02x12 - The Sultan's Finger

[bunniefuu]

Welcome, friends, to the season finale of "Childrens Hospital."

Tonight, we're doing something very special.

We're broadcasting live, as it happens... Aah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, David.

Are you okay?

I... I really hurt my head.

No re-takes, no editing.

You'll watch the drama unfold in real time as our actors perform it in front of our three cameras.

So, ready titles.

We're going live now.

Hey, Glenn, what's the matter?

Oh, this whole Valerie thing. I can't get over it.

I wonder if I'll just be alone forever.

You can always watch television.

Do you like television?

"Big Bang Theory" has its moments.

I'm a news junkie.

You put on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, I'm done.

Hey, can we help you?

I'm the special envoy for Sultan Habrah Bin Baneez of Sardonia.

Lola: Did you get any of that?

Gobbledygook.

There's been an emergency.

The sultan is on diplomatic business, and his index finger has been severed by a deli slicer at Whole Foods.

Why was he using the deli slicer?

No time to explain.

This is the closest hospital, and you must reattach the royal finger.

The sultan will be here in five minutes.

But we don't have a hand surgeon here.

We used to have one.

Her name was Cat Black, but she d*ed in childbirth.

R-I-P.

L-O-L.

I can do it.

Blake?

Before Cat d*ed, she taught me everything she knew about hand surgery.

The richest and most powerful sultan in the Middle East would not be treated by a clown. Or a Jew.

Fine. Suit yourself.

Hey, Blake, you're being selfish!

Take off the stupid makeup and do the operation.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe I should take off my stupid integrity too, huh?

[Chuckles]

Hey, this man could die, and he's the only hope for peace in the Middle East.

And how do you know that?

Because I'm a news junkie.

Put on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and I'm done.

Now, what are you, Blake?

A clown or a fool?

Wain: Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down!

[Crashing]

Camera three, camera three!

Two cameras are down.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Are we gonna cut?

Wain: We're live.

We've got to do the whole thing with one camera.

Well, then let's get back to what we were talking about.

You're gonna have blood on your hands if you don't help this guy.

I can't. I can't do this.

You can't do the operation?

I can't do this, man. I can't do this, okay?

I got... I got no theater training.

Wain: Where is he going?

Stay in it.

No, you stay in it!

Well, if Blake were here, he'd say something like, "Owen, you do the surgery."

And I'd say, "I can't do it. I'm not a hand specialist."

Blah, blah, blah.

And then, uh... And then Blake would come back with a, "Well, then he's gonna have to go to a different hospital," but he'd say it like he would say it.

And we'd... Yeah, we'd just go back and forth.

Like, I'd say a line, and then he would say a line and then...

You're Blake?

Because I'm a news junkie, Blake.

Put on CNN, MSNB... Yes.

You're the one who has to get real.

Sorry, Owen.

You can tell them not to bother sending in the clowns because these colors don't run.

Suddenly Lola runs in!

Guys, the sultan's arriving now!

Guys, the sultan's arriving now...

You stand down, Blake, you coward!

You let the real surgeons handle this.

Yeah, come on!

Sultan Habrah bin Baneez of Sardonia!

[Speaking Arabic]

Sultan would like to meet the hand specialist that will make him whole again.

Yes, the hand specialist is not here right now.

He's performing a very important hand job.

[Speaking Arabic]

[Speaking Arabic]

Sultan would like to know where is Malik?

Oh! Oh! Malik!

I never knew I could love again so deeply and so out of context.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Darling, what is it?

The customs of my country dictate that I must marry a woman with royal blood.

I'm sorry.

But I do have royal blood.

Yeah, I totally have it.

Well, that's wonderful!

I mean you must submit to a DNA test, but that's only a formality, of course.

Ehh!

Wain: No, right there!

Who... Who am I?

What do I stand for?

The makeup or the man?

Perhaps the time has come.

All right, all right.

If Gene Simmons...

Hey, I'll do it, I'll do it. Go, go, go.

Who am I... I got it, I got it!

Who am I, anyway... The makeup or the man?

Perhaps the time has come.

If Gene Simmons can take off his makeup, so can I.

Valerie, Valerie, I can't take it anymore.

I want you.

I want you, too, Glenn, as a friend.

I just... You're not self-sacrificing and gutsy enough to be my lover.

I'm sorry.

I am! I'm self-sacrificing.

No, you're not.

I am!

The sultan is now leaving and will likely die from having no finger.

Wait! The finger surgeon has arrived.

And he's ready to operate.

Oh, my God!

I had no idea that's what you looked like with no makeup.

Well, this is it, and it feels so good to be 100% free of that makeup.

Now people will judge me for the content of my character.

Now let's get this towelhead up to the O.R., huh?

Let's do it!

Let's cut him open!

Get him to the elevator!

Come on, people!

Go, go, go!

Push the button!

There's no time!

Wain: Uh, attention hospital staff... The elevator, which was supposed to be fixed by now, apparently hasn't been fixed so you have to take the stairs.

Stairs!

He's not going to fit. It's not gonna fit.

We can't take the gurney through the stairs.

No, no, I'm good. I'm good, it's fine.

Glenn, press the button! Third floor!

That dialogue isn't relevant anymore.

Oh, there's a lot of stairs.

I think I sprained my taint.

Oh, hi, Dr. Gaffer.

Slow down.

Everybody slow down.

I thought they were supposed to fix the elevator in this place!

The elevator's haven't been working since they sh*t "Scrubs" here.

[All breathing heavily]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Valerie, prepare the anesthetic.

Wait... Wait a second.

Into the O.R.!

Come on, come on.

One second.

Okay!

Come on, get the finger. Where's the finger? Who's got it?

Where is it?

Doctors, doctors, can I speak to you?

I can't find the finger.

I swear I had it, but I can't find it!

Well, that sucks.

I'll cut off my own finger!

The sultan will never know the difference.

How self-sacrificing and gutsy of you.

That was my intention.

Now let's go to Room 16 and cut off my finger.

Wait.

Uh, okay, wrong door, wrong door.

Here we go.

Now I'm going to put my hand... [Clattering]

I'm going to put my hand on the table, and...

Cut my finger...

Wait. Before you do that...

Valerie. Here goes.

Owwww!

What a brave sacrifice.

No, I really... I really cut my hand!

To save a great leader!

No, shut up, shut up!

Shut up. I need a doctor.

I need a real doctor.

I'm not kidding.

I really cut myself.

Just in the name of love, you did it.

Are you stupid?

Do you understand what's happening here?

I cut right through the bone.

Oh, I got to go to the doctor.

Oh, I got to go... Get out of my way!

Well, we have Glenn's finger.

Yes.

We can move on to the, uh... operation scene room.

Okay.

Yes.

Owen: All right, great.

We have the finger right now, Mr. Sultan.

Let's do this. I'm ready.

Good. Because there's no time. We're losing him!

Then you know what? Give me that scalpel.

[Lola gasps]

Oh, my God. Valerie, what's going on?

You're suffering from temporary onset of arthromendicular cralosis.

English!

Shaky hands.

In Hindi?

[Valerie speaks Hindi]

Oy!

It's like my brain knows what to do but my hand is junk.

Damn it!

There's only one other doctor that could do this procedure, and that's Cat Black.

That's Cat Black to you.

[Lola gasps] Cat!

Oh, my God!

Wait!

We watched you die right here in this room.

Oh, it's a long boring story, but the basic thing is I didn't die.

But my brain was washed of all medical knowledge.

Oh.

Wait a second. That's it.

With Blake's medical know-how and your muscle memory, we just might be able to...

Wait a minute, Owen.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I assume so. I basically said it.

Cat, are you ready for this?

Let's do it.

Let's go! Scramble!

Get to your positions!

Okay.

Cat, take the finger.

Now put it where his finger used to be.

Now suture...

Yeah.

And sew it up.

That's it.

We're done!

[All cheering]

Chief: Malik! Malik, darling.

Chief, we did it!

Wonderful.

And I'm ready for that DNA test now.

Let's do it. Give me your finger, my love.

I have the DNA test.

Chief, what is this?

Okay, okay, I'll come clean.

I'm not royalty, Malik.

I thought if I stole the sultan's finger I could cheat the DNA test and then you'd marry me.

Do you hate me?

Uh, yes.

Valerie: Wait.

I have something to come clean about, too.

I'm not who you think I am.

I didn't come here as Cat Black's replacement.

I came here to settle a score.

When Arthur Childrens founded this hospital, he had an illegitimate son that he kept hidden from the hospital gentry at that time.

For I am not Valerie Flame, daughter of Alma and Telery Flame.

I'm Derrick Childrens!

Chief: What?

Long lost son of Arthur Childrens.

Derrick Childrens.

Derrick Childrens.

Lucky to be a woman.

Was the best part of my manhood, the best part of myself.

This is one nutty hospital.

[Laughter]

Wain: Uh, atten... Attention hospital staff.

There's a new patient coming in.

His name is Mr. "Philip Time," and he'll be here for about twenty seconds.

That's "Phil Time" for twenty seconds.

[Chief clears throat]

Um... S... Scalpel?

Oh, I know! I could do...

Sal: Attention... You're the only one who can hear me.

Trippy, right?