04x07 - The Chrismukk-huh?

[bunniefuu]

At Cohen's

Kirsten: Oh, hey, I thought you were hanging Christmas lights.

Ryan: Oh, I took a coffee break, union rules.

Kirsten: Well, you better hurry up, it's going to startraining any minute, and you know how Seth loves his rooftop reindeer.

Ryan: Yeah, don't worry, it'll be up by dinner.

Kirsten: Oh, speaking of dinner, are you going to bring a guest?

Ryan: That's pretty subtle, Kirsten.

Kirsten: I'm not saying you'd bring Taylor, I'm just letting you know that she's welcome.

Ryan: Uh-huh. Well, I don't know. I don't know, it's, uh, it's just...

Kirsten: Oh, you think that if you invite her, she's your girlfriend. Boy, so predictable.

Ryan: Hey, now, inviting a girl over for Christmas Eve, that's like making some sort of announcement.

Kirsten: It's Chrismukkah. We make our own rules.

Ryan: Fine. Set a place for her. I'll invite her today.

Kirsten: Great.

Kirsten: Okay. Oh, my ham guy.

At Roberts'

Kaitlin: Can't believe we're spending Christmas in the ghetto.

Julie: It's not the ghetto. It's Riverside, and it's where our family is from.

Kaitlin: I thought we were in denial about that.

Julie: Kaitlin, in case you hadn't noticed, we're a little short on family these days. I think we should take all we can get.

Taylor: Happy holidays.

Julie: Hello.

Kaitlin: Is that a gift for me? 'Cause I forgot to get you one.

Taylor: No, this is for Ryan. I got him a George Foreman grill because he likes lean meat, obviously.

Julie: Lovely. So, Taylor, uh, Summer's having dinner with the Cohens, but you're welcome to come with us to Riverside, unless of course you're doing something with your mother.

Taylor: Oh, no, no. She sent me a mass E-mail last week. She's spending Christmas in Cabo. She would've invited me, but she knows that I don't like Mexican food. But it's not a problem because I'm having dinner over at Ryan's.

Julie: Oh, I didn't know you were invited over there.

Taylor: I'm not... well, yet. But I'm sure he's going to ask me. Well, I mean, I hope he does. Well, he will. So I better go over there and give him his gift.

Kaitlin: Last chance to come to Riverside. You want to watch my Aunt Cindy do whippets underneath the mistletoe?

Taylor: Uh... no, thanks. But you guys have a good time. Bye.

At Cohen's

Taylor: I know, where's the mistletoe, right? But don't worry, we can kiss anyway.

Ryan: Uh, Taylor, I'm a little busy right now.

Taylor: Well, don't you want your present?

Ryan: Just leave it right there. I'll open it later.

Taylor: You know I just ran into Kirsten in the kitchen, and she was talking to some guy with a huge ham. Are you guys having dinner or something?

Ryan: Uh, yeah.

Taylor: Poor Ryan. All of his muscles are so developed, except for the ones in his mouth. You want to invite me to Chrismukkah, but you don't know how, so I will save you the trouble. I would love to come.

Ryan: Taylor, look, I don't know what's going on between us, but it's only been a few weeks.

Taylor: And you think if you invite me to Chrismukkah, then that makes me your girlfriend.

Ryan: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but yeah.

Taylor: Hurt my feelings? Why would that hurt my feelings? Just because I spent time and money getting you the perfect gift-- which, by the way, happens to be the deluxe version of the George Foreman grill-- and in return you give me a hot, steaming pile of rejection. Well, you know, I think that's just fine. Because I'm used to it, okay? So here, here it is. Grill away.

Ryan: Taylor, I don't want this.

Taylor: No, I took your gift-- the holiday-themed rejection-- so you should take it.

Ryan: No, you take it.

Taylor: I bought it for you. You take it. It's yours. I...

Ryan: Taylor!

At Cohen's - In the kitchen

Man: Whoa, it's going to pour.

Kirsten: Are you sure this is a Virginia ham?

Alternative world

Ryan: Taylor? Taylor, are you... are you hurt?

Taylor: Only my heart, Ryan. Only my heart.

Ryan: Come on up, I'll get you some ice.

Taylor: Oh, you're offering me ice? Hmm, I guess I should jump at that. Here. The receipt's inside. I hope you grill your face.

***

Ryan: Oh, so, I was just in the pool house...

Kirsten: What are you doing in there? I told the supervisor that this is off-limits to the staff.

Ryan: What?

Kirsten: Where is your supervisor?

Ryan: Uh, Kirsten, what are you talking about?

Kirsten: Excuse me, do I know you?

Generic

At Cohen's

Kirsten: I said do I know you?

Ryan: Uh, look, I don't know what's going on, but... I was up on the roof with Taylor...

Kirsten: Is this one of your guys?

Man: Nope, never seen him before.

Kirsten: Oh, great.So now I just have strangers wandering around my house.

Ryan: No, no, no. Where's Seth?

Kirsten: Oh, you're a friend of my son's. He's at the comic book store. If you run into him, will you tell him that I need him home by 5:00? Uh... I have a meeting. Now shoo. I don't want you wandering around my house.

Man: Hey, kid,I got the feeling the dragon lady wanted you out of here.

***

Julie: You see, this is why I feel so strongly about this issue. Take Daryl here. Last week he was homeless. But because of the money we've raised, he has a future to look forward toin the new year.

Journalist: Well, you're quite the philanthropist.

Julie: Yes. And I help people.

Ryan: Julie.

Julie: I love it when they call me by my first name.

Ryan: What are you doing? What is all this?

Julie: Take this, it's a voucher for the mission. Tell them I sent you.

Ryan: You don't know me?

Julie: I know your pain. See, people think that Newport Beach is a cold city, a place of privilege. But even this poor street urchin has found hope here. Now you just run along now, honey.

Man: You heard the lady.

***

Seth: You guys, come on.

Brad: You guys, come on. You guys, come on.

Seth: Would you... would you give me back...

Eric: Would you give me back my wallet?

Seth: Would you... would you give me back my wallet? Seriously.

Eric: Seriously.

Brad: Seriously.

Ryan: Hey, hey, give me that.

Brad: Why, is this your boyfriend? You guys should get a room.

Eric: Yeah. So you can make love in it.

Seth: I make love to ladies. Hey, man, thanks. Do I know you from Brown?

Ryan: You go to Brown?

Seth: Yeah. Who are you?

Ryan: You don't know me either? I can't believe this.

Brad: Hey, dork,your girlfriend's across the way.

Seth: Which one?

Brad: You should check her out.

Eric: She looks good. How does Sandy Cohen have such a loser for a kid?

Ryan: Wait, Sandy Cohen? You know where he is?

Brad: I think I heard he's at a press conference over at the yacht club.

Ryan: Press conference?

Eric: Press conference?

Seth: Oh, just... just look at her. Oh, I shouldn't be watching.

Ryan: Why, bad luck to see the bride?

Seth: Yeah, totally. Oh, God.

Ryan: You okay? Oh!

***

Joe: So what are your plans for the holidays?

Sandy: This holiday, I think my wife and I are just going to take it easy.

Joe: Your wife? I thought she never rested.

Sandy: True, she's a very busy lady. All right, Joe, thanks very much.

Joe: Thanks for your time, Mr. Mayor.

Sandy: And thanks for all your support. As I always say, I am mayor of the greatest city on earth. Vote Sandy Cohen!

Ryan: You're the mayor?

Sandy: Why, you want to call for a recount? Happy holidays.

Ryan: Uh, Sandy, Sandy. Something terrible is happening. And if anyone can make it make sense, it's you.

Man: This guy bothering you, Mr. Mayor?

Sandy: Uh, no. It's fine. All right, kid, slow down, tell me what the problem is.

Ryan: Okay. So, uh, I fell off the roof this morning, and ever since then nobody recognizes me. Even Kirsten threw me out of the house.

Sandy: You saw Kirsten?

Ryan: And Seth doesn't know who I am either. And he's marrying Summer?

Sandy: I see that you're having some trouble and I sympathize with that. But stalking me and my family is not the answer.

Man: Come on, and don't make a fuss.

Sandy: Oh, the poor kid.

***

Eric: What's the matter? Can't find your boyfriend?

At the hospital

Sandy: Kirsten. What happened?

Kirsten: Taylor and Ryan, they were hanging decorations, and I guess the ladder fell.

Sandy: What did the doctors say?

Kirsten: Well, they said apparently there's no serious injury, we just have to wait for them to wake up.

Alternative world

Taylor: Ryan? Is that you?

Ryan: Taylor. You know me?

Taylor: Oh, my God. I found you.

***

Ryan: We're in a parallel universe.

Taylor: Exactly. Okay. And I'm so grateful that if I have to be in a parallel universe, that you're here with me. Oh, that's... Of course you probably wish you were with someone you actually wanted to date. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Ryan: Oh, even in a parallel universe, she never stops. But I mean, we could also be asleep, right? Or dead?

Taylor: Ow. You're awake. As for being dead, I'm guessing if we were, there would be some kind of white light situation, maybe a guy with a beard. Process of elimination, parallel universe.

Ryan: How do you know all this?

Taylor: Oh, tenth grade I had a little sci-fi phase. Alt-universes are huge. Clearly, you and I have entered a world where we don't exist. But don't despair. I know the way back to the real world.

Ryan: Yeah? Does it involve me dating you?

Taylor: Well, well, look who's funny in alt-world.

Ryan: I know.

Taylor: No, Ryan, we have been sent here to fix something. It's the only explanation. Someone or some ones we know are in trouble.

Holly: Summer?! Hi!

Summer: Hi!

Holly: Kiss-kiss.

Ryan: Oh, my God.

Holly: Let me see the hardware.

Summer: What, you mean this old thing?

Holly: Oh, my God!

Summer: Four carats.

Holly: Oh, my God, it's so pretty.

Summer: Can I get a...?

Taylor: Alt-Summer is a mindless bimbo.

Summer: Get it started, Newport! Whoo! I'm so excited.

Holly: So where's the groom?

Summer: Oh, you know him, he's parking. He won't let any of the valets touch his Hummer.

Holly: Right.

Summer: Because that's my job, bitch.

Holly: Right!

Che: Hey, Holly, looking ripped.

Holly: Hey, Chester.

Che: What's up, Mrs. Me?

Summer: Mm-hmm, that's me.

Taylor: Okay, wait a second. I thought you said she was marrying Seth. That's Che, or Chester, I guess, in alt-reality.

Ryan: What's he doing here? I thought he goes to Brown.

Taylor: Okay, what if three years ago his family had planned to move here but you did instead, taking the last spot at Harbor? So without quality education for their child, his family moves to Connecticut. But in a world where you don't exist, the Harbor spot was open, so his family moves here, thereby allowing Che to fulfill his alt-destiny as a Newport bobble head. Well, obviously this is what we've been sent here to fix.

Holly: So, Summer, I saw the most rocked out chairs at Bergdorf. You have to come with me.

Summer: Ooh... baby. Do you mind?

Che: Um, no, I'll just go get pumped.

Summer: But that's my job, bitch. Oh, yeah, give it up. Whoo! Ooh... Hey, bitch!

Taylor: Okay, we need to get started right away. You go to Seth, find out where it all went wrong I will follow Summer and do some recon.

Ryan: Uh, where do we meet?

Taylor: It's alt-universe. We'll just find each other.

At the hospital

Doctor: Their MRIs came back normal, no brain damage, no cause for alarm. They'll wake up soon, I'm sure.

Sandy: Is there anything we can do to help?

Doctor: Talk to them. Make sure they're surrounded by familiar voices, music, even smells. Anything that you think might stimulate them.

Kirsten: Okay, thank you.

Sandy: Thank you.

Summer: Well, somebody should find Taylor's mom. I guess I'll do that.

Seth: Ew, signing up for the su1c1de mission.

Kirsten: Oh, my ham. I have to go home and turn off the oven.

Sandy: Seth and I will take care of the ham. In fact, she just said we should surround them with familiar sounds and smells. So I say we bring Chrismukkah to the hospital.

Kirsten: That's a great idea. And I'll look after Taylor and Ryan. And you be careful with my ham.

Sandy: I'll be very careful.

Alternative world

Che: We're still getting it checked if it's real. Uh, baby, this is business. I've got to take this.

Summer: Okay.

Che: Hey, baby. Yeah. I'll be there in 15 minutes. I'll walk it. You wearing that thong I bought you? Whoo-hoo. Not for long. All right, love you, too. Bye.

Summer: Bye, baby.

***

Ryan: Hello? Hello?

Kirsten: Oh, it's you again. Looking for Seth?

Ryan: Uh, yeah, they told me at the comic book store he came home.

Kirsten: Well, I haven't seen him yet. You might want to try him upstairs. Honey? Could you bring me my glass?

Jommy: Here you go, sweetheart.

Kirsten: Oh, thank you.

Ryan: Jimmy?

Kirsten: You know my husband?

Jimmy: I don't believe we've actually met.

Kirsten: Oh, this is a friend of Seth's.

Jimmy: Oh.

Kirsten: I know, it must be a Christmas miracle.

Jimmy: Well, you should come to the party tonight. All of Newport's going to be there.

Kirsten: Well, they better be, if they want to keep doing business with the Newport Group. Seth!

Jimmy: He's not home. He's probably out stalking Summer Roberts.

Ryan: I'm going to go.

Jimmy: Well, you should stop by, it starts around 7:00. Interesting.

***

Sandy: Oh, and "philanthropist" means you help people.

Julie: Oh, well, you learn something every day. Listen, are you coming home before the party? You know how you sweat through your shirts.

Sandy: Can't we make some excuse?

Julie: Listen, honey, as long as you're mayor and she is head of the Newport Group, you're gonna have to deal with each other. Honestly, I don't know how you were ever married to that ice queen.

Sandy: Well, we were different people back then. I'll be home in a couple hours.

Julie: Bye.

***

Taylor: Joinx! Double-O joinx.

Che: Oh! Oh, give it to me! Oh! Daddy like! Daddy like! I'm a bad kitten!

Taylor: Mima? Hi. No? Yes, you don't know me. Uh, I was just...

Mima: You come visit Missy Cooper?

Taylor: Yes, yes, that's exactly what...

Mima: She come home 3:00. Plane from Berkeley.

Taylor: Triple-O joinx.

***

Taylor: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, move over.

Ryan: Taylor, why don't you just sit over...?

Taylor: Ryan, don't worry. It doesn't mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend. I have huge news.

Ryan: Yeah, well, me, too. Sandy and Kirsten are divorced and she and Jimmy are married.

Taylor: Ew, yikes, that is huge. I can b*at it, though. Sandy Cohen is married to Julie.

Ryan: What?

Taylor: And she's having an affair with Che.

Ran: Whoa. Okay, all right, so this means we need to get Sandy and Kirsten back together and Seth...

Taylor: Ryan, there's something else.

Ryan: Yeah, what else?

Taylor: Um... In this world, Marissa's alive. I was in her room and Mima said her plane lands at 3:00 from Berkeley. Now it seems like everyone is going to this party at Kirsten's, so I think that we can use this opportunity to reunite the Coopers and the Cohens with their rightful partners.

Ryan: Uh, Taylor, can you let me out?

Taylor: Why? Do you have to go to the bathroom? I haven't had to go. It seems like it's not an issue in an alt-world.

Ryan: Taylor, seriously, let me out.

Taylor: Are you going to the airport? Ryan, she won't even know you.

Ryan: It doesn't matter.

Taylor: Even if Marissa is fine in this world, which, thank God she is, we need to focus on fixing what is broken. Because that's what's going to get us back to the real world.

Ryan: But if she's alive...

Taylor: Then you don't want to go back? Okay. I get it. You... you got to go.

Ryan: Sorry.

At Roberts'

Julie: I can't believe we have to drive to Riverside in this. Oh, no, honey, I told you. My family only drinks wine coolers.

Kaitlin: We're having a very Britney Christmas, Mother.

Julie: Yes, watch out. I might put you on my lap while we drive out there.

Summer: Oh, thank God you're still here. Ryan and Taylor are in a coma but we're not supposed to worry.

Julie: What are you talking about?

Summer: They fell off a ladder. But the doctor says they're fine. We just have to wait for them to wake up.

Kaitlin: So it's a coma light?

Summer: Exactly. I have to find Veronica Townsend. Do you know where she is?

Julie: Taylor said she's flying to Cabo tonight. But she may have already left.

Kaitlin: I really don't think that Veronica is going to care if Taylor's in a bogus coma.

Julie: Well, it doesn't matter. Her daughter's in the hospital. She needs to know. Come on, I'll drive.

Summer: You don't have to.

Julie: Taylor is my responsibility. She's living in my house. Come on.

Kaitlin: So no Riverside? Sweet. I mean, I hate comas. Let's go find Veronica.

At the hospital

Nurse: Oh, Mrs. Cohen. The EMT just came by. He found this in his ambulance. Thought it might've fallen out of your son's pocket.

Kirsten: Oh, thank you. I've been talking to them and reading to them out loud. I know the doctor says not to worry...

Nurse: I know, it's hard. But in these situations, a lot depends on the patients healing themselves, mentally and physically. When they finish whatever they need to finish, they'll wake up.

Kirsten: Thanks.

Alternative world

Ryan: Marissa?

Kaitlin: Who are you?

Ryan: Uh, I'm sorry. I thought, uh...

Kaitlin: What, you knew my sister?

Ryan: I thought she was cominghome from Berkeley.

Kaitlin: No, that's me. The youngest in my freshman class. Sort of a prodigy.

Ryan: Uh, what... what did you mean "knew"?

Kaitlin: She d*ed three years ago.

Ryan: What?

Kaitlin: She OD'd in an alleyway in Tijuana. Well, that's really the way I want to start my Christmas vacation. Wait, who are you again?

Ryan: No one.

Kaitlin: Oh, okay. Well, Merry Christmas.

***

Taylor: I'm sorry. Ryan, you gave her three more years. She got to fall in love. She got to graduate.

Ryan: And then she still d*ed.

Taylor: Which just means that you weren't meant to save her. So if there's any part of you that's still blaming yourself for what happened, you have to let it go. You've done so much for everybody.

Ryan! Yeah, like what?

Taylor: Ryan, haven't you been paying attention? You saved the Cohens. Without you, Seth is the next unibomber, Sandy is married to Slutty McSlutterman, and Kirsten probably hasn't had an orgasm in, like, a year.

Ryan: Uh, all right, all right.

Taylor: And if you think that I'm just gonna let you give up, you're crazy.

Ryan: Taylor, I said all right.

Taylor: Oh. Oh, good. Okay.

Ryan: Has anyone ever said "no" to you?

Taylor: Once. And I pushed him off the roof. Kidding. Let's save the Cohens and go home.

Ryan: All right.

Taylor: Okay.

At Cohen's

Sandy: An alternate universe?

Seth: It's the only obvious explanation.

Sandy: "Obvious" might not be the word I would use.

Seth: They both got knocked out at the same time and neither is waking up.

Sandy: Like Dorothy in Oz.

Seth: And just like Dorothy had to go see the wizard, they've got some mission to accomplish before they can return.

Sandy: Like what?

Seth: Uh, anything. Could be like our world, only messed up. They've got to reset the balance. Or could be a world ruled by giant vegetables, and they've got to topple the vegetable despot before they can come back.

Sandy: You had me till vegetable despot.

Seth: It makes perfect sense.

At the hospital

Sandy: Hello.

Kirsten: Sandy, I think I know why Ryan hasn't woken up.

Alternative world

Taylor: Hi. Okay, now before we can reunite everyone with their rightful partners, we need to prep them first. So I will take Kirsten duty and you can...

Seth: I already told you, I'm not going to your stupid party.

Kirsten: Because Summer Roberts is going to be here? Since when are you avoiding her?

Seth: Since she got engaged to that burly ding-dong. You have fun.

Ryan: I'm on it.

***

Veronica: Taylor, what are you doing? I told you not to wear that suit. Your ass looks like the back of a truck.

Taylor: Oh, my God. In alt-world, I'm a boy. Maybe I should try Pilates. They say it elongates you. Outside.

Veronica: Go stand against the wall. Go, come on.

Taylor: And my mom is still a bitch.

At the airport

Julie: Veronica. Veronica. Thank God, we caught you.

Veronica: Oh, Julie, please don't tell me you're going to Cabo, too.

Julie: Veronica, you can't go to Mexico. Taylor is in the hospital.

Veronica: Anorexia?

Julie: No, she fell off a ladder.

Veronica: Oh.

Julie: The doctor says she'll be fine, but she's not waking up. Maybe if she heard your voice. Summer has a car outside...

Veronica: I'll call from Cabo.

Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you're not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now, I'll tell security you have a b*mb.

Kaitlin: Wow, very Jack Bauer of you.

Alternative world

Ryan: All right. All right, come on,put this on.

Seth: No, hate my life! I hate my life...! I hate my life!

Ryan: Yeah, no wonder Summer doesn't like you.

Seth: See?! Even you think so. And no offense, but it's kind of weird, you having such a vested interest in my love life, considering I just met you this morning.

Ryan: All right. You want the truth?

Seth: I know the truth.

Ryan: You know the truth?

Seth: Yeah.

Ryan: I'm from an alternate universe where your dad adopted me and you and Summer are in love. And unless I fix things here, which means getting your parents and you and Summer together, I can't go home.

Seth: I always knew this would happen.

Ryan: Doesn't surprise me. Put this on. Okay. Now, I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to know to woo Summer. Have you ever heard of a show called The Valley?

***

Taylor: Hey. It's a great party, huh?

Kirsten: Yes.

Taylor: I'm so glad that the mayor let me off so that I could come.

Kirsten: You work for the mayor?

Taylor: Mm-hmm.

Kirsten: How... well, what's that like?

Taylor: Honestly, it's amazing that anything ever gets done. What with the mayor moping and crying all day about how he's still in love with his ex-wife. But I probably shouldn't be airing his dirty laundry. I mean, she must be around here somewhere, right? Well, I better mingle.

***

Taylor: Good, you got a jacket from Seth.

Ryan: Yeah.

Taylor! Did it go okay?

Ryan: Great. He's going over stalking points right now.

Taylor: Well, I am doing some serious Jedi mind tricks on Kirsten.

Ryan: There's couple number two.

Che: Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas.

Summer: That's my man.

Taylor: Okay, so what we need to do is get Kirsten and Sandy and Seth and Summer alone together for ten minutes. Which means removing the obstacles. You take Julie, I've got Chester. Hey, wouldn't this actually be fun, you know, if you were actually doing it with somebody who you wanted to date?

Ryan: Go.

Taylor: Okay, I'll stop.

***

Taylor: Hi.

Che: Good grub.

Taylor: Yeah. So, listen, a red-haired lady wanted me to give you a message. She's in the master bathroom and she needs help with something.

Che: A little thong removification.

Taylor: Charming. Well, uh, she's waiting.

Che: Hey, I have a good idea. Why don't you come with?

Summer: Wow, really tempting. Um, I'm going to pass.

Che: Ok !

***

Sandy: Good to see you again. Thanks for coming.

Ryan: Hi.

Julie: Hello.

Ryan: Hi.

Julie: Do I know you?

Ryan: There's some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong on?

Julie: Oh. That's charity talk. "Thong" is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport... Go... or something. Excuse me.

***

Sandy: Just do me a favor, and don't get caught.

Taylor: Mr. Mayor.

Sandy: Yes?

Taylor: Hi, I was wondering, do you have time for a quick question?

Sandy: I'm hoping it's about the new hospital. Because Dr. Henry Griffin and I have some big plans.

Taylor: Actually, it's about relationships. You see, you and I are kind of in the same position, because I just broke up with this guy, and he refuses to move on.

Sandy: I'm not sure how this applies to me.

Taylor: Mr. Mayor, come on. I mean, your ex-wife will tell anyone who listens about how much she's still in love with you. I work at the Newport Group. And it is amazing that anything ever gets done.

Sandy: Young lady, I don't know you. But I do know that this is not an appropriate conversation. So please excuse me.

Taylor: Uh, mail truck.

Taylor: What? Uh, yeah, um... from the old days at Berkeley, when you guys first fell in love. She won't shut up about it. Mail truck, mail truck, mail truck. It's just crazy, huh?Bye.

***

Summer: So, wait, you're saying that you ride horses in the valley?

Seth: No, no, I like plastic horses and the show The Valley.

Summer: Hey, I like that show, too, and plastic horses. What's yours' name?

Seth: Uh, Princess Sparkle. Wait, no, no, I mean Captain Oats. I just said "Princess Sparkle, 'cause I think that's a really cool name.

Summer: No way! You are not going to believe this.

***

Ryan: How's it going?

Taylor: Well, I read lips, and in the past two minutes, the words "mail truck" have come up nine times.

Ryan: We might actually pull this off.

Veronica: Lots of teenage boys get lipo. It's no big deal. And stop picking at your man girdle.

Taylor: But, Mom?

Veronica: What? You have something to say?

Taylor: No.

***

Taylor: You know what? I think it's time I talk to her as an adult. Okay, you can do this.

Veronica: Do what? Eat? Well, that's apparent.

Taylor: Shut up. Why do you have to be so mean? Neither he nor I are remotely fat. We are smart and attractive, and interesting and people like us. And we are not going to let you make us feel bad about ourselves anymore.

Veronica: No? Well, I imagine the mirror does that for you.

Taylor: You bitch! Oh, my God.

***

Ryan: You all right?

Taylor: I just can't believe I just said that. I mean, I've been waiting for so long. I can't believe I finally did it.

Ryan: I'm proud of you.

Taylor: Thanks, Ryan, I... Whoa.

Ryan: What is it? What's wrong?

Taylor: I don't know, I ju... Do you hear something? Almost like rain?

Ryan: Stay here, I'll get you a glass of water.

Taylor: Okay.

***

Jimmy: In my own house? In my own bathroom? I have to brush my teeth in there.

Che: So do I, but I don't use a toothbrush.

Jimmy: Oh, Julie, you haven't changed a bit.

Julie: Maybe you should learn to knock.

***

Sandy: What's going on in here?

Jimmy: Well, Mr. Mayor, let me just tell you what I found your wife doing.

Julie: Jimmy, don't.

Jimmy: Well, suffice to say, her thong was in his mouth.

Summer: Shut up!

Che: Baby, it was stuck. I was only trying to help her out.

Summer: Oh, but that's what you said with Holly. How come all these women around you keep getting their thongs stuck? I'm starting to get suspicious.

Che: Geek, move it or lose it.

Seth: Then I will lose it, whatever it... is.

Che: All right, well, it's your funeral.

Seth: All right. Thong emergency.

Summer: That was, like, so brave.

Sandy: Oh, Julie, how could you do this?

Julie: Please, Sandy, we both know our marriage is a sham. You only married me so I could mastermind your political career. What are you doing with Miss Queen of the North over here?

Kirsten: Don't you know? He spends all day crying about me at the office.

Sandy: What are you talking about?

Kirsten: Everybody knows, Sandy.

Sandy: In the same way that everybody knows how you go on and on about the mail truck?

Kirsten: I never told anybody about the mail truck.

Sandy: Well, not according to her.

Kirsten: Well, she's the girl that told me you spend all day crying.

Ryan: Uh-oh. Sorry. Apparently, people don't stock clean glasses in the alt-world. What's up?

Julie: Oh, it's the street urchin. I knew not to trust him.

Sandy: I think you two better start talking.

Ryan: Absolutely. Taylor?

Taylor: Oh, don't worry. I know exactly what to say. Okay, people I can explain everything. Sorry.

Ryan: What?

Taylor: Just feel a little dizzy. I... Oh, no. Ryan, I think I have to go.

Ryan: What? What do you mean? It must be because I stood up to my mom. That's what I was here to do. Ryan?

Ryan: Yeah?

Taylor: You have to get everyone together.

Ryan: No.

Taylor: It's the only way back.

Ryan: Taylor, no, I can't. Taylor... Just hold on. Taylor?

At the hospital

Kirsten: Taylor, honey?

Taylor: You need to be with Sandy Cohen.

Kirsten: I'm going to get the doctor.

Taylor: Come back, Ryan.

Alternative world

Sandy: So? Are you going to explain yourself?

Ryan: The truth is, things the way they are now are completely wrong.

Summer: Who's this random guy we're all listening to? And why am I not drunk yet?

Ryan: Okay, look, none of you know me. But, uh, the truth is that each of you saved my life just by being who you are. And right now none of you are who you are. Like Summer, for example. What are you doing?

Summer: What?

Ryan: I mean, Che, Chester, he's, he's completely wrong for you. You should be with Seth. Kirsten, all right, you don't want to run the Newport Group. That place makes you miserable. And you may like your Chardonnay, but I got news for you, it doesn't like you back, and Sandy, you don't want to be mayor. You're all about saving the little guy, not holing up in some mansion, giving orders. What you two are best at is being married to each other.

Julie: There he is. Get him out of here.

Man: Um, okay, before I go, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth and Summer, promise me you'll be together.

At the hospital

Kirsten: Hey, Veronica, good news. Taylor's awake, and the doctor said she's going to be fine.

Veronica: I stay home from Cabo and she's fine?

Taylor: Hi, Mom.

Veronica: And you're walking even? Geez.

Julie: Veronica, your daughter is okay. You should be happy.

Taylor: Oh, Julie, it's okay, I got it. Mom, why don't you go to the airport? I bet you could catch the last flight to Cabo.

Veronica: Well, I guess I could still make it, but I'll probably have to fly coach.

Taylor: Merry Christmas, Mom.

Veronica: Yeah.

Kirsten: You okay?

Taylor: Yeah. I don't know why, but I feel just fine.

Kirsten: Julie? You should see this. I haven't read it.

Julie: Oh, my God.

Alternative world

Man: You, uh, you seen my hat?

Ryan: You threw up in it.

Man: Right.

Cop: Atwood, there's someone here to bail you out.

Ryan: Thanks.

Sandy: I don't know who you are, but a lot of what you said back at the house made sense. So why do you care so much about getting a bunch of strangers back together?

Ryan: Well, I guess I thought it would get me back home, too. But I was wrong. Can I ask what happened? How'd your family fall apart?

Sandy: I think it all goes back to when Marissa Cooper d*ed three years ago. She was Jimmy and Julie Cooper's daughter.

Ryan: I knew Marissa.

Sandy: Well, after she d*ed, it was like everybody got stuck.

Ryan: Didn't know how to say good-bye?

Sandy: Maybe you're right. What are you doing for dinner? How about you come over to the house?

Ryan: There's someplace I gotta go. Thanks.

Sandy: You're welcome.

At the hospital

Kirsten: Oh, I was just calling you. Julie, Summer and Kaitlin are with Taylor. She's awake.

Seth: What'd you find out?

Julie: This. It's from Marissa. She sent it to Ryan the day she was leaving. I guess it got lost in the mail.

Sandy: Oh, that's odd.

Seth: Well, it's Chrismukkah; stranger things have happened.

Sandy: What's it say?

Julie: Well, that she had to leave Newport. That it was the only way they could get on with their lives. She loved him, but she had to say good-bye.

Kaitlin: Is that food? Oh, thank God. Between you and me, Taylor in a coma is kind of a nice break.

Sandy: How you doing, Julie?

Julie: I'm okay. Thanks.

***

Taylor: Ryan, are you awake?

Ryan: Hi.

Taylor: Hi.

Ryan: I just had the weirdest dream. You were in it, I think.

Taylor: That's so funny. I think you were in my dream, too. I can't remember what it was, though.

Ryan: Huh. Me, either. I'm really glad you're here.

Summer: Look, the rain stopped.

Seth: Look who's back in the land of the living.

Kirsten: Oh, Ryan, we were so worried about you. Everything is going to be okay.

Ryan: Yeah, I know.

End of the episode.