05x09 - VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing

[bunniefuu]

Annie: It's settled. The urinals in the women's restroom will be turned into planters. On to chores. We need some able bodies to clear out a space in the east hall's storage room.
Jeff: I’ll do it.
Britta: Really?
Jeff: Yeah, Annie always goes from the easy chores to the hardest.
Shirley: That's true, isn't it? I’ll do it too.
Hickey: Yeah, me too.
Annie: Okay, that concludes this meeting.
Shirley: Oh!
Jeff: Aw, man!
Annie: Nobody picks up on my patterns! What am I gonna say next? Graham cr*cker! You didn't know.
Jeff: Hey, it's the "aww couple."
All: Aww.
Abed: Look what Rachel got me: Pile of b*ll*ts. An interactive Old West-themed VCR game from the '90s.
Rachel: I found it at Goodwill. It was between a Thighmaster and a d*ck Tracy Burger King glass. [TO ABED] Happy anniversary.
Hickey: Anniversary? I guess I should learn your name, young lady.
Rachel: Oh, Rachel.
Hickey: Rachel. Nice to meet you, Rachel. You can go.
Rachel: Okay.
All of the women: Aww!
Jeff: Anniversary?
Abed: Yeah, Rachel and I have been dating for one of your months, but our relationship is 12 times more efficient, so it's really been a year. Our sleep cycles are in synch, we can communicate with our eyebrows, and she knows my Netflix password... Jeff's Netflix password.
Jeff: Damn it. I'm changing that.
Abed: I changed it.
Jeff: To what?
Abed: Nice try. [TO ANNIE] Annie, can Rachel come to our place to play this tonight? I can't afford to take her anywhere.
Annie: Well, my brother's in town for the week, and I'm broke too, so I was gonna make him dinner tonight.
Abed: Cool. Double date? Dinner and 1993 interactive VCR game? What are you making?
Annie: Salmon.
[Abed grumbles]
Annie: Buttered noodles.
Abed: Buttered noodles are my favorite. Hmm.
Dean Pelton: Ah! Quick announcement for two of Greendale's finest. Payday is postponed until next week. So this... [Rap music plays] ...is my freestyle rap apology. ♪ Well, I'm a peanut bar ♪ ♪ And I'm here to say ♪ ♪ Your checks will arrive on another day ♪ ♪ Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar ♪ ♪ Another stuffed shirt with another white collar ♪ ♪ Criminals, Wall Street, taking the pie ♪ ♪ And all the black man gets is a plate of white lies ♪ ♪ Prisons! Recruitin' 'em! Police be sh**t' them ♪ ♪ Rap artists lootin' them, labels all dilutin' them ♪ ♪ Barack Obama is scared of me ♪ ♪ 'Cause I don't swallow knowledge ♪ ♪ And I spit it for free ♪ ♪ Let me clear my throat, ah-ha, ah-ha... ♪ [Feedback hums] [Sobbing] I don't know what that was, I don't. I don't know what that was.

♪ Give me some rope ♪ ♪ Tie me to dream ♪ ♪ Give me the hope ♪ ♪ To run out of steam ♪ ♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪ ♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ One by one, they all just fade away ♪

Annie: So nice to have the Edison kids under one roof again. Remember when we used to cut carrots for mom?
Anthony: [monotone] Yes.
Abed: I need a soda.
Annie: Oh, okay.
Abed: One, two, three.
Annie: Door's busted. Landlord's in jail and money's tight.
Abed: Yeah.
Annie: Oh, my God! Anthony! Thank you!
Anthony: Yeah.
Annie: Hey, Abed, a quick word.
Abed: Hmm.
Annie: What would you think about my brother moving in with us?
Anthony: Do I just keep cutting carrots?
Annie: Yes, Anthony! [TO ABED] He has money. He's handy.
Abed: You're putting me on the spot. I guess my knee-jerk concern would be that he's a Viking and might only use our home as a temporary base before moving inland where lumber is more plentiful.
Annie: He's a good guy. We can't afford to keep splitting the rent two ways. You have a better idea?
Abed: How about Rachel?
Annie: Is that a joke?
Anthony: Is it cool if I poop?
Annie: No, Anthony! Just cut the carrots! [TO ABED] You've been dating Rachel for a month.
Abed: I don't think you heard his question. [TO ANTHONY] The answer is yes! [TO ANNIE] Rachel and I have been dating for the equivalent of a year.
Annie: Oh, really? 'Cause I feel like I’ve been hearing about that for two years. You can't just microwave a relationship like it's a bean burrito. I ain't living with your month-long girlfriend, brah.
Abed: Well, I ain't living with your wack-ass, don't-know-whether-to-keep-cutting-carrots- or-ask-if-he-can-take-a-poop-brother. Can we discuss this later? Rachel's on her way, and I’d like to practice my smile.
Anthony: I guess it was just air.

Jeff: Why are we organizing a storage room? How is this not a janitor's job?
Hickey: Can I ask you something? Why the hell do you have all those muscles if you're gonna bitch about moving boxes?
Shirley: Is the air working in here? I'm sweating like a Catholic on Judgment Day. [Giggles] Just a little Protestant humor. I've got more.
Jeff: Oh, can't wait. Nothin'. Wait, there's something in there blocking the vent.
Shirley: You gonna open it? You do realize nothing good has ever been found in a vent, right? It's a vent.
Jeff: Whoa.
Hickey: Huh. Oh! Intro to Chemistry. Third edition. [Whistles in awe] Mint. $200 retail. 160 on the street.
Shirley: Why are there books in an air duct?
Jeff: Why is there hot sauce in the bathroom? It's Greendale. They must be stolen.
Shirley: We have to tell the Dean.
Jeff: Hold on. Let's just calm down and have a slow, pleasant chat about possibilities.
Hickey: What kind?
Jeff: All kinds. Anything is possible. We might one day have hover cars. Kale might be poisonous. And we might not have to get the Dean involved here.
Shirley: Jeffrey, these are stolen!
Jeff: From who? By who? How long ago?
Hickey: It's "from whom," "by whom." But he nailed the third question. Look, we are the committee that deals with Greendale's problems. Now did you see anything on our list about a pile of missing books that are worth more than the school they're hidden in?
Jeff: One thing's for sure. If we hand these over, they'll really go missing.
Hickey: And you think that money's gonna be used to cut our paychecks or to make another rapping peanut costume?
Shirley: I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Jeff: Fine. You wanna go to heaven? Walk away, more for us.
Shirley: I'm an accomplice now! If I walk away, I’ll only get into heaven by turning you in.
Hickey: But what about your restaurant? What about your kids? Ms. Bennett, when God talks to you, what language does he use? Because in my experience, when he thinks you deserve something, he drops it on you like a ton of bricks.
Shirley: Okay. All right. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this clean and safe. We're gonna move these to my restaurant in bread carts, and we're gonna sit on 'em until we know they're cold. Then we're gonna price them through a third party, and we're gonna unload them in a single score. None of that nickel-and-dime crap. I don't wanna leave a trail.
Jeff: Yeah, great.
Hickey: Wonderful.
Shirley: Okay, let's count these babies up.
Jeff: Yeah, great.

Annie: When we were kids, Anthony and I would play Time Machine. We would go, "Oh, no! We're in Barbarian times! Quick! Back to the Time Machine!" And then we would run back to the Time Machine.
Anthony: It's true.
Annie: I bet that's why Abed is like a brother to me. [TO ABED] You guys are so alike.
Abed: I can't accept that based on one time-machine story. [TO RACHEL] Rachel, did you tell Annie about your Waterpik?
Rachel: I suppose now is as good a time as any. [TO ANNIE] I own a Waterpik.
Abed: Annie has one too. You guys both care for your teeth the same amount. If you shared a bathroom, it'd go pretty smoothly.
Annie: Anthony said he could fix our cabinets.
Abed: Rachel used to mop floors when she worked at Kmart. She mops good.
Rachel: Is this a real conversation or are we being bugged by the feds?
Annie: Abed. Sidebar.
Anthony: What do you think happens after you die?
Rachel: I don't know.
Anthony: You're lucky.
Annie: Stop trying to sell me on Rachel.
Abed: Stop pitching Anthony so hard. You're like ice cream cake out there... overkill.
Annie: We need a roommate. We're broke.
Abed: I vote for Rachel.
Annie: I vote for Anthony. Flip a coin?
Abed: No. Coins create parallel timelines.
Annie: Rock, paper, scissors?
Abed: That's a nine-sided coin. What about Pile of b*ll*ts?
Annie: You wanna decide on a roommate with a 1993 Old West-themed VCR game?
Abed: If Rachel or I win, Rachel moves in. If you or Anthony win, I’ll politely surrender and count down the days until he eats me.
Annie: All right, it's settled. Is this working?
Abed: It's a handshake in progress. [TO ALL] Who wants to play Pile of b*ll*ts?
Anthony: Not me.
Annie: You have to.
Rachel: Oh, it's okay, we don't have to.
Abed: It's not okay. We do have to. We all have to, and one day we'll tell you why. But for now, let's simply retire to the TV area. For the highest stakes 1993 interactive VCR game of your entire young adult lives.

Britta: Okay, let's see what you got. [Sniffs intensely] Yeah. Okay. I know somebody that knows people. I can get you a price per book, find a buyer, and make a deal. For half.
Jeff: That's ridiculous.
Britta: I’m assuming more than half the risk. Half is fair.
Shirley: Not really. Because they're ours, all 100% of them. Giving you half is not fair, it's silly.
Britta: Okay, good luck. You wanna re-blindfold me? I know we're in E-9 in the east wing. I know that because it smells like weed. Not my weed.
Jeff: Look, I'm willing to give her half.
Shirley: Hear that, Britta? You can have half of Jeff's share.
Jeff: That's not what I meant.
Shirley: That's what you're offering by giving her half of the total. Either she can get half of all of our money or she can get half of your share. Either way, you walk away with about 16%.
Jeff: That's not fair.
Shirley: Damn right. Here's what is: 25% for each of us. Take it or leave it, Britta.
Chang: ♪ Legalize it ♪ ♪ Don't Chang... ♪ Hey, guys. Hey. Look, if something sketchy is happening, I don't care. So I'm just gonna back out of the room now and...
Shirley: He can't leave.
Chang: [screams] No! No! I didn't see anything. I did not see anything!
Shirley: Britta, find some rope.
Hickey: I’ve got rope.

Annie: “Each player starts with six b*llet tokens, ten gold certificates, and a color-coded posse token." There's two types of tokens?
Abed: I’m sure we'll figure it out.
[Harmonica music plays over TV]
Devin: Howdy! You look like a real group of gunslingers. Everyone in town's mighty scared, what with all the gold and the outlaws. But only one of us can make it out alive.
Rachel: Are we robbing the town?
Devin: By now, you should have your b*ll*ts, your gold, and two Wild West tokens each. Hang onto those tokens no matter what.
Annie: There's two kinds of tokens.
Abed: Two each?
Devin: Now when you hear the word "draw," or when you see a square with a color or number matching one of you or your opponent's cards, the first one of you to say, "bang," wins the challenged player's token and the amount of their bid in gold!
Anthony: What's going on?
Annie: Shh!
Devin: Ready?
Rachel: Yes?
Anthony: I’m not.
Annie: Shh!
[Silence]
Rachel: Are we supposed to be bidding?
Devin: Draw!
Rachel: I bid!
Devin: Pow!
Annie: Bang!
Devin: Rattler!
Abed: Bang! 5!
Anthony: Bang?
Devin: Yee-haw!
Abed: Bang-bang! 5!
Annie: Bang?
Devin: Not bad! Collect your tokens and let's get on to the next round!
Abed: What are you doing? Stop that.
Anthony: He said, "Collect your tokens."
Abed: He can't see you.
Rachel: Didn't Abed sh**t whoever's 5?
Devin: Draw!
All: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Devin: Odd-numbered players, give up two cards! Draw!
Rachel: We have numbers?
Anthony: [Monotone] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Abed: Okay, okay, I don't think we're doing this right.
Rachel: Are we sure this is a game and not some art film?
Anthony: Now what do we do?
Abed: We rewind it and start over.
Annie: Okay, I’ll allow it.
Rachel: No, it's okay. We gave it our best sh*t, no?
Annie: [Scoffs] I'm sorry, Rachel, is this your home?
Rachel: Oh, God, no, I'm sorry.
Annie: Well, this is what we're playing.
Anthony: But it doesn't make any sense.
Abed: Oh! It sounds like Anthony wants to forfeit.
Annie: He doesn't. Don't forfeit, Anthony.
Abed: Rachel, we can do this. [Whispering] Just focus, okay?
Rachel: Okay...
[Harmonica music plays over TV]
Devin: Howdy!
Annie and Abed: [Flat] Howdy.

Chang: I love textbooks. That's why I stole these.
Britta: All right, knock it off.
Chang: What?
Hickey: You gotta make it sound believable or you're not getting outta here.
Chang: [Whining] I'm trying.
Hickey: Try harder! Go.
Chang: I love textbooks. That's why I stole them. Mm. Look at this one. [Smooches] [Sighs] Stolen textbooks are the best kind. I stole all these books and put 'em in this room so I could come kiss them. That's all, thank you. [Sobbing] Please, I'm on parole!
Britta: Exactly. So keep your mouth shut or we'll send this file to everybody.
Chang: What do you mean "everybody"?
Britta: [As Gary Oldman] Everybody!
Jeff: Look, I can't do this anymore.
Shirley: What?
Jeff: I’m out. It's too far, it's too... evil. Look, you guys can split the money. I'm just gonna leave quietly. Good-bye. What the hell?
Hickey: Yeah?
Jeff: What the hell? Ow!
Shirley: I can't let you leave until we're done with this deal.
Jeff: Shirley, this is not what God wants you to be doing today!
Shirley: We had our chance to think about that. He dropped this on us like a ton of bricks. Right, Hickey?
Hickey: Oh, yeah, definitely. Not to say that this isn't getting insane.

Devin: [Over TV] Blackhat Bill sure ain't the forgivin' type. You! Green player!
Annie: Yes, partner?
Devin: You can do better than that, can't you?
Annie: Yes, pard-ner!
Devin: Pick another player that you want to draw a cactus card.
Annie: I choose Anthony! Anthony, draw a card. Oh! This is a good one. Keep this for when you're in a quick draw. Rachel, your turn!
Rachel: What do I do?
Abed: You roll, you roll. Here. There. My turn.
Annie: Stop! Snake bite! Lose a turn.
Abed: Anti-venom.
Annie: I’ll take two.
Devin: Draw!
Annie and Abed: Bang! Okay, I bid 5 b*ll*ts.
Annie: I raise 6.
Abed: 11.
Annie: Pass. Reverse!
Devin: Hold it!
Annie and Abed: Yee-haw!
Devin: Did you remember to say "yee-haw"? Anyone that didn't loses a turn. Collect your coins!
Annie: Anthony, I’ll trade you two snakes for a b*llet. Just say yes!
Anthony: I don't wanna die.
Abed: Stop her, Rachel, stop her!
Rachel: Bang?
Abed: No! Bid 5!
Devin: Tornado!
Annie and Abed: Tornado!
Annie: 9 tornado!
Abed: Pass! 7!
Annie: Reverse!
Abed: 2 tornado!
Annie: Pass!
Abed: Double!
Devin: Draw!
Annie and Abed: Bang!
[g*nsh*t]
Abed: Oh, come on. You son of a bitch!
Annie: Come on.
Devin: [Over TV] If one of you rolled your b*llet number, you're the winner! Fast-forward to the red screen to get your gold. Well, more food for the buzzards. Looks like modern times... have come after all. See ya in the city.
Anthony: I wanna go home.
Rachel: Me too.
Abed: No, we have to play again.
Rachel: Abed, I think you're having one of your special times, okay? So I'm gonna give you some space.
Abed: I don't want space. I want you to move in here.
Rachel: What?
Annie: But that's not resolved! Anthony might move in, so...
Anthony: What?
Annie: We want one of you to live with us.
Abed: Yeah, we're settling it with a game of Pile of b*ll*ts.
Rachel: That is not an explanation that should make anybody want to live here. Abed, I don't like this side of you, and I do not like that side of VCR technology. I am glad that it's a dead medium. That was very uncomfortable.
[Door opens, closes]
Anthony: I don't really know how girlfriends work, but I don't think you have one anymore.

Britta: [OVER PHONE] Okay, cool. See you there. [TO ALL] I’m meeting my guy in an hour. He wants to see a sample, set a price, and then we'll do the exchange.
Jeff: [Chucking] Oh, brother. So Britta doesn't know how much she's getting from this guy that none of us will ever see again. But she knows one thing for sure: She'll be right back with it so you can divvy it up, even Steven.
[Chang and Jeff laugh]
Chang: [Laughing] Oh, man, that is rich. What's supposed to stop her from robbing you guys blind? What are you gonna do, call the cops?
Shirley: I’ll go with her.
Jeff: Oh, yeah. Good plan.
Chang: Yeah, leave Hickey here, and the two of you do the deal.
Hickey: Yeah, what the hell? When did I volunteer for Guantanamo duty while you two traipse off to the Cuban equivalent of Las Vegas? Havana, right?
Britta: Guys, don't listen to Jeff. He's just trying to divide us.
Hickey: Says the woman who's willing to take care of the cash by herself.
Shirley: As if you're Mr. Trustworthy. Why do you have so much access to rope?
Hickey: Hey, you're the one who left the door unlocked so Chang could get in here. How do I know you didn't do that on purpose?
Britta: Guys. Guys! Calm down. I'm sure we can work this out. We just need to stay cool and talk it through.
Shirley: I’m sorry. That didn't work out the way I planned. I'm sorry. But you didn't leave me any choice. You were acting very poorly, I didn't know if I could trust you anymore! You dragged me into this. I didn't want this.

Annie: Huh? You're packing?
Anthony: Yeah.
Annie: You're leaving?
Anthony: Yeah.
Annie: Because of last night?
Anthony: Yeah. I just think there's some unresolved issues here.
Annie: You're right. I'm still really hurt by mom turning her back on me when I went to rehab. And I guess part of me was mad at you for siding with her, so I thought you moving in here was some kind of moral victory.
Anthony: What? No. I mean unresolved issues involving the black guy in all these photographs.
Annie: Troy?
Anthony: Hey, I don't know his name, man. I just know he's clearly left some kind of vacuum. And screw you. What did I have to do with mom? I was 13.

[Door opens, closes]
Rachel: Hey.
Abed: Hi. I'm here to do my third-act apology.
Rachel: Abed, I don't think...
Abed: Wait. Don't reject it until the whole thing's been served up. [TO PAVEL] Dobry. [TO RACHEL] Open your locker please. Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Abed: I wanna tell you something.
Rachel: Abed, this is adorable.
Abed: Just because it's adorable doesn't mean it's not important. Listen. I've been accelerating our relationship because I’ve been worried I wouldn't pass a lot of the tests. I wanted you to move in because I thought if Annie was around, I’d have less chance of screwing things up.
Rachel: You're not screwing things up, though.
Abed: That's good to know. But the problem with me will always be that I can never know for sure. There's not a huge amount of people in my life that haven't eventually kicked me out, and I don't always see it coming. I don't want it to happen with you.
Rachel: Well, don't manipulate me and don't keep secrets from me and we'll probably be okay.
Abed: Cool.
Rachel: [Gasps] It stopped raining.
Abed: Yeah, it sure did.
Rachel: Aww, you hired a stunt person.
Abed: No, I did not.

Buyer: Where'd you get these?
Shirley: They were an inheritance from my father. He was a collector.
Buyer: Mmhmm. How many?
Shirley: 120.
Buyer: Well, for the whole bunch, maybe 20.
Shirley: Thousand?
Buyer: Dollars.
Shirley: $20,000?
Buyer: 20 non-thousand dollars. 20 regular dollars. You might get that from a recycling place. These are misprints, honey. Check out page 105.
Shirley: Well, I can't because there's no page numbers.
Buyer: Ah! Well, that would be a problem. You know, "Class, turn to page..." There is no page... Oh, well, if there's no page number, you can't turn to it. I've better things to do with my life.

Abed: Although we haven't been saying it, Troy was an important part of our apartment. He kept the peace.
Annie: Yeah. Goin' a little crazy without him. Maybe we need to live with a therapist.
Abed: Or at least someone crazier than us. [sees Britta] Let's give Craigslist another try.
Annie: I think Craigslist is the way to go.
Abed: Yeah, that's a good idea.
Annie: Are you guys all wearing the same clothes from yesterday? We've been through some stuff.
Shirley: But we learned something.
Hickey: No, we didn't.
Shirley: We learned that sometimes there's no lesson.
Jeff: How is that learning?
Abed: We played Pile of b*ll*ts.
Shirley: Can we just get this meeting over with?
Annie: So how'd the cleanup go?
Abed: I learned how to smile.
Dean Pelton: Don't step, don't step to me. I like coffee and water, don't step to me. Uh, damn it! I lost it. I lost it!

Devin: Okay. I will get back to you. Thanks.
Devin’s partner: Who was that, sweetie?
Devin: Guess they want me for that Wild West videotape board game thing.
Devin’s partner: Pile of b*ll*ts?
Devin: Yeah.
Devin’s partner: Devin, you pick up that phone right now and you call these people and you tell 'em you want this part. These VCR games is where everything is headed. Can't you see that? You just became the Luke Skywalker of the new Star Wars. We've gotta move.
Devin: We do?
Devin’s partner: Oh, yes, indeedy. We have got to move to Los Angeles.
Devin: But I work here.
Devin’s partner: Oh, please. You call Apple computers work? What kind of company offers stock options as a Christmas bonus? That ship is sinkin'. Sweetie, remember when we were talkin' about trying cocaine?
Devin: Yeah...
Devin’s partner: I think we should start looking for some right now. Because we're gonna be able to afford it.
Devin: Okay. I mean, if you're sure.
Devin’s partner: I’ve never been more sure about anything in my entire life. Pile of b*ll*ts.
Devin: Pile of b*ll*ts.
[Both laugh]