01x05 - Super Fan

[bunniefuu]

[Elevator bell dings]

[Squeals] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I win! I b*at Cristela to work. [Laughs]

Maddie, it's not a contest. But for the record, I b*at you both.

We should really make it a contest.

[Elevator bell dings]

[Gasps]

Here comes the bronze! [Chuckles]

Oops, that came out wrong.

Doesn't it drive you nuts how we get stopped at security every single day?

We have security? I thought they were greeters. I mean, they're always so friendly.

You mean I'm the only one that gets randomly selected to be checked? Hmm, I wonder why.

Why is that?

Hmm.

What is it about you...

...and me...

That's different?

Mm... Well, I don't talk with my hands.

Maddie.

Yes?

Why are you on time?

Oh, dad's doing our first performance review to send to school today, and I wanted to make a good impression.

After 25 years... good time to start.

Maddie: Mm-hmm!

Well, I can't wait.

When you're the best, you love being judged.

Is that why the security guards judge me...

'cause I'm the best?

Speaking of the best, I'm bringing in my new vichyssoise soup tomorrow.

Ooh, love it.

What's in the recipe?

I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Oh, a secret.

Like when I over-order at drive-throughs and pretend there's someone with me?

Like that kind of secret?

Hey.

How 'bout them Cowboys?!

Yeah! Dez Bryant! What, what?

Oh!

Wh-wh-whoa-ho!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ho! [Laughs]

[Laughs]

Yes! Hell of a catch.

Oh, I know.

[Laughs] Oh, yeah.

Yes!

It was.

Hi, daddy!

I was here before Cristela.

[Sighs]

And I am working, so... mm.

Whew.

I may have celebrated a little too much last night.

Last week you were hungover 'cause the Cowboys lost.

Well, win or lose, Cowboys always give you a reason to drink.

[Chuckles]

That's why I love them.

Just as long as you're seeing clear for our performance reviews.

Sure am.

In fact, there might be an opening for a junior associate when you finish your internship.

Maybe two.

Anyway, I know that you guys will be fighting tooth and nail.

Teeth and nails.

I'm willing to lose all of them. That's how much I want this.

Good to know.

By the way, the Shark is coming by tomorrow, so don't do anything to embarrass me.

[Gasps] Oh!

Culpepper and Associates.

The phone didn't ring, sweetheart.

Oh, can't talk now, daddy. I'm working.

Uh, who's he calling the Shark?

Oh, his favorite client.

And that would be...?

Someone who could put a good word in for you with my dad if you impress him.

Yeah, but how are Cris and I supposed to impress him if we don't know who he is?

Oh [Chuckles] I know who he is.

But I can't tell you.

It's a secret.

Like when I eat pizza and drink diet coke because I think they cancel each other out.

[Telephone rings]

Aah! It's ringing! What do I do now?

Hey, Ama, can you make me a sandwich?

Could I? Yes.

Will I? No.

I still have 50 pages to read on civil litigation.

So sue me. [Laughs]

Daniela, did Izzy freak out with her early birthday present?

Oh, she sure did.

It was like she was at a Menudo concert.

Okay, it was like I was at a Menudo concert.

I knew she'd love it.

Thanks again for chipping in on her gift.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank the extension on my credit line.

Cris, you're the best.

I love my awesome birthday present.

Oh, I'm glad.

Is it inside that expensive-looking bag?

You know it's the bag, silly.

All the popular girls have it. Now I'm just like them.

Yay for individuality.

Daniela, when I gave you that money, we agreed she would get a tablet for reading.

Oh, I know, I know, but on the way to the mall, she just kept talking and talking about how much she needed this bag that would make her look cool.

Great. She's at that age where girls finally get judged by what they wear.

I know, right?

Look, she insisted on it, so [Sighs] what could I do?

Nothing.

11-year-olds know best.

I wanted to be a ninja cheerleader.

Mom should've bought me that sword.

Okay, so, you know better... living in your sister's house rent-free with your book friends.

Ah, da, da. They have names.

Izzy really wanted that bag.

Ama never gave us anything we wanted, and we turned out great.

[Both laugh]

My soup is ruined.

Yep, the refrigerator in the break room's on the fritz again.

Oh, I found this steak in there.

Tastes fine.

Well, it should be at 40 degrees, and it's at 45.

I can't eat this now.

Cristela: Oh.

Free soup.

[Singsong voice] I'll eat it.

Josh...

Oh, is this about the fridge?

Did you bring soup, too?

[Sighs]

Josh, you're too close to my face.

But I got to say, this is the best damn synopsis of a thorny legal issue I have ever read.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

I got my eye on you, boy.

You're all substance over style.

You know who has substance and style?

DeMarco Murray.

Ooh. Damn right. Yeah.

My boy's gonna be M.V.P.

That's a great point. Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]

Thank you. [Chuckles]

Thank you, sir.

Uh...

Did you have anything else that you wanted to say about my synopsis, sir?

Well, can't you see that me and Cristela are talking about something important?

Yes!

Touchdown!

I thought you guys were just talking about football.

Why don't you give me that back?

Maybe I should take another look at it.

Football is not important?

Mm.

[Chuckling] And on performance-review day.

Mm, mm, mm.

Oh, hey. Y-you here to fix the fridge?

Um...

No, I'm here to fix the copier.

Oh.

Oh, well, if you're mechanically inclined, maybe you could take a look at the fridge, too.

Sure, buddy. Anything for you.

Have you seen my buddy Trent?

Oh, actually, he doesn't really take walk-ins.

You kind of have to be a client, so...

Oh, hey, look.

I'm boxing him out, Mr. Cuban.

Oh! [Laughs]

Huge Mavs fan.

God, 2011 finals, highlight of my life.

Right above...

Well, there hasn't been a lot of highlights.

Highlight of my life, too.

Oh, my God!

[Chuckling] I'm sure it wasn't the only one, though.

Mark.

Trent!

Sorry if these guys seem a little edgy.

I'm eyeing one of them for a promotion.

Well, this guy here, he was trying to get me to fix the fridge.

Ah.

Good luck.

Hey, Josh, the printer's jammed.

You think you could get [Laughing] Mark Cuban to fix it?

[Laughs]

Come on. You guys both knew who he was?

Our families go glamping together.

That's camping, but at a hotel.

I guess that makes my cousins part of the "gleaning" crew.

Wait, how have you lived in Dallas for years and not know who Mark Cuban is?

I can give you 4.0 reasons.

40 reasons?

[Laughing] Oh, my God.

I've reconsidered.

It's garbage.

But... but, sir, you said that...

Oh, now you're gonna tell me what I said, huh?

No, I am not.

Hey, sir.

Mavs.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, say, that reminds me, Mark Cuban really liked your style.

[Gasps]

Hey, I'm done with my synopsis.

You want it?

Oh, I'm sure it's great. Just distribute it.

Thank you!

Thank you, sir.

[Scoffs] I ca... I can't believe it... my 50-year plan shattered by sports.

What's the obsession?

I mean, it... it... it isn't like theater... it doesn't have any real meaning.

Of course it does.

Josh, why do you like theater?

Compelling human drama.

I mean, "Les Mis" runs the gamut of real emotion.

You want emotion?

3rd and goal in a close game is Jean Valjean on a barricade.

Oh, man. He sings "bring him home," and then he saves Marius.

They go into the sewer, and he meets up with Javert and...

Sports. We're talking sports.

All right. All right. I think I'm starting to get it...

Sports are important in Dallas.

And everywhere else. Continue.

[Sighs]

I just...

I just can't fall on my face like that when Mark Cuban comes back in.

Could you just, like, teach me the basics so I don't embarrass myself?

Sports is a universe, Josh.

That's like asking somebody, like, "hey, give me the basics of physics."

Oh, that's easy... mass times velocity equals momentum, force equals mass times acceleration, and the acceleration of gravity equals 9.8 meters per second squared.

Okay, stop flirting with me.

This sports stuff is just driving me crazy.

Like, do you have any idea what it feels like not to fit in?

You know, I was just talking about that with the security guards.

Hey, Felix.

What do you think of Izzy's new bag?

I don't.

Well, did you know she only wanted it to fit in with the popular girls?

Good for her.

No, bad for her.

Why is that bad?

I mean, I was popular.

Daniela was popular.

Now the kids will be popular, too.

Only one holding us back is you.

Ama, you know what I'm trying to say.

Sí.

Uh...

You know, you don't need nice things to make people like you.

You just need a nice smile.

Like this.

Hey, Izzy.

That's a pretty cool bag.

Thanks.

I'll be the first girl to have it.

Besides Jackie and Becca and Emma.

And Tiffany and Sophie.

But we don't talk to Sophie.

Here's the thing... it starts with that bag, and then you need stuff to put into it, like makeup.

Are we going shopping?

You only want that bag because your friends have it, but then they'll want other new bags.

And then a scarf.

A new scarf?

I don't know what kids wear.

The point is...

We can't afford it.

You can't have a Kardashian lifestyle on a "Honey Boo Boo" budget.

So, we're not going shopping?

I don't want your whole life revolving around being cool or trendy...

Instead of being a good person.

But mom has nice things, and she's a good person.

Yeah, she's okay.

But it's not her nice things that make her a good person.

So, you're saying I should take the bag back?

I just want you to think about what's really important to you.

Maybe, instead of a bag, you'd like a ticket to a world of imagination and wonder.

Disneyland?

No, mija, more like the county fair.

Look, if sports comes up, and it will, just say, "hell yeah,"

"what, what," and "up top."

What, what.

Just say "hell yeah" and "up top."

Mark Cuban's on his way up.

All right.

It's game time.

[Laughs]

Hell yeah!

You should hide.

On top!

Up top.

Up top!

Nailed it.

[Chuckles]

But owning your own jet's probably more trouble than it's worth, right?

I'm guessing you don't own a jet.

[Laughs]

He still in there?

Yeah.

Go on.

I know you want to go in there and do your high-Fives.

He'll probably give you the promotion on the spot.

Okay.

You earned it.

I mean, you know more about sports.

[Sighs]

Pathetic guys are so my type!

Hey.

This is what we're gonna do... you're gonna put that Bluetooth on, I'm gonna call you, and you're gonna repeat everything I say.

[Gasps] Does he have to use your accent?

What accent?!

I love it.

It's like "Cyrano de Bergerac," Edmond Rostand's masterwork.

Fun fact... he's also the guy that wrote the play that the musical "The Fantasticks" is based on.

Fact? Yes. Fun? Eh.

Well, it's no "A Chorus Line," am I right?

[Sighs]

Maybe I should just go in there and pretend to be you.

[Chuckling]

Oh, - I-I just...

I-I saw the door was open, so I just...

I just wanted to pop in and wish Mr. Cuban... hey, Mr. Cuban, good luck tonight against the Spurs.

You got this, man. You got it.

I am so sorry I left the door open... my bad.

Speaking of doors, looks like yours is closing on getting another ring with Nowitzki.

Kind of feels like maybe yours is closing on getting another ring with Nowitzki.

I'm just saying.

Who is this guy?

Josh, want to wrap this up?

Yeah, absolutely. Just, uh, just one more thing.

So, um...

So, uh, that, uh, that 2011 title team, huh?

It was pretty amazing, right?

Jason Terry, "the jet," getting a tattoo of the NBA championship trophy before the season and winning it all... aah! Gives me goosebumps.

It actually gives me, uh, it gives me goosebumps, actually. Do you want to...

Josh. Josh.

Yeah?

Mr. Cuban here is a shark.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, if you don't leave pretty soon, you know what you're gonna be, chum?

What?

Chum.

Trent, I'm kind of liking this.

Tell me more about me.

All right.

Well, let's, uh, let's talk about Carlisle for a second.

When Carlisle sprung that zone on them, Lebron and the Heat didn't know what to do.

He and the Heat, they didn't know what hit them.

Rick's a great coach.

What was the best moment for you?

Oh, great... great question.

Um... Um... My... my special moment... My special moment, it was... [Cellphone beeps] ...was, uh... [Bluetooth beeps]

I got to start bringing my charger to work.

It's hard... it's... honestly, it's hard to distill it down to a moment.

There were so many... Singular... sensations.

You guys ever seen "A Chorus Line"?

Th-the dancers get in a line, and they've got hats and they're kicking and...

I-is... is Josh chewing your ears off about sports again?

And Broadway shows.

Kid's got range.

Like, uh, Dirk dropping daggers from deep.

Am I right? [Chuckles]

Deep daggers.

Josh reminded me earlier how classy it was when you brought up the original Mavs owner for the trophy presentation.

That was really classy.

So, this is who's been talking to you on your phone?

Wh... I don't know what you're talking about. What's that?

She's a Mavs fan.

[Giggles]

I love her.

How would you like to sit courtside at tonight's game?

[Gasps]

I'd love it!

Wi-with sports fanatic Josh.

Oh, tonight I actually got tons of...

Pent-up desire to take in some NBA action.

Go, Mavs.

So, you won't mind sitting next to Garth Brooks?

[Giggles]

Is he, uh... is he injured? He's not playing?

You know, you didn't have to walk me up here.

I can't go home yet.

I'm still on a high from when Nowitzki hit that 3 at the buzzer.

Dirk Nowitzki.

Hey.

Everything you said made sense.

So, um, question for you... if we're both competing for the same promotion, why'd you help me?

Because the day we met, I felt out of place and you made me feel like I belonged.

Well, you do.

And so do you.

I know what it's like not to fit in, and I don't want anybody feeling like that.

Besides, when I b*at you out for junior associate, I don't want you to have any excuses.

You do remember 4.0?

Mm-hmm.

I have one, too.

It didn't work, but you get it.

Well, let the best man win.

Oh...

She will.

This is me high-fiving Mark Cuban.

And this is my friend Josh [sighs] rooting for the wrong team.

I don't know.

I'd rather watch where the beer is free and there's a shorter line to the bathroom.

Are you kidding? There's nothing like it.

The only time something like this happens to people like us is on TV.

But people like us would never be on TV.

Ay, he can be so negative, huh?

Hey.

Uh-oh.

Shopping again?

What is it this time... a-a-a sequined conductor's cap?

What?

Again, I do not know what the kids wear.

Izzy and I had a talk about the chat you two had.

Look...

I don't think Izzy should keep the bag, but if it makes her happy, then I won't say any more about it.

I'm not keeping the bag.

Yes!

Oh!

Oh, I knew you were better than that!

I knew it! Yes!

It should go to someone who works really hard and never asks for anything.

Ay.

You are embarrassing me. [Chuckles]

And that person is Cris.

Oh.

I didn't want it anyway.

Me?

Why?

Because good people deserve nice things.

Are you okay with this?

It's her bag.

She can do whatever she wants with it.

Thank you, Izzy.

That is so sweet of you.

Daniela...

[Sighs]

...do you have the receipt?

I don't know what my favorite part of the game was.

Probably the bonus round.

You mean overtime?

Oh, I also really liked the kiss cam.

It was so exciting.

Oh, yeah, it was.

I got to kiss Garth Brooks.

[Chuckles]

Hi!

Just here working, you know?

Nose to the grindstone and all that, so...

Did you finish our reviews?

Sure did.

So...?

In the current standings, two of you are doing great.

Do you want to expand on that?

Not particularly. No need to, sir.

I read you like Romo and Witten read each other.

Hell yeah!

You get me, Cristela.

I want the two good eggs to keep working, and I want the third one to shape up.

[Chuckles]

You heard him... one of you needs to get it together.

Where are you going?

Oh! I have a date with that sweet security guard.

[Chuckles]

Tell him "randomly selected" says hi.