02x01 - Superdick

[bunniefuu]

No, buddy.

No... Abreu's headed for a sophomore slump.

It's one of the eternal laws of the sport.

I don't know, bro.

Those Cubans play by their own rules.

Then go ahead and draft him, but don't come bitching to me when he goes 0 for April.

[Text alert]

Oh, do you want me to get that?

Yes, please.

Text from Theresa, the apartment fell through.

Aw, damn. That place was perfect.

Do you want me to text her back?

Yeah, write "bummer."

Looks a little cold.

Do you want me to send a frowny face, like you're really sad about it?

No. [Chuckles]

No, I don't do that.

Come on.

Emojis?

Everybody uses emojis, John.

Everybody uses emojis, John.

Oh, yeah, I don't use emojis.

Then you better get with the times.

Okay, well, let's just go old-school, traditional sad face.

Just go... uh, colon-parentheses. Call it a day.

Look, trust me, I've got something you'll like.

[Laughs]

What are you saying?

Ow, look at that crying panda.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Who would want to make a panda cry?

Aw, did someone take away your bamboo, bro?

I'll k*ll 'em.

Hey, you want me to text anything back, T?

Yeah.

What'd she write back?

"Hi, Hank."

[Laughs]

♪ Can I ride, can I ride ♪

T, I got to say, you and Johnny got it these days.

You got heat. Estan caliente.

I can feel it in the phone.

Oh, that's 'cause you left it in the sun.

Yeah, but nah, y'all look bona fide.

It's kind of true.

In a weird way I think almost getting married made us closer than actually getting married.

I've never been happier.

That's really sweet, T. Hey, can I date your sister?

What? Who?

Your sister Maeve, she's kind of short, got brown hair and these really sweet titties?

No, you don't want to date Maeve.

She is a terrible girlfriend.

Actually, she's been great. Oh, damn.

Seriously?

T.

Seriously?

Remember that day last week that was really pretty out?

Oh, no.

Let's pretend like I asked you if I could date her two weeks before that.

Was it the peanuts?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Please tell me you didn't try to cure a peanut allergy with peanuts.

My herbalist told me about it.

You give yourself a little bit of the allergen every day and slowly increase the dosage.

Your herbalist is full of sh*t.

This is a beautiful place.

How much do you pay, if you don't mind me asking?

Oh, I own it.

Nice.

How much did that set you back, if you don't mind me asking?

No idea.

My parents got it for me as part of my trust fund.

I'm refurbishing the building.

When you're not trying to k*ll yourself?

I climbed k2, I think I can conquer a peanut allergy.

What's k2?

It's the second-highest mountain in the world.

Maybe you should climb Everest before you try to tackle peanuts.

Yeah, you don't want to mess with allergies.

I'm allergic to bee stings.

It's not deadly, but I keep an EpiPen around just in case.

Probably good advice for you.

Hey, how you feeling?

Better.

Much better.

I'm gonna be right back with some paperwork.

You're gonna be fine.

I've got a cousin who swells up like a balloon any time he has shallots.

You'd be surprised how many things have shallots in them.

Actually, I wouldn't.

I got pretty heavy into shallots about six months ago when I was in Indonesia.

I got to say, compared to onions, their flavonoid levels are off the charts.

Hank, this guy knows shallots.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, sorry.

Can I borrow you for a second?

Yeah.

So what can you tell me about shallots?

Everything.

Hmm?

Whoa.

And it's for rent, and it's perfect for Theresa and me.

Dude.

Look at the natural light.

Uhhuh.

Got a great kitchen, huge bedroom, a tub big enough for me.

I don't fit in just any tub, John.

I want this apartment.

Not a chance. I found it.

You can come visit, but this apartment belongs to me.

That's my tub.

Okay, that's Theresa's tub, but should I choose to take a bath, I'm taking it in that tub.

This apartment has so much potential, and you are gonna squander it.

You're a squanderer.

Theresa and I are gonna have so much sex in here.

I can hear it now. Hey, peanut... hey, baby.

I don't hear nothing.

Demolition Man.

Too loud.

The Artist?

Too quiet. Fast and Furious.

Too Vin Diesel.

XXX: State of the Union.

Way too Vin Diesel.

The Pacifier.

Not Vin Diesel enough.

Vin Diesel.

Vincent Diesel.

You know who I feel bad for?

I feel bad for that apartment.

That is one sexy apartment, John.

That apartment deserves to have sex in it every single night.

We are having plenty of sex.

It's just more spaced out than it used to be.

Tell that to the apartment.

Got to take that apartment to dinner.

Got to wine and dine that apartment.

Make that apartment feel special.

You know, I've actually given this a lot of thought.

Before Theresa and I moved in together, we would have a ton of sex, and then we'd break up and wouldn't see each other for months.

Then we'd get back together and make up for lost time.

So if you factor in all the break-ups and the down time, we're having exactly the same amount of sex we've always had.

Yeah.

I actually worked out the calculations.

Oh.

Works out perfectly.

You know who calculates how much sex they're having?

Who?

People who aren't having sex.

Ha-ha.

People who sit on the couch watching Netflix, eating Ben and Jerry's every single night.

You're not gonna get to me, 'cause I actually love living with Theresa.

For two years, I tried to not do it, and it turns out she was right. It's awesome.

Besides, sex is overrated.

I mean, look at me and Voodoo.

We're perfectly happy in our platonic relationship.

Oh, just rub it in my face, Brian.

I didn't do that on purpose, Gabby.

You could be so much happier with me.

I don't know. I'm pretty happy.

Well, give me 48 hours.

Damn.

Damn is right, Hank.

Damn is right.

First of all: Holy sh*t.

Second of all: Don't compare me to whatever's going on with you and Voodoo.

You're dating an asexual.

You literally never have sex.

Okay, no, we don't have sex, per Se.

But what we do have is actually far more beautiful.

In a way, I don't even miss the sex.

Me and Voodoo, we have this intense soul connection that goes far beyond the physical.

We... we're operating on a higher plane and just...

Gosh, I'm just... I'm masturbating all the time.

I mean, just... just constantly.

It's bad, guys.

I mean, I'm not proud of it.

I just... I really... I don't know what to do.

See? Just like I said.

People can kid themselves, but there is no substitute for sex.

And that's why I'm the happiest guy on the rig,

'cause I'm having sex damn near every night.

I've actually been meaning to talk to you about something, Hank, and you've just given me the perfect opportunity.

Do you remember after Jeff the chef's wedding, you said you might be interested in settling down?

I was emotional. I said a lot of things.

Mm-hmm.

You specifically asked us to call you out if you fell back into a pattern of meaningless hook-ups.

Johnny, have you been detecting a pattern?

I have indeed, my friend.

Yeah.

Just because you two are having sex-free relationships, don't try to drag me down, too.

I'm having sex.

It's just more spaced out than it used to be, okay?

Mm-hmm, mm.

Which he likes.

Just...

[Laughs]

Soy caramel Frappuccino.

Thanks, dude.

Hey, I'm sorry I've been so low energy.

I've just been having a lot of late nights lately, and it's starting to take its toll.

What have you been doing?

Ah, I probably shouldn't get into it.

Everything all right?

Mm, mm-hmm.

I've just been having a lot of sex with your sister.

It's basically, like, constant.

Like, how much sex?

I probably shouldn't talk about this.

Hey, I mean, I think we need to set up some ground rules.

You know, like, some boundaries when it comes to that kind of talk.

You know, you're my partner, but I'm dating your sister, so I feel like we should really try to keep things above board.

Like, I feel that any personal information of that sort should stay strictly off-limits from here on out.

It's between myself and Maeve and no one else.

Six times a week.

No, seven.

Wait, last week it was ten.

It's amazing, T. I'm so happy.

We had sex outside last night.

Maeve had sex outside?

Mm-hmm, right under the stars.

That is so weird, because as a kid, she wouldn't even go camping.

She didn't want to get her clothes dirty.

She wasn't wearing no clothes, T.

It was crazy, the moonlight bouncing off her perfect ass.

Her ass, ayo mio. Okay.

That butt is like a peach...

All right.

But the ripest, most delicious peach you've ever tasted, T.

Like, I'm sorry, I wish I could describe it better to you.

Shut up, Billy.

We need to have sex right now.

Yeah.

[Long satisfied sigh] What prompted that?

I just felt like we were due, you know?

Yeah, totally.

Did you feel like we were due, too?

No, not really, anyway.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I just think maybe, uh, we should have sex outside sometime.

Really?

Yeah, why not?

No reason.

Okay, let's put that on the list.

Let's do it right now.

Now?

Mm-hmm. If you can go again.

I can always go again.

Let's go.

I just...

I just don't know if now, n-now, now, now is the best time.

Oh, right, you're saying no after everything that I did for you.

I think that we did stuff for each other.

Uh-huh.

Yuh-huh.

Granted, you did a lot of the legwork.

Yeah.

And the arm work.

And...

Yeah, and...

Yeah.

Okay, yeah. Let's do this, but just not in the backyard because the neighbor's cat sh*t back there.

You feel like we operate on, like, a higher plane, right?

Uh, what do you mean?

I don't know.

You mean the fact that we can be intimate with each other without having sex?

Yes.

If that's what you mean by "operate on a higher plane," then yeah, sure.

Great.

So when we're not together, like after I leave, do you just stay on that... that higher plane?

Or do you ever slide down to, like, a... a lower plane, like down below, or...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I love that we operate on a... a metaphysical level, but I also operate on a physical level with myself.

Do you do... do you do that?

Get physical with your... With yourself?

Are you asking if I masturbate?

Yes, yes I am, because I do it all the time, and I just need to know where you're at with that.

I do sometimes, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Good, because I just needed to kn... I... thank you so much.

That makes me feel so much better.

You're welcome. Phew.

Yeah.

Right?

Out of the way.

Oh, done with that convo.

So what do you think about when you... when you're doing it?

I don't really think about anything. It's just for the physical sensation.

And, no, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.

Great, great.

I... me, neither.

I'm... I'm great at it.

What about over there?

Oh, too loud.

What about over there?

Uh, too quiet.

What about on that roof?

Ooh, too Vin Diesel.

[Laughs]

Well, nothing's gonna be perfect, John.

That's kind of the point.

So let's go and do it over in that field, huh?

Oh, I don't know. Hmm.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

You're being weird.

I'm not being weird.

You are being weird.

I'm a cop, I know when people are being weird.

Well, apparently not this time.

Tell me.

Tell you what?

Or there's not gonna be any more pancake Saturdays.

What? You can't take away pancake Saturdays.

So, tell me. Tell me.

Sandy handy.

Can't hear ya.

Sandy handy.

I've never told anybody this before.

Told anybody what?

High school, sophomore year, Spring Break, I meet this girl on a beach, and she gives me my first rub and tug.

Yeah?

Yeah.

She's got sand all over her hand.

And as you can imagine, that does not feel good.

But I'm trying to be nice.

I try to just, like, go with it for a while.

Mm-hmm.

The chafing gets so bad.

And on top of it, I think she's got sunblock on her hands.

No! No!

It starts burning like crazy, and I just start screaming so loud.

I scare that poor girl half to death.

Oh, you poor thing.

And then all the sudden, this group of seniors on a hotel balcony start laughing their asses off.

Turns out they were watching the whole thing, and they start screaming,

"Sandy handy!

Sandy handy!"

No! Oh, God.

Holy sh*t.

I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life.

That was the last time I ever did anything like that outside.

So now you know.

Honestly, John, I am perfectly happy with our sex life.

Good, me too.

I mean, the only reason I said anything in the first place was because Billy told me that he and Maeve had sex outside the other day.

Yeah, I think I was just being weirdly competitive with them.

I mean, who cares if we're having sex less than we used to, right?

We don't have sex less than we used to.

It's the same amount. It's just more spaced out.

Okay.

No, it's not okay.

We're having the same amount of sex.

I worked it out.

Okay.

Everything's okay.

Why do you say it like it's not?

Be honest with me, do you think our sex life has gotten boring?

No.

I feel like you hesitated.

Did I?

I don't know, did you?

I love you.

Our sex life is perfectly fine.

Fine.

Oh, stop.

Then pick better words.

So am I gonna see you again?

My best friend lives in the building.

Definitely.

Oh, right.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Wow, it's gonna be awkward if we stop hooking up.

Oh, not for me, it won't.

Oh, not for me, either.

I was just saying that to be nice.

Hey, speaking of Johnny, what do you say we don't mention this to him and Theresa for the time being?

What, are you ashamed of me?

Of course not.

I'm ashamed of the things I'm gonna do to you.

Oh.

[Chuckling]

Mmm.

What things?

What you want, a spreadsheet? You gonna find out.

[Laughs]

Sandy handy, man.

That sounds traumatic.

I know.

I actually think I understand Johnny a little better now, like what makes him tick.

Really? How?

Well, you know, I mean, a girl jerked him off with sand on her hand, and now he's a pretty cool dude.

And you think those two things are related?

Absolutely.

Hmm.

Well, maybe not, you know?

♪ Sandy, Sandy, Sandy handy ♪

♪ Yo, yo, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, handra ♪

Oh, you can't tell anyone I told you about that.

Of course not, T.

Sandy handy, that is awesome.

Oh, babe, I just remembered.

I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

Well, obviously you have to tell me.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Oh, and we have to tell Cash.

Tell me what?

Back in the w*r, I had sex in a rice paddy with this fine little Vietnamese woman.

Whoo, I knew it was dangerous, but I was young and in love, and you couldn't tell me nothing.

So we're laying there, doing our thing in the rice.

All of a sudden, I heard a g*nsh*t.

Pow! sh*t right in the ass.

Viet Cong?

No, worse, her husband.

[Laughter]

Oh, look who it is! It's Sandy handy!

All: Sandy handy! Sandy handy!

All: Sandy handy!

Sandy handy!

Very nice.

Well, word travels quickly, huh?

All: Sandy handy! Sandy handy!

Thank you.

Thank you all for this.

Hello?

Hey, listen to this.

All: Sandy handy!

Sandy handy!

Oh, no.

Why would you tell anyone that story?

I don't know.

Uh, it slipped out?

But, hey, it's a cool story.

I mean, it makes you sound cool.

You were getting hand jobs at 15.

I hope it doesn't become a nickname.

Paging Sandy handy.

Oh, my God. Bye.

Ambulance needed, 428 Schoville.

Witnesses...

Let's go, Sandy.

Oh. You...

Paramedics.

Paramedics. You want this one, Sandy?

Bite me, and yes.

Hello?

Down here!

Hello?

Whoa, what happened here?

What does it look like?

I have no idea.

Let me take a s*ab at it.

And it got out of hand.

Yeah, pretty much.

Superman was coming to rescue you from an arch-Nemesis, say, Lex Luthor, and he got hit with a little kryptonite, right?

No, he got hit with the fan.

He tried to jump off the dresser.

He's breathing, just out cold.

Hey, bro.

Oh, he's gonna be fine.

There you go, buddy. Hi.

Welcome back.

Hey, how long have you two been together?

Oh, about two years, right, honey?

Yeah.

We just moved in together.

Don't try to draw a parallel.

I know what you're doing. Oh, cautionary tale, John.

Cautionary tale.

My only question is how you managed to call 911 with your hands tied.

Hey! Is he okay?

He's okay, Gary!

We let him watch sometimes.

Oh.

Can I ask you a question? Why superman?

First of all, I'm not superman.

I'm super-Jim.

But you have a red cape.

Clearly there's a superman influence.

With a subtle nod to the flash.

I made him the costume.

Girl, superman is vanilla.

If I could date a superhero, I would date Batman.

He's rich, he's mysterious, he has issues. That's a good time.

Batman doesn't have any special powers. neither does he.

He's got a point, hon.

Maybe next time, I can be Batman.

See, I was thinking Aquaman.

Oh, I like it.

Aquaman's, like, the lamest superhero of all time.

He doesn't have to come up for air.

Oh.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Man, yeah.

Doctor'll be here any second.

You know, um...

Let me ask you something.

Was it really worth it?

What do you mean?

Come on. You're about to get an MRI dressed as a superhero.

Is all this costume sh*t worth the hassle?

Hey, I got a girlfriend who's into superheroes.

And in case you couldn't tell, she's a little out of my league.

Your girlfriend's smoking hot.

So if I have to do some weird stuff from time to time to keep her happy, am I gonna do that?

Mm-hmm.

Hell, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you are.

I suck it up.

I literally suck it up to get this ridiculous costume over my extremely average physique.

I mean, I got a nice ass, but I got bird legs.

I think you look great.

I'm skinny-fat.

No, I think you look great.

Thank you, but I look like Kevin bacon had sex with a rabbit.

That's true.

You have a lady?

Yeah, I got a lady.

Then you know what I'm talking about.

You can't be Clark Kent every day.

Sometimes you have to man up and step into the phone booth.

You're right.

Where does superman change now?

You know, I was thinking about that the other day.

Yeah.

Probably, like, a porta potty.

Probably, right? That makes sense.

Yeah.

Okay. You know, we don't actually have to do this if you're uncomfortable, okay, John?

No, and I like it. It's kind of primal.

Right? Like we're in the garden of Eden.

Yeah.

Like I'm Eve, and you're Adam.

Yeah, watch out for the snake.

Ooh, oh.

[Giggling]

Ow, did you pinch it? Ow.

No, you told me you don't like that.

Ow, no, just wait a second.

No, come on... ow.

I think it was a bee.

What?

Ah!

Really?

A bee just stung my d*ck.

Where's your EpiPen?

It's at home.

Oh. Ow.

It's really swelling, too.

I know, I got to call Hank.

I don't want to... I don't want to call Hank.

Oh, it's okay. My mom's got an EpiPen.

We'll call her.

Yeah, hey, Theresa, think about that for a second.

Call Hank.

Yeah.

They actually have to be harvested by pigs, much like the truffle.

Hmm.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Hank, I need you to get an EpiPen and get to Porter's park.

What the hell happened?

I got stung by a bee somewhere very sensitive.

How sensitive?

Just hurry up, please.

Did you get stung by a bee on your d*ck?

Look, I don't want to talk about it.

Just get down here, please.

Oh. I got to go.

Did you say a bee...

I'll be back.

I mean, it's really swelling.

I know. I know.

It's huge.

You're, like, superdick.

I like that.

Yeah.

Think you can get that nickname to stick?

Oh, that Sandy handy thing has really caught on, huh?

Not yet, but it's getting there.

Ow.

We should get a photo.

No, no, no, no. Don't.

Shh.

Don't... okay, just real quick.

You're being a baby. It's just a bee.

Just real quick.

All right.

Okay.

It doesn't fit in the screen.

No, no, that's t... you got to go for the high angle.

High angle, high angle.

Everybody knows, high angle.

d*ck selfies.

Ow.