04x08 - How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel". Aired: March 2017 to present.*
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Miriam "Midge" Maisel, has everything she has ever wanted -- the perfect husband, 2 kids and an apartment on New York's Upper West Side. Her seemingly perfect life takes a turn when she discovers a hidden talent she didn't previously know she had -- stand-up comedy. Winner of 8 Emmys.
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04x08 - How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

Post by bunniefuu »

[ABE] You're walking way too fast.

What room did she say?

Twelve. Room .

I think she said ten.

- I heard eight.
- She said .

I'll go back and check.
Should I go back and check?

Yes. Go back and check.

[ABE] Are you being sarcastic?

[MIDGE] The cab driver was an idiot.

[ROSE] We're so sorry, Shirley.

Oy, my God.

It's bad, isn't it, Abe?

Papa? You want to go get people coffee?

- Who wants coffee?
- [OTHERS] Mm-mm.

- Everyone wants coffee.
- Guess I'll get coffee.

- Oh.
- What are they saying?

- They say he's going to die.
- They didn't say that.

Well, they said he's
probably going to die.

Ma, they're still doing tests.

A lot of tests but no word yet.

"No word" means he's
definitely going to die.

You don't know that, Shirley.

- You know something that I don't?
- No.

That gypsy fortune teller
speak to somebody upstairs

and tell you the future?

- Ma.
- Because I was sitting

right here when the doctor said

he absolutely, positively
is going to die.

Miriam!

I didn't bring my wallet.

That's okay. No one wants coffee.

Then why did you send me to get coffee?

Just stay with Shirley and don't speak.

But-but where are you going?

We'll be right back.

Could you bring me a coffee?

Mm-hmm. Are you okay?

I k*lled him. I k*lled my father.

- Joel, no.
- Yes.

Yes, I'm like that guy, uh...

- Who was it?
- Who was who?

The guy in the Bible
that k*lled his father.

I don't know. Uh, Abraham?

No. He was the one who
almost k*lled his son.

- Absalom?
- No. It didn't start with an "A."

Uh, Oedipus?

- That's not the Bible.
- But he k*lled his father.

And married his mother.

Well, other than that, I'm that guy.

Joel...

- What happened?
- [SIGHS]

He, uh, he came to the club.
He had the costumes with him.

- Uh, a pineapple, a carrot. Very cute.
- I know.

Oh, there was an option
of them both being grapes.

If you wanted to keep
Esther from running off,

- you'd tie 'em together
like a bunch of... - Uh-huh.

- Circle back around, honey.
- Right.

Uh, so I thought, he's here, he's happy.

Good time to tell him about Mei.

- What did you say?
- I was nervous,

so I-I just blurted sh*t
out, and I think I kind of

mushed "Chinese" and
"pregnant" together.

I should've let one sink in,
then hit him with the other.

I don't think it was you.

Really. I think it was me.

- What?
- I did it. I k*lled Moishe.

- You did not k*ll Moishe.
- Our last conversation,

I told him I couldn't pay him his money,

and he literally told me he
was having a heart att*ck.

- When was this?
- Two weeks ago.

Pretty slow heart att*ck.

But maybe I laid the track for
him to have the heart att*ck.

Got him started, and then you
came in and finished him off.

- This is very comforting.
- You didn't k*ll your father.

- Well, neither did you.
- [DOCTOR] Room . Moishe Maisel.

The wife's a hysterical.

- [DOCTOR SIGHS]
- I... I should get back in there

to listen to them tell us nothing.

Because otherwise, it's a long time

before they come back
to tell us nothing.

Twelve. I think it's room
. Joel, Midge, how is he?

We don't know. He's unconscious.

[ARCHIE] Unconscious?

[GROANS] Jesus. I'm so sorry.

- Thanks, pal.
- No, I mean...

- I k*lled your father, Joel.
- What?

[ARCHIE] I lost the money.

If that money hadn't have
gotten ripped out of my hands...

- Archie.
- That's when all the trouble started.

I had nothing to do with this,
so I'll just be the person

- who pats people's arms.
- Calm down, Arch.

Really. It's nice you're here.

Should I go tell your
mother it was my fault?

- I'll do it later.
- [MEI] This way to room ?

Finally. I left you a
message over an hour ago.

- Where have you been?
- Yankee Stadium.

- Why?
- Because the message you left Li Wei said,

"Go to Yankee Stadium."

I've got to get a better
f*cking dictionary.

- How is he?
- [SIGHS]

- [JOEL] I don't know.
- [MEI] He'll be okay.

[ABE] Wait, what was
that? What just happened?

Yeah, I'm getting a lot of action today.

Doctor! Get the doctor.

- Why? What happened?
- [ROSE] Abe!

Get back here. Nothing's changed.

I distinctly heard a death rattle.

You just dropped your keys.

Come on, Papa. I'll hold your keys.

[PERRY COMO: "HERE COMES HEAVEN AGAIN"]

[ROSE] Okay, Abe, Zelda and
I are heading to the house

to get Shirley's things.

Try to get some rest, Shirley.

Mm.

[SIGHS]

[ON TV] ♪ Get that angel face ♪

[SNIFFLES]

♪ You don't need a halo or wings... ♪

Thank you for letting me
spend the night here, Abe.

That house without Moishe...

You can stay here as long as you want.

♪ Fabulous things ♪

♪ With eyes that lull me to dreams... ♪

Just wanted to make sure it
was working in case they call.

You're welcome to sit and watch with me.

- I could make us a drink.
- Ah, drink would be good.

[SNIFFLING] You know, Moishe and I

- have the most beautiful burial plots.
- Uh-huh.

There's a tree right overhead,

and Moishe sprung for a little bench

- so people could sit.
- Sit? Sure, sure.

He also sprung for the
maintenance package,

which means the cemetery
people have to cut the grass

and empty the vases once a week.

[BOTH EXHALE]

Do you and Rose have your plots yet?

Have you ever seen The Twilight Zone?

It's a terrific program.

No. Is it on now?

No. No, it's not, damn it.

You know, you and Rose
should really hurry up

and get those plots.

You don't want to leave any
of the planning to the kids.

[SCOFFS] Knowing Miriam,

she'll probably want to
get you a funny casket.

Like one that's shaped like
a shamrock or a schvantz.

Can you imagine?

Well, I can now.

[SNIFFLES]

Moishe wants an obituary
in The New York Times,

just like Albert Einstein.

He had the nicest obituary.

I wonder who wrote it. [SNIFFLES]

[SOBBING SOFTLY]

We never... we never got to Turkey.

Turkey? Why Turkey?

We had a plumber that was from Turkey.

[SHIRLEY SOBS, SNIFFLES]

- What are you gonna do if Rose goes first?
- What?

Oh, no. I-I'm definitely going first.

[SCOFFS]

I think God is a cruel god. Don't you?

Well, I actually think God is

more of a brilliant marketing ploy.

It's cruel that people
know they're going to die.

It's like someone telling
you the end of a movie

before you've seen it.

I mean, how much fun is it
sitting through Casablanca

if you already know Ingrid
Bergman isn't ending up

with Humphrey Bogart?

No tap dancing, no dwarves.

One song, and Bogart walks off

with the guy who hangs out with n*zi.

It is a very overrated movie.

You know, when my
grandfather was kidnapped...

Hold on. Your grandfather was kidnapped?

- Yes.
- By who?

Well, first we thought
it was anarchists,

but then we found out it
was the Ubramawitz boys

- from around the corner.
- Why?

Oh, who knows why boys do anything?

Anyhow, before we got him back,

when my grandmother thought
he was gone for good,

she said, "He's lucky.

He d*ed with all his teeth."

That's the best you
can hope for in life,

that you die with all your teeth.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Abe.

I just want you to know,

if Rose goes first, I
will be there to help.

Thank you, Shirley.

♪ Somebody's walking in my dream ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

- Susie Myerson and Associates.
- [FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]

- Uh-huh.
- [LAUGHTER]

Could you talk a little faster?

We only have one line, so
while I'm talking to you,

three other calls could
be trying to come in.

[SUSIE] f*cking working on it, Dinah!

Wait.

- Are the kids here?
- Yes.

You have to warn me
when the kids are here

- so I don't say "f*ck."
- The kids are here.

- sh*t!
- I'll have her call you back.

- Do I need to know who that was?
- [PHONE RINGS]

Nope. Susie Myerson and Associates.

- Pick a card.
- I am not picking a card.

Fine.

I'll just look through
your wallet instead.

Ah. She's got other boyfriends.

You know that's not magic.

That's five to ten where I come from.

Not if you ask them
to pick a card first.

[DINAH] ... care of Dinah Rutledge.

We brought some sfogliatelle today.

- [NICKY] I don't smell coffee.
- Bye.

- Dinah, this I take personally.
- [PHONE RINGS]

- Dinah...
- Make the coffee yourself, Nicky.

Susie Myerson and Associates.

- [NICKY] Where are the coffee filters?
- Yes, we handle him.

They're talking about me.

You know I'm doing something here.

I will have to check the calendar

and talk to Miss Myerson about that.

Look, I'll call you back.

- [RECEIVER CLICKS]
- [SIGHS] You know, you should get a second line in here.

[SUSIE] f*ck you, Frank!

- Wait, the kids are still here?
- [PHONE RINGS]

- [FRANK] Yep.
- g*dd*mn it.

Susie Myerson and Associates.

- [MAGGIE] Dinah!
- Can you hold, please?

What do you got, Maggie?

Someone calling about
that weird magic guy.

- Does he do birthday parties?
- Hold on.

Hold on.

Does Alfie do birthday parties?

Only if it's Billy Wilder's.

I love when they talk
about me like I'm not here.

No, I really do.

You know the minute they
get another chair in here,

our relationship is over, right?

[DINAH] They asked, what if
they threw in car fare and lunch?

- [SUSIE] No birthday parties...
- I don't know what you're looking at.

- I did not bring these for you.
- [DINAH] I'm sorry, that's not gonna work.

- [KIDS LAUGHING]
- That's a big no there, Maggie.

Geez, wouldn't have thought a
magician could pick and choose.

- [CHUCKLES]
- No.

[FRANK] You got Maggie
working for you now, huh?

Well, I tell people if
they can't get through here

to call over there. You know Maggie?

I know her boss, Gil.
He paints houses for us.

Huh. I thought he was a plumber.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Susie Myerson and Associates?

Dinah, it's Midge. I need to
talk to Susie for a moment.

Hi, Midge. We don't have
any bookings for you.

I'll tell her you called. Bye.

[MIDGE] Dinah, wait...

Cissy, what's that in your mouth?

- I'm no snitch!
- [PHONE RINGS]

- [LAUGHTER]
- Couldn't be prouder.

- Dinah!
- Yeah, Maggie?

Florenz Ziegfeld's on the
phone! It's very important!

Okay. Send him over.

Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone.

- Are you sure? - Yes,
I'm sure. - [PHONE RINGING]

- The light's not lit up.
- It's on the other line.

- I thought we didn't have another line.
- The clothesline.

- What?
- Just come get it. I have to pick up the other phone.

What do you mean you have
to pick up the other phone?

Aren't you on the other phone?

Susie Myerson and Associates.

Wait, isn't Florenz Ziegfeld dead?

Yep. He d*ed in ' .

Let me check. What was that date again?

[SUSIE] Great system we got here.

This is Susie Myerson.

Too f*cking busy for me?

- Miriam?
- Yes.

Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead.

Course he is. I saw the body.

Listen, Joel's father
had a heart att*ck.

I have to get back to the hospital.

Do you think you could send someone

- down to the club to sub for me?
- Uh, hold on.

James, you want to fill in
for Midge down at the Wolford?

You know, easy money, half-naked chicks?

You promised not to book me toilet gigs.

Tell him I heard that.

Never mind. I'll think of something.

Okay. Sorry about your
not at all father-in-law.

- Uh-huh.
- Just gonna keep saying it

till it sinks the f*ck in.

Kids are still here, aren't they?

- Yep.
- Mother...

- Susie.
- Yep.

[PHONE CLATTERS IN BUCKET]

- [WOMAN] Village Voice.
- [PHONE RINGING]

- What do we think?
- I cover nightlife, man.

If the dude's not
holding a sax or a joint,

- I have no opinion.
- Find one.

My opinion is, if Nixon
wins, we move to France.

I have a rent-controlled apartment,

so I'm gonna stick it out. You?

I think he's handsome in that one,

very handsome in that one.

However, that one, he's
just plain adorable.

- Okay. What about Nixon?
- I was talking about Nixon.

Move away from me.

I've got a thing for Quakers.

Farther away. Hoboken, please.

Fine. I want you to write an
obituary for Moishe Maisel,

owner of Maisel and Roth.

He's an American success story.

Self-made garment manufacturer.

I told you about the Jews.

Why not? You wrote one
for Albert Einstein.

Well, Moishe Maisel put
a new kind of elastic

in his ultra men's breathable briefs.

So, yes, Einstein transformed

theoretical physics and astronomy,

superseding a -year-old
theory of mechanics

created primarily by Isaac Newton,

but Moishe Maisel let
your testicles breathe.

You're a New Yorker. You
know what summer's like.

Excuse me. Why are you here?

Oh, I'm Abe's personal
part-time secretary.

I do his typing. You?

I work here.

- Doing what?
- Many things.

- Right now, I'm very busy filing.
- I see the stack.

- I used to type for Abe, but now he has you.
- He does.

- Part-time.
- For now.

Full-time.

Fine. I'm canceling my subscription.

I'll read the grease-stained
copy at the library.

"What's he known for?" he kept saying.

"What's he known for?"

As if a-a man's life is measured

by how many people have heard of him?

Mickey Mouse, a known anti-Semite,

can get an obituary
in The New York Times,

but Moishe Maisel cannot?

Okay, time-out. I will call
Simon Mellman at The Times.

- Isobel, get Simon for me.
- [ISOBEL] Okay.

Simon is a very good friend of mine,

and he owes me several
favors, $ and a fiancée.

[ISOBEL] Got him. Please
hold for Gabe Walensky.

- Simon, Gabe. How are you?
- Tell him about the Jews.

- Yeah, listen, I'm calling in a chip here.
- Thirteen of them.

I need your team to do
an obituary for a friend.

- The Jews, the Jews, the Jews!
- Hold on. What?

- Tell him about the Jews.
- The history of, or...

Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here.

- The man in question is...
- Moishe Maisel.

Moishe Maisel. And he was...

- In the garment business.
- In the garment business.

There was no Roth. Moishe made him up.

- That's right.
- He never went to Turkey!

- What are you talking about?
- He had a Turkish plumber.

Kev, hold him.

Yes, I'm here.

I know, but this is a favor.

Simon, let me remind you

that you stole Diana from
me at my own birthday party.

Yes, you did, you traitorous assh*le!

And I think the very least
you could do for me now

is have one of your obit guys type up

a g*dd*mn obit for this man.

And give me my $ back!

Well, f*ck you!

Listen up, everybody.

Simon Mellman is persona
non grata from now on.

Never met him, never heard of him.

He is Nikolai Khokhlov,
and we are Russia.

- What?
- And these are the covers.

And if you have a problem
with that, suck it!

[WOMAN] All right, then.

- Sorry, Abe. I can't help you.
- Well, fine.

I guess there's nothing
to do but write it myself.

- Dody?
- Yes, Abe?

Fresh piece of paper, please.

Where is this being published, Abe?

Here, in The Village Voice.

The Voice doesn't do obits.

Great. Then it's a
brief, informative article

about a man who recently d*ed.

Dody, let's get to work.

[ANNETTE FUNICELLO:
"PINEAPPLE PRINCESS"]

♪ Pineapple princess ♪

♪ He calls me pineapple
princess all day ♪

♪ As he plays his ukulele on
the hill above the bay... ♪

Cramming for midterms?

These doctors, they come in and babble

a bunch of bullshit, and then they leave

- before you can ask any questions.
- Bagel.

And every time, a
different one shows up,

and they can't answer
the question you have

from the last guy 'cause
that's not their field.

- Bite.
- And they use terms that you can't understand,

and they talk fast and leave fast,

so I figured I'd borrow
a bunch of Mei's books,

- take notes and look it up later.
- Coffee.

But I don't know the
words they're using,

so I tried writing
them down phonetically,

but since the actual word is not
spelled the way I wrote it down,

I can't find it, and basically,
all I've found out so far

is that my father's heart att*ck

has something to do with his heart.

Thank you.

So no change at all, huh?

- And the longer he's out...
- Nope. Eat your bagel.

Hey. You see this?

- East.
- Red. Dragon.

Yeah. They've been at
it for a couple of hours.

Mei's trying to distract Ma a little.

She got nuts and tried to make
soup in the hospital kitchen.

They called the cops, so...

- I need money.
- What?

- Your mother wiped me out.
- You're kidding.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

You didn't need to let her win.

I didn't. That woman's a shark.

I am a great mah-jongg player.

I come from generations
of great mah-jongg players.

My family runs a mah-jongg
parlor, for God's sake.

And she is wiping the floor with me.

Hi.

Bagel?

- Here.
- That's it?

- Oh, no. I need more.
- I don't have more.

Joel, she has a $ buy-in.

Hold on. I'll see if I
have more in my jacket.

[CHIMING OVER P.A.]

[WOMAN ON P.A.] Dr. McGuire,
please report to the ER.

Dr. McGuire, to the ER.

Bagel?

Thanks.

It's nice, you keeping
Shirley busy like this.

Did Joel tell you they called the cops?

He did.

He also told me...

Please don't be mad, but Joel...

I know about... the situation.

Oh.

I thought maybe we could have a talk.

Oh, it's a little late
for that, don't you think?

Different talk.

We should figure out
how it's gonna work.

How what's gonna work?

You know, with you and
me and Joel and the kids.

I mean, you'll be, you know...

They'll be, you know...

- Clearly, I don't know.
- Mei, come on.

Obviously, they live with me,
but they'll be with you a lot,

and now they'll have a sibling,
and I just think we need

- to discuss some ground rules.
- Like?

Like I don't want them calling you Mom.

- Me, either.
- But they'll need to call you something.

- Why?
- Why?

Well, what if they lock
themselves in your bathroom

and they need to call out for help?

- Why are they in my bathroom?
- Because it's bath time.

They're bathing in my bathroom?

- Mei, come on.
- They're your kids. You bathe 'em.

- But they're staying with you.
- Why?

- Because it's your weekend.
- To do what?

To take them because you
are married to their father.

- Aren't you?
- [CHIMING OVER P.A.]

[WOMAN OVER P.A.] Phone
call for Midge Maisel.

Phone call for Midge Maisel.

- Please come to the nurses' station.
- Excuse me.

- Hello?
- You have to come back.

- I told you my father-in-law is...
- Yes, I know.

So sad. But see, you
made me change everything.

- Boise.
- I can see myself in the toilet bowls.

They're so clean. It's gorgeous.

- Well, that's great.
- I bought the fruit

and the umbrellas and the tampon sticks.

- The good ones?
- Yes, the good ones, Midge.

The best ones.

You demanded these
changes, and I did them,

and then all these
women came to see you.

And now you are not here,

and they are very angry.

- I'm sorry.
- I invented a drink.

- Oh, yeah?
- It is pink and fizzy and you set it on fire.

It's stunning.

I've named it "I Once Was a Man."

I see we've developed a
flair for the dramatic.

Please come back.

Boise, I gave Bunny, Mitzi and Gloria

some really good jokes to do.

How did that go?

We got a new sign to
go on the door here.

On one side, it says, "We're open.

Please come inside."

And on the other side, it
says, "Sorry we're closed."

I don't get it.

I don't think that's what it says.

What it f*cking says. I'm
looking at it right here.

- "Sorry we're... "
- "Clothed."

- [MAN LAUGHING]
- It says, "Sorry we're clothed."

Like we have our clothes on.

- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- Okay.

And on the other side, it
says, "Sorry we're clothed."

I still don't get it.

- [DRUMMER PLAYS RIM sh*t]
- [GIGGLES]

So, thanks for that bit of casting.

Look, Boise, I promise I will get there

as soon as I possibly can.

Now, I have to go.

[SIGHS]

[QUIET CHATTER]

[JAZZY INTRO PLAYS]

["FEMININITY"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Femininity ♪
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ Femininity ♪

♪ Just seems to bring
a crowd to my vicinity ♪

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING, WHOOPING]

♪ Other girls have the
same these, them and those ♪

♪ But they always manage
to stay in their clothes ♪

♪ Personality, my personality ♪

♪ Just makes them all
expect my hospitality ♪

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING, WHOOPING]

♪ When a man brings
me home, I ask him in ♪

♪ I only intend to have one little gin ♪

♪ Why do I always end
up on the tiger skin? ♪

♪ There are times I can't help feeling ♪

♪ As I'm staring at the ceiling ♪

♪ What's the point of ♪

♪ Femininity? ♪

[SONG ENDS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, my God. You came back.

You did come back, right?

- One set, Boise.
- That's fine.

One set, then I go back to the hospital.

Yes, great. Thank you. Hey.

What do you think?

Too many peonies, right?

They're overwhelming the bluebells?

Take a break, Boise.

Go punch something.

[BUNNY] g*dd*mn Boise.
Mitzi, never mind. She's back.

[MITZI] Oh, good. Ask her
which part is the setup

and which part is the joke again.

Just so you know, everything
went fine without you.

Glad to hear it.

What are you supposed to be?

You.

Like looking in a mirror, huh?

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING, WHISTLING]

Thank you.

Wow.

Such a great crowd.

It's very nice to be here, really.

You have no idea.

So I have a little
family drama going on.

My ex-father-in-law
just had a heart att*ck.

He's unconscious, and they have no idea

if he's gonna make it or not.

[MAN] Woo-hoo! [CLAPPING]

- Thank you.
- [SPARSE LAUGHTER]

We have a fan of uncertain
death in the back there.

- [LAUGHTER]
- That's nice.

Good for you, sir.

Enjoy your chess game with the reaper.

[LAUGHTER]

So, anyhow, for the last couple of days,

I have been reduced to
playing the coffee lounge

- at Beth Israel Hospital.
- [LAUGHTER]

I'm going back there as
soon as I'm done here,

and I'll spend the night
watching all the men in my life

completely fall apart.

- While eating Jell-O.
- [LAUGHTER]

It's really startling, actually.

Because we're always told,
"You're daddy's little girl."

"Daddy will protect you."

"Wait till your father gets home."

And then your father
walks into a hospital,

and he turns into a ten-year-old girl

who just had a frog put down her dress.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Now, my father...

intellectual, emotions kept in
a little bottle in storage...

he hates hospitals.

He hates the smell of
hospitals, the look of hospitals.

[CHUCKLES] When I had my
daughter, I had to hold her

out the window as he walked
to work in the morning

- just so he could see her.
- [LAUGHTER]

And then there's my husband.

Ex-husband, actually, but
we're still... something.

Now, in all fairness, I
have seen him emotional.

When the Brooklyn Dodgers moved to...

[WHISPERS] California...

[REGULAR VOLUME] he was inconsolable.

He sat in the dark, eating chocolate,

writing love letters to Sandy Koufax.

- [LAUGHTER]
- He'd try to put on a brave face,

and we'd walk past a hot dog
cart, and he'd fall to pieces,

cradling the mustard
container in his arms,

repeating the World Series
lineup over and over again.

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

And then, of course,
there is my father-in-law.

Tough, proud.

And now my mother-in-law is
trimming his beard, so if...

... when he wakes up,
he's ready to go to work.

It's hard seeing the
men in your life scared.

And with the men out of commission,

the women are left to keep things going.

Now, this is not totally unusual, right?

I mean, women could be
bleeding from the head,

and they'd host a dinner party

if the invitations
were already sent out.

- [LAUGHTER]
- But we never think about it like that.

We just assume we're
supporting the real leaders.

You look around this
hospital, you see the doctors.

All men, swaggering in and
out of the rooms really fast.

"I'm important. I have
a pen in my pocket.

I look at a chart. Hmm, good chart.

I sign the chart.

I am God, and God can't hang around.

God has to be in the
gallbladder wing in five."

[LAUGHTER]

But spend a few days in the hospital,

and you start to notice the nurses.

The nurses never rush out of your room.

They just clean out the
bedpans, draw the blood,

insert the suppositories.

They don't get to sign a chart.
They don't even get a pen.

But they hold you while you cry.

So, what does this mean?

Are women more important than God?

Hmm.

What if we discover one day

that we were always the ones in charge?

Just, no one told us.

I don't know. I don't
know what I'm saying.

I just...

don't want this man to die.

Now, let's see some tits and ass!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING]

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS]

Midge, you got a
stage-door Johnny waiting.

What? Where?

Well, this is a surprise.

I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop in.

I heard about the coffee here.

[SIGHS] Well, nice to see you.

- Wait, just...
- Hey, Lenny.

- Hello.
- Hiya, Lenny.

Nice tie, Leonard.

I know them from Hebrew school.

I really do have to get going.

I saw your show. It's great stuff.

You made three construction workers cry.

Thank you.

- You're still mad at me.
- No, I'm not.

I was a complete ass.

I'm very sorry.

I have forgotten all about it.

- You still sound mad.
- Lenny, please.

Midge, you have to forgive me.

There's a performance of
Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto"

with original period instruments

that my buddies are dying to go to,

but I forced them to come
here just so I could grovel.

They may never speak to me again.

I saw that concert.
They're not missing much.

Please.

So, Carnegie Hall.

Yes.

Someday soon.

I'd find out exactly
which day, if I were you.

Good advice.

Lenny, bar.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

It's very exciting.

These are very classy
people, these Carnegie people.

They put me up in a swanky hotel room.

They even offered to paint
the room my favorite color.

- What's your favorite color?
- I said blue.

- Is it blue?
- Who knows?

Well, you.

Okay, you're ignoring the lede here.

The people from Carnegie
Hall painted a hotel room...

a room I'm going to be in for a
total of four days, tops... blue.

For me. Me.

The greatest thr*at to American decency

since Mantovani records.

I am suddenly important
enough for redecorating.

Please be impressed.

- I am impressed.
- Good.

Which brings me to my
next reason for being here.

- Hmm?
- I got a call from Tony Bennett's people.

He's doing five sold-out
nights at the Copa,

and they wanted me to open for him,

which is a dream gig because,

in addition to him being one
of the nicest men in the world,

his craft service table
is not to be believed.

Now, obviously, I can't do it
since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.

I hear they painted
your hotel room blue.

So I talked you up.

Told them you do swell
heart att*ck humor,

- and they are very, very...
- [CLATTERING]

- What's that?
- [WOMAN SCREAMS IN DISTANCE]

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- Hey. What's going on?

[LENNY] Uh-oh.

[MIDGE] What "uh-oh"? What's "uh-oh"?

[LENNY] I believe...

[CLAMORING]

- Get up!
- You ain't going nowhere.

Come on, you're coming with me.

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

- Yep. You're being raided.
- I am?

- We got to move.
- [BOISE] Cops!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Everyone, out!

Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!

[SCREAMING, CLAMORING]

I got the books!

- Both sets?
- Yep!

[MIDGE] Wait, wait.

Oh!

- [SCREAMING]
- Let's get out of here.

[BOISE] Bunny, Mitzi, you got to move!

You know, I'm getting a
little tired of everyone

telling me what to do,
where to go, what a joke is.

[MITZI] Oh, crap! I lost an earring.

We're being raided!

What am I gonna do with one earring?!

Two ears! I got two ears!

- Stay down! Come on, come on.
- [MITZI GROANS]

- [FRANTIC CHATTER]
- [WOMAN] Forget the feathers! Just grab the pearls!

- [LENNY] Midge!
- I can't find my things.

Buy more things. Let's go.

[FRANTIC CHATTER CONTINUES]

- Come with us.
- Nope.

I'm fiddling on the Titanic tonight. Go.

[WOMAN] Hurry, hurry. Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry!

- [SHUDDERING]
- [MUTTERING]

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[MIDGE] My shoes, my feet. It's cold.

[LENNY] You'd be terrible to
go on the lam with, by the way.

- Can't you carry me?
- Carry you?

Yeah, you know, throw
me over your shoulder.

Who am I, Santa Claus?
You're a young, strong woman.

Here.

- What do I do with this?
- [SIREN WAILING]

Fill me in on what's going
on with Castro and the rebels.

- Put it on your head.
- Where are you going?

I have to get you to shelter.

Aren't you gonna pay for the papers?

- It's a snowstorm.
- So what?

- The man has to make a living.
- How do you know?

The newsstand could be a hobby.

If I had my purse, I'd pay.

- If I had your purse, I'd pay.
- Wh-what if there's a hell?

- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What if the rabbis are wrong

and there is a hell and this is
the moment our fate is decided?

Believe me, honey, if there's
a hell, I'm the headliner.

Where are we going?

[WIND HOWLING]

♪ ♪

[ELEGANT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

How you doing? You okay?

Ten minutes in the elements.

Do you need me to call a
hairdresser or a priest?

I'm fine.

- This place is nice.
- Carnegie Hall.

Ooh, they're having a
hat sale at B. Altman's.

If only I still had
my employee discount,

I'd get a discount on a discount.

- Give me that.
- [GROANING]

Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
Rough weather out there.

It is indeed.

You hear that? "Mr. Bruce."

You play Carnegie Hall,
you get "Mr. Bruce."

- Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
- [TAPS BUTTON]

[BELL DINGS]

- [INHALES SHARPLY] Whew.
- After you.

- Ah.
- Well, what do you think?

Very nice, Mr. Bruce.

Carnegie Hall.

So, drink? Food? Something absorbent?

- Towel, please.
- [SNAPS FINGERS]

Oh, I'm so sorry, girls.

Wasn't supposed to end like this.

Are you talking to your shoes?

No. Shh.

- [SHOES DROP TO FLOOR]
- That's okay.

I'm gonna have a very serious
talk later with my dickie.

- Dickie? Like...
- Yes.

- Not...
- No.

- Nice.
- It was the funniest garment

I could come up with in the moment.

Keeping a safe distance?

Respectful distance, I'd like to say.

Are you afraid of me
'cause I talk to my shoes?

Some men find that wildly attractive.

I think there are many things about you

men would find wildly attractive.

You know you can sit
on the entire chair.

I'm fine.

You look like one of the Wallendas,

balancing there like that.

It...

I'm wearing... I'm good.

Your what?

What are you wearing?

My show corset.

[LAUGHS]

- You have a show corset?
- Yes.

How is this different from,
say, your dentist corset?

It's much more likely to suffocate me.

- It's also prettier.
- Yep.

It's always the pretty
ones who try to k*ll you.

Oh, boy.

- What? I did not plan this.
- Getting me back here?

Innocent. Get Roy Cohn
on the phone right now.

You mean you didn't
alter the atmosphere,

causing it to snow,
and then organize a raid

at the exact moment I came offstage?

What, I'm not important enough

to go through all that trouble for?

You are more important than God.

You paid attention.

To you?

Always.

Midge?

Yeah?

I got to see the show corset.

- Lenny.
- I'm sorry.

I'm an observer of the human condition.

It's the way God made me.

Okay.

If we do this...

Oops.

If we take our clothes off

and we do some very blue
things in this very blue room...

Wow, do I not know
which way this is going.

I need you to look me in
the eye first and promise

that you will never, ever forget

that I am very, very funny.

First and foremost.

I'm serious, Lenny.

I will be laughing
through the entire thing.

I promise.

[BLOSSOM DEARIE: "SOMEONE
TO WATCH OVER ME"]

♪ There's a saying old,
says that love is blind ♪

♪ Still we're often told,
"Seek and ye shall find" ♪

♪ So I'm going to seek a certain lad ♪

♪ I've had in mind ♪

Yep.

Just like mine.

♪ I'd like to add his initial ♪

♪ To my monogram ♪

♪ Tell me ♪

♪ Where is the shepherd ♪

♪ For this lost lamb? ♪

I lied.

I'm only gonna laugh at the end.

♪ There's a somebody ♪

♪ I'm longing to see ♪

♪ I hope that he ♪

- [LENNY] Nope.
- ♪ Turns out to be ♪

I'll be right back.

♪ Someone to watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

[LIGHT BUZZING]

♪ I'm a little lamb ♪

♪ Who's lost in the wood ♪

♪ I know I could ♪

- [PHONE RINGING]
- ♪ Always be good ♪

[LENNY] Hello?

[PHONE CONVERSATION
CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

♪ To one who'd watch ♪

♪ Over me... ♪

[LENNY] Goodbye.

So, apparently, being Mr. Bruce means

you're the one who has to bail out

the slow runners after a raid.

So I was thinking...

That is not for you.

Lenny, what...

You don't need to worry about that.

But...

All is well.

I promise.

Now, get dressed.

We'll go spring the riffraff,
and then I'll take you

for some truly terrible
Chinese food, okay?

♪ Someone ♪

♪ To watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

[SONG ENDS]

- Abe! Abe!
- Hmm?

I didn't know you were still here.

Someone called a while
ago, said you needed to get

- to the hospital immediately.
- What? Who?

- I don't know. I...
- He's dead. Is he dead?

- Oh, my God.
- I don't know.

They just said to hurry.

I will bite your fingers off, Isobel.

It's not Isobel, Dody.

- It's Abe.
- Abe?

- What time is it?
- It's very late.

I have to get to the hospital.

You should go home.

Thank you for your help.

You are a true Sancho Panza.

[WOMAN OVER P.A.] Phone
call for Dr. O'Connell.

Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone
call at the nurses' station.

I...

What kept you?

I... But you're alive.

I am. Yes.

You're not dead.

No, I'm not.

I just... The call... I figured...

You hoping for a different outcome?

No. I'm fine with it, obviously.

I tried to call you.

Some disgruntled employee
rushed me off the phone.

Oh. Well, that's... terrific, really.

[CHUCKLES] Just surprised.

Who's this? Do I know her?

[SHIRLEY] Oh, this is Mei.

It's so wonderful.

Do you know that now hospitals
hire mah-jongg players

to distract you from impending death?

- [ABE] Really?
- What?

- She asked. I froze.
- Ah, geez.

She tipped me, though,
so I can pay you back.

That's nice.

What's that, Abe?

- What?
- In your hand.

Oh, it's nothing.

You're holding it very tightly.

It's just, uh...

It says "Moishe's obituary."

- You wrote my obituary?
- No.

You wrote something and
titled it "Moishe's Obituary"?

[ABE SIGHS] I...

You couldn't get the
guy who wrote Einstein's?

[ABE] No. I just...

Yes. I wrote something.

Well, what were you going to
do rushing in here like that?

- I think I was going to read it.
- To me?

- Yes.
- While I was unconscious?

Or dead. Yes.

- I'd like to hear it.
- What? No.

- I'm a little curious, too.
- Same here.

You work for the hospital.

- You don't get a vote.
- [MOISHE] Abe.

Well, it-it was just a first draft,

so I hadn't finished it, but...

I just talked about your
father and the pickle cart.

We all know that story.

So, uh...

You started a clothing
manufacturing business.

There was no Roth.

It was all you. Gave you full credit.

- Thank you.
- [ABE] Oh. Uh,

Moishe brought over
the Jews, saved them.

Very nice paragraph about that.

Good... good placement. And, uh...

Oh, I found a typo.

I just found another. Who has a pen?

No one's grading you, Abe.

Yes, well... Okay.

Uh, well, after the
Jews, I-I do a long run

about whether or not God exists.

- He does.
- Well, that's been the debate.

There's no debate. He does.

Okay, I know you feel like that, but...

Abe, I'm lying in a hospital bed.

Give me this.

God exists.

For now. And then...

and then I talk about how you took us in

when we... had nowhere to go.

And... you did not have
to, but you did, and...

you asked us for nothing.

[CRYING] You made sure our
daughter was taken care of

even though she was not
married to your son anymore.

You...

were a very good man.

And I...

I miss you very much.

But you're not dead, so...

[SHIRLEY] Well, that was very nice, Abe.

I'm gonna get some ice
cream. Who wants ice cream?

- [JOEL] Ice cream sounds good.
- [ROSE] Well, I'm going to get some coffee.

- [MEI] I don't want ice cream.
- [JOEL] Just get some ice cream. Trust me.

- [MEI] Ice cream sounds great.
- [SHIRLEY] You think the machine will take a ?

- [JOEL] I doubt it.
- [MEI] I have some change.

[SHIRLEY] Since when? You
told me you were broke.

- [JOEL] Ma.
- [ROSE] Why don't you let me?

[SHIRLEY GROANING]

This is the darndest thing.

I have absolutely no
record of this phone number.

I have no record of this phone.

I don't even recognize this model.

- Where did you get it again?
- It was here when we got here.

It's the darndest thing.

The guy from Bon Soir
says Alfie has to do

two free shows before they commit.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, even I knew that
was a big f*ck-you.

Excuse my French. The
phone company called.

They can come out next Tuesday at : .

The phone company is here.

- Oh. Is the electric company there?
- No.

The electric company can come
out next Tuesday at : .

- And Marvin Nicholson called...
- [PHONE RINGING]

Ooh, phone. Hold on.

Jesus, Frank.

You leave any garlic for
the rest of the world?

Garlic's good for you. Makes you strong.

You'll be able to b*at
up all the other managers.

Moishe is out of the woods.

- [FRANK] Hey.
- Who?

My ex-father-in-law. He is awake.

Hey, show some enthusiasm.

Why? It's your ex-father-in-law.

I don't give a sh*t about
your first-grade teacher,

your pediatrician or the first guy

who felt you up, either, by the way.


Susie! Hey, I got a weird one.

Yeah, that is not a sentence you
just yell out in public, Maggie.

Just for future reference.

Some guy says he works for
Tony Bennett, and he wants

to talk to you about
booking one of your clients.

[SUSIE] Really? Tony Bennett?

Well, send it on over.

Tony Bennett. You hear that?

- Tony Bennett's calling me.
- Well, his guy is.

Well, his guy is, but
his guy is calling me

- because Tony Bennett told him to, so...
- Susie.

- Hold on, Maggie.
- [MAGGIE] Okay.

I was having a great
day for a minute there.

Lenny put my name in
to open for Tony Bennett

at the Copa this week.

The Copa?

The sold-out run at the Copa?

This... this sold-out run at the Copa?

That's the one.

Yeah, with the big
full-page ad that says,

"Hello, boys. This
show's a really big deal,

and anyone associated with this ad

is gonna be rich and famous
and very, very happy."

Bingo.

[BOTH] No opening acts.

Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie.

- Why?
- I moved.

- Where to?
- I'm dead.

- You are?
- Just hang up the g*dd*mn phone.

Okay.

Sorry.

No problem.

You want some coffee?

Uh, sure.

Cream?

- Susie, don't.
- Don't what?

Okay, no cream.

You know my situation.

Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet.

Let me put some sugar in there for you.

- [MIDGE] This is creepy.
- [FRANK] That was really Tony Bennett?

Yes, but I'm not doing op...

Let it go, Frank. It's a
brick wall in a pink tutu.

Susie, do you know if, at any point,

this whole building used
to be somewhere else?

I'm gonna go with no.

- The building has not been moved.
- You know, Midge,

that Bennett gig seems
like a big opportunity.

You might want to give
it a second thought.

Thanks, Frank. Susie and I have a plan.

Is the plan to open for Tony Bennett?

'Cause that sounds like a good plan.

It's not, but thanks for asking.

Tony Bennett is a great singer.

You would work nice with him.

I would.

I'm not gonna, but I would.

[NICKY] Miriam, as friends
of yours and Susie's...

I'd say more like family
than friends at this point.

We're just looking out
for your well-being.

You should consider changing your mind.

And then you should change your mind.

He won't give us a
line till he tracks down

the origins of this phone.

Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce.

- Two lines, right?
- Yes, please.

Don't open the door.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Why are they suddenly always around?

- Who?
- Martini and Rossi.

I don't know. They're just hanging out.

Here. They are hanging out here.

Yes, here. They got this
place for me, remember?

They found the furniture for
me. They suggested the layout.

- Why?
- Why?

'Cause it's not obvious
to the eye, Miriam.

It's a lot of f*cking space to fill.

Susie, think. Why did
they do all this for you?

'Cause you're just so fun to be around?

f*ck you. I am fun.

These guys aren't pals
with people without a catch.

What's the catch?

What do you care?

They said something about a taste.

- A taste of what?
- Okay, you need to relax.

These guys are mobsters.

Hey, I know what they are, okay?

They kidnapped me for a
night, if you remember.

What are they getting a taste of?

Look, they did a favor for me.

Someday, I will do a favor
for them. That's how it works.

What favor? You have nothing
to give guys who want a favor.

- I have, too.
- I am the favor.

Okay. We are done here.

Susie, please listen to me.

Boy, I have to tell you, one thing I am

very tired of doing right now,
Miriam, is listening to you.

[DINAH SHORE: "SHOO FLY
PIE AND APPLE PAN DOWDY"]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[ABE] Moishe, careful.

- There's a step.
- There's a step here, Moishe.

Right here. Watch the step.

Shirley, I have the onions.

- Slow down, Pop.
- I am.

- I said slow down.
- I go any slower,

technically, I will have stopped.

- Pop, please.
- Joel, I love you.

You're my son. Now, f*ck off.

Zelda's a genius. She's
got everything arranged.

Your bedroom's down here.

- The dining room's in there.
- This is silly.

I'm on display here like a prize pig.

The third doctor from
the right said no stairs.

That's the fourth doctor from the left.

Third doctor from the right,
fourth doctor from the left

is the same doctor, by the way.

And this is from the man
that was dead a few days ago.

Let's get you in bed, Mr. Moishe.

Just a minute. I need to talk to Joely.

Wow. That's a sailor's
grip you got there.

Okay. I'm on the bed.

I'm sitting very still.
I'm not eating salt.

Can I talk to my son for a moment?

- Of course.
- Listen.

I need to say something here.

On the night of... the thing,
you were telling me about...

Pop, we don't have to do this.

I want you to know I heard you.

I heard everything you said.

Now, I will admit that the
timing does seem suspicious,

but I need to make it very clear
that I did not have the thing

- because you told me about your girlfriend.
- You didn't?

I do not care that she is Chinese.

- Do I need to repeat this?
- No.

I am surprised that she's pregnant,

but you have two kids and a zipper,

so not totally unexpected.

Plus, it's one more
chance to name someone

after my Grandmother Helda.

No, it's not.

You love her. You're going to marry her,

have a family, another grandchild.

That's a mitzvah.

- That, we celebrate.
- Thank you, Pop.

However, she has to be Jewish
by the time you tell your mother.

- What?
- It's easy. She meets a rabbi,

reads a book, takes a bath.

- Pop.
- I'm getting very weak, Joel.

Try not to upset me.

Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe.

- Drink up.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Rose.

Excuse us, Moishe.

Abe, my goodness.

What's the matter?

♪ I don't want no cake ♪

♪ Mama, Mama, for my sake... ♪

Abe.

And, uh, I got something for you.

♪ Shoo fly pie and apple pan dowdy ♪

♪ Makes your eyes light up ♪

- ♪ Your tummy say howdy... ♪
- [SIGHS]

Just remember, I am going first.

Whatever you want, Abe.

♪ Wonderful stuff ♪

[SONG ENDS]

[QUIET CHATTER]

Too thick. Too thin.

Too long. What kind of
bread do you put that in?

- [MAN WHISPERING] How long is she gonna take?
- [WOMAN] Shh!

Start again.

["SHADKHNTE, SHADKHNTE"]

[SONG PLAYING IN YIDDISH]

You just save me a piece
of that wedding cake.

["MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER"]

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker,
I'll bring the veil ♪

♪ You bring the groom slender and pale ♪

♪ Bring me a ring,
for I'm longing to be ♪

♪ The envy of all I see ♪

♪ For Papa, make him a scholar ♪

♪ For Mama, make him rich as a king ♪

♪ For me, well, I wouldn't holler ♪

♪ If he were as handsome as anything ♪

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker,
make me a match ♪

We're going to w*r, Vincent.

♪ Find me a find, catch me a catch ♪

♪ Night after night
in the dark I'm alone ♪

My God, that smells good.

♪ So find me a match of my own ♪

[ANNOUNCER] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It gives me a great deal
of pleasure to welcome you

to this performance of
Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall.

The one thing I'd like
to say about the label

of "sick comedian," which I think...

[SIGHS] Is there anyone out there?

I don't know, man.
Go out there and look.

No, I'm not gonna go out there and look.

Does it matter? Will it change anything?

It's fine. I'll just go out there

and entertain whatever junkie
wandered in from Times Square.

Won't be the first time.

[ANNOUNCER] ... but that
Lenny Bruce comments, reflects,

holds up the mirror, so to speak,

to the sick elements in our society

that should be reflected upon
and that should be spoken about.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And so at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,

Lenny Bruce.

- [APPLAUSE]
- sh*t.

- [WOMAN] Oh.
- [MURMURING]

[MAN] Go get 'em, Lenny.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

- [MAN] You're the best, Lenny!
- All right, all right.

Cool it. Like, um... [CHUCKLES]

I wasn't doing a milking
bit, but it's ridiculous, man.

- Hee-hee!
- [LAUGHTER]

You should dig my
point of view here, man.

You know, uh, working
Carnegie Hall is like, uh...

I dig it, you know.

- It's like a...
- [CHUCKLING]

But it's a... I had a lot of
fantasies with it, you know.

Uh, two great fantasies.

Uh, one, he introduces me

and I come out with a
violin and I just cook, man.

- [SPLUTTERING]
- [LAUGHTER]

But for an hour, man.

- [SPLUTTERING]
- [LAUGHTER]

Every Stravinsky. Heavy like...

- [SPLUTTERING]
- [LAUGHTER]

And I don't say a word,
zugnish, and I split, you know.

You go, "What was that, man?"

"I don't know. It was a
concert and he played a violin."

"He didn't do any bits?"

"No, man, he just wailed
his ass off with a violin."

Yeah.

- [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
- Excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excu...

Okay. Now, number two
fantasy is that, uh...

as this is the : scene...

uh, maybe the people who own this place

- don't even know we're here.
- [LAUGHTER]

Right? Yeah.

You get a guy who's like
a-a good corrupt janitor.

You know? "Uh, all right,
but don't make no noise

and clean up after you're finished."

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

Okay. Okay, dig.

So now you've got a
dopey cliché like, uh,

"Would you want your sister
to marry one of them?"

Which, see, has... there's
no logic there, see.

Because you got to tell me
which sister, which one of them.

[LAUGHTER]

Because if I talk to a member
of the Ku Klux Klan and I say,

"Uh, let's see, you're,
uh, years old,

you're unmarried, you're
white, you're an attractive man.

I'm gonna give you a
choice... own free will...

of marrying a Black
woman or a white woman.

Two chicks, about the same
ages, same economic level,

and you make the choice.

But you got to marry her.
Whatever marriage means to you.

Kissing and hugging and
sleeping in a single bed

- on hot nights.
- [LAUGHTER]

Fifteen years with a Black, Black woman

or years with a white, white woman.

Kissing and hugging
that Black, Black woman

or the white one.

You make your choice between the
Black woman or the white woman.

The white woman...

is Kate Smith.

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

- The Black woman is Lena Horne.
- [CHEERING]

So, then you are not concerned

with Black or white anymore, are you?"

I don't know if there's
any losers out here.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, when you break
up with your old lady,

uh, get divorced, uh,
here's the problem.

I don't know if you'll encounter it.

It's particularly a
show business problem,

but, uh... because of my hours.

I'm not a particularly
promiscuous person,

but I like to have someone,
you know, to hang out with,

- to talk to.
- [LAUGHTER]

Usually, I go out with chicks
that are between and ,

because they're usually divorced

and good and bitter, too, you know.

[LAUGHTER]

But the hang-up is,

where can you go at : in the morning?

And every chick I know who's divorced

- has got a seven-year-old kid.
- [LAUGHTER]

If they haven't got
a seven-year-old kid,

they've got a mother who lives
with them who's divorced, too.

- [LAUGHTER]
- And those kinds of mothers are real nuts.

You know, complete competition
with their daughters.

"Oh, you think I got nice legs?
I was a Charleston dancer."

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

And so the hang-up is,

at : in the morning,
where you gonna...

If you say, uh, "motel,"
semantics, that's out.

Yeah.

Really. It's got, like,
a lewd connotation.

So, I figured all kinds
of devices, like, uh,

I tell a chick "a trailer."

- [LAUGHTER]
- That sounds cute, right?

Nothing dirty about trailers.

"Hey, want to go to my trailer?"

"Yeah, okay. Where is it?"

"Well, it's in my motel room now."

[LAUGHTER]

"Yeah. I'll help you assemble it."

[CHUCKLES]

This one chick, oh, I
kind of dug her, you know?

Uh, I known her a couple
years, seen her after work.

And, uh, we're sitting
there outside of the motel,

and, uh, she says, "All right, look.

I don't want to go in there.

I don't want to be embarrassed
with the registering

and all that. You go in."

I say, "All right. Solid.
You stay in the car."

- [LAUGHTER]
- So, I go in.

Uh, "Hello."

"Hello. Um...

How much is it here a month?"

- [LAUGHTER]
- "Well, we just got a daily rate. Six dollars."

"Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

I'll tell you what.

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

My sister's out in the car, and, uh...

we had a terrible tragedy in our family.

My uncle passed away.

And I don't know if you've
ever had a tragedy like that.

Uh, we were very close to him, in fact.

And, uh, she's all shook
up. She's under sedation.

- She's just hysterical.
- [LAUGHTER]

So, I'm gonna sleep with her."

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

Time to split.

Grab a shovel and go home.

Thank you.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Excuse me.

Excuse me. Ooh, sorry
if that was a foot!

- Ah! Ha! There she is.
- [GIGGLES]

Everyone, this is Midge Maisel.

Mrs., to those in the know.

Hey, hey, hey, how's your father-in-law?

He's fine, actually. He's gonna recover.

Oh, thank God. We were
in a panic all evening.

Uh, can you all excuse me?

I have to talk to
this lady for a moment.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Lenny, you were insanely great tonight.

Really.

The people around me
never wanted you to stop.

Might've wanted you to slow down

if they were following you like this.

Lenny.

Little tip: the nicer the lady looks,

the worse her shoes are.

Wow.

This is amazing.

How did it feel?

How did it feel? Uh...

It felt great.

Been here before to see concerts,

but out in the audience, obviously.

I hear you turned down the Bennett gig.

Yeah.

I did.

Said you wouldn't
even come to the phone.

Well, that was more Susie, but yes.

Okay.

Let's put aside for a moment

that I went to bat for you for that job.

I mean, really, I turned
down their price three times.

"No, she can't work for that.

Do you have any idea
what you're getting here?"

That's on me.

You didn't ask me to do that,
so I'm the schmuck there.

- Lenny...
- But I couldn't really figure out why.

So I asked around.

I don't know.

Were you being blacklisted again?

Did the Baldwin thing
hurt you that much?

I'm at Carnegie Hall.

I've got five minutes
where maybe I can help you

before I'm thrown out of the club again.

But then I heard that you were
turning down gigs right and left.

I made a decision to do things my way.

I'm sorry, what does that mean?

It means I just want to
say what I want to say.

Why am I explaining this to you?

Why? Because my f*cking
mind is blown, that's why.

I don't understand.

No opening act gigs.

- Yes.
- That's true?

Yes, that's true.

I told you about the manifesto.

Do you understand that
this is a business?

Like anything else... you
get hired, you get paid.

- You understand that?
- Yes, but...

And the trick is to
get good and get paid.

I get paid at the Wolford.

Oh, come on. One thing
you are not is dumb.

Wait a minute. You never compromise.

You get up onstage knowing the
police could be there, or, hell,

that they are there, and you say

whatever the hell it is you want anyhow.

Why is it wrong for me to want to do

- the very same thing?
- Jesus Christ, Midge.

What a f*cking pedestal you put me on.

Getting arrested is
not a badge of honor.

Getting arrested means I can't
work where I want to work.

People are afraid of booking me.

It's exactly the opposite
of what I want for myself.

- But...
- Do you know how much I hate knowing that half

the people that come to see me
are hoping I'm gonna get popped?

Hoping they'll have some great
story to tell their friends

over cheese and crackers?

I want people to f*cking laugh.

Think and laugh, sure, but laugh.

I'm a comic.

An entertainer.

Baggy pants, banana peels.

I'm not the stand-up messiah.

This is what I want.

This is what I have worked for.

Don't you want this?

Don't you want to be here?

Don't you want to know a
thousand mental patients

braved a f*cking snowstorm to see you?

- That should be the goal.
- How do you know it's not?

Because you're not gonna get here

hiding yourself away in a club
that technically doesn't exist.

- I'm not hiding.
- You sure as f*ck are hiding.

So what you got dumped by Baldwin?

Who gives a sh*t? Go get another gig.

And another and another.

So I'm just supposed to get fired

from one job after another?

Yes. If that's what it takes.

Listen to me.

I have made a lot of mistakes

and I am gonna keep
making a lot of mistakes,

but one thing is
crystal clear in my mind

and it's what the endgame is.

Oh, really? So that's
what the bag in your...

No. Do not make this about me.

This is about you.

You wanted me to remember
you're funny, right?

That night?

You didn't want me to
think of you as just a girl.

You wanted me to think
of you as a comic.

Well, don't you forget
that I'm a comic, too.

Don't you dare look at
me as someone to be pitied

or helped or fixed.

I do not want or need
that, especially from you.

- I don't want to fix you.
- Ninety percent of this game

is how they see you.

They see you hanging with Tony Bennett,

they think you deserve to be there.

They see you hauled off to jail

for saying "f*ck" at a strip club,

they think you deserve that also.

Wise up.

I'm not hiding.

I have a plan.

Don't plan!

Work.

Just work and keep working.

There is a moment in this business,

window's open.

If you miss it, it closes.

Just don't...

If you blow this, Midge, I swear...

... you will break my f*cking heart.

[CHATTER, LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]

- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
- [ALEXANDER WELLS: "FRIDAY AFTERNOONS, OP. : CUCKOO!"]

- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
- ♪ What do you do? ♪

- [WIND HOWLING]
- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

♪ In April ♪

♪ I open my bill ♪

♪ In May ♪

♪ I sing night and day ♪

♪ In June ♪

- ♪ I change my tune ♪
- [GRUNTING]

♪ In July, far, far I fly ♪

♪ In August ♪

♪ Away ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ I must ♪

[WIND HOWLING]

♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

- ♪ What do you do? ♪
- [LIVELY CHATTER]

- [GROUP] ♪ Come on ♪
- [WOMAN] Kennedy/Johnson!

- [HONKING] We did it!
- ♪ And vote for Kennedy ♪

- ♪ Vote for Kennedy ♪
- [CHEERING]

- ♪ And we'll come out on top ♪
- [WHOOPING]

♪ Oops, there goes the opp... ♪

♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

- [PANTING]
- ♪ In June ♪

♪ I change my tune ♪

♪ In July, far, far I fly ♪

♪ In August ♪

♪ Away ♪

- ♪ I must ♪
- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

[SPARKS: "HOW DO I
GET TO CARNEGIE HALL?"]

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ To get yourself to Carnegie Hall ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall ♪

♪ Technical facility ♪

♪ Old-word sensibility ♪

♪ All of this ♪

♪ I did for you ♪

♪ Still there is ♪

♪ No sign of you ♪

♪ I practiced, I practiced ♪

♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪

♪ I practiced, I practiced ♪

♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪

♪ I was ready, I was ready ♪

♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪

♪ Still there is ♪

♪ No sign of you ♪

♪ Still there is ♪

♪ No sign of you ♪

♪ Steinway, Steinway, Steinway ♪

♪ Steinway, Steinway ♪

♪ Steinway, Steinway, Steinway ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ To get yourself to Carnegie Hall ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall ♪

♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪

♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪

♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪

♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪

♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪

♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪

♪ Practice ♪

♪ Practice ♪

♪ They loved it, they showed it ♪

♪ The audience was deafening ♪

♪ I was ready, I was ready ♪

♪ The critics all said, "Riveting" ♪

♪ On the Steinway, on the Steinway ♪

♪ I guess it doesn't mean a thing ♪

- ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪
- ♪ Still there is ♪

♪ No sign of you ♪

- ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪
- ♪ Still there is ♪

♪ No sign of you ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪

♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
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