02x12 - The Christening

[bunniefuu]

Let's see. Married, dead, gay, prison...

Man, I really gotta update my little black book.

Mom, you don't need a date.

This is Emma's baptism, not happy hour.

(Scoffs) Yeah well, your father's coming from Miami with his boyfriend, and I will not let him see me bitter and single.

I will be bitter and with someone if it kills me!

That's right!

Dad's finally unveiling the boyfriend.

Supposedly Steve is the one.

Who will never compare to you.

Saved it.

Yeah, not really.

Well, I'm pretty sure Emma won't be using Danny's old christening gown.

Oh!

(Ben chuckles)

Oh, the big and tall store didn't have a baby section, so we just went to the curtain barn.

(Laughs) What happened to mine?

Oh, Benji, you were the second child. We just put you in an old t-shirt and ran your head under the hose out back.

(Door opens)

Good news at the mailboxes today, people.

Emma got envelopes stuffed with cash.

And since she can't walk or talk, I say we split it.

Emma got mail?

And how do you know it's full of money?

If you expect me to check the mail every day, please expect me to hold it up to the light.

(Chuckling) Okay.

There's 100 in here!

Cable's back on. Thanks, Emma.

Back off, baby daddy.

That cash is for Emma.

I sent out christening announcements and your lazy relatives sent back sorry-I-can't-make-it cash.

It's a time-honored system.

(All chuckling)

Okay, miss moneybags, what do you say I tell you a naptime story about a young man who needs a loan?

It's too bad you don't talk to aunt Betty anymore.

She always forked over a boatload of cash.

Wait. Aunt Betty?

Mean, crinkly, wipes-your-face-with-her-spit aunt Betty?

That's the one. She gave us each a big fat check when we were born.

(Both mouthing)

Wait.

I had a big fat check?

(Scoffs)

Mom. Where's my big fat check?

Benji, I mean, who can remember?

How about you try?

Uh... oh!

You know what? Now... now it's all coming back to me.

Your dad and I went to Hawaii.

(Chuckles)

Aloha!

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

(Knocks)

Beep beep beep.

Back it up, boys.

The fun truck has arrived and it's about to dump its load of good times!

Well, you are definitely dumping a load of something!

Hey, dad, think fast.

Both: Ho ho ho.

Whoa-ho-ho! Bam!

Whoa! It's so good to see you.

It's been forever.

Oh, you too. Hey, Ben, you're looking good.

Hey, you too. Dad, I think you and I need to have a little chat...

Ooh, Ben, there's plenty of time for that.

Huh? So, Ray, where's the famous boyfriend?

Too intimidated to meet the original model?

No, there was a little complication.

Steve actually asked me to marry him.

I'm engaged!

Well, I could be.

Dad, that's great, right?!

Uh, no no.

I told him I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

You know, so we're taking a little break.

And Steve doesn't like to hear the word "no".

He gets a little cranky when it's not all about him.

Oh my God, are we still talking about you?

Apparently, I have a type.

But enough about me, what's going with you, kiddo?

(Chuckling) Oh, it's funny you should ask.

Today I learned that my mother and father looted my savings and stole my hopes and dreams.

He knows about aunt Betty.

Oh, son. I'm so sorry.

You really needed that operation.

He also knows about Hawaii.

Dad, how could you spend all of my money?

You know what? It actually went pretty quickly.

Oh, yeah. (Blubbers)

(Mocking blubbering)

Ben, I'm sorry.

Look, I wish there was a way that I could make it up to you.

There is! You could invite aunt Betty to Emma's christening.

Both: Oh.

No no.

(Both laughing)

No, that's not gonna happen.

No, she hasn't talked to us in years.

She thought we were lunatics raising hooligans.

Yeah, and she would never approve of us now.

I mean, divorced? Gay?

Hello.

Oh oh! Baby born outta wedlock.

Bonnie: Yeah. (Chuckles)

And those are our good qualities.

You know what I miss? Those mopeds.

He did not know about the mopeds!

Look, Tucker and I are together on this.

There is no way we're taking a quiz to prove who should be Emma's godfather.

I'll take one. Where is it? I love tests.

I really shouldn't have to even ask you this, but do you know why Ben chose me to be Emma's official godmother?

Is this part of the quiz? Are we starting now?

What was the question? I wasn't paying attention.

Ben has entrusted me to handpick the godfather because I'm not only wise, but a great judge of character.

In other words, he was just too much of a wuss to do it himself.

Yeah, that's basically it.

Well, I just wanna say that, you know, besides a quiz being a great idea...

I just think your hair looks lovely today.

Thank you. I know.

But no points for butt kissing, so here is the essay portion of a three-part godfather elimination competition...

"Why Riley should pick me."

You know, I'm not a very good test taker.

We can use more than one of these, right?

Ha ha!

Pour me a beer, son. We got something to celebrate.

What? You found a child you didn't know you had and stole its money too? (Fake chuckle)

No. I convinced aunt Betty to get back into the Wheeler business.

You did?!

Yup.

Really? What happened?

I went to go visit her.

I apologized. I told her the past was in the past.

And she said she's willing to give us another sh*t.

And she's totally cool with everything?

Completely.

Did you tell her you're gay?

Never came up.

What about you and mom getting divorced?

Nope.

What'd you tell her about Emma?

Oh, this is where it really gets good!

I told her that Emma is being raised by an amazing father whose wife tragically d*ed during childbirth. How great is that?!

Dad!

Ben, all we gotta do is pretend to be a perfectly normal all-American family for 24 hours and we are back in!

So you want all of us to lie about who we are and what we believe in so Emma can get a pile of money from an old woman?

Yeah!

Well, I think we know who I take after.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ha ha!

What's the matter with you people?

Are you on something?

(Loud laughter)

Aunt Betty!

Oh, no.

No, aunt Betty, we are just so so happy to see you.

I don't even remember why we lost touch in the first place.

Oh. Well, it all started at the Christmas party when you got drunk and called me the "b" word.

Oh, come here, dear.

I think you have a little something on your face.

Thanks, aunt Betty.

You're welcome.

My goodness, you Wheelers have really pulled your act together.

Well, you know what they say, aunt Betty.

The love of a good woman will put you on the path to happiness.

And there's nothing like the love of a great man.

Right, Ray?

(Emma cries)

Oh, I think I hear our little girl waking up.

Oh yeah.

Oh no, let me go! I just adore babies.

It's the grown-ups that are always so disappointing.

(Forced chuckles)

I can't believe you're single.

(Door closes)

Oh my God!

This is going great, I think she's totally buying it.

Great? She licked me!

Okay, you know what?

I don't think I can go through with this.

Oh, come on! You and dad were married once. Just fake it.

Well, I certainly know how to do that.

I'm gay. Guess who was the one faking it?

Oh!

Come on, for Emma's sake!

Let's do this.

(Door opens)

Danny: Shh!

She is adorable.

I think she looks like me.

Oh yes.

Okay. So, aunt Betty, how about I take you back to the hotel so you can be fresh and rested for tomorrow's christening?

Hotel? (Laughing)

Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't dream of staying in a hotel.

So where are you staying?

Now isn't this cozy?

I'm turning off my hearing aid, in case you two lovebirds wanna get frisky.

Don't even think about it.

I can't remember the last time I spent such an awkward night in bed.

I can.

It's called the last five years of our marriage.

Ray sweetie, can you help me reach the spare towels.

I don't trust the ones on the rack.

Oh, where did I go wrong?

I believe it was when you took a left out of Bonnie town.

I'm coming in, aunt Betty, please cover everything.

(Knock on door)

Oh.

Well, hello.

Bonnie Wheeler.

You new around here?

You want to be new around here?

Uh, Bonnie, you're gonna need all new towels.

Ray?

Steve?

Steve?! The Steve?

Oh well, isn't this great?

After all these years we finally have something in common and it's our taste in men.

(Door rattles)

Steve, what are you doing here?

Obviously seeing something I shouldn't.

(Betty struggling) Ray, will you just... Ray?!

Oh my God, you have two women here?

I really don't know you at all.

Trust me, this is not what it looks like.

It looks like you're half naked in front of an unmade bed.

(Door rattles)

Okay.

Listen, I just don't have time to talk about this right now.

And to think I came here to take you back.

Take me back? You're the one who walked out.

Yeah, and you know what would be great?

If you walked out right now. Come on.

Mom, red alert. Danny just told me that Steve is on his way here. You don't want him catching you and dad in bed together.

And I'm sensing I'm too late.

Way too late.

Steve. Steve, wait.

What's the matter with you people?

Didn't you know I was locked in there?

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.

Were you stuck?

Okay.

So a teenage Emma meets a boy.

Bam, b*at the crap out of him.

Danny, the answer to every question can't be "b*at the crap out of him."

You're supposed to be there for guidance.

So I should teach her to b*at the crap out of him?

Does that sound like moral and spiritual advice to you?

Danny, I think what she's saying is we should tell Emma it's okay to b*at the crap out of him.

Okay, we're getting off track.

So let's try something else.

Pretend I'm a 14-year-old Emma.

Okay, you're cute, a little awkward.

I'm ready.

You come into my room and you find me hysterically crying because my boyfriend...

Oliver just broke up with me.

And you know, I'm under my bed sobbing.

And I'm eating double-stuffed cookies.

I'm scribbling in my diary with my sparkly pen "I love Oliver" over and over again.

What do you do?

Okay, that seems like a lot of unnecessary detail.

He was gorgeous and I loved him.

And, if I recall, I b*at the crap out of him.

Bam, I rest my case.

Hello, Bonnie, are you alone?

Oh, Steve. Finally I turned one back.

I'll assume there's a less-gay man standing behind me.

And no. Okay, look, I just need some answers.

I've been thinking.

And there's just no way anything could have happened between the two of you.

I mean, Ray hates you.

Well, it was the one thing we had in common.

I hated me with him too.

Look, Steve, nothing is going on.

We're just pretending to be an all-American family so we can trick an old woman into giving us money.

We spread my wife's ashes... mom?

And that would be the old lady.

Steve?

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

Oh, this is just my super-needy neighbor Steve.

People are always stopping by. Thanks for stopping by.

I'll make sure he get's home okay...

Down the hall.

Wait, I still don't understand what's going on here.

Ben, break it down to the nice man.

See you in the laundry room, Steve. Bye-bye now.

Okay so, aunt Betty, should we get you changed and all ready for church?

Not before you and I have a conversation. Sit.

Oh God. (Groans)

Something has been bothering me since the minute I stepped in this apartment.

This couch did not look purple in the store.

You and Ray are pretending.

(Sighs) Wow, you are sharper than you look, aunt Betty.

Um, but look. I don't think you really understand what is going on here.

Your marriage is a sham.

Oh, never mind. Nailed it.

Oh, I wish I had said something 25 years ago when you kids first eloped, but no, I didn't.

Wait wait wait. 25 years ago? What are you talking about?

I mean you never got married in a church.

In my book, if you don't get married in a church, it doesn't really count.

Oh, so that's what you're talking about.

Oh no. See that's easy to explain.

See, my water was breaking so we didn't have a ton of time.

And I never got to buy you a wedding present.

Oh oh well, that is just too bad... wait.

W... w... wedding present?

Well, yes.

You know how much I like to write a check.

You know how much I like to cash a check.

Dad, I'm telling you, it's gonna be okay.

I explained what's going on to Steve and he's totally cool with everything.

Really? He took it that well?

No, he's totally pissed.

Turns out you really do have a type.

I just can't wait for this to be over with.

Honestly, the less time I spend with your mother, the better.

Good news, Ray. We're getting married again.

Bonnie, there is no way I'm marrying you again.

Have you lost your mind?

No, Ray, actually I found it.

Right next to a giant check.

I'm finally marrying for money.

Mom, we can't add another crazy scheme to our crazy scheme 'cause that'd just be crazy.

I'm not marrying her. I'm not doing it.

Okay, Ray, you owe me.

I owe you?!

Actually, you both owe me.

Let's try not to forget that, okay?

Ben, these two aren't cutting it.

I need to see your back-up list.

I think we need to outsource this whole godfather business.

We are not the problem.

She's a godmonster.

I'm just saying, if it's one of these two, I'm out.

Which is fine because if she's in, I'm out.

I'm out too.

And I'm out if you think I'm walking down the aisle.

If only you were out before you walked down the aisle!

Please please. Can we keep this all together and try to remember we're doing this for Emma?

Then Emma's father should pick the godfather.

Fine. You're both in.

Both: Yes.

What? After all I went through?

Fine, you're in too.

I was never out.

You were a little close.

And you two are renewing your vows.

If aunt Betty wants to see an "I do," then you're I-doing it.

Okay? Are we all good?

Yes.

Yeah.

All right, people, we've got a baby to christen.

Oh right, Emma.

Oh my God, that'd be bad.

(Both cooing)

Danny: So, Tucker, we can do this, right?

Be mature co-godfathers together?

Just remember one thing: I'm in charge.

Hey, man, this is a brand-new suit.

Well, let me wash it for you.

No, you did not just flick at me again.

Hey hey hey.

This place is sacred. What the hell are you two doing?

Damn! I just said "hell." Crap! I just said "damn."

Never mind.

You two, stop fighting.

Hi, aunt Betty, right?

Who are you, dear?

Well, you probably don't remember me, but I actually met you when I was a little girl.

Oh yes, of course.

You're the chubby little know-it-all who lived across the street.

I'm the godmother you know.

Ben: Okay, so I think we're all good.

Priest, baby, godfathers, godmother, one more-or-less happy couple, and one big-hearted, generous great-aunt.

Let's make some memories, people.

Here, I wrote your vows.

Oh, okay.

(Bonnie mouthing silently)

"My dearest darling Bonnie, you are more beautiful today than the day I met you."

(Laughs)

Uh, "please forgive me for all of the many many mistakes I've made.

I am the luckiest man in the world."

Okay, what does yours say?

"We both know I could do better."

All right, people, let's do this.

(Priest clears throat)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

What is going on?

Steve?

Steve?!

Hey, Steve.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my bad. I invited him.

Yeah yeah. To a christening, not a wedding.

Well, I didn't know about the wedding.

And I thought the christening might bring you two back together.

Bring who back together?

Me and Riley.

She keeps throwing herself at me and trying to replace my late wife, but no one can.

Tucker: And believe me, he has tried many times to replace his late wife.

Again, this is not a good time.

I can't believe you won't marry me, but you'll marry that woman twice.

Great dress by the way.

Thank you.

Can we just talk about this later?

Which would be great because I actually have a funeral in about half an hour.

There's nothing to talk about, Ray.

We're done.

Would somebody please explain to me what's going on here?

Oh, now you want the know-it-all's help.

Okay, everybody, wait.

This is not the example we should be setting for Emma.

We're supposed to be her guides and a moral compass and all we're doing is lying.

Aunt Betty, Emma's mom isn't dead.

She left her on my doormat after a one-night stand.

And mom and dad got divorced two years ago.

And dad's gay now and this is his boyfriend Steve.

And you should make a commitment already. He seems perfect for you.

See? Told you.

Look, aunt Betty, I really don't care what you think of us 'cause I think we're pretty darn perfect the way we are.

And...

And you did all of this...

For Emma?

I taught him that.

Raised him right.

Is there any money for that?

So, aunt Betty, what do you say?

Start over? Accept us as we are?

God no!

You people are a pack of animals.

Ray: So what do you think?

Everyone live up to your expectations?

Pretty much.

And now I totally get why you're a little g*n-shy about the whole wedding thing.

Okay, folks, let's do this.

So I'd like to call on Emma's two amazing godfathers.

Ready to go, dude.

We're on it.

Her one incredible godmother.

That's me.

Her two one-of-a-kind grandparents.

Aww, we love you.

Aww, yes, we do.

We love you.

And hopefully a new step-granddad?

Hey, baby girl.

So we're gathered here to make a promise that we will always watch over her and make sure that she's always loved and happy and protected.

And that she knows that she's never alone in this world.

We may be loud and crazy and anything but a typical, normal American family, but we'll always be there for you.

Danny.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

(All happily whisper)

Oh.

Oh.

Emma.

And just remember whenever you need a moral or spiritual guide...

You just come to me.

No, she would come to me.

What?

(Overlapping arguing)

We're the only solid relationship here.

(Arguing continues)

Oh, we love you, Emma.

Good news, guys.

Our mailbox is, once again, stuffed with envelopes full of cash.

But this time they're all for Ben.

Yay rent.

Mom?

What did you do now?

Well, that christening announcement thing went so well.

I thought I'd give it another go.

Thank you, but I think Emma's had enough.

Oh no no. Not Emma. You.

Congratulations, Ben, you're having a Bar Mitzvah!