01x06 - Episode 6

I always thought there was something between us.

Oh, okay.

Um SALLY: So much weird stuff's happened.

I just want a family, and I want to have a baby.

We really want to think about having a baby.

We've been looking around for a guy.

- Yeah, and it's just trying to find the right one.

- Yeah.

I'm not sure how these things work.

Oh, it's just a cup and a baster.


The baster wasn't working, so So you had s*x.

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.

Well you have.


- Oh my God.

Why did you do it?

Because you f*cked someone else.

Are you going to be doing it again?

EMMA: It really depends on Sally.

Will you marry me?

- DOCTOR: Is that a yes?

- Is it?




The taxi's here, Em.

I've got to go.



Oh, my God.

What happened?

- I think I was thrown off the bed.

- By what?

- Like a force!

- What kind of force?

- I don't know.


- Come on up.

SALLY: Sorry.

Can you help me out?

Why are you being so cruel?

This time last week I was dead.

Well, you weren't quite dead.

Is that what you want?

You'd rather I'd gone through with it?

- You'd rather I was dead?

- Of course not.

Come on.

Let's get you into bed.

I can't move my legs.

It got my legs.

- What did?

- The force.

EMMA: Swing my legs around.

Just swing them around.

They're completely useless.

I'm sorry that I I wet the bed.



When did this happen?

It's freezing cold.

It was hours ago, but I was too scared to tell you in case you got angry.

I'm not angry.

I think I'm scared of what I might do when you're away.

Are we still are we still getting married?

- Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

- Oh!

- Unless you don't want to.

- No!

Of course I do!

I I just wondered where my where my ring was.

Sorry, yeah.

Definitely can get one.

Okay, do you want some water?

Have some water.

Why did you throw it at me?

I didn't.



Emma, I'm sorry.

I have to go on this work trip.

- Otherwise I'm going to lose my job.

- Will he be there?



- Nigel?

- The guy you f*cked.

Oh, yeah, him.

No, he can't make it.



You won't tell anyone.

Of course.


Promise me there'll never be anyone else.



I love you.


You put me in hospital once.

Please don't do it again.


Have a good trip.


NIGEL: Hello, stranger.



- How are you?

- Okay.

You okay?


- I feel a bit strange.

- Do you?


Uh, just seeing you, and thinking You know, I feel a bit like, um Sick.

I don't mean in a bad in a good way.

'Cause I feel slightly ph giddy.


You know what I mean?

Well, there's, um, bags, if you need them.

Yes, thanks.

I'll try and get it in the bags.

Um, this time.


Um Sorry, it's just that, you know It's the elephant in the room, isn't it.

Although, I hope that's not what you thought when you saw me naked.




I mean, I just can't, um Can't stop, you know, thinking about the other night.

I guess we made a really big mistake.

Well, a g a fun - A fun mistake.


Can't happen again.

What do you Can't happen again?

MICK: All right, no fingering in the back row.


Heh, heh.


I wasn't fingering.

I just got my hand trapped.

Yeah, trapped up my ass.

- Hey, do you want one?


I'm okay, actually.




Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, uh, uh, ooh, ooh (MICK'S RHYTHMIC OOHS CONTINUE)

You may have the money You've got to go It's sensible It's sensible Those endless seasons That go on and on Incredible NIGEL: That's mine.

ELEANOR: Well, that's mine, then.

Okay, guys.

So, unfortunately, there's a bit of a cock-up with the rooms.

Um, we've got a situ where, uh, somebody's gonna have to share.

Well, I'd be willing to share, but I have to have my own room with specialist facilities.

Yes, the hotel got your rider.

What about Nigel and Sally?

They could share.

- DEBORAH: No, no, no.

- I don't mind sharing with Mick.

Mick will keep you up with his night terrors.

I don't get night terrors.

Who told you that?

Well, your mum.

Gosh, so I suspect it falls to you and me, I'm afraid, Sal, to, uh, hole up together.

- Well, there aren't any other rooms at all?

- No.


'Cause I don't mind getting a really small room.

- No.

Fully booked.

- Or by the lifts.

I don't mind the noise.

Packed to the hilt, I'm afraid.

If there's a room by the boiler, or by the generator, or - In a cupboard, or something.

- Nothing at all.

We'll have fun, though, be like a girly time.

- SALLY: Hey.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- You all right?

- Come for a cigarette?


Wh what are you doing here, then?

I don't know.

- Did I Have I done something to annoy you?

- No.

- No.

- No?

- Have I done something to piss you off?

- Why?


Well, just because you've been weird.


I'm sorry.

I don't know.

Is it is it something I did?

I'm really sorry.

I just I can't do this.



I've gotta I've gotta go.



Next up is the donut game.

One dangles, one kneels.

It's just a fun game.

Okay, Nigel?


Do you mind if I don't go with Nigel, please, Deborah?

There's quite a lot of sexual tension between us.

Well, I never said you should go with Nigel, so Sally, you're the dangler.

Nigel, you're the gobbler.


- Hold in there?

- What?

Should I hold it there?

I don't care.

Do what you want.

- SALLY: What?

- What?

Can I grab your thighs?

I need to get a grip.

SALLY: You've gotta Just keep it still.

You've been eating my fish paste sandwiches.

I don't think that's very nice, Mick.

It's just a bit of banter.

Don't worry about it.

Anyway, I like big, old whiffy ones.

That is very offensive.

I could hash "me too" about that.

You're probably smelling your own genitals.

BELINDA: Is Sally Is she joining us?

Oh, she's not um, she's not coming today.

I just thought we could maybe have a sort of a one-on-one session, - if that was okay?

- Right.

Just to keep me topped up.

How are you feeling?

How are the wounds?

I'm getting some of the feeling back in my middle fingers.



So you're a tough old cookie.

Yeah, tough old bird.

Yeah, I think it's just working through - my fears around Sally's mental illness.

- Sure.

And that's something that's been now confirmed, has it?

I know you've felt that she's, uh, got a lot of issues.

- I had a lot of concerns.

- Yeah.

And I just think, funny how I'm the one that ends up cutting my wrists.

So tell me a bit more about Emma.

How's Emma feeling?

- She's good.

She's good, she's - Okay.

Um, I'm gonna talk about her as myself.

- Okay.


- Because, you know But I still have the multiple personality thing - that I kind of sometimes go into, but.

- Sure.

I've done a couple of new songs, and I've done Um, talking through the experience of suicide, and - you know, coming out the other side.

- Right.

'Cause there's that "MASH.

" - Mash-up.

- The theme to No, the mash-up.

- Oh, the mash-ups.

- Oh, yeah.

"The MASH" Through early morning Fog I see Visions of the to be Pain (BOTH MURMUR TUNE TO "SUICIDE IS PAINLESS")

I realize and I can see (BOTH HIT HIGH NOTE OUT OF TUNE)

- But it's not that.

- No.

So tell me a little bit more about Sally.

What did Sally and Nigel get up to in that bedroom?

I like to believe that Sally didn't really enjoy it.


And what do you really believe?

- I think she really enjoyed it.

- Okay.

Chances are I think that's probably the case.

Do you think Nigel really enjoyed it?

I think he probably did.

And I've had fantasies about having him - For yourself?

- Removed.


Oh, I see.

Sort of murderous thoughts.

I thought for a moment you went into a realm where you made love with Nigel.

No, no.

Thoughts of, you know, axing him to death.

- Mm-hmm.

- Or throwing darts at his face.


What else?

Um, taping him up and putting him in the boot of a car.

- Right.

- Dropping him in a lake.

- Sure.

- Um Okay.

So that's pretty mild, really, as a reaction.

You're somebody whose lover love of your life has essentially stripped naked on a bed with somebody you don't know very well.

That somebody has an engorged organ.

That engorged organ has penetrated your love of your life.

He's taken something away from you.

- I imagine all of these are your thoughts.

- Mm-hmm.

You know, who came first?

- Did they come more than once?

- They came together.

- Did they come together?

- They came together.

How did that happen mechanically?

What angle was the pen1s going into the v*g1n* for that to actually occur?

It's a relatively rare occurrence, of course.

BOTH: Um Do you think I'm doing the right thing, to marry her?

Yeah, I think it's what she wants and what you want.

I'm not certain it's what she wants.

- Or consciously what she wants.

- And why do you think that?

- 'Cause she says she doesn't.

- But apart from that.

No reason.


Lovely name.



You look, uh you look foreign.

- I look black?

- No.

I'm Nigel.

Nigel Corn.

Like the flake.

Not the foot condition.

- Oi-oi.

- Hey.

All right.

How you doin', Nige?

Having lots of fun with Francesca.

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.


- Mick.

Get us another one of them, will ya?

Debbie wants you in for that self-esteem thing.

I don't need it because my self-esteem is already through the roof.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Looks it.

- Riding high.

- Cheers.

- Down the hatch.

Here we go.

- Yeah.

- Ah.


- It's amazing, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- It's actually the honeymoon suite, you know.

- Is it?

I mean, who baggsing the first bath?

You or me?

Do you want to splash about first, while I watch a bit of telly?

I don't I don't think I need a bath, really.

- Oh.

- Had a shower before I left this morning.

Yeah, but it's about sort of luxuriating, isn't it?

You know.

Bubbles, and Yeah.

Is it easier if I go down to the bar and then you can have a bath in peace?

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Whatever works for you, bubs.

I mean Give me 10 or 15, and then pop back up, have a dip before dinner.

But you won't have a bath Yeah, but you don't want to let it go to waste.

I mean How often can you say, "I've had a bath on a plinth"?

- That's true.

- Yeah.

- I popped you on the left.

- In this bed?

Yeah, this bed.

Yeah, that's us.

Okay, well, I'm gonna pop down to the bar.


Oh, before you go, though, can you just help me with my zip?

I've got a terrible, terrible tennis shoulder.

I've never even played tennis, so I don't know what's going on.

What, this?


That's a very feathery touch.


- Do you want it all the way down?

- Yeah, right down.

You've got, like, angel's wings for hands, haven't you.

- Lovely.

- Okay.

All right.

Don't be too long, though, 'cause this is a work trip.






- MICK: Hey, miss.

- Yeah.

- Hi.

- Hiya.

- All right, Sal?

- Yeah.

I've got my spritzer.

Is that a mezze?

- Yeah, I know all about mezzes.

- Do you?

I used to date a Turkish guy.


Is that your dead fiance?

No, he was an Uber driver.

He just never wanted to drop me off.

What, was he looking for a good place to bury you?

That's not very nice, Mick.

I could hash "me too" about that.

MICK: Well, go on, then.

- I don't know if you've heard - What?

- About me and Nigel.

- No.

I had to break it off.

He got a bit you know.

Anger issues.

- He's all yours.

- Okay.


Mind you, she's been throwing herself at him all evening.

- She's very squat.

- She's fit.

She's about a seven.

Not faces.

About a three, facially.

But I never look at the faces, anyway.

Well, anyway, I'm engaged.

So - Oh, yeah?

Who to?

- Emma.

What, to a woman?

- Yes, Mick.


- Really?

- What's funny?

- That's very modern of you.

- Yeah.

I can't quite get this around it.


God, it's Deborah.

I've got to go and have dinner with her.

- Ooh, teacher's pet.

- See you.


- Oh, sorry.

- Oh.



I must have dozed off.

I had a glass of bubbles.

I thought you didn't drink.

Oh, no.

I don't.

I mean, I used to have an alcohol problem.

I went to AA and all that.

It felt like a cult, you know?

It took away all my choices.

I'm fine now.

- I don't know what they were talking about.

- Good.

I just, um Is dinner here, 'cause I - I thought you said it had arrived?


Pardon me, madam.


Well, you can get in, now.

No, it's fine, actually.

Um, I might just run a fresh one.

Maybe later.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

- It's hot and frothy.

- I'm okay.


MICK: Are you lucky?

Are you lucky?


ELEANOR: Is it me?





ELEANOR: Get off with the person on your right.





I'm only doing this 'cause I'm pissed.



I got this new underwear.

You can tell me what you think.

Oh, that's the front.


I hate these hygiene stickers they put in the gusset, don't you?


I mean, I don't want a free bikini wax, - thank you very much.

- No.

I'm not sure if I can still pull off a thong.

What do you think?


Yeah, it's um.

From behind, it looks like you're not wearing anything.


That's the idea.


I wonder sometimes how hygienic they are.

Well, I keep myself fully waxed, you know, from front to back, so that any sweat just trickles out.

It doesn't gather and create all that stinky hair business.

Do you know what I mean?

Hey, can I have a swig of that just to take these tablets, please?


Yeah, yeah.

Do you know you've got a chemist shop there, haven't you, mate?

I know very well, mate.

I mean, I've got lots of me, uh That's a beta blocker.

I had a heart attack when I was 12.

That's me statin (INAUDIBLE)

Viagra, in case somebody gets lucky tonight.

I've got loads of them.

Go on.

Have it.

- I've got a car full.

- Cheers, mate.

I don't know what that is, but I'm taking it.

Tuck in.

Tuck in, come on.

- Chin-chin.

- Cheers.

You're all right.

You're an attractive man, you know.

Glad someone thinks so.



So I've ordered us a few tapasy bits and bobs to yum on.

- Thank you.

- And Plenty of - Bubbles.

Here you go.


I'm really sorry, it's Emma.

Should I, should I?

I'll call her back.

Yeah, I hate to say this, but I think that girl is really bad news.

She's just insecure, I think.

I think she might be a bit uncomfortable about Well, the chemistry between us, isn't it.


Yeah, that.

But I just I don't think it would be fair It wouldn't be appropriate, really, to-to - But the thing is - to let this You know, you can't really deny when there's a fire between two people.

- You know what I mean?

- Yep.


These prawns are very good.

I love a little prawn between my lips.

- Do you?


- I really do.

- I might just go for a walk.

- Just get some fresh air, maybe?

- Yeah.

Good plan.

Let's do it.

- You want to come - Go for, yeah, a little moonlit walk?

Get some wine.



Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.


Oh, pardon me!

Let's go out, then.



MICK: Tonny!






Mick, save me!

Mick, s Deborah, can we go back inside?

- Oh, come on.

- I'm a bit tired, Deborah.

Come on.

We're on We're on, like, a special trip.

- I'll tell you something.

- Sorry.

- Oh, my God.

- You all right?

Yeah, no, I got cystitis.

It's playing up.

I can't I can't hold it, actually.


Do you want to go back to the toilet?

- No, it's coming out.

- You can't go there.

Yeah, I can.

It's all right.

I've got thrush, as well.

I've got double-whammy going on.




Sorry, it's burning.

It's like razor blades.


I'm worried I got a fanny lozenge stuck up there.

It's like a throat lozenge, you know, for dry throat, but for, you know, dryness down there.


Oh, that's better.

That's another thong ruined.


- You're a legend, mate.

- I love you, man.


You might want some white wine to get that out.



- You ever been married?

- No.

I was married for ten years.


Ten long years.


Day in, day out.

Staring at the same face, which you hate.


Just, you know, it sucks the life out of you.

I can imagine.

I mean, I my hair used to be jet black.

- Jet black.

- Jet black.


- Hey, Nige, how ya doin'?

- Comatosis.

How ya doing?

Can I get us a couple of drinks for this big, fat lad.

- This is Francesca.

- Hey, there.

Francesca of the exotic isles, and mysterious origins.

Just from around here.

You smell weird.

You got you miss it?

No, no, that's just Tonny's.



Hey, listen.

Are you and, um, are you and Sally gonna you know.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Oh, yeah.

Well - We have.

We've had s*x.

- What?

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

Have you had it in the office?

- I don't know what she wants.

- Don't know, mate.

I'm just trying to figure it out.

I mean, Sally, she's a conundrum.

- She is - Is a conundrum with tits.

The thing with Sally is, I mean, she's evil.


She is evil.

But I love her.

That's all I have to say about that, really.

- I love her.

- You love her?

I don't mind saying that.

Do you love somebody?

- f*ck off.

- No, you do.

Why not?

- I love my mum, that's it.

That's all I need.

- Well, that's good.

I think she's just sh1tting herself 'cause she's gotta get married to that woman.

She's gonna be in lesbian prison for the rest of her life.

Minge hell.




TONNY: Mickey!


- You ever been married?

- You just asked me that.

I was married for ten years.

My hair was jet black.

- Jet black.

- Jet, jet black.



- Mick, where is Francesca?

- Huh?

Have you seen Francesca?

I'm gonna go upstairs and take some Viagra with Tonny.

No, no, no.

I've got to find Francesca.

Keeps me alive The sparkle in your eyes Keeps me alive, keeps me alive And the world And the world turns around I need to lie down.

- Deborah, please.

Can we?

- Look.

Look at the clouds.

There's loads of them.

All them clouds here, they're the same clouds that you got in India.

- Do you know that?

- Yeah, let's go inside, now.

- Deborah.

- Yeah.


I'm really tired.

Well, I tell you what.

If you're tired, get on my back.

- Come on.

Get on.

- No.

Get on my back.

I'll take you up like a pony.

Come on.

Get on.

Can I help you up?

- Come on, Deborah.


- Come on.

- Oh, I'm gonna blow off.

Hang on.



Really strong.

I'm built like an ox.

I look thin, but actually I'm big inside.

- Come on, Deborah.


I'm big on the inside.

Oh, slicky.


- Careful.


- Okay.

- I've nearly coming undone.

- Cover yourself up.

- Come on.

- I'll sit.

You're a good kid.

- Thanks.

- Lorraine.

Thank you.


Um - Oh, you forgot my name.

- Tray No, no.

Pa Pancetta?



Stay with me.


Bah I can't remember.



f*ckin' hell, your eyes.


Ah, you know.

I like your music.

Hey, do that.

Have you ever done that?

It's not powerful enough.

That's it.

Yeah, that's nice.


Just gonna do this.

You're not a serial killer, are you?



Not anymore.

What are you doing?

Oh, yes!


Yes, tape it!

Get that taped up!

Dirty piece of sh1t!

You did it, Mick!

Oh, I love you.


I'm gonna follow you around.

I've never I've never met anyone like you.


I've never met anyone like you.


Up in Memphis The music's like a heatwave White lightnin' bound to drive you wild Mama's baby is in the heart of every schoolgirl Do you want some water?

I need a proper f*cking drink.


Champagne, look.

Are you sure you don't want some water?

Oh, God.

Look at this trunk.

It's got everything in it.

It's got chocs.

It's got nuts.

And we've got some nice little things going on here.

Do you want one?

Have one of these.

- No, I'm good.

- Go on.

Have it.

I want some more chocolate.

I love chocolate.

Have a choccy.

Go on.


I love it.

This is fantastic.

I feel like I'm in heaven.

All this food.



Oh, I feel a bit sick, though.

You're so gorgeous.

You are, aren't you.

Thank you.

That's really flattering.

I'm really glad the appraisal's going well.


I can't even look at that mouth anymore.



I can't.

No, go on.


- Give me that filthy tongue.

- I'm in a relationship, Deborah.

You know, I slap my fanny every night with a hairbrush thinking about you.

- Do you?

- Yeah.

- Do you fancy me?

Do you?

- What?

Do you?

Do you fancy me?

I know you do.

You do, don't you?

- Don't you?

- Yeah.


But I I can't act on it, Deborah.

I just can't.

You know, it's work.

It's professional, and we've got to keep boundaries.

Just a kiss.


Just one little kiss.

Go on.

Just one.

Go on.

Go on.



I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh, God.

This is a mistake.

- Go down on me.

- What?

Why don't you go down on me?

I would, if I could, but I'm in a relationship.

Stop stopping yourself.

Just go for it.

- Be free.

- I know I should be freer, but I just can't.

Go on.

Just one little go on it.

Is it 'cause I'm shaved?

It makes me look big, I know.

Have a look.

- It's okay.

- Is it that big?

It's Did something happen?

I dunno if it's got big from all the exercise.

But it's not too big to have a go.

Go on.

- Deborah.

- Please!

Deborah, listen.



What it is is that I really want you so much.

- Do you?

- Yeah.

But I just need to go to the loo.



You go and freshen up.

I'll be waiting here for you.

I'll get myself going.


That's it.

Oh, God, I can't wait.


Light that match Strike those pins Knock me down Knock me down again Light that match Strike those pins Knock me down Knock me down again Once we rode the waves Sun in our hair Salt in our teeth Felt the water break Pulled the sand from under our feet Nothing burns my tongue now Nothing scrapes my knee I stay out of the sun now I keep my hands clean Hey.

Wow, uh Um.



I'm in the wrong room.

Sorry about that.

That's um I the door was open, and I came in.

I had a shower and then (FIRE ALARM BELL RINGS)

- What is that?

- FRANCESCA: The f*cking fire alarm!

- Is it real?

- FRANCESCA: Just follow me, you tool.

You lump of sh1t.







What about Eleanor?

She's run, run, run Run Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so f*ckin' special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo SALLY: What is this place?

It's where stars stay.


- EMMA: Oh!


Oh my God, that buffet looks amazing.


Why are you being so sulky?

SEAN BEAN: You've just had your boobs done, ain't ya?

No, I haven't.

Oh, sorry, you mean your mum?

Eileen's my wife.

EMMA: You've shown a sinister side to yourself on this honeymoon.

I hate you so much!

I can't stand you!

I just think we're in a really, really difficult place right now.