04x02 - Staff Dance

[bunniefuu]

Blake: Oh, man, you were great in there, Owen.

Owen: Tell me something that I don't know.

Blake: Okay.

Uh...I play upright bass for the Barenaked Ladies.

Owen: That's you?

Blake: [ Laughing ] Yeah.

Owen: Oh!

Sal: Cut loose, footloose, both feet lose, in fact.

Kick off your Sunday shoes and put on your Thursday shoes because the staff dance is tonight -- Thursday.

Valerie: Yes! I love dancing.

I mean give me a 6/8 time signature and my feet just start flying.

Dori: Really?

Valerie: Yeah.

Dori: I'm more of 12/8 type, you know, doo-wop, jigs.

Valerie: Really?

Dori: Yeah.

Valerie: What about a 3/4, boop-bah-bah, boop-bah-bah.

Dori: Oh, yeah.

Valerie: What about you, Lola?

If you were a time signature, which one would you be?

Lola: Zero-over-zero.

I'm a terrible dancer.

Valerie: You know, I once knew a girl in college who didn't know how to dance.

Lola: Yeah?

Valerie: She d*ed of a skin disease.

Was there a connection?

I'd like to think so.

Lola: Oh. Well, have a good time tonight, you guys, 'cause I'm not going.

Valerie: What about you, chief?

Chief: Oh, I can't go to the dance.

It doesn't start until 7:00 and the rapture is happening at 6:00, so I'll be dancing, but in Christ's heavenly kingdom by then.

Probably nude.

Chet: Breaker, breaker.

Childrens Hospital, this is the Bearded Clam.

Sy: Uh, h-hello, Bearded Clam.

Uh, this is Sy.

How are you?

Okay. Okay. Um... uh, Bearded Clam, 10-4.

This is the Boston strangler.

Chet: Wait. That's your handle?

Sy: Well, it's a long story.

Let's just say I lived in Boston in the '60s, and I'm smarter than the police.

What can I do for you?

Chet: I got a 16-year-old needs emergency heart surgery.

[ Engine stops ]

Uh-oh.

Sy: "Uh-oh."

What does that mean, "Uh-oh?"

Chet: I'm out of gas!

I'm not gonna make it.

Sy: All right.

Well, how close are you?

Chet: 10, maybe 20 yards.

It's hard to tell.

Sy: How long would it take you to run to the nearest gas station, get a gas can, fill it with gas, run back, and pour it into the ambulance?

Chet: With my asthma?

Too long.

Sy: Then you're gonna have to perform this operation on your own, Chet.

Chet: What?! No!

No, I'm a paramedic, I --

Sy: You're whatever God needs you to be.

And right now, she needs you to be a top-notch heart surgeon.

Sal: Attention, staff.

I'm doing air quotes as I say this.

Owen: Excuse me. Can I help you?

[ Gasps ]

You're international pop superstar Madonna!

Madonna: The one and only.

Owen: What brings you to our little hospital, Madonna?

Madonna: You know how doctors are always the unsung heroes.

I want to make them the sung heroes by singing about them.

So I guess I'm here for a little inspiration.

Owen: Well, allow me to give you the V.I.P. tour, Madonna.

Madonna: All right.

Owen: Oh, Madonna.

I have always wanted to ask you, what is Michael Jackson like?

Madonna: Well, off-camera, he was surprisingly fat.

Glenn: Hey, Lola.

Lola: Hey.

Glenn: I heard about your "dilemon."

Well, how about we make some "dilemonade?"

You don't have to miss out.

I can teach you how to dance.

Lola: You can do that by tonight?

Glenn: Watch this.

Oh, here we go.

Turn around.

Lola: Whaa! What! How did...

Glenn: Hey.

Meet me in the hospital dance rehearsal room in an hour.

We got work to do.

Lola: Oh.

Sy: All right, if I understand how these things go, the first thing you need is something to cut with.

Chet: Nothing like that here.

Oh, wait!

I've got an idea.

Sy: Now, you'll need something to sterilize with.

Chet: I've got some wite-out and a trojan extra ribbed condom.

Mommy said I'd never get a chance to use this.

I guess mommy can burn in hell.

I'm the man who's gonna save your life!!

Don't be scared!!

Owen: See, Madonna, there's tons of inspiring stuff in a hospital.

Take these elevators -- I can think of plenty of things that rhyme with elevator -- calculator, smell ya later, alligator.

Madonna: Mm, what else?

Owen: Space invader, decorator.

Valerie: Oh, God.

Is that Madonna with Owen?

Chief: Yes, it is.

And you and she can share a room in hell, unless you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior within the next three hours.

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Glenn: No.

No, no, no!

Not so controlled.

att*ck it!

att*ck it! att*ck it!

Seduce us! Damn it!

Lola: I don't know!

Glenn: Turn around.

Lola: Whaa! Whoa! Whoa! No!

That's not what I signed on for!

Is that even dance?

Glenn: Are you questioning me?

I studied at the Alvin Ailey dance company for 16 years.

Lola: Really?

Glenn: r*cist!

I'm not gonna dignify that with an answer, but I did and you are a r*cist.

Lola: I'm sorry.

I just -- you're right.

It's just -- God, dance is as foreign to me as Mario Andretti.

Glenn: Racer.

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response, but I will --

He is a racecar driver.

Lola, listen to me.

I know it's hard, but you got to trust me on this. Relax.

This is all part of the dance.

Lola: Okay.

Glenn: All right.

Lola: Oh. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

That's all part of the dance.

Chet: Listen, I got the chest open, but I hit a road block at the rib cage.

Sy: All right, you need something that says bone saw or rib spreader.

Chet: Alls I've got is the bone saw and rib spreader that God gave me.

Glenn: And one and two, and one and two, and one and I want to make love to you right now.

Lola: What are you doing?

Glenn: It's called an adagio.

These are basic dance moves that include speaking the line "I want to make love to you right now."

Maybe you're not ready for this staff dance.

Lola: I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Glenn: Wastist!

Lola: No, Glenn!

Wait!

I-I was scared.

Please, don't give up on me.

I was ready to give up, but then I saw you rip off those warmers and I just --

Glenn: Shh.

Now that you're ready to work, as a dancer... Lola: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: ...I want you to insert this diaphragm.

And as a dancer, try not to make it all weird.

Chief: [ Laughs ]

Oh, my gosh!

Here we go.

Okay, three, two, one.

I'm ready, Jesus!

Jesus?

Ready.

[ Sighs ] Aww, nuts.

Sy: Have you gotten through the rib cage yet?

Chet: [ Grunts ]

Oh, whoopsie!

Looks like I got through a while ago.

Sy: Well done, Bearded Clam.

You're great.

Valerie: Here you go, Chet.

Chet: Oh, thanks, val.

Valerie: 'Cause I thought you'd be thirsty.

Chet: Whoo!

Got to get this finished in time to take a shower before the big dance.

So I can dance with chief.

Valerie: Well, I've already had a shower, so if you want, I can do this?

Chet: Oh, you know what? That would be great.

Valerie: I'm also a trained heart surgeon, so that works.

Chet: Oh, very cool. Okay.

Let me get out of your way.

Valerie: All right.

Chet: Good luck.

Valerie: Thanks.

Lola: Whoo, yeah.

I think I've got the hang of it.

Thanks, Glenn.

Dancing sure makes me feel... Relaxed.

Glenn: Well, it does do that.

Oh, and one other note.

You don't have to call out "Oh, God!" at the end of every dance.

No, you can just shout out anything you want.

Lola: Okay.

Glenn: Just don't use the "N" word, that's my thing.

Lola: Okay.

Madonna: Nothing, nothing.

I give up.

I don't have my song.

Owen: Aw.

Madonna: I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm another 100-hit wonder.

Dori: Can we get a hand over here?!

Owen: What is it?

Valerie: All right, give me 50cc of propylene glycol.

Owen: Madonna?

Dori: Do you think he's gonna make it, Dr. Flame?

Owen: You see something, girl?

Valerie: I don't know, Dori.

We never know, do we?

We just do our best.

Owen: Did you see something, Madonna?

Valerie: We're just people behind these masks.

People behind these masks.

Madonna: People behind these masks.

That's it.

I have my song.

Owen: Did you see a situation that inspired you?

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Have you seen Glenn and Lola dancing?

Dori: No.

Owen: They're amazing!

Dori: [ Gasps ] Wow!

Lola: Wow, I'm so relieved that we hired look-alikes to dance for us.

Glenn: That's not dancing.

♪ Tell me, what you gonna do ♪
♪ when love's on your door... ♪

Sy: Hi.

I thought you were gonna change and shower.

Chet: I did.

Sy: Well, the chief is right over there.

Go get her.

Chet: Uh, I-I don't know how.

Sy: Okay.

Uh...Breaker, breaker.

This is the Boston strangler.

Chet: 10-4, good buddy.

This is the Bearded Clam, over.

Sy: Bearded Clam, just go over there and be yourself.

Chet: Myself.

My true secret self.

Sy: Well, maybe not that.

Chet: Chief?

Those are chief's clothes!

Oh, my God!

She's ascended to heaven!

Chief: Hey, everybody!

The scripture is a liar, so let's strip down and party!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Owen: Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

I've got a very special treat for you.

With the world premiere of her brand-new song about what amazing doctors we are, please welcome my hero, Madonna!

Lola: What's he talking about?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Madonna: Thank you.

This song is called, "The People Behind These Masks."

Dori: That's us.

Madonna: Give me a 6/8 blues riff.

Valerie: 6/8, yes!

Madonna: ♪ dance, dance ♪
♪ everybody, dance ♪
♪ get on the floor and get your dance ♪
♪ you, get on the floor, open the door ♪
♪ and b*at is the music, is the song ♪
♪ that is b*at ♪
♪ you know it, do it ♪
♪ Pillsbury dough it, take the b*llet ♪

Lola: Wow.

She really gets what it's like to be a doctor.

Madonna: ♪ take the b*at, use your feet ♪
♪ dance ♪
♪ do your dance, do your dance with a song ♪
♪ do your dance, do your dance ♪
♪ balloons take the take ♪
♪ they take on the make 'cause they're in, out ♪
♪ it's the song that's going to end ♪
♪ it's the song that's going, stop the song ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

What else do you want to hear?

"Material Girl"? "Like a Virgin"?

Glenn: No.

Let's hear something from the public domain.

How about "When The Saints Go Marching In"?

[ Cheering ]

It's probably safer.

Lola: Yeah.

Madonna: Hit it.

♪ Oh, saints, saints, saints ♪
♪ oh, saints go ♪

All: ♪ go marching in ♪

Madonna: ♪ when the saints ♪

All: ♪ go marching in ♪

Madonna: ♪ go marching in ♪

All: ♪ oh, I want to be in that number ♪
♪ oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

Madonna: ♪ do the saints go to heaven? ♪
♪ take a saint four, five, six, seven ♪

All: ♪ go marching in ♪

Madonna: ♪ saint, saint, go, go ♪

All: ♪ saint, saint, saint ♪

Madonna: ♪ saints go march ♪
♪ they all march to April, may, and march ♪
♪ Peter, Paul, Mary, John ♪
♪ saints one and all ♪
♪ take them down, put them in a pie ♪
♪ saints, I'm not lost ♪
♪ you figure it out ♪
♪ you're the one that's dumb ♪

Sal: Attention, staff.

You call it dancing, I call it tomahto.

That is all.[/i]