01x17 - Counting on You

[bunniefuu]

Jules, I have been chosen by the group to talk to you.

You look insane. It's time to take that thing off.

(chuckles)

I am never taking this off, and before you judge me, touch it. Hmm?

I dare you.

I dare all of you.

All: ooh.

You're saying that deep down every guy is a little bit gay?

It's science. To prove it, you just have to set a gay trap.

A what? Hey, andy, what's the name of that bette midler song

That she sings in "beaches"?

"wind beneath my wings."

A gay trap.

You're a little gay.

(laughs)

(laughs)

But I know how to turn it off when it counts, right, babe?

Sometimes. Sometimes in bed he calls me "champ." one of my best guy friends, neil goldman, Taught me about gay aps in high school.

I always had a lot of guy friends. No, you always had a lot of guys hanging around, Hoping they'd eventually get a chance to nail you.

Guys aren't really friends with girls.

That is such a cliché.

Right, because clichés about men and women aren't based in truth.

Great point, champ!

That was a bad moment for me.

Well, I have tons of guy friends. See?

Have you slept with any of them? Yeah, I've slept with all of them, but only as friends.

Jules, tiny eyes is right.

I have tiny eyes?

When andy and I first met, We were in the same circle of friends, but basically It was just a doink chain that I worked my way around. And guess who she got to last? Ow.

I don't have tiny eyes.

You do, brother.

You're like a ferret.

(sighs)

Did you guys join a cult?

Feel it.

You're all wrong.

Last night on the news, There was a bear and kitten, and they were best friends.

If they can do it, so can men and women. Mm-hmm. How'd that story end?

The bear k*lled the kitten...

After getting too frisky with it. All right. Ohh.

Cool t-shirt.

That's almost purple.

What color do you call that?

Fuchsia. Gay trap! You're a little gay. (chuckles)

So uncool to gay trap your own son.

Aw, it's just a game.

Come on.

It's like that one where you act out movie titles... Charades?

Double gay trap! (laughs)

I'm not a huge fan of this game, but it is better than hand fart.

Is it?

(chokes) good... God.

So my buddy carl bailed on our fishing trip to georgia.

Do you wanna come?

Why don't you take andy?

Naw, andy can't go.

You know, he's busy With work and the baby and whnot, so...

Hey, he never answered me.

He answered without answering.

Well, that's just confusing.

I'll go fishing with you.

(laughs) oh, I don't know, trav.

You know, we'll be sleeping outside And brushing our teeth with pinecones.

It's kind of a man trip. Well, I am insulted, but we'll get back to that.

Why can't you just bring a toothbrush? Same reason why I'm not bringing my cholesterol medicine.

(chuckles) I'm on vacation.

Morning, intruders.

Mm.

Where's ellie?

She's still in bed.

She took one of her sleeping pills last night, But she hates losing ntrol, so she always fights it.

For god sake, just go to sleep.

You go to sleep.

I'm not tired.

Sometimes she gets horny, and we hit it...

But it feels wrong, 'cause she never remembers it.

(sighs loudly)

All right. What's up?

Not being able to go fishing with bobby made me realize That I'm always either at work or with the family.

I never have anyime for just me. You should probably tweet about your feelings.

Seriously, look at my face.

You see how I can't hide w bored I am by your problems? Totally.

Yeah, okay, well, when you tweet it, It goes out into the universe to all these celess people, and you can pretend that they'r. Well, that's deep. You should tweet that.

(keys click) "way ahead of you, I told him."

You just need to sha things up a bit.

You know, when I get into a rut, I whip out my naughty underwear.

It makes me feel sexy...

Until about 4:00, When I realize no one's ever gonna see it. The only time I have for just me is my drive to and from work.

How am I supposed to shake that up?

Oh, god! This is so good!

Ohh! (laughs) ohh!

So that's andy's orgasm face? Hmm.

(chuckles) I convinced andy to buy laurie's old motorcycle.

Oh, and I almost forgot, you're a jerk.

What, are you still mad About the whole guys and girls befriends thing? Well, it's like saying that we aren't even real friends.

I just meant that...

Men and women can't be friends without a sexual undercurrent.

Look, we find each other attractive.

We're flirty.

That's our dynamic.

(laughs) we are so not.

But we would never act on it, Because we both know it would end in disaster, So we became "friends No, we became "friends," because-

No, wait. I don't want to use the air quotes.

We became "friends"...

Oh, forget it.

Hey, jules. Do you want me to water your flowers?

Oh, hey, tom. (chuckles) see? Nice friend.

Oh, yeah. He definitely wants to water your flowers.

(laughs) no, and gross!

Are the flowers my face?

Ha ha! That was amazing!

You think you're ready to go solo? Wait one second.

(rock music playing)

Did you guys imagine me in slo-mo like I asked? (jules and laurie) we did.

Let's do this!

Did you guys imagine me in slo-mo like I asked? (ju(engine revving, thud).

I'll buy it!

Hey, dad, you know I don't have a fishing pole.

You've got an extra one, right?

Poles? (laughs) we don't need poles.

We're noodling, baby.

Hmm. Do I want to know what that means?

Odling is a special kind of redneck fishing, my friend.

See, you go into a muddy lake, and you find a big hole Where a catfish is protecting its eggs, and you catch it by getting it to eat the noodle.

So what'the noodle?

Your arm's the noodle.

Holy gods! What-

(laughs)

(imitating motorcycle revving)

(door opens and closes)

Somebody left a motorcycle in our driveway.

Go drive over it, and then find out who it belongs to.

It's my new hog.

I bought it from laurie.

How could you do that without asking me?

I- I asked you last night.

Can I get a motorcycle?

I like turtles.

You look good. Get naked.

Fine.

That doesn't count.

Whose stupid idea was it to buy a motorcycle?

(imitates bird calling)

Okay, that's the ellie alarm.

Come on, guys. Quick!

Travis, go lock the back door.

Bobby, get the front.

This is not a drill!

Do it like we practiced. (sighs) aah! (horror film theme plays)

What? I thought it was funnier with the Kn*fe. (exhales deeply)

So who gave you permission to give andy permission To buy a motorcycle? I'm sorry. It's just that he was wearing his blumfy, and he looked so sad.

I'll only ride it to work.

Only to work, ellie. And I'll walk it through all the intersections, 'cause I'm not great at turning yet. Do you know what doctors call people who drive motorcycles?

Modern day cowboys?

Sexy rebels?

Popular? Organ donors.

It's not happening.

Jules, I'm about to behave childishly.

I'd appreciate it if you'd turn around. No problem.

(whines)

Ah, prepare to be proven wrong.

Sounds fun. About what?

(cell phone beeping)

We're searching through jules's old guy friends, Trying to find one who didn't want to sleep with her. Oh, hi, gil. This is-

Yeah, jules. (laughs)

Wow, I can't believe you recognized my voice.

I haven't talked to you since junior high.

Oh, you've been following me. Sweet.

How? Like, in the paper or online?

Oh, just regular following.

Well, bye, gil.

(chuckles) what a kook, huh?

No gloating.

Status report, laurie?

Uh...

Your friend bob-

You know, the one in the wheelchair? Oh, wheelchair bob, yeah He just e-mailed us back.

(types)

He says, "remember beer hockey. L.O.L."

(laughs) he's such a goof.

(laughs) he sounds like such a goof.

He also said that you should call him, Because he's regained feeling down there. Oh, sh**t!

(chuckles) I mean, good news for bob, but... sh**t!

(insects buzzing, duck quacking in distance)

How great is this?

So great.

Let's noodle.

So first things first we gotta find a good hole. Define "good hole."

Define "good hole" in regards to noodling.

It's a hole with a catfish in it.

Alls you gotta do is just shove your arm down in there.

Is there any skill in this?

I got nothin'.

Well, is catfish at least delicious?

Tastes like butt.

Dad, I'm trying, but why would anyone do this?

(lowers voice) because...

(normal voice) this is why, baby!

Aah! k*ll it, k*ll it, k*ll it!

Whoo-hoo! (laughs) ohh. This is a big one.

God, no! God, no! (lowers voice) bkill it!.

Why do you have to make every decision for me? Because you don't think!

Oh, I don't think?

No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, when did this turn into a real fight?

How far into it are we? Being married to you is exhausting!

All right, that's about the midway point.

I say we all just... Calm down.

Jules, I know you get scared When people you care about fight. It makes me lose my breath.

I know, sweetie, but don't try to derail this argument And put the focus on you. Now you're telling her what to do.

Andy, so help me god, If you open that churro hole of yours one more time I had sex in your house.

Right over there. So? We conceived stan on your kitchen island.

I think it's time for you to go.

I just want you guys to be fine...

Or at least closer to fine.

Isn't that a song? Who-who sang that the indigo girls.

Lady gay trap!

You're lady gay. (chuckles)

It's probably not the time.

Don't try to make her smile.

I've spent my entire life trying to make her happy, But she never tries for me!

Sometimes I don't even know why I rried you. Right back at you!

That's too far. Everyone's going too far. I'm outta here.

Good. Go! (gasping) I can't I can't breathe.

Hey, andy, you still haven't paid me for the bike, and I have a strict "you breait, you buy it" policy On everything, and, honey, I mean everything.

See these? Fake.

(taps)

Yeah, my ex-boyfriend entered me in a foxy boxing competition, and the bitch who knocked these out paid the ultimate price.

She d*ed in her sleep.

I think it was karma.

You know, or maybe it was just her time.

(starts engine)

Point taken.

Time to go taste some freedom.

(engine revving)

(thud)

Oh!

Yeah, bike's okay.

My whole right side kept it from hitting the ground.

(mouths word, laughs)

(engine revving)

You okay? I'd give you a shoulder to cry on-

You know, if I had one.

(pouring liquid) have you ever had one of those days Where just everything goes wrong? My nana d*ed last Thursday.

I didn't make it to the hospital before she passed, Because I ran over my own dog.

(door opens) (door closes)

You had to top me, Tom.

Tom, what are you doing here?

He's being a great friend- a great guy friend.

Come on.

Friend shake, tom.

(slaps, smacks)

(smacks)

(mouths word)

(snaps)

Friends.

That seems like something you could reproduce again and again.

I'm gonna go check on ellie.

Poor girl.

She's having a rough time.

Ginger tea?

(door opens)

(door closes)

(chuckles) I tell you...

No, I-I know what you're doing, tom.

I'm not sure what's going on.

Jules is in a d way, so...

(southern accent) here comes good old tommy With his magic ginger tea.

(chuckles)

(normal voice) you pull any crap with her, and you'll answer to me.

Now you can lock your doors, But I live right next to you, tom.

I'll just jump on your roof And come right down your damn chimney, But I won't be bringing any presents. Unh-unh.

Not unless you asked santa for the heel of my boot.

Uh... I'm feeling really uncomfortable.

(whispers) good.

(slaps arm)

Okay, trav, you're up.

There's a hole right beneath me.

You're sure I'm only gonna find catfish in there?

Absolutely.

Or a snake.

Or a baby gator.

(laughs) or a regular gator.

Just do it.

There's nothing to be afraid of, all right? Look.

Oh!

Dad!

Dad? Dad! Aah!

Gator bite!

What the hell?! (laughs) classic noodling prank.

That's it.

I'm not doing this.

Come on. I'm just trying to make us a memory. Well, I'll mention it at your eulogy.

Is this whole thing my fault?

Absolutely. That's why I ordered the expensive wine.

Mmm. Well, that's confusing, Because this punishment is delicious.

I know it seems like I'm making a big deal about a motorcycle, But they're so dangerous, and if anything bad ever happened to andy, I don't know what I would do.

I love him so much.

Well, why didn't you just say that?

Because you don't reward your husbands When they do something idiotic. What are you, new?

Well, if I caused this rift, then I'm gonna fix it.

There's nothing to fix.

We've been through fights like this a thousand times.

It's no big deal. Ah, see? It's andy. (cell phone rings, beep)

Hey, stan's baby dance recital is this afternoon.

Don't be late. I'm gonna stay on bobby's boat for a few days.

Oh.

Okay.

Bye.

(beep)

(beep)

Well, that's new.

Mmm.

I'm sorry.

It's just so good.

Ellie: it is not okay for him to just bail And go sleep somewhere else without trying to talk it out. I know.

If andy does not go to stan's recital, I swear, I'm gonna change the locks.

This is just between us, okay? I won't tell a soul. You all heard that, So technically I'm not telling you anything.

I mean, what is andy doing?

This is why I usually don't meddle in people's lives.

Actually not the time to call me on it.

I remember when my dad walked out on my mom For the first time, and she was crushed.

And then a month later, when she realized That he had taken me and my sister with him, It got even worse...

But then she found us in cabo,

And it turned out to be the best family vacation ever, Until we decided to go horseback riding. Okay.

So this one horse was pregnant, and we didn't know it, and its there has to be a stopping point.

I've never seen ellie like this. Really?

Because I've only seen her like this.

You know, if they don't get a handle on this fight, Then it's- it's gonna be trouble.

All right, who wants to come with me to get andy? I'll go.

No, tom. I'll go.

Was he pointing to his eyes?

I- I couldn't tell.

(door closes)

They're really tiny.

Who are you?

Ahh. Yeah.

Sure wish you would've caut one.

Then you might have sothing to eat.

You're not gonna share 40 pounds of catfish?

So I didn't noodle.

(sighs) why are you being so pissy about this?

You're acting like that conservative blonde girl Who always gets in fights on "the view."

Elisabeth hasselbeck?

(singsong voice) gay trap!

(normal voice)

I'm taking a walk.

It's not fair!

They g*ng up on her.

(scoffs)

Ugh. Butt.

I'm a man, jules. She treats me like a child! Just come down and talk.

Fine.

Aw, dude! It's not a surgical gown. Hey, hey.

You gotta put clothes underneath there.

Aw, fine.

I'll put on boxers.

And I need you to go to stan's baby dance recital.

No! I will not do it. No, no, no, no! Well, if you won't go as a parent, You can go as a contestant. Do you know why she doesn't want you to have a motorcycle?

Because she cares about you so much, She doesn't want anything to happen to you.

Come on.

Let's go to the recital.

It already started, like, two minutes ago.

You'll never make it. Traffic was bumper-to-bumper.

(sighs) okay, quick, grab bobby's baseball helmet.

Why?

(engine revving)

Too fast! Too fast!

This is how you turn right without braking. Hold on!

(tires screeching)

No!

Aah! Aah! Wow.

I almost fell off.

Be quiet!

(laughs)

(screaming)

(tires screech) oh, god.

Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god!

(brakes squeal)

I can't believe we missed it.

If you hadn't jumped off the back at that stoplight I was scared for my life, jules!

You're not safe. I'm taking a cab back to bobby's.

Oh, andy. Come on!

Hey, jules. Mm.

Feels good to have a lot of power between your legs, Doesn't it?

Motorcycles are fun, too.

Do you just follow me around waiting to say things?

Didn't make it, huh?

Come here.

Wow. You weren't kidding about these narrow shoulders.

You must've sh*t out of your mom like a b*llet.

Tom? Wh-what are you doing with your hand?

This one?

Nope. The other one.

Is that a problem?

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

(knocks on door)

I just wanted toome in and check on you. How you doing?

Jules sentou.

Bingo-bango.

Jules, get your tiny round ass in here.

Hey, thanks for the "round ass,"

'cause I've been doing lunges.

(laughs)

I'm so sorry I broke you and andy.

Whatevs. Do you have any red wine? I'm out of red wine.

Yeah, like 2,000 bottles.

Wha-can we be real?

I need you and andy to work.

You're the only couple That makes me still believe in marriage, you know?

Ohh. So lame.

I know, right?

Hey, I found some red.

Wait. You two made up?

Not yet, but we will.

Dummy.

Witch. Anybody want wine?

Always. What's happening?

I don't know, but I never know.

Jules is wigged-out by our fight, 'cause she doesn't know what it's like To be in a good, healthy marriage. Oh, yes, I do.

(whispers) no, you don't.

I really don't.

Ãwhat's she gonna do?

Throw away our lives Because I pretended to leave home for a night And skipped a baby dance recital?

Stan's 1.

I bet he didn't even move.

He peed himself and then fell asleep.

(wine pours) jules, when a marriage really works, The tiny bumps in the road don't matter.

You don't have to be scared, 'cause there's never any real jeopardy.

We have a built-in safety net, 'cause we love each other so much.

I'm gonna cry.

I'm not, Because my eyes are so tiny.

I'm owning it.

(whiskeytown) ♪ don't wanna know why you like me ♪
♪ I don't care ♪

Skipping rocks?

What's your record?

Four.

It would've been more, but I hit a duck.

I should feel bad, but I don't. I hate ducks.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, our mutual duck hatred Isn't gonna make everything better. Okay, dad? (water splashes)

I know.

Plus I love ducks.

(laughs)

Seriously, they make me laugh every time they quack.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Hey, look, trav, I don't care about noodling.

Remember how I didn't think of you for this trip, Because I said it was a man's trip?

Are you kidding?

I cherish that moment.

(laughs) look, when you were just a young pup, If I, uh, took you into a lake And I asked you to stick your arm down a giant hole, You just would've done it.

Now you're 18. You said no, and you bitched about it.

But, travis, you bitched like a man.

(both laugh)

Well, this may be sappy, But, uh, I don't know if I'm quite ready yet For you to be a grown-up.

I'm sorry if I acted like elisabeth hasselbeck.

It's all right.

You can do the arm thing now, If you want.

♪

(ducks quacking)

(laughs) those guys!

♪ don't wanna know how you're feeling ♪

(footsteps overhead)

♪ I don't care ♪
♪ don't want to know when you'll meet me ♪
♪ I'm not there ♪

Where were you?

Nowhere. He looks happy.

(engine revving)

Whee-hee-hee-hee!

He gets to ride ten minutes a day with supervision. Mm.

(laughs) yeah.

(engine turns off)

Did I look like I was going fast? So fast. But your time's up.

Oh, come on.

Fine. Just one more minute, But I get to take picturesf you.

Okay.

Okay.

(revs engine)

(camera shutter clicks)

You know, I spent so much time Trying to separate romance and friendship.

I guess if you're lucky, you get both.

Yeah.

I want that someday, you know?

Me, too.

But not now.

No. (laughs) not now. Later.

(engine revving)

(thud)

You know, jules, Even if there wasn't a sexual... Undercurrent, I'd still be your friend.

Ohh.

It's not up to you.

Trav!

You here?

Trav!

(quack)

(laughs)

(water splashes)

Hey, trav, where are you, buddy?

(grunting and panting)

(voice breaks)

I've never been more proud.

Hell, yeah.

Whoo!

Now can you get it off me?

The big one ate a smaller one that's also on my arm. Uhh!

(grunts) that's my boy.