01x09 - It's Not About the Tamale

[bunniefuu]

I got to make sure I have enough gift wrap for everyone.

You buy a lot of Christmas presents?

No, I'm broke. I'm just giving everyone gift wrap this year.

What are you working on?

Oh, just pre-ordering one movie ticket for Christmas Eve.

Oh, you couldn't have made that sound sadder.

Wait, seriously, Josh, what are you doing for Christmas?

Oh, I'm Jewish.

[Gasps] Oh, sorry.

What I meant to say was, Cris, what are you doing for Christmas? And, Josh, what are you doing for Jewish Christmas?

Uh, I'm just gonna keep it low-key. You know, probably have a quiet dinner by myself after the movie.

Sadder.

Sadder.

Well, daddy and I will be roasting chestnuts over an open fire. In Hawaii! [Laughs]

Maddie, you make everything a white Christmas.

Aww, thanks.

Well, I'm excited because, every year at my house, the women wake up in the middle of the night, and we spend hours making tamales.

Josh: You know, my mom always says that you can judge a woman by what her family's like.

Oh, my mom says you can judge anybody by their clothing.

Well, I think Josh's mom is right.

You know, I mean, sometimes, my family, we just sit around, and we live, laugh, love.

Just like the posters say to do.

I'd love to make tamales. Hey, maybe I should come over.

[Mockingly] Oh, okay. Come over.

We start at 4:00 in the morning. Ohh.

[Mockingly] Oh, okay. I'll bring coffee.

Ohh.

Ohh.

[Mockingly] Ohh, okay! [Laughs]

I-I just... I just wanted to join in.

All right, bro, check this out.

We push all the furniture back, and then I'll bring in the card tables for dinner tomorrow.

[Speaks Spanish] This is gonna be the year I get to sit at the adult table.

[Chuckles]

You should be there already.

You've been eating like an adult since you were 3.

[Laughs]

Look, you want to make it to the adult table?

You can't let Eddie get to you.

Oh, watching them wrestle is my favorite part of Christmas.

Well, watching your mom get mad is my least favorite part of Christmas.

Well, my favorite part of Christmas is you, daddy.

Mm. Izzy, we're done with the shopping.

Oh.

Hey, Cris, check out my new hat.

Look it. Watch.

[Gasps] Ah-choo! Oh!

Mistletoe.

How about a kiss?

Mm, I would, but, you know...

I don't want to.

Hey.

[Both] Hey.

Felix, I've got a big box in the car.

Would you guys please go get it out for me?

Hey, Felix, don't worry about it, bro.

I got this, man. I'm a man.

Hey, can you turn on the lights? It's scary out there.

Ay.

The house looks so beautiful.

Everything is perfect for your brother.

And for the rest of us, too, right, mom?

Or just for your favorite?

Mm.

Eddie is not my favorite.

Of course he is, because he gives you a place to live.

Oh, no, wait. That's you, Daniela.

Huh.

And he drops everything to help you when you need it.

Mm.

Wait, no.

That's you, Cristela.

Oh!

Hmm.

[Groans] Eddie's not even here and this is already horrible.

Well, imagine how bad it's gonna be when he does get here.

Ay.

Well, who needs Christmas lights when Eddie's smile lights up the room?

Okay, Ama, we get it. He's your only boy.

Ugh, I can't believe you invited him.

Look at how happy she is.

Look at how happy I am.

Hey, I get it.

I mean, he shows up, I'm in third place.

Thank God we don't have a pet.

[Sighs]

I know.

And he hasn't really done anything with his life.

He's not married. He doesn't have kids.

And whenever we need help, he's always too busy.

Oh, but mom thinks he's perfect.

[Scoffs]

Ooh, I heard "perfect."

Are you talking about Eddie?

[Alberto grunts]

Hey, this thing weighs a ton... for somebody that doesn't work out.

[Grunts]

Cris.

Hmm?

That's the new Nativity scene I got for the yard... on clearance!

Oh?

It has much brighter lights than our old one.

Oh?

Bright lights?

Jesus was born in a manger, not the Las Vegas.

And it was only $10, because it's missing a wise man.

We can get the scarecrow from the fall and fill in the gap.

We don't need a new Nativity scene.

Ay, Ama, our Nativity scene is on its last leg.

I mean, our Jesus is... older than Jesus.

Well, just because something is new does not make it better.

Well just because something is old doesn't mean it has to be bitter.

Well, you know who's not gonna like this new Nativity scene?

Eduardo.

He and I like and hate the same things.

I'm here!

Presents!

[Chuckles] No, actually, this is my laundry.

Drop those clothes and give me a hug!

Ioh, mi Eduardo! Imi hijo!

Ay, Ama, I missed you so much.

Oh!

Mommy.

Oh!

I thought I would never see you again.

Come on. He was in Tulsa installing carpets.

There was a good chance he'd come back alive.

Daniela, it's great to see you.

And I see you, too.

I'm sorry I don't have any presents.

I didn't have time to stop anywhere.

Aw, really?

No truck stops between here and Tulsa where you could pick up your usual candle?

Ay, Mamita, I know how you love those candles.

Isn't my presence here gift enough?

Of course.

Yes. You're the gift that keeps on taking.

How do you look so good at 4:00 in the morning?

I have no idea. I don't even try.

Well, no doubt who the best-looking person in the family is.

Ay, Eddie. Handsome Eddie.

He has the jawline of a movie star.

And the waistline of a movie watcher.

Come on, you two. Stop it.

Let's get this tamale show on the road.

Or, as I call it...

All: Our baby shower for Jesus.

I love to have all my kids together at Christmas.

Because you never know...

All: It could be my last.

Ay, Ama, don't say that.

She says it every year.

And one of these years, I'm gonna be right.

If you ever need anything, like a kidney, just tell me.

I'll make Cristela give you one of hers.

What?

We probably don't match.

Ay, what is that?

This is the new pot I bought to cook our tamales in.

Wait a minute.

New pot, new Nativity scene.

What's next new mother?

You know, there's nothing wrong with my old pot.

Ama, please, it doesn't have any handles.

Oh, I didn't know I was the mother of a queen who needs fancy things like handles.

I'm with Ama.

I think we should honor everything that's old.

Show of hands.

Oh!

Yes! Yeah! We won! We won!

[Laughs]

Hey! Hey, Alberto, leave him alone!

I can't believe you voted with them.

Ay, just let her have her pot.

It doesn't have any handles.

Do you know what you call a pot with no handles?

A bucket.

Can we just let Ama be happy this Christmas?

I mean, with any luck, it'll be her last.

Hey.

Your words, not mine.

[Doorbell rings]

Was that the doorbell?

Ay, it's so early for the Jehovahs to be witnessing.

[Doorbell ringing]

[Choking]

Oh, no, don't worry. I'll get it.

I can see you're busy.

Felix, break them up!

Oh, come on. I want to see who wins the argument.

You know who wins? Anybody that doesn't live here.

Josh! I'm here. [Grunting]

What are those guys doing?

They're just, uh, living, laughing, loving.

You know, poster stuff.

What are you doing here?

I brought coffee.

Eduardo: Ooh!

Hey. Thank you very much.

Oh, of course, yeah.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Hey.

Felix: Hey.

I'm, uh... I'm Josh. I'm Cris' friend from work.

Daniela: Really?

Yeah.

Well, what are you doing here, "Josh from work"?

Uh, well, Cristela invited me over to make tamales with the family.

I mean, right?

Well, Josh...

I thought we were joking.

We were?

We were. I'm sorry.

Maybe I should leave. You know what? It's fine.

My movie starts in 11 hours anyway, so...

Okay.

Oh, no, no.

Of course she meant to invite you.

I guess our Christmas theme this year is surprise guests.

So, is Josh from the work staying or leaving?

Josh is staying.

Hi, Josh.

Hey.

I vote "leave."

Show of hands.

Don't be silly. Josh is staying.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Daniela, Cristela's sister.

Join our family.

Oh, God, who would want to?

Can we just pretend to have a wonderful time in front of Josh so that he can see what a great, normal family we are?

[Door closes]

Hey, guys, the tamale helper's back.

Hey, we were just sitting here waiting for you... being perfectly normal.

I'll tell you what's perfect... that riddle in the bathroom.

So, in that one picture, there were two sets of footprints, then one.

And the reason there's one is 'cause he's carrying you.

[Chuckles]

Eddie got that for me at a gas station.

He wasn't even getting gas.

Ay, he's so selfless.

That's where you find the best religious stuff... next to the slushie machine.

Come on, you two.

Less talking, more tamale-making.

Am I doing it wrong?

There's really no right or wrong way.

But you're doing it the wrong way.

Ay! Stupid thing!

What?

Wait, wait, what happened?

I b*rned myself.

Well, why didn't you use the towel?

Why doesn't it have a handle?!

Don't blame the pot because you are clumsy.

[Scoffs]

I hate your bucket!

I b*rned my hand on the pot you voted for.

Well, you know what they say...

"it's not tamales until somebody burns themselves."

No one has ever said that.

If Eddie says it, then it's true.

Will you stop defending him?

I am not!

Will you shut up?

You're making fools out of yourselves in front of my guest!

Well, he shouldn't even be here!

[Sighs] Ama!

No.

New Nativity scene. New pot.

Ioh, ay!

Strangers wandering in.

Well, I...

I-I was invited.

This is not how Christmas is supposed to be.

This is not how mothers are supposed to be!

I feel really bad.

Uh... My family is really not that crazy.

Hey, hey, look what I found.

Check it out.

I'm gonna take an "elfie."

[Camera shutter clicks]

So tell me more about Hanukkah.

I'm so embarrassed by my family.

No. It's okay.

I like how honest your family is.

They... they don't really worry about hurting each other's feelings.

Or anyone else's.

Hmm.

That was nothing.

You should come over for new year's.

They drink. [Chuckles]

Um...

You know, I, uh...

I-I kind of like seeing you outside of work.

Oh, yeah? Hmm.

Yeah.

I guess I am kind of bringing it with this hoodie.

[Both chuckle]

Yeah, I just...

I-I like seeing how much you want your family to be happy.

You know, like the fact that you invited your brother over for Christmas so he... he won't be all alone.

You're right. Yeah, I'm a good person.

It's the same way your mom goes overboard to make him feel special.

You two are actually a lot alike.

Wow, Christmas just got worse.

No. No, no, no, no. I think your mom is great.

She actually reminds me of my grandma.

You know, both really set in their ways.

Both love tradition.

Ah, she is a creature.

Of habit?

Sure, we'll go with that.

She just likes to use the same old things to do the same old things.

Yeah, I bet she does.

She must have a lot of old stuff around.

You know, mementos.

No, she had to get rid of most of her stuff when she moved in... with Daniela.

Oh.

Oh, uh, wait. The scarecrow isn't done.

Oh, that's okay.

The scarecrow will keep the birds away from Jesus.

Hey. How's your finger?

[Scoffs] Still red... seasonally appropriate.

Stupid Eddie.

You shouldn't be mad at him.

Why shouldn't I be?

Because you have everything, you know?

Got a great house, great job, amazing kids, an awesome sister... and a husband who appreciates you.

Eddie has none of that.

Hey, I'm trying to stay mad here, okay?

You know, all he has is a mom who adores him...

And us, who hate him for it.

What are you two doing?

Besides ruining everything?

Stop it.

Ama, I get what's bothering you about Daniela's new stuff.

Now, do you want me to say it, or do you want to?

Cris, what is it?

[Sighs]

I think mom is threatened by your new stuff.

'Cause then she has to make room for it by getting rid of her old stuff.

Right, Ama?

Yes.

Ama...

I hate hearing you say that.

Technically, I said it.

That's not what I'm trying to do.

I used to have an entire house filled with things.

And now everything I own fits into one small room.

[Sighs]

I'm so sorry, Ama.

Listen, it's just a stupid pot.

A stupid Nativity scene.

We don't have to use any of it if you don't want to, okay?

She's right.

We will keep burning our hands on that thing... for as long as you want us to.

Ay.

Thank you, girls.

That's all I want.

Cris, how did you figure it out?

I was talking to Josh outside, and he helped me realize what was going on.

Josh did that?

Yeah, he did.

[Sighs]

Sounds like a great catch, this friend.

Yes, a friend.

He might be coming back for new year's.

That's how brave he is.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mmm.

[Chuckles]

Kids table!

What?

Eddie, come on. I have a guest.

Yes, I know. He's in your seat.

Hey, Cris, I wrapped your presents for you.

'Cause I'm a nice guy.

Cristela: Thank you, Alberto.

I hope you put my name on a few.

Oh, I haven't put the names on them yet.

I'm gonna do that next.

How is that gonna work?

Yeah, I haven't thought that through yet. Uh...

Super-secret Santa.

Daniela, is there something I can help you with?

No, no, no, thank you. You relax, Josh.

Are you sure?

Yes. You're our guest.

Okay.

I would just like to say something.

Josh...

I'm sorry for what I said and how I acted earlier.

You are always welcome in our home.

And... so is your laundry.

Why is she always so nice to the guys?

Thank you.

A-and can I just say that you guys are so lucky to have such a sweet, caring, and loving matriarch.

Finally, somebody who gets it!

Well, I just want to say how happy I am to be with my incredible family, especially my big brother.

Thank you for being here, Eddie.

And I'm grateful for having two wonderful sisters that do so much for this family.

And for me.

[Glasses clink]

I guess I don't do anything for him.

Well, I just want to say...

That I love you all.

And I would be proud to be judged by my family.

Even me?

Even you, Alberto.

It's a Christmas miracle!

[Laughs]

[Gasps]

Bye-bye.

Natalia: Bye, Josh!

Hold on.

Huh?

[Electricity buzzing]

Oh, my...

I-it's subtle.

[Chuckles]

Thanks for coming over.

And feel free to never mention this to anyone at the office... ever.

Are you kidding me? I had a great time. Plus, I'm getting my laundry done for free for the next year.

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Um... Thanks for, uh... Thanks for having me over.

Yeah, well, maybe next year, I'll even invite you.

[Both chuckle]

By the way, I kind of like seeing you outside of work, too.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

[Knock on window]

[Knock on window]

This is the world's worst advent calendar.