01x08 - The Daddy Whisperer

[bunniefuu]

Stop. Gimme that!

I've got it. Quit yapping at me, Play nice, Danny. Or at least give him a step ladder.

Okay, people. I need a clean shirt and a clean baby, not necessarily in that order.

Emma, you ready for your first playdate?

Okay now. Remember, Emma, what we talked about.

Just because he buys you formula doesn't mean you need to share your toys.

She's actually pretty smitten with her new little friend Jordan.

Well, she's also having an affair with her thumb, so I wouldn't be picking out china just yet.

Honey, I think it's so cute that you joined a Mommy and Me class.

Room full of hot mommies?

Yeah, he's selfless.

( Scoffs )

This is about Emma, okay?

Jordan's mom Isabelle is amazing.

People actually call her the "mommy whisperer."

Funny. That used to be your father's nickname.

She runs the whole program.

There's a huge waiting list for her class.

But, using a little of the patented Wheeler charm, Emma and I have jumped to the front of the list.

We pass our playdate audition today, and we're in.

( Music from TV playing ) - We're in! Yes!

Finally!

Whoo! Yes!

Today is gonna be all about yelling, swearing and full-on body blows.

( Mouths )

Sounds like my wedding night.

Boxing. It's the pay-per-view fight of the decade.

Yup.

And watching it is how we stay manly.

Ohh.

Yeah, okay, that should do it.

Oh! It's okay, Emma. Here we go.

Three-second rule.

No! No-second rule.

Izzy said that's a myth.

Honey, when I was raising you boys, it was a three-day rule.

If you kept it down, it was safe.

If you didn't-- well, that's why we had a dog.

Well, Izzy has this simple list of rules that every parent needs to follow.

It's amazing how much I don't know.

We're all amazed at that, honey.

And I've got a list too.

Chips, beer, salsa, guacamole and you be home by 8:00.

( Mouths )

Please. I'm so on it.

And I'm so late.

The first thing on Izzy's list: Be prepared for everything.

The second thing on the list: Don't forget the baby.

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

So maybe not the best day for the park.

If you need to dry off--

We're good.

Rain or shine, we're always prepared.

Make yourself comfortable, while we recycle our raincoats.

It smells very...

( Inhales )

Male.

On behalf of the three men who live here, thank you.

Look, we're sorta new on the whole baby-dating scene, so I'm not really sure what comes next.

A little peek-a-boo.

Maybe some spin-the-bottle.

That's hilarious.

But it's almost time for Jordan's nap and I can't imagine putting him down anywhere here, so we should...

Probably be going.

No no no no. Please don't.

I know we're probably not up to your usual standards.

And the place could use a touch more...

Baby-proofing.

"A touch?"

She says, looking at a giant dartboard and 75 choking hazards.

Ben, I'm sorry. I just don't know if you're taking your role as a parent seriously enough.

And that's why we need to be in your class.

We're tired of being pathetic "Befores."

( Exaggerated sigh )

We wanna be happy "Afters."

( Laughs )

We need to be Izzied.

Yay, Izzy!

( Giggles )

I guess I could do a private home intensive.

A one-on-one where we go through everything in the place.

Yes! Thank you.

Maybe we could do it over dinner.

My mom's got Jordan tonight, which just means dohe'll probably know how to mix a Martini before he's two.

Tonight? As in this evening?

Hours from now?

It's really the only time I have.

And there's no way that I could let the two of you into my class.

Then tonight it is!

But I'm just letting you know, I'm a really fast learner, so get ready to put the baby pedal to the daddy metal. ( Chuckles )

I have no idea what that means.

Ben, honey, there is such a thing as being too protective.

Did I pick you up every time you cried? No.

Did I feed you every time you were hungry?

No.

Did I fix those frayed wires behind the TV? I mean, what am I?

An electrician?

Come on, Ben, you turned out-- well, you are still here.

I feel so coddled.

Well, you should, since I'm making dinner for you and lady goo-goo.

Hey, that's organic chicken, right?

She only eats organic.

Yeah, right. Like I'm going to spend 40 bucks on a breast of chicken.

I don't spend that much per cup on a bra.

Mom! This is important.

Honey, your brother is 6'5" and he grew up eating dirt.

( Door opens )

I did it!

I got the job.

You are looking at the newest employee of Bender, Bowman, Brockman and some guy whose name I can't pronounce.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Wow. That's a really long name for a strip club.

It's a law firm and I start my internship on Monday.

Well, then you better find the rest of that skirt before then because I can kinda see your tonsils.

This is the most conservative thing I have.

Well, Emma and I are heading to the outlet mall for their monthly madness sale.

It's 40% off of 40% off.

Which I think means, they pay you.

Well, I actually could use a couple of new suits.

Here's something I'm gonna regret.

Mrs. Wheeler, will you take me shopping?

Absolutely. I can always use somebody to block those perfume ladies.

Those b*tches are tough.

But we should probably get going before the fight starts.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot the fight of the decade is tonight.

No. I mean the one Ben's gonna be getting into with the boys when they find out that he's ditching them for dizzy.

Izzy.

Whatever.

Hey, it's for Emma. They'll understand.

I don't understand!

Do you not see that we've instituted a leave-no-chip-behind policy?

Yeah.

You cannot pull the plug.

I'm making my famous five-layer bean dip.

I thought we were doing my onion dip.

Well, maybe we can try something different.

Guys!

I'm really sorry, but you'll have to find somewhere else to watch the fight.

We all have to make some sacrifices.

Oh, I know exactly who I'm sacrificing.

Yeah, we wanna watch the fight in our home with our stuff on our television!

Yeah, this is unacceptable behavior.

We are so revoking your bro card.

Well, feel free to put it in this box with the rest of your non-baby-friendly crap and dump it in the storage cage.

I've got important Mommy and Me business.

( Door shuts )

Does he even hear how weak that sounds?

( Ben shouts ) Yes, he does!

You were amazing.

The way you just ripped that shirt right out of her hands.

That's why they call it a tag sale.

I tagged her right on her ass-- just ka-blam!

Excuse me. Ladies.

Normally I would buy cookies from your troop, sir, but I just dropped a boatload of cash-- let's cut the chatter.

I got a 942 in progress.

Follow me, please.

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

Yeah. You're under arrest.

Let's fall in line, blondies.

Dude, I can't believe you didn't have enough room in your storage cage for some boxes.

You gotta get rid of some of that crap.

Dude, I can't help it.

All that furniture belonged to my nana.

And I had my first kiss on that couch.

Could we please just dump these and find a place to watch the fight?

Okay.

( Sighs )

Wait!

Is that a cable outlet?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

We need to find a place to watch the fight.

Both: Oh!

Yeah.

Guys?

Where is everything?

I believe the laundry room is officially back in order.

Who needs Ben?

More importantly, who needs beer? Okay.

This guy.

( Playfully groans )

( Laughs ) Mmm.

Okay, water boiled for pasta-- check.

Salad in a bag I'll pretend I made myself-- check.

Sweating through my nice shirt-- double check.

Okay, now what?

Cut the chicken into bite-sized pieces.

Right.

( Tucker laughing )

Where have you guys been? I've been calling you for over an hour.

No reception in the man cave.

The where? It doesn't matter.

Thank you for getting on board with this.

I say onion and bean.

I say I love you.

( Chuckles )

I'll text you as soon as Izzy's gone and you can bring back the TV and my bro card.

We're good. Maybe you can catch the fight down at the bar.

Oh, is that where you're watching it?

Nope.

So you're not gonna tell me where?

Don't see why we should.

Not really something you seem interested in.

Really? Could you be more childish?

( Whining ) Please.

Laundry room. It's so cool!

What is the point in having a No-Ben club when you invite Ben?

( Door opens )

Knock knock.

Izzy, hey.

Just take this baby monitor and let me know if anything big happens.

Thank you for coming. My brother and my roommate, both giant supporters.

Hi.

Oh, I actually just sanitized.

Boo!

Enjoy baby-proofing the apartment, and we'll be downstairs dull-proofing our lives.

Wow. Ben, I am so impressed.

Do not need to tell me anything twice.

( Giggles ) Then this should take no time at all.

And we'll be able to get to the one-on-one portion of the evening.

Isn't that what we--

Oh. Didn't realize daddy had a playdate.

( Radio static ) This is the Tom Man at home base-- over.

( Static ) Come in sector 21.

( Imitates radio static ) This is Bonnie in security.

Come in, fatpants. ( Imitates static )

( Imitates static ) Hey there, Bonnie.

Looks like we're gonna be cellmates.

I call top bunk!

( Imitates static )

Guess there was a two-for-one sale on wisenheimers.

You two ladies wanna tamp it down?

( Valley girl accent ) Please don't call my mom.

She will totally freak out.

And if she grounds me, I'm gonna miss prom.

And I think that David and I might actually...

Do it.

( Imitates accent ) Shut up.

You shut up.

The two of you shut up.

You two should take this act on the road.

Oh! But you can't.

Because where I come from, using an innocent little baby to steal a diamond watch is what we like to call a felony.

Where did that come from? We didn't put that in there.

Tell it to your parole officer, sister!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get the proper paperwork.

Oh my God! A felony?

I could lose my internship.

I could get disbarred before I'm even barred.

How could you do this to me?

Oh, you actually think I stole a watch and shoved it into Emma's stroller?

How should I know?! You're a crazy person.

If I do become a lawyer, the first thing I'm gonna do is sue you.

( "Star spangled banner" playing) - ♪ And the home...

♪ ...of the brave!

Both: Whoo! Yeah!

( Grunting )

You think Ben's enjoying his "boring and me" date?

( Scoffs )

( Mockingly ) What do you think is better-- baby oil or baby powder?

( Seriously ) Oh well, I personally like the oil the best because it leaves my skin blemish-free and just all over--

Come on! Somebody hit somebody!

Okay, rule #1: No baby talk in the man cave.

( Monitor static )

Ben: Baby daddy to man cave, baby daddy to man cave. Come in, man cave.

I think we have a situation up here.

I repeat-- we may have a mommy-gone-wild situation up here.

That's good, right?

No, it's not.

Well, it could be.

I don't know.

I guess I could go for a little extra credit.

Ben, what are you doing out there?

I gotta go. Wait-- what's happening with the fight?

Tucker and Danny: Whoa! Whoa! Yeah!

What?!

( Frustrated groan )

( Monitor clicks )

Sorry about that.

Part of the neighborhood watch program.

It was my turn to watch.

This chicken is delicious.

And the-- oh! This wine-- it tastes like...

Freedom.

It is just so good to get out of the house.

Five hours a month is all I have to myself and I am going to squeeze every last second out of every one of them.

Okay well, here's to freedom.

Oh!

And maybe a quick squeeze.

( Chuckles )

Do you have any idea what this means?

Yeah. We're paying retail from now on.

Mrs. Wheeler, you have ruined my life!

Okay, let's calm down.

We can't turn on each other.

That's what they want.

Oh-ho, I'll sing.

I'll tell them everything.

Obviously, Emma just grabbed it.

She's at that stage.

All right, listen-- when walkie-talkie Tommy gets back in here, just use your powers of persuasion and get us out of this.

Well, I have picked up a few legal moves.

I meant use your skinny little butt and shake what weight watchers gave you.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

That is called entrapment.

Or solicitation, or something...

( Mumbles ) Intercoast--

Oh wow, you are good at this.

All right, here.

Fine, I will do it.

Okay.

Huh, yeah, okay.

Ah, okay.

Oh my God, we're so going to prison.

Huh?

What's this?

Shh.

20 bucks and a coffee card with at least five freebies still on it.

I don't drink coffee.

And that's bribery.

Oh! That's what it was.

You know the worst part about Mommy and Me?

The mommies.

"Oh Izzy, what should I do?

Izzy, what's wrong with my baby?"

How the hell should I know? It's a baby.

Well, isn't that kind of your job?

( Monitor static ) - Tucker: Man cave to baby daddy.

What's that?

Oh, it's the baby monitor.

( Scoffs ) Picks up a lot of weird stuff.

Like yesterday, I picked up a telenovela.

I don't know what Ramona was saying to Jorge, but she was pissed.

Danny: Man cave to baby daddy.

I should just put it away.

And I am gonna go freshen up because I still have three and a half hours worth of living to do.

( Door closes ) Come in, man cave.

What's going on?

Tucker and Danny: Whoa!

What? What just happened?

Danny: Oh! And he's down! - Tucker: Oh my God!

Who's down?!

( Monitor clicks )

Izzy, I'll be right back! I just need run next door to borrow...

Something I don't have here.

Hey! What do you say we go out dancing?

Ben?

No no no no, get up.

Come on. Go.

What did I miss?

( Bell rings )

( Cheering )

Truly saved by the bell!

You just missed the most incredible round.

( Groans )

Okay well, remember everything.

I don't know if I can get back down here.

What's with the door?

Don't close it all the way.

It'll lock from the outside.

( Bangs on door )

Welcome to Mantopia.

Dude, I thought we settled on Brotown.

Help! Anyone...

What are we gonna do?

How are we gonna get out of here?

I don't care, but your girly whining is upsetting the level of manhood in here.

I could spend the rest of my life in this room. ( Chuckles )

Uh-oh, cable's out.

Oh my God! We're gonna die in here!

Oh no! They will never find us!

You cannot eat me first.

And according to statute 189-- or perhaps 237-- of the bylaws of this state, you are prohibited from holding us for more than 48 hours.

Oh great, so that's...

46 hours and 20 minutes to go.

And I've got no plans.

Well, color me shocked.

Hey! I have dedicated my life to protecting this mall.

I did not pick this job.

The job picked me.

Look, charge us or let us go.

Either way, I'm gonna need to get my parking validated.

I'll just walkie the cops, hmm?

They'll get your real name, Siegfried.

Wait-- my walkie.

Where is it?

Don't panic.

You had it with you when you ran out to that staff meeting.

Right! The men's room.

You two don't move!

Lock it down, people! I'm off walkie!

I repeat-- I am off walkie!

( Whining ) No no no.

We're locked in.

What are we gonna do?

Bam!

And bam!

Let's go, Siegfried.

I'm springing you.

Yes!

I'm in!

Now go!

Crawl for help, little buddy.

I can't believe what an idiot I am.

I can.

Me too.

I ruined Emma's chances.

I just wanted to do something great for her.

Ben, you do something great for Emma every time you look at her and say, "hi, baby. It's me, Daddy."

You really think so?

I do.

I'm sorry I called you selfish.

It's cool. I ignored you.

What about you, Tuck? Will you forgive me?

I'm not budging.

Why do you have to be so difficult, Tucker?

I just apologized.

Tucker: No.

I'm not moving.

I am stuck.

Get me out of here!

Ben really knows how to show 'em a good time, doesn't he? Shh.

( Mimicking baby crying )

I'm up! Jordan, it's ok!

Mommy's coming.

Oh, give it a rest, super mom.

Hi, Bonnie Wheeler, real mom, and my nondescript sidekick.

I'm sorry. I guess I fell asleep.

What's the dealio with you?

Why are you trying to make the rest of us look bad?

I'm not. I'm just trying to make everything perfect.

How's that working for you?

Look, I've raised two boys, and I'm here to tell you that there is no such thing as perfect.

They might be small, but a baby can take you down.

Getting through the day in one piece-- that, my friend, is job done.

I know. ( Sighs )

I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing.

I try and I try, but all I want to do is take a nap.

Yeah, I know.

A really really long nap.

This kid is sucking the life out of me.

Oh, I feel you, lizzy.

Izzy.

Whatever.

Not that anybody seems to care, but, um, where's Ben?

Tucker: Help! Can anybody hear me?

We're stuck in the laundry room.

I guess one of us should go.

Tucker: Anyone! We're desperate!

And I really need to use the bathroom.

We're saved!

Izzy, it's not how it looks.

Looks like you're hiding out in a laundry room drinking beer while your friend is stuck in a vent.

Hey, Tuck.

Oh hey, girl.

Look, I'm sorry, but clearly Emma and I aren't ready for your class.

I just don't have it together like you do.

She passed out on your couch.

Thanks.

I kinda owe you an apology.

I just wanted a night off with a cool guy.

I didn't know how else to do it.

So the approval process?

Don't really have one.

What a coincidence-- neither do I.

( Laughing )

So maybe we can start over.

I would like that very much.

Chip?

Aw yes. Starving.

Who's winning?

Hey, can I get a beer?

Yeah, here.

Thanks.

Mm, yeah.

Tucker: Still here.

A little help here, please. Okay.

Oh yeah! Oh. ( Chuckles )

Okay. Don't act like y'all can't hear me.

Hey, I made that dip!