06x09 - Two Men Talking

[bunniefuu]

Anything less than 40% and we walk.

Mmm. Wow, this is good coffee.

Look at you-- stay-at-home dad, just sit around on your ass all day while your wife works to support you.

Must be quite a blow to your manhood.

All this lounging is awful. I'm miserable.

But you enjoy work today.

You know what you don't realize?

To make me happy, you need to keep your ass out of my way.

[ Laughs ] Hoo! I don't envy that guy.

I'm talking to you now, babe.

Get your ass out of my chair!

Oh!

Mmm. Coffee.

I don't wanna go to court on this, but I will.

And if I do, you will regret it.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Wine me, dime eyes.

You just waved me off.

Didn't you see the glasses?

That was Work Ellie. She's all about business.

This is Hang Ellie. She's all about party time.

You know, I forgot how hectic a law firm can be.

I'm so glad you never work so I have someone to lunch drink with.

Hey, I work.

Like today, I was swimming in paperwork.

Sounds conveniently nonspecific.

Tell me more.

Hey, dad. Where you going?

Oh, nowhere, really. I'm just gonna walk downtown.

By yourself? You want me to come?

We'll get some fro-yo, maybe see a movie.

Nah. I'm sure you've got a lot of work to do.

Tons. I'm practically swimming in paperwork over here.

Shut up.

[ Door closes ]

All right. Well, uh, see ya.

Does my dad look lonely?

Yep.

Nope. He sounded like he wanted to get out of this house.

He's very smart.

Man, this mobile wine business is stressful.

I just got a cease and desist letter from a wine shop owner saying I'm "Infringing on the parameters of established commercial boundaries"?

[ Groans ]

All right, let me see.

This is just a scare tactic.

Come on. I'll destroy this loser.

Great. Thanks.

It's pretty cool how she can just turn that on and off like that.

[ Door closes ]

Wow. Wonder if I could.

"I'm regular Jules. I'm happy."

"Ugh! I'm swimming in paperwork!"

Whose glasses are those?

My dad's.

[ Gasps ]

I can see into the future.

I didn't know you and Stan came to this park.

Yeah. I need him to burn off a little extra energy.

You know, for the longest time, I thought of parks as just a place people went to get midnight sandbox b-jammers and score dr*gs.

I totally forgot they were for kids.

Hey, Stan, get out of the sandbox!

Andy, why are you over here by yourself?

Why aren't you hanging with other parents?

It'd be weird. I don't know anyone.

What about those moms over there?

Those are the Leahs. They're all named Leah.

Except for Becca and Lynn.

Oh, man, they got class and style and buns to die for, and they do cool stuff like go to art galleries and spin class and drink mojitos.

Someone's got a chub for the mom club.

Don't be ridicu-Leah.

That is actually a genius name for a female rapper.

♪ What's up, y'all? I'm Ridicu-Leah. ♪
♪ I drop more rhymes than... ♪
♪ gonorrhea ♪

I don't know. Rap is really hard.

Seeing my dad look lonely makes me realize how good people are in pairs.

Feels like I'm about to hear your latest, totally unnecessary obsession.

My dad needs a best buddy.

And there it is.

Look, Jules, not everybody needs to have people around all the time.

Yes, they do.

Everyone does, except for maybe serial K*llers.

But they have people around for a while... till they don't.

But then they find someone new.

Oh, you get my point.

That serial K*llers need pals?

No, that my dad needs a best buddy.

But it can't be me because then he'd think I just feel sorry for him.

It's gotta be a guy, someone-- someone I can trust.

Someone nice, but not too nice. My dad hates that.

Oh, someone who likes sports and beer...

[ Gasps ] Nope.

I'm not gonna be Chick's best buddy.

I'll be best friends with your dad.

My dad's still dead.

I know a psychic.

Chick is great, okay, but he's also cranky and gassy and 74 years old.

And I love him, but we're never gonna be super pals who go out for fro-yo on a tandem bike.

Mm.

You just heard "tandem bike," huh?

Ohh, you'd be so cute together.

Thanks for destroying that wine shop guy for me.

By the end, he looked so sad and defeated.

I love making people look like that.

Here's a sentence I've never said before-- this is a nice van.

I know. It's comfortable, quiet.

Something about a moving car, just... the subtle, repetitive "bump-bump, bump-bump" of the road puts me at ease.

It's like you could open up and share anything with anyone.

I'm overly aggressive at work because secretly I'm afraid I'll fail.

I started a business to prove I can do something without my mom.

[ Gasps ] Did you see that?

Leah just made a kale smoothie with a portable blender. Aw!

If you're so into them, why don't you just go hang out with them?

Me. With them. If only.

[ Laughs ] Just go up and say hi with energy and confidence and you show 'em your big personality.

Come on!

[ Chuckles ]

I can do that. All right.

Yeah.

I'm going over.

Okay.

Hey, guys! How you doing? My name's Andy.

Uhh!

Women: - [ Gasp ]

[ Groans ] All right. Oh!

Oh, honey, no.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

That was--

Humiliating.

I tripped and fell and knocked over their pitcher of lemon and mint-infused water that helps reduce belly fat.

It was so, so, so brutal... until they helped me up and invited me to go power shopping with them!

What's power shopping?

I don't know, but I'm invited!

Yay! [ Giggles ]

Yay!

Are they watching us now?

Yeah, and they look a little confused.

Pretend this is part of our workout. And go!

I'm so glad you're coming to dinner with us, dad.

If their dessert tray looks good, I'm saying it's my birthday.

Play along.

[ Chuckles ]

This is nice. I don't mind three of us going out.

That's great. Three people is perfect.

Okay, let's see what they got.

Oh! Excuse me.

Yes, hi, this is Jules Cobb.

Oh, what's that?

A real estate emergency? [ Scoffs ]

I'm on my way. [ Mouths word ]

Seriously?

You guys are gonna have to have an amazing time without me.

Sorry.

Wow. That is an emergency.

Yes, this is gonna take hours to fix!

Now when the waiters sing "Happy Birthday" to me, need you to join in, big.

Uh, oh. When you get nervous you break out Big Chuck, but when you get so nervous you think you might break Big Chuck, you improvise.

Well, I planned a dinner for me, Grayson, and my dad.

Oh, nice.

But then I faked a work emergency so they could have a man-date together.

And I just know Grayson's gonna be really mad.

Setups never end well. You should know that.

One time, I tried to set up my bunkmate from my first stint in juvie on a coffee date with my bunkmate from my third stint in juvie.

I thought they'd really get along.

Both from Tampa. Both impulsive. Both love fire.

Long story short, that coffee shop no longer exists.

[ Door closes ]

I regret pulling the birthday stunt on two different waiters.

That is an excessive amount of flan.

Good night.

So how was dinner?

And besides the hat, it was good?

When you ran out-- on the worst fake phone call I've ever heard--

I was so mad, I almost ordered a burrito.

I would never take in that many carbs unless I was rage eating.

[ Whispers ] Of course.

Mm, I could not have been more angry, but then-- there's a "But then"? What's the "But then"?

Chick told a joke about you being Curious George.

You know, the ears.

Well, then Chick and I laughed and started to talk and had fun.

We actually made plans for tomorrow.

They're best friends! I knew it!

I'm the smartest person in the world!

I'm the smartest person in the world!

Aah!

[ Vase shatters ]

Wasn't Big Chuck.

I really am the smartest person in the world.

Hello, Jelly.

Oh, hi.

Whenever I see you without your baby, I feel like it's my duty to remind you that you have a child in case you've left it someplace.

Yes.

He is definitely with Jules.

Oh, hey, Trav. How's it going?

Ellie, hey.

Okay, that's weird.

Take a load off, ladies. I'll take care of the mojitos.

There's my Trophy Wife!

Five mojos, mofo.

These girls know all the gossip of what's going on in town-- who's hooking up with who, what well-known t-ball coach is on the downlow...

Jake Morton. Can you believe it?!

♪♪

I'm supposed to be in court today, but I got a ride here.

Oh. Well, I can give you a ride. I mean, if you want.

Totally. Let's go for it.

All right, see you, guys.

I'm gonna hang here and watch Andy turn into a Lulu mom.

I put up walls 'cause I find it easier than being vulnerable.

The times I act sarcastic and indifferent are just when I fear I have nothing of value to offer.

[ Shifts gear ]

[ Turns off engine ]

Okay. Courthouse.

Wait. I got my dates confused.

I actually don't have court today.

Really?

I'm such a goof sometimes.

No, don't worry about it.

I mean, no one is goofier than me.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I guess I'll just... take you home?

If it's easier, I could, you know, ride around on your work stops with you.

Great. I mean, if that's cool with you?

Totally, if it's cool with you.

Yeah.

[ Starts engine ]

I sneak butter into Andy's food because his husky look turns me on.

[ Chuckles ]

Two years ago, I was catfished by a 47-year-old man on the internet.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ] It happens.

Hey.

[ Closes latch ] Jules, relax, okay?

You look like a 3-year-old who has to go to the bathroom.

I'm just excited that you and my dad are hanging out.

And yes, I also have to pee.

It's no big deal. We're just going fishing.

My dad hardly ever takes anyone fishing.

My cousin Grits once pulled him out of the path of a speeding car and saved his life.

But did he take him fishing? Yes, he did.

Ooh, that didn't support my point.

Okay, son, let's hit the lake.

Jeez, J-Bird, hit the can already.

I don't wanna miss you guys leaving!

Ooh! Let's pose for a picture.

You don't have a camera.

I'll do it with my eyes.

Ready? And smile.

[ Clicks tongue ] Ooh, that's a good one.

I really need to stop enabling stuff like that.

Bye!

Wow!

I am an awesome matchmaker.

Right now, Chick and Grayson are fishing, being best buds, talking about...

Wait. What do guys talk about?

I think nicknames for their penises, mostly.

Wow. Guys are stupid.

Ooh! Speaking of amazing matchmaking skills, check out my handiwork. Waabam!

Man: ♪ drop it low, low, drop it low ♪
♪ drop, drop it low, drop it low ♪
♪ drop it low, low, drop it low, drop it low ♪

That is some impressive choreographed walking.

Do you think they practice that?

Oh, hey, guys.

Just out power shopping, which, it turns out, is power walking plus shopping.

Often complemented with an iced coffee or frozen kale-based drink.

That's magnificent.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, bubble butt! Pick up the pace!

Coming, Leah!

Did she just call you "bubble butt"?

Oh, it's a friendly nickname.

And let's face it-- papi's got back!

W--

Oh, I don't like the looks of this.

Since when can you drink kale?

I just feel like I can't share anything personal with Andy.

Is that because he doesn't listen?

Oh, no, he listens hard.

Too hard.

If I say I had a bad day, sometimes he cries.

For hours.

The only way I can cheer him up is to have sex with him.

It's not fair.

Yeah, I don't share personal stuff with Laurie because she always has a story to one-up me.

It's easy talking to you. We can have an actual conversation.

Totally.

I mean, at first, we were just talking about, you know, work frustrations or whatever.

But now I feel like I could talk to you about anything.

Definitely.

There's a mutual trust here.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's just you and me, opening up about things that we couldn't say to anyone else, including the people we're in actual relationships with.

Oh, my God. We're having an emotional affair.

Okay, should I get dad and Grayson BFF necklaces or best friend t-shirts with their picture on it?

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Jules.

Yeah?

Um, when two guys go fishing, they normally do that at, like, water, right?

[ Mouth full ] Bruce Willis was all like...

[ Imitating rapid g*nf*re ]

Hi! What...

[ Swallows ] What's up?

I thought you and Chick were fishing.

Oh, hey, did Andy get in with the Leahs?

Lucky dog. These gals run this town.

I'm so mad at you, ditching my dad.

And yeah, I can be mad and eat.

I didn't ditch Chick. We ditched each other.

It was a mutual ditch.

Okay, so you both lied.

Now he's just wandering the streets by himself because you were too selfish to hang out with him.

Now if he's missing, I'm gonna have to call the police.

Jules, stop. He's not missing.

He's fine. Come with me.

Oh, I guess our bro-date to the movies doesn't mean anything.

And now playing big fat idiot-- Tom.

No. No.

I'm so ashamed.

Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

There were two of us in that van.

I've just been so stressed lately, and there you were, all pale and asexual and didn't seem remotely dangerous.

It just happened.

Well, in fairness, you were the one who opened up first.

It was unexpected. It made me lower my guard.

I got sucked in.

Are you saying that I emotionally seduced you?

I didn't seduce you.

If I seduced you, you would know it.

[ Whispers ] Please stop saying "Seduced."

Hi, guys.

I didn't do anything!

I'll have, uh, anything infused with cucumber.

I'm trying to cut back on my calories.

And cucumber is awesome for your skin.

I love your skin.

I love you. Mwah!

[ Whispers ] Dial it back.

Hey, babe.

[ High-pitched voice ] I'm a good person.

Okay.

You know, the most horrible girl I ever knew was actually named Goodperson.

So this one Halloween, we...

No.

Do not tell the Angel Goodperson story anywhere near a child.

Andy, I wanna talk to you about something really fast.

♪♪

We have to stop sharing feelings.

I can't live with the lies.

I know.

It's filthy.

Shameful.

[ Whispers ] I don't want it to stop.

I'll get the van.

About the mom club...

You want in, right?

Sometimes, a pack of alpha b*tches will take on a new member.

Sort of... a Patsy.

Andy, you're their Patsy.

I'm... their fall guy?

What? No.

Patsy was a girl from high school that my group of alpha b*tches took on as a new member.

We made her do stuff for us-- you know, like our homework or bitch slap teachers who were failing us.

You're-- you're crazy. The Leahs love me.

That's why they let me carry all their stuff and call me "bubble butt."

[ Sighs ] I know they don't like me, Laurie.

I've always known.

Then why do you hang out with them?

Because I'm new on the elementary school scene and I don't have one parent friend.

And I may be the Patsy of the group, but at least I'm in the group, right?

And to be honest, I think I'm starting to earn their respect.

Hey, yoga in five.

We need you to carry our mats.

At your service!

Dad, are you here?

sh**t. I could've sworn he said he'd be here eating butterscotch and watching Blue Bloods.

Just like you could've sworn he was at the VFW or the boot barn or the hardware store?

You keep taking me places, and he's not there.

Marlo's! Oh, of course!

This is the time of day he always gets a hankering for fro-yo.

Okay, stop it. I'm calling the police.

Jules, stop.

Your dad's fine, and I know where he is.

And this time, I'm not just stalling or intentionally wasting time like I have been for the last two hours.

You've been taking me on an angry goose chase?

No, I've been taking you on a wild-goose chase.

That's not a thing. Why would anyone chase a wild goose?

Why would anyone chase an angry goose?

Because they stole your corn.

Jules, can you just trust me?

Drive. I have a lot to unload today.

Ellie...

I can't.

Can't what?

I can't do this anymore. [ Sighs ]

After I left the pub, Laurie called to finish the Angel Goodperson story.

If she's sharing things with me, how can I share with someone else?

Don't say it.

It's over.

You don't say it's over.

I will make your whole world come crashing down.

Why would you wanna do that?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I just find threatening people relaxing.

You're right. I don't wanna keep things from Andy, even if I have to climb on top of him to cheer him up when I'm sad.

Yeah.

You know all those deep, personal things I told you?

I will never forget them.

I was gonna say, do you know all the deep, personal things I told you?

Forget them, or so help me God, I will catfish you again.

That was you?!

Oh, well, well. If it isn't the alpha b*tches.

Go away.

Women: [ Laugh ]

High school me would've already destroyed you, dismantling your bitch pack and claiming your scattered, newly orphaned b*tches as my own.

Oh, no! Don't k*ll her, please. Please.

But I'm a mom now, and now my baby is old enough to go outside-- he's gotten his cradle cap and baby acne under control.

And I'm in the market for a new mom friend.

You wanna join our cool yoga group?

No. I'm looking for someone who's actually cool.

You know, fun, considerate, and self-confident enough that they don't need to parade around like some pompous, snooty-ass bitch who is so shallow and obnoxious that it makes me wanna reach around from behind and choke her with her own badly installed implants.

[ Gasps ]

So I'm gonna be over there doing some yoga'ing and if anyone fits that description, come and join me.

[ Mat thuds ]

Sorry, baby.

She means me. [ Laughs ]

See ya!

[ Panting ] Hey, what do you know?

Vacant spot in the Leahs... A Tom...

This just makes sense.

[ Groans ]

Why'd you bring me to the park?

Well, Jules, you like to be involved in the lives of the people you love.

Very, very involved-- like the time you left step-by-step instructions for Trav on the night he lost his virginity.

I wanted him to feel I was right there by his side.

Sometimes, when a person is making a big step, trying something a little difficult, well, sometimes they're not ready to share with other people.

Chris Malinchak:
♪ there's no hesitation ♪
♪ oh, baby ♪

Both: [ Laugh ]

Why is my dad holding hands with that stranger?

[ Gasps ] Is she trying to steal his watch?

Jules, your dad is on a date.

My dad is on a date?

[ Gasps ]

He's still trying to get to know her.

He wanted to take some time and work some stuff out, but...

Then you started to pry and ask questions and forced us to go on playdates together, so...

Chick and I made a plan to play along.

You know, you doing all that for my dad, making a plan and having his back... that's best buddy stuff.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't be ridiculous. Jules, seriously?

I had a cup of coffee and some wine.

I'm gonna find you a bathroom.

No, no, no.

Shh, shh. I don't wanna miss this.

[ Chuckles ] Okay, maybe I need a bush.

Or a cup. Get me a cup.

Okay, I'm gonna walk away.

Yeah, no, get me a cup. Come back!

Oh. Travis.

Ellie. Hi.

Hi. What are you up to?

How are you?

Well...

[ Laughs ]

Oh. I'm well.

Um, getting in the zone at work.

You know. And you?

The-- the-- the winebulance?

No complaints. [ Chuckles ]

I'm just, um...

Here to get, uh... takeout.

It was good to see you.

And you.

Hey, maybe sometime we could...

♪♪

Don't.

Just-- don't.

[ Sighs ]