06x22 - The Perfect Cocktail

[bunniefuu]

Ted from 2030: Kids, when your Uncle Marshall finally quit Goliath National Bank to do something better with his life, he left on great terms with his boss.

Arthur: Good luck, Marshall. And promise you'll list me as a reference.

Ted from 2030: Which made Marshall's big interview with a respected environmental organization all the more confusing.

Head of the environmental Organization: I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.

Arthur: Oh, yeah, I worked with Marshall Eriksen... at least I did when he actually showed up.

[FLASHBACKS]

Arthur: Marshall! Hey, it's, uh, it's 2:30. If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you'd try to get here at least before lunch.

Marshall: Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass.

Assistant: Oh! Mr. Eriksen... You're not wearing any pants.

Marshall: Your move.

Assistant: But Marshall, wh... What about the environment?

Marshall: Screw the environment!

Head of the environmental Organization: "Screw the environment"?!

Arthur: Oh, yeah. We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal. The guy's a maniac. He's just an awful, flatulent r*cist.

[END OF FLASHBACKS]

Marshall: Sir, none of that is...

Head of the environmental Organization: Sorry. Interview over.

Outside GNB

Ted from 2030: And so Marshall stormed over to GNB, where he ran into Zoey.

Zoey: If you want to get back at those jerks, I have a proposition for you.

At the Bar

Barney: Invitations for the demolition of The Arcadian. As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down. I'm torn between training an actual coyote to use an ACME dynamite plunger, or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar that goes off the second he hits the last note to "Hot For Teacher." Barney! Barney! Bar... No, no. I'm going to go coyote.

Robin: Wait. While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote wearing a little hard hat more than me, remember: Zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down.

Barney: Oh, come on. Zoey's not shutting anything down, standing out there with her stupid megaphone, screaming in the wind; butt cheeks trembling with fury; her perky breasts heaving; her self-righteous nipples...

Ted: Dude, that's my girlfriend.

Barney: Point is, we are taking her and The Arcadian down. Am I right, Teddy Westside?

Ted: You know it.

Lily: Okay. See, that's so weird to me. One second you're defending Zoey, and the next, you're talking about her going down.

Barney: Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. What up? Dude, that's his girlfriend.

Lily: Isn't it tough dating the woman that's trying to prevent your building from being built?

Ted: At first, yes, but we figured out a great way to deal with it: we never talk about it. And since then, we've really been enjoying each other's company.

Lily: So, every time The Arcadian comes up, you guys just awkwardly change the subject?

Ted: Yeah, but you'd be surprised. It doesn't even come up that often.

Zoey arrives

Zoey: Hey, guys.

All: Hey!

Zoey: Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save The Arcadian.

Ted: So Oprah's retiring. Oof! What's that world gonna be like?

[OPENING CREDITS]

Robin: Wait, Marshall's helping you save The Arcadian, now.

Zoey: Yeah. Having a former GNB employee on our side is huge for us. GNB is going down.

Marshall: Yeah, totally.

Ted: So, they found water on Mars. What?

Marshall: Listen, um, I hate to go up against my two best friends, but... I really, I really need this right now. I mean, we're, we're cool, right?

Barney: Not only do you quit the job I stuck my neck out to get you, now you sabotage the project I'm in charge of? Is this because I brushed Lily's boob with my elbow, the other day?

Lily: That was on purpose!

Barney: I mean this is really like...

Marshall: Barney, please...

Ted from 2030: And thus began an all-out w*r between Barney and Marshall...

Outside GNB

Delivery Guy: Delivery from Mr. Stinson.

Zoey: Barney sent us pictures of himself. Oh, God. What's he doing to that megaphone?!

Marshall: Oh! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

At the Bar

Ted from 2030: Later, back at the bar... another w*r was just beginning.

Lily: Babe, can I get you a drink?

Marshall: No, I'm still not... ready to put my mouth on anything yet.

Lily: I know.

Marshall: You know what? Screw this. Game on.

Marshall leaves the booth. A woman comes toward the booth then walks away when she sees that the girls are still there.

Lily: Can you believe this one? Wants our booth. Keeps giving us the walk-by.

Robin: That bitch is not giving us the walk-by.

Lily: The walk-by with the stink eye.

Robin, in a high-pitched voice: A stink-eye-walk-by?! Aw, hell no! I hope this drink isn't teething, 'cause it's about to get nursed.

Barney is talking to a girl; Marshall approaches.

Marshall: Barney! Your wife just called from the hospital! It's a boy!

Barney: No. I' was... I was...

Ted from 2030: This went on for days.

Marshall, to the girl Barney is talking to: Congratulations. You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with.

Barney: Pfff. Try 283. 250 was months ago. No, no, no. No, I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, don't. (The girl leaves)

Marshall: Oh, bye-bye.

Later...

Marshall: Mr. Stinson... I had to rush down as soon as I got your results. I'm sorry, but your crabs have super-herpes. (The girl leaves in a hurry)

Lily: Oh, boy. Look who's back.

Robin: Look, Lily, I think this girl wants our seats. Should we leave... or stay here Lionel Richie style "All Night Long"?

Lily: Excuse me waitress, I'll have a mojito! And you'll have a no-seat-ho.

Marshall joins them at the booth; Barney stands next to him.

Marshall: Ah, yes... the sweet, smoky taste of victory.

Barney: Are you sure it doesn't taste like anything else?

Marshall: That's it!

Marshall catch Barney by his vest.

Barney: Kent! Kent!

Kent shows a picture to Marshall, who then let Barney go.

Marshall: Oh, God! Ow... Why would you do that to your own jacket?!

Barney: That's what you get, you traitor!

Marshall: Oh, really? Really?

Barney: Yeah. Really.

Marshall: Really. That... what...

Carl: Okay, enough! You guys are out of here.

Robin: Ejected!

Carl: I meant all of you. You're all banned from the bar. Out!

Robin: Carl! Oh... This has nothing to do with us. You're totally ridiculous. (The girls stand up and leave the booth; the other girl sits down at their booth) Don't look, baby. Just don't look. Come on.

At the appartment

Lily: This stupid feud isn't going to end until Marshall and Barney finally talk about their feelings, cry, and then hug it out like they do on Oprah.

Robin: Man, what are we going to do without her?

Lily: Oh...

Robin: Wait, you know what, these guys are not going to get all mushy sober. We need to get these b*tches drunk.

Lily: Yes, but the right kind of drunk. Uh... we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine?

Robin: Oh, I don't know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. He reaches a point of sad clarity.

[FLASHBACK]

All: Ten, nine, eight...

Barney: I'm a B-plus. My whole life, I was hoping to be an A, and I'm a B-plus. And I'm okay with that.

All: Happy New Year!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin: If we want them to open up, I say we go straight-up gin.

Lily: Oh... last time Marshall got gin-drunk was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to. Marshall almost got in a fight that night.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: Look at this meatball. He's headed right towards me, showing me no respect. Well, if he wants to play chicken, this rooster ain't backing down! Oh. Mirror.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: How about martinis?

Robin: Absolutely not. I'm not going anywhere near you and a martini.

Lily: Why not?

[FLASHBACK]

Lily: Ooh... You know what would be stupid? If we made out. That would be so stupid. Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin: Every time.

Lily: I only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. So stupid...

Robin: Uh-huh.

Lily: Oh, yeah? Well... what about you and absinthe?

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: I don't know. We could have water, soda, purple stuff...

Robin: We're a dream a baby's having. We're a dream a baby's having.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: I keep telling you, that didn't happen.

Robin: It happened, and it changed me. How about daiquiris?

Lily: Maybe. When Marshall has daiquiris... he gets really into how beautiful he is.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall, talking to a mirror: Hey. I dare you guys to dare us to make out.

Ted: Hey, Marsh, you know that's another mirror, right?

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Peppermint schnapps?

Robin: No. Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson.

Lily: Who?

Robin: The crazy old host of Family Feud, who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.

[FLASHBACK]

Barney: Hey there, darlin'. How you doin'? Ah, is this your sister? Mmm... Beautiful. Mmm...

Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?

Barney: Show me chicken wings!

All: Good order, Ted! Good order!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted goes out of his room, and walks toward the entry door.

Ted: Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey, then we're off. See you Sunday.

Lily: Oh, wait, Ted. Do you have a specific reaction to any kind of alcohol?

Ted: Bourbon. When I drink bourbon... I get weirdly good at beatboxing.

[FLASHBACK]

Ted is beatboxing

Ted: Peace, I'm out.

Everyone is cheering

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you, but the bourbon only makes it sound good to you.

[FLASHBACK]

Ted does some mouth noises.

Ted: Peace. I'm out.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted: You had to take that away from me, didn't you? (He takes a bottle of Bourbon out of his bag and put it on the table)

Robin: Well, enjoy Martha's Vineyard. Hopefully by the time you get back, we'll be allowed back into MacLaren's.

Ted: What do you mean?

Lily: Barney and Marshall's feud got us banned from the bar. We lost our booth.

Robin: Stop.

Ted: Man, how did things get so screwed up?

Ted from 2030: Of course I knew the answer to that. I was dating her. But I wasn't about to ruin our first big romantic weekend away by bringing up the one topic we agreed was completely off-limits.

In Ted's car

Ted: You and The Arcadian are ruining my life! What?

Zoey: I thought we weren't talking about...

Ted: We're talking about this. Look, I can handle you trying to prevent me from fulfilling a life-long dream. That's just being in a relationship. But now? You turn my best friend against me?

Zoey: Marshall made his own choice. Why aren't you mad at him?

Ted: Because he's going through a lot right now. He, he's looking for something to believe in, and you took advantage of that. You're, you're just like those Internet swindlers who tricked him into paying 300 bucks for a lock of Sasquatch fur.

Zoey: You cannot compare The Arcadian to a Ziploc bag full of Turkish armpit hair. The Arcadian is a beautiful, magnificent hotel.

Ted: Okay. You know what? We're settling this once and for all.

Zoey: Okay.

At the bar

Lily: We've cross-referenced every alcohol with Marshall and Barney's reaction. What's the right drink for this situation?

Robin: Well, they're not talking. They're not even looking at each other. That reminds me of those awkward Sunday dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress. Families, right?

Lily: I-I guess. That... seems like a whole other thing. We need a drink that will start a fight.

A black screen with the word "Gin" at the center appears.

Barney: Do you know what I had to do to get you that job?

Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up every day?

Barney: What, wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what your hair looked like?

Marshall: I showed up with wet hair once! Once!

Barney: Oh, my God.

At the Arcadian

Ted: Well, here we are. I had a reservation at a four-star inn overlooking the ocean but, uh... How can that compete with such a beautiful, magnificent hotel? Welcome to The Arcadian. So here's the deal. If you can last until sunrise in your precious Arcadian, I'll join your side.

Zoey: You're on. This place is fantastic. They even left a chocolate on the pillow.

Ted: That's not a chocolate.

At the bar

Robin: Okay, now we need to get them something that will make them emotionally vulnerable and completely, pathetically honest.

Lily: Yeah, we need a drink that, that takes subtext and turns it into text. Yeah.

A black screen with the word "Whisky" at the center appears.

Marshall: See, ever since the death of my father, I have been drawn to the idea of preservation. That's why The Arcadian speaks to me.

Barney: Ever since my father walked out on my childhood, I've had serious abandonment issues. You walking out on me like that...

Marshall: Oh God, I didn't even think of that...

Barney: It made me wonder, "What could I have done to make him stay?"

Marshall: Look, you didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't you, Barney.

Barney: That's what everyone keeps saying but people just keep leaving me.

Robin: Wow. That got real o'clock.

Lily: Yeah. We need to get them up and having fun.

A black screen with the word "Daiquiris" at the center appears.

Robin: Dance, my puppets, dance!

Lily: Now do you see why I'm always interfering in other people's lives?

Robin: Oh, God, totally!

At the Arcadian

Zoey: Well, we're here for the night. Might as well have some fun. Dare to join me?

Ted: Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull. Whoa, something just passed through me. Can you get STDs from the ghost of a prost*tute?

Ted opens a door, a woman screams.

Ted: What are... What are you doing in our bathroom?

Woman: This bathroom for entire floor!

At the bar

Lily: Okay. Final round. What simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other?

Robin: Sharing a brandy. Which is what I walked in on my parents doing once. Brandy was my father's mistress. God, parents. Right?

Lily: Again, just a whole other thing, sweetie. Where'd they go? Oh, no. They did sh*ts.

Robin: What? What is it?

Lily smells the inside of a glass

Lily: What's the worst thing they could possibly drink right now?

A black screen with the word "Tequila" at the center appears.

At the Bar

(Barney is hitting on a female biker)

Barney: Your place or mi... Your place or mi... Le-Let's go to your place. Mm.

Ted from 2030: Kids, don't drink tequila.

At the Arcadian

Ted: Uh, these were supposed to be for a romantic dinner on our balcony as we were serenaded by the sounds of the ocean. But I guess we'll have to settle for what sounded like two very large men having sex next door... with a third very small man.

Zoey: I think that small man sounded very moved by The Arcadian's beauty.

Ted: Okay. What is it? And don't give me, "It's beautiful." Don't give me, "It's magnificent" What is it about this place that makes you so passionate to save it?

Zoey: Well... When I was a little girl... my family used to live here.

Ted: Why, why have you never told me that?

Zoey: I never told anyone that. It makes it sound like it would be impossible for me to be objective, but... The truth is, I... I loved growing up here. We had just moved to New York. We were completely broke. But my mom told my sisters and me that The Arcadian was a castle. And we believed her. I know it's not what it used to be... but this building is a part of who I am. And that's why I want so badly for you to like it, too.

Ted from 2030: Kids, you never forget the first time or place you tell a girl:

Ted: I love you.

Zoey: I love you, too.

At the Bar

Carl: Come on in, you're un-banned. I gave these guys some drinks and they calmed down and made up.

Robin: Well, what drink finally did the trick?

A black screen with the word "Beer" at the center appears.

Robin & Lily: Of course, beer.

Marshall: I love you.

Barney: I love you.

Kent comes in with some pictures. Barney makes signs to make him go away.

Barney: Uh, no. N-Not right...

At the Arcadian

Ted: You know, I guess this place isn't so bad.

Zoey: See? With a little renovation, we could restore it to its former... What was that?

Ted: What was what?

Zoey: I think it went under the bed.

Ted: I don't see anything.

Zoey: That, that was... that!

Ted: Oh, my God! It's the cock-a-mouse!

Zoey: The what?

Ted: Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must have settled here, and... Oh! Look, it had babies! Good for it.

Zoey: Ew.... I give up. You win. Let's go!

At the appartment

Lily: Be well, my friends! Aw, just how we left them.

Robin: Morning. Who wants breakfast?

Barney: You have some coffee? So I can throw it in this traitor's face?

Marshall: Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey! Do you guys have some pancakes, because I... would really like some pancakes. They're fantastic. Let's be honest, I love them. But I hate this guy!

Lily: I thought they made up last night.

Robin: Damn it, I know what happened.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: I love you.

Barney: I love you. Uh, no. N-not right...

Lily: Carl, a round of champagne.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Ooh! The champagne.

Robin: We gave them one drink too many. They must've blacked out and forgotten the whole thing.

Barney: What kind of dirtbag doesn't stand by his best friends, but instead sides with some self-righteous bitch with a pointless cause and a megaphone?

Ted and Zoey come out of Ted's room

Ted: Dude. That's my girlfriend. And you know what? I'm on her side now, too.

Barney: Whoa, whoa, you have got to be kidding me. Ted...

Robin: Okay, what drink can fix this?

Lily: Mama's done with this drama. What drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me?

Robin: I got it.

Later...

Robin and Lily are floating in the air

Robin: Right?

Lily: Time is music the planets make. Music the planets make...

At the Bar

Several women are sitting at the g*ng's booth.

Woman: What is that?

Kent arrives with some pictures; after seeing them, the women leaves the booth. Lily and Robin run to the booth with detergeant products.

[END]