♪ See the pyramids along the Nile ♪
♪ Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle ♪
♪ Just remember, darling ♪
♪ All the while... ♪
Hey. Joel Maisel.
- Palmer Witherspoon.
Are you here with a date, Joel?
- You want another drink?
- I'll get it.
- Same thing?
- Amaretto sour.
Yikes. We'll work on that.
Amaretto sour, please, Palmer.
I'm good, Palmer, thanks.
- I thought we got Goebbels in ' .
- Stop it.
He's so white and shiny.
Palmer's a good guy.
Yeah. Bar's ten feet away.
- Surprised he didn't get lost.
Hey, I made you laugh.
♪ So alone... ♪
I like when you laugh.
You know, it's funny, but lately, every time I turn around, you're there.
Get used to it.
- You like this song?
I do like this song.
Good. 'Cause it's ours now.
We should not be doing this.
That's half the fun.
Palmer's coming back.
Yeah, I saw him asking for directions.
♪ Wet with rain, but remember... ♪
You're destined for better things than this.
♪ You're home again ♪
♪ You belong ♪
♪ To me. ♪
VICKI: No, this is the guy I met two weeks ago at the Bon Soir, the one who's going bald on top?
- TRISH: With the greasy mustache...
- VICKI: Yeah, that guy.
This blows my mind.
I know, you know?
Then he says... get this... he says "So, the cash, now" just like that.
You know me, I don't put up with sh1t, so I grab his knife and...
Do I owe you money?
Anyhow, I grab his knife and...
- I thought he'd move.
- Hey, everyone dies.
Worst part was the blood.
It was everywhere.
On the walls, on the floor.
I mean, look at this.
He was like a fire hydrant.
And I love this top.
- Salt it.
Salt it, then pour boiling water on it till the water runs clear.
Stain should be gone.
Gonna need a lot of salt everywhere.
I would listen to her.
She looks like she knows what she's talking about.
VICKI: Wonder if she has other tips for, like, bullet holes and stuff.
SUSIE (ON PHONE): Yeah, uh, Mrs. Weissman?
Hello, I'm a friend of your daughter's.
Well, she just wanted me to call to say that, uh, she's fine, nothing's wrong, she's just gonna be home a little later than usual.
She just wanted to make sure it's okay you guys keep an eye on the kids a while longer.
Who is this?
Well, I... I told you, ma'am, I'm a, I'm a friend of Midge's.
Your name. What's your name?
You had to think about it?
Do you not know who you are?
- Not at the moment.
- Where is she?
- Where's Miriam?
- Look, this is really about the kids.
What about the kids?
You know, I just blanked.
But look, I just... all I know is Midge is fine, she will pick up the kids later, she's just gonna be late.
Let's start again from the top, shall we?
OFFICER: Miriam Maisel?
- Your bail's posted.
MIDGE: Lipstick, cigarettes...
Hey, I had some Necco Wafers in here.
A little lesson that crime doesn't pay.
You got a coat? It's cold out.
Susie probably has it.
- You're not Susie.
Thought Susie bailed me out.
I was working down the street, heard some cute uptown chick got arrested doing a set.
I put two and two together.
I guess we're even.
- Hey, I threw in cab fare.
- Aw, rats.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
Called me cute, huh?
- Here, I got it.
MIDGE: Hey, I thought you were bailing me out.
- What's wrong?
- Your mother. That's what's wrong.
- So you called her.
- Yeah, I called her, and it was awful.
I mean, I forgot my own name.
How the hell does that happen?
- My mother can intimidate.
- I was Carol for a second, then I was Donna or some sh1t, then I was Mrs. Miniver for like a full three minutes.
- Mrs. Miniver? From the movie?
She was spinning webs around me, man, she was like a evil web-spinning spider death sorceress.
I almost confessed to the Lindbergh kidnapping.
They caught that guy.
Oh, sh1t. You're not gonna believe this.
- Holy sh1t.
The best comedian... I mean, the best f*cking comedian in the business...
- is right over there.
SUSIE: Right there.
You mean Lenny?
- Really? "Lenny," like you know him?
How the hell do you know Lenny Bruce?
- He bailed me out.
'Cause I bailed him out.
What the hell?
I've only known you two days.
LENNY: Machine ate my quarters.
You should tell someone.
Or have one of mine, uh, Lenny, please.
- You got a light?
- Uh, sure.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪
(WHISPERING): What the f*ck?
Susie, this is Lenny.
- Lenny, Susie.
- LENNY: Oh, yeah.
- From the Gaslight, right?
Yeah, I guess I precede me.
My... uh... r-reputation does.
Susie runs the Gaslight, but she does more than that.
Yeah, uh, yeah, I'm-I'm branching out at the moment.
I-I got some very big plans in the works.
Very big plans.
Cool. What plans?
Blank. Second time tonight.
I need some coffee.
That looks scary.
I have to appear in court.
Oh, what's more fun than that?
- A late-in-life bris, that's more fun.
Let your manager take care of this.
Manager. That's what I blanked on earlier.
- I'm a manager now.
I will get you a lawyer.
LAWYER TALK: my cue to leave.
- Thanks again, Lenny, really.
Oh, hey, I'm introducing a friend's combo at the Vanguard Friday night, you should come by.
Uh, both of you.
- We'll see.
- I will, uh, very seriously consider that, Mr. Bruce.
- Thank you.
- See you.
You get arrested, you get bailed out by Lenny Bruce.
If I got arrested, I'd be bailed out by whatever Village tinker bell has blow job money left over from the night before.
ROSE: She said nothing.
She just waltzed in, scooped up the kids, yelled "thanks" and left.
It was : in the morning.
And it was cold last night.
What does that have to do with anything?
Nothing, I'm just saying it was cold.
Where's the coffee?
Why is there no coffee?
Her hair was still wet, like she just showered.
Who showers at that hour?
Zelda's in charge of coffee.
She's acting so strange and different.
- ABE: Why?
- Why? Her marriage, Abe.
When did Zelda get married?
- Not Zelda, your daughter.
- Oh, her.
Yes, her. I know it's a horrible time, but I don't know what's going on with her.
I don't know what she's doing or where she's going.
Yesterday, after that blow-up at dinner, she just left.
And she had a place to go.
If I got mad at you at : at night, and I walked out that door, I would not have a place to go.
I'd be standing outside the door thinking, "I don't have a place to go."
She walked out that door and had a place to go.
And that call from this strange person, this "Mrs. Miniver."
Mrs. Miniver? From the movie?
Obviously it wasn't Mrs. Miniver, Abe.
Somebody stole my briefcase.
Who is this person that doesn't give me her name?
That doesn't even seem to know what she's calling about.
She didn't even know the kids' names.
I even heard her crying at one point.
I was trying to get more information out of her and I realized she wasn't even on the other end of the phone, she had gone somewhere, I was talking to myself.
- Abe, are you listening?
Then acknowledge me.
Somebody really did steal my briefcase.
It's in the foyer.
It shouldn't be there.
This is not my relationship with Miriam.
This is not how it's always been.
I used to know all her friends.
I used to know what she did.
I used to know her mind.
Now I know nothing.
It was in the foyer.
I'm very concerned about her.
I have that thing tonight.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
MIDGE: It's the fourth time in three days.
I wake up and he's just standing there, staring at me.
- IMOGENE: Spooky.
- MIDGE: He's never done this.
Well, it's pretty obvious what this is about.
- It is?
- The man whose name we do not speak.
You mean Joel?
I thought we weren't speaking his name.
He's living with you, Imogene, how can you not speak his name?
I'm just trying to be sensitive.
I don't think that's it.
I mean, Ethan's so young, and Joel was usually off to work before he was even up.
Oh, no, Ethan knows, because kids know everything.
They're like those monkeys who know a tsunami's coming before everyone else.
- They know.
- Well, what does Dr. Spock say?
- I don't know.
- Have you not consulted your Dr. Spock?
- But you have Dr. Spock.
- I think so.
Midge, have you not read Dr. Spock?
- I've skimmed it.
- Skimmed it?
Midge, you don't skim Dr. Spock, you absorb Dr. Spock, you inhale Dr. Spock.
I mean, how are your children even alive
- and you have not read Dr. Spock?
- I'm not sure.
It's everything you need to know about raising children.
I got my copy the day I met Archie.
I brought it along on our second date.
He was surprised.
Oh, shoot, I'm talking about Archie.
- He's my husband.
Yes, I know, I know Archie.
But I wasn't going to say the "H" word.
- You can say it.
- You're getting upset.
- I'm not getting upset.
- You're mad at me
- that we took him in.
- I'm not mad at you,
- it's not your fault.
- How could it possibly be my fault?
- I said that it wasn't.
- It's not.
So you're fine with this whole situation?
Well, I'm not loving it.
I knew it. You hate me.
- I don't hate you.
- You're ganging up on me.
There's one of me, Imogene.
One person cannot gang up on someone. That's math.
- You sound mad.
- I know.
I hate Joel.
I resigned as president of his fan club yesterday.
Oh, hello, handsome.
- Oh, you look nice. Chanel?
- Jacques Fath.
- Kind of.
Pretty. Where are you off to?
So, Esther's got an ear infection again.
That's because her forehead is putting pressure on her eardrums.
Did you tell the doctor that?
MIDGE: I will mention it next time I see him.
Abe, Miriam is here.
I see her.
Fancy outfit for a dentist.
Is Joel going to be there?
No, he's not.
I'm putting the exact amount in each bottle so you don't have to think about it.
So, where is Joel staying?
He is staying with Archie and Imogene.
Oh, that's good.
Why is that good, Mama?
Well, at least he's not living with that girl.
If the baby wakes up, it's a drop in each ear, and don't let her wriggle for a full minute after.
I just put her hands under her tush and sit on her lightly.
- Mama, I'm late.
Hear me out because if he's not living with that girl, maybe it's not so serious.
You said he was in love with her, but maybe he's not.
Maybe you should give him a call.
Abe, what do you think?
ABE: I told everybody what I thought should happen and everybody completely ignored me.
That's not true.
Or maybe you should go have dinner with your friends,
Archie and Imogene, at their place tonight.
Don't let Ethan bring his Lincoln Logs near the playpen.
Esther eats them.
I mean, they're your friends as much as Joel's.
- Right, Abe?
- ABE: Ibid!
- MIDGE: I've got to go.
- What? Miriam!
I'll be back later this afternoon.
Don't forget to sit on the baby.
MAN: Pardon me.
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)
Is-is this Christopher Street?
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
- Give it to me.
MAN: The judge doesn't know what he's talking about.
How do I know?
I've only litigated in front of the man, like, a thousand times.
No, not literally, smart-ass.
Uh, it's a figure of speech.
Sorry, is this a lawyer's office?
Yes, it is.
Smells like mildew.
Well, that could be me.
What's with the duds?
You got a shoot with Harper's Bazaar later?
I always dress nicely for important meetings.
When Joel and I met our co-op board for the first time, I made the mistake of wearing pedal pushers and they made us come back three times.
Is that a sandwich?
It used to be.
Here, come. Sit.
No, no, listen, Lizanne, Terminiello v. Chicago.
Douglas says the function of free speech is to invite dispute!
Yeah, that's f*cking poetry, goddamn it.
I say so, too. I'll call you later.
You're my : ?
- MIDGE: Yes, sir.
- Susie, right?
Yeah, and this is Miriam Maisel, Michael Kessler.
You going somewhere after this?
Country club? White House?
I dressed for the meeting.
You dressed for the meeting. (SNORTS)
(LAUGHING): She dressed for the meeting.
I dress for important meetings.
Well, you've come to the wrong place.
You like that?
Kirk Douglas gave me that.
He used it when he played Van Gogh in that movie.
Really? W-Wow. I-I love Kirk Douglas.
I worked pro bono for his pal, Trumbo, when he refused to name names to Congress.
You worked on that?
Oh, Michael here has defended them all.
Mainly constitutional things.
Yeah, Jim Crow, he's on it.
- Voting rights, he's on it.
- What's happening with voting?
Besides states keeping Negroes from the polls, you mean?
Yeah, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg, he was on their team.
Took four zaps in the chair to kill poor Ethel.
There was smoke coming out of her ears.
Ah, Jewish women are known to be more difficult.
This is really fascinating.
I'm-I'm gonna read up on all this stuff when I get home.
You mean right after your cotillion?
- My what?
(LAUGHS) I'm just joking.
You are dressed very fancy.
All right, let's see what we got here.
"Performing without a cabaret license." Bullshit.
You said stuff to make a nun blush, but you didn't say it in a convent, I'm assuming.
I was not in a convent.
- So, where's the crime?
Wow. "Simulating a s*x act while on stage."
"s*x act"? What?
Yeah, I would've remembered that.
Says something here about miming a whore tickling a man's testicles.
- Oh, I did do that.
- Oh, yeah, she did.
It was f*cking funny.
And apparently, you exposed your breasts.
I do not remember that.
I do, and I got to tell you, Mike, when she whipped those things out, I ducked.
I'm telling you, boy, they were glowing.
It was like a Mack truck was coming at me. It killed.
- We will fight it all.
- MIDGE: Good.
I would like to be found innocent.
I would like that, too.
Cops that hang out around outside clubs waiting to harass entertainers for doing their thing, I hate that.
You start controlling speech, you're slip-sliding toward fascism, and we saw how that turned out.
MIDGE: Great. You're hired.
It's kind of up to him.
The meeting is more to get him to do it.
Oh. Will you do it?
If you had just dressed for the meeting.
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)
- Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Kessler.
Yeah, Tom, I told you to call me yesterday.
No, this is not about the Rikers thing.
This is about the Jersey thing.
Hang on, hang on.
You will not see it again.
No, no, no. Wear it to court.
It was an illegal search.
How? They had no warrant and they busted his door in, that's how.
Thank you, Jerry.
(QUIETLY): I want to work on these signs with you.
Rose... can I get you anything?
I just have to let this pass.
I'll be in my study.
ROSE: Our daughter is in trouble, and you're not doing anything about it.
So, it's my understanding, Mr. Kennedy, that your client is pleading guilty to drunk and disorderly conduct, including obstruction of pedestrian traffic.
Guy in the yellow shirt.
- You ready?
One, two, three.
- Confidence trickster.
Who are you, Charles Dickens?
He is not a rapist.
He looks pretty rapey to me.
I'm going with con man.
You can't change your answer.
All right, orange tie, crappy suit. Ready?
- One, two, three.
- Horse fucker.
I thought we were really playing.
No, I'm telling you, that guy has f*cked a horse.
Got the judge to drop the cabaret license thing.
- Oh, great.
- Yes, thank you.
He's in kind of a pissy mood, so let me do the heavy lifting.
- (GAVEL BANGS)
- Next case.
Docket number .
Miriam Maisel, charged with A of the penal law.
Miriam Maisel, you are charged with A of the penal law.
While performing in a licensed venue, you presented and participated in an obscene, indecent tableau.
Uh, who is presiding as the prosecutor?
Leon Cranmer, on behalf of the People, Judge.
Uh-huh, and for the defense?
Good morning, Your Honor, Michael Kessler.
- And may I address the court?
- Yes, Mr. Kessler.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
Your Honor, Mrs. Maisel is as she appears before you: an upstanding citizen with a spotless record.
She is married with two beautiful preschool children.
She's a graduate of Bryn Mawr and is enormously respected in her community.
A list of people willing to vouch for her fine character would be as long as your arm.
A list that would include the venerable Rabbi Wasserman of Temple Shearith Israel.
But most importantly, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, there is no way this activity would recur.
This was a blip, an anomaly.
It will never happen again.
But it already has.
KESSLER: I'm sorry?
Isn't this her second arrest?
Yes, but, Your Honor...
Regardless of that, Your Honor, there's no denying that Mrs. Maisel is an honorable, respectable woman, and we are asking that these charges be dismissed.
Is your husband in the courtroom?
I don't believe Mr. Kessler has a husband.
Is your husband in the courtroom, ma'am?
- Well, I'm surprised by that.
He's at work.
Well, this is a serious matter, little lady.
So I'm curious as to why he didn't take the morning off to help you deal with this.
Well, maybe he thought I could handle it on my own.
Yes, Mr. Maisel is a busy man, and I see no reason to use up any more of your valuable time, Your Honor.
The language chronicled in these incidents, ma'am... crude.
- Well, I...
And also hearsay, Your Honor, reported by an obviously overzealous police officer.
Effectively, this was entrapment.
Mr. Kessler, we don't need to hear how much you hate the police.
I don't hate the police, Your Honor, but I would like to point out that no other witness has stepped forward to make any sort of complaint.
Mrs. Maisel, we all slip sometimes.
Would you agree to that?
Yes, Your Honor.
But the court does acknowledge your standing in the community, your lack of prior arrests.
- You're certainly packaged right.
- Thank you?
In many ways, it's our culture that's slipping.
Shirley Temple is a thing of the past.
- Too bad.
- Shirley Temple, Your Honor?
Surely, Your Honor, these are salient points.
Now, I'll consider dismissal after some assurance that you'll no longer engage in actions to the detriment of the moral health of those around you.
- Moral health? Oh, come on.
- Excuse me.
- Your Honor...
- Look, ev-everyone in that audience was so plastered, they didn't know
- what the hell was going on, anyway.
- What was that?
It's a coffee house, it's just coffee, there's no booze.
- Sit down, young man.
- Well, at least he said "young."
Your Honor, emotions are running a little high here...
And what exactly was wrong with the words I said?
What's the crime there?
The language you used was foul, indisputably.
But what's the difference between me saying those words on a stage to an audience that's there to hear them, and a bunch of guys saying sh1t loud enough for everybody to hear at P.J. Clarke's?
What did you say?
With everything that's going on out there,
Jim Crow laws, voter fraud, you're taking the time to pick on a "little lady"?
- (CROWD GASPING)
- Mrs. Maisel!
Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were framed!
- Thanks, Judy.
- You got it.
Contempt of court fine is $ . Cash.
Can't you talk him out of it?
This isn't Perry Mason.
I have to go to the bathroom.
They'll let you use the bathroom.
Have you seen the bathroom? I'm not using that bathroom.
Well, then you're gonna have to hold it until you pay the money.
- What a scam...
- And go back into court
- and apologize to the judge.
- No way.
- I'm not apologizing.
- Then you're staying here.
I can't stay here,
I have to pick up my son.
Then you got to pay $ and apologize to the judge.
Not until he apologizes to me.
Then you're staying here.
- MIDGE: Joel.
What's-what's wrong? Are the kids okay?
I'm gonna ask you for something and I need you to say yes.
I need $ .
- And I need it in the next hour.
A man is gonna pick it up.
Please don't ask him who he is.
And please never ask me what the money's for.
- Just give it to him.
- (JAIL CELL DOOR OPENS)
Wait... where are you?
- Don't ask me that either.
- "Don't ask"?
Well, what the hell can I ask you, Midge? I mean...
Y-You call me up out of the blue asking for money,
I can't ask you this, I can't ask you that, I don't know if you're hurt, or you're sick, or there's a fat guy in back of you with a gun to your head.
It's crazy, I'm having a heart attack here.
- What do you want me to do?
- One hour.
- Thank you.
♪ I suddenly need assistance ♪
♪ But will I find it here? ♪
♪ There's more to you, my lad ♪
♪ Than meets the eye or the earth ♪
♪ The story you tell with such aplomb ♪
♪ I somehow can't believe ♪
♪ I'm curious as to just exactly what is up your sleeve... ♪
- ♪ What's in it for you? ♪
- ♪ What's in it for you? ♪
- ♪ What's in it for you...? ♪
- ♪ What's in it for you...? ♪
- ♪ What is it you're after? ♪
- ♪ What is it you're after? ♪
- ♪ I wish I knew ♪
- ♪ I wish I knew. ♪
I'll be damned. Abe Weissman?
Gracing the floors of my humble business?
- How are you, Abe?
- I'm good, Moishe!
When was the last time you were south of Central Park, Abe?
Was Roosevelt still president?
It's been a while, Moishe.
You too busy to talk?
For you? Never. Get down here.
Please, tell me you've come to let me fit you for a decent suit.
My God, Abe, I've been trying to get you out of tweeds since Hector was a pup.
I'm not here for a suit, Moishe.
Or something for Rosie, then.
Not that I've ever seen her wear the same thing twice.
She has plenty of clothes.
Well, then, what?
- It's about dinner. I know.
It was a terrible night.
I'm sorry it took that turn.
All that yelling, all that emotion.
- It was very emotional.
- Well, you try to make someone do the right thing, doesn't always work out.
Serious face. Easter Island face.
I know that face.
I was wondering, is there any way I can get you to change your mind
- about taking back the apartment?
- Nope. No way.
- I paid for it. I overpaid for it.
- I know.
It was mine to take back.
My son knew this.
- I'm sure he did.
- So what's the point here, Abe?
Why are you even bringing this up?
- I want to get the kids back together.
- Join the club.
And the apartment is a big piece of that puzzle.
I've already put it on the market.
You can take it off the market.
People are gonna love the layout, and it's so close to the park.
I'll pay for half the apartment.
What do you mean, you'll pay for half?
So, we're each in - .
Then, we keep it available if and when Joel and Miriam get back together.
Hmm. - , huh?
Like we did the temple seats.
Yes. Just like we did the temple seats.
And you can swing that? Place ain't cheap.
- I can swing it.
- You can swing for that, but not for a better suit?
- My suits are fine, Moishe.
- Your suits are old.
My suits are good.
(SIGHS) You know...
- Ah, I shouldn't say it.
No, go ahead, say it.
I never thought you liked me so much.
No. I like you very much, Moishe.
I don't know. We invite you over, you never come.
Well, school keeps me busy.
Shirley never sees enough of Rosie.
- That we should fix...
- And maybe it's me, but you always seemed to have a weird attitude whenever I brought up the .
- You know what I'm talking about?
The people I got out of Germany in ' ...
No, I know who they are...
At great cost, at great sacrifice, I did that, Abe.
I have nothing but admiration for the great sacrifice you made to get those poor people out of Germany, Moishe.
- You do?
- Yes, very much.
I'll take the offer, - , for the kids.
Thank you, Moishe.
Look at this.
- Look at this! Come here!
- Oh. Okay.
- You and me on the same side!
- The Allies planning D-Day.
- Yeah, yes.
And who's gonna stop us, huh?
- No one's gonna stop us, Moishe.
No one's gonna stop us.
- Hey, wait a minute, wait, here we go.
Take this for Rosie.
- No, really, Moishe...
- When was the last time you came home
- with a gift for your wife?
- Fairly recently.
All right, fine, fine, but here's some...
What are you, crazy?
Your money's no good here.
All right. Now, that's very nice of you, but this is your business, and...
Oh, no, I wouldn't hear of it.
Thank you for the coat, Moishe.
Now we just have to figure out how to get Joel to the next step.
- Oh, Joel will come back.
- What do you mean?
I mean, I know my son.
Follow-through's never been his strong suit.
Tell Rosie not to worry, he'll be back.
Yeah, Tuesday's fine.
I got a : call, then I'm in the clear.
Hey, who else is gonna...
Al, let me call you back.
- Mr. Maisel.
Welcome back, Mrs. Maisel.
I see that you've posted payment on your fine, and that you have something you'd like to say to the court.
Yes, Your Honor.
My behavior earlier today was irrational.
JUDGE: Could you speak up, please?
My behavior earlier today was irrational, irresponsible and extremely disrespectful.
I let my emotions get the better of me.
After all, I am a woman.
And therefore, I humbly apologize.
Now my original inclination was to dismiss these charges, but in view of what happened here today, I offer this: plead guilty, and you'll be sentenced to time served.
Otherwise, you can risk trial, where the maximum fine will be a thousand dollars and up to three months in jail.
- Three months?
- Now, as you consider this, please think long and hard about how generous I'm feeling right now, and about how easy it would be to make me angry again.
- I plead guilty, Your Honor.
- JUDGE: Good!
The defendant pleads guilty on all counts, and she is sentenced to time served.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Yes, thank you, Your Honor.
You're welcome, Mrs. Maisel. And by the way, that is a lovely dress you are wearing.
Hang on to my card.
Uh, I think you're gonna need it.
I'm burning this dress when I get home.
Oh, God, I'm gonna be so late for Ethan.
HEY, GET THIS: the horse fucker was a flasher, so I was close.
- Tell me it's gonna work.
This comedy thing, I'm-I'm staking a lot on it.
It's gonna affect my whole family, it has to work.
Of course it's gonna work.
No, I mean, it really has to work.
Miriam, it's okay.
I have been gearing up for this my entire life.
I have got a plan. It is long term, and I swear to you, it is gonna work.
JOEL: All right, just keep in mind that Dow Chemical always slows down around the holidays.
So, someone should drop by their Jersey plant, like now, to see them in person, check in on the pipeline.
Please don't make me go to Jersey.
- Don, you're going to Jersey.
- Oh, I don't get a say?
- Seniority counts for something, Donny.
- They like us there.
Let them show you around, take you to lunch.
Just don't get too drunk.
Ha! Good luck with that.
- Help Don out on his travel?
- Come back a conqueror.
- You got it, boss.
- Hey, you up for a drink?
The missus talked me into bowling with some couples from her literary improvements club.
- Tag along.
You and I can drink and they can all keep pretending they liked The World of Suzie Wong.
- I'll pass.
- I figured.
Hey, if you don't eat before you get home,
Imogene left you some meatloaf in the fridge.
- Oh, I'll be fine.
- Sitter will be there at : , but she knows you got first dibs on the TV.
Yeah, listen, Arch, you know, I'm not gonna be on your couch forever.
- I promise.
- What are you talking about?
This is great. You're like the pet we never had.
Yeah, well, I'm working on a plan, just so you know.
Sure, sure. Get your own place.
You get your name up in lights.
- Joel Maisel, king of comedy.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, we'll see about that.
Let's get Mason's sign-off over at Dow and then we can talk about king of comedy.
Okay. Oh, hey.
Uh, for the sitter.
All right. Bowling alley's in Jersey.
- There's no escaping Jersey.
Yes, Mrs. Moskowitz?
It's Penny on the line, again.
- Tell her I left already.
- Yes, sir.
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
LENNY: Let me explain it to you.
Let me explain Jewish and goyish to you.
I'll show you how it works.
Uh, Gene Ammons is Jewish.
Ray Charles is very Jewish.
Al Jolson is goyish.
The Army is goyish.
The Navy is goyish.
The Marine Corps is goyish.
The Air Force is Jewish.
Instant potatoes, scary goyish.
- There was a thing in Life magazine, there was a picture of this cat.
See, he's up in the mountains, a r-rope around him, in this ad for Camel cigarettes.
And it's-it's, uh...
This is... dig, his name is so goyish, it's beautiful.
Try to say it. Bob B-Y-H-R-E.
- It's so goyish, you can't even say it.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Bob Burrre.
Now, dig, Bob, it said, "Bob Bhyre, who goes up to the mountains to save people for nothing."
He risks his life to save people for nothing.
What Jew would do that?
Bob Byhre does it.
Now, dig it, uh, these cats behind me, they're just cool.
Uh, they just got back from Chicago, opening for Mingus.
In fact, I heard he was thinking about packing it in after hearing them. Isn't that right, guys?
So, give them a round of applause and don't fake it like you did for me or like your wives do for you.
Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three.
You actually made it.
I actually did.
It's my first jazz club.
- Oh, mine, too.
Pounder comes up, saying I was all drunk and belligerent.
- (MIDGE LAUGHS)
- Well, were you?
I wasn't drunk. I was stoned.
And we had finished playing for the night.
LINDSEY: What's that have to do with it?
I wasn't belligerent during the set.
Nah, you were just missing notes during the set.
LENNY: Yeah, but it's jazz.
Who can tell when you're missing the notes?
You know, in St. Louis, they pulled me in for spitting.
- Spitting, yeah.
Spitting while black is more like it.
- I've been hooked seven times.
- Seven? What?
For talking in front of people who paid to see me talk.
- Seven arrests.
sh1t, you got me beat.
Yeah, I only got the one.
Two for me.
We're talking about getting arrested.
For jaywalking or something?
Profanity. Indecent exposure.
Well, much respect, Duchess.
Is this a marijuana joint?
- Oh, that smell.
- Get ready, man, get ready.
My college roommate's sock drawer smelled like this.
I thought it was some Eastern European potpourri.
- I hold it in, right?
- If you can.
MAN: No, no, man. This can't be the little man.
Yeah, six months and counting.
What, what? He looks like he can already hold drumsticks.
- He can hold drumsticks.
He can hold a radial tire.
He's strong, this kid.
- Was I supposed to cough?
- Not if you can help it.
How do you feel?
How do I feel? How do I feel?
I'm trying to figure out how I feel.
I feel fine. I feel good.
So, what do we do? Do we do an activity?
- Take another hit.
(COUGHING): Oh, so cute.
Shoot, I coughed.
- I noticed.
Is this your baby?
- He thinks it is.
- Shut up, man.
- Oh, so cute.
LINDSEY: You got any of your own?
- A boy and a girl.
- Yeah, let's see a picture.
- LINDSEY: This one, man, it's all my wife's doing.
I come home every night.
It's still breathing.
It's a little bit bigger.
You know, she does it all and I just roll thunder.
She is amazing.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- MAN : Hey, guys.
- You're back up.
- Lenny, go introduce us.
- Oh, come on.
You can't ask me after I've taken five hits off a joint.
I can't remember my name.
I'll introduce you.
An activity. Yes.
Here, hold this.
Where the hell does she think she's going?
I have no idea.
Anyone got Sen-Sen?
- HI, EVERYBODY.
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Are you ready for some more music?
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHOOPS)
So, first time at a jazz club, raise your hand.
Wow. Only virgin.
Losing my virginity to a bunch of jazz musicians, every Jewish mother's worst nightmare.
Anyway, I was outside talking to the guys, and Lindsey here whips out his...
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
What did you think I was gonna say? His pen1s?
No. That was already out.
So, he pulled out a picture of his really cute baby, very adorable, and then somebody asked me if I had kids, and I said yes, and they asked to see a picture, and I realized... I don't have one.
I've got two kids. No picture.
I've got everything else in the world in my purse.
I've got a... look, a-a Diners Club card, a compact; one, two, three lipsticks... three.
Two lips, three lipsticks.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Nail polish, cigarettes, a corn pad, and a Kotex sanitary belt.
It comes in white now, ladies, so rush right out.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- I mean, if my kids got kidnapped and I had to describe them,
I'd have to say, "They look like kids.
"I-I don't know. The whosit's got a head.
The other one's got a... head."
- Anyone know this fucker?
- (WOMAN GASPS)
- Dr. Spock.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I had never read this, not until my son started doing this really weird thing where I wake up and he's staring at me like he's planning things.
And-and I'm thinking, "Well, right now he's small.
I can take him, but in a few years..."
So, I turned to the expert.
And one of the things he says is, "Trust yourself.
You know more than you think you do."
Are you f*cking kidding me?
- That's his sage advice?
"You got this"?
Trust me, I don't got this.
And now, now I'm thinking, "A," I could have used the money I spent on this stupid book on a fourth lipstick, and "B," what if I wasn't supposed to be a mother?
What if I picked the wrong profession?
If you're afraid of blood, you don't become a surgeon.
If you don't like to fly, you don't join Pan Am.
I-I can't change my mind and donate my kids to the library,
like I'm gonna do with this book.
- (BOOK THUDS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, my God, I'm awful.
I mean, women are supposed to be mothers.
It's supposed to be natural.
It comes with the tits, right?
The equipment is pre-installed.
I mean, are there exceptions?
What if some of us are just supposed to travel a lot?
Or run -hour diners out in rural areas wearing coveralls?
What if some of us are supposed to just talk to adults our entire life?
Oh, I never thought about any of this before tonight.
Ethan's gonna know. He's gonna look at my face when I get home and figure out he has to accelerate the plan.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I thought this was supposed to be a fun evening, filled with music and smoking pot with a bunch of strange men in an alley, and instead I'm filled with dread and doubts and I am starving.
Why am I starving?
Do they serve food here?
Is Lenny Bruce boring at home?
Like, at home is he all,
(DEADPAN): "Have you seen my red socks?"
And then he comes on stage and he's all,
(IMITATING GEORGE MACREADY): "I'm gonna put a little airplane glue on a rag and f*ck, sh1t, cock, prick."
And are those pretzels?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHUCKLES)
You got to introduce the band.
Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three.
- Excuse me, ma'am.
Guests have to sign in.
Then I will do that.
And your name is?
Are you sure you're in the right place?
- The Friars Club?
- I don't know. Am I?
- I don't know.
- Third base.
This was fun.
Ma'am, please don't walk away from me.
- Ma'am. (CLEARS THROAT)
- May I help you?
Ah, yes. I am here to have dinner.
I don't think so.
- Sorry, Kenneth.
- Oh, Kenneth.
He was talking some serious sh1t about you earlier.
(CLUCKS TONGUE) Naughty boy. Carry on.
This club is for members only.
It's a hangout for comics, not the U.N.
Just loosen up, guys.
- You can't stay here.
- Then kick me out.
Why don't you get Milton Berle to swing his dick around, knock me out into the street.
- That'll do the trick.
- Hold on, guys.
CONCIERGE: I'm sorry, Mr. Drake.
- We'll take care of this.
- No, I'll take care of this.
- Hello, Susie.
You're a giant pain in the ass.
Your ear hair is turning gray.
I'll take it from here, guys.
If she touched you, wash.
Ha-ha. We still on for lawn bowling Sunday, yeah?
HARRY: Two Scotches, please.
Wow, George Jessel looks like he fell in a vat of fries.
Did I miss your call?
- I didn't call.
- Couldn't scrape up a nickel?
Didn't want to deal with your idiot secretary.
I hate her. I hate all secretaries.
What's the name of yours?
Yeah, she's half moron, half boobs.
And % my wife.
Really? Since when?
A few months ago. I'm sorry you weren't invited to the wedding.
Mm, I'll go to the next one.
So I sent this kid down to the Gaslight, he's working up a set.
Fellow named Langford. You catch him?
I caught the whiff.
I can still smell it.
No good, huh?
Well, he helped tune the piano, so it wasn't a complete loss.
Susie, um, don't take this the wrong way, but, uh, what the hell are you doing here?
Well, I'm thinking about getting into management, like you.
- Well, there's no one like me.
- I know.
I mean, you discovered a lot of people.
Good people, funny people.
I mean, you put Jerry and Dean together, for Christ's sake.
You're the only one I can stand in this stupid business.
I love you, too.
I found somebody, and she is impulsive and intuitive and hysterical, and I think she's gonna be big.
No, Harry, she's a comic.
Female comics are a tough sell.
- What's her name?
- I'm not gonna tell you.
Then you're gonna go after her, and I'll be stuck with your brother's nephew's son's camp counselor you sent to me last year.
All right, all right. She'll remain nameless.
She's special. I mean, raw, unpredictable.
And we are going forward in a big, aggressive way.
- Well, that sounds great.
- It is.
- I just, I got one question.
What the hell do I do?
(CHUCKLES) One question, huh?
Okay, lesson one, learn how to deal with secretaries.
Call and set up a lunch.
It's a much longer conversation.
- No, the guy's name is Tanner,
- MAN: Taxi!
- and it's on Lenox.
- Right, the guy's Lanner,
- and it's on Tennox, I got it.
- You got sh1t.
- You're going with me.
- Fine, I'll go with you.
Just be gentle.
Hey, we're going up to an after-hours in Harlem.
Do you want to tag along?
Oh, I-I think I'm gonna head home.
I did pretty good for my first night of freedom.
My husband left me.
- Oh, sh1t.
Uh-oh, you need me to be understanding or something?
I can pretend to do that.
It is what it is.
Here, take this one. We'll grab another.
- LINDSEY: Night, Midge.
- MAN: Night, Midge.
- Riverside and th.
- DRIVER: Sure.
See ya, Midge.
Wait, was I supposed to make a pass at you?
Dad, you know I look up to you, and I respect you.
And I know that you've always thought that I'd follow you into the business here.
But I'm not you. I'm me.
Now, you and Mom sacrificed a lot, and you've given me every opportunity, but, Dad, I want to make it somewhere on my own.
Like you did.
Y-You came to New York without a nickel in your pocket, and you built something, you forged your own path.
So let me forge mine.
Well, that's a very sound argument, son.
You're a brilliant man... I have faith that you know what you're doing, and you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
Now, take off your clothes.
Okay, see, I don't think my father's gonna say that.
- He might.
- You're not taking this seriously.
- I am.
- You're not.
Okay, I'm gonna think of serious things to get myself in a serious frame of mind.
Uh... the atom bomb. Septic shock.
- Indochina, whatever that is.
Midge... do you really think this is a good idea?
It's a very sound argument.
I think you're a brilliant man, and I have faith that you know what you're doing, and you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
Now, take off your clothes.
♪ A life of regret ♪
♪ And maybe I'll give ♪
♪ Much more than I'll get ♪
♪ But nevertheless, I'm in love ♪
♪ With you. ♪
- You need...
- No, no, I got it.
You been downtown?
Uh, no. Laundry day.
- What are you doing here?
I've been thinking a lot about our situation... where we are.
I'm on a couch.
And you, I mean, I don't know what happened today.
I don't know what you needed the money for, and I don't care.
I promised I wouldn't ask.
But clearly, things aren't going great for either one of us.
Maybe this was a mistake.
I'm thinking of giving it another go.
What are you doing down here?
Well, I brought Ethan down a few hours ago.
He likes his bed, and he was staring at Rose in a very weird way.
Are you okay?
Joel was downstairs.
What did he want?
He wanted to give it another go.
what did you say?
Because you left.
♪ In the wee small hours ♪
♪ Of the morning ♪
♪ While the whole wide world ♪
♪ Is fast asleep ♪
♪ You lie awake ♪
♪ And think about the girl ♪
♪ And never, ever think ♪
♪ Of counting sheep ♪
♪ When your lonely heart ♪
♪ Has learned its lesson ♪
♪ You'd be hers ♪
♪ If only she would call ♪
♪ In the wee small hours ♪
♪ Of the morning ♪
♪ That's the time ♪
♪ You miss her most ♪
♪ Of all ♪
♪ Girl, you got this need to know what I'm all about ♪
♪ Well, there's something that you dig you can't figure out ♪
♪ Well, now you wanna know what moves my soul ♪
♪ And what ticks inside of my brain ♪
♪ Well, I got this need I just can't control ♪
♪ And it's A-drivin' me insane ♪
♪ I can't take it ♪
♪ Ow ♪
♪ Because I'm hungry for those good things, baby ♪
♪ With a real fine girl like you. ♪