Glenn: Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
Bad news is, the cancer has spread to the brain.
The good news is, it's carnivale!
[ Laughs ]
Lola: It just feels so right to be back together again.
Why did we ever break up in the first place?
Owen: I don't know.
Oh -- I cheated on you a number of times.
Lola: Right.
Well, mister, if you cheat on me one more time, I will not repeat this cycle of abuse and trust yet again.
Dr. Spratt: She has daddy issues.
Lola: Maxine.
Dr. Spratt: Luckily, our father d*ed before he could destroy my confidence and perfect looks.
Lola: What are you doing here, Maxine?
Why are you dressed like a doctor?
Dr. Spratt: Because I suddenly am one, proving once again that I can do anything you can do -- only prettier.
Hi. I'm Dr. Maxine Spratt, Lola's much younger sister.
You're supposed to show me the ropes today?
Owen: That's a coincidence because I showed old Lola the ropes here about 10 years ago.
Dr. Spratt: I'll be better at it -- smarter, prettier, more confident.
You know the drill by now.
[ Giggles ]
So, where are these ropes?
Owen: They're by the tomahtoes.
Glenn: I feel weird about doing this in front of the patient.
I mean, the poor girl was abandoned here this morning.
We don't even have a name.
Valerie: Don't worry.
She's in a coma.
Glenn: Yeah. Well, what about Blake?
Valerie: Blake, Glenn and I are going out.
Do you know what that means?
Blake: Well, yeah, sort of.
I mean, kids today say they're going out, but what does that even mean, you know?
It's like, "Where are you going?" "Out."
Valerie: No, I mean, do you know what that means for you and me?
We're breaking up.
Blake: Oh.
Well, that is unexpected -- mostly because we weren't dating.
Wait -- were we dating?
Valerie: Goodbye, Blake.
Blake: Oh, man.
Glenn: Uh, sidebar, if I may?
Blake: Permission granted.
Glenn: She's gone.
Dori: Sy, what's all this?
Sy: In a nutshell -- years ago, my ex-wife and I were a covert team of assassins for a secret government agency.
Dori: Got it.
Sy: I hated the life and got out.
My wife went rogue.
Dori: That's not good.
Sy: She pledged she'd k*ll me by my 60th birthday, which is today, so I'm installing this hospital-wide security system.
Dori: Oy, Sy.
Happy birthday.
I have to needlepoint you something.
Sy: I'm a 42 short.
Beth: So, every 10 minutes, the alarm goes off, and then you have 10 seconds to press this button, or the patient will die.
Lola: Well, what does the button do?
Beth: I don't know.
You're the doctor.
Lola: Yes, I am a doctor.
And this job seems more suited to a monkey or a common nurse in a zoo.
[ Rapid beeping ]
Ohh! Fine!
[ Beeping stops ]
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry I called you a monkey.
Beth: Look, we go through a lot of intense stuff here every day, so let's just chalk it up to that and move on.
Lola: Okay. Cool.
Beth: Remember, every 10 minutes.
Lola: Oh. 10 minutes.
And done.
Valerie: We have to find our missing coma girl.
I mean -- wait. Blake's watching.
Put your hand down my pants or something.
Glenn: What?! No!
What is your deal with Blake, anyway?
I mean, how could you guys date without him even knowing it?
Valerie: We never dated.
I just told him we did so I could have the fun of breaking up with him.
He's looking again.
Just...give me a hickey.
Glenn: Oh, fine.
Valerie: This used to be us.
Blake: When?
Owen: Well, unless I miss my guess, this is Lyme disease.
Dr. Spratt: I agree -- she's not good enough for you.
Owen: Huh?
Dr. Spratt: What? Oh. Sorry.
When you said "disease" I thought you said "Lola" and I just discovered a cure.
Me.
[ Pager beeping ]
Lola: Damn!
[ Sighs ]
Whoo!
Ugh!
[ Panting ]
[ Rapid beeping ]
[ Beeping stops ]
[ Sighs ]
Too close, Lola.
Too close.
Sy: All right, Dori.
I'm finished.
Now, where are we with the extra security guards I ordered?
Dori: There's one in front of each --
Sy: Double them.
Dori: Let me finish!!
Sy: Sorry.
Dori: Thank you.
Before you interrupted me, I was going to say, there's one in front of each door.
Sy: Thank you.
Double them.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Dori: Hey, Sy... these wires have been cut.
Sy: She's already here.
[ Power shuts off ]
Wow!
Chet: You called for me, pretty doctor?
Lola: Yes, Chet.
I need you to press this button every 10 minutes.
I'll pay you.
Chet: Oh. With kissies?
Lola: With money.
Chet: W-will you at least give the money kissies?
Lola: Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Whatever.
Chet: Whatever.
She'll do whatever.
She'll do whatever.
Blake: I feel like if you guys hadn't been making out, the patient wouldn't have slipped away.
Valerie: We weren't making out.
Blake: Val, I'm starting to think that you're messing with my head.
Ohh!
Valerie: [ Sighs ]
Well, Blake's been punched.
Glenn: Uh, good.
So, what do you say you and I --
Valerie: Yes.
Set him up in the room, put fake blood in his mouth and on the bed, and convince him that he ate the patient.
Glenn: Or I was gonna say hang out, but, you know, okay.
Yeah.
Hey.
Blake: What the hell?!
Ohh!
[ Groans ]
Valerie: Well, Blake's been punched again.
Thoughts?
Owen: I feel kind of weird about this.
Dr. Spratt: Yeah, it's really weird to just stare at each other for so long.
I'm just really good at it.
Owen: No, I feel kind of weird because of Lola.
Dr. Spratt: You're obsessed with my sister!
Okay. [ Chuckles ]
Look, I'm gonna level with you, Owen.
When Lola was born, God said, "Unh-unh. Do-over.
I said in my[/i] image."
And then he got straight to work on this business right here.
Now kiss me!
Sal: Attention, staff.
Will Chet the paramedic please stop whatever he's doing and report to the E.R.?
Lola: Damn it! The button!
[ Scoffs ]
Ugh!
Oh... aahh!
Okay, what?!
Oh, God.
Oh, come on!
This is a children's hospital!
Move it!
[ Rapid beeping ]
[ Beeping stops ]
[ Sighing ] Ohhh! This is really pushing my buttons.
[ Laughs ]
But it is.
Glenn: Valerie, Blake is never gonna believe that he ate this girl.
Valerie: I know.
We'll hide her under the bed and we'll coat the inside of his mouth with food.
That way, he has a taste in his mouth.
Do you have food on you?
I have breath mints and half a hot dog.
Which one do you think tastes more like people?
Glenn: Hot dog, but there's a larger issue here.
You're clearly obsessed with Blake.
I mean, sure, you make fun of him, but you're logging a lot of hours doing it.
And now she's gone again.
Sal: The hospital is currently on lockdown.
If you are seen leaving the room you are in, you will be fired.
Lola: [ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]
I wonder if that's a size 4. Hmm.
Awesome.
[ Grunting ]
Owen: No!
No, Maxine, I can't do this.
Lola's my girlfriend.
Plus, it's worth mentioning that your mouth tastes like people.
What kind of mints do you use?
Dr. Spratt: Hot-dog mints. Why?
Lola: Oh, Owen.
Dr. Spratt: You're choosing that over me?
Owen: Yes, Maxine.
Lola is the one for me.
Sure, you're prettier and you're smarter, and you're probably a better doctor, and you're younger and you're interesting...
Sy: Can I help you, little girl?
Ohhh.
So, when your mother said she "lost the baby," she really meant she gave it to the agency to program in order to activate to k*ll me on my 60th birthday.
You look a lot like her.
This is no life for a little girl.
You should be in a playground, being pushed on a swing by your daddy.
And here's the worst part -- you're never gonna have a chance to tell your mom that I said hello.
Owen: ...And you're fun and I'm happier when I'm around you than I am when I'm with Linda.
Lola: "Lola."
[ Alarm beeping ]
Oh! Ugh! Damn!
I really wanted to see where this was going. Got to go.
Owen: And you're funny, we like to watch the same TV shows, and you don't wear those stupid glasses that she wears.
[ Both grunting ]
[ Rapid beeping ]
[ Beeping stops ]
Lola: What?
I don't get it.
There are no wires? What?
This button wasn't even connected to anything.
Or perhaps it was connected to everything.
Lola: What?
How did -- well, how are you...?
Everything is connected, Lola.
There can be no loose ends.
Maybe everything starts out connected, and life is about trying to remember that.
Valerie: I've realized it now.
I'm in love with you.
But the only way I can express myself is by doing really weird things to your mind.
Blake: I know that now.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Ugh!
Maybe we all started out connected.
[ Both grunting ]
And we're just trying to get back there.
N-no, no, no.
Let's not ruin this.
Lola: I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
Dori: Aaaaaah!
Sy: Dori. Dori! It's okay.
It's all right. This is my daughter. I did this.
Dori: Let me guess -- your wife sent her to k*ll you in her place?
Sy: Well, that's exactly right.
Dori: Oh, that reminds me -- I just needlepointed you a new tweed jacket.
Sy: Thank you.
Sal: Attention, staff.
Remember, this is all taking place in a Puerto Rican midget's fart.
04x09 - A Kid Walks in to a Hospital
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.