01x05 - You Wreck Me

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Check out these posers.

[Imitates man] "Dude, how much do you love my Greco-Roman sandals and super-groomed sideburns?

I call them my douche-burns."

[Jules imitates man] "Did you see my giant leather man-bracelet?

I got it because my vest with no shirt just needed a little something."

"Hey, let's high-five!

Yay! We did it!"

OK, it's 6:00. I'm heading home.

What? No, wait. You can't quit.

I said the last mean thing.

You always do this! That's why I don't play ugly baby with you anymore.

Now I'm just gonna spiral all day because I'm a horrible person.

Well, that's your insane cross to bear.

Come on, let's go.

[Sighs] I have so much work to do at home.

We have an early showing tomorrow, so pick me up at 8:00.

Not 8:00-ish, not 8:00 adjacent.

And calling me at 8:00 from 20 minutes away, saying, "Come out, I'm here!"

Also doesn't count.

You have a lot of rules.

Hi. I'm really, really sorry.

I'm not comfortable telling you why, but I just needed to put it out there, OK?

And that's a great bracelet, by the way. Bye.

Don't look at me. That was your fault.

I know you like moving those hips, Sheila, so put that torque into your swing, OK? I'll see you next week.

Since you're sleeping with her, does she pay you more?

No.

Oh, don't get down.

She probably bought you lunch or something, right?

Got me a large root beer, baby.

Well, there you go.

Where's Travis?

He's in the clubhouse with the boys.

You know, Shepp, Donnie, Bitch-Slap Harris.

T-Man, your ride's here.

Hey, Mom. Look. Look what Donnie drew. He's a tattoo artist.

He mostly draws snakes doing horrible things to naked chicks.

Aww.

Although this looks consensual.

She doesn't look happy, Travis.

Good to see you, Donnie, Shepp, Carl.

Jules, you know you can call me "Bitch-Slap."

I'm choosing not to.

Travis, I just wanna talk to your dad for a second.

Oh, man.

Uh-oh. She's got the fake smile face.

What fake smile? This isn't a fake smile. I'm just happy.

All right, Cobb, here's the deal.

Normally, they're drunk by now.

Bobby, what are you doing wasting your time in there?

You were a pro golfer! Sort of.

Your lessons are starting to pick up, free root beers are rolling in.

If you just worked hard, you could go from being the guy that works part-time at a public course to head pro at the country club.

This is my kingdom, J-Bird.

I mean, look at this plaque over here.

Oh, God, not the plaque. Can we just once not talk about the plaque?

They put this up when I sh*t the course record.

And we're off.

Robert "Bobby" Cobb.

People see this, Jules, and they respect it.

[Man] Hey, Champ!

Excuse me.

What can I do you for, bud?

Good boy, Champ.

Good boy, Champ.

Such a good Champ!

Oh.

It sucks you're so tired.

Why do you work so hard?

I really wanted to see you tonight.

[Jules] Me too.

So, what are you wearing?

I'm in bed, Josh, so the usual.

I've got on a tiny, pink, see-through nightie.

I'm wearing matching underwear with tiny bows on the side.

One tug makes them fall right off.

I could be there in five minutes.

Oh, sweetie, I'm just too tired.

I'm sorry. Good night.

What happened with the boy toy last night?

I knew I had to work early, so I blew him off.

Which was so dumb, because I stayed up until 1:00 watching this infomercial about cream that makes your breasts firmer.

Don't worry. I got you one too.

Thanks, but I got up early 'cause I thought I was gonna get a sex story.

No.

No more blowing off fun stuff for work. That's insane.

Oh, and I swear, if you don't stop with the hazelnut, I'm gonna start making my own coffee.

No, you won't.

You're right, I won't.

Even saying it was too much work.

Eight o'clock. Where is Laurie?

Well, if I'm guessing, she's passed out under some loser who's naked except for his hat on backwards.

Charming.

Hey, Laurie, it's 8:00. Where are you?

I'm pulling up. Come outside.

OK, I'm outside. You're not here.

I am. You just can't see me.

Give me two minutes.

Hey, paper buddy, do you golf?

Oh, good. We're playing the obvious question game.

I'm great at this.

Do you ever wear white dresses?

Seriously, do you golf with other guys?

Do you ever carry folders right here?

[Horn honks]

Hi.

Don't say hi to me. I'm mad at you.

Look, I think it would be good for my ex-husband to make some new friends.

And I think it would be good for you to, well, have a friend.

[Loud music, muffled]

No, no. No radio.

[Mouths] What am I supposed to do?

I don't care what you do, Laurie!

You're being punished!

[Radio off]

Anyway, you and Bobby should play golf.

Oh, well, I'm currently not looking to get set up on a playdate.

Normally I'd listen to your blah-blah, but right now I have to go show a house.

So here's the deal.

Bobby's a good guy.

You can either play golf with him now or play with him three weeks from now after I've spent all this time just grinding you down by talking and talking and talking.

You'll wonder if I'll ever need to take a breath, but I won't.

I was a swimmer in high school, and I'll just talk and talk and talk...

Fine.

Thank God.

I thought I was gonna pass out.

Now you're making us late.

Are you driving in your panties?

I was air-drying my skirt and it got away from me! You made me rush.

Oh, dear Lord.

Yes! I got it, I got it!

That was awesome!

You don't get to celebrate.

I'm still mad.

All right, I'm over it.

Did you see that?

You rock!

[Both] Whoo!

Of course Laurie was late again.

She's a slaggy, dumb-ass townie.

You are a very angry person.

You chose to be here.

Stop it.

I wanted to see the outfit I got her for her first open house.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God. You look amazing.

Really, I am so proud of you.

Stop, don't make me cry.

So dummy screws up again, and she gets rewarded?

Ellie, I have been so busy working, I'm too tired to even see Josh.

So Laurie's gonna take over some of my workload.

You're the one who said, "Make more time for fun."

Aw, thanks for my promotion, Ellie.

So sweet of you.

All right, do me a favor.

Give us a jump.

[Both] Whoa.

OK. Clearly, the bra's not working.

You're selling real estate. You want a little jiggle for the husband, but you don't want too much for the wife.

I could duct tape these bad boys and there'd still be too much jiggle.

[Gags] Stupid hazelnut.

There you go. Here, problem solved.

You're mean!

I'll get over it.

Here's the kind of bra you're looking for. See?

Pow! Check out the support.

Oh, hey, Trav.

Shirt down, then "Hey, Trav."

Sorry. Hey, Trav.

Too late. Scarred for life.

Oh, calm down.

These used to feed you.

OK, I'm gonna go change.

I feel creepy with my knees covered.

What are you doing?

She's the world's worst assistant.

No, she's not. She just needs someone to believe in her.

She's probably bored answering phones.

She's like those kids in school that get F's because they're just not challenged.

Sometimes kids get F's because they're stupid.

Stop doing that!

Stop talking.

What?

No, no.

There he is!

Grayson, the son of Gray.

You mind if I call you G-Man?

I do. Very much.

Brr! No, I get it.

We hardly know each other.

That's the beautiful thing about golf, G-Man.

You can swing sticks with just about anybody. I golfed with this dude who got out of the hospital for a fractured skull, and he had one of those giant metal halo-looking things screwed to his head, I kid you not.

That thing must have weighed 40 pounds.

He collapsed on the third green.

Hot day, very hot day.

So you and Jules both like to chat.

Oh! Boo-ya!

That thing's not coming down for a while if you wanna go catch a movie or something.

Sweet sh*t, stud. I'll go spot it.

What the hell was that?

Andy doesn't golf.

He just comes out here to cheer me on and beverage me and whatnot.

Just keeps getting better.

Now, staging an open house is all about making it feel comfortable.

Little tip: You can never have too many bowls of wooden fruit.

Why does that work?

Nobody knows. It just does.

OK, we're gonna put this bowl right here.

Jules! Go, have fun with Josh.

I can do this.

Of course you can. Bye, sweetie.

OK.

Not there!

Go!

You look just as amazing as I've imagined...

...every single night.

[Gurgles] Oh, God.

That was so sexy, I made a weird noise.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

What's with the grandma hand-pat?

I'm just not big on PDA.

I feel like you're embarrassed by me or something.

No. Josh, this is my crazy. Uh-uh.

What can I do to make it better?

Kiss me.

Right here in front of God and everyone.

Oh, I'm not gonna kiss in front of God.

What do you think?

Give me a sec.

What do I think?

You think you're a grown woman, and you can kiss whoever you wanna kiss.

I'll tell you what you think, Jules.

Tongue that boy down. He's hot!

That is another very valid point.

Nezzie, get off the sofa. You're getting body glitter on the pillows.

Ignoring that. How's it coming?

I think I'm done.

You know what I do when I think I'm done?

Leave?

No.

I sit there for another hour, and I just soak up the vibe.

Sometimes you come up with a special touch that takes it to the next level.

Vibe-soaking, special touch. Got it.

Come on. Dale's barbecue started over an hour ago.

Don't you wanna go?

Of course I do.

OK, do you remember Chrissy, that skank Dale hooked up with, like, four years ago when we were broken up? She's back from Afghanistan, and I'm gonna kick her ass in front of everyone.

That's why I got my fighting nails on.

Never forget, Nezzie.

You never forget.

[Both grunt]

Let's hit it.

You remind me of the statue of David. He's nude.

Barb, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, kitten, don't you know you should never leave your luggage unattended.

All right, keep it moving. OK, let's both just try to shake that off.

I can't.

All right, the public kiss.

I've been doing some soul-searching, and I am in.

Great.

First, can we talk about the way you kiss?

Say what now?

You opened the door by bringing up the kissing, and, well, honestly, I've been trying to work my way into that conversation for days.

Good.

You are fantastic on the neck.

Seriously, kudos.

However...

All right.

Pretend this is my mouth, OK?

You wanna use less tongue.

You're not a cow at a salt lick.

You know, that's just so sloppy.

No one wants that.

Now, pretend that you're a curious little garden snake.

I got this, I got this.

[Clears throat]

OK, now your tongue peeks in, gets spooked and then it's out.

That's it. OK, now, work that tongue.

No, no, no. No cow.

Little garden snake. Little snake.

Work it. Oh, there you go. OK.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Travis!

My goodness!

This is my friend Josh.

He eats weird.

[Chuckles] He does.

Anyway, just saw you, wanted to say hi.

But now I don't.

Didn't mean to interrupt.

Interrupt what? Travis.

Bye, Mom.

Good luck with that apple, Josh.

[Sighs]

Kaboom!

Oh, Ellie hates it when I hang with Bobby, so do me a solid and don't mention this next time you talk to her.

The only time I ever spoke to your wife, she told me she'd, and I quote, "pay someone to do me prison style" if I didn't bring my trash cans in.

So we're cool.

I am.

You're married to a scary person.

Oh, oh, oh!

Something's hinky with your swing.

What are you doing?

Making magic. Trust me.

Man, you smell nice. I'm kidding.

All right, use that stance.

Whoo!

Wow! Thanks, man.

You gonna go spot my sh*t?

I'm not your bitch.

And regrouped. OK, let's do this.

Seriously?

Just close your eyes.

All right, just a little snake.

Just a little snake.

[Cell phone rings]

I went to a party, and I got a bloody nose.

What? How?

I underestimated the fighting skills of one of our nation's finest soldiers.

But I picked myself up, and I went back to the house, you know, just to special-touch it?

Jules, I did not know that their son would be here.

Someone really needs to tell that kid not to sneak up behind people.

How bad is it?

It's not good.

I am so sorry. I got you a treat.

Do you think a pastry is gonna make up for ruining my one day off with Josh?

Because it's not.

Is that a cranberry scone?

I'm fishing that out only because there is nothing else in the trash can except for gum, and that was mine.

Jules, I can explain.

You b*at their son's face in with a wooden banana!

I thought he was an intruder!

And I already used all my pepper spray on my neighbor's stupid cat!

Why are you freaking out?

This was an accident.

Look, I did a great job staging that house.

I just went back to add the flowers because...

That's the difference between you and I.

I would never have left unless the job was finished.

That is so unfair.

What are you doing?

I bought an ugly, no-jiggle bra and you didn't even notice.

I was gonna take it off and throw it at you but it has, like, 20 hooks, so just forget it!

So now you're mad at me?

That's what's happening.

Did I miss it? She looked devastated.

Tell me everything.

Need one!

That's pretty great service.

Thanks.

Hey, you do really smell nice.

Yeah? New cologne.

I wasn't sure.

No, it's good. It's musky.

Now go sink this.

No! No, no, no, no. If he sinks this, he's gonna break your course record.

Really?

Noonan! Mm-baa!

Distraction!

Really?

No more. All right.

Go on, G-Man, drain it.

No!

Yes!

Nice round.

Thank you.

[Jules] What the hell were you thinking?

Do you know how much his self-esteem is tied to that stupid record?

Relax, banana pants. He was just fine.

What are you looking at?

OK, thanks to dummy here, we have a family crisis.

Bobby's best quality is that he's always upbeat. Mr. Sunshine.

But let's all remember those rare times when he was depressed.

Like that time he tried to karate-chop a coconut and couldn't play golf for three months?

Exactly. I mean, I think we've all had those late night heart-to-hearts with a drunk, crying man in his underwear. That's not fun.

That train's coming back, people.

So I put out some food, but this thing snuck up on me so all I had is some old carrots, some whole wheat waffles and a brick of pepper jack.

I'll split a waffle with someone.

Yes, please.

Are you sure this thing's in range?

Stan sounds like an old Italian woman.

[Stan cooing on monitor]

So is this what you people do?

Bottom feed out of the fridge and talk about me b*ating a grown man in golf?

You and Bobby played golf today?

Stop it.

I'll hit that cheese if no one's going there.

Who's that guy?

He's just a very nice, new, special friend.

My mom's dating him, but it's easier for her to act like I don't know.

Then do that, Travis.

All right, back to Bobby.

How can we fix this?

I could take him to Vegas.

You're done. Go check on Stan.

Can't this guy just say he cheated?

Great idea, new dad.

Dude!

Dude.

Fantastic. Wow, but I gotta go to work.

Adiós, crazy people.

I'm taking a waffle.

Waffles are for helpers!

Dude, gotta go.

Good times, Mom.

I probably should get going.

You are coming with me.

Come on.

All right, we're going right back to where we left off.

Public-style kissing will happen today.

I've just got one thing to do.

Jules, I'm sad.

OK, two things to do.

You broke him, you fix him.

Come on, Josh. Try to keep up.

Jules said you'd make me some soup.

Soup?

Soup!

Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Wow, you flopped down on that chair and you barely had any jiggle at all.

It's because I can't get this stupid bra off.

Apparently, you have to wear it forever.

Do you wanna know why I lost my kinkies at you about that open house?

Yeah, so you could spend more time with him.

No, stay out there.

Yes, I do want to take more time for myself.

Now, I have earned that.

But... All right, I'm gonna get a little corny and brace yourself.

[Exhales]

Ready.

You remind me of me when I was younger.

[Scoffs]

You do. You have all this potential, and you don't realize you could do anything with your life.

I just want you to want more for yourself.

[Laurie] I do!

I went to a party with a professional-grade margarita machine, and I left because I cared about doing a good job! That's a first!

Oh, come here.

Ow! Wow! That is a sharp, pointy bra.

I know! They're like freaking traffic cones!

Come here.

Pretty good soup.

I just microwaved Bloody Mary mix.

Still tasty.

Yeah.

You know what, man? I don't...

I don't generally like...

...well... people.

But I had a good time golfing with you today.

Thanks, brother. Seriously.

So you live on a boat in a parking lot?

Yes, indeedy.

What, did you lose a bet?

Uh, I won a bet.

Yeah.

I know you had an appointment with Ms. Cobb, but she's indisposed, so I'll be taking care of you.

I love you, Jules!

I believe in you, Laurie!

I don't completely, but they're not huge clients so it's no biggie.

And to prove that I'm not embarrassed by you, I've brought along a very good friend.

Best friend. I'm your best friend.

I'm her best friend.

Oh, please. I'm her best friend.

Laurie, get back to the Jacobsons!

They're only buying a condo.

OK. Are you ready?

Yes.

OK. Judge away.

Thank you.

Anytime.

He kisses with a perfect seal around your mouth like he's trying to suck your brains out.

But he's gotten so much better.

That's better?

I'm gonna go get us some more drinks.

Oh, hey, sweetie, see if they've got an apple.

Sweetie, two apples.

We're never gonna tell anybody about this, right?

Never.

Man up. Let's go.

Ooh! Hot damn, man! Cosmos are good!

They're divine.

Hey, sorry about your record.

It was probably for the best.

I'm 40. It's about time I find something new to hang my hat on.

It may not be this week or even this year, but mark my words, I will find it.

You go, girl.

It might be darts.

I'm pretty good at darts.

Look at that guy pick himself up.

That's a hero.

A golden hero.

You are one weird cat.

Oh.