06x05 - Even The Losers

[bunniefuu]

[ Door closes ]

Oh, Trav's here.

I love it when he gets off work 'cause his whole body smells like [Sniffs] coffee.

Yeah, you know what else smells like coffee?

Your cup of coffee, which makes me think this weird hug isn't about my smell.

Okay.

Need a stir stick?

Got one.

I also have infinity!

Ah, stealing work supplies-- classic move.

Supply closet's overstocked.

I'm just helping 'em clear space.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm saving a fortune on napkins.

Oh, no. We're out of sweetener.

[ Gasps ] My boy is resourceful!

Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

Andy?

Hello?

This is what happens when he overdoses on sad.

First, he lost Bobby, then his job.

Now maybe his wife.

You guys are amateurs. Watch out.

♪ Andy, Andy ♪
♪ everyone knows he's dandy ♪
♪ he's such a good dude who's never rude ♪
♪ FYI, I look great in the nude ♪
♪ but back to my friend with the great attitude ♪
♪ let's all hear it for Andy ♪

[ Chord plays ]

[ Weakly ] Song. Cute.

Ellie: I've never seen him this down.

It's gotten to the point that I actually-- what's that word?

"Care"?

He looks like a cross between my childhood Saint Bernards and a Cuban eeyore.

He even bailed on teaching Stan's music class this week.

Andy teaches music?

He used to shake maracas in his stand-up act to punctuate any joke that didn't work.

He shook them quite a lot.

Okay, look, buddy, so, you lost Bobby, and you lost your job, okay, but you're still the mayor of Gulfhaven.

No one can take that away.

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Beep ]

This is Mayor Torres.

What do you mean, "Former Mayor Torres"?

I see.

[ Thud ]

Remember how I always thought you were crazy for how you loved Travis so much, you wanted to shrink down and live inside his blood?

I am so sorry. I totally get that now!

I'm so glad.

You know, sometimes I still sneak in Travis' room and watch him sleep.

Travis and I live together.

I've said too much.

Can you believe my boss almost tossed out these old aprons?

Luckily, I rescued them for us to use.

For what? - We could swaddle little baby Bobby with them.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Trav is so resourceful.

It's basically one step above dumpster diving.

Exactly-- a step above. That's even better.

Jules, it reminds me of... Bobby.

And you know I love me some Bobby Cobb, but the guy who sees a half-eaten taco on the beach and says, "Sand snack, score!"

Is not exactly the ideal financial partner when you have a baby.

Maybe you could say something to him.

Relax.

Travis is nothing like Bobby.

I mean, sure, he has the Cobb instincts, but he uses them in much smarter ways.

50 broken coffee sleeves-- score.

There's no music class this week because Stan's daddy is, um...

Well, he's going through some things, so we don't have a music teacher.

[ Door closes ]

You do now!

Who?

Oh, uh, I'm Grayson.

Um, yeah, uh, Stan's mom's best friend's husband.

His eyes are so tiny.

[ Laughter ]

So, the city council just stripped you of your mayorship out of the blue?

They said I lost public support.

How could that have happened?

You did fall asleep a lot in those town-hall meetings.

My chair was too comfortable.

And at that ribbon-cutting ceremony, you accidentally cut that guy's finger off with the giant scissors.

His doctor sewed it back on.

[ Sighs ]

I've lost my Bobby, lost my job. Now I've lost my mayorship.

I have nothing.

There was the scandal over your leaked d*ck pic.

That was a picture of me with a guy named d*ck!

That headline was misleading!

Boom.

Wow, is that a--

Everlasting Cobb-gobbler.

Bobby's fridge-raiding masterpiece.

Oh, by the way, you're out of turkey, cheese, mustard, bread--

Basically everything that goes in a sandwich.

You're really going all in on this new resourceful,

"slightly bordering on hobo" thing.

All part of the plan. I'm trying to save for the future.

Oh, Trav, that's great.

Well, yeah. I got a family now.

What did you think I was doing, freeloading?

You know what? I'm really impressed.

I'm going to pitch in to your savings and help you with your future.

Mom.

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

[ Gasps ] This puts me over the top.

The top of what?

The thing I've been saving for!

What is this?

My future!

Huh?

Not so--

Man, it just sat in the parking lot with a for-sale sign all month.

I'm so lucky no one grabbed it before me.

Super lucky.

You don't usually break out Big Chuck this early in the day.

Are you okay?

Great.

Just switching things up a little bit.

You know, it's like having breakfast for dinner.

Mmm!

Now, about this van, I mean, it really is a super-cool idea for the future.

I mean, it's like the perfect plan.

I haven't told you the plan.

Great, cause I do not understand it.

I think I've found an untapped market that, if properly assessed, may be poised... to explode.

Okay, I get it.

It's like you have a huge pile of dynamite, and you just lit the fuse. I can see it right now-- I still haven't told you the idea.

Great, 'cause I still don't understand it.

I'm gonna show you.

And, mom, trust me, this isn't some, like, get-rich-quick plan.

Oh, like your dad's idea for the reverse microwave, where it makes the food cold?

Reverse microwave's a good idea in a world where a freezer doesn't exist.

Mom... [ Sighs ] you believe in me, right?

Of course.

[ Both laugh ]

You think you maybe want to put on some pants today?

Pants are for closers. I'm a bum.

What are you doing?

I always do that. It turns me on.

Ooh! Ooh!

What is it?

I was thinking about how you lost your mayor's job.

Stupid city council impeached me.

Do you think you have any enemies on the city council?

Well, there is that rich jerk, Roger Frank, who hates me and wants to destroy me.

Wait, you don't think he turned the council against me?

It did seem weird that you were impeached just days after you were fired, so I called your old company, and it turns out they just signed a new, huge client-- Dustybear Financial.

Guess who owns Dustybear Financial.

Roger Frank?!

He's behind every bad thing that's happened to me!

Well, except for Bobby leaving.

Well, it may be a coincidence, but you know that golf club in Georgia that hired Bobby?

Guess who their wealthiest member is.

[ Groans ]

Aah!

I like what I'm seeing here. [ Chuckles ]

You. You remind me of me at your age.

I'm gonna call you "the little lady-k*ller."

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Chuckles ]

And you seem nice.

And dangerous.

[ Chuckles ] Play on, playboy.

And I'm gonna call you "Prius," because your style is electric.

[ Chuckles ]

Hear you guys got a little music recital coming up, huh?

Let's, uh, check out the playlist.

"Hot Cross Buns," uh, Snoozeville. [ Chuckles ]

I thought you guys were gonna drop some funky beats, you know?

Like C+C Music Factory?

Boyz II Men?

ABC? BBD?

It's the East Coast family.

[ Groans ]

Whoa.

You guys know nothing about the greatest era in music history?

That's it. I am taking you to school.

We are at school.

Figure of speech, Prius.

Okay, so here's my business idea.

You're in your 20s, early 30s.

I love it!

That was a hypothetical, but I like your energy. [ Chuckles ]

You and your friends are going out for a wild night.

What do you do for a ride?

Call Tom.

Okay, we're having some problems with hypotheticals.

I'll move on. You call a cab.

But cabs are boring, and you and your g*ng want a memorable night, so instead of calling a lame cab, you call...

...The Mystery Machine from "Scooby-Doo"!

Travis, this is great!

Oh, The Mystery Machine!

I always wanted to hang around in that van-- maybe try my luck with Old Velma.

You mean Daphne?

I know what I like.

Okay, well, Tom loves it too, and he's a brain surgeon.

Travis, you're a genius.

I think I can have this thing up and running in three months.

What are you, crazy? [ Laughs ]

We're gonna take this puppy out on the road now!

Wow. [ Laughs ] Um, thanks, mom.

I am just so psyched for this.

Andy: I am so psyched for this!

What are you working on?

Taking an untapped market by storm.

And you?

Raining savage fires of revenge on Andy's mortal enemy.

Cool. Have fun.

Street kids, you know what I'm saying?

So they put it together to become Ronnie, Bobby...

[ Imitating Sprinkler ]

Yeah.

[ Off-key recorders playing ]

No, no, no, no!

You got to play with your heart.

You got to feel it.

And why wear them backwards?

Yes, because inside-out is wiggity, wiggity wack.

We are so fly!

[ Triangle playing ]

[ Recorders playing ]

Yeah! Huh?!

Now, that is one def ja-a-m! Ha ha!

We are going to crush this recital!

All: Tiny Eyes! Tiny Eyes! Tiny Eyes!

Whoo! Hey, everybody, let me see. Yeah, back and forth.

This is old-school. It's how you did it.

Uh-huh.

Shore: - Mr. Ellis, Mr. Ellis, this is Mr. Danner.

He is the lead soprano in the Gulfhaven Glee Club.

[ Chuckles ]

Kind of a nerd.

[ All groan ]

So, we hired him as our full-time music teacher, so we don't need you anymore.

No, but the recital.

N-no, but thank you.

But our jam is def.

All right, do you have enough for the repairs?

'Cause we got to get this baby rolling!

Bye.

[ Beep ]

Get what baby rolling?

Your baby. [ Laughs ] Obviously.

Should be rolling by now.

Jules?

Okay, well, you told me that I should talk to Trav about being more responsible, so I did.

And then we bought this old van, and Trav's a genius, and Scooby-Doo, and you're gonna be rich.

Sweetie, I see that you are insanely excited about an old van and a plan from Travis that seems like the greatest idea of all time.

But it's not. You have your mom goggles on.

"Mom goggles"?

You know, it's like beer goggles.

You go to a club, you have a couple drinks, you meet a 9.9 whose 1/10 deduction is 'cause he's too hot, so you ride that train.

The next morning, you wake up next to a 2.1 with a hamster body and a gator face.

What?

[ Laughing ] Okay, Jules, honey, I can't step in now and crush his dreams, but just do me a favor.

The next time you two are getting so excited about this genius plan, I want you to take a step back, take off the mom goggles, and take another look,

'cause I think you're gonna be really surprised at what you see.

Roger Frank screwed you, and we're gonna screw Roger Frank.

Here's the plan.

We need the key to Roger's office, but the only time he lets it out of his sight is at his weekly massage.

The receptionist is a hard-ass, but I've arranged a distraction.

While I occupy the laundry attendant... you steal a uniform... slip into the room where Roger is zoned out post-massage... take the key... without being noticed.

Get to the window, where I'll be waiting.

I'll make a quick copy... then bring back the original... which you'll return to Roger... on your way out the door.

After a quick stop at my highly illegal fireworks contact, we'll have everything we need to take that bastard down.

Mm. Say goodnight, Roger.

[ Chuckles ]

What we're really selling is nostalgia.

I mean, this generation has a huge love of throwback themes, things that remind them of their childhood, so what we're doing here is...

Laurie: [ Echoing ] take off the mom goggles.

[ Muffled ] I like Scooby 'cause he's funny, and shaggy too, uh, but not really, and the mysteries they have to solve because of the ghosts.

Crap.

Shaggy goes, "Zoinks." [ Laughs ]

And when people see this thing on the road, they're just gonna--

Trav, stop.

This idea... It's terrible.

What are you talking about? We love this idea.

No, you love this idea, and you love it so much that you made me love it, too.

How many people do you know that would actually pay money to party on The Mystery Machine?

A lot of people.

There's Tom, my co-worker Sam-- he loves this idea.

And, uh...

Crap.

I'm an idiot.

Oh. No, you're not.

Come on.

Just because this idea isn't great doesn't mean the next one's not gonna be.

I believe in you.

Oh.

Oh, now we're out of wine.

I don't want to go all the way to the store to get it.

Why can't wine just appear whenever you want it to?

Bye.

Where are you going?

Uh, I just want to go look into something.

But I'll catch up with you later-- maybe when you're done sucking that cork.

Shut up. I don't do that.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Dang, sad pitt. Why the long face?

I was dropping mad knowledge on these shorties till this wangsta scrub came in and ganked my crew.

Oh, I was helping out with a children's music class till another teacher came in and took my spot.

I mean, me and the kids were having so much fun-- you know, really connecting.

And then this guy just came in and took over.

I feel you.

Back in my slut-around days, as soon as I would roll into a club, I would lock down the hottest beef on the grill.

If some club skank tried to snatch my catch, I would hog-tie the bitch with her own extensions, and I would take back my man! I would claim that "D"!

You know what I'm saying?

I really don't.

But I can't wait to hear how it ties in with children.

If you and the kids had such a great thing, why should you let another teacher step in and take over?

You're right!

That was my class.

I mean, I took those kids on a funky-fresh trip to 1990 and back.

You know what time it is?

Time to...

♪ pump up the jam ♪

Yay!

Roger Frank is gonna rue the day he took on Andy Torres.

Okay, remember, if we get made, we finger the council and say everyone's on the take.

Where did you learn all this cool con-man lingo?

What do you think? Law school paid for itself?

Now, then, it is time to serve Roger Frank and his Dustybear Financial a little slice of payback pie.

Dustybear Financial-- why does that sound familiar?

Boo! Don't let the payback pie get cold!

Right!

Oh, hey! Are you here for the show?

I don't know.

Grayson texted me and said,

"Come to the plaza for some" -- hold on--

"zoom, zoom, zoom, and a boom, boom."

[ Both laugh ]

I don't know what that is, so I brought some sweats and an apple, just in case.

Okay, I talked to Travis, and I tried to take off my mom goggles.

Business whiz, or mega nerd?

It took everything I could do not to give him a super wedgie.

Laurie, I'm so sorry I encouraged this terrible idea.

It's okay, honey.

It just shows how much you care, you know?

And I get it now.

Just this morning, I was changing Baby Bobby, and he caught me with a laser of pee right between the eyes, and all I could think was,

"That's amazing aim, little guy."

[ Gasps ] He's so talented!

Oh, wait. Do I have grandma goggles?

You have lots of different goggles, Jules.

But I love you for 'em.

Kids, you're gonna hit the last note of "Twinkle, Twinkle," and then-- kapow-- right into "Buns."

Hot-cross your own buns.

My class has a jam to pump.

You guys with me?!

All: - Yeah!

That guy is wack.

[ Laughs ]

All: Tiny Eyes! Tiny Eyes! Tiny Eyes!

I think revenge is a dish best served flaming.

Why did you do that? It was such a cool line.

The other day, you mentioned your Saint Bernards.

You had two, I believe. What were their names?

I don't think we ever got around to naming them.

Dusty and Bear?

I thought Dustybear Financial had an odd ring to it.

You made it up. Roger didn't get me fired.

And he didn't derail my mayorship.

I did, by being a sucky mayor.

The jig is up, sweetheart.

You baited me with an old newspaper, cooked up this plan, then ran me around on a wild-goose chase.

Why?

You were so down, and I-- I wanted to get that spark back.

What better way than blowing up someone's office?

But does it spoil all the fun we had to know I made it all up?

The fact that you made all this up for me is so much better than any revenge.

Boom.

[ Chuckles ]

Listen up.

So, Roger didn't fire you... but he is a total d-bag.

Yeah, tremendous d-bag.

Shall we?

Let's. Come on.

Hey! Laurie, mom!

I want to show you guys something.

I had an idea. Actually, something mom said gave me an idea.

So I took the van to...

Here, just come with me.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

Meet the Winebulance.

So, you're out of wine, but you don't want to go to the store, so you call Gulfhaven's only mobile wine bar.

What do you think?

This is the greatest idea ever!

Or the worst. Laurie?

I think it's great. No, really, Travis.

I-I-- actually, I think it's brilliant.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, hey. Here, take a flier.

I knew Travis was a genius!

God, you know what? I have to say, "You were right."

And you can really tell he's been working out.

Uh, you can't. He hasn't.

I mean...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Laughs ]

And next up, please welcome Ms. Corsino's first-grade class.

[ Applause ]

♪ everybody, dance now ♪

[ Rapping ]

♪ here is the dome ♪
♪ back with the bass ♪
♪ the jam is live in effect, and I don't waste ♪
♪ time on the mike with a dope rhyme ♪
♪ jump to the rhythm, jump, jump to the rhythm, jump ♪
♪ and I'm here to combine ♪
♪ beats and lyrics to make your shake your pants ♪
♪ take a chance, come on and dance ♪
♪ guys, grab a girl, don't wait, make her twirl ♪
♪ it's your world, and I'm just a squirrel ♪
♪ trying to get a nut to move your butt ♪
♪ to the dance floor, so, yo, what's up? ♪
♪ hands in the air, come on and say, "Yeah" ♪
♪ everybody over here, everybody over there ♪
♪ the crowd is live as I pursue this groove ♪
♪ party people in the house ♪
♪ everybody, dance now ♪

[ All ] Ho!

[ Weak applause ]

Let's leave before he sees us.

Yeah. Good idea.

[ Fireworks popping ]

Thank you for helping me through a very strange time in my life.

If this was all fake, how come you have an illegal-fireworks guy?

I'm a stay-at-home mom with a full-time nanny.

I get up to stuff.

And what goes well with an LA face?

It's an Oakland booty.

Jump around.

[ Laughter ]

Jump around. Jump around. Jump around.

Jump around-- Now stop!

Oh-ho, yeah.

Let's do this! Whoo!

Okay, and, uh, by a show of hands, who is down with the East Coast, and who's down with the West Coast?

[ Imitating Sprinkler ]

All the way around!

[ Laughs ]

[ Imitates whip ]