And it's "physically challenged."


Why don't we run it like a council?

Larry, the old guys set this up as a paramilitary organization.

We need a supreme commander, not the f*cking Dave Clark Five.

Face it, T. You and Junior are gonna have to duke it out.

RAYMOND: You've gotta be boss.

Number one, I'm not the man.

Number two, he's got New York behind him.

Not for anything, God bless your uncle...

...but he's living in the wrong century. New York knows it.

You want it, T, you'll get there okay.

It's the right thing. It's inevitable.

I don't want no disturbance.

Hey, what's up?


Bet you told your mom what happened.

What are you, high?!

Well, you owe me $ for the shirt.
The collar was ripped.

You still owe me for th of July.

Bottle rockets? I paid for them.

Not for the M- s. Remember, the ones we blew up the frogs with?

Oh, yeah. That was pretty cool.


Just give me the money.

That thing was gay!
I did you a favor.

You're gonna do it!

Make me, fatty!

- Dickwad!
- Asshole!

KIDS: Whoa!

JEREMY: Shithead!

A.J: Bitch! Come on.

JEREMY: Let's go, shithead!

- Let me go!
- So I can kick your ass again?

I was kicking your ass!

Nobody won, it was a draw.

The Pit, tomorrow, : .

Help me with the chinch bugs, they're killing my corn.

This stuff works pretty well.
It's safe for the environment.

I tried that.

You got any DDT back there?

That stuff's illegal, it's been banned.

Maybe you have a little surplus back there.

I'll meet you back there.

If I could help, I would...

Mr. Piocosta! Right?
How you doing?

You remember, our boys went to Camp Aheka together?

- Of course, Tony. How are you?
- Good.

Your kid still got that killer crossover dribble?

Yeah, I guess so.

That'll get him a scholarship.

So how's Anthony?

He's moody, you know.
For a kid that age, you know.

Nice seeing you, Tony.

Why don't we get together and cook dogs for the boys?

Tony, I don't even know if these guys are close anymore.

Did Anthony say anything?

I'll have Carmela call Joanie.


That's great. Tony, that's great.
I'll see you around.




- Tony!
TONY: Yeah?

Oh, my God! Tony!

I thought the medication was supposed to help your panic attacks.

It does.
It's the first one in a while.

What does your therapist say?
He should increase your dosage.

He's got more degrees than a thermometer. Don't worry about it.

Does your therapist ask questions about our marriage?

I know personal feelings are hard for you to talk about.

That's all we do is talk.

Carm, I'm gonna quit.

- Did you bring this up with him?
- Yeah. He knows.

I guess.

I forgot to take my Prozac this morning.

It's up in the bathroom, can you get it?

I know with Jackie sick, you're under tremendous pressure.

But I feel if the therapy didn't hurt, it wouldn't be helping!

- You don't understand.
- That's why you're in therapy.

Because I don't understand!

I'm telling you, if you give up now, I'll have to re-evaluate things.

What is that, huh?

I got a sensitive job, I'm not an average Joe on the block.

It's our marriage, Tony!

Therapy is too much exposure!

You live with the results then.

What's that, a threat?

No, Tony, it's a rave review.
Get your own f*cking pills.

How long did the attack last?

About seconds.

I was dizzy, out of breath.
That's it, I never lost consciousness.

Anything since?

I'll write you a scrip for Xanax, just for a couple of days.

It'll get you over the short-term stresses.

My uncle's got me in a box where I gotta do something I don't want to do.

Then there's my mother.

Four grand a month and she acts like I'm an Eskimo, pushing her out to sea.

She's testing.

Same as your uncle.

Like little kids.

There's a good book about this.

No, I read, I go right out.

It's Strategies for Coping with Elder Family.

You can't f*cking spank them.

Would it hurt to let your mother think she's still in charge?

You have children, you know what they're like.

Sometimes it's important to let them have the illusion of being in control.

Chris, my man!

Surprised to see me?

Heard they took you for a ride.
Tour of the Meadowlands.

Heard you had a little b.m.

- You got my cut?
- They came and took it.

- Who?
- Junior Soprano's boys.

They said it's their corner now.

You let them?

I don't argue well sucking on a Smith & Wesson.

- You didn't beep me?
YO YO: Word on the street...

...you out of commission.
Sorry, man, business.

You know, there's no one I'd rather give my points to than you.

It's all right. It's not your fault.

I'm glad to hear you say that, man.

YO YO: Sneaky m*therf*cker.


I don't care if they shove a scud missile up your ass.

It's my corner. Pay anyone but me, I'm coming back for your thumbs!

And that didn't happen, what you said!


I'm gonna kill you!

GIRL: Good luck, A.J.

LANCE: If you get in trouble, go for the takedown.

Sweep kick and steamroll, the game is over.

All you're doing is making me nervous.

- Want a Nitro bar?
- Would you shut the f*ck up?

- He's coming!
- It's the moment of truth.

- Here.
- What the hell is that?

Just take it.

I'll fight you for it.

I can't!

- What do you mean, can't?
- Just take it!

I knew you'd chicken out.

He chickened out, he's scared.

He's real scared of you.

What's that supposed to mean?

You won, man!
Yeah, Tonio, you won!

BOY: I'm leaving.



FEMALE TV ANNOUNCER: One of gangland's youngest alleged leaders...

...died late this afternoon at St. Isaac's Hospital.

Turn it off! Turn the music off!

One of the state's top Mafia figures...

...was first hospitalized last year.

Authorities called Aprile the acting boss for -year-old "Eckley" DeMeo...

...currently serving a life sentence in Springfield Penitentiary.

Authorities say he was made acting boss...

...for the North Jersey Mafia two years ago.

Aprile was years old.

Damn it, I was just there.
He told me he wouldn't go today.

I'll never forget where I was this day.

PUSSY: Sorry, T.
PAULIE: He was a good man.

Let's do a toast, give me a toast.

To a great man.
To a great leader.

A great friend.

To Jackie.



- You hear what happened?
- Just now.

That's not all! I go to make a pickup from Yo Yo Mendez...

...he says it ain't my corner anymore.
It's Junior's.

Christopher, this ain't the time.

CHRIS: They're moving in!

I say we go to Def Con .

I gotta assess this, all right?

What are we, politicians?

Does this look like the Senate?

This is about respect of our thing!

Shut the f*ck up!
It doesn't concern you!

I represent you, and I'm tired of putting my tail between my legs!

This ain't negotiation time!

This is Scarface, final scene, f*cking bazookas under each arm.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Always with the scenarios.

You don't do something, I gotta question your leadership!

You ungrateful little f*ck!

Where'd you get the balls to question my leadership?

I'm just saying how it is!

I'll rip your f*cking head off and finish the job!

- You're the boss!
- That's right...

...I am. And you're lucky a man I loved died today.

Here we go, war of ' .

We should go.

You do what you're told, when you're told!

AdiĆ³s, Junior.

Uncle Junior...

...I need to talk to you.

I came in heavy, like you said, but I don't want to use it.

Our friend Jackie has died.

I heard.

And we need a leader.

We do.

I don't want any confusion or misunderstanding.


Sopranos have been waiting a long time to take the reins.

That's why I want it to be you, Uncle Jun.

This is your decision?

It is.

You speak for the captains?

I can.

Come here.

You crazy cetriolo.

You had me worried there.

You think I'm gonna mess with a guy like you?

You been pumping iron? Strong as a bull.

Call Parcells, give this guy a tryout.

- Come here.
- Always the bullshitter.

Just one thing, one thing.

You know I can't be perceived to lose face, right?



...and the Paving Union.

That's my asking price.


You know the rules.

I almost got in a fight today.


With Jeremy Piocosta.

I take French with his brother, he's such a poser.

- Who won?
- No one. He backed out.

Phil Litto said, "Yeah, he's real scared of you."

When I asked what that meant, they all laughed.

- Duh.
- What do you mean?

Sometimes you're so naive.

What does Dad do for a living?

Waste management.

Do you know any other garbage men who live like this?

Uncle Jackie.

Why do we call him "uncle" when he's not related?

He's in Dad's other family.

Come here.


I'll print it out for you.






I tried calling.

Yeah, the phone's off the hook.
Come on in.

I guess we won't be going to dinner.

I'm worried, Jennifer.

I think I'm starting to lose it.

I was standing in line in the doughnut shop.

A man in a booth looked at me.

All of a sudden, I started shaking uncontrollably.

The lady says "next," I ran away.


You've been through a very traumatic experience.

I hate to admit this...

...but I'm afraid to go outside.

I got this crazy idea that I'm being followed.

And this song keeps running through my head.

"People are Strange," The Doors.

Where, "faces look evil when you're alienated."


Dead at in a Paris bathtub.

I think you should go and talk to Mel Gelbar.

He specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder.

You couldn't prescribe something?

I'm your date, not your doctor.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah. No.

Saw my first dead body when I was about .

Maybe .

I won't tell you about how he got clipped because it was...


You okay?

I was thinking...

I guess I live a sheltered existence.

How so?

I'm in this room for hours a day.

I guess I'm out of touch with the climate of rage in American society...

...the casual violence.

Your voice is all tight.

This week my, my friend got beat up...

...by a policeman, no less.

Oh, yeah?

It was a nightmare.


I mean, I don't know if this cop was crazy or drunk or what.

But he was raving, "prime rib, hamburger," it was surreal.

f*cking moron.

I mean, it sounds like this guy is a f*cking moron.

My friend's filing suit against the city.

The worst part of it is, our relationship will never be the same.


Oh, it wasn't your fault!

Hey, this is your session.

I'm, I'm sorry, this is...

...very unprofessional.

It's all right, you had your wits scared out of you.

Is the Xanax helping?

It's fine, no more attacks.

But you still have your doubts?

About therapy? No, no, no, no.

Giving it another chance.
Get a lot of good ideas here.


On how to cope.

Tell me why this was a smart move, to make Junior the Big Willie.

Look at him. He's content.
Thinks he's the king of kings.

Truth is, every decision is made by me.

I still worry about the money end.

That's what you do, you worry.

He doesn't know what we kick back to Jackie.

We're gonna do good.

The point is, he's got the title.
He's a happy f*cking camper.

The house is secure.

Now we got a brand-new lightning rod on top to take the hits.

Smart. Very smart.

Yeah, and now you got Bloomfield and the union chair.

Otherwise you'd f*ck me, but you wouldn't respect me in the morning.

As long as you guarantee to keep the old fart in line.

I still love that man.
I'm his favorite nephew.

Look at him, over there with my ma.

Those people went through World War II.

T, check out the government.

TONY: Shooting right to left.

They got Uncle Jun's good side.