02x03 - Loneliest Number


[Wild jungle music and jungle noises are heard. Alice sits at a table, furiously typing on her laptop. We see that she's typing, over and over and over: "Dana is a friend of mine, she will do it anytime. For a nickel or a dime 50 cents for overtime. Down the cellar she will go, she will strip from head to toe. Dana is a friend of mine..."]

[Suddenly, Tonya puts her hand on Alice's shoulder. Alice's eyes get huge.]

Alice: (gasps) Tonya!

[Tonya, in a ton of makeup and a pink nighty, sits down next to her.]

Tonya: (seductively) Alice, you're a bad, bad girl.

[Tonya waves her finger in Alice's face. Alice stares directly into Tonya's ample cleavage with a look of fear and confusion.]

Alice: What? Why?!

[Tonya grabs Alice's chin.]

Tonya: (seductively) Don't lie. Tonya knows all. And she's mad...

[Tonya runs a red-painted fingernail across Alice's chest.]

Tonya: Do you know how to say you're sorry?

[Alice, squinting her eyes shut, unties the bow on the front of Tonya's nighty.]

Tonya: (seductively) That's right. If you're gonna play, don't play without the Ton-Ton.

[Tonya grabs Alice and smothers her in a rough kiss. Alice flails. Tonya breaks the kiss. Her lipstick is smeared all over.]

Alice: (gasping for air) What about Dana!

Tonya: Shhhhh.

[Tonya smooshes her finger against Alice's lips. Alice gawks.]

Tonya: (hissing) Someone's hungry...

[Tonya points down at Alice' lap. Alice looks down just as Dana, hiding under the table and dressed like Tonya, whips Alice's knees apart and stares up at her.]

Dana: Starving!

[Dana lunges forward... ]


[ ... and Alice wakes up.]

Alice: (gasps)

[Opening credits.]


[Bert, Bette, Joyce and Tina sit around a table. Bette looks exhausted.]

Joyce: Why don't you tell me what you have in mind?

[Bette smiles a little at Tina.]

Bert: Okay. My client and I have every intention of making this as painless as possible. We are offering to cover all living expenses for Miss Kennard including her own apartment, and an initial $10,000 dollar stipend to be disbursed any way Miss Kennard sees fit.

[Tina looks at Joyce. Bette looks at Tina hopefully. Tina looks at Bert.]

Joyce: Aw, c'mon, Bert. That's sweet, but short-term. We're here to talk final separation. The last hurrah.

Bette: What?

[Bette looks at Tina. Tina avoids her gaze.]

Bert: This wasn't a marriage.

Joyce: It wasn't? Well, let's see, we've got... (shuffles through papers) a house, cars, vacations, love, commitment, a promise to be true?

[Bette looks like she may cry. Tina shuts her eyes.]

Joyce: A baby that was lost.

[Tina finally looks at Bette. This time, Bette looks away.]

Joyce: A trust that was broken. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a marriage to me. (to Bette) Does that sound like a marriage to you?

Bette: It was.

Bert: Bette.

Bette: (to Tina) It's a - it's a marriage that I don't wanna have end.

Joyce: (chuckling) Yeah, well, it's a little late for that.

[Bette looks impatient. She looks at Tina.]

Joyce: So let's get back to the business at hand: the equitable division of funds.

[Bette gets up.]

Bert: I think we've got it - we -

[Bert looks at Bette. Bette walks to Tina and kneels at her feet, tossing up a hand.]

Bette: (to Tina) How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

Joyce: Here we go.

Bette: I am. Please don't do this to us. This is not who we are.

[Bette leans closer, trying to get Tina to look at her. Tina looks uncomfortable, but begins to listen.]

Bette: Tina. We can fix this. Tina. Do you still love me?

[Tina begins to speak but hesitates.]

Bette: Do you? Do you still love me?

[Tina looks down.]

Bette: (whispering) Don't do this. Don't destroy us.

Joyce: If I could just interject for a second here, um... (leans toward Bette and Tina) It wasn't Tina who destroyed this relationship, that was you (points at Bette). And it's a good thing to remember, as you're dealing with the consequences.

Bette: (to Joyce) I am dealing with the consequences.

Joyce: Well good for you, but this moment isn't about you, this moment is about Tina. And what she wants. (looks at Tina) Tina? Is this what you want?

Tina: (to Bette) I - I think things need to be different.

Joyce: (to Bette) Did you hear that?

Bette: (to Tina, sincerely) (crying) They will be. They will be different.

[Joyce gets up and walks around the table to Bette.]

Joyce: So why don't you get off the floor and let her do what she wants for once, instead of you running the whole show? C'mon.

[Joyce grabs Bette's arm. Bette pulls her arm away. Bert stands.]

Joyce: Why don't we reschedule this at a time when everyone is feeling a little less dramatic?

[Bette stands. Joyce opens the door. Bert escorts her out. Tina stares at the table. Bette glances back at her. When Joyce closes the door, Tina closes her eyes and sighs.]

Joyce: Well, talk about a command performance. Meryl Streep couldn't have done it any better.


[Bette looks sad. She speeds down the street.]


[Joyce sits facing Tina.]

Joyce: I'm instructing you not to have any contact with her until we get this thing settled. She'll just wear you down until she gets what she wants. I've seen it a thousand times. (goes to desk) (mocking voice) "I cheated on you. Feel sorry for me. I'm in pain!"

[Joyce presses the intercom on her phone.]

Joyce: (phone) Hey, Emily, will you get me a protein shake?

[Tina puts her face in her hands.]


[Bette drives through traffic, crying.]


Joyce: Tina, you want anything?

Tina: (upset) No, no - no thank you. (standing up, whipping her jacket off) God, I'm just so f*cking mad!

[Tina throws the jacket on the chair and paces, upset.]

Joyce: Good! Good! Anger will help you change your life! Now c'mon, sit down.

[Tina sits down and sighs. Joyce sits in front of her.]

Joyce: Okay. I want you to tell me what you need, right now.

[Tina shakes her head, looking around.]

Joyce: An ice cream sundae? (smiles) Foot massage?

Tina: I need my own life.

Joyce: Tell me what I can do to make that happen.

[Joyce holds Tina's hands.]

Tina: (upset) I'm having a baby. I don't have a place to live. I'm sleeping on my friend's couch. Been there for a month, I know she wants me out. I should take that deal.

Joyce: (shaking head) No, no, no, no, no, no. My guest house is empty and you're going to move into it until we get the deal we want.

Tina: Joyce, I can't do that.

Joyce: Why not? What, you don't have luggage? Can't lift heavy things? I'll get somebody to help you.

[Tina chuckles.]

Joyce: You know how many of my clients have stayed in my guest house? Plenty. I'm happy to have it to offer.

Tina: 'Kay.

Joyce: Good girl.

[Joyce pats Tina on the knee and gets up. Tina smiles a little.]


[Bette drives down a busy street, crying. We see a stop light on green, then yellow. Bette guns the engine. The light turns red. The engine revvs. Bette crosses into oncoming traffic and slams into the side of an SUV. Her car is totaled; glass and metal go flying.]

Bette: (grunts in pain) (sighs exasperated)

[Cars all around them start honking. The man in the SUV, Brad Green, gets out. He angrily runs over to Bette's car. He tries to open her door, then bangs on her window.]

Brad: (shouting angrily) Are you blind?! You f*cking went through a red!

[In the car, Bette stares vacantly. Brad bangs on the window and tries to open the door.]

Brad: (shouting) Get out of the f*cking car! (bangs on window) C'mon!

[Bette's expression changes to anger.]

Brad: (shouting) Get out of the car! Get out of the f*cking car!

[Bette gets out, barely restrained in her anger. She towers over him. Cars honk.]

Bette: You need to stop yelling. No one was hurt, I have insurance, so just shut the f*ck up, do you f*cking understand me you f*cking idiot, (shouting) or do I need to scream like you, like a f*cking insane savage?!

Brad: You're gonna be one sorry bitch!

[Bette grabs him by his shirt and hauls him up to her level.]

Bette: (screaming angrily) What makes you think I'm not already?! What makes you think I'm not already?!


[The place is covered in plastic sheeting. Builders are dismantling everything and carrying stuff around. Kit leads one of them through a doorway.]

Kit: (pointing) Stuff there for you to do... take those two boards out.

[Shane and Alice walk in.]

Builder: (to another builder) Hand me that nail gun?

Shane: Kit! I didn't expect it to change so much!

Kit: It is gonna be a different place. I got a real sound system coming here tomorrow, and they're gonna finish the floor today, then the stage...

[Kit walks a few feet away to a small stage.]

Kit: The stage is always gonna be ready. We're gonna have - we're gonna have keyboards (walking back to Shane and Alice), drums, guitars, just in case a Lenny Kravitz comes into town, Sheryl Crow, Mary J. come in here and they wanna kick it and jam? They got a place.

[Shane and Alice smile.]

Kit: And I got a jazz quartet for the opening night, man, they're the bomb! (grins)

Alice: A jazz quartet?

Kit: Mm-hmm!

[Shane looks around.]

Alice: Kit! This is... West Hollywood, this is Gay Town! You - gotta give the girlies what they want.

Kit: (scoffs) Well, I can't change that now, that's Mason Ray, you know, he was with the Velvets and the Sheffields... y'all heard of him, right?

[Alice and Shane shake their heads.]

Shane: No.

[Kit paces.]

Kit: (groans)

Alice: No, no, no, it's gonna - it's totally gonna be okay.

Shane: Look, Kit, I swear, it's not that big of a deal.

[Kit frowns.]

Shane: Listen - no. People like that music. They do.

Kit: Not the people that come in here. I mean, you know, (looking at Alice) she's right. You know, I'm not playing to my core audience.

Alice: We'll find you someone. (looks at Shane) I know! I know! (looks at Kit) Pink! (looks at Shane) Pink! She's in town!

Shane: Al, how are you gonna get Pink.

Alice: Well, we've gotta know a lesbian who knows a lesbian -

[Kit rolls her eyes. Shane grins and shakes her head.]

Alice: - who knows another one who knows her. I mean, we could get to her. Right?

Shane: Yeah.

Alice: She would love to play here!

Kit: That's not gonna happen.

Alice: Kit, believe in the power of the lesbian phone tree.

[Shane giggles.]

Kit: I need something solid. (sighs)

Shane: Wait, um - I know someone who's a DJ. And she's excellent, but I know that's not what you're looking -

Kit: No, I'll, no - I'll take it. I will definitely take it. And she better be good.

Shane: She is.


[Charlotte sits at a table, working on her lesson plans. Jenny peers through the window in the door, and knocks. After a couple of seconds, she enters.]

Jenny: Miss Birch?

Charlotte: Yes?

Jenny: Uh... (sitting) My - my name is Jennifer Schecter. Um. I applied for your writing class?

Charlotte: The class is full. You can try again next semester.

Jenny: I - I - I realize that.

[Jenny pulls a letter from her bag, and puts it on the table in front of Charlotte.]

Jenny: But, I just actually wanted to know why I didn't get in?

[Charlotte eyes the letter, then Jenny.]

Charlotte: Maybe it's your self-consciousness. The schoolgirl outfit you came in here with? Am I supposed to fall for that? I want real writers in this class. Fiction writers. You don't write like that. You journal. You think because you change the circumstance and the settings, that you're creating, but you're not. And I'm not here to read the autobiography of Miss Jenny Schecter.

[Charlotte sighs and goes back to her lesson plans. Jenny stares at her. Charlotte looks up.]

Charlotte: Become a writer first. (raises brows) Then maybe. (nods)

[Jenny looks stunned and hurt but resolute. She takes the letter back.]

Jenny: Well thank you for letting me know.

[Charlotte looks up at her.]

Jenny: But please don't presume that you know me.

[Jenny puts the letter back in her bag and walks out.]

Alice: (offscreen) This is gonna be great.


[Alice and Tina walk up a beautiful garden path. Tina carries a bag; Alice carries three bags and a box.]

Alice: You know? I mean, the place will be all yours. You could have stayed totally as long as you wanted at my place, so you know.

Tina: Stop feeling bad. You need your apartment back so you can work.

Alice: Oh, I know, I'm just, you know, friends should sacrifice for each other, and I wanna sacrifice -

Tina: You've already sacrificed!

[They arrive.]

Tina: Whoa. Is this the guest house?

Alice: Okay. I officially stopped feeling bad, for sure.

Tina: (chuckles) Think about the breakups that built this house.

[The guest house is a huge stone cottage surrounded on all sides by plants and trees and sunlight.]

Alice: Well, I mean, let's not forget she does use her powers for good. If it weren't for her, there'd be no second-parent adoptions.

Tina: I don't think it was the adoptions that paid for this place.

[Alice peers in the window.]

Alice: Whoa! (chuckles) You're stoked.

[Tina giggles. She looks under one of the potted plants and retrieves the door key.]


[Bette and Kit are talking. Bette is depressed.]

Bette: I just wanted to give this to you. The bank sent it to my house.

[Bette puts an envelope on the table and strolls around the room slowly. Kit picks the envelope up and looks at Bette.]

Kit: You alright?

Bette: (sighs) I've been better.

Kit: Me too. (sighs) Have you eaten?

Bette: No.

Kit: Want me to order something?

Bette: I guess.

Kit: I may not be able to pull this off by Friday. Half my deliveries aren't in and the sound system may not be ready -

Bette: Kit. Tina is taking legal action against me. She's divorcing me and I smashed my car in an intersection, so...

[Kit looks sad for Bette. Bette looks at her pitifully.]

Kit: You want Mexican?

Bette: (smiling a little) Sure.


[Jenny walks in, carrying a glass. Carmen is at the refrigerator in her underwear.]

Jenny: Hi. I'm - sorry.

Carmen: Oh, no, no, no, hey. That's okay. Let me ask you something. What says you care more, beer or soy milk?

Jenny: Soy milk.

Carmen: But that's not very sexy, though, is it?

Jenny: No.

Carmen: Nah. Allright, well that's what I thought.

[Carmen grabs a couple of bottles of beer from the fridge.]

Carmen: And there's more in the fridge if you want it, and I'm Carmen.

[They shake hands.]

Jenny: I'm, uh, Jenny.

Carmen: I know. (laughs)

[Carmen heads to Shane's bedroom.]

Jenny: Nice to meet you.

Carmen: Oh, uh... sorry you had to meet me in my SupahLovah Costume.

Jenny: No, it's... it's nice.

Carmen: (giggling) Okay.

Jenny: I like it.

Carmen: Good night.

[Jenny goes to the fridge and starts to pour herself a glass of milk.]


[Soft music plays. Shane is getting dressed. Carmen walks in with the beers.]

Carmen: Hey!

Shane: Hi.

Carmen: You going somewhere?

Shane: Um... yeah, I was... thinking of going out.

Carmen: Were you.

[Carmen sets the beers down and stands close to Shane.]

Carmen: Uh, well, I, uh...

[They kiss.]

Carmen: I think you should stay.

Shane: Really.

Carmen: Yeah, I do.

[They kiss. Carmen pushes Shane onto the bed.]

Carmen: And I think you should play a game with me.

Shane: Oh yeah?

[Carmen sits on Shane's lap.]

Carmen: Mm-hmm. This game is called... (thinks) "Too Hot." And here's how we play. We... start kissing.

[They kiss.]

Carmen: And we can't stop kissing.

Shane: Mm.

Carmen: Mm-hmm.

[Shane runs her hands along Carmen's hips and butt. Carmen takes her hands away.]

Carmen: But we also can't touch. No touching.

[They're still kissing. Shane chuckles.]

Carmen: So, then, if you touch me, then you lose. And that means I can do whatever I want.

Shane: And... what happens if you touch me?

[Shane puts her hands on Carmen's thighs. Carmen holds them up.]

Carmen: Then... I lose. And you get to do whatever you want to me.

[Shane kisses her.]

Carmen: Mm. So. Are you ready?

Shane: Yeah.

Carmen: Okay. Hands off.

[They kiss. Shane keeps her hands out to the sides. Carmen puts her hands on the back of her own neck. They continue kissing. They come close a few times to touching each other. After a few moments, Shane grabs Carmen's hips.]

Carmen: (protesting) Mm! Hmm-mm! Mm!

[They break the kiss and smile. Carmen takes Shane's hands.]

Carmen: Wow! Lie down... bitch!

[Shane leans back onto the bed.]

Shane: Oh. You're so awful.

[Carmen leans down. Shane grabs her shirt. Carmen hold her hand onto the bed.]

Carmen: Mm. Did I say you could touch me?

Shane: No.

Carmen: No. And why?

Shane: Because I lost.

Carmen: That's right. And?

[Shane touches Carmen.]

Carmen: What? I didn't hear you?

Shane: Because you won.

Carmen: That's right. I won. Loser.

[They start kissing again. Carmen starts to get up. Shane tries to follow. Carmen pins her hands on the bed again.]

Carmen: Stay.

Shane: (laughing) You're such a... bitch.

[Carmen kisses Shane.]


[Jenny sits in the dark, typing on her laptop.]

Jenny: (voice over) There I was at the carnival. Life was so simple, indeed. Lots to do at the carnival.


[A violin plays. A shot of a carnival, at night, the lights from the ferris wheel the focal point of the picture.]

[Young Jenny stands in her bedroom in her nightgown, in front of her dresser mirror. She takes off her necklace.]

Charlotte: (offscreen) Step right up!

[Distorted voices are heard.]

Voice #1: (off screen) Hurry, hurry!

Voice #2: (off screen) Keep 'em coming!

Voice #3: (off screen) ... bulldog...

[Three young boys gather around young Jenny and start running in circles around her, sniggering.]

Voice #4: See the results in a jar!

[The laughter of children is heard. Jenny looks frightened of the boys. She covers her face. Panting is heard.]

Jenny: (off screen) (whispering) No no no no no no...

[Young Jenny turns to the mirror, picks up her diary, and throws it at the mirror. The mirror shatters.]

[The scene from 2x02 "Lap Dance" replays: Young Jenny is being chased by boys through a dark house.]

Voices: (warped, sing-song) Here we are, at the carnival, laughing and singing and shouting, we're shouting, shouting, we're shouting.

[Young Jenny is now outside on the grass, looking up. She turns and looks behind her and sees the lights of the carnival.]

[Carnival music plays. Young Jenny, in her room, climbs through the mirror and into the reflection of her room. She picks up the diary and gets in bed.]


[The carnival music continues. Jenny sits in the dark, staring at the laptop, then slams it shut.]


[Carmen and Shane lay in bed, naked, under the sheets, face to face.]

Carmen: Tell me where you grew up. Tell me... tell me where this...

[Carmen puts her hand over Shane's breast, indicating her heart.]

Carmen: ... came from. (smiling) Nothing? Not gonna talk? Okay. Um.

[Shane stares at her, almost sadly.]

Carmen: How bout... how 'bout a hamster? (smiling) Did you ever have a hamster growing up? No? No... okay, um...

[Shane smiles - just a tiny bit.]

Carmen: Brother and sister. How many of those did you have?

[Shane turns expressionless.]

Carmen: You know what, let's start with mom and dad. (chuckles) Are they married or divorced? Do you write them, do you see them, do you... (chuckles) love them? I mean, anything -

[Shane has a vague expression of pain on her face. Carmen is oblivious. Shane kisses Carmen. When the kiss is over, Carmen looks upset. Shane gets up.]

Shane: I'm gonna go out.

[Shane gets up out of bed and puts her pants on. Carmen sighs.]

Carmen: Okay. Um. What about your tattoo. Why do you have that.

[Shane looks down at her. Carmen raises her brows in an expectant manner.]

Carmen: Hmm?

[Shane touches the tattoo on her lower back. It's over a violin.]

Shane: I like it.

Carmen: Good. You like it. Great.

[Carmen sits up and starts to put her clothes on.]

Carmen: (sighs) You know what? Um. I guess, uh, I'm gonna be leaving. So.

[Shane stares at her.]

Carmen: I don't know, you know, if you have, like, house rules or something -

Shane: No! I don't - there are - there are no house rules.

[Carmen looks at Shane.]

Carmen: Right. Right.

Shane: There's not.

Carmen: Okay!

Shane: I... (shrugging) I don't like sleep-overs. (a beat) I'm sorry. (a beat) But I don't.

Carmen: Okay!

[Shane looks a little uncomfortable.]

Carmen: You don't have to explain anything. It's your choice.

[Shane stares at her.]

Carmen: Well, get ready!

[Shane buttons up her shirt.]


[Valets wait to park expensive cars.]

Tonya: (off screen) Love at first sight.


[Classical music plays. Tonya, dressed in a business suit, sits at a table with several others. Dana comes walking in, in her tennis gear.]

Tonya: At the Dinah Shore weekend of all places! (sees Dana) Here comes the bride!

[Tonya gets up and runs over to Dana. Dana smiles nervously at the people at the table.]

Tonya: Honey!

Dana: Hi, honey.

[Tonya gives her a kiss.]

Tonya: (kissing) Mm. Mm.

Dana: What's going on? Thought it was just us.

[We see, seated at a long dining table, are six others.]

Tonya: Dana.

Dana: Yeah?

Tonya: (pointing) This is Vanessa Godson from Absolut Vodka.

Dana: Hi.

Tonya: You know Brian Karikawa from Subaru. Nina Alexander from Bride Magazine. We have Roman Brown from Wilson.

Roman: (smiling) Hi.

Tonya: Sam Counter from The Advocate.

[Sam waves.]

Tonya: And of course you know our business manager.

Dana: Eric?

Eric: (smiling) (waves) Hey, Dana.

[Dana smiles just a little. She doesn't look too enthused.]

Tonya: Have a seat.

[Dana sits at the opposite head of the table. Tonya walks around to the other.]

Tonya: Okay. Research shows our country is obsessed with weddings, especially celebrity weddings. Together, we are gonna produce an event unlike any they have ever seen. Welcome to the first-ever, corporate-sponsored, celebrity lesbian wedding!

[Polite applause ensues. Dana is not impressed. Tonya takes her seat.]

Tonya: (happy sigh) Now if we could all turn to page four of our packets.

[Everybody picks up the packet in front of them labeled in cursive, "Dana Fairbanks Celebrity Wedding". On page four is a mock-up showing Dana and Tonya standing next to a Subaru Outback with the words "Just Married" on the back window.]

Tonya: Picture this. A gleaming white Subaru with "Just Married" stenciled on the back window.

Brian: Subaru Outback? (smiling) It's clever, Tonya.

[Everybody smiles in agreement. Others are flipping through their packets. One page shows a mock-up cover of The Advocate showing Dana and Tonya smiling together.]

Tonya: We'll have simultaneous covers on The Advocate, and Bride Magazine, each with a back page Absolut Vodka ad.

[Everyone flips to the Absolut ad. It shows an illustration of Dana and Tonya at their wedding, smiling at each other. The concept reads, "Here's to a marriage not on the rocks!" Dana looks at Tonya, unsure.]

Vanessa: (reading) "Here's to a marriage not on the rocks." (to Tonya) That's fantastic.

Roman: And the car could be dragging Wilson tennis ball cans.

Vanessa: I love it.

Tonya: You read my mind, Roman. After all, it takes balls to break the law.

[Everyone chuckles. Dana finally smiles and laughs.]

Tonya: Dana and I won't just be making our commitment to each other. We'll be making history.

Vanessa: No. Herstory. Absolut herstory.

Tonya: Exactly.

[Dana looks happy.]


[Bette sits at a table with a few others. Her boss, Franklin, is up pouring himself some water.]

Bette: There are three new shows I'd like to commission.

Franklin: I assume we're counting on the Peabody Foundation to underwrite some of this?

Bette: Well, they have funded it for the past six years.

Franklin: (sitting) Yes, but Peggy Peabody is stepping down. And, uh, her daughter Helena is taking over. Could be a whole new ballgame. Bad news, is, we don't know what Helena Peabody has in mind. Good news is that she's one of your people.

[Franklin examines some photos through a lens.]

Bette: One of "my people"?

Franklin: Mm-hmm.

Bette: What are you referring to, what, is she a Yale graduate, an art history major, is she a mulatto gal, is that what you're trying to say?

Franklin: (curt) I meant she's a lesbian.

Bette: And why is that a good thing?

Franklin: Because I thought your paths might have crossed. It could be useful.

Bette: Right. Because me and (makes air quotes) my people, we're all on a first-name basis.

Franklin: May I suggest you get on one? Because if we lose that grant -

Bette: (irritated) Franklin, if you want me to go to New York and make nice, I will. But please, stop panicking. I'll handle it.

[James walks in.]

James: (to others) Uh, excuse me. (to Bette) Uh, there's a Brad Green on the phone. He's called like fourteen times.

[James walks out. Bette rolls her eyes and goes to the phone in the corner of the room. She picks it up.]

Bette: (sighs) (phone) What part of "no" don't you understand, Mr. Green? I am not going to write you a blank check just because you yell like a f*cking banshee. (irritated) I need an estimate. The insurance company needs an estimate, do you see a pattern here, it's the way things are done.

[The others in the room look uncomfortable. Franklin examines his photos and looks around nervously.]

Bette: (phone) (sighs) Listen, you asshole, if you keep pushing me, you're gonna end up with a lawsuit on your hands, you got it? (listens) Bring it on, you f*cking dwarf.

[Bette slams the phone down and walks back to her seat.]

Bette: Shall we move on?

[Seething, Bette gives Franklin a curt smile.]


[Classical music plays. The business luncheon is over and everyone has left. The business manager stays behind.]

Eric: (to Dana) So. I'll cut a check for Tonya today from the corporate account.

Dana: For what?

Eric: Uh, her manager's fee. I think it should come from the corporate account because it's better for tax purposes.

Dana: Tonya's taking a manager's fee?

Eric: Well, just the standard fifteen. Is that... okay?

Dana: Yeah, it's fine. No. It's fine.

Eric: Okay.

[Eric starts to walk off. Dana stops him.]

Dana: Eric, one second. Lunch. Who... who paid for lunch?

Eric: Oh. We'll take it out of corporate.

[Eric walks off. He passes Tonya on the way out.]

Dana: Corporate. Of course.

Eric: Great job, Tonya.

Tonya: Thanks. (to Tonya) I have to go. The Monistat rep couldn't make it to lunch, so I'm gonna go pitch her now, okay?

[Tonya leans in for a kiss. Dana doesn't respond.]

Tonya: You okay?

Dana: You told Eric to pay you a 15% manager's fee?

Tonya: Is that bad?

Dana: Are you my fiancée, Tonya, or are you my manager?

Tonya: I'm both. (a beat) Dana, don't get so upset. We talked about this.

Dana: No, we never talked about this.

Tonya: Are - are you - am I not doing enough? Do you think I haven't earned 15%?

Dana: No - you've done - you've done a lot.

Tonya: Hey. I love to do it, and I'm good at it. And you need a manager. Would it make you feel better to get somebody else, because I can brief them on everything we have going on -

Dana: No, no, no, no, don't, it's fine. I'm just surprised, okay.

Tonya: I could swear we talked about this. I think you are training too hard.

[Dana smiles.]

Tonya: (sweetly) I have to dash. I love you.

[Tonya kisses Dana.]

Tonya: Okay.

[Tonya walks away. Dana's smile fades.]


[Alice is cleaning under the sofa with a feather duster. "Hold Me Now" by the Thompson Twins is blasting on her stereo. She has a Bioré strip across her nose. The intercom buzzes.]

[She jogs to the stereo, changes to slower music, and jogs down the hall to the intercom.]

Alice: Hello?

Dana: (intercom) It's me.

[Alice stops. She thinks for a second.]

Alice: Are you here to complain about your fiancée?

[There's a long pause.]

Dana: (intercom) No.

[Alice flips the button to speak, but then flips it off, not sure what to say.]

Dana: (intercom) She's taking 15% of my earnings, Al.

[Alice thinks for a moment. She dusts the intercom. After a moment, she buzzes Dana in, then jogs back down the hallway. At the end of the hallway, the intercom buzzes again. Alice slides on the rug and runs back.]

Alice: Yeah, what's going on?

Dana: (intercom) I can't come up.

Alice: Why?

Dana: (intercom) The rules, Al!

Alice: Just - we'll figure something out!

[Alice buzzes Dana in again. She runs down the hallway, and slides on the rug again when she tries to stop and catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She rips off the Bioré strip.]

Alice: Augh!

[Alice runs into the living room.]


[Alice and Dana stand in the doorway.]

Alice: You're just gonna let her take 15% of your income?

Dana: What can I do? Al?

Alice: Fire her!

[Dana sighs and rubs her temples.]

Alice: Dana, you're marrying an endorsement slip! But... I can't believe she got you all those deals, though.

Dana: That is pretty incredible, actually.

Alice: Well, if - if you wanna auction off your love to the highest bidder, it is.

Dana: It's her job, Al.

Alice: It's her job now because you always let her get her way. It's weird.

[Dana puts her face in her palms.]

Alice: Look out.

[Alice's neighbor, Patty, walks past. Alice moves Dana out of the way.]

Alice: Hey, Patty.

Patty: Hey.

[Patty enters her own apartment. Alice and Dana now lean against the door frame, facing each other.]

Alice: (to Dana) She's got you brainwashed.

Dana: No she doesn't.

Alice: Don't you think... (raises brows) just a little?

Dana: (thinking) Maybe a little.

[Soft, sexy music plays from Alice's apartment. Alice and Dana stare at each other. Dana smiles shyly.]

Dana: Your skin looks really good.

Alice: (grinning) I - really? (giggling) Well, I was just... (waves) forget it. (smiling) Well, you look really good, too.

Dana: (grins) Thanks.

[They smile at each other.]

Dana: My - feel my thighs, they're getting stronger.

[Alice reaches down and feels of Dana's thigh.]

Alice: Wow.

Dana: Yeah.

[Dana leans in a little closer.]

Alice: Yeah - they're tight. Tighter. They're tight!

[Alice giggles and blushes. Another neighbor, this one carrying a dog, walks past. Dana and Alice stare at each other. Dana glances over at Alice's open bedroom door, with the bed visible just inside. Alice follows her gaze. They look at each other again. After a moment, Dana raises a brow.]

Alice: You going to Shane's? Tonight?

Dana: Yeah.

Alice: (smiling) Cool!

Dana: Uh-huh.

Alice: Is Tonya coming?

Dana: Yeah.

[Alice starts back into the hallway, signaling the conversation should end.]

Alice: 'Kay. I'm gonna get back cleaning. I was cleaning. So, I'm just...

[Alice closes the door as Dana walks off.]


[Charlotte is walking to her car. Jenny approaches.]

Jenny: I rewrote my submission.

Charlotte: I already told you, the class is full.

Jenny: But I did what you said. I turned it into fiction. I want you to read it, and I want you to tell me if you think that I haven't.

Charlotte: I'm not opening this car until you're gone.

Jenny: This... means more to me than you can imagine. And I know that you can make me a better writer.

[Jenny puts her paper on the windshield of Charlotte's car.]

Jenny: You have already.

[Jenny walks off. Charlotte picks up the paper, looking a little peeved.]


[Alice, Shane, Tonya and Dana are hanging out in the living room. Music plays. Alice is on her laptop, looking at the infamous chart. Her cell phone rings. She answers.]


[Kit paces. People work in the background.]

Kit: (phone to Alice) Hey girl, just checking in, see how you're progressing with getting Pink. Yeah, I talked to some people. They're really excited about the possibility of, uh, her performing.


Alice: (phone) Yeah. No, I know - I know -

[Tonya shakes her head.]


Kit: (phone) I'm really countin' on the tree, you know. Don't let me down.


Alice: (phone) I'm still trying, Kit. Yeah. Okay. I know. Okay. I'm really sorry. Okay, sorry. Allright.

[Shane shakes her head.]


Kit: (hangs up) I'm too old for this sh1t, man!


Alice: Okay, you guys. We've gotta know someone who knows Pink. Gillian! What about Gillian?

[Gillian's name lights up on Alice's chart.]

Shane: Nah, Gillian got married and moved to Costa Rica or something.

Alice: So she's not even talking to Dorothy?

[Dorothy's name, connected to Gillian's, lights up.]

Shane: (laughing) No! Definitely not.

Tonya: Why don't you just phone her agent?

Dana: Because that would be too easy.

[Alice shoots Dana a piercing look.]

Shane: (laughing) You never should have promised Kit you'd get Pink.

Alice: I know. Thanks.

[Alice closes the laptop. Jenny walks in the front door.]

Jenny: Hey! Hi!

[Everyone says hi.]

Shane: Oh, Jenny, I'm sorry - I thought you were working late.

Jenny: No.

Shane: We can go, though.

Jenny: No, no, no, don't. I, uh, I skipped my shift. Thank you. I was running an errand.

Tonya: Alice was complaining that there weren't enough interesting, single women in L.A.

Alice: She's not single. She - (to Jenny) you're seeing Robin, right?

Jenny: No, we actually... we broke up.

Alice: Wow. So you're single!

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

[Alice looks over at Dana as she gets comfortable next to Jenny.]

Alice: Wow. What happened?

[Dana looks irritated. Tonya notices. Shane notices.]

Jenny: Um. I don't know. Um. She's smart, and she's sexy, and she's great.

Alice: But she brought a U-Haul to the second date.

[Shane smiles.]

Jenny: Oh, god, did you talk to her?

Alice: (laughing) No.

[Everybody laughs.]

Alice: No, it's - moving in after a second date - classic lesbian move. (to Tonya) Right, Tonya?

Tonya: Something good doesn't stay on the shelf long in this community, Alice.

[The back door opens. Bette enters. She's carrying a glass of alcohol.]

[Alice glares at Tonya.]

[Bette enters the living room.]

Bette: (smiling) (tipsy) Well, everyone's having such a good time.

Shane: Hey Bette!

Alice: Hi Bette!

Dana: Hi!

[Bette moves slowly, and her speech is a little slurred.]

Bette: I thought I would invite myself since no one bothers to anymore.

[Shane jumps up and moves a chair over from the corner.]

Bette: (speaking slowly) Would anyone mind if I sit, or is everyone suddenly gonna remember some place that they have to be?

Alice: Bette, nobody's avoiding you, we all love you.

[Bette sits and smiles at Alice.]

Bette: Especially you, Alice.

Alice: (smiling) I do. Actually. It... hasn't been easy. Nobody likes choosing sides.

Bette: But you do it so well.

Shane: C'mon, Bette.

Bette: Is it time for me to shut up?

Shane: No, it's... no. We're here... to have a good time. So. Let's do that.

Bette: Mkay. Okay.

[Nobody's having a good time anymore. Jenny smiles at Bette. Bette doesn't seem to notice; she's got a thousand-yard stare. After several moments, Tonya looks around.]

Tonya: (chuckling) This is really awkward. I always think when things get this bad that it's best to change the subject.

[Bette takes a drink. Alice sighs at Tonya in exasperation.]

Tonya: So, I'm gonna ask a question and everybody can take turns answering. Um... okay. The question's gonna be... if you saw yourself at a bar, would you ask yourself out? I'll go first. (clears throat) I think... if I saw myself...

[Alice and Jenny smile at each other.]

Tonya: ... that, just for a minute, I'd think my thighs were too big. And then I'd decide that I like that. (laughs)

[Tonya nuzzles Dana playfully. Alice watches. Dana seems to pull away from Tonya just a little.]

Tonya: Okay, so you go next. Honey? Why don't you go.

Dana: I think I would wanna ask myself out.

Alice: It would nnnever happen 'cause you wouldn't have the balls to ask yourself out.

[Dana gives Alice a 'f*ck you' look. Shane looks at Alice. Tonya looks down, almost as if a light bulb has gone on over her head.]

Shane: Well, I would f*ck myself... but I wouldn't date myself.

Jenny: 'Cause you wouldn't do that?

Alice: It's her house rules.

Shane: Al, would you answer the question?

Alice: Okay. It's a stupid question but okay. Whatever.

[Tonya looks a hurt and pissed.]

Alice: Okay, I don't know, I would think that I was hysterical and charming, but I don't think I'd go there. (shrugs)

Dana: Something tells me you would.

[Alice and Dana glare at one another. Tonya looks at them.]

Tonya: Okay - what is going on with you two, you're totally on each other.

[Dana fidgets with her engagement ring.]

Dana: Jenny hasn't answered.

Jenny: Um, I think that if I were a guy, I would definitely ask myself out as a woman, and if I were a woman there's no f*cking way that I would ever ask myself out as a woman.

[Everybody laughs but Tonya. Bette smiles a little.]

Alice: Interesting.

Jenny: What about you, Bette.

[Bette seems distant.]

Jenny: Bette?

[Bette looks at her. After a moment, she smiles a little.]

Bette: (slurred) I would see myself... and then I would go running... in the opposite direction. (laughs)

[Jenny stares at the ground as Bette laughs slowly. Alice and Shane look on.]


[Alice and Shane are carrying Bette home. Bette is barely to walk; her arms are around their shoulders. They walk toward the open patio door that leads into Bette's bedroom.]

Alice: (gently) Okay. We're almost there.


[She and Shane walk Bette inside.]

Alice: Just a few more steps.

Shane: Okay.

Bette: (slurred) I just need to sleep...

Alice: I know, baby.

Shane: Alright, alright. Right here, alright?

[Shane pushes back the covers as they set Bette on the edge of the bed. Alice takes Bette's shoes off. Shane tosses the pillow aside. Bette begins to sob. Shane puts her hand on Bette's head.]

Alice: (gently) Oh no... don't cry. C'mon. Shh, shh, shh. C'mon.

Shane: Lie down.

[Bette lays down on the bed, crying. Shane covers her up. Alice lays beside her. Shane kneels by the bed. They pet her hair as she weeps.]

Bette: (crying) I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

Shane: There's no need to be sorry.

[Shane kisses Bette on the cheek. Bette's sobbing slows.]

Alice: I'm sorry.

[Alice leans down and kisses Bette on the forehead. Bette drifts to sleep.]


[The class is full of students that got into the writing program. They're all chattering amongst themselves. Jenny is seated in the group. Charlotte walks in.]

Charlotte: Why, hello. Welcome to the defining moment of your existence.

[She walks to the large table around which the students are seated, and reads the roster.]

Charlotte: Is everybody signed in?

[Jenny raises her hand.]

Jenny: I haven't.

[Charlotte pushes the roster across the table to Jenny. Jenny takes it and signs.]

Charlotte: Let's pick up where we left off last time. We were writing about the hunter and the hunted. How's everybody feel about that? A little shaky? Unsure of themselves?

[The students pass around the stack of papers that they wrote last session. Jenny picks up the paper she gave to Charlotte in the parking lot. Charlotte wrote "Indeed better" on it. Jenny smiles.]

Charlotte: If not, I'll make you feel that way, imminently.


[Bette lays on the bed in Tina's pajamas. She stares at her laptop screen. The phone rings.]

Bette: (sighs heavily) (coughs)

[Bette rolls over and picks up the phone from amidst a few bottles of pills for headaches and stomach aches.]

Bette: (phone) Hello. Oh, god, James, thank god it's you. Yeah, I was wondering if it was gonna be Franklin breathing down my neck. Listen, I need you to email me last year's Peabody grant application. Yeah, I'm completely stuck. (listens) Okay. Allright, great. Thanks. No, I'm not coming in today, I'm working from home. Yeah, I need to get this grant proposal finished. Allright? Thanks.

[Bette hangs up and rolls back over. She doesn't seem interested in work. She looks at Tina's pillow, and touches it.]


[Music booms from the inside. It's opening night. Disco lights abound, inside and out. The new logo is of the moon, with a face. The caption reads "The Planet" above and "music people food" below. Droves of people, male and female, stand around outside.]

[Kit comes to the main doors and smiles at the people.]

Kit: C'mon in! C'mon in!


[Tina sits at a desk, typing on her laptop.]

Tina: It's open!

[Alice enters, dressed up in heels and tight jeans.]

Alice: Well - don't tell me you're not coming? T! It's the reopening of The Planet! I mean, I know you don't wanna see Bette, but, we all have to be there to support Kit.

Tina: I'm sorry, I can't. I - I need to finish this grant proposal, and turn it in by tonight. Plus, I wanna go by the house and pick up some things while Bette isn't there.

Alice: Great.

[Alice shakes her head and paces.]

Alice: Remember how I used to tell you it would suck if you and Bette broke up? Well it does. This is so f*cked.

[Alice sits on the edge of the bed and thinks for a moment. She's near tears.]

Alice: You know, I'm starting to get scared, it's like Bette's smoking and drinking herself to death, and you're... I'm gonna say it, Tina... you're eating your pain! And I don't know how much weight you've gained! But if you don't stop, you're gonna have to go to some ashram, or hire some really majorly important trainer and you don't have the money!

Tina: Alice. (a beat) I'm not fat.

Alice: (crying) T!

[Alice looks at Tina like she's ignoring the obvious. Tina gets up, lifts up her shirt, and shows Alice her belly. Alice is stupefied.]

Alice: (staring) sh1t...

[Tina sits.]

Alice: I'm a little confused... How did that happen?

Tina: I - I did it while Bette and I were still together. But I didn't tell her because I wanted to see if it would take.

[Alice closes her eyes and puts her head in her hand.]

Tina: I didn't think she could handle another miscarriage.

[Alice hangs her head and starts to cry. Tina goes to her.]

Tina: Ohh. Look, it's gonna be okay!

Alice: (crying) No, it's not, it's so f*cked up.

Tina: I'm gonna have a baby. I thought it was gonna be mine and Bette's, but it's going to be my baby. And I am going to love her, and care for her, and I am going to give her a great shot at life. (smiling) C'mere.

[They hug.]


[Music booms. Tons of people walk around.]


[Lights flash as the music plays. The house is packed with people. Kit stands in the corner, smiling. Carmen is on the turntables spinning out the tunes.]

[Jenny and Shane walk through the crowd. Carmen waves at them. Shane nods; Jenny waves back. They belly up to the bar, grinning.]

Jenny: Is that Carmen spinning?

Shane: Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.

Jenny: Aren't you gonna go say hi?

Shane: I did.

[Jenny smiles at Shane.]

Shane: What.

Jenny: I don't know, you just sometimes remind me of guys I used to date in high school.

[Shane smiles. Jenny pushes past her. Shane looks over at Carmen, then orders.]

Shane: Uh, hi. May I have two of those please.


[Nobody's home. Sirens and traffic are heard in the distance.]


[Tina is getting her clothes out of the closet. She turns to leave, and sees the bed, unmade, with the laptop sitting on it. She puts her clothes down and makes the bed.]


[Music. People.]


[Alice makes her way over to Shane at the bar.]

Alice: (to others) Sorry. 'Scuse me. Shane! Allright, okay, um, I have to tell you something I'm really kinda not supposed to tell you.

Shane: Fight the urge.

Alice: But... but I can't!

Shane: Try.

Alice: But it's hard!

Shane: I know! But try.

[Shane looks at some women - the band, Betty - entering the bar.]

Shane: Turn around.

[Alice turns around.]

Shane: You shook the lesbian phone tree and look what fell out.

Alice: Oh, my god. It's Betty. Bow to the power of the tree. (waves to Betty) Hey, Betty rules!

[One of the band members, ezgirl, stops. She and Shane check each other out, then she moves on. Alice looks at Shane.]

Shane: What.

Alice: Hm?

Shane: What?

Alice: What? (chuckling)

Shane: What? (chuckling)


[Tina makes the bed. She touches Bette's pillow, then picks it up. She hugs it to her body and smells it as she sits on the bed. She looks at it, then hugs it tight, and sighs.]


[Bette paces slowly near the...