01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

(birdsong)

Save me a large Danish.

All right.

Who was that?

I have no idea, I just know her as Large Danish.

Hmm, I've never seen her before.

No, that is because you're always half asleep and your mind is befogged with excesses of the flesh!

I'm nowhere near excess, they've all got boyfriends.

My love life is a minefield.

Oh, yes, I know! And, with you, it's always, "Oh, this one's mine! That one's mine! Oh, oh, the other one's mine!"

Eh! Oh, heck!

Look at that!

Oh, we'll have to sell this quick before the bruise shows.

What bruise? What have you got there?

Oh, Nurse Gladys.

(he laughs to himself)

You know, he always used to say that these reminded him of you.

Mmm! And, for saying it, he always got some knuckle.

Oh!

Oh, that's two bruises I've got now!

Serves you right.

(he yawns)

(yawns continue)

That till is getting hungrier.

I don't know why we don't get something modern that's easy to handle.

What, someone like your mother, you mean?

Anyway, we tried a new till once, didn't we?

You remember? You remember what happened?

Yes!

The takings went down. It's just a coincidence.

No, it wasn't. That was Arkwright.

You don't imagine he's going to give up the business that easily just because he per-per-passed over, no.

No, he spends a lot of time in that till.

He would never allow us to throw him out.

That is the kind of theory known as absolute cobblers.

What about that melon that jumped off the table out there, then?

You were there.

Yeah, well, it's that kind of shape.

It rolls easily.

No, it was pushed and I know who by.

You gossip with all these old biddies round here.

You're getting more old woman than they are.

No, no, it was pushed! And I tell you why, because Nurse Gladys was coming up behind us.

We didn't see her, but Arkwright did and that is why he handled that melon with the fondest memories of Nurse Gladys.

You honestly believe your Uncle Arkwright is still on these premises?

Well, can't you feel it?

Er, no, and I'm not likely to.

(till rings loudly)

(windows squeak)

WET ERIC: I used to have visions of a wife trained like that.

And then you got married.

I were just getting mine trained... when she left me.

(she giggles, a car approaches)

She fancies me.

In your dreams.

That's what I thought, but Granville says she's attracted to me.

You'll get nowhere with older women.

They can't get past the years of accumulated malice.

What are you lot gawping at?

You're looking well this morning, Madge.

As opposed to what?

Do I normally look like a used tea bag?

I expect she has to hide her feelings when other people are present.

I told you, years of malice.

They get lessons in vicious at their mother's knee.

I only know her as Large Danish.

I don't know what their name is, but they've just moved back here from Chesterfield.

Her husband works for council.

No children. She's had an hysterectomy.

Well, how come you missed their name?

You can't be nosey!

'Ere, why were your shop lights on at three o'clock in morning?

Hmm? No, no, couldn't be.

Ah! I were up feeding baby!

Your lights were on, somebody were moving about.

What, in the shop?

Mm.

You saw somebody?

Just a shadow.

Oh, you got me a bit worried now.

I'll have some fruit.

Oh, right, OK.

(he laughs)

Ah, I've got a very nice melon.

Oh!

Ah, there we are. Thank you very much, Mrs Hussein.

Both: Good morning, Mr Arkwright.

Oh, good morning, ladies.

Mm?

He needs to watch that one.

She's been round more than windows.

Oh?

They've been in every corner.

Especially that one, so I'm told.

Anyway, where were you last night?

(Eh, eh, eh! Keep your voice down.)

(They think I was washing my hair. Go on.)

He was washing...! Ah!

You've got good strong nails.

I was a nurse. You kept 'em short.

Where these had to go, the last thing you needed was claws.

There's a pride in looking your best, not for men.

I always find it helps me to feel combat ready.

She has an admirer, but that's all she gives him - combat.

She means Gastric.

Is this supposed to bring me out in hot girlie flushes?

He's kind with animals.

I must admit it's hard to see Gastric upsetting anybody's emotional plumbing.

And he'd do anything for anybody.

It's no substitute for making your flesh tingle, is it?

Look where your last tingle got you.

Well, at least I was miserable with somebody gorgeous.

He wasn't gorgeous! It were just the glow of being in love, with himself.

I know he smelt nice, if you got there early.

Gorgeous males were the worst patients.

They could never stand pain.

It was always a pleasure to help 'em find a bit.

I nearly did gorgeous once.

But it was dark and I'm not sure he was paying full attention.

You know, I've got to come up with a better plan for Gastric and Madge.

Hey, that reminds me, I want an answer to my question, no waffling, what time did you get in last night?

I wasn't late.

That is not a time, that is an excuse.

Maybe half 12?

Half 12? What about 3am?

No way!

All right, what were the shop lights doing on, then?

I didn't come through the shop. I went straight upstairs.

Well, I have a witness that saw the shop lights on at 3am.

Are you sure you didn't come in here with some little madam to offer her a free dip behind the sweet counter?

I didn't bring anybody home and the lights weren't on when we got up, so, if I turned them on, who turned them off?

Ooh!

(car alarm beeps)

Mavis: I like her shoes.

I bet she's done more mileage than they have.

There's a long way from her shoes to where her skirt starts.

It's only a wild guess, but I don't think she's come from a nunnery.

Some people can wear short skirts.

Sometimes, I wish one of them was me.

She's wearing less than me when I go to bed.

She seems more than casually interested in the shop.

I bet she's got wider interests than that.

Well, she's getting interested in us.

My first husband had a previous wife of that calibre.

You must've come as a bit of a change, then.

Mm, he was ready for the advantages of boredom.

Now, you've all stripped the paint off me, can you tell me if this shop's still in the same hands?

And whose hands might that be?

I tell you what, can we get the aggro out of the way and start again as if we're all civilised?

I know you've decided I look like a tart, but you go with what works, all right?

Well, you've got it down pretty well, I'll give you that.

It's got me this far. Bruised, but still fighting.

I like your shoes.

Oh, a friendly face.

What you doing with this lot?

They're not so bad, once you get passed first impressions.

Don't you believe it.

I'm hard work all the way to last impressions.

And we can all vouch for that.

(mobile phone rings)

Excuse me.

Oh. I'll have to take this. It's from my local idiot.

Now what?

I didn't even come through the shop.

Mm, well, we've established that it wasn't you, so it must've been somebody else, right?

Which is impossible, because the alarms didn't go off.

Right.

Except...

Except what?

Well, Mrs Hussein said that she saw a shadow.

Ooh!

A shadow moving about.

Not only moving, but switching the lights on and off.

Exactly.

But it knew where the switches were.

Oh, give over!

I keep telling you, he's still here.

Yes, and he lives in the till, blah-blah-blah-blah!

What a load of old rhubarb.

So... Who switched the lights on, then?

(coins rattle)

You'll have to get him exorcised.

He gets enough damned exercise!

No ex-or-cised - driven out, removed.

No, I can't do that.

I still like him around the premises.

As long as he pays his own electric.

I'll be back when I finished what I came for.

Oh, don't give me "love ya"!

Takes a firm line with men - nobody's all bad.

Big, useless!

Gorgeous!

That's what does it every time.

It's wearing thin.

He's got the IQ of a pedal bin.

I've always found you get better value out of plain.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with plain, especially in subdued light, if your interests are similar.

I imagine.

WET ERIC: Hey! There's some mature stuff out there that's not half bad, if your taste runs to retro.

Probably beyond the reach of your average income, but...

Well, it doesn't interest me.

Where do you two stand on the subject of ghosts?

I think I married one.

She leaves scarcely a mark on a double bed.

Oh, mine leaves a mark. It says...

"Don't cross."

Ah.

Come away from there!

You're supposed to window shop in this direction.

Hello, Granville.

You look as if you've seen a ghost!

That blouse looked expensive.

It looked two sizes too small!

I never understood the urge to put something on and then break your neck to let yourself out.

He definitely knows who she is.

He got a shock. Did you see his face?

Did you see that short skirt?

Why would I be looking at his face?!

She's still in the shop. It looked like Granville recognised her.

Oh, that reminds me - I have to pop into the shop.

For what?

Er, mint jelly.

Nice one! Off the top of your head. You did well there.

Personally, if anybody asks, I need a small fruit loaf.

I bet you forgot to get those gravy granules, didn't you?

I can't remember anybody saying anything about...

Come on!

(bell rings)

Look at this lot. They must think there's a sale on.

I beg your pardon. I'm here for gravy granules.

And I'm with her.

And I'm for mint jelly. I have no interest in who the woman was.

And I'm only interested in a small fruit loaf.

Where is she?

He took her in the back.

Ooh! She gets access to his private quarters.

I expect she's had access to quite a few.

Well, I thought she looked like she had a really nice personality.

We all know what YOU thought.

(loud sobbing)

Why do you hate me?

How can you say no to my dying wish?

Linda, you're not dying.

What do you know?!

You're performing, as usual. Pack it in!

All right, then, if that's how it is.

You're getting harder in your old age.

I knew you'd say no! I knew you'd still hate me!

I don't hate you.

I can scarcely remember you... Ha!

..especially in daylight.

We were very close, as I remember.

I've never forgotten it.

Through all my partners, I've kept this vision of us.

Mm-hm. What colour are my eyes?

Oh, that's not fair!

My visions were in black and white.

You're performing again.

Good, though, isn't it?

Mm, yeah.

OK, here's the thing - think of me as emotionally unstable, don't fight me, I could go off any minute, I'm taking pills for it.

Oh, right, take another one, I'll get you a glass of water.

I'd sooner have vodka.

Linda, I'm not feeding you vodka, not if you're taking pills.

Aw! See how responsible you are!

It just shows you how wise I was, leaving my son in good hands, and then they say I'm a bad mother.

Look, it's worked out all right, OK? So leave it alone.

I hope she's being gentle with him.

Come away! Don't! Show your manners.

Oh, leave him alone, it's only a precaution.

Somebody ought to be concerned with Granville's welfare.

You don't get stuff like that on welfare!

So where is he? I want to see him.

Have you thought about this?

I want to see him or else... you'll be responsible for me dying in his arms.

I'd like a glass of water, please.

Fetch your own water!

Is this all you care after all we've been?

What? One night in Blackpool?

I've never forgotten.

No, neither have I!

So... this... is how it ends.

Oh, put them away! Put them away!

No-one's stopping you from seeing him.

Oh, who's a sweetie?

Mwah!

Don't bring him in here, though. I don't like it.

This room feels like there's some uneasy spirit in it.

Yeah, well, there is now.

All right...

Come on.

Oh, just a minute.

Hmm?

Granville: Come on.

Linda: OK.

Huh?

Who's been selling tickets?

We... (They...) They're wondering if you were all right back there.

I'm sure there is nothing here, but concern for your personal safety.

And I just popped in for gravy granules.

Make that two for gravy granules.

OK, let's stop lying.

Oh, that's going to make life difficult.

Who is she?

I could've been wrong.

I'm not sure I do like her shoes.

Where is Leroy?

He's out on a delivery.

Oh.

(murmuring)

Only those with hearts of stone would begrudge me this sacred moment.

Together at last!

Hey! No, that's not him!

No problem!

I can take a message.

Now that we've made contact, I'll be back.

I bet he's gorgeous.

He'll have his mother's genes. I'd stay longer, but I've had to leave some idiot looking after the bar.

Oh?

Why leave an idiot in charge?

It's his place, actually.

But what happened to the bloke in the motor trade?

He had to go, couldn't do with him around.

It tore me up leaving you, you know.

But maybe it was all for the best.

Because I'm here now with a great opportunity for you to invest in a little pub and restaurant enterprise.

Oh, well... Gosh, you know, business here is terrible.

Relax! Let's not worry about that now.

We're a unit again.

I'll be back.

Without your pills, I hope.

They were only mints.

Oh.

Oh!

(engine starts)

Tell him his mother sends her love.

Looking forward to us all being reunited.

(dixie horn blares)

Who was that?

I've no idea.

I haven't seen her before.

Mmm, she looked very friendly.

Oh, yes. She's friendly.

Come on, let's go inside.

Arkwright's waiting.

(door opens, bell rings)

I definitely did not like her shoes.

Yes, all right, Mavis.

Um... She was looking for Arkwright, see?

She's a ghostbuster.

I don't think I believe in ghosts.

Hmm.

But I could be wrong.

The only spirits in this place are in a bottle.

Oh, no. We've got witnesses who've seen something.

She was 5'7" and wearing a really short skirt!

How long have you been thinking you've got a ghost?

Ever since Arkwright went.

You mean you think Arkwright's the ghost?

Well, he was never going to go quietly, was he?

Nor do you.

I've got a Ouija board somewhere.

Maybe the spirits could guide us to our destiny.

Yes, maybe the spirits could guide a couple round here.

Since when did you have a Ouija board?

Since when I wanted to find out who my husband was cheating on me with.

Did you get a name?

Just a first name.

Harold.

No, I think that what we need is a seance.

Leroy, will you close those curtains, please, over there?

I will close these.

Yes. There.

Oh, it's spooky enough already for me.

That's more like it.

My only fear is this could all be a trick to sell us something.

His uncle had better tricks than that.

I only came in for tea cakes.

Next thing you know, you're playing with dark forces.

It gets worse.

We have to hold hands.

I did that once at a party and, when the lights came on, I'd lost an earring.

Well, if somebody comes through, you can ask if anyone's seen it.

(shop door opens, bell rings)

Ah, excuse me, I won't be a moment.

Well, why doesn't he shut the shop?

Oh, that would haunt him worse than anything.

I got your message. What can I do you for?

Is this the Gastric I see before me who's handy with tools?

Well, I can usually handle what's asked of me.

Yes.

Now I want you to think floorboards, right?

Forget about your love life for a minute, cos I'm still working on that.

Love life?

Mm-hm.

More like it's forgotten me.

I mean, that Madge never looks like she's attracted to me.

Look, don't worry. Madge is your destiny.

She will soon get the message.

Now, er, look, I've got these very creaky floorboards.

Oh, they can drive you mad. Do you want me to have a look?

Yes, exactly! Now, er, what I want you to do is would you go upstairs, right?

Yeah.

And when you find a creaky, er, floorboard...

Yeah.

.. I want you to...

(voice fades)

Right.

(all gasp)

No, it's only me, it's only me.

I'm, er, of flesh and blood! Ha! Right, OK. There!

Any spirits been in contact in my absence?

(What do you think?)

Er, no.

Right, ssh. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please be seated?

Do any of you believe in this stuff?

Oh, I do!

And then I don't.

And then, I think, "Well, maybe I better."

Oh, don't listen to her! She's vague about everything!

I've still got both earrings.

Right. Now, quiet, everybody.

I want you to hold the hand of the person that is next to you.

Hell of a way to buy tea cakes.

It's all right, holding hands, but it gives him free access to your pockets.

Shh!

Quiet.

We have now formed the circle and it is the doorway through which the spirits can enter.

I hope they wipe their feet.

You're very warm, Eric, for someone who works in an office.

It's only calories, it shouldn't be taken as any indication that I'm currently over stimulated.

Stick with me, lad, I've brought down many a temperature.

Please, can we all concentrate?

Right...

Are you there, spirit?

Could you send us a sign?

(floorboard creaks)

(creak!)

Thank you.

And welcome.

(creak!)

Are you there?

(thud! thud! they gasp)

No, no, no, don't break the circle.

Don't break the circle.

Are you really there?

It's Arkwright.

(thud! thud! thud!)

(thud! gasps)

(Why four this time?)

Well, he's got a stutter, ain't he?

Oh, spirit, send us guidance.

If you think Gastric is Madge's destiny, please knock three times.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Did you hear me?

(thud! thud!)

(crash!)

Oh, heck!

(coughing)

You're looking well, Madge.

You see?

The spirit has spoken.

'Are you really there, Arkwright?'

(granville laughs)

'We had them guessing, didn't we? And Madge got a good view of Gastric's leg. Seemed quite excited, initially.'

Arkwright, stop that with the electrics or I'll change the till.

Thank you.

'She will. She'll be back. Can she possibly be a fit mother when she's so highly leg? Er, strung, strung. I meant strung! Yes.'