01x10 - The Heart att*ck

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

- (Dorothy) Bye-bye.
- Bye, y'all.

And drive carefully.
This wind is terrible.

- See you next week.
- Bye! Goodbye!

- Oh!
- Oh, what a party!

Oh, Ma, I tell you, that meal was absolutely incredible.

Oh, it was fantastic, Sophia, really fantastic.

I know, I know.

- Did you see that Emma Jane eat?
- Oh!

I could not believe my eyes!

That woman must weigh pounds.

She never stopped shoving it in.

And then she had to talk the entire time.

She just sprayed food all over the table, like a mist!

I got it in my hair.
It was hitting me like pellets.

I got a piece of rice in my eye.

She could have put my eye out.

Well, I never had food like that in my life.

Now, I spent a summer in Italy four years ago.

I never ate this well. 'Course, I never ate.

Who'd have the time or the energy, if you get my drift.

- No.
- Oh, Rose.

Italian men are just the sexiest, most romantic, most gorgeous men in the world.

Of course they worshipped me because I'm blonde and feminine and young, with a great body.

What mirror do you use?

Oh, Sophia, now, you've done enough.

Girls, we're doing the dishes.
You just sit.

Fine with me. I'm exhausted.
I've been cooking for two days.

I offered to help you, Sophia, but you said "no."

You're Scandinavian. What do you know, a thousand ways to make herring?

Well, not a thousand, but a lot, and I'm famous for my Lindstrom surprise.

- What in the world is that?
- Herring pie.

The surprise is, you think it's pie, like apple, but when you bite into it, it's herring!

Oh, what fun!

It was.

My cat was named Lindstrom.

I used to make it for him on his birthday and other holidays.

Wait, your last name was Lindstrom.
You named your cat Lindstrom Lindstrom?

Yes, it was less confusing for him.

I'm gonna clear the stuff from inside.

- She's something.
- A real p*stol.

The energy she has - look at this meal she made. It's just incredible.

You know, she's starting to clear up.
We can't let her do that.

Oh, you're right. Come on.
She's done enough for one night.

- Ma, now listen...
- Oh, boy.

I ate too much scungilli.

- What's the matter?
- I got a bubble.

- Why are you rubbing your chest?
- The bubble is in my chest.

What do you mean, you have a bubble? Is it pain?

If it was pain, I'd call it pain.
I have a bubble.

Blanche, do you know what a bubble is?

I know what a bauble is.

I know what it is.
I've had a bubble.

In your head.

A bubble is something that just sits there and presses until it's chased away by a you-know-what.

No. What, Rose, a highway patrolman?

- Dorothy.
- What?

A big belch.

You couldn't say "belch"?
What is it, a Viking curse?

Well, it's not the nicest word in the world.

Right now, it would be the nicest sound in the world.

Ma, you know, you don't look good.

I'm short and I'm old.
What did you expect, Princess Di?

- I think we should call the doctor.
- I don't need a doctor!

Blanche, would you call, please?
The number's by my bed - Dr. Harris.

I hate doctors.

The only doctor I ever liked was Dr. Clyde, our vet. He was wonderful.

My mother wanted him to do her hysterectomy, but he wouldn't.

But he was willing to do her lobotomy.

Ooh!

- What, Ma? What?
- Pain.

- What kind of pain?
- The kind that hurts.

- Ma, lie down. Just lie down.
- What if I'm having a heart att*ck?

- You're not having a heart att*ck.
- How do you know? You're not a doctor.

Why do you think you're having a heart att*ck?

I'm years old, I got Pavarotti sitting on my chest, odds are it's a heart att*ck!

The doctor was out. They're trying to locate him, so I called the paramedics

- and they're on the way.
- Oh, great.

Dorothy, do we have heart disease in our family?

- No, Ma.
- How did Uncle Mario die?

Don't you remember?
He was carrying out the garbage and dropped his g*n, and it went off and sh*t him in the forehead.

Oh, yeah, right.
What a klutz.

Didn't Aunt Teresa have a heart att*ck?

Aunt Teresa didn't have a heart.

Uncle Nunzio?

Uncle Nunzio d*ed to get away from Aunt Teresa.

My mother d*ed of old age and my father fell off a donkey,

- so we got healthy hearts in our family.
- Very, very healthy.

That's good.
That's a good thing.

There shouldn't be heart att*cks or cancer, or anything like that.

There should just be a certain age where you have to turn your life in, like a library book.

You pack a bag, you go, and that's that.

I wouldn't know what to pack.

The real question is, do they have dry cleaners there?

Oh, dry cleaners die.
There's probably a slew of dry cleaners.

- Will you two please shut up?
- Oh! I'm s...

- How about if I make coffee?
- Great. Good idea. Thanks, Blanche.

- Rose.
- Oh, I'll come help.

- What if I die, Dorothy?
- Ma, you're not going to die.

Now, look. I don't want you to talk, just rest.

Rest? I could be history in minutes.
I got some things I have to tell you.

- The key to my safe-deposit box...
- Oh, Ma, please!

Don't interrupt. Don't let your Aunt Renata come to the services.

It's my death.
She'll make it her moment.

- Ma, look...
- Dorothy, you were always my favorite.

I want you to know that.

Maybe I didn't show it.
I'm not an affectionate person.

But you are.

Don't tell your sister, and keep the silver.

OK, Ma.

You know, I'll probably see your father in heaven.

I haven't seen him in years.

I wish there was time to get my hair done.

Maybe it isn't a heart att*ck.

She's . At , something's got to go.

Well, not necessarily. My grandparents lived till their s. One was .

- In Minnesota.
- So?

Rose, you know how they freeze dead people to preserve them and then bring them back?

That's like living in Minnesota.

The cold slows down the aging process.

I would move there in a sh*t if only they had men there.

We have men in Minnesota.

Farmers, Rose. Farmers.

- I'm an idiot!
- Why?

- I didn't think this would happen.
- What?

Death. I didn't really think I'd die.

Ma, maybe someday, but not today.

It could be today, and you know what?
I'm not ready.

years old, and it would come as a complete surprise.

Ma, you're OK.
You are not going to die.

- I don't want to.
- Who does?

You know, I'd settle for even just one more day.

God knows why.
Tomorrow I'm cleaning the closets.

- Ma, I love you.
- You know what, Dorothy?

- What?
- Death sucks.

- Do you want to be buried or cremated?
- Neither.

What do you want to be, flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

I wouldn't want to be cremated.
I hate heat.

And burial?
I hate small spaces.

I'm a little claustrophobic.

Rose, you're not gonna know anything. You're gonna be dead.

Oh. Well, then, burial, I guess.

But will you promise to put a blanket in with me?

- Why?
- Oh, I'd just feel more comfortable...

...cozier.

And I'd want my pictures of Charlie and the animals.

You know, the ones in the little silver frames.

And-And my pictures of the children.

And, of course, if I'm married again, I'd want a picture of my new husband.

- And the candlesticks Mama gave me...
- Rose, it's a coffin, not a condo.

This is a very depressing conversation.

Well, I want a fancy funeral. I want a big parade with a riderless horse.

And I want to lie in state, and then be buried in Arlington Cemetery.

- Why Arlington Cemetery?
- Because it's full of men.

- But they're all dead.
- So are the men I date.

And I'm sorry I never tried acting.

I always wanted to act.

- Coffee's ready.
- Oh, thanks, Blanche.

Sophia, you feeling a little better?

- Oh, my God, she's...
- I'm not dead, I'm resting.

- Of course you're not dead.
- Not yet.

- Oh, Ma.
- Don't "Ma" me. Listen.

Before you know it, I could be gone, and we won't have said some important stuff.

I love you, Dorothy.

Just remember that I love you very, very much.

And I love you, Ma...

...very, very much.

I couldn't love you more.

And you two, Heckle and Jeckle.

Thank you for letting me live here.
It was some treat.

You made an old lady feel young again. You're OK.

- We love you, Sophia.
- We sure do.

This is nice, to die with friends.

I'm gonna close my eyes now, but I'm only resting.

Oh God, where are the paramedics?

I'll go call them again. Rose, you stay with Dorothy.

Oh, Dorothy, she'll be fine.
I'm sure it isn't a heart att*ck.

A heart att*ck's bigger. I've seen a heart att*ck. Charlie had a heart att*ck.

- And it wasn't like this?
- Oh, it was much worse.

If only the paramedics would get here.

Charlie made me dress him when he had his heart att*ck, before the paramedics got there.

What, he wasn't dressed?

We were making love.

Oh, Rose, honey, you never told me.

He d*ed while you were making love?

He didn't die then.
He had his heart att*ck then...

...and he told me to dress him.

- And?
- And I dressed him.

And then we had a fight.

I grabbed a pair of white pants and I was putting them on him, and Charlie said it was after Labor Day and he couldn't wear white.

In the middle of a heart att*ck?

Oh, Charlie was very stubborn...

...and very dapper.

And then what happened?

And he told me he loved me and... then it was over.

And I put a pair of gray flannel pants on him...

...and a blue shirt, and striped tie.

And he was all dressed when the paramedics got there.

Girls, come here a minute.

Listen, it's gonna be awhile.

There's lots of trees down and accidents because of the storm, so the paramedics can't get through right away.

Oh, we have to do something. I mean, she needs help.

- We can drive her.
- That's right.

The hospital's minutes from here. If the paramedics can't get through, what makes you think we can?
We could get out there and get stuck.

- I think we ought to just wait for help.
- But she could be dying!

But what can we do?

Pray.

Wait and pray.

Aah!

What, Ma? What?

What? You're sitting on top of me, I open my eyes,

I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon.

Did you have a nice nap, Sophia?

I didn't have a nap. I d*ed a little. I went to heaven.

Oh, Ma. You just slept, is all.

You were there? Don't tell me where I went. I went to heaven.

I saw the golden light and some angels in white robes with harps.

I thought I was in Saks at Christmas, but then I saw your father.

- Really?
- He was surrounded by women.

He's in heaven.

- Did you see God and Jesus?
- They were busy.

- I think I'll go back.
- Ma, don't go.

No, Dorothy.
It's a wonderful place.

- I'm very excited about it.
- Ma, I want you here.

Sophia, are there lots of men in heaven?

- Oh, Blanche.
- I'd like to know.

Dorothy, get me my rosary.

I'll be right back.

Listen, Sophia. What about men?
Are there lots of men in heaven?

- Oh, Blanche, come on!
- You asked her about God and Jesus.

Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?

I'm not in England. I'm having a heart att*ck.

Keep her company.
I'm gonna help Dorothy.

Sophia, you know, I always thought there'd be a Catholic heaven, with nuns and priests and churches.

And then a separate, Protestant heaven, with people and cows and horses.

And then a Jewish heaven, with libraries and furriers and...

You're starting to annoy me.
You shouldn't annoy a sick person.

Oh Sophia, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.

You want to help? Be quiet.

I'll be quiet, but just don't close your eyes... all right?

Don't-Don't close your eyes.

- Did you find them?
- No.

Ooh, Blanche, what if she dies?

She's a tough lady, Dorothy.
If anyone's a survivor, she is.

If she dies, I'll be an orphan.

Can you believe it? I'm over years old, and I'll still feel like an orphan.

I know.

Oh, it doesn't matter. You lose a parent, you might as well be six.

It's scary, and it pushes you right up to the head of the line.

I know.

Oh, God, I don't know what I'll do.

I love that lady so much.

She's my family.

We're your family too, Dorothy, and you remember that.

We might not be blood, but we're here.

Oh God, I miss her already.

So there I was with no vet, and Petunia was about to give birth to her piglets.

Well, I just didn't know what to do.

I mean, I had helped deliver Bessie the cow, but Petunia was so much more difficult. She-

If I d*ed, would you stop telling this story?

Sophia, I'm sorry. I was just trying to get your mind off things.

I want my mind on things. I've got to make my peace, and I need some peace to do it.

- I'll be quiet.
- Thank you.

Here are your beads, Ma. I found them in a can of peanut brittle.

Of course. That's where I keep them.

- (doorbell
- Oh, the paramedics.

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Oh, Dr. Harris, thank God you're here.

Here she is.

So, what's this, Sophia? I hear we're not feeling well.

We? What are you, a partner?

- Where's the pain?
- My heart.

- Show me where.
- Here.

You hungry?
You want some food?

We got a lot left over.
Dorothy, fix him a plate.

- Later, Ma.
- Now, breathe normally.

I could be dead.
I won't know whether he liked it.

Sophia, please. I can't hear... and I ate at my mother's.

- What did you eat?
- Kreplach.

- You're Jewish?
- All right now, relax.

How come so many doctors are Jewish?

Because their mothers are.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Did that hurt?

No, I'm singing rock 'n' roll.
Of course it hurts!

- What did you have for dinner?
- I didn't have any dinner.

All right, tell me everything you ate today.

I don't know.
A little of this, a little of that.

Wait a minute, she had scungilli.

And I saw her eat some sausages and peppers.

I saw her eat some fettuccine Alfredo,

- and fried mozzarella.
- Are you kidding?

And then this afternoon she had the cannelloni and the mushrooms with Gorgonzola.

Bring him a plate of those.
Those were great. Rose, go!

Oh, and the Milk Duds, remember?
You had those two boxes of Milk Duds.

Milk Duds?

They're delicious. I love them. The trouble is, they take out my dentures.

Sophia, I don't think you're having a heart att*ck.

It's most likely a gallbladder att*ck, brought on by overeating.

Overeating, by the way, is a gross understatement for what you've described to me.

You simply cannot go on eating like that at your age!

You can't eat like that at any age.

But she didn't have a heart att*ck, you're absolutely sure?

I've got a portable EKG machine in the car. I'll double-check, but it doesn't seem like a heart att*ck.
She's got classic gallbladder symptoms - a tenderness in the upper right quadrant, a slight discoloration of the whites of her eyes.

- Try this. Tell me you're not in heaven.
- Sophia, I can't, really.

One bite, for God's sake!

Isn't it a little rude for him to be eating while she's having a heart att*ck?

She's not having a heart att*ck.

Mmm. That's good.

- Give me one of those.
- Hide this stuff!

- Where shall I hide it?
- In your brassiere, Rose.

Just throw it away.

I'm gonna get the EKG machine.
I'll be right back.

I'll call the paramedics and tell them not to come.

- Oh, thanks, Blanche.
- Dorothy, is he single or what?

Or what.

- Happily?
- Happily.

Damn.

Boy, what a relief.

You're telling me.
I thought I was a goner.

It's incredible. You think you're dying, you feel death enter your body.

The doctor comes, he says you're fine, you're ready to swim the English Channel.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

I want you around for a long, long time.

They'll have to m*rder me.

Though, I must admit, I was a little excited about seeing your father again.

- Ma, you feeling OK?
- I'll live.

Listen, I'm sorry if I scared you.

Honey, don't worry about it. I'm just thrilled that you're OK

and... 'cause I'm happy that, you know, I'm your favorite.

What are you talking about, favorite?

You know, you told me that I'm your favorite.

Please! What favorite?
Are you kidding?

I thought I was dying.

Favorite?

Boy, what a night.

You said it.
It sure makes you think.

Sure does.

About what?

About our policy in Guatemala.

About death, Rose.

Oh, death.

Are you prepared... either of you?

I mean, really prepared for death?

For somebody else's death. I have a stunning black dress.

Well, if I've thought about it - you know, the fact that I will die -

then how can I take seriously most of the things I take seriously?

- Like?
- Like eating, for example.

I mean, why starve myself to the point of thinness if I know that I could die tomorrow?

I mean, why not eat the chocolate cake?

- What chocolate cake?
- The chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

You know, you have a point, Dorothy.

Here we are, not eating chocolate cake, which we obviously adore, because we want to stay very thin, and then drop dead. That's nuts.

But we might be thin and stay alive.

But not forever, Rose.
We're not gonna stay alive forever.

That's Dorothy's point. And when you're gonna die anyhow, what's it matter?

Yeah, I mean, what does it matter if you know that you're gonna end up dying anyway?

You might as well do what you want to do.

Like having ice cream on the chocolate cake.

You know, I knew someone who went to this fabulous restaurant in Paris and just had watercress for lunch because, you know, she didn't want to gain weight.

And then after lunch, she walked out of the restaurant and a gargoyle fell off the building, hit her on the head, and k*lled her.

(Blanche) Oh, no.

Look at what her last meal was.

That is tragic, just tragic.
Here, honey, dig in.

'Course, it will be just my luck. I'll eat, I'll gain pounds, and live to be .

Me, too.
I'm healthy as a horse.

Unfortunately, I'll wind up looking like one.

All it takes is one little dessert and my panties cut off my circulation.

- I pass.
- Me, too.

I'm not touching that.

I put on pounds just from dinner alone.

- Let's go for a walk.
- Right, burn it off.

Are you kidding? After what we ate, we'd have to walk to Canada.

Oh, Mounties.
I love Canadian men!