02x09 - The Coffee Machine Paid For Itself

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

All: Welcome... to... the new... episode... of...

"Childrens Hospital."

Nothing... to... set... up... this... week... because... this is... a... stand... alone... episode. Enjoy.

Ohh!

Valerie: Rules.

Rules are the boundaries between order and chaos.

But as the saying goes, rules were meant to be broken.

For instance... "Don't poop where you eat."

Shouldn't you be able to poop wherever you want?

Paperwork can suck my big, black...

Richard Gere is in a new movie.

It's called, My Big Black [Bleep].

Ah.

This came for you, Dr. Spratt.

I'm not waiting on any organs.

Are you sure it's for me?

Yup.

"Deliver to Lola Spratt."

Oh. Thanks, Dori.

No problem.

Hey, Glenn, nice haircut.

Did the band Fall Out Boy throw up on your head?

Oh, wait. Wait.

Fall Out boy Called, and they want their haircut back.

[Laughs] Nailed it.

Sal: Attention... Will the owner of the red jeep with the spoiler and 18-inch rims please stop lying to himself?

Hey, Glenn.

Oh, hey.

Nice hair.

Thank you.

Fall Out Boy is my favorite band.

I think I remember you mentioning that yesterday, right before I went to the hair salon. Weird.

What is with the, uh, big beige scrubs?

Oh, I only wear these when my regular ones are at the cleaners.

Oh.

These were my fat scrubs.

You were fat?

Mm.

But you're so smart.

That's me two years ago.

Wow!

I know.

That doesn't even look like you.

Tell me about it.

Wow.

You're way sexier now.

[Chuckles] Oh.

[Both chuckle]

Well, uh, guess I'll, uh... I'll see you later, alligator.

[Laughs]

Not if I see you later, alligator first, crocodile.

Enjoying the coffee?

Oh, you're the best, Sy. Thanks.

Aw, geez.

I'm so happy you're bouncing by.

Hey, sexy, give me some sugar.

Love that coffee machine, Sy.

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

When you do that, I can't breathe.

Oh, yeah.

Listen... I just got a call from corporate.

I have to rip $3,000 right out of the budget.

Yeah.

I have to get rid of the coffee maker.

Sy...

Great coffee, Sy.

People finally started liking you when you got that coffee maker.

No, no. If you have to save some money, fire a doctor.

A doctor? Who?

Who cares?

No, no, no.

I'll just keep watch and watch carefully which doctor is least good at her job.

Hey, have you seen Glenn's haircut?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Glenn's haircut.

Glenn's haircut who?

Fall Out Boy... That's who.

[Laughs] Nailed it.

I love Fall Out Boy.

Oh, my God.

He did it to impress you.

He likes you.

You think?

Yeah.

Yeah. What is that?

Oh, I don't know.

I think I'm supposed to put it into someone.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, see you later, alligator.

You're an alligator.

Chief: Uh-oh.

You looked at your coffee, and then you looked at Lola.

Chief: You want to fire Lola so you can keep the coffee machine.

Glenn: There you are.

Listen... I'm not going to b*at around the brisket.

What do you say you and me get a drink sometime?

Like on a date?

[Glenn chuckling] Yeah, like on a date, unless you don't date Jews.

Oh, I date cool Jews.

Uh-huh. [Both laugh]

Somebody call my name?

Glenn: Jewy McJewjew.

Glenn, that's so rude.

It's Rabbi Jewy McJewjew now, Glenn.

You guys know each other?

Glenn Richie... My old Hebrew school pal.

Pal? Hardly.

You used to steal all my girlfriends and leave them brokenhearted.

Glenn, I have no idea what you mean.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm the new hospital chaplain.

I love Charlie Chaplin.

[Jewy chuckles]

It's, uh, a little different than that.

Well, it was really nice meeting you, Rabbi McJewjew.

I'll see you around.

See you around, alligator.

[Valerie inhales sharply]

Hey, you stay away from her, Jewy.

Look, Glenn... What's past is past, but I've fallen hard for this girl, and I'm not gotta let her go just because you like her, too.

It's not personal.

Now, tell me... Who cut your hair?

Was it Pete Wentz, the lead singer of Fall Out Boy?

Nailed it.

[g*n cocks]

You're guilty... of having the best damn coffee within a 10-mile radius.

[Owen chuckles]

Detective Chance Briggs. You dirty S.O.B.!

What's my old partner doing here?

Well, I just downloaded this third-party coffee app on my Motorola clamshell.

It tells you where to find the best bean-juice around.

Well, we do have fantastic coffee.

Hey, when's the last time you had your prostate checked?

I don't have time for that kind of thing.

Um, do you have time for cancer?

Get in here.

No. You get in here.

I will.

[Both laugh]

Sal: "Attention": Notice taken of something or someone, the regarding of something as important or significant.

[Knock on door]

From the Latin "attendere."

Sy: Rabbi?

Sal: "Attention."

Oh, Sy, hello.

What's on your mind? You look troubled.

I really need to talk to you.

Yeah. I'm listening, Sy. You talk.

I can't decide between getting rid of Lola and getting rid of the coffee maker.

Well, you know, in Talmudic times, Rabbi Hillel was faced with a similar dilemma, and in his infinite wisdom, he decided to put a donation cup next to the coffee machine.

Within a few months, the coffee machine had paid for itself.

Well, it's not that simple, Rabbi.

If I charge them, they're going to hate me.

I just got them to like me.

I want them to like me.

Yeah.

When I was younger, my father was in the army, and I had to go to a German elementary school.

And since that time, I can't decide between what's right and being liked.

Well, yeah, I can see that with the soldiers taking the kid and all that business and... Yeah.

Okay, Sy, uh, let's circle back with you on that a little bit later, and we'll get that worked out for you.

Will you think about it?

Sure.

We'll, uh, get...

Hi.

Hi.

So, the prettiest shiksa in all of Brazil.

I'm sure you say that to all the goysas.

[Giggles]

Right.

Uh, so, uh, what can I do for you, Valerie?

I need you to hear my confession.

Well, yes.

Well, that is definitely something a rabbi can do.

Why don't you sit here with me, and we'll receive your confession.

Forgive me, Rabbi, for I have sinned.

You see, I have this... friend.

Okay, let's stop there, Valerie.

There is no friend, is there?

Let's be honest.

This friend is you, and you're talking about some kind of sexual tension.

Now, wait a second.

What?

Rabbis can't have sex?

On the contrary... Rabbis are forbidden to abstain from sex.

You know, to procreate is our duty to the race.

Then procreate me.

Except for the period of Hamanesh, which is the twelve days where I am forbidden to partake in the carnal desires.

[Mumbles]

However, it does end at sundown tonight.

Well, then I guess I'll see you later, alligator.

[Jewy speaking French]

Oh là là, I love it when a man can speak a little French.

I only have two hours. Sy.

Hmm?

Sy.

Hmm?

I need to learn a little French.

Do you know any?

No.

But I can teach you some German.

Fine, fine.

Any romance language will do. [Sy speaking German]

[Glenn speaking gibberish]

[Sy speaking German]

[Glenn speaking gibberish [Sy speaking German]

[Glenn speaking gibberish]

Okay.

You are going to feel a little bit of pressure here.

Ohh-kay! [Owen chuckles]

You know, this kind of reminds me of that drug bust back in Queens. You remember?

[Chuckles]

That's good.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You two... You're sure you're not cops?

What are you talking about, ese?

Are you loco?

We're Puerto Rican g*ng members, just like you.

Hey, amigo, you want to go to Chipotle after this?

How does that remind you of this?

Oh, it's relevant.

I promise.

You just keep remembering.

Okay.

If you two ain't cops, then I want you to give him a prostate exam right now.

I still don't see how that proved we weren't cops.

I have got to figure out what kind of organ this is.

That's not an organ.

That's a pork shoulder.

Pork shoulder?

Why would someone send me pork shoulder? I'm Muslim.

"Deliver to Lola Spratt."

Wait a second.

Turn that label upside down.

What?

Damn it, McJewjew.

Glenn: Valerie!

Glenn, what are you doing?

Jewy: This is highly offensive, Glenn.

As offensive as this, Jewy?

Pork?

Rabbis don't eat pork. [Jewy chuckles nervously]

Jewy, is this your pork?

Is this your pork, Jewy?

I... I know it looks kind of, uh, like a... er, uh. You see... Uhhh...

Valerie: Maybe the rules are there to protect us, after all.

It's better you found out now.

It just hurts so bad.

I know.

[Valrie exhales heavily]

Maybe we can get that drink now.

Oh, Glenn.

I'm done with Jews.

Besides, we work together.

Valerie: Oh!

"Don't poop where you eat."

It's a metaphor.

[Briggs chuckles] You still got the touch.

Great to see you, bud.

You too.

Hey, by the way, you do have butt cancer.

If you don't seek treatment immediately, you're gonna die soon.

Some for you... Some for you... Some for you...

Some for you... And something for you.

You're fired, Dr. Spratt, because I would rather be liked than right.

Hey, listen up, everybody... Say goodbye to Mr. Nice Guy.

Say hello to Mr. Coffee. [Laughs]

Valerie: So, Sy resolved his dilemma.

Glenn: A reference to the product! Perfect!

Valerie: By f*ring Lola, he could afford to keep the coffee machine.

You could say he bought his popularity for the small price of his soul.

I guess rules are just suggestions.

Like, it's not literally about pooping where you eat.

Sometimes when you're really hungry and you really have to take a dump, you got to do what you got to do.

Man, those Puerto Ricans can cook.

Sal: Attention... Thirty days in the cooler. Hogan!