06x08 - This One's For Me

[bunniefuu]

Just a heads-up-- starting tomorrow, my bar will be closed for a week.

Did someone finally get sick from eating the food?

Or is it smelling the food?

I think the smell is worse than the taste.

My bar is clean, okay?

This is just some routine maintenance.

The place is crawling with bugs.

It's just some termites.

Jules, seriously? I told you that in confidence.

Are you sure you didn't tell me with confidence?

[ Firmly ] "I have termites."

Have I ever said anything to you in secret that you didn't immediately tell everyone?

Hmm? I think I have my answer. Thanks.

Oh, well, you're welcome, babe.

If bug boy's bar is gonna get circus-tented, who's gonna pour our drinks?

Hey, guys.

Tom... hold and pour.

[ Wine pouring ]

Mm.

You know it's 9:00 AM, right?

Already? Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Why does Grayson have a picture of P!nk on his bathroom mirror?

'Cause he's trying to get her abs.

Mm.

Were you snooping up there?

That's preposterous.

You were.

You only talk like the queen when you're hiding something.

Beg pardon, milady?

Mm.

Hey, guys.

Wow. Jelly, you look ridiculous.

Is this a gift for me? I love it.

No, it was a gift for me from my Uncle Doug, whose passion for fine women's clothing made him an expert tailor-- and also ruined his marriage.

Jules, my giant thing of sprinkles is missing from my shop again. Did you take it?

[ Cockney accent ] I beg your pardon, milady?

[ Normal voice ] Sorry.

Sometimes I like to pour it in my wine and pretend it's my birthday.

Look at you, Jelly.

Wardrobe-matched baby on one arm, big tub of sprinkles in the other.

You look white trash enough to be Kid Rock's mom.

I don't even wanna tell you how many ways that is super disturbing.

So why were you snooping anyway?

Are you eating sprinkles and wine like some sort of new hobo cereal?

[ Door closes ]

Want some?

What I wanna know is why Grayson has been leaving at 9:00 AM every day this week with no mention of where he's going, carrying a weird duffel bag, and then returning three hours later looking strangely happy.

How have I not noticed that?

Who can know, really?

[ Door opens and closes ]

But it's been three hours. Take note.

[ Chuckles ] Hey, guys. Great day, huh?

That is strange.

You ever think there's a termite that's like, "Guys, why are we eating wood? Wood sucks.

Let's eat food."

Are you working on your stand-up act?

Nah. Just chitchattin'.

Unless that was gold. Was that gold? I think that was gold.

Fellas! Just got a belated baby present.

A few of the old co-workers from Coffee Bucks chipped in, got me this gift card.

Oh, that was generous, considering you were lazy, obnoxious, and your coffee drinks tasted like roast dirt.

Yeah, but they never had bugs.

Dude, that is low.

This is not a gift card. It's a bank card.

You can use this anywhere.

For $300! Wow!

Yeah, Laurie's gonna be stoked.

W-- Trav.

Your old co-workers just gave you a $300 gift that Laurie doesn't know about, has no way of ever hearing about, and you're house gonna hand it over to her for diapers and butt wipes?

Seems to me that you're the butt wipe.

Once again, it's time for me to take you by the hand and guide you to the ways of--

Don't hold my hand.

No one ever wants to hold hands around here!

Hey, is Jules here? I'm missing a bag of frosting.

I'm sure she's enjoying a big glass of frosting wine.

Are you seriously dressed alike again?

Well, when we saw how much you enjoyed our outfits the other day, I went out and bought, like, 50 more.

Baby B and I are gonna be all match, all the time.

We're even wearing the same unisex cologne--

"Both" by Bruce Jenner.

You can't decorate your child to match you.

It's a baby, not an accessory.

Or is it both?

You think you're being super clever?

You're being super annoying.

Or--

Don't!

Am I?

Stop it.

Both.

[ Gasps ] I...

Trav, in every happy relationship, there is one common element-- a woman who gets what she wants when she wants it all the time without exception.

Well, that doesn't sound happy to me.

Well, that's because you're young and stupid, but I'm here to help.

In every relationship disagreement, there are two possible outcomes.

One-- the woman wins, and there's harmony.

Two-- the man wins, and there appears to be harmony, but in reality, the woman secretly resents that win.

Then I saw the light-- everything's better when the woman always wins.

So the man never wins?

Well, he can win, but he has to do it in the shadows with silent victories.

[ Whispers ] Secret treats.

[ Normal voice ] I love marshmallows, but Ellie won't let me have them.

So what do I do?

Fine. What do you do?

I keep secret marshmallow stashes-- in my house, in my car, all over town.

Always close enough to grab whenever I want one.

Right now you could just reach out and...

That's harmony-- a woman who always wins and a man who doesn't mind because he has... [ Whispers ] ...secret treats.

Okay, you don't have to keep whispering it.

I know. I like to.

There must be something you want, something she doesn't want you to have.

Go get it. She won't know. Everyone wins.

You did it!

I've wanted this for months, but Laurie hates video games.

Come on! Let's go to your house and play.

My house? Are you crazy? Ellie can't see me playing this.

We can't play at my house.

So I just indirectly lied to Laurie and blew my gift card on a treat I can't enjoy?

Well, see ya.

Hey, babe. [ Chuckles ]

Hi. Where you been?

Oh, just out running some errands, met the exterminators.

Boring stuff. Hmm.

[ Lowered voice ] Right on time.

Yeah, and he's all happy and smiley.

It's not like him.

It's all a bit strange.

I-I need to prep.

I got totally slammed by the happy hour rush yesterday.

All right, when he comes back down, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

[ Descending footsteps ]

[ Gasps ] My husband! Yay!

My wife! Cool! [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, I have to run to the bar for a few things before they fumigate.

I'll be back in a bit. Love you.

Uh, hey, babe?

You know, when you've been coming home from your daily errands, you seem really happy.

Of course I'm happy. I'm married to you.

Aw. [ Giggles ]

Dang it! He threw me off the trail.

[ Door closes ]

World's worst detective.

Fortunately, you have me.

Ellie, what are you doing?

W--

No, no, no. We can't.

Yes, I am dying to know what's in that bag, but it is more important for me to trust my husband and respect his boundaries.

Are you sure about that?

Look down.

Aw, hands. [ Clicks tongue ]

What are you doing?!

Ellie, I'm not gonna go through Grayson's bag. - Again, hands.

Uh, seriously, they just do whatever they want.

Gold chain.

Black gloves.

Weird paper in the shape of money.

I thought there'd be some gay stag film he did in college, or... a g*n.

[ Material rustling ]

This is boring.

At least none of these are weird sex things.

Uh, two of them can be.

Which one?

No, I don't wanna know.

The fedora, right?

If you really wanna know what he's doing...

1100 Ocean Street.

6:00 PM.

Bingo. Case closed.

Actually, it-- it's not. It's very open.

That's what I meant. Case wide open.

I've gotta go. All this stupid's giving me a headache.

If that backpack is from your dad's boat, one of the pockets may be filled with snake eggs.

We need to talk about... this.

Have you lost your mind? What if Ellie sees that here?

Is she here?

No!

Then how would she know?

This is her lair.

Anything's off, she'll sniff it out.

Last week, just as I was about to click "Buy" on a full 5-season DVD set of "Charles In Charge," she texted me "Don't."

All right, well, if I can't play this anywhere, I might as well return it.

No, you can't give up now.

This is your... secret treat.

[ Mouth full ] We gotta find a place to play.

What about Tom's house?

No.

The last time I walked in his garage, he was wearing a kimono, eating sushi off the body of a female mannequin.

[ Gasps ] I got it! I know where we can play!

Oh. So you're heading to Grayson's mystery address.

What do you think it is? Fight club? Sex club?

Maybe it's both.

Maybe it's fight-sex club or a sex-fight club.

What's the difference?

One has fight sex and the other one has sex fights.

Whatever it is, I'm covered.

I got, uh, two bottles of Gatorade, can of Mace, and my best bra.

Oh, it does sound like you have it covered.

Uh, one nutty Pinot.

Oh, tip him a dollar. It's worth it.

[ Sighs ]

♪ tip tip hooray! tip tip hooray! ♪
♪ your generosity just made my day ♪
♪ so drink your wi-- ♪

[ Door closes ]

[ High-pitched voice ] What up, y'all?

Okay, that's officially child abuse.

I mean, skankify yourself if you must, but please, don't skankify a baby.

Jules, tell her how this looks.

They're so adorable.

I just wanna gobble them both up right now.

What? Yesterday when you saw it, you went, "Wow."

"Wow, they are so adorable, I wanna gobble them up right now."

Okay, I gotta go to a sex-fight club.

Oh! Cheetah's?

I thought that b*rned down in the thong fire of '07.

Hmm.

I am not good at choosing the people I hang out with.

What, babe?

Ugh.

[ Whispers ] Tom!

I need you to hook me up with some... protection.

Are we talking condoms or g*ns?

No. I need... You have g*ns?

I don't know. You have money?

Hi.

Hello.

Oh.

Um, I'm here to, um...

Well... I actually don't know why I'm here.

You're looking to have some fun, maybe get out of your comfort zone?

Um... o-okay. Sure.

First time? Mm.

The first time is the best.

[ Under breath ] Oh, God.

[ Beep ]

[ Laser sh**ting sounds ]

[ Muffled voice ] Stick with me, kid. I'll take you places.

Well, hello, Jelly.

[ Gasps ]

No way.

Yeah, I'm just out for a walk with my child, who's dressed exactly like me, to show you how dumb it looks.

This is how dumb you look.

What do ya think?

I love it.

What?

No, you don't. You can't. It's ridiculous.

More like ridonkulous.

Jelly, there are many things that I hate-- vegans, craft fairs, vaping, home births-- people who say "Hashtag."

I hate that. Girls named Keegan...

I had a foster sister named Keegan who was vegan... until she got rabies, and then she craved the taste of fresh, raw cow.

Your stories.

But what I hate most of all are parents who dress their children exactly like them.

It's like nails on a chalkboard, but then the chalkboard is b*ating me over the head.

Please, please stop it.

[ Clenches teeth ] I'm asking you nicely!

I had no idea that you felt this way.

Of course I could stop it... if it wasn't so adorable.

I mean, look at us! Twinsies! Twins times two!

Double trouble doubled.

Ooh, I see you. Get out that camera phone.

Come on, click some pics!

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

[ Singsongy ] Hey! #samesies!

[ Sighs deeply ] There's some strange people here, but no one who looks like they're into sex fighting.

Okay, one guy.

Ah. Grayson, what are you into?!

Man: [ Amplified voice ] Ladies and gentlemen...

Please don't sacrifice an animal.

We know why you're here.

We have what you want. So brace yourselves... for the sauciest comedy troupe this side of Nokomis--

The Riga-Tonys!

[ Piano plays fanfare ]

Hi! Hiya!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh! There you are!

Hey!

2, 3, 4!

♪ we're the Riga-Tonys ♪
♪ and it's no baloney ♪
♪ we like jokes and pratfalls ♪
♪ 'cause we're a bunch of meatballs ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Seriously?

Ugh.

Hey, how was the, uh, sex-fight/fight-sex club?

It was even weirder than I thought.

Was it anything like "Eyes Wide Shut" meets "Mortal Kombat"?

That's how I picture it.

Yah!

♪ ohh ♪

Mm.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Interesting night.

Yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. It was.

Valet parking's really expensive.

Yeah, that's why I prefer to self-park.

I can't believe you've been lying to me.

Me? I can't believe you.

Trailing me all over town, spying on me.

I have not been trailing you.

I've been going through your private things when you're not here.

That may be worse.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

I tell you everything--

My ATM code, why I'm scared of mannequins.

I even tell you about my dream that I'm marrying Travis.

I know. I keep asking you to stop.

Well, someone has to know how beautiful the ceremony was.

Uh, slow night tonight. [ Whistling ]

You can apologize anytime, okay? I'm waiting.

Oh. Well... [ Chuckles ] you may be waiting a while, okay?

If you think I'm more in the wrong here than you are, I have nothing else to say.

Well, if you think that I'm not more... in the wrong waiting... here... bad!

Great. I'm done.

Done! I'm great!

Tom.

[ Gasps ]

Oh. There you go.

You'd think as a surgeon I'd be better at this.

Ellie: What is happening?

Laurie: Hey.

You like it?

Is this one of those "What Would You Do?" news shows?

'Cause if so, the answer's mass m*rder.

I tweeted out to all my larmy peeps to declare today parent-kid dress-alike day in Gulfhaven.

#parent-kid-samesies-day, obvi.

It's horrible!

It's like a bunch of twins, except one twin got all the placenta, and the other twin didn't and stayed really tiny.

That happened to two of my cousins.

The tiny one does p*rn now.

Of course she does.

We were cooking today.

[ Door opens ]

Oh, hey, babe.

How was your day?

Completely normal.

Left this morning, made three work deliveries, gassed up, hit the car wash, stopped for a sandwich-- roast beef on toasted wheat-- made six more deliveries, an impromptu stop for a fun-size candy bar, then I came home. You?

It was good.

I mean, not as detailed as that, but good.

Ohh, I'm starving. You wanna grab some food?

Oh, no. I'm still full from the roast beef on toasted wheat and the impromptu fun-size candy bar.

But... thanks.

[ Cell phone ringing ]

Is that your phone?

Nah.

It seems like it's coming from over there.

[ Ring ]

From... inside the vent?

[ Laughs ] Laurie that's...

[ Ring ]

That's crazy. I mean...

[ Cell phone vibrating ]

You know what? I guess I could eat again. Pizza?

[ Ring ]

You're in my way.

And you're in mine.

So move.

You move.

I'll move when you apologize for lying.

I'll apologize when you apologize for invading my privacy.

I'm not apologizing first.

[ Sets down pitcher ]

Well, then I guess we'll just stand here.

Great. I can do this all day.

[ Chuckles ] I hope we do.

There is a lot of anger between us.

I feel it, too.

And it is turning me on big-time.

Ditto that.

Oh!

[ Both moaning ]

Okay, wait. Is this undermining the fact that I'm mad at you?

Tremendously.

Ugh.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Babe, I am so sorry for not being honest with you.

Well, I'm sorry for not trusting you.

[ Sighs ] Look, Jules, I'm in a comedy troupe.

There it is-- my humiliating secret.

Well, that's not that bad.

I thought you were in a sex-fight club or a-a fight-sex club.

What's the difference?

I don't know. I thought you could explain.

I have no idea.

Look, Jules, I'm a guy who loves acting.

I mean, I know the Riga-Tony's are corny and dumb, but it's fun.

We make people happy. It makes me happy.

Well, why didn't you just tell me?

Well, because I can't enjoy it if I'm being mocked and teased by our entire group.

I wanted to trust you with my secret, Jules.

I just wasn't sure I could.

I'm sorry. It's...

Andy convinced me women always win, and the only way to stay happy is... [ Whispers ] ...secret treats.

Why do you whisper it?

I still don't know.

Are you completely furious with me?

No, I'm not furious. I mean, I'm a little annoyed, but not because you bought a PlayStation-- because you felt like you had to hide it from me.

You think video games are stupid. I just figured--

Babe, I think most everything that you love is stupid.

But if it makes you happy, I'm cool with it.

I did not judge this situation well at all.

Well, you were taking advice from a guy who eats stale marshmallows that he's stashed all over town because he's so terrified of his wife.

You know about that?

Everybody knows about that. Ellie thinks it's hilarious.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

There is one thing.

It might be a little... dangerous.

Whoo!

[ Laser sh**ting sounds ]

[ Muffled voice ] m*ssile to the head! Suck on that!

[ Muffled voice ] Careful! Trash talk fogs up the mask.

You be careful, or I'm gonna...

Oh, wait. I'm in a swamp. What's happening?

Laurie found out?

Did she yell until it set off a car alarm?

Give you a look so cold you started having w*r flashbacks, despite never having been near a w*r?

Is that stuff Ellie's done?

I don't wanna talk about it!

So what did Laurie do?

Asked to play.

It was great.

Are you okay?

Of course. I have my...

[ Mouth full ] secret treats.

Ellie: I guess I could move.

I don't really have any ties to this town.

Hey, would you babysit Baby Bobby tonight so Travis and I can go out?

What do you think?

I think that you shouldn't have told me your Kryptonite, because I can make this happen anytime, here... or here.

Hey, guys.

Ah! Trav, twinsies!

Hey!

Just like we did when you were a teenager.

Are you referring to how you would buy all my clothes from the women's department, get yourself a matching set, then wait to see what I would wear every day so you could wear the same thing?

Twinsies!

[ Laughs ]

Drop the baby off before you go out.

Done! And you know what?

I'm gonna stop twinsing with Baby B.

I'm kinda over it. I'm into exotic pets now.

[ Screeches ]

It's a baby fox.

Aw! Can I pet it?

No, I wouldn't. It's a wild animal.

All right. That's okay. I gotta go anyway.

Where to?

Ah, just some boring errands.

[ Screeches ]

Gotta pick up the dry cleaning, get some plant food, um... tax document, so...

That's odd, you know, considering you picked up your dry cleaning yesterday and your houseplants are fake.

And that tax document--

What's it for, your LLC or personal?

It's, uh, LLC-3PO. So see you, guys.

George Ezra: ♪ give me one good reason why I should never... ♪

Oh, whatsamatta with me?

Whatsamatta with you?

[ Laughter ]

Ey! Nothingsamatta with me.

I wanna know whatsamatta with them!

Hey!

Ey!

Don't point! Whatsamatta with you?

Whoa! Well, whatsamatta with them?!

All: Ohh!

Whatsamatta with you?!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughing ]

I don't understand any of this, but I love it.

♪ my house in Budapest ♪
♪ my beautiful castillo ♪
♪ ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I'd leave it all ♪

So I got a great story about my friend.

Oh, yeah? What's his name?

Fuhgeddaboutit!

All right. Then we'll go then.

Where's you goin'?!

Are you gonna tell a story or not?!

I'm try to!

[ Laughter ]

So my friend Fuhgeddaboutit... [ Laughs ] he's datin' this girl... Getthehellouttahere.

[ All shouting at once ]

Ohh! I'm trying to tell a story here!

[ Babbles ]