"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Joe! Joe, check this out.
You're mentioned on the front page of the wall street journal.
Well, they're all sort of on front page with these things, but...
Looky.
Don't be so surprised, Burke.
I actually had a life before this.
I just didn't show up on your doorstep in a basket.
Well, I'm proud. It's not every day your nanny gets ink in a national publication.
Well, it's not every day that I'm your nanny.
Both: Thank God.
"Joe Longo, former v.P. At scanlon financial," was the executive who plucked Kevin shatkin from his job in the mail room," whatever whatever.
"Shatkin secured $1.7... billion in backing for his new hedge fund."
Rat-faced shatkin? That little sleasel?
That guy... he used to work for me...
He couldn't even get my coffee order right and they just gave him a billion dollars?
1.7.
Ohh!
( Clatters )
Hey, I just figured that thing out.
Sorry.
Oh hey, it still works.
I'll tell you, Burke, they make something in the good old...
Romania and it stays made.
Look, I'm sorry, Joe. I didn't read it.
I just, you know, saw your name and I didn't realize it was gonna...
Be like throwing acid in my eyes?
Look, Joe, you're down, but you're not out.
I'm gonna be back in the financial world.
You mark my words, Burke.
Absolutely. No doubt about it.
So what are we having for dinner?
I was the first person in my business school to make v.P.
And everybody knows that Joe Longo always made his investors money.
Okay, you know what? You just take it easy tonight. We'll order in.
I just can't believe they gave shatkin a billion dollars.
He's out there building his global empire and I'm in here building a metal rack...
To avoid doing the laundry.
Look, Joe, you are fantastic at what you do.
And if there were such a thing, I bet you would be on the front page of "the wall street... Nanny."
Burke, promise me you're never gonna volunteer for a su1c1de hotline.
And here are your notes from fifth period chemistry.
Thanks, Beckett.
What's with the different color paper?
I used the national terror alert system to color-code them by likelihood of being on the final.
Wow, way to use your lethal powers of o.C.D.
You're the first person to even notice my color-coding.
And may I say your eyes are the color of the highest alert for beauty.
So I'll text you by the end of the week and we can set up a date.
A date?
To study.
Oh, yeah sure. That'd be...
That'd be great.
And also if you ever need any help writing papers, I could write them for you.
No thanks.
Appreciate the help with chemistry though.
Anytime. Seriously, anytime.
Bye.
I see what you're doing here, Lennox.
You're using that poor kid to get ahead in school.
Duh.
You really think it's okay that you're taking advantage of that little nerd... Uh, sweet kid?
He got something out of it too...
The joy of being near me.
I see. And he can think back to that beautiful moment the next time that he's tting k*lled by a wizard online?
Okay, I got your email.
What's the big meeting all about?
Miss Burke, take a seat.
Oh no, not another intervention.
I've already gotten rid of so many of my vices.
I don't have anything left except purses and chocolate.
Please don't take away my purses.
That's where I keep my chocolates.
This is a meeting about the future.
Please don't quit.
I'll be better! I'll wash a dish!
I'm not quitting.
Will you take a seat, please?
Okay, look, here is the deal.
For years I've been keeping notes of financial advice and I've finally pulled it all together into an ebook.
And I am starting my own company.
Ooh! Long-co, Longo-co, Longocorp, international House of Longo!
Use any of 'em.
Thank you, thank you.
Anyway, I'm gonna create a website.
I'm gonna make financial videos online that support the sale of my book.
The only problem is that obviously right now I can't get a bank loan.
Oh, you need to borrow money.
Okay.
No no no no!
I don't need to borrow money. This is not a hand-out.
This is an opportunity for you to get involved as an investor on the ground floor of my company.
Got it, got it, got it. So how much do you need?
I'm gonna need $5,000 in start-up capital for web design, hosting and bandwidth...
Okay, $5,000.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Don't you wanna see my powerpoint presentation?
No, Joe, it's okay. I don't need to see anything.
I trust you.
No no no no.
Come here, come here, come here, look look look.
You have to look at my prospectus, okay?
Here.
Let's see.
Yeah.
So... charts, graphs.
See that...? Wait a minute. But that's...
Oh yay! Okay. And I'm writing.
And here is your check.
This is not how it works, okay?
I make a presentation and then you say, "wow, that was really great.
Let me think about it and I'll get back to you."
Okay, let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
Yay!
Is this a pity check? Are you just doing this because you like me?
No, I don't like you.
That's how much I believe in you.
Hey, you know what? Let's shake on it.
Shake? No no no no no. I've drawn up contracts.
I actually have a notary coming over later this afternoon.
Who needs a notary?
It's a friendly transaction between friends.
No no no, this is a business transaction between business partners.
Okay, partner. Deal?
( Sighs ) Deal.
( Squeals ) This is so exciting!
Team Burke-Longo! Okay, longo-Burke.
I don't have an ego about these things, but just Burke-Longo sounds better.
Mel, look, we are not partners-partners.
Okay? We are partner- silent partner.
So shh.
But...
Nah ah ah.
I just said silent partner, okay?
Here, I refer you to my prospectus.
And let me refer you to my check.
Besides, I don't really do silent.
Ask any of my other partners. I make a lot of noise.
Very loud.
That's so gross.
So how are the opening credits coming along, buddy?
It's a little rough, but here, take a look.
All right.
Okay.
( Hip-hop music playing )
Wow, that is very impressive.
I gotta like the price, right? Taking you to see a movie.
No no, not just any movie. We're talking "tron: Legacy" in December...
Opening weekend, midnight show, bottomless nachos.
You drive a hard bargain.
So how quick can your webmaster turn this whole thing around?
Well, Larry's got marching band on Tuesday and allergy sh*ts on Thursday.
But I think he can fit you in live before mid-terms Friday.
I've got a real cr*ck team.
Hey, guys. Just thought I'd drop by the set and see how the sh**t is going.
You know, chat up the cast and crew.
It's going fine.
Great good.
So, Joe, I wanted to run some of my ideas past you before you get started.
You're a little late.
You sh*t the first one without me?
No, we sh*t the first three without you.
But I'm a partner!
I was supposed to be in the loop. I was not looped.
Relax, all right? We didn't really sh**t that much.
We just sh*t a few of the videos so you would have something to come down here and look at and make your comments on.
Mm-hmm mm-hmm. You're just trying to get around me.
No. Right?
That was not his exact plan at all.
Thanks, kid. Ahem.
Come on over here and take a look, partner.
All right, here we go.
( Flatly ) Welcome to "Joe knows."
I am Joe Longo and today's subject: Futures contracts.
What are they? How can you use them?
You may not know, but Joe knows.
...Is an agreement to take or make delivery on a date in the "future."
If you like what you heard, order your copy of "monetizing your future:
Investment tools for the 22nd century."
I'm Joe Longo and this has been...
Very painful.
How long was that?
18 minutes, 22 seconds.
I feel like I just d*ed six times.
Those are way too long. I mean these are webcasts.
They're supposed to be tiny nuggets of wisdom, not big boulders of boredom.
Everything in there is essential information.
Joe, here's how the Internet works: Click... I wanna see the cat play the piano.
Click... I wanna see the dramatic chipmunk. Click...
( British accent ) "Charlie bit my finger!"
( Giggles )
Pardon my truth, but I'm the one with the masters degree here and you have no experience in business.
Okay, you know what? Experience is overrated.
I got into politics with no experience.
Don't get her wrong... She knew all the issues.
Don't get me wrong... I knew all the issues.
You know, I had them down, I mean, but anybody can spout the issues.
I had something the other candidates didn't have.
A daddy in the senator business?
No. Likability.
You post these, nobody's gonna watch 'em.
Look, I appreciate the input. Consider it considered.
But we are going to post these webcasts as they are.
Contact homeland security because there's gonna be a big b*mb.
Oh no, stop. My essay wasn't that good.
Well, you helped me a lot, so thank you.
No, thank you.
( Giggles ) Okay, Beckett. Bye.
Lennox, if that kid is doing something for you, you really should give him something in return.
Wait, let me rephrase that.
That's not what this is about.
Beckett's just a sweet guy.
Really? Because the other day you called him the bastard love child of bill gates and a robot.
Geeks are people too.
Okay, yes, Beckett is geeky and nerdy and everything.
But he's also kind of cute.
Ooh!
You like him!
Oh no.
( Sighs ) It's okay.
"Short selling, or selling short, involves borrowing a security from a broker and selling it with the understanding that it must be bought back "and returned to the broker later."
You see that? I cut out a bunch of stuff. I really think it's singing now.
Yeah, Joe, you may want to take a look at this.
The site's been up for three days and we've only gotten...
17 hits? That's it?
That's pathetic.
Hey, how's the tffic today?
I checked the site 16 times just to see.
Uh...
Let's just say there's no danger of running out of bandwidth.
We got 17 hits.
What?
Those books are not flying off the virtual shelf?
You don't need to gloat, Burke.
That wasn't gloating.
This is gloating: ( Giggles )
Joe, believe me, I want your business to be successful.
I don't need your help. I've been making successful presentations in boardrooms for years.
Yes, as a suit selling to other suits.
But now you have to appeal to a whole different audience.
Come on, let me help you.
I'll be like your media consultant.
I'll give you my input and you can do with it whatever you want.
As long as I take it.
17 hits.
Fine, write down your thoughts and we'll toss them around later.
Let's toss right now.
First of all, you have to be more approachable and casual.
You know, less bankery and suity.
Lose the shiny duds.
This is Hugo boss.
Yeah, it represents "the man," okay?
Change into something more accessible and tight.
So you really think the way to sell my finance book is by wearing a tighter shirt?
It's called branding.
Branding?
That makes sense, because, yeah, I do feel like a piece of meat.
We're creating an image.
Anybody can give financial advice.
But how does Joe Longo give financial advice?
Not half-naked.
All right, look, just try it, okay? A little rehearsal.
Now remember: Personable, likeable, casual.
And go!
( Stilted ) This is "Joe knows" with Joe Longo.
I'm Joe Longo.
Cut! Stop, no.
What? I'm wearing the shirt you want me to wear.
What's next? You want me to lay on a bear rug?
Look, I just want you to be relaxed, okay? Here's a little technique I learned in a public speaking course I took at the learning annex...
Ah ah, were you there auditing or did you stay both weeks and get the full m.B.A.?
Okay, what you wanna do is you wanna associate public speaking with relaxation and comfort.
So when I was doing my election campaign, I used to rehearse in a bubble bath.
So then when I gave the actual speech, I was able to hold on to that feeling.
So the question is what makes you comfortable and relaxed?
Besides that.
Okay, let's see.
I get an endorphin rush when I work out.
Good good. Let's try that.
Pick up one of those muscle-lifty things.
Fine. "Muscle-lifty thing."
All right.
Now give your spiel.
Futures contracts represent an agreement to take or make delivery of a commodity on a particular date in the future...
Are you kidding me?
No no no, it's working.
You're almost watchable, yeah.
Keep... keep talking. Keep pumping.
Commodities can be, say, you know, coffee, cotton, cattle, and of course everybody's favorite... Good old pork bellies.
Hey, I think we got it.
Yeah, I think we found your brand.
You've got this whole hunky, manly thing going on.
I think you should do the webcasts just like this.
Are you serious? While I'm working out?
Yeah. Ooh ooh!
Your angle could be "pump up your profits."
Yeah, you just... You know, you do the thing and grunt a little and you let loose with the blah blah.
Mel, I'm gonna look ridiculous.
You're not gonna look ridiculous flying on your private Learjet made of solid gold from all the books you're gonna sell.
Trust your consultant. Come on.
I got Mel Burke elected to city council.
That's no easy task with this lightweight's background.
All right, and action!
Oh hey, what's up?
This is "Joe knows" with Joe Longo, and that's me.
So today we're gonna be talking about futures, all right?
Futures are really just an agreement to buy some commodity sometime in the future.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Joe, come here and look.
We put up the new webisode two hours ago and we already have 1,000 unique visitors.
We're a hit.
That's fantastic!
Joe Longo is back, baby!
How many book orders have we had?
Um, let's see. Here it is.
None.
Zero?
Well, if you round up.
Yeah, but look at the comments.
"Joe knows what I like." "Hot hot hot!"
"He can shake my money tree anytime."
People are loving it. I don't know.
Looks like your consultant came through for you.
Yeah, but nobody's buying the book, so what the heck is the point?
And look at these comments. What the heck are these?
"I'm interested in high-yield returns, Joe.
Can you take off your pants?"
And this one I can't even say with the kid in the room.
Yeah, that one was pretty funny.
In a way that deeply offends me.
Hey, did you guys see this email? Look at this.
Nick's sporting goods wants to make an advertising deal.
They love your workout. They want to sponsor the site.
Wow. Seriously?
Joe, here's your gold mine.
Focus the Webcast on the workout.
That's what people are responding to. Follow the money.
No! Look, this is not about finance, Mel.
This is not what I set out to do.
I'm sorry, but Columbus didn't set out to discover America, but I'd say that worked out pretty well for everyone involved.
Except for, you know, all the Indians.
Look, I'm not doing this pumping and pimping thing.
No, I am not selling out.
Okay.
Then I guess for the first time in his business life, Joe Longo is gonna post a loss.
Meet me in the garage in 15 minutes, dude.
We're doing ab crunches.
And, uh... and tax tips?
No.
Just freakin' ab crunches.
Looks like you've really got the concepts down, Lennox.
You'll ace the final.
I couldn't have done it without you.
True dat.
So that's about it.
Oh wait, you've got a cookie crumb on your lip.
Yeah, I've gotta go.
But you were gonna tell me about the space program and gravity and how objects are attracted to each other.
Yeah, maybe at school sometime.
Beckett, wait.
I was gonna ask you if you maybe wanted to go out with me Saturday, like on a real date?
Gee, I'm sorry. I've got other plans.
But... but you can't turn me down!
I'm me and you're... you.
Look, people saw you talking to me in the hall after class and I guess they figured if a girl as cute as you would talk to me, well...
Anyhow, Felicia Wallace asked me out and I said sure.
Felicia Wallace?
She's a slut.
That's what they tell me.
I don't understand.
How can this happen?
Oh honey, I'm so sorry.
But look at it this way: You are a very smart attractive and interesting girl, okay?
You're gonna have the opportunity to dump many many guys in your lifetime.
But this might be Beckett's only sh*t at being the dumper.
So I guess I gave him an incredible gift.
You did.
You are a giver.
Awesome, exciting, wonderful news.
We just got our first check from Nick's sporting goods.
Look, it's made out to joeknowsfinance.Com.
Aw! I feel like my little baby just took her first steps.
Why is my website a girl?
It just is.
Here, relish the sweet smell of success.
It's funny because I dripped some relish on it and it smells like...
Hey, Mel, do you mind?
I have to get a leg of lamb in the oven and we need to keep things on schedule in here.
Sorry, of course.
You're making with the capitalism, rockin' the entrepreneurial world, on your way to creating an empire!
All thanks to little old me.
All right, ryder, let's get ready to do this.
Full squat lifts, take one.
Ahem.
Hey, I'm Joe Longo here with the lift of the week.
The squat lift will tone up the greatest number of muscles in the fewest moves.
One important thing to remember is stretch first.
You wanna be gentle with your... groin.
Joe?
Mel. Hey, I was looking for you.
And I was looking for you.
We found each other.
Yeah, listen. I just... I wanted to talk to you about "Joe knows."
Actually...
No please, let me.
Well...
I've been thinking a lot about the Webcast, and the only reason I wanted to lend you...
Sorry, invest the money... Was so that you could start your own business and be happy.
But watching you a little while ago... You weren't happy.
I know. Can I...
No, I'm almost finished.
Joe, I just care about you too much to let you do this.
So just don't worry about the money.
Pay me back when you can.
But please stop doing the body-building webcasts.
I stopped doing the body-building webcasts.
Without telling your partner?
What's this?
Sweet victory.
I made a deal with Nick's sporting goods.
I sold him the "Joe knows" site outright.
I even made a tidy little profit.
Oh, $5,002.
Yes!
Joe Longo always makes his investors money.
Thanks. I can ride the bus now.
Almost.
So no regrets about selling our...
Your... the business?
Nah.
Look, I could have made the fitness thing work, buit's not what I want to do. My heart just wasn't in it.
I am going to be back on top in the financial world. I promise you that.
But hey, it was a pleasure doing business with you, partner.
( Chuckling ) No, it wasn't.
No, it really wasn't.
It was worse than fraternity hazing at ball state.
Yeah, I've had bouts of food poisoning more enjoyable.
We just don't see eye to eye.
Both: We rub each other the wrong way.
That's what I was gonna say!
I was just gonna say that!
Partners!
( Both laugh )
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to the garage and break down the rest of the set.
I have an idea about how to do that.
No no no no. Don't start with the ideas.
I know what I'm doing.
No no no...
I'm the one who put it up. I'm gonna be taking it down.
Okay, everything's set.
And action!
Want your friends to be jealous of the huge pile of money you're sitting on?
Well then, you need Joe Longo's amazingly wonderful book.
Order now and you'll also get a free trip to anywhere in the world...
Paris, London, Egypt, inside the human heart.
Hey, Burke, you gonna help me with any of this stuff or are you just gonna continue to play?
No, I still wanna play.
Joe Longo's book won't only teach you the secrets of finance, it'll teach you how to fly.
Joe: Burke.
Ahh!