08x23 - Something Old

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: In 1994, Robin's dad took her to New York City for the first time...

This is amazing! Thank you, sir!

Well, a little father-son bonding trip never hurt anyone.

I-I did almost die from malnutrition on that wolf hunt last year...

I had to almost k*ll you for you to learn how to k*ll.

(sighs happily)

New York City's the best, eh?

I despise it. It's like Edmonton, minus the arts and culture.

Come on, we'll miss our flight.

I'll catch up.

One day, I'm gonna move here, marry a sophisticated big-city man with a sick mullet--

like all the way down to his shoulder pads, and at night, he'll let me brush it... and I'll dig up this locket so it can be my "something old" at our wedding.

ROBIN SENIOR: R.J.!

Coming, sir!

(whispering): I'll be back for you.

Back then, I was-I was too embarrassed to tell you why I've done that, but we're closer now.

(phone ringing)

I feel like I don't have to hide my feminine side anymore just because you've always wanted a...

Son! It's Barney!

Great!

I'll be there in 15, B-dawg.

Woof, woof!

(laughs)

That's our thing.

Uh... be where in 15?

Laser tag.

Never been. B-dawg's gonna teach me.

Look, I-I think that it's great that you and Barney are...

B-dawg.

...B-dawg are bonding, but, um... you agreed to help me with this.

Fine.

Where did you bury this tampon?

It's a locket.

I'm sorry, I get all these girlie things confused.

Do you need my help or not?

Nah, it's stupid.

(laughs)

Narrator: So while Robin searched for her something old, Lily and Marshall packed for their something new:

Lily's year-long art consultant

gig in Italy.

I still can't believe we have to say goodbye to this place...

Oh. I know, baby.

But look at it as an excuse to simplify our lives.

You know, we can't bring everything to Italy, so we gotta throw out some junk.

For example, look... my old Sasquatch binders that "I could never throw away"

because "I was gonna be the guy who proved the existence of Bigfoot..."

These are obviously coming to Italy.

But these handbags?

Gonzo.

No way!

These have sentimental meaning to me.

Didn't you shop-lift these in your 20s?

Yes, and I get very nostalgic for that time.

You get older, you have kids, you stop stealing, it's sad.

Lily... we just don't have room for these.

Oh, but you get to keep your Bigfoot binders?

Wait, why is this one just December 1999?

Oh. Y2K was coming.

Lot of people took to the woods.

Saw the truth.

Okay, Marshall, we don't have time to argue over what stays and what goes.

Ooh, you know who we gotta bring in?

Okay, I agree he is good at this stuff, but he just gets so cocky.

No, he doesn't.

So I heard you guys have a bit of a... packing situation.

I acknowledge now this was a mistake.

Look, I came here to chew bubblegum and pack boxes.

And I'm all out of bubble...

(gulps, chokes)

(coughing): Oh, my God.... Oh, my God.

I swallowed it.

Is that bad?

Okay, thank you.

Well, Dr. Goldsmith says I should be fine.

I just have to look for it in my stool.

So as I was saying...

I heard you guys have a bit of a... packing situation.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x23 ♪

Something Old

Original Air Date on May 6, 2013

Now, as you know, I'm a bit of a legend when it comes to packing.

We know. We know.

Tales are still told

of the time I traveled all through Spain...

...for two weeks...

...with everything I needed efficiently packed into a hands-free belt satchel.

The locals called me...

Yeah, it's not a "hands-free belt satchel," Ted.

It's a fanny pack.

It's not a fanny pack.

In Spanish,

El Ganso con la Riñonera

means "Fanny Pack Dork."

No, it doesn't.

It means "Packer of Great Skill and Merit."

Narrator: I looked it up.

It means"Fanny Pack Dork."

And as a Packer of Great Skill and Merit, I will tell you how to pack with Tetris-like precision.

We get it, you pack a lot in your fanny.

Obvious yet delightful.

Ted: Okay.

I got a big interview at 3:00

about possibly designing another building.

Until then, if you abide by my rulings, I will tell you what goes to Italy and what goes in... The Triangle.

Narrator: Kids, as you know, "The Bermuda Triangle"

was the name we gave to the curb right outside our apartment, which possessed the magical ability to make any item disappear.

Instantly.

The biggest rule for de-cluttering is, "Have you used it in the last year?"

If not... Triangle.

Have you used this jump rope in the last year?

(scoffs) Are you kidding?

I hop threads every morning, son!

Do three in a row and you can keep it.

Well-played, Mosby.

Next!

Have you used it in the last year?

Gee, I can't remember.

Are you trying to bribe me?

I don't know what you're talking about.

(coughing): Take it.

Triangle!

(whimpers)

Next!

(laughing)

Wow, you're a natural... Dad.

You know, I love Robin.

And her sister's okay, I guess.

But there's something nice about finally having... a son.

A s...

(choked up): I...

Cristalli twins, nine o'clock!

(Barney laughs evilly)

Now make like your mommy's ovum and split!

(laughs)

Solid biology joke, B-dawg.

Both: Woof, woof!

(laughs)

Narrator: Now, I'll admit, to the untrained eye, a few of my packing rulings may have seemed arbitrary.

Let's Go Italy? Triangle.

Triangle... let's go Italy.

A gorilla suit and a blonde wig.

Have you used either of these in the last year?

(grunting)

(silly high-pitched voice): Please, Queen Kong... be gentle.

(growling)

Nope, haven't used those.

I don't think those even belong to us.

Okay, here's an easy one.

A leaky, ten-year-old beanbag chair covered in beer, bong water and fossilized Cool Ranch Dorito fingerprints.

Italy.

Vieni ancora per Fudge Grande?

Guys, this chair has been here forever.

You gotta take it with you.

Italy. MARSHALL: Ted...

Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled, red and leaky, and smells like booze and narcotics.

They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

(laughs)

I don't know who that is.

All rulings are final.

Okay, why are things that we like getting "Triangled"

and crap you like sneaks through? Like what?

That old 50-pound karaoke machine.

Come on!

We sang in the New Year in '02

on this thing, remember?

We were Destiny's Child!

And since I was Beyonce , I'm pretty sure I get final say here, so...

Oh, we were not your backup singers, bitch, we were a group.

I'm sorry, are you guys married to Jay-Z, or am I married to Jay-Z?

Italy.

(feedback squeals)

(laser g*ns f*ring)

(grunting)

Wow.

The way you used that kid having an asthma att*ck as a human shield?

That took my breath away.

Yeah. Okay, next, I'll be point guy and you lay down cover.

So I'm... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... are you suggesting that I will not be point guy?

(laughs)

Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense.

Oh, you're from Canada, right.

If... how do I put this?

If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let... uh...

François...

What I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy.

Well, I'm point guy or I'm off the team.

Gah! You are the most stubborn human being I have ever met!

You better get used to it... you're marrying a Scherbatsky.

Your daughter is not even a fraction as obstinate, stubborn and... insane as you are!

Where are you, you son of a bitch?!

Look away, kids, she's about to pee.

What...?

I am not some animal.

I peed 20 minutes ago and I buried it neatly because I am a lady!

Ted, we haven't used this chair in the last year.

Ergo, Triangle.

Yeah, I guess I see your point.

I mean, if you haven't used it in the last year...

Oh! (laughs)

Using it!

Italy!

Triangle!

Italy.

Triangle! Triangle!

Italy.

Okay, stop!

Every time he lands, that chair farts out ten-year-old Dorito dust.

Yeah, it's the chair.

Guys, trust me: you're gonna want this chair in Italy.

I... it'll feel like home.

All right, buddy.

You win. Italy.

Really? Yeah.

We asked you to be the judge here and we gotta trust your opinion.

She's right.

And with all the traveling that we'll be doing... we could probably use a couple of your... hands-free belt satchels.

You said they were lame.

I hate to admit it, but they actually sound useful.

Could you buy us a couple?

Two hands-free belt satchels, coming right up.

Oh, and don't worry, I'll get cool colors so you guys don't look like whatever the Spanish term really is for "Fanny Pack Dork."

Men, it's us... versus them.

Our actions here today will echo through eternity...

Stand up straight, Kaden!

I only have one rule, you worthless maggots: We all respect each other.

I only have one rule: For every three tens you bang, throw a bone to a five.

They're grateful and hard-working and let's face it, sometimes you just want to lay there.

What's that got to do with Laser Tag?

Everything!

...and we will prevail, even if it takes all night!

Tanner.

I have to be home by 4:00.

(ray g*n zapping)

Anyone else have any scheduling issues?

You can take down anyone on their team... but I want the big man for myself.

What's your beef with oldie?

He's... my father.

Father-in-law.

Shut up, Kai.

Wait a second...

We get it, you pack a lot in your fanny.

Obvious yet delightful.

Oh, no!

No!

El Ganso! El Ganso!

Liars!

You sent me on a fool's errand.

Okay, to be fair, buying a fanny pack is inherently a fool's errand.

Hands-free belt satchels.

And just for that, I will not move from this chair until you agree to keep it!

Ted, unlike that chair, you, sir, are full of beans.

You have a job interview in half an hour.

Screw the interview.

I'm staying.

And because the forecast calls for rain...

This... is a raincoat.

(groans)

(sighs)

Go for Barney.

Hey. Um...

I'm having an issue.

Now, listen, Robin... is this urgent or can we talk about it later?

Nah, it's stupid.

Have fun.

(laughing)

So long, losers!

(laughing)

Um...

Look, can you guys help me down?

I... um...

Ted, if this chair really means that much to you, why don't you just take it for yourself?

No, it's important that you keep it.

Why?

This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college.

It was the only piece of furniture we had for a week.

And now you two are

moving to Italy.

What if our friendship doesn't pass the "Have you used it in a year" test?

If you can throw out this chair... who's to say you can't throw me out, too?

That could never happen.

You're not a chair, you're our best friend.

You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.

Buddy, I...

Look, I know I'm being crazy.

I just...

I just need a moment with this chair.

You know... to say good-bye.

We'll give you two some space.

Narrator: Kids, you can't cling to the past.

Because no matter how tightly you hold on...

...it's already gone.

Hello?

Hi.

I'm at the Central Park Carousel and, um...

I'm having a little bit of an issue.

Uh, what kind of issue?

Actually, it's a long story...

Um, Robin, listen, I'm-I'm late for a big meeting.

Is it important?

Nah, it's stupid.

Good luck.

All right, here's the bottom line, cockroaches.

There's no end in sight and we've got no provisions.

If it comes down to it, I need a volunteer to let the rest of us... eat him.

Barney's team seems way more fun.

Nonsense.

Candy for everyone!

(kids whooping)

Okay, Team Animal House... who wants to try a cigar?

Yeah! Yay! (laughs)

I'm not saying we're gonna start with your face or anything, but is there seriously no one here willing to give up a hand or a foot?

We're outta here!

Ted, why are you here?

You had that meeting; I told you not to come.

You said, "Nah, it's stupid,"

which is Robin-ese for, "It's important."

Everyone knows that.

Well... not everyone.

But you shouldn't have skipped that meeting.

Was it important?

Nah, it's stupid.

And yet, my future husband--

who I sometimes fear is troublingly similar to my emotionally unavailable father--

is off sh**ting laser g*ns with, oh, yeah, you guessed it: my emotionally unavailable father.

Oh, come on, that's not fair.

If you told Barney that you needed him, he'd be here in a heartbeat.

I didn't have to tell you.

And you're here.

You don't even know why.

Seems like I'm here to dig.

(kids' ray g*ns zapping)

Looking for "D"s?

Long story short, I promised my future self the locket would be my "something old" at my wedding.

What?

No, I just like that there was ever a version of you who imagined having a "something old" at your wedding.

Robin Scherbatsky--

you're a girl.

Shut up. You're a girl.

That's been established.

The new information here is that you're a girl.

Wait... is that...?

Oh, my God, I found it.

(sighs, laughs)

Okay... what's really going on with this locket?

(sighs)

I'm gonna admit something that I couldn't admit until I found this.

I've been having fears about marrying Barney.

I mean, in many ways, he's-he's grown up into a mature, caring adult...

I'm gonna sh**t you with your own g*n.

(laughs manically)

...but I still don't know if he's ready for this.

I still don't know if I am.

But if I could find this locket--

if it was still here, waiting for me--

that would mean that the Universe wanted me to marry Barney.

And that everything was gonna be okay.

And when it was gone, it was like... every doubt I-I ever had about Barney, about myself, got dug up.

But I found it. (laughs)

And everything's gonna be okay.

Any last words?

You know, seeing you on the field of battle--

ruthless, manipulative, untrustworthy--

you've got all the qualities I would've wanted in a son.

Now I say to you the last words my father said to me: "sh**t me already."

Or we could keep playing, if you want.

Nah, it's stupid.

Okay, Team Animal House, I got him!

Come on out!

You're point guy, R-dawg.

Both: Woof, woof.

(ray g*ns zapping)

(phone blips)

(phone blips)

Oh, thank God.

This is a sign from the Universe.

It's not a sign from the Universe...

Yes, it is!

The-the locket is just gone and you're telling me that doesn't mean anything?

You know this is a bad omen, Ted-- you're Universe Guy!

And you're Skeptic Girl!

You're-you're not supposed to believe any of that.

Well, maybe I've grown skeptical of being skeptical.

(voice breaking): This is a sign.

Look, it's not a sign.

You're doing the right thing marrying Barney.

The Universe isn't sending you some message.

(thunder crashes)

As we know from science, rain is liquid water in the form of droplets which have condensed from atmospheric vapor and then precipitated.

It's not a sign.

Ted, this is a sign and you know it.

I mean, the Universe is screaming at me right now!

How-how-how can you, of all people, tell me to ignore that?

Because maybe it's dumb to look for "signs from the Universe."

I mean, maybe the Universe has better things to do.

Dear God, I hope it does.

Do you know how many "signs" I've gotten that I should or shouldn't be with someone?

And where has it gotten me?

Maybe there aren't any signs.

Maybe... maybe a locket's just a locket, a chair is just a chair.

Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing.

Maybe we don't... maybe we don't need the Universe to tell us what we really want.

Maybe we already know that, deep down.

♪ Sharpen them with lies

♪ And whatever's going down

♪ Will follow you around

♪ That's how you fight loneliness... ♪