02x06 - You Don't Know How It Feels

[bunniefuu]

I hate Halloween. You know the best part about being a grown up?

This?

OK.

The second best part is that I get to buy my own damn candy.

Yeah.

But my dad loves Halloween, so I have to decorate. Check it out.

Wow, it's like you on a Saturday night.

True that.

Y'all love it, right?

"Y'all"?

Oh, when Jules' dad comes to visit, she starts talking all folksy.

Ellie Torres, I'm fixin' to get so mad at you.

Really? Are you fixin'?

Damn it. Laurie, I want you to throw something at me...

Done.

Let me finish.

I want you to throw something at me when I start talking like that.

Got it.

[Southern accent]

So when does redneck Dad show up?

My dad is not a redneck.

We're just from the South.

He is named after a farm animal.

[Grayson] Don't tell me.

Um... A donkey? No, chicken? Goat!

You think my dad's name is Goat?

I'm sorry.

It's Chick.

I take my apology back.

Be nice.

His visits are always a disaster.

But not this time.

I've got his favorite beer, Trav's coming home, I'm fixin' to make this... [grunts]

Thank you, Laurie. I'm going to make this the best visit ever.

[Door closing]

So no pressure.

Excuse me, I'm looking for the most beautiful girl in the world.

Oh!

It's not you.

My goodness, did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

I used to use that line to get laid. [chuckles]

How're you doing, sir?

Ah! That is a mess of paperwork.

This is Stan's pre-school application.

You have to apply? I thought you show up on the first day, like college.

It's crazy competitive.

As Stan's legal guardian, I'd like to have a say on where he matriculates.

Well, when we named you and Jules Stan's guardians, we meant married Bobby and Jules.

Which, let's face it, meant Jules.

When you guys split up, we relieved you of your duties.

So I lost your kid in my divorce?

If it was up to me, when Ellie dies, you and I would raise Stan.

Come on, E-Train. I'm responsible enough to be Stan's guardian.

How many shoes do you think you're wearing?

[Chuckles] I'll be damned.

Where'd leftie go?

You know what, I think I'm just gonna wait until dinner.

I have no response to that.

[All] Oh! Penny can!

[Greyson] That's right, baby. Good one.

[Mimics dinging noise]

That's my cue, since I was four.

I used to have to hold the can with both hands.

Aw! So cute.

Memories.

I know who all these other folks are, but who are you again?

Grayson. I'm kind of dating your daughter.

Kind of? We're sleeping together.

Thank you.

Glad to help.

Jules told me that you love Halloween.

And I'm having a costume party at my pub tomorrow night, so...

God, help me, I love costumes.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Robert, you remember when we went as Hall and Oates?

I became Hall. Or was it Oates?

I don't know, but I had a beautiful moustache.

I don't know what to be for my costume.

Last year I was Octomom, but carrying around all those baby dolls all night got super annoying.

I just tossed them in a dumpster eventually.

Which got caught on a grainy security camera. Long story short: Evening news, police raid at my house, huge mess.

[Iow chuckles]

I hate dressing up.

Not for nothin', but I'm not doin' it, y'all.

You sound just like your mom.

She hated costumes.

Hey, I don't want to wait till tomorrow to see Travis.

I'm gonna go pick him up now.

I need me a desi.

Who hasn't been drinking?

I knew I was gonna pay for this.

Grandpa?

I've come to pick you up, champ!

All right, let me get my stuff.

Good Lord, look at the size of you.

How'd your momma get you out?

She never forgave me, sir.

Why are you guys staring at me?

No reason.

[Yelling]

[Screaming]

Ha! Happy Halloween, bitch! Boo!

[All chuckling]

It was not cool! My RA thought a girl was getting assaulted.

Hey, don't be a Nance.

Dad, please.

Love you.

[Chuckles]

You were supposed to take pictures.

[Laughs] Nice.

OK, listen, I'm gonna have to go to the office.

Grayson, take Dad to the pub and I'll meet you for dinner?

I'll go throw on my free food pants.

[Chuckles]

How could it always be a disaster when he visits? Chick seems great.

I know! With all of you, he's Captain Superfun.

I may have just found my costume.

When it's just the two of us?

He's Mr. Emotionally Distant.

That could be my costume.

I don't even have to dress up.

Whenever I try to connect with him, he ducks and runs.

It was never like that when my mom was alive. She was our bridge between us.

That's why I'm so glad you're here.

So I can be the new bridge.

No, because he's going to hate you. [chuckles]

That way when I show up for dinner, he's gonna want to cut the dead weight, which is you, and then we can end up having nice quality father-daughter time, just the two of us.

It's a great plan, isn't it?

Awesome.

Why would he hate me?

For starters, your name is Grayson.

Grayson is a cool name.

For a hunting dog.

Plus, my Dad's the salt of the earth.

And you're like some vain little dandy.

I'm not a vain little...

Mirror.

What's up, playboy?

Oh, you already know.

Who the hell are you talking to?

That was the Schiller School.

Stan is tenth on the waiting list!

It's not fair.

When I hugged the headmaster, I let him press up against the twins.

He got sugar from the ice queen?

He's a dead man!

Calm down, I liked it.

Cool.

Wait, Don Bauer is headmaster at Schiller?

Guess who he golfs with?

There you are, leftie!

Grayson, I'm about to walk in and see you, so I want to apologize in advance for making fun of your $100 haircut.

But thanks again for letting my dad...

...hate you.

# I'm her man

# I'm her father

# She's my lover

# She's my daughter

# Singing here

[both] # Like a couple of fools

♪ 'Cause we both got...

♪ ... kicked in the family jewels ♪

[chuckling]

Yay.

Hey, we just got started.

So why don't you sit down?

Dadgummit.

Oh! Hmm...

Oh, hey, Laurie.

Hey.

Oh. Candy corn.

♪ Family jewels ♪

Every house ought to have a jam room, don't you think?

Ideally it wouldn't be in my bedroom.

Well, I already went all the way through the Sports section on the crapper, so I'm fixin' to spend the rest of the morning in here.

Count me in.

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

Drums and guitar? I'm so lucky.

I gotta go.

[Jules] Whatever, dude!

If it's too loud, you're too old.

Am I right?

Let's play.

So, Dad, I missed you. How you been?

That sounds more like talking than playing.

OK, what if I, I drop a b*at?

So Dad I missed you, how you been?

I think I'm gonna go take a walk.

Do you remember how Mom used to make us start every single morning by saying why we loved each other?

That's why I quit eating breakfast.

You know what, Dad?

Every time you come to visit me, I always hope that you're gonna wanna spend some time with just me.

But you never do. I guess that's fine, but there's really no reason for you to be here, is there?

You sound just like your mother when she got ticked off.

Now go ahead do what she always did and just finish me off with the big one.

Why don't you get the heck out of my house?

[Exhales heavily] Atta girl.

I am getting trick-or-treaters this year.

A boat is not a home until you use candy to lure children on it.

Dad, never use the words "lure" and "children" in the same sentence.

[Cackling]

Cool, haunted boat!

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, can we dress Stan up as a tiny pirate and strap him to the top of the...

No. Bobby, can we talk?

...and since you're pals, we thought you could talk to the headmaster to see if he could move Stan to the top of the waiting list.

And we got you this as a thank you.

Aw! That's sweet, Ellie.

I want back in as guardian.

[Laughing]

That's not funny.

They ran out of plastic spiders so I got some fake dog poops.

But it can still be scary, we'll put them in the web and people will be like, "Damn, how big is that spider?"

Great idea, Laurie.

Are you still pissy 'cause I scared you?

We scare each other every year.

[Sassy voice] Yeah, but that's when I was a kid. I'm over it.

[Scoffs]

Hey, Trav, I've got a costume idea.

You and me, Captain and Tennille.

And no fights about this, I'm Tennille.

But I'm not doing a costume this year, Gramp.

He's just being a typical kid who goes to college and then thinks he's too mature for all the fun stuff he used to love.

Well, if you ever outgrow go-karts, you're out of my will.

Got it. Laurie, I don't think that...

Where the hell did Laurie go?

Boo!

[Screams]

Ha! That's twice. Peace!

[Chuckling]

That's a fun way to say goodbye, isn't it? Peace! It's not me, is it?

No, not really.

Did you really tell Chick to "Get the heck out of this here house!"

I didn't do it like Yosemite Sam, but yeah.

Y'all just don't get it.

Stop throwing things!

"Y'all" is OK.

When I was a kid, my dad could sense when I needed him.

And he'd just, he'd put his arms out like this and...

...oh, his hug would make it so much better.

Come here.

Ugh. You're just so sweaty. Geez.

OK, well, my work here is done.

See you at the party.

What's your costume gonna be?

Mole? Rat?

Something with beady eyes?

[Chuckles] Same thing as every year.

I'm just gonna throw on my Prince costume and be handsome.

You watch. I'm gonna get my dad to open up to me.

You really think you're gonna change who he is as a person in the next two days?

No.

No. When the weekend's over, you're gonna know that you hurt his feelings, you're gonna start feeling guilty, start spiraling out of control...

Start stress eating. Which sucks because I'm gonna have to drive to the Keys to get those conch fritters you love.

All because you were mean to your daddy.

Oh, my God. I was mean to my daddy.

Oh, great, now my car's gonna smell like conch.

Are you sure it was conch?

[Jules] You know what? If he only wants to be around other people, then fine.

I'll go to the party with him.

He loves to dress up in costumes, then I'm gonna put on a costume.

Grayson's my prince and I'm gonna be his princess. You watch, I can do this.

Oh! Love your costume.

Bangkok prost*tute, right?

[Fake chuckle] Now I definitely know what I'm gonna be for Halloween.

Ta-da.

[Mimics Ellie] I'm your wife.

You're not Dinah Shore. [chuckles]

Oh, this is gonna cause problems.

[Mimics Laurie] Hey, peeps. Let's get our drink on. What-what? What-what?

So dumb. Andy, go do whatever I say, even though you make all the money.

[Increased mocking]

Nobody put a camera on the floor 'cause I never wear underwear.

What-what-what?

[Laughing]

I am so turned on right now.

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Windy Guy.

It's great, if I get trapped by someone I don't want to talk to, I just get blown away. Whoo!

[Cackling]

Hey, Ellie, do you want...

Oh, no, real Ellie, you want to knock out that legal guardian chat?

[Mimics Laurie] Whatevs.

Jules.

Oh...

I can say you look beautiful because you're the only person I'm ever nice to.

Oh, thank you. Love the salmon tie.

He must be an office bear.

[Giggles]

My dad's not here yet.

I want him to see me with my prince.

Where's my prince?

Dearly beloved, I'm right here.

Oh, that Prince.

Your dad asked me to come refill his candy bowl and since the only guy hitting on me was Andy, I was like, "Why not?"

Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is?

When you put out a "take one" sign and then kids swipe the whole bowl.

I actually asked my dad to make you go to his boat.

Why is that, Travis?

Because...

[yelling]

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

Taste the cheese!

I knew you would scare me back. This proves you still love Halloween, Travis.

No, it doesn't.

OK. Oh, boy, I'm stuck.

Travis, help me out, honey.

No, I'm good. Peace.

Come on!

Hey, kid, you want to help me out, please?

Hey, I know what you're thinking.

I'm warning you.

Just take one, like the sign says.

No! I will find you and I will k*ll you, you little...

Agh!

[Chuckles]

Huh? What do you think?

You're Dom DeLuise dressed as Burt Reynolds. It's genius.

How could you?

OK, if you want to gain back custody of Stan, I have a few questions.

Let's say Jules, Andy, and I die in a plane crash...

Stop right there.

Die in a ninja battle. Much cooler.

I could die dodging Chinese stars.

[Mock fighting noises]

Seriously? Come on.

We're dead, you have custody of Stan.

What's the first thing you do?

I'd change his name.

Never liked Stan. I'd call him Rick.

He's kidding, he loves the name Stan.

I like Rick.

Rick's got your back in a bar fight.

My baby is not getting your back in a bar fight!

Not as a baby, come on.

We'd get our asses kicked.

This is fun. I'm gonna get us some more beer and then we'll keep playing.

Don't bother. Andy, the thought of him raising Stan, it's just not worth it.

Ooh...

Great. You made him blow away sad.

OK, Yogi. Let's keep our paws to ourselves.

Hey!

I missed a text from my dad.

What's wrong?

He's not coming.

He packed up and went home.

I can't believe my dad left.

It really is unbelievable.

Wha? Stupid bear, you're not even eating them!

That is by far the most annoying bear here.

Why can't he be more like the panda?

The panda's awesome.

You get some, Ling Ling.

I hope he's not a m*rder*r.

Your dad's the bad guy in this, don't let him ruin your night.

No one can bring me down.

Hello, Jules.

Except her. Hi, Barb.

What are you, a shredded wheat?

[Chuckles] No. I'm a hay stack.

Hey, fellas, who wants a roll in the hay?

[Guys whistling]

Oh, everybody.

New low.

I thought Barb would pick a costume more revealing...

[applauding]

Bravo. That's...

Hey, hey, why so sad?

My dad used to walk around in underwear just like that.

Oh, look, it's a mean person dressed as an awesome person.

I didn't give you what you wanted, so you won't help Stan get into preschool?

Weak sauce, my friend.

Oh, please.

The second I found out you needed me, I called my buddy and got Stan into that fancy baby school.

You did?

Of course I did.

I'll always help that kid, even if you're being a power tool.

Boom! Angry blow off.

[Yelping] Chair arms!

[Giggling] Taste that cheese.

Stop scaring me. I'm not built for it.

No, 'cause you're a total liar.

Look at you, sitting here smiling, looking at old pictures.

Dude, you love Halloween.

Why do you care so much?

I've been through this 100 times, with all my friends from high school who went to college and I stayed behind, they came back too cool for school.

Know how many I'm still tight with?

Bagel.

Whatever.

Ha... That's the year I dressed up as a bear.

I got to mess with everyone, no one knew it was me. It was Grandpa's idea, he used to say you can get away with just about anything if you're a... bear.

You know what I hate, you know, besides your costume?

You're lucky the real Prince wasn't here to hear that.

Oh, yeah, because I couldn't kick his ass.

[Squeaking]

I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for him to be with me?

I'm gonna go home.

You are my dad, right?

There's nothing you can say to make me want to talk to you.

Oh...

b*at it.

Ooh...

Park it.

I know I'm hard on you.

I make fun of your boat.

Your job. The way you talk.

[Mimics] "Hey, bud..." [grunting]

[Grunting noises continue]

Which is not really talking.

But even though I was a jerk to you, you still put Stan first.

I'll always look out for him.

That's why you're back in as guardian.

[Laughs]

I just know in my heart that if anything ever happened to me, you would do whatever it takes to help Stan grow up to be the man that...

...you're not.

If you, Andy and Jules bite the dust, he's mine?

Yes.

You're never riding in the same car with those two again, are ya?

No chance.

Hey, honey.

[Cackling] Oh, my God!

[Mimics Andy]

My wife's way too hot for me.

I'm Cuban, but I don't speak Spanish.

Dude! This is awesome!

[Giggling]

Come on!

[Mimics] Come on!

[Chortling]

This bear suit was just me being silly.

Plus, it's a little bit of payback for this morning and all that "Get the heck out of my house!"

Why does everyone think I swing my arms? I never swing my arms.

Come on, let's go back inside.

No.

Stop running away.

Listen, I know Mom's not here to make us be real with each other, but, Dad, why don't you wanna talk to me?

Sweetie. It's not that I don't want to...

It's just that you remind me...

...so much of your mother when she was young.

[# WAZ: Won't Cost a Thing]

And I miss her.

And...

If I start to cry, I'm putting my bear head back on.

I miss her, too, Dad.

But with Mom gone, I need you more.

You know, my biggest fear in life is that I don't want to be alone.

[Sniffling] And I'm not married, and Travis is grown, so, you're all the family I've got.

Well, that's just horse puckey.

[Chuckles]

Because you have built a beautiful family here.

You can see how much y'all love each other...

I'm just so excited for you, Andy and Jules to die. I want that boy.

Here's to Rick.

[Together] To Rick!

No!

You know what Mom would make us do right now, if she was here?

[Grumbling]

She would make us say why we love each other.

Aw, man.

Too bad. You're doing it.

[Sighing]

And I'll go first.

You're my daddy and I love you.

OK, that's all you get because this is your issue not mine. Your turn.

Without the bear head, Dad.

Junebug...

...of all the things that I've ever done in my life, the thing that I will always be the proudest of...

...is you.

You're my princess.

Give me that bear head.

Not doing it.

Oh, boy.

[Chuckling]

# I'm her man

# I'm her father

# I'm her lover

# She's my daughter

I hate this.

Well, then you should've only taken one piece of candy.

But you didn't, did you?

So now you have to sit here and listen to a bear and a gay pirate play some horrible song over and over and over again.

I am Prince, damn it. OK?

I am Minnesota tough!

You make it sound like hearing our music is a punishment.

You want to whine about it or play for someone who has to listen to you?

♪ I'm her man
♪ I'm her father... ♪