01x11 - Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

You walk down a hallway and come to a wooden chest.

Lord Gray Matter, what do you do?

I poke it with my dagger to see if there are any traps.

There are no traps.

Fire Beak, what do you do?

- Billy?

- What?

You are Fire Beak.

Okay.

So what do you do?

I'm Fire Beak.

Hey, guys, I brought snacks.

Thanks, Mom.

What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?

Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.

We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.

I'm Fire Beak.

And is this the devil?

No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.

I see.

Yes, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he?

Okay, well...

You kids have fun.

My mother didn't believe in elves, fairies, or dragons.

George!

But she did believe in the devil.

And she did not view him as an appropriate playmate for her son.

George!

I'm worried.

There are incantations in this book to summon actual demons.

Is that how we wound up with you?

That's a good one.

I'm gonna give you that.

This is not a joke.

This is one of the children's games we were warned about in church.

Then tell him to stop playing.

It's not that easy.

He's finally got a couple of friends.

I don't want to scare them off.

Well, when you're ready to scare kids, you got this face locked and loaded.

All right, the other one was funny, now you're just being a jackass.

I'm glad you're both amused, but our little boy's soul may be at stake.

Come on.

When I was a kid, we were listening to Black Sabbath, all that devil music.

Didn't hurt me.

Satan didn't get my soul.

What happened to it?

You trade it for some donuts?

You had that one coming.

Hello?

Mr. Sparks?

- Hello, Mary.

- Got a minute?

Sure, what's up?

Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.

A game?

Yes, a very disturbing one.

Well, what're we talking about?

Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?

No.

Dungeons & Dragons.

So everybody's got their trousers up?

- Yes.

- What's the problem?

The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.

But nobody's touching nothing, right?

No.

Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.

- You don't?

- Nope.

I'm just thankful Billy found some friends and he ain't eating dirt and crabgrass any more.

Some point, he just got a taste for it.

On an unrelated note, you doing something new with your hair?

It looks, real pretty.

No, but thank you.

Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.

- Smells good, too.

- All right.

Byebye.

Hey, you want chicken for dinner?

I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.

I'm good.

I'll k*ll one in case you change your mind.

Now which one of you's tired of this life?

You.

Excuse me, Mr.

Nguyen?

Yes?

Hi, you don't know me.

I'm Sheldon's mother.

The smart boy.

Yes, the smart boy.

You are lucky.

To have a smart son is a great joy.

I do not have that joy.

I'm sure that's not true.

Listen, are you aware that Tam and Sheldon are playing Dungeons & Dragons?

Dungeons & Dragons?

Yes, and it's filled with demons and satanic images.

So what is the problem with this game?

The problem is, it goes against the teachings of the church.

All right.

Listen to me.

A problem is starving to death in a Communist reeducation camp.

A problem is not seeing your family for many years while you remove land mines from the Ho Chi Minh trail.

A game boys play with makebelieve demons, not a problem.

Well...

I think they can all be problems.

I'm sorry, I agree with you.

I will talk to Tam.

Good.

Thank you.

Well, bye.

Nice meeting you.

Five dollars.

So, Pastor...

How's things going at the church?

Please, call me Jeff.

And everything's going great 'cause I have the coolest boss.

I'm sorry, but I'm kind of having a hard time feeling the Holy Spirit calling you Jeff.

I'ml'm gonna stick with Pastor.

Sure.

Thank you, Pastor.

Yeah, that feels better.

So nice of you to come over, Pastor Jeff.

He prefers Jeff.

I'm sticking with Pastor.

Wait, I changed my mind.

I'm going with PJ.

Brings to mind pajamas, but that's fine, too.

Anyway, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it is demons, so it's in your purview.

It is indeed.

In fact, at a recent Young Baptist Leaders Conference, I attended a seminar on satanic leisure activities.

And?

And the important lesson is, rather than have a parent or authority figure take the offending game away, let God remove it, root and stem.

Question, PJ.

How's the big guy do that?

Simple, Sheldon needs to start attending Sunday school.

If he likes books with demons and devils, I've got one that will blow his mind.

What book is that?

The Bible, George.

Sure, yeah.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

Although, I am concerned that we may get a little pushback from Sheldon.

A little?

No, I won't go.

I don't believe in God.

Well, now, what you believe in is not the point.

Mary, if I may...

Sheldon, I understand you hope to be a scientist someday.

Yes, sir.

Well, let me ask you a question.

You say you don't believe in God, but what kind of scientist comes to a conclusion without first doing the research?

A bad scientist.

That's right.

So I'll see you Sunday morning at 8:00.

No, you won't.

I cast a second level spell of invisibility on myself.

Well, that game isn't making him any smarter.

Shelly, why aren't you asleep?

I'm studying for Sunday school.

You're reading the Bible?

That's wonderful.

I do have a question.

Sure, what?

Is there anyone in our town from the Amalek tribe?

I don't know, why?

If there is, we're supposed to k*ll them and their cows.

Well, no.

There's no Amaleks.

Told you.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and forever.

And ever.

Amen.

- Amen!

- Very good.

Now before we get started this morning, I want to introduce two new students, Sheldon and Missy Cooper.

Let's give them a warm welcome.

Yes, Billy?

I know them.

Thank you, Billy.

You're welcome, Pastor Jeff.

Now, last week, we started talking about the Gospel of John.

Does anybody have a notion as to what God's getting at in that passage?

Yes, Sheldon?

Chapter one, verse one states, "In the beginning was the Word," and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” Well done.

Thank you.

I read the gospels last night.

Suck up.

Did you know when the Bible says "the Word,”" they're translating the Greek expression "logos,”" and logos means knowledge.

Sounds like someone has a noggin full of "logos.”" Yes, Billy?

They live on my block.

Terrific.

As Ellis will come in to punt.

Five kicks, 38yard average I can't believe he's reading the Bible.

I know.

I'm actually grateful to that Dungeons & Dragons game.

It helped lead him to God.

Ixnay on the Odskay.

I'm done.

You finished it?

All of it.

Ask me which birds are kosher.

I'll bite.

Which birds are kosher?

Chickens, yes.

Quail, yes.

Owls, surprisingly no.

Well, there ain't a lot of meat on them anyway.

Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.

I am.

And I've decided to explore other religions, too.

What's this, now?

Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.

No, your database is Baptist.

That's all the data you need.

Baptist data.

What other religions you considering?

Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.

Nope.

Nope.

That's not happening.

Well, why?

As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?

Um...

Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?

I'm also looking into voodoo.

Tam, you're Catholic, right?

Yes.

Explain it to me.

Explain what?

Well, for starters, who do you pray to?

I guess, Jesus, God and Mary.

Jesus isn't God?

No, he's his son.

But you do eat him, and drink his bl*od.

There's also a ghost, but not the scary kind.

Like Casper?

Exactly.

And how does the pope work?

Well, the pope lives in Italy.

He has a special car, and a big pointy hat.

It's a wonderful hat.

And is there anything else I should know about?

Every once in a while, you have to confess your sins to a priest.

Not me, I don't have any sins.

Then you have the sin of pride.

Your religion is making me feel bad.

That's how you know it's working.

Ms. Hutchins, what's your religion?

I'm a Mormon, why?

I'm conducting a research project.

Can you tell me about being a Mormon?

Well, it started in New York, when a man found gold plates buried underground.

The plates said that, when we die, we get to go to our own planet.

Unless you're a woman, then you have to go to your husband's planet.

But that won't be a problem for me.

I don't have a husband.

All I have is a cat.

A big, mean cat.

Maybe I'll get to go to his planet.

Lonely Cheryl on Planet Cat.


I like her.

She's funny.

You're gonna love Ira.

He's a great guy.

Is he your boyfriend?

Well, he's one of them, so let's not bring that up.

- Hey.

- Is this a good time?

Absolutely.

Come in, come in.

Ira, this is my grandson Sheldon.

Sheldon, this is my friend Ira.

- Hello.

- Howdy.

So Meemaw tells me you're Jewish.

Right to it?

All right, let's do this.

Please, sit down.

Thank you so much for helping out.

Aw, Connie, you know, anything for you.

So, Sheldon, you hungry?

You want a nosh?

I don't know, I've never eaten a nosh.

No, a nosh isn't a thing, it's a... never mind.

Um, would you care for some hard candy?

Are they kosher?

Who are you, my mother?

All right, so what can I do for you?

What's it like to be Jewish?

It's terrible.

I don't recommend it.

- Why?

- Well, for starters, your life is hemmed in by ancient, pointless rules.

There's a lot of yelling, and, you're probably not gonna get into a good country club.

What about God?

What about him?

Does he play a part in your life?

Well, historically, he's gotten a kick out of punishing us.

What about Jesus?

He was Jewish.

We've got a lot of celebrities.

We've got, we got William Shatner, and Leonard Nimoy...

Kirk and Spock?

I want to be Jewish.

Hold on a second.

Hold...

I got a question for you, Sheldon.

When you grow up, are you planning on living in Texas?

Probably.

Then I strongly advise you to stay Baptist.

Maybe even wear a cross.

Why did you move to Texas?

Well, that's simple.

Medford had no Jews, so there was an opening for one.

And you got it?

Good for you.

I love this kid.

Me, too.

Mwah.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good.

Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?

No, I did not.

And the Taoists don't believe in God at all.

They believe in a principle of harmony.

How very nice for them.

Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.

Love it.

But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.

That's called monotheism.

I have a book about it if you're interested.

That's okay, I have the book about it.

Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?

I could never be angry with you.

You be a seeker of your own truth.

Thanks, Mom.

And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

Welcome, Sheldon.

We've been waiting for you.

Are you the Ten Commandments?

No.

We are one.

And zero.

We are the binary code that underlies the universe.

The ten thing is a common mistake.

I want to understand God.

Can you help me?

Did you not hear what we just said?

It's a binary universe.

God is yes and no.

Left and right.

On and off.

Something and nothing.

Positive and negative.

Male and female.

Light and dark.

But why is there evil and suffering?

Well, without evil and suffering, there is no good and happiness.

Sure.

Binary.

Shall we give him the final piece of information that unlocks the secret of the universe?

Why not?

At least one human being should know the reason for everything.

Sheldon, before the universe began...

Hey, dummy.

You're drooling all over your books.

No.

Zero was about to tell me the secret and you ruined it.

I never heard from One and Zero again.

Although, I was once visited by Nine when I had chickenpox.

He was a lot less funny than he thought he was.

Okay, "What God means to me." Who'd like to go first?

Billy.

I'd like to go third.

All righty.

Who's feeling brave?

Missy.

I'll go second.

Great.

Does anybody want to go first?

I'll go.

Okay.

Come on up here, Sheldon.

Let's hear what you got.

I've spent the last week studying what people believe, and I've come to a conclusion.

And what's that?

- I'm starting my own religion.

- I'm sorry, what?

I'm calling it Mathology.

It's based on a universal binary system.

That's terrific, Sheldon, but this is a Baptist Sunday school.

I know, I'm here to convert everybody.

- Any takers?

- Okay.

Let's go have a talk with your mom.

The only sin in Mathology is being stupid.

Welcome to the Church of Mathology.

Today, I'd like to talk about prime numbers, and why they bring us joy.

Hallelujah!