02x10 - Land Ahoy


[A beautiful, serene sunset. A cellist plays for an audience on the deck.]

[Title card: Key West, Florida]

[Sexpert Phoebe Sparkle sits at a table, watching the cellist intently. A couple of women sitting at the table are whispering.]

Woman #1: Go on. Ask her.

Woman #2: (shaking head) No. You.

Woman #1: I just wanna get my book signed.

[Woman #1 rolls her eyes and turns to Phoebe, who's still watching the cellist.]

Woman #2: Miss Sparkle...

[Phoebe turns to her, then back to the cellist.]

Woman #2: I think I've only had three classes of orgasms. How do I get to the sixth? Or seventh?

Phoebe: You need to experiment. Try a new lover. Try several.

Woman #1: Bu - but - in your book -

Phoebe: Shhh.

[Phoebe watches as the cellist plays. When the cellist finishes, the audience claps. Phoebe stands.]

Phoebe: That was just divine. Do you take requests?

Cellist: Well, what's your desire?

Phoebe: Your pleasure.

[The cellist smiles then starts to sing in French.]


[Phoebe and the cellist are in one of the cabins.]

Phoebe: You ready for number four?

[Phoebe goes down on the cellist.]


[Several women listen at the door, laughing quietly.]


[Phoebe and the cellist are having s*x in the jacuzzi.]


[Phoebe and the cellist are having s*x against the railing on the deck.]

Cellist: Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop.

[The cellist squeals.]


[Mark is asleep in bed with a woman. His computer is on. Jenny is on the monitor, shown in her room. She is looking at the camera and speaking in a childish voice as she undresses.]

Jenny: (monitor) My name is Mary. And I'm fourteen years old, and I'm a virgin. My pussy's never been touched by a big cock before.

[Mark stirs in bed. He rolls over and spoons with the woman.]

Jenny: (monitor) And I want you to f*ck me. Here's my pussy. I want you...

[Mark realizes he's hearing Jenny. He sits up.]

Jenny: (monitor) ... to take your big cock, and I want you to shove it up my ass. A boy has never seen my tits before.

[Mark flies out of bed and turns the monitor off.]


[Jenny stands topless in front of a mirror. She's writing across her chest with a marker: "Is this what you want?" An urgent knock comes at her door.]

Mark: (muffled through door) Jenny.

Jenny: Come in.

[Jenny doesn't make any effort to hide. She faces the door and puts her hands on her hips. Mark enters slowly.]

Mark: Jenny, you have no idea what's -

[Mark stops when he sees Jenny, topless, with her message scrawled on her chest.]

Mark: No, this is not what I want.

[Mark closes the door.]

Mark: Jenny, you have the wrong idea about this, please.

[Jenny grabs some clothes and starts to dress. Mark sees his video camera sitting on a table.]

Mark: Is that my camera?

Jenny: Yeah. And I'm gonna use it now.

Mark: And that's my tape of Shane and Carmen.

Jenny: I don't really think that's your tape.

Mark: Look. I know what you think of me right now. I know that I don't have a very good track record with things I've made but I wanna make a documentary -

Jenny: You have violated us. You are violating us.

Mark: I know.

Jenny: You have crossed every line of trust. And don't you dare tell me this is for the sake of art.

Mark: Please. Watch my documentary. You know me. You'll understand. It's not what you think it is. I know that I crossed the line. I know that I went too far with this.

[Jenny picks up the video camera and starts to film Mark as he pleads.]

Mark: Look, when I moved here, this was just something I did, you know, but, you have to know -

Jenny: Do you have any sisters?

Mark: (a beat) Yes, I have two younger sisters.

Jenny: Mkay. I want you to ask them a question.

[Jenny sets the camera back down.]

Jenny: And the most important thing is that you really listen... to their answer. I want you to ask your sisters about the very first time that they were intruded upon by some man, or a boy.

Mark: What makes you think my sisters have been intruded upon?

Jenny: Because there isn't a single girl or woman in this world that hasn't been intruded upon and and sometimes it's relatively benign, and sometimes it's so f*cking painful.

[Mark stares at the floor.]

Jenny: But you. Have no idea. What this feels like.

[Mark looks full of regret. Jenny eyes him sternly.]

Mark: For what it's worth, I already began taking down the cameras and I will finish taking down the rest of them today. I'm gonna go tell Shane now what I've done, and you guys can talk -

Jenny: No.

Mark: - you don't ever have to speak to me again, I'm gonna pack my sh1t -

Jenny: I said no.

Mark: - and I'll move out.

Jenny: You're not gonna talk to Carmen. And you're not gonna talk to Shane. You're not gonna wreck their vacation and f*ck with their lives anymore. (sternly) I'm gonna decide... when you can take those rapey cameras down.

[Mark stares at the floor and nods.]

Jenny: Now get the f*ck out of my room.

[Mark looks hurt. He leaves. Jenny finishes buttoning up her shirt.]


[A line is formed at the counter. The barista serves a customer a cup of coffee.]

Barista: There you go.

Customer: Thank you.

[The customer walks off. The line behind him is long. Kit is making her way down the line, taking orders from the other customers.]

Kit: And what would you like today?

Male customer: I'll have an organic salad and a Cafe Americano?

Kit: (writing) Okay.

[Kit gives him his receipt and moves to the female customer behind him.]

Kit: And what would you like?

[Benjamin walks up behind her and puts a bouquet of flowers in her face.]

Female customer: Uh -

Benjamin: I'd like to know if the lady will join me for a lunch.

[Kit doesn't turn around to look at him. She looks miffed.]

Kit: Benjamin, I'm really busy. (to customer) And what would you like?

Benjamin: Then dinner, followed by breakfast in bed.

[Benjamin pokes his nose in her hair and smiles. She finally relents and smiles a little.]


[Alice sits at the mic with Dana at her side. Alice speaks nervously into the mic.]

Alice: You're listening to K-C-R-W. This is Alice Pieszecki, of The Chart.

[Alice dings a pencil against 3 water-filled glasses. Each makes a different noise. Dana grins from ear to ear.]

Alice: Uh. Today, my special guest on the chart is my girlfriend, Dana Fairbanks. Now, Dana -

Dana: Hi!

[Dana waves and grins. Alice looks at her.]

Alice: Mkay. Uh - who is responsible for today's piece of inner-connectedness. (clears throat) Dana got invited to speak on the lifestyles leadership panel on an Olivia Cruise for women. Wha -

Dana: For gay women, actually!

Alice: Okay -

Dana: It's called "Lesbians Dynamics, Love, and Friendship".

Alice: Now -

Dana: And it's gonna me and Phoebe Sparkle and probably -

Alice: Uh, sorry. Dana, um, I'm not really ready to go there yet. (clears throat) So she's taking me, and also our friends -

Dana: (whispers) Sorry.

Alice: Jenny, Shane, and Carmen. Now. Just to digress for a minute into lesbian linkage 101, originally Shane and Carmen hooked up. But now, Carmen is seeing Jenny, who's totally coming out of the closet. Whe -

Dana: (whispering) You can't tell them that, Alice!

Alice: Um, anyway. Back to the big web of connectivity.

[Alice dings on the glasses.]

Alice: One of my major idols, Phoebe Sparkle, a briliant writer and acclaimed sexpert and -

Dana: And she's a very nice -

[Alice covers Dana's mouth with her hand.]

Alice: What she, uh, is going to be doing is speaking on the panel with Dana.


[Jenny sits on the bed, in front of Mark's video camera. All over the bed are old books, old notebooks, and very old, black and white photos of Jenny's family. The era of most of the photos seems to be pre-World War II.]

Jenny: Hi mom. As you can see, I have all our family pictures here and I'm video taping this because I have a couple of questions for you about zayda. (grandfather)

[Jenny pics up an old photo of an old man in a long, white beard. An older woman stands at his side. Jenny rubs her thumb over the picture of the old man.]

Jenny: I would like to know if Zaydeh lost his mind when he began to transcribe the Torah by hand, or did that cause him to lose his mind. Do you remember the day they took him away? And then I wanted to ask you questions about Grandma.

[Jenny picks up another old photo, this one of a middle-aged man and woman with an infant between them. She holds it up for the camera, then looks at it.]

Jenny: Or Grandma, if you're watching this, I wanted to ask you questions about your experience in Auschwitz. I wanted to know if, when you arrived in Auschwitz, did they separate you from your daughter? (voice wavering) And I wanted to know if you remember the name of the Unterscharfuhrer who took your arm and branded you with that tattoo. Do you remember his eyes... do you remember if he used a steel plate -

[A knock comes at the door.]

Jenny: - or did he use a needle...

[Jenny looks down sadly at the photo in her hands. Carmen enters.]

Carmen: I'm - I'm really sorry to interrupt. I just... wanted to say hello to you, but you know what, I can come back at another time if, um -

[Jenny doesn't turn around.]

Jenny: No, it's okay.

Carmen: Are you sure?

Jenny: Yeah. I'm just working on a project about my family.

Carmen: Wow.

[Carmen sits on the bed next to Jenny. Jenny smiles as she shows the pictures.]

Jenny: This is my family.

Carmen: Oh, my goodness.

Jenny: (pointing to camera) And I'm making a tape for my mom. (to Carmen) Say hi to my friend Carmen.

Carmen: (smiling) Oh, um, hello Mrs. Schecter. (giggles)

Jenny: And that is my mom.

[Jenny hands a photo to Carmen.]

Carmen: She's beautiful.

[Carmen looks at the photo, smiling. Jenny's smile fades.]

Carmen: Um, have you packed?

Jenny: No.

Carmen: Do you want me to help you start or something?

Jenny: No. I totally forgot. I've just been so engrossed in this project. And I'm really into it, so (sniffles) I've decided I'm not gonna go on the trip.

[Carmen wipes a tear from Jenny's cheek. Jenny looks at her photos.]

Jenny: I want you to go away with Shane.

Carmen: What?

Jenny: Yep.

Carmen: With Shane. Wha -

Jenny: Because I think you guys will have a blast together.

Carmen: Jenny, absolutely not. You are not going to pull out of this.

Jenny: You know -

Carmen: No excuses. No. You're coming.

Jenny: This is not an excuse. When Burr Connor fired me, he just - the best thing that came out of that experience was, he was like, you gotta tell the truth about your life, and you have to be truthful about your work, and that's all I wanna do is just tell the f*cking truth and I -

Carmen: Alright, alright, alright, okay, okay, fine, fine, well here's a truth: I would like to go with my girlfriend. So, you know -

Jenny: (looks at Carmen) Who's that?

Carmen: It's you.

Jenny: Please just tell me the truth.


[Helena and Tina are in the dressing room. Tina is trying on an expensive black evening dress. Helena pushes the curtain back to talk to the store clerk just outside. She pulls on the thin straps that hold the top of the dress up.]

Helena: Yes, do you think we could pull these straps up a little? Because...

[Helena puts her hands on Tina's breasts from behind and squeezes them together.]

Helena: ... this is what I want to see.

[Tina looks uncomfortable. Helena smiles and nuzzles her.]

Clerk: No problem at all.

Helena: Good. We'll take it.

[Tina furrows her brow.]

Tina: (to Clerk) Can you excuse us for a minute, please?

Clerk: Of course.

Tina: Thanks.

[The clerk pulls the curtain shut.]

Tina: (to Helena, whispering) This is a $5,000 dress.

Helena: And?

Tina: They're giving me an award for community service. I don't want to show up in some sort of extravagant, over-the-top gown. That money could be used in so many other ways.

Helena: (gently) Tina, please... don't tell me what I can and cannot spend my own money on. Do you know how much money I personally give away every year? How many charities the Peabody Foundation sponsors? I mean... (looking Tina over) it would give me utmost pleasure to buy you this dress, so... please. Be gracious enough to let me?

[Tina smiles a little. Helena kisses her. They smile. Helena giggles, then opens the curtain.]

Helena: (to clerk) We'll take it.

[Helena gets her credit card out of her billfold while Tina looks at herself in the mirror.]

Helena: Did I mention I invited Bette?

Tina: What?


[Shane is walking down the hall outside Jenny's room.]

Jenny: Hey, Shane. C'mere.

[Shane enters. Jenny seems in better spirits.]

Jenny: Hi.

Carmen: Okay, um, I have something to tell you. This one right here, she doesn't wanna go.

Shane: What?

Jenny: Not going.

Shane: You're going on that cruise.

Jenny: I'm not going.

Shane: Yes you are.

Jenny: No I'm not. I don't want to. You know why? I'm actually working on something that's important to me and I just don't wanna f*ck around anymore and I wanna be serious about my work.

Shane: (shrugs) Okay. If you're not going, I'm not going.

Carmen: What!

[Shane starts to leave.]

Jenny: Uh!

Carmen: Wait a minute! No, come back!

Jenny: Come back here!

Carmen: If you don't go, and you don't go, then I'm not gonna go, and I wanted to go! And - and - and - I guess Dana and Alice are gonna have to be pissed because no one's gonna go!

Jenny: Oh, my god!

Carmen: I'm not gonna go!

Jenny: I'm gonna go! I'm gonna go!

[Shane and Jenny high-five.]

Jenny: We're gonna be a f*cking threesome, man! (laughs)

[Carmen doesn't look happy with the idea.]


[Alice and Dana are packing.]

Dana: I don't know. But we're both still taking ginger, alright? Oh, and just in case? I've got these two things for seasickness.

[Dana puts a bottle of pills in her bag.]

Alice: You're not gonna get seasick.

[Dana looks at their packing list.]

Dana: There's no reason for both of us to take things like toothpaste, or... razors, or...

[Alice throws clothes in her bag. She looks irritated.]

Dana: ... Q-Tips... or hand sanitizer. Al?

Alice: Hm?

Dana: What's wrong?

Alice: Nothing.

Dana: Yes there is. Okay, let's just work this out before we get on the giant boat that sinks with you mad at me.

[Dana is ignored.]

Dana: Alice?

[Still ignored. Dana tosses her hands up.]

Dana: Look, I am a wreck about this cruise and you're not helping.

Alice: How would you feel, Dana, if I - if I came down and I just interrupted one of your matches, or - or... corrected one of your shots?

Dana: Okay. Is this about me talking on your show?

Alice: You weren't talking, you were interrupting me, and you don't even respect the fact that it was my gig! And I feel like I'm always there for you.

[Alice sighs. Dana crawls over the bed to her.]

Dana: I'm really sorry.

[Alice smiles. They kiss, then hug.]

Dana: I'm such an ass.

Alice: It's alright.

Dana: Sorry. I just hate these cruises. I just get really seasick and scared, you know?

Alice: You don't have to be that scared. I'm gonna be there to take care of you, baby.

[Dana grins. They kiss.]

Alice: Look at it this way: No one ever got sick on The Love Boat.

Dana: Actually, that's not true. Corey Parker. He was horribly seasick.

Alice: No, no, no, the ship's doctor was Bernie Koppell. Doctor Adam Bricker.

Dana: Right. And then Corey Parker played Doctor John Morgan, um, his replacement. It was the sequel: Love Boat: The Next Wave.

Alice: Well, yeah, but that doesn't count, it doesn't have Gopher and Isaac Washington and, you know, Captain Merrill Stubing. That's not The Love Boat.

Dana: And don't forget Julie.

Alice: Right.

[Dana chuckles and nods, indicating she thought Julie was hot.]

Dana: Hel-lo.

Alice: Really?


[Shane is packing. Mark enters. He clears his throat. She turns and sees him.]

Shane: Hey.

Mark: Hey.

Shane: Hmph. You scared me.

Mark: How's the packing coming along?

[Shane looks at him.]

Shane: What's up with you?

Mark: You're liable to hear sh1t about me while you're gone, and since I won't be there to defend myself, I just... I don't want you to think I'm a total asshole.

Shane: What'd you do?

Mark: Can't tell you. I'm sorry. I promise you you'll find out eventually, though.

Shane: You're being really intense and cryptic right now.

Mark: Yeah, well, it's my style - really intense and cryptic. It's how I get all the ladies.

[Shane chuckles and continues packing.]

Mark: Yeah. Shane... I just want you to know that... that I'm your friend.

[Shane looks at him, really respecting his words.]

Shane: I'm your friend, too.


[The busy LAX airport. Lots of people walk around the passenger drop off areas. Porters push carts around. A black stretch limo pulls up.]

Alice: (off screen) Do you think that Captain Stubing got more women, or the doctor?

Carmen: (off screen) No, the doctor did not get more women -

Alice: (off screen) He gets so many!

[The girls get out of the limo and go to the back. A porter hands them their bags. Everyone has one of those overhead compartment-sized travel bags on rollers.]

Carmen: Captain Stubing and Julie were not having an affair. Okay? Did you ever watch the show? Captain Stubing was married!

Alice: Right. But supposedly somebody was a big homo.

Carmen: What?!

Shane: Who cares!

Jenny: Why do we say it like being a homo is, like, some dirty secret?

Carmen: Thank you, exactly. (to porter) Thank you.

Dana: (to porter) Thank you.

Alice: You guys, this is fantastic, we're all carrying-on.

Dana: What? No, no! No. I'm checking! I'm checking.

[Alice gives Dana a look as they go inside.]


[The airport is filled with people all going in separate directions. A man speaks over an intercom somewhere. The girls walk in through a couple of sets of mechanical doors.]

[Shane and Carmen walk together. Jenny follows behind them a few feet. Dana and Alice are at the back, bickering.]

Alice: I don't know why you're being like this, your bag will totally fit in the overhead compartment.

Dana: No, it's too heavy.

Alice: No, it's not. Do you want me to take it, 'cause I'll switch with you.

Dana: No! I don't! Just...

[Dana's bag flips over as she rolls it. She stops and flips it back over.]

Dana: Look, I just don't wanna put it through security, okay?

Alice: Why?

Dana: I don't - I just don't!

Alice: Okay, fine, you're gonna hold everyone else up, because no one else is checking anything.

[Alice stomps off. Dana tries to hurry after her.]

Dana: Alice! Al! Al!

[The bag flips over again.]

Dana: Goddammit! Alice...


[Bette pulls up outside a hotel, where Melvin stands outside waiting. She gets out of the car and smiles and waves.]

Bette: Daddy!

[He smiles. They hug. Bette is very happy to see him.]

Bette: What a nice surprise!

[Melvin laughs happily as he hugs Bette.]

Bette: How are you?

Melvin: I'm very well. And you?

Bette: I'm good. I'm so happy you're here!

Melvin: Oh!

Bette: I'm gonna take you to the office where we're gonna see an amazing painting...

[Melvin moves slowly. Bette helps him to the car.]

Bette: ... that I have on load from the Getty, and then we're gonna have lunch with an incredible artist. Do you remember Allyn Barnes?

Melvin: Is he the painter?

Bette: No, it's not her painting, the painting is 14th century, by Dosso Dossi. No, Allyn Barnes was my teacher at Yale. She's probably one of our most important living artists.

Melvin: Never heard of her.

[Bette smiles, but seems to be hiding disappointment. Melvin gingerly sits down inside the car. Bette closes his door and gets in the driver's seat.]

Bette: (smiling) She's the reason I wanted to go into the arts.

Melvin: I thought that was your mother's influence. Ah. She was a... great artist. Ah. You remember her water colors, don't you?

Bette: (smiling) Of course I do, daddy. I have all of them.

[Bette drives off.]


[As usual, there's a long line of people waiting to go through. A TSA officer waves a metal detecting wand over some of the people on the side. It whistles in alert. Carmen and Jenny grab their bags as they come out of the x-ray machine. Behind them, Shane hesitates before walking through the upright metal detector.]

TSA Officer #1: Step through please, ma'am. C'mon.

[Shane does. The metal detector beeps.]

TSA Officer #1: Hold it there. Okay, go over to the side, please.

[Shane rolls her eyes.]

TSA Officer #1: Thank you.

Alice: Dana, nobody cares about medication.

[Alice bumps Dana through the upright metal detector.]

TSA Officer #1: Alright, go ahead.

[Dana gets to the x-ray machine just in time to see her bag being pulled back in.]

TSA Officer #1: Put your arms up.

[Alice raises her arms as she walks through the detector.]

TSA Officer #1: Thank you.

[Dana reaches for her bag.]

Dana: Come back!

[Dana turns and glares at Dana.]

Alice: What?

Dana: This is all your fault.

TSA Officer #2: (to TSA Officer #3) Faye. Come here.

[Off to the side, the third TSA Officer, Faye, is busy patting Shane down with the metal detector wand. Shane has her arms out to her sides. She looks annoyed in her pose.]

TSA Officer #2: I think we got something here.

[TSA Officer #2 shows Faye the x-ray image of Dana's bag. The x-ray is a mix of red, green, and blue, and we can see a mix of things inside the bag, including something long, almost resembling a gun. TSA Officer #2 points it out.]

TSA Officer #2: What is it? Some kind of a weapon?

[Alice and Dana watch nervously. Dana glares at Alice again.]

TSA Officer #2: Ladies? Step over here, please?


[The contents of Dana's bag is laid out on a table. Pills, soap, bath products, clothing, leather handcuffs. #2 continues to pull things out. He reaches in and pulls out leather straps, attached to a dildo.]

TSA Officer #2: What... the... hell... is...

[Dana puts her face in her hand. #2 holds the strap-on up in plain sight of everyone. He bends it, his eyes transfixed on it. Carmen and Jenny gasp.]

Jenny: Oh no!

Alice: Just - it -

[Alice quickly grabs the strap-on and holds it up to her crotch, showing the officer what it's supposed to be.]

Alice: 'K?

Jenny: I like the sound of that.

[Faye smiles at Alice.]

Alice: Great.

[Alice sets the strap-on on the table and folds her arms. Dana is embarrassed. Faye raises her brows. #2 pulls out a long chain with small clamps on the ends.]

Alice: Yeah. Nipple clamps.

[He squeezes the clamps.]

Alice: (mumbling to Dana) When did you get those?

[Dana shrugs.]

Alice: Baby!

[They giggle and nuzzle. #2 gives the nipple clamps to Faye.]

Faye: You can't take these on the plane, ladies. You know better than that.

[Faye puts the clamps in her pocket. Dana sadly reaches her hand out. She looks crushed.]

TSA Officer #2: Thank you, ma'am. You can go ahead and pack this back up.

Alice: Great.

[Alice and Dana throw the stuff, minus the nipple clamps but plus the strap-on, back in Dana's bag. Carmen and Jenny watch, smiling.]

Jenny: Oh, my god.

Faye: (winking to Alice) Have fun.

Alice: Yeah! Good, thanks!


[Melvin, Bette, and Allyn stand before the Dosso Dossi painting, "Allegory of Fortune", that Bette was talking about earlier. The painting depicts a man and a woman, representing chance and Fortune, wrapped in flowing robes. Chances holds up a handful of lottery tickets in front of Fortune, who sits on a bubble and holds a cornucopia.]

Allyn: Melvin, you seem to be missing the point of the painting. It's about the fleetingness of fortune.

Melvin: I just see it differently.

Allyn: You don't think that the man in the painting is enjoying his life?

Melvin: I don't. Of course I don't. He looks miserable. Spiritually void. The only true abundance is harmony with God.

Allyn: Ah, so faith assures prosperity, is that what you're saying?

Melvin: Figuratively speaking, yes.

Allyn: There it is. The dangling carrot of the Ashcrofts and the Bushies.

Melvin: I beg your pardon. I have nothing in common with the Ashcrofts or the Bushies.

[Bette stares at the painting, looking a little uncomfortable.]

Allyn: It's mercenary Christianity, keeping us mortals in thrall through a combination of fear and payola. It makes me want to go back into a cave and never come out again.

Melvin: That would be your prerogative, madame.

[Melvin walks off. Bette sighs.]


[Bette walks down the hall, looking for Melvin.]

Bette: Daddy?

[Bette sees him shuffle past at the opposite end of the hall. She walks toward him. He shuffles past in the opposite direction.]

Bette: Daddy?

[Melvin stops and looks at her. Bette walks to him.]

Bette: Where are you going?

[Melvin looks around, seemingly disoriented.]

Bette: Here, come on. Are you okay?

Melvin: Yeah.

Bette: We're right here.

[Bette takes him by the arm and walks him into her office a few feet away.]


[Bette and Melvin sit down on the couch. Bette looks concerned.]

Melvin: Actually, I... I liked the painting very much.

Bette: (smiling) Oh, good. I'm glad.

Melvin: She just wanted to make me feel ignorant. Your mother and I... (chuckles) We had some heavy arguments. Ah. Smartest woman I ever met. But she was never condescending.

Bette: Daddy... if you loved her so much, then why did you let her leave? Why didn't you try to salvage the marriage?

Melvin: You wouldn't understand.

Bette: Give me a chance.

Melvin: You would've had to have experienced that bond of marriage to appreciate how much I hurt your mother.

Bette: I think I might be able to understand that, daddy.

[Melvin looks at her, then looks down. Bette tries to brush it off. She gets up and goes to her desk.]

Bette: I made a reservation for us at 8:00 at a restaurant called Angelina Osteria. They have really great -

Melvin: I'd prefer to eat at the hotel restaurant tonight. That is, if you don't mind.

Bette: (shrugging) Okay. Whatever you want.

Melvin: And how about seeing if Katie could join us?

Bette: (smiling) You want Kit to come to dinner with us?

Melvin: Yeah. I'd like to see her.

Bette: Well, her boyfriend's in town. He's only here for a couple of days, so...

Melvin: Well, she should bring him too.

[Bette looks troubled.]

Bette: I'll call her.

[Bette picks up the phone, then stops.]

Bette: You know, daddy, I'm struck by the fact that you just invited Kit's boyfriend to come to dinner with us, and she's only been seeing him a short while, but you have not yet said a word about Tina.

Melvin: Well, of course you're welcome to bring her too, if that's what you wish.

Bette: We've split up.

Melvin: Oh. Well, then... I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

Bette: Nothing. You're not supposed to say anything.

[Bette sighs as she dials the phone.]


[A big fancy cruise liner, anchored at a pier.]


[Groups are beginning to board the ship. Phoebe Sparkle and the girl from earlier are making out on the side. As our girls go by, they stare.]

Carmen: Can you believe this? We're actually on a cruise. Jenny! It's going to be fun!

[Carmen, Jenny and Shane pass. Alice and Dana follow. Dana is putting on her seasickness wristband.]

Dana: I've got my little -

[Alice grabs Dana's arm and tries to "act normal" as they pass.]

Dana: Aaagh!

Alice: (singsong) It's Phoebe Sparkle... (gasps) Wait, I want to watch and see if she makes that girl come.

Dana: Can she do that?

Alice:I'm kidding, Dana.

Dana: Oh, my God.


[A common area, where all the various women are gathering and some of the ship's crew are standing to greet them. The girls pass a group of older women, one of whom is speaking to her own group.]

OWL Member: Ladies, welcome to OWLs. It stands for "older, wiser lesbians." We talk about how spirituality and sexuality are combined, and our definition of "orgasm" is that it is the kiss of God that brings ecstasy to consciousness...

[Jenny and Shane smile at each other as they pass the OWLs.]

Fan: Dana! Dana Fairbanks!

[Dana looks delighted as the fans clamor around her, waving notepads and pens.]

Fans: Oh, over here, over here, let me have your autograph.

Dana: Alright.

[Alice wanders off, straight to the Captain and his first mate. She saunters up to the Captain.]

Alice: Hi. How are you? I'm Alice. Nice to meet you.

Captain: Nice to meet you.

Alice: Can I ask you a question?

Captain: Yeah, sure.

[Alice whispers in his ear.]

Captain: Yeah, sure.

Alice: Yeah? We'll talk?

Captain: Yeah, sure.

Alice: Okay. Excellent.

[Alice turns and smiles and walks back to Dana.]


[The three enter a room barely big enough to hold a double bed. They all crowd around the bed.]

Carmen: Oh. God. I thought we were supposed to have a suite.

Jenny: Well, I have an idea. Why don't we all sleep together, and Carmen, you can sleep in the middle?

[Shane and Carmen look at Jenny like she's lost her mind.]

Jenny: I'm going to go explore.

Shane: Even for Jenny, she's acting weird.


[Alice and Dana walk into their large, lavish, nicely-furnished suite.]

Alice: (gasps) f*ck!

Dana: Oh, my god. This is sweet!

Alice: Aww...

[Alice sees a bouquet of red roses on the table. She reads the card.]

Alice: (reading) "Welcome aboard, Dana Fairbanks and friends. We hope you enjoy your time with us. From Olivia Cruise. "P.S., Thank you, Alice, for talking up our cruise on your show."

Dana: That was nice!

Alice: Yeah, I made it up.


[The ship is underway, at sea. The horn blows.]


[A large crowd of women are gathered in the sunshine to hear Phoebe Sparkle speak on her panel. Dana is also on the panel. A woman in the crowd stands up.]

Woman on panel: Yes, the woman in the back.

Woman in the back: Miss Sparkle, do you think it's possible to be a committed relationship and still carry on a, uh... polyamorous lifestyle?

Phoebe: It's certainly possible. The most important thing is to know that jealousy will rear its head.

[Jenny smiles at Shane. Shane looks uncomfortable.]

Phoebe: You have to agree with your primary loved one to be honest about your feelings, and you have to make rules.

Woman on panel: Woman in yellow?

Woman in yellow: Dana Fairbanks... will you marry me?

[Dana blushes. The crowd cheers and applauds.]

Dana: Sure! No, I'm sorry. (laughs) Uh, thank you, actually, very much, but I'm in one of those, um... committed relationships, and we're not poly... amorphic, or whatever it is. (laughs)

Phoebe: Well, that also works, but I'm guessing that Dana and her partner know how to spice things up.

[The crowd whoops and applauds. Alice playfully salutes Dana from the crowd.]

Woman on panel: All right, we have time for one more question. Right there. (points to Jenny)

Jenny: Miss Sparkle, what is your advice on three-ways?

[The crowd cheers and hoots.]

Jenny: Yay!

[Carmen gives Jenny a look. Shane stares into the distance.]

Phoebe: Well, I think they're great. I'm a big, big fan of group s*x. The only thing is that all parties have to be signed on for the same agenda.

[Jenny nods.]

Woman on panel: So that's the end of our panel for today. I want to thank you all for being here. It's been a pleasure.

[The crowd applauds.]


[Bette and Melvin are having dinner.]

Bette: You should really see Disney Hall, daddy.

Melvin: Okay, but not too early.

Bette: (smiling) Since when did you become a sleepyhead? I do have to get back by 5:00 to get dressed. Tina's being honored.

[Melvin looks at her. Bette beams with pride. Melvin looks away. Bette looks hurt.]

Bette: Don't you want to know why Tina's being honored?

Melvin: Yes, certainly, if you want to tell me.

[Kit and Benjamin walk up to the table. Melvin stands.]

Melvin: Katie...

Kit: Daddy...

[They smile at each other.]

Kit: Daddy, I'd like for you to meet my friend Benjamin Bradshaw.

[Benjamin extends his hand. Melvin smiles and looks at them like it's Christmas morning.]

Melvin: Mr. Bradshaw.

Benjamin: Nice to meet you, sir.

[Kit smiles, but doesn't seem very happy. She looks at Bette. They all sit. Benjamin helps Kit with her chair.]

Kit: Thank you. (to Bette) Hey, baby sis.

Bette: Kit.


[They're eating dinner.]

Melvin: Now... how did you conceive it, this, uh... "Theory of Everything"?

Benjamin: Are you familiar with quantum physics?

Melvin: Mm. Oh, then it is the Unified Field Theory.

Kit: The unified what theory?

Melvin: Simply, Einstein's... attempt to... explain the mind of God.

Benjamin: Well, that's a marvelous way of looking at it. It includes everything, from Creation to supernovas, to atoms...

Melvin: Even DNA. Our hearts. Our minds.

Kit: It's really been working for me.

Benjamin: Did you tell your father about your business?

Melvin: Business? What business?

Kit: Well, daddy, it's a cafe. I bought it from a friend of Bette's -

Bette: (smiling) It's not just a cafe. Kit has turned it into this swanky nightclub.

[Melvin coughs a little. He puts his napkin to his lips. He looks ill. He stands.]

Melvin: Excuse me. I'll be right back.

[Melvin slowly shuffles away from the table. Bette watches him with a concerned look.]


[The ship is at sea. Dance music is heard throbbing. The ship is lit up.]


[Carmen is dancing with a couple of girls. Nearby, Jenny and Shane are dancing. Jenny puts her arms around Shane's neck. Shane smiles and twirls her around. Jenny and Carmen dance close, then kiss. Jenny grabs Shane nearby while they're still kissing, and tries to push her into the kiss. When they're all close, Jenny pulls back and Carmen and Shane are left kissing. The moment is too intense; they stop dancing. Shane's lips are an inch from Carmen's. There are a couple of tentative kisses, but Shane doesn't go any further. The room seems to fall away for them as they are both completely focused on the other.]

[Jenny dances nearby.]

[Shane pulls away from Carmen. They both look completely overwhelmed. Shane walks away. Jenny runs her hand through Shane's hair as she walks off, then through Carmen's. Carmen snaps out of her daze and stands on the floor looking lost.]


[Shane leans on the railing of the ship and stares out into the night. She smokes a cigarette. The moonlight reflects off the dark horizon.]


[Kit sets a table for her, Bette, and Melvin. Bette is showing Melvin around the place.]

Bette: She has a stage up there, and then if you take the tables away...

Kit: Hey, you two!

Melvin: Hi!

Kit: Hi!

[They laugh and hug.]

Melvin: And where is Benjamin this morning?

Kit: Um, well, he's at the hotel. He decided that we might like a little family time together. Daddy, have a seat.

[They sit. Bette looks worn out.]

Kit: And how about you, baby sis?

Bette: I didn't sleep very well. I need an espresso.

[Kit looks at Bette like she's not going to get up and get it for her.]

Melvin: He's staying at a hotel? He doesn't live here?

Kit: Um... no, dad, he lives in Portland, Oregon.

Melvin: Portland, Oregon? What's in Portland, Oregon?

Kit: Um... well... he, um...

[Bette kicks Kit in the leg, under the table.]

Bette: (to Melvin) He - he - it's probably what he needs. I mean, really, when he's working, there are all these people clamoring after him, and he probably just needs to get away.

Melvin: Makes perfect sense. (to Kit) Have you been to Portland?

Kit: Uh, no, not yet.

[Bette stands.]

Bette: (to Kit) I really need that espresso. Do you mind?

Kit: Yeah, yeah. Espresso. Right.

[Bette and Kit go to the serving counter.]


[Kit pours espresso into a cup.]

Bette: You can't tell him Benjamin's married. He's so happy now.

Kit: (sighs) I hate lying to him.

Bette: Kit, you know, this is the first time in 14 years you've spent time with daddy. Doesn't it feel good?

[Kit hands Bette her cup of espresso.]

Kit: Yeah, it feels real good.

Bette: Then why don't you just enjoy it for a while, and let him enjoy it?

[They head back to the table.]

Kit: Here you go, daddy.

[Melvin picks up the tiny espresso cup. It shakes in his hand.]

Melvin: It's so... so small, I can... hardly pick it up.

[Kit and Bette watch him as he sips.]

Melvin: Ahh. Katie, why don't we have dinner here tonight, hm?

Kit: (surprised) Yeah!

[Kit smiles at Bette. Bette raises her brows with a smile back.]

Melvin: I, uh... would like to try out your chef, and your sister here has a prior engagement with Ms. Kennard.

[Bette fiddles with her ring-less ring finger as she stares at her father.]

Bette: Daddy, do you think you could call her Tina? That's her name. Tina. For the millionth time, her name is Tina. How long have you known her?

[Melvin looks dumbstruck.]

Melvin: Very well. Tina. Uh... (to Kit) Will Benjamin be able to join us?

Bette: You know, I'm just going to leave you two to plan your evening.

[Bette stands and gets her things.]

Kit: Bette...

Melvin: What's wrong?

Bette: You have no regard for what I'm going through, daddy. None. And until you can acknowledge that my relationship of eight years was every bit as meaningful as your marriage to my mother...

[Melvin stares up at his daughter.]

Bette: ... until you can see that my heart is broken because I failed the woman I love, perhaps in the same way that you failed my mother, then I really have nothing else to say. Except, you know... I am not giving up. I'm not gonna end up sad and alone and full of regret.

[Bette walks off. Melvin looks completely lost. Kit looks at him sadly, then takes his hand in hers.]


[Throngs of lesbians mill around on the decks of the ship. Some are in t-shirts and shorts; many are in bathing suits. Dance music blasts. People are laughing and talking and having a good time girl-watching. Dana and Alice, in their bathing suits, stroll out onto the deck and walk down to the deck below, where hundreds more women dance and sit around a tiny swimming pool. Alice sees a guy serving drinks and grabs one.]

Alice: Oh, I want one of those.

[Dana is mobbed by fans. Alice finds Phoebe Sparkle nearby, signing autographs for a small group of fans, ranging from young to old.]

Dana's Fan #1: Dana Fairbanks? Oh, my God. Thank you for being here. Oh, thank you for coming out, and thank you for living your life.

Dana's Fan #2: Oh, my God, I saw you almost beat Capriati in 2002. I drive a Subaru because of you...

Alice: Phoebe? Hi. Sparkle? Hi. Hi. Hi. I'm Alice Pieszecki. I do a radio show in L.A., The Chart. I'm sure you've heard of it.

[Phoebe smiles and shakes Alice's hand, then goes back to signing autographs.]

Alice: Um, is it true, for research purposes, that you sleep with a different woman every night?

Phoebe: Well, I like to have as much s*x as possible, whenever, wherever, but if I come across someone really amazing... I don't know. Too bad the cellist had to leave the boat.

Old lady: And who's going to be next?

Phoebe: You know, I don't know. I'm open to a new discovery.

[Shane walks up to Alice.]

Shane: Hi. Have you seen jenny?

Alice: No. I'm talking to Phoebe Sparkle.

Shane: (to Phoebe) Hi.

Phoebe: Hello.

[Phoebe takes her sunglasses off and smiles at Shane.]

Shane: Hello, Phoebe Sparkle. (to Alice) You haven't seen her?

Phoebe: Um, can I buy you a drink?

Shane: Uh... okay.

Phoebe: Great.

[Phoebe smiles and starts to head to the bar.]

Alice: Thanks, Shane.

Shane: She offered.

Alice: Mm-hmm.

[Alice wanders off.]


[Not far off, Jenny is dancing in a crowd of women. Carmen walks up. She takes off her sunglasses and furrows her brow. Jenny continues to dance, unaware of Carmen. Carmen looks a little worried. She walks off. Jenny prances over to the pool, lifts her skirt and flashes some women, then jumps in, fully clothed. The other women cheer and howl. Jenny splashes in the water and has a good time.]

Jenny: Aaah!


[Dana and Alice enter. Alice goes to the closet. Dana pours herself a drink. Alice returns, and holds up her prize: a Captain's uniform and hat.]

Alice: (seductively) Well, well, well. What have we got here?

[Dana smiles and puts a hand on her hip.]

Dana: Well, it looks like a Captain's uniform to me.

[Alice throws the uniform on the bed nearby and walks slowly to Dana. Dana pulls her hair up and Alice puts the cap on her. Dana smiles mischeviously.]

Dana: Alice...

Alice: It's hot.

[Alice leads Dana over to the bed.]


[Dana stands by the bed, dressed in the uniform. She struggles with the crotch, then we see why - she pats a huge bulge and seems satisfied. She turns toward the closed bathroom curtain.]

Dana: Okay! Alright, Al, I'm ready.

Alice: (behind curtain) Okay.

[Dana stands 'at ease' and slips into character. The curtain opens and Alice steps out, dressed up like the character Julie from the original Love Boat series, complete with hair, jacket and clipboard. Alice smiles shyly at Dana.]

Dana: Julie...

[Alice steps out and bats her lashes at at Dana.]

Dana: You look... beautiful.

Alice: Oh, Captain Stubing, thank you.

[Alice steps up to Dana.]

Alice: Captain Stubing... (tosses clipboard in the floor)

[Alice tosses the clipboard in the floor. Dana grabs her hand and puts it on the strap-on.]

Alice: Ohh, God, is that a periscope in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

[Dana puts her arm around Alice and forcefully pulls her tighter to her. Alice moans. Dana tosses her on the bed.]

Alice: Oh! Oh Captain, my Captain!

[Dana climbs on top of Alice. A knock comes at the door.]

Woman: (muffled through door) Guys, it's time for dinner.

Alice: What?!

Woman: You're sitting at the Captain's table.

Alice: What - now?!

[Dana goes to the door and opens it.]

Dana: Hi.

Woman: You're late. All the other panelists are already there.

Dana: But, I have to change!

Woman: (tugging on Dana) You look great!

Dana: No, I can't -

Woman: Come on!

[The woman pulls Dana out the door and starts to head down the hall.]

Dana: (to Alice) Julie!

Alice: Captain Stubing!

[Alice runs after them.]


[Piano music plays. A few dozen people are dining. Phoebe, Shane, Jenny and Carmen sit at the Captain's table.]

Phoebe: (to Captain) Most of the women on this cruise? They don't have that kind of freedom. This is the only place where they're completely free to express themselves.

Captain: Mm-hmm.

[Phoebe looks up and sees Dana and Alice approaching, still in costume. Everyone looks over. Dana is holding both hers and Alice's hand in front of her bulging crotch.]

Dana: (grinning) Oh! Hi.

Alice: Hi!

Captain: (standing) Hello, good evening.

Dana: (grinning) Hi.

Captain: Nice to see you.

[The waiter helps seat the two women.]

Captain: Thank you, Anji.

Phoebe: (to Captain) See, these girls are completely in their power, free to go wherever their libido takes them. (chuckles)

[Alice has her hand in Dana's crotch. Alice grabs the strap-on. Dana quickly covers her hand with a dinner napkin.]

Captain: You know, for me, it's just business, and as long as the guests are happy, I'm happy.

Phoebe: Mm.

[Jenny and Carmen are chowing down on salad.]

Carmen: (to Jenny) You want to tell me what's going on with you?

Jenny: Nothing.

Carmen: Nothing?

Jenny: No.

Carmen: Okay. Well, it just... (quietly) it seems like you want a three-way with Shane.

Jenny: You seemed like you were very attracted to her, and I just thought it would, I don't know... it would be interesting. It just came into my head.

Carmen: Are you jealous?

Jenny: No, I'm not -

Carmen: Is that what this is all about?

Jenny: No, I'm not jealous.

Carmen: Just tell me if that's what this is all about.

Jenny: No, I'm not jealous. I just thought... we have to explore our options.

[Jenny looks over to another table.]

Jenny: There.

[A butch woman sits in a tux at the other table. She looks over and smiles at Jenny. Jenny smiles back.]

Carmen: Is that what you want?

Jenny: She's beautiful.

[Carmen doesn't seem to buy it. Jenny smiles at her.]

Carmen: The salad's great.

[Carmen goes back to eating.]


[An extravagant hotel. Cars sit in the passenger loading area.]


[Helena and Tina, dressed in their evening finery, ascend the staircase to the dinner. Dozens of people dressed equally as well are at the top of the stairs, mingling with each other over champagne. Helena instantly starts greeting people and shaking their hands. Saxophone and piano play somewhere in the gathering.]

Helena: How are you? Nice to see you.

Woman: (shaking hands) Helena, hello.

Tina: Nice to see you.

Man: (shaking hands) How are you?

[Helena is meeting and greeting others. Tina looks distracted and glances through the crowd. She spots Bette, dressed to the nines, standing several feet away by herself.]

Tina: (to Helena) I'll be right back.

Helena: Okay.

[Tina walks over to Bette. She looks nervous and excited. They grin at each other.]

Tina: Hi.

Bette: Congratulations.

Tina: Thank you. I means a lot to me that you're here.

Bette: I wouldn't have missed it.

Tina: I've been thinking a lot about us.