01x14 - Marriage, Counselor

[bunniefuu]

[Birds chirping]

Stupid birds... Waking up people with their stupid songs!

We got to get a cat.

I made coffee.

Oh, thanks.

What are you doing?!

Getting rid of your coffee so I can make good coffee.

What is wrong with how I make it?

Ah, you always use hazelnut.

Everyone in this house hates hazelnut!

Daniela drinks it every day.

She hates it, too.

She's just a better daughter than I am.

Your father likes it with hazelnut.

Well, he doesn't live with us, and he hasn't for almost 30 years.

Why can't you just respect your father?

Because I've never met the man!

I believe marriage is forever, Cristela.

That's great. I believe it too.

You know what's also forever?

The aftertaste of hazelnut!

You know, I can't talk to you when you haven't had your coffee.

Good morning, ama.

Really, is it?

Or is it just another lie, Daniela?

Hey, you want coffee?

No, thanks.

[Singsong voice] I'm making it.

Oh, yes, please.

Before you run out of here, Felix, we have to decide what we're gonna do for our date night.

Oh, there's something I want to do.

Mexico's playing a friendly with Honduras.

It will not be friendly.

We're not watching sports.

It's supposed to be romantic, like dancing?

No, come on, I don't want to do something stupid.

Hey, I read that the bowling alley is closing.

That would be romantic.

Oh, yes...

Bowling alleys scream romance.

Didn't they sh**t "the notebook" there?

It is the most wonderful place on earth because that's where Felix and I first met.

Oh, it's my favorite memory.

He was there to meet another girl, but then he saw me, and that's how our romance started.

You know what? Dancing doesn't sound so bad.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, it's gonna be so much fun!

Ooh!

Whoa! Whoa-oa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't you think it's the least bit suspicious that suddenly Felix wants to go dancing?

Why are you here? Don't you have to go to work?

Why do you suddenly want to go dancing?

It's... Nothing.

I just found out Lucia works there.

Oh, the girl who lost out on you.

Exactly. So I don't want you to feel awkward.

She wouldn't feel awkward.

She won...

Kinda.

There's really nothing you have to do?

You're always so busy.

Oh. Okay.

She's right, Felix. What's going on?

Okay, see, the thing is, is I was so blown away by how beautiful and funny and interesting you were...

are, are, still are.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm great.

Get on with it.

Well, I didn't really let her down easy like I said.

I kinda just dumped her.

So...

I would rather not bump into her.

Okay. I get it.

We're going.

Wait. What? Why?!

[elevator bell dings]

Hey, I'm back!

And I'm packing...

Doughnuts.

Hey, Veronica.

Oh, my favorite kind... lots.

[Chuckles]

Hi, Mrs. Culpepper.

Unh-unh. Ms. Price.

I'm gonna take enough from that guy.

I don't need to take his lousy name, too.

[Clears throat] Veronica.

Veronica's bitch.

What brings you here?

Isn't the daylight a problem for you people?

You left your wallet in the restaurant last night.

Somebody drew a moustache on your driver's license, and they changed the height to "ape-like."

Enjoy fixing that at the DMV.

[As Trent] Cristela, my office.

[Normal voice] Right away, sir.

So you two had dinner last night, mm?

Kissy, kissy. [Chuckles]

Grow up, Cristela. You're almost 50.

So, does that mean you two are back together?

Not even close.

We had dinner last night to go over the terms of the divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I like you two, and I just want the people I like to be happy.

None of which means anything to me.

The worst of it is, we never signed a prenup, so legally she can take half my stuff, and I like my stuff... both halves.

Hey, you should get her to sign a prenup now.

[Laughs]

Exactly what I was thinking.

I was kidding.

Well...

It's a bit of a long sh*t, but I drafted this this morning, so good luck.

Good luck... Convincing you that it won't work?

I know that you and my wife have become close, and she'd never expect a friend to try to trick her into signing it.

You do know what the word "friend" means, right?

[Doorbell rings]

Go away. We don't want any.

Huh. Are you sure?

It looks like you don't have any.

I'm sorry, Veronica.

Ama, be nice. This is a friend of mine.

Mm. She seems old to be your friend.

Mm.

[Sighs]

We have a pit bull at my house, but she's good, too.

So, what's this all about, your boss wants me to sign a prenup?

You know about that?

Well, it's not that hard to think like he does.

You just use half your brain and take your advice from your wallet or your penis.

Well, I don't carry either one of those, so...

He knows I'm not gonna sign that thing.

He's just playing games to stretch this whole divorce out.

Then just sign it.

I mean, you don't care about the money.

No, but he does, and I care about hurting him.

Wait a second.

Are you just doing this to stretch it out?

You know, I'm just admiring your living room, 'cause... it reminds me of a place I used to live for about nine years.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You are stretching!

Your marriage still means something to you, doesn't it?

Well, sure.

I-I took my vows barefoot in front of the earth goddess...

So that I could be connected to the soil and everything cosmic.

Do you still love him?

[Scoffs] As if.

Yes, you do! I knew it!

I swear to God, I had an Afghan just like that one.

[Laughs]

Unh-unh. Nope, no, unh-unh.

I am saving your marriage because I believe in "till death do us part."

Well, I could k*ll him, if that'd make it easier for you.

[Bowling pins clattering]

Felix: There she is.

You didn't tell me she was pretty.

Well, what'd you expect? I was in shape back then.

Let's go.

Felix: Hey, Lucia.

Uh, you... you probably don't even remember me...

Felix! Ah! Yeah. Oh! Oh!

[Laughs] Yeah.

She remembers you. Okay, she remembers you.

Hi.

I'm Daniela, Felix's wife... of many years.

I'm Lucia, a girlfriend for one... Very fun summer.

[Laughs]

Well, I'm glad that we bumped into you, because Felix just mentioned that there's something he wants to say to you.

Right, Felix?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

No, I just wanted to specifically apologize for, g-generally, whatever happened at the time.

I'm confused.

Oh, what he means to say is that he's sorry that he hurt you when you two broke up.

Did it crush you?

Is that why you still work in a bowling alley?

My father owns in this place, and, no, I-I wasn't hurt at all.

If anything, I was worried that Felix would still be angry at me for breaking up with him.

I'm sorry. What?

Yeah, but then I heard he found a rebound girl right after that.

I guess that's you.

It's our date night.

Daniela, I don't think you should put the groceries away when you're angry.

Why not?

Well... Sandwiches will be a challenge.

I'm sorry. I'm going through something with Felix.

Great! What?

No, it's just that m-my boss and his wife, they fight all the time, and I'm trying to get them to be more like you guys are...

Ha.

Normally.

You just got to get 'em to sit down and talk.

If the relationship is worth saving, then they'll want to communicate.

Oh. There you are, honey.

Don't speak to me.

I was hoping you'd have a chance to cool off...

During my long walk home.

Honey, I'm sorry I lied.

[Sighs] That's not it.

Okay, then I'm sorry b-because... I don't know why. I never know why.

Figure it out.

Daniela!

Aren't you the one that just said that good couples communicate?

And let's face it, if you're waiting for him to figure it out, we all know how long that could take.

Only people in this marriage get to speak.

Our life was a fairy tale because you picked me...

Not because you settled for me.

But I did pick you!

There were a lot of beautiful girls there.

It was "ladies get a game and a hot dog free night," remember?

W-wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm trying to catch up.

Um... So, what do you mean he settled for you?

Lucia dumped him. He didn't dump her.

And that changes the whole night, and everything that happened after!

Uh, okay, telenovela queen, take it back.

It doesn't really matter that your relationship was founded on a big lie.

It was barely a fib.

Cristela, don't help me.

Look, what's important is not how it started.

It's that it works now.

You see? Listen to Cristela.

Thank you.

I'm gonna remind you you said that.

You don't get it.

He stole a memory from me...

One that I really cherished...

That I'll never have back.

Cris, you were saying?

You can't be mad at him for something he can't fix.

Can I be disappointed?

Yeah, you can be disappointed.

Can we not have her be disappointed?

I'll get over this, Felix.

I just need a little time.

I don't know about you, but I feel great!

[Laughs]

I'm a relationship expert!

[Laughs]

The power was in me all along!

[Laughs]

Cristela: Sir, let me ask you a personal question.

Do you still love her?

That little hellcat.

[Sighs]

Tough as nails in the courtroom, soft as a pony's nose in the bedroom.

I'm sorry.

Am I making you uncomfortable?

I just blacked out for a second.

I'm back.

So, maybe...

Under better circumstances, y-you might want to stay married, maybe?

Maybe.

But she doesn't want to.

She signed the prenup.

She didn't.

This isn't a prenup, it's... it's a menu.

I don't know why I felt the need to put something in there.

I-I don't understand.

Sir, you gave me the answer I was looking for, and that's why I invited Veronica here so that we can talk about your issues.

What'd you do that for?

Well, I think any marriage is worth saving.

Veronica: Where's that hair-ball in the shape of a human?

Even this one.

So, I thought...

The real problem with you two...

Is that you don't communicate.

I do.

I tell her all the time that she's the worst person that ever lived.

Meh, meh, meh, me-me-me-me-me, meh.

This is pointless!

If losing half my stuff is the price I got to pay to get rid of her, then I'll pay it.

Sir, I know that's just a bluff.

You yourself told me you want to stay married.

No, not to her!

[Sighs]

So...

You do care.

Look who just exposed his soft underbelly!

Ha ha!

Okay, Veronica, now that you know that he doesn't want to get divorced, how do you really feel?

Like I've got the upper hand.

[Sighs]

Nice job, Cristela.

Maybe it would help if you told Veronica some of the nice things you told me.

Well, I would, but...

I'm scared.

Come on...

Who's a brave boy?

Me.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

I like to talk...

Big issues with her.

I mean, th-there's nobody else around who can challenge me as much as she can.

He's challenged, all right.

Will you shut up?!

What are you saying to me?!

You seem to only respond to anger!

I do not!

Yes, you do!

[Sighs]

Now say something nice to Mr. Culpepper!

Despite what he wants the world to believe, h-he's actually a decent person.

He's very smart.

He's very funny.

Sir?

She's tough...

Passionate.

Remember that time in Hawaii when security came to our door?

Oh, I-I was quiet as a mouse.

[Chuckling] It was you that got loud.

As if!

See?

Mm.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

[Sighing] No.

Now can you admit that you don't want to get divorced either, keeping in mind...

He already did?

I guess.

Okay.

Wouldn't you like to continue this conversation, hmm?

Maybe over dinner, hmm?

Without me?

Hopefully?

Thanks, Cristela.

You're welcome.

[Sighs]

Veronica...

Would you care to come dine with me?

I'd be delighted.

All right! Doughnuts!

Oh, yeah.

The elevator stopped on the second floor, and nobody was around, and boom, we got doughnuts.

[Laughs]

What a beautiful morning.

It's, uh, pouring rain, sir.

[Chuckles] Well, then make it stop.

Oh, I'm in a great mood!

Somebody's got a spring in his step.

[Chuckles]

Either you and Veronica made up or someone stole a lollipop from a child.

Matter of fact, we almost k*lled each other before we even reached the car.

I don't get it.

Then... why are you so happy?

We came to a couple of realizations last night.

One is that we want to stay married.

That's great, sir.

And the other one is that we're only gonna get together for the occasional Booty call.

Morning!

What's wrong with you?

I feel like I failed Veronica and your father.

What?! No, they're not getting a divorce.

Isn't that a good thing?

But a married couple should... should live together.

Aw, you are so old-fashioned!

[Laughs]

Hello! You know?

It's the twentieth century. [Laughs]

It's the twenty-first.

But go on...

Dispense your wisdom.

Cristela...

A good marriage is what's best for the people in it.

You know, if being together means always being apart, well... Then sometimes it's just nice knowing that there's someone out there that's connected to you...

That you're not alone.

That... actually made sense.

I...I give things a lot of thought.

Morning, ama.

There's coffee.

Really?

Ama, wait!

You might want to taste it first.

Why?

Just taste it, you nasty woman.

Hazelnut.

Yep.

Why?

'Cause that's how your husband likes it.

[Sighs]

I think he liked hazelnut.

Maybe it was honey.

What's this?

And don't say "an envelope."

Open it.

"This entitles you to ten couples' dance lessons at the Broes Academy. Learn to express yourself with your body."

Felix...

Is this what I think it is?

Every date night for the next ten weeks.

I may have destroyed a memory, and I can't do anything about that.

But I can create new ones, right?

Such a fairy tale.

Now, who should I take as my partner?

Thank you.

Hey, you remember what else we did that night?

Mm, it was six months after that night, but, yes, I remember.

And in six months, we'll do it again.

[Sighs]

Cristela, what are you doing?

Nothing.

You know you've ruined marriage for me.

'Cause I'm not willing to settle for anything less than what you guys have.