02x05 - Joke Overload

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on Childrens Hospital...

And then we'll insert this tiny camera into your son's urethra and take pictures of his urinary tract.

What happened?

I lost another one.

Ooh, it never gets any easier, does it?

We're not gods.

No.

We're just men and women.

Ah, yeah.

Sal: Attention, staff.

I had that awful nightmare again.

All right, people, looks like a building collapsed downtown and two critically injured patients have been rerouted here for emergency treatment.

I'm putting my best doctors on it... Dr. Maestro, Dr. Richie, Dr. Flame, Dr. Fantastic.

Hey, hey, hey!

Chief: Dr. Downs, and that's it.

[Lola clears throat]

Mm, looks like somebody forgot their cough drop, Dr. Spratt.

Ooh. [Chief laughs]

God!

Let's show them what Childrens Hospital is all about.

Blake: Do it!

Doctor.

Okay.

You're a great surgeon.

Oh.

Mm.

This is why you went to medical school.

Yes.

Why is this part happening?

Your pupil dilation suggests of high bortiaphine levels, Captain.

Lieutenant, am I gonna make it?

Fear the borg may have contaminated your bloodstream with nano probes, sir.

Wow.

Good day, doctor.

I am Lieutenant D'Ghor Koru, medical officer on the starship Nivoa.

While attending a starfleet event nearby...

Um, you mean the "Nerd-Con" at the convention center next door?

[Lola chuckling] Okay.

Listen, Dildo, your friend is sick, you've never touched a tit in your life, and he needs a doctor... A real doctor, one who's been laid.

Now, I would do it, but come on.

Look at me.

Look at you.

Ah!

These are tits.

Do she think meant she would do it, like do us or... or do the procedure?

Procedure.

Yeah.

Dori, find another doctor to treat the dork in room 7.

Not gonna happen.

[Dori sighs]

Somebody please help me!

There's something wrong with my son.

And what is your name, sir?

Jeffrey Ross.

"Jeffrey Ross."

And occupation?

Insult comic and roastmaster general.

I'll take it from here, sir.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

We need a nurse, not Florence Nighting-whale.

[Laughter]

You know what?

You could play a house on "House."

[Laughter]

Oh, this is fun.

I've never roasted a pig before.

[Laughter]

Somebody please help my son!

Thank you!

They were rushed here from the building collapse.

This flagpole fell and pierced them both without hitting any major organs.

I don't want to be stuck next to this useless old dude!

I pity you, son.

Doctors, my name is Hubert McGraw.

I'm 67 years old.

I've lived a good life, and I want you to know I made peace with my God.

You guys better save me, or my dad's gonna sue the crap out of this place.

Jeffrey: Could someone please help me with my son?

I haven't seen this many guys on one pole since I went to that party at Andy d*ck's house.

[Laughter]

Jeffrey: Somebody please help my son!

Oh, my God, that's insult comic Jeff Ross.

I'm a huge fan of his.

Hey, you guys got this, right?

You just want to treat Jeffrey Ross' son, don't you?

No, no, no.

I want to not treat Jeffrey Ross' kid so he has to stay here longer.

We can enjoy his particular brand of ball-busting as long as we want.

Great idea, Blake.

With any luck, that kid will slip into a coma.

Oh, yeah.

Much like I do whenever I watch a roast Jeffrey Ross doesn't host.

[Blake laughs]

Okay. Cool.

Dr. Spratt, you have to help.

No other doctor wants to treat the nerd.

You have to see what's going on.

[Lola groans]

Much like I... much like I wa... a roast that he doesn't host.

[Laughter]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Screaming]

What is going on?

God, I hate you two!

What means this word, "hate"?

Where the hell is the bionic arm I asked you for?

It doesn't exist, you idiot.

Call security.

Yeah, okay.

Here, hold this incision open while I insert the transinducer.

What? No! No!

[Grunting]

Lola: Wait, what's happening?

[Monitor beeping]

What?

I feel... I feel strong.

I implanted a transinducer, Captain.

It's fighting the borg's techno-virus.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Starfleet Command will be made aware of what you did here today.

Why are you still talking like this?

Like what?

We are merely talking to each other with the honor, respect, and admiration that we've earned through years of serving together.

That was beautiful.

Oh, no.

Oh, man. This is awesome.

[Both grunting]

Thank you so much.

Let's just ease this off.

Yeah, he had a fever, an upset stomach, and then he just passed out.

Listen, I just have got to tell you how excited we all are to have you here today!

Yeah, it is exciting.

I mean, you are the king.

You're the king.

What happened to you, by the way?

What do you mean?

Here it comes.

The last chick I saw walking like you was Pam Anderson after she banged Tommy Lee.

[Laughter]

I have a degenerative nerve disorder that's slowly crippling me... started with my legs.

Yeah.

Can you help my son now?

Do me now. Do me.

How am I possibly worthy of insults?

Chief, we need you guys.

We have a situation here.

What started out as a routine multiple pole impaling has become a socioracial minefield.

We can only save one of the men.

This is a P.R. nightmare.

If we save the white kid, the press labels us r*cist.

And if we save the old jazz musician, then we'll lose the young white male in his prime.

Either way, we're in danger of inciting a real race w*r here, Chief.

Your call.

My instinct is to let them both die.

Let me k*ll them.

Yeah, do it. Go for it.

Wait! No! No. No.

What if someone finds out we let them die?

We're doctors and, damn it, we took an oath to first do no harm.

And that's what I intend to do in there... no first harm.

Who's with me?

[Chief clicks tongue]

Wet.

Glenn: What's the story, Nurse Beth?

Is it working?

The heart rates are falling.

Ah!

Well, we gave it a good sh*t, but one of these guys is gonna die.

I'm happy and content to give my life in order to save another.

Besides, I have terminal cancer, and it'll mean I'll be able to reunite with my dear, sweet Louise.

Okay.

I guess it's clear what we need to do.

Thank you, doctor.

Sorry, white kid.

He just said you should save me!

The choice is between tomorrow's headlines reading "Beloved grandfather, w*r hero, and black American lives through a tragedy" or "Doctors save hate-spewing, crappy-music-loving date r*pist."

We choose the latter.

Owen: No, the former.

What'd I say?

You said the latter.

[Laughter]

Let's do this, guys.

[Grunting]

Do your worst, sir.

Okay.

Uh, hold on. Hold on.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're so handicapped, that you need your own parking space, preferably one near the door.

[Both laugh]

I haven't heard this many bad jokes since Seinfeld first tried airplane food.

[Both laugh]

Jeffrey: Can you please help my son?

Chief, Dr. Downs, you're needed in the O.R.

Hey, listen, Jeff, why don't you come with us, huh?

It would be an honor to watch you employ the healing power of laughter.

We'll treat your son.

I'll be right back.

All right! We got him!

We got him!

Let's go.

Hang in there, buddy.

My chooq is still hard.

Yeah.

It wants to dock with your Tag'Nor again.

Dock it.

Dr. Spratt?

You're needed in the O.R.

N... needed?

What means this word, "needed"?

Come on!

Ensign Spratt, set phasers for stun.

I don't know how to do that.

Doctors, kindly step away from these men.

Lola, what are you doing?

What I should have been doing this entire time...

Getting a boyfriend.

And saving these men's lives.

Yes, and that.

We can't save the both of them!

I have taken a sworn oath to save every life I come in contact with!

Now step aside!

[Beeping]

Whoa!

Get a load of these guys.

You look like so-and-so and so-and-so had a baby.

Hey, that's... What was it, laundry day?

I don't know.

Something's wrong with me.

Too many insults in my head at once.

Hey, have you ever noticed... What was it?

Bea Arthur's d*ck.

I'm shutting down.

No, Jeff.

I'll be here all week.

Jeff.

That's my time, folks.

No!

Joke overload.

We lost Jeffrey Ross.

[Alarm beeping]

Valerie: And now these two are dead.

This is our last hope.

If I can reverse the polarity on this phaser, we can get them back.

But if I'm even a microsecond off, it could tear a hole in the fabric of space.

Do it!

[Grunts]

Aah!

Oh, he's doing it!

Ah!

Aah!

[Gasps]

Glenn: Hey.

Son of a bitch! He did it!

[Applause]

[Flatline]

[All groan]

What the hell is going on here?

You trusted these men's lives to this guy?

This place is full of doctors.

This is criminally irresponsible.

[Blake laughs]

[Laughter]

Hey, we just got roasted.

[Communicator beeps]

Captain Stern and Lieutenant Koru, ready to beam up.

No! Don't go!

But the galaxy needs me, just like you are needed here.

Lola: I understand.

So, we're cool?

Oh, yeah, we're good.

Okay, great.

[Communicator beeps]

Ready to be beamed up.

Oh, no, they... I... I told them.

Oh, sorry. Never mind.

I'm not trying to be a d*ck.

They just hate it when you...

No, no, I get it. I get it.

Okay.

Um, I may... I'm gonna move my car.

Yeah, I'm gonna...

I think I parked behind you.

You parked behind me?

Owen: I did, yeah.

Valerie: I'm gonna get some soup.

Glenn: I'm gonna move my car, 'cause I have the access... I guess...

We fool around, we joke, and... Two people d*ed today.

Sal: Attention... I totally don't get "Robot Chicken."