01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

One second-hand drinks machine and some naff patio furniture.

Lose the word naff and think of the price was right.

It's all flat-pack.

Oh, that reminds me, your mother used to do a perfect impression of a flat pack.

Don't change the subject. Who's going to assemble it all?

Oh, look, don't worry, I'll get Gastric to help you.

I like Gastric, but he's not all that nimble with his hands, is he?

Hey, don't say that, I've been trying to convince Madge that he's got everything she needs for a late-in-life romance.

Coffee bar?

Open for breakfast, snacks and light lunches.

It's not you.

I have this vision, the twilight supper trade, subdued lighting.

Oh, I can believe subdued, it'll be you saving money.

No, think of romantic setting, eh? Lovers at every table.

Under the table, if you spot your wife coming.

Would you say that's an omen? Mm?

The modern progressive grocer doesn't believe in superstition.

Close your mouth, people can see your socks.

This is Gastric's screwdriver.

Well, he owes you, then, doesn't he? For cleaning his handle.

Anyway, what are you doing here?

You should be out there finishing my patio furniture.

I daren't touch it. We have to be so careful with it, it's rubbish, you know.

No, lightweight - the word you're looking for is lightweight.

Ah, Gastric, late again?

Late?

If I come in any earlier I shall still be in bed.

Now, listen, time is precious, we've got an eager clientele awaiting for our coffee bar to open.

Well, I hope they're standing up. It's rubbish that furniture, you know.

I've told him.

It'll never work, you're not Starbuck savvy.

Madge, what a pleasure it is to see you on such a wet day.

Oh, it isn't wet. I wonder what gave me that impression.

Overreaching a bit, aren't we? Coffee bar.

How've you been keeping?

Mostly trying to keep our Mavis away from you.

Yes, I know, I've noticed.

And stop spreading that story that I'm moving to China.

Just wishful thinking.

I like your hair.

You don't.

It's about the only bit of you that I do like.

Come on, Madge, lighten up. Smiles are cheap.

Well, it's the only thing in here that is.

How much are you overcharging for your marmalade this week?

The same as I did last week, what do you want? Orange or lemon?

Lemon.

Wise move, suits your personality.

There you are, thank you, madam, £1.50.

Thank you very much. Anything else?

Just the correct change and hopefully catching sight of you getting bitten by that till.

Never.

£1.50p, please.

Two, 50, two, three, four...

Thank you.

You wanted a smile.

I don't know what his uncle Arkwright would've made of this trifling with a coffee bar.

Well, it's not like he's opening a bawdy house.

There'd be profit in that.

Don't tell him or you never know.

I do hope he's not losing that wonderful gift for not spending.

Who? Granville? I don't think you need worry.

Is he having a midlife crisis?

I doubt he'd spend on one of those.

At his age they get trapped by some woman.

My last two husbands did.

Did you find out who she was?

It was me.

They don't stand a chance, really, do they?

There was one I let get away, bought me such an expensive engagement ring you just knew you wouldn't dare marry a fool like that.

It on?

Yeah.

Oh, don't come in here spouting Bulgarian, will you?

Is it on? Is it working?

Oh! Ah! Yes, yes.

It's, er, yes it's alive.

If you listen carefully it sounds worse than Gastric.

(belching sounds)

(bell rings)

Eh up, carry on.

They said I'd be amazed.

No, it's all right, continue to browse, take your time, absolutely no obligation.

Oh, I'm not thinking of buying.

Forgive me, but I couldn't resist popping in for a look.

My friends said this place still existed, but I couldn't believe it.

Well, why don't you bring your friends in?

I always keep a few bargains for those who are socially superior.

I don't think so, I can't see my great friend, Mrs Norberry, being interested, she has accounts at Harrods.

Oh, yes, I know it well, Tosher Harrod, yes, he has a little stall, doesn't he, up there in the marketplace?

If you want anything that's past its sell-by date at unbelievable prices, I mean, he is your man.

No, no, no, Elaine, that's Mrs Norberry...

Mm.

.. only buys the best.

Oh, I do like that in a person, don't you?

We have one of those, her name is Mrs Jollop.

She comes in here regularly, you know, despite having a variety of skin conditions.

How unfortunate. You let her wander freely in here?

No, no, not freely, she spends a bob or two.

Won't she affect your new coffee bar?

Oh, no, no, no, no, they all know not to touch anything once she's been out there.

I'm surprised you make a point of mentioning customers with skin conditions.

Yeah, well, you see it's only for strangers, really.

Normally by this time, they're out through the front door but I see that you are made of sterner stuff.

But why would you wish to frighten customers away?

I like to keep my little secrets, you see.

I like to hold back some of my luxury items for my regular customers, but I can see there's no fooling you.

All right you've convinced me, you can have one, but no more, and please don't tell your friends.

One what?

Well, it's a local speciality, you see, but you will be able to convince your friends that it's continental when you have one of your dinner parties.

They'll probably want to know where you get it from but you're going to have to lie, you're going to have to tell them that it comes from, well, a load of peasants who make it in a little known valley in the Dolomites.

Salami?

Yaggis.

You mean haggis?

No that's Scottish, this is yaggis.

I've never heard of it.

No, well, you won't do if you spend your time buying stuff from Tosher Harrod.

Is he going to gentrify the entire area?

Are we going to have to stop eating bread and dripping?

It won't be latte or espresso, it'll be your basic coffee, you'll get black or white.

Hey, I tell you what I do get, sometimes a pain, during meals, right about here.

Don't look at me, I'm retired.

I can't get a doctor's appointment till next week.

How dare they gamble that I'll live till next week?

Still retired.

What?

Didn't you swear an oath to comfort the sick?

I used to stick needles in bums, how comforting is that?

I wouldn't bring you a bum, I'm only talking upper chest.

You're probably eating too fast.

Not as fast as her brother.

How long's he staying with you?

My guess is forever.

He doesn't appear to be the type who does anything fast.

Until you give him a Kn*fe and fork.

I'm sitting there watching him, lost in admiration, the wife thinks I've finished, whips me plate away and hands it to the cat.

How is she?

Friendly enough, just don't try rubbing her belly.

Your wife, not the cat.

Same again, she's fine, just don't try the belly thing.

I just wonder why it has to be so secret.

Well, of course, it's the ingredients, there is a very powerful fungus that's rarer than truffles.

Does it have a name?

Noggit. Wild Yorkshire noggit.

Yeah, it's the same as a very superior truffle only it's got a hint of mushy peas.

Don't you mean nuggets?

It, uh...

I have to keep my voice down, you see, because the walls have ears, there are only a few very old families who know where the noggit sites are.

You also have to have a specially trained whippet.

Is yaggis really worth all that? Well, what does it do?

Oh, well, it kick-starts the creative juices.

Elton John always has some in his piano.

Now Shakespeare, he wrote nothing but auction catalogues until he was introduced to yaggis by a cousin of his from Halifax, that's a cousin on his mother's side.

That sounds unlikely.

Ah, Mavis.

Don't mind me, talk among yourselves, I'll be there in a minute.

Oh, maybe two minutes.

I'm sure I made a list.

I always make a list.

Oh, you know me if I don't make a list.

On the positive side, things are improving, at least I've remembered I've forgotten my list.

Be right back.

Yes, now, apart from being a mind stimulus, you see that lady who just left, would you believe she is 89?

89?! Never in this world.

Oh, yes, it's because of her daily yaggis.

What?

You look very well for your age.

That sounds like I'm one stage up from decrepit.

Not at all, I think you look remarkably well preserved.

Yes, I suppose it could be yaggis.

What's she seen?

What did she call it?

Oh, God, I've got yaggis.

What height do you want these chairs?

On the floor would be nice.

They've got adjustable legs.

Don't keep reminding me of your mother, will you?

What height do you want the chairs?

Adjustable legs, that's posh.

See, they were a good buy.

Now, will you stop rubbishing my patio furniture, thank you?

It's not like oak, you can't b*at a bit of oak.

You like oak, do you?

That's funny that, because Madge always reminds me of a sturdy oak tree.

She's got too many thorns.

Did you know, King Charles, he hid in an oak tree?

Just think, you'd have a lifetime of shelter with Madge.

I don't think she even likes me.

Well, of course she does, she's just playing hard to get, that's what they do, isn't it?

Don't you worry, I'll see you through that.

You just look on me as your own personal romantic trainer.

Is this thing working?

Yeah, well, of course, look, I mean...

(gurgling)

There we are, see?

We have li... lift off, yeah, I...

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hello, that's the doorbell.

We're going to Skegness.

Oh, that's bracing.

They're taking his mother.

Oh, they're taking her.

Mm?

No talk of bringing her back, eh?

I think she does most of paying.

Oh, does she? Well, next time she's about, bring her in here.

You know, I've got things in here you won't find in Skegness.

You're not exactly a seaside attraction.

Oh, I don't know. There was one magical night in Blackpool.

Yes, I heard about that.

Not from me you didn't, I was left with child.

Anyway I, I don't want to talk about it.

BANGING Yeah, that's all right.

How long's your brother here for?

I don't know, but it seems longer.

It must be nice to have a brother.

Another week, you can have this one.

I wouldn't mind if only Eric made the effort to try and cheer him up.

Well, when I saw them they looked equally miserable to me.

It's about the only thing they've got in common.

It was definitely one all as far as I could see.

Well, he's hardly likely to be much fun if his partner's just walked out and left him.

I expect he feels the world's a dark place.

I bet he's all torn up inside.

But it doesn't stop him eating.

Can't you get them back together?

Not unless her new bloke will give her the time off.

But if she went back for some personal things and your brother was there and this look went between them?

Oh, stop dreaming, our Mavis, the world's gone past happy endings.

Well, it's possible she's made a wrong move and now she's pacing a strange bedroom full of guilt and regret.

She doesn't pace strange bedrooms, she races through as many as she can collect.

Are you sure this is the best way to go?

This is the way I normally go.

If you'd rather, we can go through the park.

Fine by me.

Well, which is fine by you? This way or through the park?

Either.

Right, well, that's that settled.

Fancy a choc ice? Nutty bar, a coke or something?

I don't think so.

Well, what do you go for when you're treating yourself, Les?

I'm not persuaded that treating yourself is really in a person's best interest.

Well, what do you do for fun?

Fun is for children.

I try to practise moderation.

You're doing a really good job.

Apart from breakfast, lunch and dinner it seems you've got moderation really well nailed down.

Although I do have a weakness for self-improvement, I believe the only way forward lies in clenching your jaw and gritting your teeth.

Not if you're kissing somebody.

Why would I be kissing somebody?

Lester, it beats gritting your teeth. Are you coming in?

I'll wait outside.

Hey, bring him in, hey, buy him something.

He doesn't want to come in.

Well, that's unfair tactics, that.

He's probably been warned, a place like this isn't for the novice.

Well, has he thought about improving his mind?

Has he thought of herbal supplements?

You know, anything for boosting the old grey matter?

I mean, has he heard of yaggis?

BOTH: Yaggis?

It's salami.

Not any more, it's yaggis.

There's no such thing.

Well, there is now and it's all full of the goodness of wild Yorkshire noggit.

What's this herbal stuff?

Come in, Cyril, come along, don't leave half of you outside, you might get it nicked. Now, come on.

I want it understood, I'm not necessarily buying, I'm just enquiring.

Right, OK.

So, what's this pill, then?

Well it's not a pill, no, it's yaggis.

Looks like a salami.

But it includes one of the most powerful herbal stimulants.

Used for what?

Increasing brain activity, extending your fluency with words so that you can dominate your audience with the power of speech.

Who's going to believe that?

Well, Einstein always used to chew it before he did his calculations.

Oh, it's no use to me, I'm not looking to be a genius.

No? So you don't want to dominate your audience, then, do you?

Dominate your audience?

Just think of it this way, just think that you can talk your wife out of things, right, but you can also talk her into things.

I'll take a couple... for their general health benefits.

Well, Granville's coffee bar furniture won't be the luxury end.

You can bet he's found a bargain somewhere.

Have you seen it?

Nobody's seen it, he's got airport-level security.

Oh, when they start spending at Granville's age, it's a bad sign.

If it's a way of going off the rails there are worse things available to the adventurous male.

I had a husband started spending late in life. I told him, I said, "What do you want new clothes for?

"The doctor said you shouldn't get excited."

But, no, he had to have his single-breasted, double-vent, three-piece with hand-stitched lapels.

I buried him in it.

He got his wear, then?

(machine gurgles)

(belching noises)

Manners, please.

(gurgling)

(belching)

Now this has got to stop, this is getting personal this, and there's only going to be one winner.

Coffee bar will be open in a minute, do you want to wait?

Whatever.

Finished the wife's hair?

Well, I wouldn't say finished, but she's done.

Looking well, head to fingertips.

So she's looking good?

Did you enquire what she intends to do with it?

If it was up to me, the answer would be don't get your hopes up.

Do you know how long it is since we've had a decent thunderstorm?

I only get a cuddle when she's terrified of lightning.

Oh, I don't like lightning.

I could do house calls.

I'll look after my sister, thank you.

All I get is a brother-in-law.

Did the wife say anything about when I can take him back home?

Not to us.

He looks very sad.

Mm, it runs all the way through.

Lester? Say hello to Mavis and Madge.

Oh, I'm Madge.

So guess who I am.

I won't shake hands if you don't mind, only spreads germs.

He needn't think I'm contagious.

Maybe he's heard I've got yaggis.

You know, we should have a bit of a ceremony, really, on big moments like this.

No speeches, you've had enough gob selling yaggis.

I shifted it, though, didn't I?

Right, let them in, then.

Welcome, everybody.

It looks almost not tat.

I like it.

You see, I can make decisions, I'm almost certain I like it.

Well, I suppose it's presentable.

Somebody's made an effort, which is more than you can say for some people.

I've been baby-sitting him all day.

And look how much he's enjoyed it.

He doesn't do enjoy.

Well, I must admit, I expected worse.

That's always been my philosophy.

It's going to be expensive, I can feel it.

(he clears his throat)

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please be seated and my barista and I will be coming round shortly to take your orders.

Thank you... That was you, off you go.

Er, Madge, Madge, would you like to sit here with a spare seat for Gastric?

What? The same Gastric that never opens his gob and sits there looking gormless?

You see, he's made an impression.

(tapping)

Oh, excuse me.

(machine gurgles)

Is it supposed to do this?

Do what?

That.

(gurgling)

Now, all right, now listen, don't panic.

I remember some advice from years ago.

When something like this happens, you just, um, you just ja-ja-ja-jiggle it a bit.

Mind you, it's ja-ja-jiggling itself, isn't it? Er, right.

Something's gone pear-shaped, it's obvious something's gone wrong, I knew it.

Maybe one by one they're being struck down by yaggis.

There is something wrong, can't you feel his presence?

Feel whose presence?

Well, his Uncle Arkwright.

There's no way he'd let this amount of expenditure pass without some sort of demonstration.

I can't feel his presence and I used to feel it more than most.

Who are they talking about?

He used to own the place.

You have to bring me somewhere haunted?

Don't tell me you believe in all that stuff?

I believe there are things of no mortal flesh and blood, yeah.

I've been baby-sitting one all day.

There, you see, you admit it, you don't like my company.

Now see what you've done, go on, apologise.

Cool your jets, Lester, you've got me heading for the spare bedroom tonight.

Foretelling the future now, are we?

There's no limits to some people's talents.

I knew it, here comes Leroy with a lie all over his face.

Almost there, folks, please remain seated, the management will soon have everything under control.

Did anyone not detect that air of desperation?

Did anyone not detect a certain sinking feeling?

Hang on!

(banging and smashing)

Oh, heck!

Now what?

Seeing as though they're on the floor, may I suggest a Japanese tea room?

That's where I met your mother.

A Japanese tea room?

No, on the floor.

At least the yaggis went well.

What I need now, Lord, is somebody with a powerful urge to buy a load of patio furniture.

I wonder, if Gastric were injured would that get Madge's sympathy?

Well, where is he most likely to get injured?

Probably from Madge.

(phone rings)

No, no, no, Mavis, you haven't got yaggis.

No, we're not keeping anything from you.

No, look, I'll tell you what, why don't you pop round later and we'll look for symptoms.

You can trust me, I'm a specialist in yaggis.

Yes.