04x06 - The Return of the Young Billionaire

[bunniefuu]

Blake: Does your son ever experience fainting spells?

No.

Blake: I thought you said your son never experienced fainting spells?

That is not my son.

[ "The Pink Panther" -style music plays ]

Owen: Hey, Dori.

You paged me?

Dori: Yes, Dr. Maestro.

Take a look at this X-ray.

Owen: That's weird.

Hey, kid, you're supposed to unwrap your candy before you eat it.

I didn't eat it.

I mean, I did.

I just can't -- I can't talk about it.

Owen: Sheesh. Catch all that?

Dori: Yeah.

He said, "I didn't eat it!

I mean, I did.

I just -- I can't talk about it."

Owen: Yeah, that's it -- verbatim.

Makes me wonder what he's hiding.

Dori: Yeah. Not me.

Lola: Ooh, chief, your walker could use some WD-40.

Chief: Ha, are you kidding me?

On my salary, I can't even afford WD-30.

[ Laughs ]

I'm joking, of course.

I can afford it, technically.

It's just that things have been a little tight, financially.

Lola: Oh.

Well, fix the walker.

Richard: Uh, excuse me, Dr. Spratt?

Lola: Yes?

Richard: I never got a chance to properly thank you for the heart transplant eight years ago.

Lola: Aww. You're welcome.

Chief: Why, you're Richard Jarvis, aren't you?

You're a billionaire!

Richard: That's right.

And every time my new heart beats, I think of you, Lola Adolph Spratt.

Chief: Interestingly, I, too, am on Google.

Richard: To show my appreciation, I'd like to give the hospital a brand-new, handcrafted baccarat table, edged in 24-karat gold.

Lola: Wow, Richard.

That is very generous, but I wonder if the hospital couldn't use something a little more lifesaving-ish?

We're not impressed with your money.

Chief: Why, I think it's a great idea, Richard.

We'd play so much more baccarat if we had a nice table.

Richard: Lola, you saved the life of a boy who went on to become the world's youngest billionaire.

Don't you think you deserve to enjoy a rich man's game of chance?

Chief: Yes! We'll take it!

Richard: Great.

I'll have the table flown in on my non-invisible jet.

Lola: So it's visible.

It's a visible jet?

Richard: Yes, but it's still a jet.

Beth: [ Speaks indistinctly ]

Sy: Ta-da!

Carrie, it's time for you to meet your helper animal.

Daisy is trained to help you do things you can't do for yourself right now like crossing the street, opening the door, keeping you company.

Carrie: I hope it's a dog.

Sy: And I hope it's a snake!

Because that's what it is!

Say hi to Daisy!

All right. Relax.

Let go.

She's very strong.

Yep. There we go.

Beth: Sy, is this your attempt to pinch pennies by not getting a real helper animal?

Sy: Well, yes and no.

Ultimately, yes.

I just assume a snake can do everything a dog can do.

Daisy, turn on the TV.

Huh?

Carrie: But you did that.

Sy: Yeah, but what dog do you know that can turn on a TV?

And don't say snoopy, 'cause that dog can do anything.

[ Glass shatters ]

Daisy, quick! Break a lamp!

Owen: You listen to me!

I got five different kids out there crapping wrapped candy, and nobody's talking.

Spill it, you son of a bitch!

I don't know how it got there.

Leave me alone!

Lacey: "Leave me alone."

Sounds like my ex-husband.

Owen: Detective Lacey Briggs, I haven't seen you since you divorced my old partner and dedicated your life to hitting on me, his best friend.

Lacey: Well, let's just say I hate my ex-husband, and I want to have sex with you.

Owen: You better watch it.

That candy just came out of some sick kid's bottom.

Lacey: Please.

This mouth has been in places your pretty little face wouldn't take a crap on with that nurse's d*ck.

Dori: Hmm.

Lacey: Since when do kids eat candy with the wrappers on them?

Is that today's version of streaking?

Owen: I don't know, because I can't get this punk to talk.

Lacey: Too bad.

Looks like someone's gonna have to go to bed a little early without any bedtime stories.

No!

Owen: Hey!

Take it easy, cop!

He's just a kid!

Lacey: Well, I don't want to do it, but someone's gonna have to cancel the pizza party this weekend.

Okay, okay!

It's from yummy candy corporation, in the Latin quarter.

Owen: Nice work.

Lacey: Yeah.

I'm good with kids.

You should sh**t one in me some time.

Looks like our next stop -- Latin quarter.

Owen: Briggs, I can't go with you.

I'm not a cop anymore.

Lacey: Well, then, we're just gonna have to make you one.

You promise to back me up, no matter what, till death do us part?

Owen: I do.

Lacey: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you recopped.

Don't stop till you drop.

Lola: Richard, if you're trying to impress me --

Richard: Oh, please.

Many baccarat tables have the name "Lola" encrusted on them in diamonds.

Why?

Is it doing anything for you?

Lola: Richard, you're a teenage boy.

Richard: Who has the heart of a 40-year-old man.

And you put it in me.

So, technically, I'm older than you.

But, hey, I've got a thing for younger women.

Lola: It's not working!

Richard: I grew a mustache for you.

Lola: [ Sighs ]

Chief: Well, hello, there, Richard, or is it tom Selleck?

I will literally do anything you want!

I have no moral compass!

Beth: Maybe we should just spend the money on a real helper animal, Sy.

Sy: Oh, don't be silly.

Daisy can do things that other animals can't.

There you go. Look at that.

Is that not cute as hell?

They're BFFs!

Carrie: [ Whimpers ]

Sy: Let's go get a smoke.

Beth: Okay.

Carrie: No!

Get away from me!

Lola: Chief, you've got to stop flirting with Richard.

Chief: I can't help it.

I feel like I have a connection with his money.

Lola: But money doesn't buy happiness!

Chief: Shut up!

[ Gasps ]

Well...

Richard: Lola, I just wanted to let you know that I've thought a lot about what you were saying, and, uh, the baccarat table has been returned, and that money is being used to create the Lola Spratt foundation to help the hungry.

Lola: Oh, Richard, that's awfully generous.

Chief: That's disgusting!

Lola, don't you see what's happening?

He's trying to --

Lola: Shut up!

Lacey: He'll only be asleep for a few minutes, so we got to move.

[ Gagging ]

Lacey: What kind of candy company is this?

Owen: I don't know.

Could be a sole proprietorship.

Might be an S corp for tax purposes.

Lacey: They're stuffing those kids with hard candy.

But why?

Owen: I think I know.

Lacey: Are you gonna tell me, or...

Lola: I just want it the way that I want it.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Thank you.

Chief: Is that a mink coat, you d*ck?

Lola: Look, I know what you're thinking, and, yes, Richard bought me this mink.

Chief: Whatever happened to "money can't buy happiness"?

Lola: Well, Richard says that the figurehead of a high-profile charitable foundation has to look her best.

Also, this feels like angels' pubic hair.

Richard: For you, Lola Spratt, who is not fat.

In fact, is very lean.

Lola: Well, hickory dickory dock, I love my new necklace and my frock.

[ Laughs ]

Dicky and I like to mother goose it up sometimes.

With all the foundation work, we sometimes just got to take a break and get stupid, you know?

Richard: Ohh...

Chief: [Bleep] the both of you.

Lola: [ Gasps ]

Richard: Oh, hey, don't let her get to you.

Listen, since this is your inaugural fundraiser party, I've arranged a very special party favor that only the upper echelons know about.

Come with me.

Lola: Ooh!

Oh, my God!

Is that a --

Richard: Yes.

A human piñata.

It's the new rich rage.

All the rich people do it.

His belly is full of candy, but not for long.

Lola: I don't know --

Richard: Oh, take a few whacks.

I promise you, once you've flown first class, you'll never go back to paper-mache.

Lola: Um...

Lacey: Freeze, scumbag!

Owen: And doctor I work with.

Lacey: You're under arrest for using human beings as piñatas.

Using poor kids as party favors?

That's wrong.

Richard: I'm confused.

How is it wrong?

Owen: Because it's a crime!

Richard: Ah, I see.

Lola: But it's a victimless crime.

Lacey: No, ma'am.

It's the most victim-full crime I've ever seen in my life!

Richard: Oh, tomayto, tomahto.

Owen: Tomayto, tomayto.

Richard: I guess I'm confused.

Owen: Okay.

Let me try to break this down for you.

You see that hitting other kids with sticks is wrong.

Richard: Yeah, absolutely.

Owen: So then --

Richard: Unless they're stuffed with candy.

Owen: There's the confusion.

Lola: Oh, okay. Yeah.

I see what you're talking about, Owen.

Oh, Richard, you're horrible.

I'm so sorry.

I just got seduced by the money.

I mean, feel this coat.

Lacey: Oh, wow!

Richard: What's the point of replacing my heart if you're just gonna tear it up again, Lola?

Lola: Richard, we gave you an organ that pumps blood, but you don't have a heart.

Richard: Okay. I get it.

I bid you all farewell, then.

It was nice meeting you all.

Lola: It was so nice to meet you.

Owen: Take it easy.

Lola: Safe travels.

Beth: Come quick, everyone!

Sy: Bad snake! Bad snake!

Ooh!

Lola: What?!

Sy: Well, okay.

So, they were hugging.

Just hugging.

Carrie: [ Muffled ] I'm in here!

Lola: All right, all right.

Step back. I got this one.

All right.

[ Grunting ]

Come on, piñata! Let's go!

[ Both grunting ]

Sy: Aaaaaah!

How was it inside the snake?

Carrie: Disgusting.

Sy: Yeah.

Owen: Hey! Good work on that helper animal.

Lola: Thanks.

Owen: You know, we make a pretty good team.

Lacey: Yeah?

Owen: I'm almost sorry we can't be together.

Lacey: Oh, we're together.

I had us married during the recopping ceremony.

Blake: Hey, was that dot-com billionaire Richard Jarvis I saw fly away in a non-invisible jet?

Lacey: Oh.

We should have arrested that guy.

Owen: Yeah.

Lacey: Endangerment, kidnapping.

Owen: Conspiracy, fraud, attempted m*rder.

Blake: And now we'll never know where he's been hiding that pink panther diamond.

[ "The pink panther"-style music plays ]

Sal: Attention, staff.

Non-invisible cannot be used in place of forceps.

That is all.