04x13 - Advanced Introduction to Finality

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Get out of my chair, or ill have you disbarred.

Oh, wait. That already happened.

Cash.

Tango.

My old partner in my new firm.

[Laughs]

Does it get any better?

Not unless you leave.

[Chuckles] Still got it.

So a little birdie told me you're graduating kiddie college.

You must be excited to get that lollipop.

Hey. It's a sticker.

Ha.

I know you're busy, not, so allow me to whip it out.

Come work with me.

You'll be a full partner, six figures, corner office, three secretaries.

What's that? Not enough money?

I'll double it. Bam, done.

That's how we negotiate. Lunch?

Wow. I drive a hard bargain.

But, Mark, aren't you worried I'm a little out of practice?

The only cases ive tried lately are about sandwiches and yams.

Please, you were a better lawyer when you weren't a lawyer than most lawyers I know.

It's still in you.

I'll give it some thought.

Just shake my hand, idiot. It's simple.

I like simple.

Take a look around, Winger.

This is your new old life.

I don't get it.

We just had Christmas, and now it's warm outside.

Of course it is, dummy.

We just finished fall-spring semester.

Bring on summer-winter.

I can't wait.

My final film school class is just called opinions.

Professor Taylor is scheduled to teach, but I have a rebuttal.

Lucky.

I transferred to forensics late and got the worst classes.

Skull fragment collection, advanced advanced decomp, and intro to senselessness were all full.

I still have a year of A/C repair left.

I passed all my classes, so now I just do yoga while the teachers write down my wisdoms.

Wait a minute. Jeff passed history.

He's graduating early.

I'm totally unprepared to deal with this.

No, Annie, please, don't--

[noisemakers blowing]

Well, it's official. It's on a banner.

Congratulations, Jeffrey.

You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

Yeah, you took so many blow-off classes and pointless electives.

What did you end up majoring in?

Education.

You had to win, didn't you?

When I was inches from the finish line.

Pierce, you have so many credits, they have grand-credits.

Just graduate already.

When's the graduation ceremony?

Never. It's community college.

You just send in some papers and they stop charging you.

It's moving, in its own way.

So this is it?

A banner and some soda Troy forgot to bring?

No.

As far as graduations go, it's boring but grounded.

I was hoping for more.

Can we at least walk with you to the Dean's office?

What, now? No.

I was just--I was going to mail it in next week, or, you know, whenever.

Don't be silly.

We started as a study group, we'll finish as a study group.

All for one, and one dude we can all leave behind.

Everybody, go quickly.

Go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Hey.

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ tie me to dream ♪
♪ give me the hope ♪
♪ to run out of steam ♪
♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up ♪
♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

All right, Mr. Winger. Et al. Britta.

Emotions are running high, so I will keep this tight and short.

You always do.

I see you have all the necessary paperwork.

Necessary? You asked for proof of inseam.

Ah, Jeffrey.

I'm going to miss our playful, "Get a room already" banter.

Oh, Dean.

I can come back.

No, I can do this.

Just need to sign the old John Dean-cock and you will be graduated.

So this is it?

Mm-hmm.

Huh.

I, uh--I expected a little more pageantry.

I'm listening.

Annie's right.

We should throw a party to mark the occasion.

[Squeals]

A small one.

The teensiest.

Just close friends, a small cake--

Maybe some flowers, an archway--

A string quartet.

Ooh, he could wear a suit.

Starting to sound like a wedding.

Not a wedding.

Just your average, low-key diploma signing, to which you're all cordially invited, tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

Is that enough time to plan a whole wedding?

Absolutely.

I'll get my book.

[Laughter]

Listen, I can't do a big party.

It's too much.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

This is about you getting cold feet about graduating.

Pshh, yeah.

I've been looking forward to graduation since freshman registration.

I already got a job lined up at my old partner's firm.

Well, then, let them eat cake.

It's just, I'm worried that the group might not be able to handle it, you know, emotionally.

Everyone wants you to graduate, Jeff.

Well, what about Abed?

I mean, the stress of me leaving might send him spiraling.

Come on, give him some more credit.

He's really progressed since he opened up to my therapizing.

Do you remember last year, when he wouldn't stop talking about that "darkest timeline" thing?

The one where I lost my arm?

And Pierce d*ed, and Annie went insane, and he blamed it all on you throwing some dice.

He has not brought that up in months.

You're right, Britta.

I just need to give Abed a chance.

Then it's settled.

The six of us will take astronomy next semester.

So now you're leaving me out.

No, we're leaving Jeff out.

So I'm not even the one who gets left out anymore.

Everything's Jeff, Jeff--

Jeff.

This seat taken?

[All talking, laughing]

So everyone still excited about the big shindig?

Totally.

I was worried about the wedding-graduation mash up, but it's testing really well with women.

[Both giggling]

Oh, well, that's a load off.

Hey, we should probably figure out who's bringing the soda now, right?

Just so there's not another hang up.

I brought it. I-I just drank it all.

It's okay. I've got it covered.

No, no, no. You've already done so much.

Besides, I think I have a fun and fair way to decide which of the six of us will bring the soda.

We'll roll for it.

It didn't land on a number.

That probably means nothing.

Or it means everything.

Let's hope not.

You know what, ill bring the soda.

Don't worry, ill make sure there aren't any more hang-ups.

Must I bear this cross forever?

I was hoping for more.

[Singing to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance]

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪
♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪
♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪
♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪

[Singing to the tune of Bridal Chorus]

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪
♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪
♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean-- ♪

[Screams]

[Glass breaking]

Catherine?

Do not even tell me you dropped that cake.

Parasites.

Hey. What's going on?

Why are you trying to avoid graduating?

I wish I knew.

I think it's because you're scared to take this law job with your old partner.

But don't let that stop you from graduating.

Take the job, don't take the job.

Either way, your friends are always going to be here to support you.

Good to know.

See you at graduation.

And they call us the worst.

Took you long enough.

Hey, nobody said you had to travel naked.

Oh. You brought the good one.

You hold that, ill do the sleeve.

Wait for the click. There--

Ah. Good.

Middle finger works great now.

It's worse than I thought.

They made lame Jeff too lame to leave Greendale.

He's got to take that job.

But how do we make him do that?

By turning the study group against him so he'll run screaming from this rancid cocoon into the welcoming arms of darkness.

How hard is that to understand?

It's not.

I just like when you talk down to me like a child.

[Grunts]

[Both moaning]

Oh! Jeff.

It's bad luck to see the graduation before the graduation.

I had to talk to you.

Today is bringing up so many emotions.

It's a lot to take in.

I'm not making you feel nervous about graduating, am I?

Well, you are making me feel something.

And it's not about graduating.

I'm saying I'm hot for you.

Me?

Is this for real?

Is my b*ating heart for real?

Oh, Annie.

I don't know if it's the beautiful decorations, or the impending floral archway, but there's something about this that feels so right.

It's the perfect moment to remember you by.

Remember me by?

I'm not going anywhere.

Exactly. You're going nowhere.

I'm about to return to my cool, adult, lawyer life, and you're going to be stuck here, playing high school.

Why are you saying this?

So you face the facts.

Once I graduate, I'm gone.

Winger, streaking on your last day of school?

Respect.

Oh, so I got the save the date for your graduation.

Should I bring a date, or try to hook up there?

I'm not going to your stupid graduation, jerk.

I can't believe you said those things to me.

What things?

Don't play dumb.

You want to leave? Leave.

See if I care.

What did you do?

I have no earthly idea.

Look up there.

Hello, Abed.

Hello, Evil Jeff.

What? How did you--

I may not be good with facial expressions, but I know an evil doppelganger when I see one.

Plus your arm makes a noise every time you move it.

Silence. [Mechanical arm whirring]

Are you here to k*ll Jeff?

Oh, you non-evils are so naive.

I'm here to save Jeff from the smothering teat of his study group.

Is that a paintball g*n?

You wish.

Cool.

Wait. Cold.

[Groans]

How did I get to the Dean's office?

Hi.

Out of my chair, monkey.

The darkest timeline.

Annie.

[Sobs]

Um, okay, let's start with "Huh?"

Jeff, I'm sorry. I made it all up.

I've been so upset about you graduating that ive gone a little crazy, emotionally.

Oh, good. I thought I was losing my mind.

Make it up to you with a hug?

This breakfast sandwich cart is such a great idea.

It's never too early for Shirley-- to make a boatload off of hung over college kids.

Speaking of great idea having, hear me out.

It's called "The Troy-jan Horse."

It goes bread, lettuce, ham, ham, bacon, chocolate--

Oh, how you doing, the graduate?

Just stopping by to hand out some un-vites to my graduation.

Here's one for the desperate housewife who spends more time with her pathetic business than with her family.

And you.

If you call a sandwich a "Troy-jan Horse," people are going to think there's horse in it.

Oh, my dreams.

Whatever, losers. See you never.

Where's Abed?

Is anyone here?

Hello, Abed. Welcome to our home.

Hello, Evil Abed.

It's just Abed now.

After we met, I abandoned my evil goal to focus on brightening my own timeline instead.

Do you live here alone?

Yes.

Evil Troy moved out when I gave up the cause.

Now he only listens to Evil Jeff, who sort of took over this year, villain-wise.

Jeff left Greendale and became a scummy lawyer again, but the more evil he got, the more he became tortured by the idea that there's still a good Jeff out there, being good somewhere.

That's why he forced me to show him how to travel between timelines.

My God. This is so cool.

I know. You have no idea how long ive been waiting to talk to you about it.

Kind of a Superman III meets that Star Trek episode meets season three of The Cape.

The Cape was cancelled.

Not here.

They retooled it for cable, and it's awesome.

Want to see it?

Desperately.

But I need to get back to my timeline and stop Evil Jeff.

So I came to the only person who could help me--me.

I'll get you home, Abed.

But first, you'll need some supplies.

Everyone must be running late.

Here, Jeffrey. You're graduated.

Take your precious diploma and just go.

I cannot believe the hurtful things you said to me in my office.

I'll have you know that wanting a little pageantry in your life isn't a crime or a lifestyle choice.

Okay, Annie, something definitely weird is happening.

No one's here, the Dean is mad at me, and he is never mad at me, and-- a third reason.

Congratulations, Jeff.

Don't worry about the study group.

You can talk to them later.

Why don't you and I go celebrate someplace private and boozy?

Annie, why are you acting like a mistress in a Lifetime movie?

[Laughs] You're funny.

Oh, sweetheart, you dropped your phone earlier.

You've got a voicemail from a guy named Mark?

You should call him.

Not now.

I have to find the others and figure this out.

Crap. We're losing him.

What?

What?

Both: Who are you?

You're me?

But how?

But how?

Enough of the pleasantries.

I've come from the darkest timeline to make sure you take that job.

It's essential to our future.

You want it, idiot, so take it.

I can't.

I've spent almost four years here, growing and changing and making dioramas.

I'm not that guy anymore.

You're wrong.

Greendale may have dulled your k*ller instinct, but trust me, it's still in you.

It's time to leave this place and reclaim your proper life.

No. Not without my study group.

Ugh. Now who's in a Lifetime movie?

Then ill be rid of you another way.

Friendship!

Mm. Cold.

Well, the subtle approach failed.

What's next? Explain it slowly.

Need some help?

Let's burn this mother down.

Jeff must be graduating about now. I wonder if anyone's there.

Doubt he cares.

Pierce won't even respond to my texts.

I wonder what terrible things Jeff said about him.

I've got some guesses.

[All gasping]

Let me finish.

Look, I know this may sound crazy, and more than a little convenient, but whatever I said to you, it wasn't me.

It was Evil Jeff.

[Scoffs] Come on.

Something happened when I rolled that die.

Something terrible.

Something only nerds can understand.

Mm-hmm.

You have to believe me.

They're coming for us.

No.

We're coming for them.

Abed, where have you been?

The darkest timeline.

You guys never believe me, so this time, I brought proof, the doppeldeaner.

[All gasping]

Abed brought me here to prove to all of you--

Whoa.

Actually, I figured that these paintball warping g*ns would convince you.

Listen up, people.

We've got an inter-dimensional battle on our hands.

Our evil counterparts are waging a w*r, and it's either us or us.

All right.

Let's light up these dark suckers.

Okay, everyone. Stay sharp.

If you see yourself, warp on sight.

I'd like to warp myself to a dairy-free mudslide.

That's just vodka, Shirley.

I know what it is.

Ah-ha.

Pierce?

We thought you were dead.

Hell, no.

After I got sh*t, I faked my death to teach you all a lesson.

Lesson about what?

Who can remember? It was more than a year ago.

And yet, here you all are, planning an invasion without me.

Again, we thought you were dead.

Listen, I-I can help you guys b*at the lame study group.

Just tell me how this works.

Fine.

It's complicated, but basically, the first person to sh**t themselves wins.

[Paintball g*nsh*t]

Winner.

Well, that bow tied itself.

Dang, I got hair dye on my coat.

Dang, it's spreading.

Damn it, Britta.

Did you sh**t yourself too?

Every time.

Hey.

Don't talk to her like that.

Every time.

We're here. Scatter.

Get help.

Can't hide forever, lame Annie.

Just let me sh**t you.

You'll love the darkest timeline.

We're sleeping with Jeff there.

What? We are?

All the time.

And he loves it.

[Grunts]

Nobody sleeps with Jeff.

Not even me.

I've been counting b*ll*ts.

One of us is out.

Is it you?

Yes.

Why would you tell me that?

To sound intimidating.

Oh. Almost worked.

Ballin'.

[Indistinct yelling]

Okay. Only Evil Jeff is left.

You've got to take him out.

Why don't I just give him what he wants?

What? You can't give up now.

Why not?

Because it's not real.

Look around, Jeff.

Haven't you noticed the vending machines are full of meats and hard-boiled eggs?

Or that all the background students are attractive women?

Hi.

Yeah.

This is a world you've created in your own mind.

The real battle is within.

You're afraid to graduate because you think Greendale has changed you too much.

So part of you wants Evil Jeff to win, because then you could go backwards and pretend you're the same guy you were four years ago.

But you're not. You're stronger.

You're better. You have friends.

No, screw that. You have a family.

Wait.

If this is all in my mind, then I don't really need to fight him.

Don't logic this one away from me.

We finally figured out a way to make paintball cool again.

Hey, handsome.

[Yelling]

On second thought, who needs to roll a die?

And who cares if we have soda?

As long as you guys are with me, I have everything I need to graduate.

Yeah. Forget soda.

Friends, Greendalians, human beings, we are gathered here today to honor that sacred and eternal bond between a student and his Dean.

Neither time nor distance nor screening one's calls could ever sever what nature herself has ordained.

When two men are drawn--

I'll take it from here, Craig.

Fair enough. I was reaching.

Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Ooh. Burn on Britta.

Sorry, seven.

And meeting these people changed my life.

Yep.

I'm sorry. I-I don't know what to say.

[All laughing]

Yeah, okay.

Whatever.

I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out?

What you all have done for me is indescribable.

It's unbelievable.

And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Well said, Jeffrey.

If anyone here should have just cause why Jeffrey Tobias Winger should not be graduated, speak now or forever--

[knocking on window]

Pierce.

You don't have to do this.

I'm ready to graduate.

Yeah?

Well, I'm ready to graduate first.

Seems oddly appropriate.

Congratulations, Pierce.

[Applause]

Perfect.

So what's next for Jeffrey Winger?

I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms.

I'm going to use my big mouth to help the little guy.

Both: Aww.

Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by any time I want.

You know, just to settle any group arguments about who misses me the most.

Oh--

What do you think?

To Jeff.

To Jeffrey.

♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪

Welcome back.

We've got a jam-packed show, so let's get started.

Today, as always, we'll be visited once again by Greendale's king and supreme lord master, Dean Chang.

Looks like he'll be talking about squash this time.

Oh, I'm super excited for that.

And not only because it's mandatory.

But first, we'll take a spin around the timeline map and find out what's happening in the universes that parallel ours.

Thanks, us.

I'm standing here in timeline five, where things are pretty much normal.

Normal?

Troy, people are on fire in Nairobi.

You call that normal?

I've become much more conscious of world issues since Troy and I decided to give our baby an African name.

Isn't that right, Chewbacca?

It means, "He who hunts bounties."

Back to you.

Wow, it sounds like things are really heating up in Nairobi.

That's nothing compared to the fire in our studio audience.

Hey, idiots.

How many times have I told you, the show doesn't really exist.

No one's watching.

Duh-doy. We know.

Yeah, we're just messing around.

See you at lunch, Evil Jeff.

See you at lunch.

Both: ♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪