04x08 - The Earth Girls Are Easy

[bunniefuu]

On the road

Ryan: Hey, I asked you a question.

Seth: Yeah, no, it's just some of these bugs are really sort of stubborn. I was using that.

Ryan: Now you're not. Gonna tell me what's going on?

Seth: What if I told you it's New Year's Eve and we're on our way to Vegas?

Ryan: I might hit you with this. Why are the girls acting so strange?

Seth: I don't... I mean... you know, I don't know.

In the bathroom

Summer: How long is it supposed to take?

Taylor: Five minutes. How long has it been? Okay-- four minutes and 47 seconds.

On the road

Ryan: You're lying. It's written all over you face.

Seth: Well, then I shouldn't bluff when we get to Las Vegas.

Ryan: Look... what... man, they're in the bathroom.

Seth: Why don't you just ask them.

In the bathroom

Taylor: 13 seconds left.

On the road

Ryan: Do I need to remind you why you're even here right now?

In the bathroom

Summer: 11 more seconds.

On the road

Seth: Because you haven't k*lled me yet?

In the bathroom

Taylor: What if there wasn't enough pee?

On the road

Ryan: No, because you didn't have any New Year's Even plans so you h*jacked mine.

In the bathroom

Summer: How many bars am I looking for?

Taylor: Two, two bars. Six more seconds.

On the road

Seth: I told you I'd pay you back.

In the bathroom

Summer: Oh, my God, I can't look.

On the road

Ryan: And now I'm collecting. So tell me what's happening.

In the bathroom

Taylor: Oh, my God, three more seconds, two more seconds, one more second...

SEVEN HOURS EARLIER

At the comics bookshop

Ryan: Here you go.

Seth: Last coffee of '06. How much you hoping I don't make that joke all day?

Ryan: Not like I'll be around to hear it.

Seth: So walk me through your itinerary again.

Ryan: I've got breakfast with Taylor. Back home to pack, quick lunch, off to Vegas.

Seth: She still doesn't know you're taking her?

Ryan: Well, that's why it's a surprise.

Jettey

Taylor: He's told me nothing. And I just thought. you know,since he went to all of this trouble it would be nice for me to surprise him, too, and... Summer, are you even listening to me?

Summer: What? No... yeah... every word.

Taylor: 'Cause you seem kind of out of it.

Summer: I'm sorry, I'm just still waking up.

At the comics bookshop

Seth: You guys seem pretty serious, though? It's that old adage- couples who have comas together, stay together.

Ryan: She won't think Vegas is cheesy, will she?

Jettey

Taylor: Do you think it's cheesy to get him lingerie? Obviously, I'm going to be wearing it, but it's really for him.

Summer: Look, Taylor... You're right.

Taylor: It's way too soon for lingerie. Is he going to think I'm some kind of kinky, sex-starved, divorcee?

Summer: You're being paranoid.

At the comics bokshop

Seth: Still, be careful, 'cause people, they go to Vegas and they come back married.

Ryan: What about you and Summer-- any plans?

Jettey

Summer: Well, if it's a typical night for us, I'm probably in for some Korean cinema, manga and making new friends on MySpace.

Taylor: In other words...

At the comics bookshop

Seth: No "plans"-- that's a dirty word. That's right up there with "responsibility" and "future." There'll be plenty of time for that when we're in college.

Ryan: And she's on board with that?

Seth: Totally.

Jettey

Summer: I hope I don't have to k*ll him. When are you meeting Ryan?

At the comics bookshop

Ryan: Ooh, now. All right, I will see you tomorrow.

Seth: Happy New Year.

Jettey

Taylor: Happy New Year, Summer.

Summer: Same to you. Good luck tonight. I'm sure everything will just be great.

Taylor: Oh, speak of the devil.

Ryan: Summer.

Summer: Atwood.

Ryan: Taylor.

Taylor: Hi.

Ryan: You looking forward to your surprise tonight?

Taylor: I am. Are you looking forward to yours?

Ryan: I am.

Summer: Ew. That's my cue.

Taylor: Okay, here it is.

Ryan: What is it?

Taylor: Open it.

At the comics bookshop

Seth: Hey.

Summer: Hi. I wanted to talk to you about what we're doing tonight.

Seth: Why talk when actions speak so much louder than words.

Summer: What is it?

Seth: I don't know. Just open it.

Summer: Okay.

Jettey

Ryan: Oh, my...

Taylor: Surprise.

At the comics bookshop

Summer: "Jamaican me crazy."

Seth: It's funny because it's not.

Jettey

Taylor: Do you think I'm a whore?

Ryan: What? No, no. It's just... I already have this.

Taylor: You nut. For a second there, I was like, oh, major miscalculation.

Ryan: No, no, no. It's going to be a great night. All right, come here.

At the comics bookshop

Summer: Yeah... You didn't make any plans for us tonight, did you?

Seth: Well, I thought we would just...

Summer: What "Jamaican" up as you go? You are such a baby. I'm done baby-sitting you. Do you understand me? I'm done.

Generic

New Match Office

Julie: I'm not questioning the fantasy, Spencer. We've all imagined doing it with the delivery boy. I am questioning whether we should be paying for the pizza. It's starting to add up.

Spencer: We're running a male prostitution ring, Julie. Pizza's the cost of business.

Julie: Hey, who did we...? Who'd we set Petrie Marchand up with?

Spencer: That guy you call the Mambo King.

Julie: Oh, yeah. My real question-- what do you know about money laundering?

Spencer: That'd be nothing. Why?

Julie: Because it's the holidays and we're busy and I can't keep filing all this cash under "extra money." I'll, um... I'll see you later at the place.

Spencer: Yeah.

Kirsten: That was Jimmy on the phone. He's supposed to call Kaitlin at midnight?

Julie: Yeah.

Kirsten: Well, he's hosting a party on his boat. And he wanted you to tell Kaitlin he's sorry, but he might be out of cell phone range.

Julie: Poor Kaitlin. I know she doesn't show it, but I think she really, really misses him.

Kirsten: Can I help you with something?

Julie: No, no. No, I'm good.

Kirsten: Julie, I appreciate you handling the bookkeeping, but honestly, I probably have more experience.

Julie: Well... all the more reason for me to learn. I mean, what if you get hit by a bus or something? God forbid.

Kirsten: There must be something I can do.

Julie: Some more coffee? I got it at the place on the corner.

Gordon: Somebody going on a coffee run? I'll take a latte. Hello, sweetheart. Just thought I'd drop off an invite to my soiree.

Julie: Yeah, Gordon, you know, I received like 11 of these in the mail.

Gordon: Well, now you've got an even dozen. So read it to me.

Julie: "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang."

Gordon: That joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989. So, uh... what time do you want me to send a limo?

Julie: You know, honestly, I'm not sure that I'll get through with everything here.

Gordon: Damn it, hotcakes, when I bankrolled this operation, I thought I'd see you more, not less. Since I got back from Riyadh, we've had two dinner dates and zero hanky-panky.

Julie: Well, it's a new business, Gordon.

Gordon: Well, hey, look, at least let me get you a bean counter to take care of some of the paperwork.

Julie: Bullit, let me have that back.

Gordon: Wow, you girls eat a mess of pizza.

Julie: We work through dinner a lot. Look, I really appreciate the gesture, Bullit, but I would prefer to do this on my own, hmm?

Gordon: Okay. You coming tonight?

Julie: If I can.

Gordon: Damn, woman.

At Cohen's

Sandy: And he requested me? Yeah, all right, all right. I'll see what I can do. Okay.

Seth: Working on New Year's Eve?

Sandy: Yeah, one of your homeless guys from Thanksgiving att*cked a parking meter. He couldn't remember his name, but he remembered mine.

Seth: I was talking about the sandwiches.

Sandy: Oh, yeah, Ryan's putting together a cooler for Vegas. I'm his sandwich guy. Cohens are natural sandwich artists.

Seth: It's like our very own super power. Yeah, I don't know if it qualifies us for the Justice League, though.

Sandy: What's up? You've got that "something's up" look on your face.

Seth: Well, you know, probably 'cause something's up.

Sandy: What'd you do?

Seth: More like what I didn't do. Turns out Summer's expecting me to make some elaborate New Year's Eve plans.

Sandy: Oh, romantic holiday plans- definitely not a Cohen super power.

Seth: We've got nine months until we go to college. This is the last time in our lives we don't have to worry about stuff.

Sandy: Yeah, yeah, the ladies don't really buy that line, though. You still have to show her that you value her. My advice... Put some thought and effort into making some real New Year's Eve plans, pronto. Well, my work here is done. I've got a date with a bail bondsman. And you and Summer have a wonderful New Year's Eve. And... be safe.

Ryan: Hey.

Sandy: Hey. You be safe, too, in Vegas, will ya?

Ryan: Yeah.

Sandy: The sandwiches are all ready. Good to go. And if I do say so myself, they're great.

Ryan: Thank you, Sandy.

Sandy: The only thing you have to keep in mind-- make it personal.

Seth: I think I just got the purr-fect idea.

Sandy: Good man.

Ryan: What was that about?

Seth: Oh, nothing-- just Summer and I coming with you to Vegas.

Ryan: What?!

Seth: You may want to make some more sandwiches. I'm going to go upstairs and pack.

Parking - Julie's car

Julie: You're late.

Spencer: Yeah. I've been looking for my book.

Julie: What book?

Spencer: The one with everyone's names, phone numbers. I had it when I was talking to you. I put it down for a sec, it was gone.

Julie: This has got to be a sign.

Spencer: What are you talking about?

Julie: Your father tried to saddle me with an accountant today. What if he finds out we've turned his investment into a whorehouse? Or if Kirsten finds out? No, we need to shut this down now.

Spencer: Then... let's just do tonight. All right? We both need the money.

Julie: We can manage without.

Spencer: What if Neil sells your house? Where you going to live? We're going to make 40 grand each. Now, you want to close down shop after that, cool, but let's do tonight. Come on.

Julie: We'll burn everything tomorrow.

Spencer: I'll light the match myself.

Motel

Gordon: Frank, Frank, Frank. Damn, damn, double damn. Good to see you.

Frank: Good to see you. Come on in. Have a seat. Can I fix you a drink?

Gordon: No, I'm fine. So, cowboy, what the hell you doing in these neck of the woods?

Frank: Well, you... you once said, if I ever needed a job...

Gordon: Serious? Now, don't be jerking the Bullit around.

Frank: I'm serious.

Gordon: Well, now, that's a good thing. And I happen to have a couple of places I could use you pronto. But, knowing you, you've already picked something out.

Frank: You're not going to believe this, but I saw you invested in a dating service.

Gordon: You're kidding, right? A man of your talents?

Frank: I think there's a future in it.

Gordon: Yeah, but the tricky thing there is, my girlfriend, Julie-- she's kind of running that.

Frank: Really?

Gordon: I know what you're thinking, but it's not like that barmaid in Daytona. Now, that one, she was a con artist.

Frank: And Julie's legit?

Gordon: Absolutely.

Frank: I mean, Julie's problem is not thievery. It's pride. She wants to do everything herself, and I get no chance to see her. Oh, wait. Bullit. Oh, right. The dress shop. Okay. On the way. Sorry. I got to go. Well, it was good to see you. You're going to love Newport.

Frank: I'm sure I will. Oh, and if Julie ever gets less proud, you let me know. I'd love to help out.

Gordon: I'll do that. Happy New Year, partner.

Frank: Same to you.

Gordon: See you later.

Frank: Right.

At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom

Summer: Taylor, you look terrible. What's the matter?

Taylor: Okay, can you keep a secret? But I mean a big secret. Like, a really big secret.

Summer: Yeah.

Taylor: I think you might be pregnant.

Summer: Um... okay. First of all, if I were pregnant, that would be my secret. And second of all, I'm late, not pregnant.

Taylor: And how did you know that? Okay, when I went to visit you in Providence, I remember that you had your period, which means you should have had it again a week and a half ago. But the box of tampons that you bought two weeks ago hasn't even been opened. Summer, have you had unsafe sex?

Summer: Well, there was that time where Seth visited...

Taylor: Summer...

Summer: I didn't want the pharmaceutical companies playing slumlord with my eggs.

Taylor: Well, what about condoms?

Summer: Latex smells funny.

Taylor: So do diapers.

Summer: Taylor!

Taylor: What? Don't pretend you're not worried about this, because you've been preoccupied all day.

Summer: I am not pregnant.

Taylor: Hmm. Well, prove it.

Summer: Get that away from me.

Seth: Hey, you decent?

Taylor: Seth, actually, Summer and I were just having a little girl time, so if you could just come back in 15...

Summer: It's so good to see you!

Seth: Hey, wow! Look at all this affection, and I haven't even told you my surprise yet. Though, to be fair, it's really more of Ryan's surprise.

Summer: Seth.

Seth: But, yes, the four of us are going to Las Vegas. Ryan is in the car, waiting.

Taylor: Ryan's taking me to Vegas?

Seth: And I'm taking you, Mrs. What-Are-Our- Plans-For-New Year's. Now, why don't you to get packed so we can get on the road.

Taylor: Actually, Summer and I just need to dash into the bathroom really quick and...

Summer: That is a great idea. That is the best idea ever! Why don't you help me pick out what to bring?

Seth: Okay.

Taylor: Okay, well, I'm just going to pack this toothpaste because we might want it

Ryan's car

Taylor: Hey, Ryan, can we stop soon? Summer and I have to pee.

Ryan: Oh, yeah? Sure. You know what? Next chance we get, I'll get some gas.

Taylor: Great.

Taylor: Summer, I think, when we stop, we should try out our new toothpaste. Breath's a little stale.

Seth: Ryan, are you ready for a sandwich? Hmm? Listen, I know we're crashing, but I promise you, soon as we get to Vegas, I'm going to buy you the best room Sandy Cohen's money can buy. You're rescuing me, and I want to pay you back.

Ryan: Yeah, all right.

Taylor: Hey, Seth, hypothetically speaking, if I was your girlfriend, and I had health issues, would you want to know about them?

Seth: Um... I don't know. What kind of health issues?

Summer: Diarrhea of the mouth. Can we just, like, stop talking and turn the music up and just drive, please?

Taylor: Summer, there is something in your hair. Let me get it out for you.

Summer: What are you doing?

Taylor: I think you need to tell Seth.

Summer: No. I don't think he could handle it.

Taylor: How do you know?

Seth: Aw, crap! Forgot my toothbrush. I'm going to have to use my finger.

Summer: See? He's a child.

Seth: Did you get a toothbrush, too?

Taylor: Seth! Don't...! Oh. Is this...?

Taylor: Mine! My toothpaste.

Ryan: What's going on?

Taylor: Nothing. It's just this is... extra whitening, and Seth needs tartar control. Badly.

Summer: Thank you.

Taylor: You're welcome.

At Roberts'

Kaitlin: Mom?

Gordon: Okay, the coast is clear, dude. Yeah. She's probably still at work. You sure we did the right thing but not buying that little number with rhinestones?

Gordon: You asked me for my help to pick out a dress for my mother, so trust me.

Gordon: Well, I just want to make sure she feels like a million dollars at my party tonight, that's all. That's assuming she finishes work on time. I offered to get someone inthere to help the woman out. She flat out refused me.

Kaitlin: You really like her, don't you?

Gordon: Oh, yeah, peanut. She's under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, didn't once try to peek under a girl's burkha. So, uh... what you got going on tonight?

Kaitlin: Well, I'm supposed to talk to my dad, but his boat's out of cellphone range. So, whatever. It's no big.

Gordon: Well, dang, girl, if you're free, why not come to my party?

Kaitlin: Because I'm 40?

Gordon: No, because it's New Year's Eve, and I got not one prince, but two coming.

Kaitlin: William and Harry?

Gordon: Mm-mm-- Samir and Abbas. Saudis. About your age, and not a bad catch, if you don't mind raisins in your chicken. You like two-steppin'? It's a dance we do in Texas-- I can show you tonight if you'd like.

Kaitlin: You can hold your breath for that.

Gordon: All right. Well, I appreciate your help. You take care now.

Kaitlin: Ignore her.

Gordon: Come again?

Kaitlin: She refused your help, so ignore her. It's what I always do.

Gordon: Here you go.

Kaitlin: What's this for?

Gordon: In case you change your mind, come to the party, you might want to buy a dress or a lollipop or something. Yo, Frank. Yeah, Bullit. What's going on this afternoon?

On the road

Taylor: It's up to you.

Summer: You'll be there when I take it?

Taylor: Of course.

Summer: Let's go.

Ryan: Hey, uh... is everything all right? You, uh... were acting kind of strange in the car. Okay, I just wanted to, uh, you know, apologize. I know this trip to Vegas is supposed to be us, but Seth kindof h*jacked it to get out of the doghouse, so what are you going to do?

Taylor: Yeah, I know.

Ryan: Uh... anyway, you know, he, uh... he's getting us a room. So at least we'll be alone.

Taylor: Yeah. Uh... I don't think that we should do that. In fact, I know that we shouldn't.

Ryan: Uh... What... what are you talking about?

Taylor: Obviously, we both thoughtthat we were going to... It's Vegas, and there's lingerie, and it would be great, trust me, but I just want our first time to be special, and tonight is just not the night. Okay? Sorry. I got to go.

***

Seth: I have a question. And let's pretend I wasn't eavesdropping. Are you absolutely positive that you haven't had sex yet with Taylor? Not even, like a, "I feel guilty about this because you're kind of wasted, but how did that happen?" mistake? Okay, I'll take that as a no. Hey, look at that. It's a green alien. It's crazy. Well, these windows aren't going to wash themselves.

Ryan: Seth, what's going on?

At the bathroom

Taylor: Okay, "Remove the test stick from the foil wrapper."

Summer: Did that already.

Taylor: "Position the stick with the test windows "facing away from the urine stream, "and place the absorbent tip under the stream of urine." Stream of urine, Summer.

Girl: Uh... You need something?

Taylor: Oh, no. Thank you.

Summer: Who is it?

Taylor: A slutty alien. Did you pee? I'll go outside.

Summer: Wait, wait. Don't leave me.

New Match Office

Julie: May I help you?

Frank: You must be Julie.

Julie: And you are...?

Gordon: I told you she was hot. Julie, meet my buddy Frank. He's gonna put yourbooks in order.

Julie: Didn't I say no to this?

Gordon: Oh, yes, you did, but a little birdie told me to ignore you, so that's what I'm doing.

Julie: Gordon...

Gordon: Is no longer willing to negotiate. Now, let's let Frank do his thing. Meantime, let's get you out of that Pilgrim outfit and into a ball gown, which I happen to have bought you. And, Frank, if you get finished by midnight, you come play with us, you hear?

Frank: I will.

Gordon: Oh, Julie. It was nice meeting you.

Julie: Nice meeting you, too, Frank.

Gordon: Come on, sweetie.

On the road

Ryan: Why are the girls acting so strange?

Seth: Dude, I don't, you know...

In the bathroom

Summer: 12 more seconds. 11 more seconds.

Taylor: What if there wasn't enough pee?

Summer: Ten seconds.

Taylor: Here, let's switch.

Summer: How many bars am I looking for?

Taylor: Two. Two bars. Oh, my God, four more seconds.

Summer: Oh, my God, I can't look.

Taylor: Three more seconds. two more seconds... Oh, my God. one more second.

Summer: Okay, I can't do it. Just don't look at it, I can't breathe...

Taylor: Okay, okay... Sit down. Sit down, sit down.

Summer: I can't breathe. Here, breathe, breathe.

Taylor: Breathe into this. Breathe deep breaths. Look, Summer, I'm not gonna make you do anything. It's totally your decision. But whatever you do, it doesn't change the truth, and-and in a few hours, it's gonna be the new year. Do you want to start that year as an adult, with your eyes wide open, or... with your head in the sand?

Summer: Give it to me.

Taylor: Oh, my God.

Summer: What?

Taylor: It's gone.

Summer: What?!

On the road

Ryan: I don't believe it.

Seth: Well, do you think she cheated on you?

Ryan: No. I mean, I-I can't believe she didn't tell me.

Seth: Well, I'll wash the car if you want to go smash something. Like maybe that big green bug.

Taylor: Hey! Excuse me! I... You... Follow that alien! She stole my purse!

Seth: What?

Taylor: She just stole my purse.

Taylor: What? Well... Get in the car! She just stole it from underneath the bathroom. Seth, hurry up ! She's getting... She's right there! Go Ryan, go! Go!

In the car

Seth: Can't we just buy you a new purse and cancel your credit cards?

Summer: No, we need that purse.

Seth: Why?

Taylor: Because... Of the pills that I have in there. For the allergy I have but never told you guys about. It's just... nothing serious.

Summer: And she needs to take the pills before midnight.

Taylor: Right. And since we are in the middle of the desert, and nowhere near a pharmacy, it has to be the pills in that purse. Sorry. You're being awfully quiet.

Ryan: There's a lot of that going around.

Summer: Hey, I see brake lights.

Seth: look liked

Party

Summer: Did anyone get a good look at her face?

Seth: She's an alien-- it's not an easy thing to lose in a crowd.

Taylor: I don't believe it.

Summer: Everyone is an alien.

Seth: Hey, we're gonna go this way.

Ryan: Okay, we'll go this way.

Taylor: But...

Ryan: Come on. I promised you some alone time.

At the restaurant

Julie: Hey.

Spencer: Mm... hey.

Julie: Spencer, let me ask you a question. When you paired these ladies up with their dates, did you know they were coming to this party?

Spencer: You don't think Kirsten's gonna smell something fishy, do you?

Julie: No, no. I think we're taking the fish and slapping her in the face with it. She knows these women are our clients.

Spencer: Maybe she won't notice-- isn't she an alcoholic?

Julie: Recovering, unfortunately. So did you find anything out about Frank?

Spencer: Not a lot. He's a friend of my dad's. I'm not surewhere they met. He took the series seven a month ago, but before that, nothing. Doesn't exist.

Julie: So what do you think?

Spencer: Well, I'm thinking maybe... CIA or Special Ops?

Julie: No, Deep Throat, I mean, what do you think we should do? Does he seem like someone we can bribe?

Spencer: Eh, I wouldn't bank on it-- my dad's big on loyalty. Speaking of... where is he anyway?

Julie: He's over there introducing Kaitlin to some Saudi princes.

***

Gordon: This is Samir-- and I call him Sam. And this is Abbas-- and I call him Boss.

Kaitlin: Oh.

bass: You are, uh, Kait... Kaitland?

Kaitlin: Kaitlin.

Gordon: Kaitlin. Okay, Kaitland.

Party

Taylor: He says there's no coat-check, and there's no one really in charge. Oh, then he invited me to party on his asteroid, which I think means his trailer. Maybe we should just find Seth and Summer and make sure they're okay.

Ryan: Taylor, I... I know. Seth told me.

Taylor: Told you what?

Ryan: You know... it, the thing.

Taylor: Okay, let me explain...

Ryan: I just wish that you told me. That's what I'm mad about, not any of the other stuff, just that you kept it from me.

Taylor: Wait, wh-what other stuff?

Ryan: Well, you know, that you were... sleeping with someone before we started dating.

Taylor: Who says?

Seth: Well, the math says, but, look, I'm not mad about that.

Taylor: See, I knew you felt this way.

Ryan: Well, I'm not... I'm not accusing you of anything.

Taylor: Yes, you are. You are saying that I had random unsafe sex with someone in between my marriage annulment and us making out at Kaitlin's. Do you know how many days that was, Ryan?

Ryan: So what are you saying? You're saying you were sleeping with someone while we were dating?

Taylor: Is that what you think?

Ryan: No! But if you were, I couldn't be mad because we were never exclusive.

Taylor: Right. And why would you want to be, since you clearly think I am a big fat divorcee whore!

At the restaurant

Julie: Oh, my God.

Kirsteb: Julie.

Julie: Hi. Hey. Uh, where's Sandy?

Kirsten: Julie, what's going on?

Julie: What do you mean?

Kirsten: Well, it's just that all our clients here are on dates with people that look like they're college students-- I mean, weren't we supposed to set up Jessica Rogers with Dr. Weston?

Julie: Yeah, you know, we were, but she called yesterday and said she met someone-- that's love.

Frank: Hello, Julie.

Julie: Frank... uh, you're here. Uh... Frank, this is Kirsten Cohen, my partner. This is Frank...

Frank: Perry. Frank Perry. Nice to meet you.

Kirsten: Nice to meet you.

Julie: Frank Perry. Right. Um... Bullit hired him to put our books in order, and that's what he's been doing all night so that I could be here.

Kirsten: Oh. Does everything add up?

Frank: Yeah. Looks good. And business seems to be booming, so... if I had a drink, I-I would toast you.

Julie: Well, I'll-I'll take it anyway. Thank you.

Frank: All right, ladies, as you were. Kirsten, a pleasure to meet you.

Julie: Ah, Kiki, do you ever feel invincible.

Kirsten: Why?

Julie: Oh... no reason. Happy New Year, sweetie.

Party

Seth: Remind me again why we're looking for a purse when the larger issue seems to be Taylor thinking she has a baby inside of her? And don't give me anything about any allergy pills, 'cause I'm not buying it.

Summer: Seth, we need the purse, because the pregnancy test is in it. The test that we have already taken and haven't looked at yet. The test that we need to see before midnight so we can start 2007 knowing exactly where we stand.

Seth: Can I interrupt you for a second? I'm remembering something I wanted to ask you for back in the car when I found out the test was Taylor's.

Summer: What?

Seth: Paw. Up top.

Summer! You're asking me for a high five?

Seth: Can you imagine if it was your test we're looking for? Now, I know it seems a little bit selfish, but I think we're entitled to celebrate, so come on, up top, hit it. Hit it.

Summer: God, Seth.

Seth: Oh, God. Oh, my God! It's really you!

Boy: Seth Cohen! I saw you at Comic-Con years ago.

Seth: Oh.

Boy: I'm a huge, huge... huge Atomic County fan!

Seth: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Boy: Check it out, man-- I'm Kid Chino!

Seth: Oh, wow, that is fantastic. Listen, I'm looking...

Boy: We got to take a picture, man.

Seth: Oh, oh, okay.

Boy: This... is the greatest night of my life, Mr. Cohen.

Seth: Wow, thanks a lot. Hey, oh, it's the alien!

Boy: Smile!

Seth: Thanks a lot.

Boy: Thanks, man.

At the restaurant

Frank: I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your partner, but your so-called dating service... is not exactly what Bullit thought he was investing in, is it? Why don't you wet your lips. Your mouth looks dry.

Bass: Kaitland?

Kaitlin: What?

Bass: We are boring you, yes?

Boy: Maybe it will be more pleasing to you if we make... kissing to each other.

Kaitlin: Yeah, y-you guys go do that.

***

Julie: Okay, so just what do I have to do to keep you quiet?

Frank: Suite 522 at the Four Seasons. Say... half an hour.

***

Kirsten: Oh, there you are. How's your client?

Sandy: Darrel? Well, he's better off than the parking meter he beheaded. I sent him to a shelter. How has your night been?

Kirsten: Oh, it's just... it's just odd. Julie's acting strange, and... well, we have clients here-- it's just they're not with the dates that we set them up with. So if I'm a little tense I apologize.

Sandy: Come on, let's work it out on the dance floor.

Kirsten: Yeah.

Frank: Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Sandy: No, my fault. Sandy Cohen.

Frank: Uh, Frank Perry.

Kirsten: Frank works for Bullit.

Sandy: Oh, is that right?

Frank: Yeah, the Big Bang himself. Well, it was nice bumping into you. And, uh, happy New Year.

Sandy: You, too.

Kirsten: Sandy, something wrong?

Sandy: I feel like I know that guy from somewhere. Come on. How about that dance?

***

Gordon: Hey there, Miss Columbus. How are you? Good to see you. Hey, now, enjoy yourself.

***

Kaitlin: Mom, aren't you gonna stay for midnight?

Julie: Oh, Kaitlin, your mom has a headache. But you should stay-- have Bullit give you a ride home.

Kaitlin: This doesn't have anything to do with that creepy guy, does it?

Julie: What creepy guy?

Kaitlin: They guy I saw you talking to. You were gonna go meet him, weren't you?

Julie: This is not what you think. But, please, you can't tell Bullit about this.

Kaitlin: Mom, he really likes you.

Julie: And-and I really like him, too. It just... You have to trust me on this, okay?

Kaitlin: Okay.

Julie: Happy New Year, baby.

Kaitlin: Uh, Mom? I miss Dad sometimes.

Julie: I know, honey. We'll call him tomorrow, okay?

Kaitlin: Okay.

Party

Ryan: Taylor!

Taylor: Hey, Ryan. What are you doing?

Ryan: Let's go.

Taylor: Ryan, you think I'm a whore, I'm gonna act like a whore.

Ryan: I don't think you're a whore, but I definitely don't think you should be drinking.

Taylor: Why, because I might be pregnant with my whore baby?

Man: Hey! How about giving that back before I atomize your face?

Ryan: How about you just back off?

Summer: Hey, what's going on? What are you doing?

Ryan: I'm trying to figure out why my girlfriend is taking pregnancy tests and I'm the last one to find out about it. How is that possible?

Summer: Because it's not hers, okay? It's mine. It's my test that is in Taylor's purse.

Ryan: What?

Summer: Great. This is great. Now I'm not gonna know if I'm pregnant before midnight. There's nothing like starting off a new near with something like this hanging over your head. Happy New Year, Ryan.

Seth: Ryan! Dude, it's Summer's.

Ryan: I know. Come on. Let's go.

***

Seth: Come on. Wait a minute! Come back! Come on! Are you kidding me?!

***

Ryan: All right, thanks. Nearest cab company's in Baker. What do you want to do now?

Seth: Oh, curl up into the fetal position and weep. Although, perhaps the unborn baby metaphor...

Ryan: Not really appropriate.

Seth: I cannot believe Summer might be pregnant. Oh, my God. I think I saw an empty...

Ryan: Uh, Seth. Hurry up.

In the car

Taylor: Don't worry, Summer. I'm sure we'll pass a 24-hour pharmacy at some point.

Summer: The symbolism window closed at midnight. We'll do it in the morning.

Taylor: Okay.

Summer: Taylor, I really appreciate everything you did for me today. I really hope it didn't cause any permanent damage with you and Ryan.

Taylor: Oh, don't worry about me, please.

Summer: How did I get here ? How did I go from being an Ivy League Al Gore in the making to a knocked-up college dropout with a boyfriend that forgets to pack his toothbrush when he travels? How did this happen?

Taylor: You know what? It's a new year. We all get a fresh start. Okay? You and me and Seth and Ryan, we can all be whatever we want to be. And everything negative will be left in last year.

Party

Man: What's my name?

Girl: Zerk-nong

Man: Spell it.

Girl: Z-U...

Boy: "E"!

Girl: Oh. Z... Z-E-R- K-N

Boy: Hyphen.

Girl: Hyphen, N-O-N-G.

In the car

Summer: It was kind of mean leaving them in there like that, wasn't it?

Taylor: Yeah.

Summer: Yeah.

Taylor: I'll call 'em, see if they're okay. I need to borrow your phone. I left mine in my purse.

Party

Boy: What does that spell?

Girl: Zerk-nong. Zerk-nong.

Boy: Again. Good girl.

Girl: Oh, my God!

Boy: Hey, Mr. Cohen!

Seth: Hey! Hey, these alien chicks are really easy. Hey, we need an emergency evacuation.

Boy: You got it. Hey, too bad we don't have Little Miss Vixen's magic scooter.

Seth: We have to go!

Girl: They stole my purse!

At the restaurant

Kirsten: All set?

Sandy: What?

Kirsten: You still thinking about Frank?

Sandy: I can't shake the feeling that I know him.

Kirsten: I wish you did. I'd love to know who Julie has going through our books.

Sandy: She never said anything. Nothing about where Bullit found him?

Kirsten: Knowing Bullit, it could be anywhere: the golf course, Saudi Arabia, prison. You going to follow me home?

Sandy: Yeah. No, no. I'm going to swing by the homeless shelter make sure Daryl made it there.

Kirsten: Are you sure?

Sandy: Yeah, I won't be long.

In the car

boy: You just say where you want us to drop you off, Mr. Cohen. The girls and I are honored to be helping out.

Ryan: Look, as scared as you are, I'm sure Summer's ten times more scared.

Seth: Translation: I need to be there for her.

Ryan: Exactly. And you can start by telling her how you feel.

Seth: Well, kinda depends on what's in this purse.

Ryan: Does it? It is going to change whether or not you want to be with her?

Seth: No, of course not.

Ryan: And can you imagine ever not wanting to be with her?

Seth: No.

Ryan: That's your answer.

At the restaurant

Kaitlin: Hey, great party.

Gordon: Thank you, Peanut. How'd it go with the Saudis?

Kaitlin: Well, they want to fly me over to Dubai for their prom but I said there's no way I want to wear one of those Klan outfits.

Gordon: I don't blame you. Have you seen your mother? I've been, I've been looking for her.

Kaitlin: Um, she went home. She had a migraine.

Gordon: Dang, I wish she'd have told me. Well, I hope she's okay.

Kaitlin: So what was that dance that you were talking to me about this afternoon?

Gordon: The one with the number? That'd be the Texas Two-Step.

Kaitlin: Can you show it to me?

Gordon: Is the Pope Catholic? Oh, come on, lucky lady. It's your night. Here we go. Ready? And it's one, two, one, two, back step. One, two, one, two, Texas Two-Step. We got it. And you're turning.

Kaitlin: I'm turning?

Gordon: You're turning. Come on. Turn this way. That a girl. Whoa! I nearly lost you. We got it. Got it, got it.

At Roberts' - Taylor's bedroom

Taylor: If you're here for sex, there's, like, five guys ahead of you.

Ryan: Okay, look, I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions tonight. But you can't be paranoid either about being divorced or any of it. It doesn't mean anything to me.

Taylor: So you don't think I'm a whore?

Ryan: No. No, of course not.

Taylor: Good, 'cause I'm not. Unless, of course, you want me to be.

Ryan: Is that my negligee? Mm-hmm. Well, I want that back.

Taylor: Come on. Before I change my mind.

Ryan: All right, but just to be clear...

Taylor: Everything but.

Ryan: Come here.

At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom

Seth: Staring at that bunny thinking of a baby, aren't you?

Summer: I'm sorry I abandoned you in the desert.

Seth: I deserved it. And it worked out kind of well, too. I found something that I thought might interest you.

Summer: Oh, my God.

Seth: But I want to say something first. When I found out it was your pregnancy test, I totally freaked out and I thought "This will change everything," but then Ryan asked me if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not want to be with you, and I realized that the answer is no.

Summer: I'm totally pregnant, aren't I?

Seth: I don't know.

Summer: What do you mean you don't know? Is that going to, like, squirt invisible ink or something?

Seth: No, but it will make you engaged to me.

Summer: What? Are you insane?

Seth: Possibly, but I'm certain of this.

Summer: No, Cohen, we can't. Sure, we can. We're both adults, we don't share DNA.

Seth: You just have to want to. But... I do.

Summer: Don't you think we should look at the test first?

Seth: And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Summer: You know, once you do this, you can't take it back?

Seth: I know. Summer Roberts, will you marry me?

Summer: Yes, I'll marry you.

Seth: All right.

Summer: Okay, so should we look at the test now?

Seth: Sure. Let's see what's in store for the futureMr. and Mrs. Seth Cohen.

Summer: How many bars is that?

Seth: One. What's that mean?

Summer: One means I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant. Is it inappropriate to celebrate?

Seth: No, please, please. Saves us from having to have a shotgun wedding. Now we can just have a normal one instead.

Summer: Yeah. You and me and our normal wedding.

Seth: Should we hug again?

Both: Okay.

Hotel

Frank: Have a seat.

Julie: I'm not trading sex for silence, Frank. I may be a madam, but I'm not a whore.

Frank: Good to know, but that's not why I brought you here.

Julie: It's not?

Frank: Sit down.

Julie: So, why did you bring me here?

Frank: For information.

Julie: Information about what?

Frank: About the Cohen family.

Julie: Why?

Frank: Because I'm not who I say I am.

Julie: And who are you?

Frank: I'm Ryan's father.

End of the episode.