"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, I just had the most wonderful day.
Oh, that's nice. I quit.
What?
Good, I got your attention.
No more denial, Burke. Something has to be done about our neighbor's bird.
( Bird squawks )
What bird?
That bird that squawks all day long, yet you don't seem to care.
But it drives me crazy, yet you do nothing about it.
Yeah, it sure would be terrible to have something squawking at you in your house all day.
( Bird squawks )
All day long it is doing that. It's like a buzz saw.
Come on, it's like nails on a chalkboard.
It's like listening to my ex-wife's voice asking me for money.
But what do you care, huh? You're always out at your cocktail parties and your ribbon cuttings.
Whoa whoa whoa, that's exaggerating.
Okay sure, I had one ribbon cutting today and, yeah, there were some cocktails, but there were none of the good tinis.
( Bird squawking ) - Okay, all right, look.
You have to go over there right now and talk to your neighbor about his bird.
No no no no. That's not how we deal with neighbors.
We leave them alone. We stay away.
That's why we have walls and fences and missiles.
You know what? You're right. I will go.
After trading millions of dollars on Wall Street for the last eight years, I can negotiate anything. I will talk to him.
We may be miles apart at the beginning, but I will find us some common ground.
No no, I don't want common ground, okay?
I want my ground. He can have his ground.
You're just gonna pretend that it's not even there?
Yes. My house, my rules.
( Bird squawks )
My eardrums.
I'm gonna go talk to the guy right now. What is his name?
Uh, it's...
Um, Mr. picks-up-his- newspaper-in-his-bathrobe- some-underpants- would-be-nice.
You don't even know the guy's name, do you? Have you even met him?
Yeah sure, I've met him.
I've given him one of these and a couple of these.
And last Christmas I gave him one of these.
( Bird squawking )
Okay look, I'm a very reasonable man, Burke.
So I'll tell you what: I'll give it one more day, all right?
But if I hear another little birdie squawk, I'm gonna saute it in butter and lemon.
( Theme music playing )
♪ It's all good ♪ - ♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪ - ♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Hey, that parrot's been pretty quiet all morning.
You didn't make parrot pancakes, did you?
No, I'm adhering to the insane Burke doctrine of total denial.
Oh. Well, in time you'll come to appreciate it.
And that time is now.
Don't talk to the neighbors.
He could be a very reasonable person.
See, there's your first problem.
You can't think of a neighbor as a person.
Where did you get that?
"Silence of the Lambs."
There's a lot of valuable life lessons in there.
Hey, don't laugh.
Thanks to that movie I never go a day without moisturizing.
Can you do something about this?
He's eating cereal with his mouth open.
It's disgusting.
It's not about the cereal.
( Chuckles ) Never is.
Look, all I did was ask her to be in my video project.
It's a don't-text- and-drive PSA.
And I said no like 75 times.
I even texted it to him while not driving.
Lennox, it's for a good cause. Help your brother out.
No, I am not doing a video with that conceited jockstrap Miller Collins.
I got the varsity football captain to be in my project.
By using me as bait.
Is that what you did, Ryder?
I did not use her as bait.
I merely promised him that she would be it in in order to lure him in.
See? He didn't use you as bait.
He pimped you out.
Lennox, you don't really seem like typical jock girlfriend material to me.
Miller thinks artsy girls are easy.
And they're not, right?
All right, look, it's just a little video.
Here's a chance to use your hotness for good.
Please.
No, I'm not doing it.
You know, Lennox, if I recall, someone in this room has plans to drive you all the way to Fremont this weekend for a party.
I would hate to see something happen to those lovely little arrangements.
What is this, blackmail?
No, it's just a regular thr*at.
Do the kid's movie.
Fine. Fine.
Look at that-- the kids are working together, not a peep out of your bird, my hair's bouncing and behaving.
This day is off to a great start.
( Bird squawks loudly )
I gotta go!
( Crashes )
Son of a-- gah--
Uh, hey.
Hey.
Hi there. Hi there, neighbor.
How are you?
I'm Joe Longo from right there.
Arnie-- right here.
Oh. Well, it's very nice to meet you.
Look, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase, okay, Arnie?
It's about your bird.
Oh, Mr. Jasper.
Okay, Jasper. Sure, yeah.
I'll tell you what-- if you could find a way to keep Jasper quiet, I promise you I won't make an issue out of all this junk.
Oh, okay okay-- uh, Joe, was it?
Mm-hmm.
Look, Joe, let me cut to my chase.
Mr. Jasper is not some dog or some infant that you can just slap a muzzle on.
And secondly, this is not my junk.
It belongs to your lady-friend.
Okay, first of all, she's not my lady-friend, all right?
I just perform certain-- no, I'm sorry.
I provide certain services--
Eh, don't need to know.
Don't wanna know. Nice work if you can get it.
Now look, while we're on the subject, all said junk is a bit unsightly.
So why don't you move it from my property over to your property?
Sure, I can do that. Watch this.
( Laughs ) Ready?
There we go.
Hey.
Now it's on my property.
( Both laugh )
Keep going.
What do you mean "keep going"?
The middle is right here. It's on my side.
No no, this is not the middle, my friend. - Sure, it is.
You know what the middle is, don't you?
It's, you know, halfway between things.
Oh. ( Laughs )
Where would that be on my hand if I took away all the little ones that weren't in the middle?
I know we're not sh**ting this until tomorrow, Miller, but I thought it'd be a good idea for you to be familiar with your lines.
So what's this thing about again?
Texting while driving.
Oh. Everybody does that. What's the big deal?
Well, I'm taking a bold stance against needless death.
That's cool-- two sides to every argument.
So, uh... Did you tell Lennox I'm in your movie?
Oh yeah, she's completely psyched.
Aw jeez, him?
I thought I had another day.
I thought it'd be nice for my cast to meet.
And since we're gonna play a couple, we should get to know each other.
I'm more than just my four varsity letters.
I hope you learn the other 22 before you graduate.
Wow! Wow, you guys have chemistry.
No, I'm in earth science.
Oh my gosh, where did all this crap come from?
Your life.
My Margarita makers!
Hola, my three amigos.
What do you need three of these things for?
This one's for regular, this one's for strawberry and this one is battery-powered in case of a blackout.
Your neighbor's not gonna be too happy about this.
Your stairmaster was on top of his dog's grave.
Whoa, you went over there? What happened to my doctrine of total denial?
I totally denied it.
You broke the rules? The rules of the house?
My house?
Hey, I live here too, remember?
Yeah, of course I remember.
All my stuff was outside because you're in my basement.
You could switch if you'd like.
Arnie doesn't wanna have to look at all your junk.
Why? I have to look at his every time he picks up the paper.
You could tell your pal Arnie that I own half the land out there.
Actually yeah, we got to talking about that and there was a slight disagreement as to the exact location of the property line.
This is what happens when you treat neighbors as human beings, okay?
No good can come of it.
( Knocks )
Oh my God! Okay, see? Look at this.
There's someone knocking and waving.
This is what happens when you open up the floodgates to people who feel free to engage with us.
Okay, that's Roland. He's the land surveyor I hired to get to the bottom of all this.
You hired a surveyor?
Well, technically you did because your name's on the credit card.
But look, he's gonna get to the bottom of this, tell us where the exact property line is so we can put our minds at ease.
Roland, meet Councilwoman Burke.
Hey, I recognize you from your campaign poster.
Oh, good picture, huh?
Eh. I voted for the old white guy.
How about we jump to the part where-- I don't know-- you, like, do your job and show us where the property line is?
Sure.
Let's go outside and take a look.
Not necessary.
Your property line runs right along...
Here.
Wait wait wait. That's impossible, because that would mean that-- oh my God!
What's-his-name owns half my dining room!
Arnie.
Big help there, Joe.
Joe? What I said was very simple!
Don't talk to the neighbor. And what word was unclear?
"Don't," "talk," "neighbor," "idiot"?
Oh wait, I didn't say that. I just implied it.
First of all, Burke, as always I wanna thank you for not overreacting.
And secondly, you and I know where the property line is, but that doesn't mean that Arnie knows where the property line is.
He's a very simple man. His best friend has feathers and a beak.
How can I enjoy eating in my dining room knowing it's his dining room?
Well, there is one option-- prescriptive easement.
If you're openly using your neighbor's land for a specific period of time, you assume ownership.
Ooh, I like that.
Prescriptive easement takes five years.
How long have you lived here?
Uh, four years and 10 1/2-ish months.
Then in sixish weeks it's all good.
See? Look at that. No worries.
Unclench the butt cheeks.
Unless your neighbor contests it.
Then you start tearing down walls.
Notice how my butt has reclenched.
No thanks.
Look, we can b*at this, all right?
All we have to do is act like normal neighbors for the next six weeks.
Exactly, normal neighbors. Okay yeah, we can do that.
Agreed?
Yes, agreed.
I can't believe that we just totally agreed on something.
Yeah, that's kind of weird.
That never happens. Take a picture, okay?
There. Okay.
Here.
All right.
Okay, Miller, here's your backstory...
You're the team quarterback, only one thing on your mind--
Texting your girlfriend.
Got it, coach.
Can we just move this along?
And Lennox, you're a typical ditzy giggly girl--
I don't do ditzy.
That's for sure.
I read your poetry on the school blog.
You read?
I mean... thank you.
She shouldn't be ditzy.
Her character should be just like her--
Smart and, you know, different.
Huh.
Uh, fine fine. Rewrite.
You're actually an intellectual teen poet who's driving to a big poetry party where everybody's rhyming until they pass out.
There you go, kid. Was that so hard?
So you're texting your boyfriend.
And in a moment of cruel irony, the two texting lovers crash headfirst into each other into a ball of flame and they die.
That's so sad-- young love at the very moment of its first bloom?
Crushed, torn asunder like a...
Quarterback's knee.
You know, Miller, you surprise me.
Okay, everyone, eyes on me.
And so we learn not to text and drive.
Why can't we be in the same car?
If she were my girlfriend, I would never wanna be apart from her.
Because if you were in the same car, you wouldn't be texting each other.
And you have to be texting each other because that's what causes the crash!
Here, let me show you.
Okay, this car crashes into this car.
Big ball of flame, the end.
That's the message.
Why do we have to die?
I mean, look, it's okay if I have to die, but she shouldn't.
That would be unbearable.
You know, he's got a point.
I could just break my leg.
And I would visit you every day in the hospital and bring you flowers and write cool stuff on your cast.
Aw, you would?
No no no.
You're changing the entire movie.
It doesn't make any sense. I'll fail visual arts, and nobody fails visual arts. That's why I took it.
So you fail... In the service of art.
Yeah, that "F" will be a badge of honor.
No no, I don't want a badge of freakin' honor. I want an easy "A".
Ugh, what a day.
Where are those damn Margarita makers?
( Mr. Jasper squawking )
Whoa, that bird is really loud.
It sounds like it's right here in my house.
There's a funny thing about that--
Hey, neighbor.
Mel, you remember our neighbor Arnie, right?
Why, what a total surprise!
Yeah well, it's good to finally meet you.
This is Mr. Jasper.
Oh, we-- we haven't met?
I-- I feel like we've met.
No no no.
You give me a little wave every now and then when you see me, but then you talk into your pretend cell phone and-- well, I-- you know, it is great to see you again, Arnie.
Heh heh hey, Christmas came early.
( Mr. Jasper squawking )
So, how did this long-overdue neighbor fest come to be?
Well, your service provider Joe over there invited me in for a beer.
Oh. Well, I couldn't be more delighted if I had known.
That's what normal neighbors do-- you know, just chatting and talking.
Defying.
Oh, what's that?
You got some sauce going on there?
Oh yeah.
Oh, just like my mom used to make back in Jersey.
You're from Jersey too? No way. Where?
Parsippany.
That's the styrofoam peanut capital of the tri-state area.
Get outta here. Secaucus.
No!
Yeah.
Both: Hey!
Boom! ( Laughs )
Look at that-- we found a little common ground, huh?
You know what, Arnie? Why don't you join us for dinner?
What?
What a great idea is what Mel means.
I will. Just gotta go put on my eating pants.
( Mr. Jasper squawks )
Oh hey, listen.
Will you watch Mr. Jasper for me? He loves kisses.
Put a sunflower seed on your tongue and he'll eat it right off.
Or bite you.
How the hell did that man end up in my house?
Look, I was out on the driveway.
He comes up to me. We started talking.
He told me he was out of beer. I said, "come grab one."
That's what normal neighbors do.
No, wrong wrong.
Normal neighbors wave from a distance.
And if you smell something bad for a few weeks, you call 911.
If I didn't talk to him, it would have looked suspicious.
He doesn't know, does he, about the property you-know-what?
You think the bird's gonna rat you out, do you?
Yeah. Yeah, Mugsy, I do.
Hey, Mr. Jasper.
( Squawks )
So how'd the sh**t go?
Lousy. I had to let go of my star.
Whoa, you fired your sister? That's heartless.
No no, I fired Miller.
Oh, who cares?
And now I have to go find another conceded jock to replace him.
I can't believe I have to talk to football players again.
If I'm not back by 6:00, look for me in my locker.
The combination is my birthday.
Oh great, you're back.
And I see you dressed for dinner.
Are you ready for some Jersey cooking, Arnie?
Oh yeah, I've got plenty of room.
But first, have a look at this.
Oh boy.
Snake snake. You see that, right?
Uh, y-yep. Yep, I do.
It's a big big beautiful snake, so be nice.
It's a jungle carpet python.
She's very friendly.
Oh.
Hey, do you guys have any mice?
Because I could just let her loose and she'd take care of that for you.
You know how they eat?
They swallow the animal whole, then regurgitate the bones.
She likes you.
Ooh!
Well yeah, I'm not-- I'm not much of a snake person but, um, well, those-- those beady little eyes sure do melt your heart.
Arnie, you are our guest. Feel free to sit anywhere that you'd like.
Oh well, great. Hey listen, in that case I'll take the chair that's on my property.
( Laughs )
Your-- your property?
Yeah. When me and your live-in studmuffin had our little chit-chat about property lines, I hired a surveyor to see what was going on.
And frankly, I don't know what to do about it.
I thought I'd see how this neighborly thing goes.
Here you go, sweet pea.
( Rustling )
She likes your sauce.
Okay now, don't freak out, but I had to replace Miller.
I'm okay.
He kind of thought you were a tool anyway.
We're going out Saturday.
Uh, who's my new co-star?
Oh, great guy. You're gonna love him.
We're really lucky he was available.
You ready?
Let's get this over with.
Wow. Where'd you get the awesome wig?
From school-- last year's production of "Grease."
And it was in the dumpster. Can you believe that?
It was on top, mostly.
Just so we're clear, this is for your class, right?
So if I see any of this on YouTube, I'm gonna choke you in your sleep.
I accept your terms.
He sat right in there and said he owned half the room and then he stroked the head of his serpent.
Well, I can help with the property dispute.
I'm telling you, this guy is a ticking time b*mb, you know?
Birds, snakes-- who knows what's coming next?
Well, let me take a look at your title real quick.
Whoa, the jacket's pretty slick.
Thank you. I've grown quite fond of it.
I see that you've lawyered up.
Yes.
Yes, I have indeed. We tried it your way, all friendly-like, but now we're doing it Burke style and taking no prisoners.
And making no sense.
You sure you wanna go nuclear with this thing?
Hey, Arnie started it.
Well, technically you started it, but I can't sue you because you've got nothing.
So when are you gonna admit you're wrong?
Look, I am not wrong, okay?
Because there is wrong and then there is not yet right.
And at this point in time, I am just not yet right.
Wow, you should be in politics.
Based on when you took title of the property, we have a reasonable expectation of a positive outcome.
However, if the other party takes a hostile position-- - ( Shouting )
Whoa. Oh, it's him! It's the person. It's the neighbor.
Do you want me to go talk to him?
No no no.
I just want you to sit here, act normal, ignore him. Eat some nuts.
I'm staying out of this. Why don't you go see what he wants?
I don't really care what he wants.
Okay, fine.
I'll go see what he wants. ( Whooshing noises )
So what's going on?
He's got a fire extinguisher.
And he's putting out a fire in your garage.
What?!
Well, it looks like the fire was contained in this...
Stretch of tiny highway.
No loss of life, luckily.
I got here just in the nick of time.
Kind of heroic, seems to me.
Arnie, thank you very much. That was very neighborly of you.
Isn't that right, Mel?
Yes yes, apparently it was.
You know, I'm no arsonist, and I have the acquittal to prove it, but it seems like someone was using a blowtorch here.
Sorry, Aunt Mel.
I guess I got a little carried away with the whole fiery-death-crash thing.
The good news is I got all my sh*ts.
But that's not really good enough news, is it?
You're lucky I was walking by.
I tried to get your attention through the window.
No way. Really? Those double-paned windows must really block out the sound.
( Chuckles ) And the sight.
Look, Arnie, maybe I haven't been the best neighbor over the years.
Possibly the worst.
Anyway, I just wanna say that I am really glad that you live next door.
Oh, thank you.
Wow.
Hey, why don't you two come on over this weekend?
I'm having a little baby shower.
My tarantula's egg sac's about to blow.
Wouldn't miss it. ( Door closes )
All right, you don't have to hit me over the head with it.
No, you're right, I don't have to.
We were lucky.
I'd hate to think what could have happened to our house.
Whoa, wait a minute. Back up.
You just said "our house." I thought this was your house.
No, our house-- you know, me, Lennox and Ryder.
And you know-- I don't know-- some other people like--
Fine, you.
All right. I've got my popcorn. Fire it up.
I give you the director's cut.
( Buttons clicking )
"I'll see you at the big game/poetry slam.
LOL."
"Oh, Brad, I love you as much as I love poetry and spirited debate."
( Car approaching )
OMG!
Is that Brad's car heading straight towards me?
I was too busy texting to notice.
Oh no, is that Sally's car?
Cruel irony.
( Tires screeching )
Ahh!
No!
If only I hadn't been texting while driving.
I guess I learned my lesson.
But too late. Oh.
( Discordant note )
( Lennox screams )
That was pretty graphic.
I know, right?
Those weren't my best takes.
I can assure you they were.
So what did your teacher say about this?
I got an "A".
No way.
Yeah.
Yeah!
Oh, and I also have to meet with the school counselor once a week from now on.
I don't have to pay for that, right?
I love public schools. Hey!