Sy: Hey, chief. What are you up to?
Chief: Oh, man. I am getting the hell out of here just as fast as these crippled old legs can carry me.
This is my day off, b*tches!
Whoo! Yeah.
Sy: Yeah, I give her about an hour to figure out an excuse to get back in here.
She hates leaving here, you know?
Dori: Are you really asking if I know?
Or is that just rhetorical?
You don't give a rat's ass as to whether or not I know or don't know about how chief hates leaving this place!
Damn you!
Frankie: Come on.
Take it easy, you mamaluke.
[ Groans ]
I need to check in.
Dori: Ooh.
We only treat children here.
Vito: I don't see an issue here.
This person's 5 years old.
Sy: Yeah. Dori.
Um, let's check in this child... This 5-year-old child who I'm sure has I.D. proving his age.
Frankie: [ Groans ]
Dori: Oh.
I always have trouble guessing people's ages -- mostly with hilarious results.
You'll see.
Now, what seems to be the problem, young man?
Frankie: I fell on a b*llet.
Dori: [ Chuckles ] Kids.
Owen: Well, you're making real progress, Douglas.
Tell me, does it hurt when I do this?
[ Sternly ] You are worthless.
Yes. That hurts.
[ Knock on door ]
Briggs: Did someone say they needed a hero or is that just the theme music that's always playing in my head?
Owen: Detective Chance Briggs, you velvet, poker-playing bulldog --
What's my old partner doing here?
Briggs: I got put on desk duty for losing my hearing.
Owen: Since when is hearing important for a cop?
Briggs: Since a juvie perp yelled "don't sh**t" and I sh*t him.
Owen: I can't believe they would strip Lt. Chance Briggs of his badge because he can't hear a little.
Briggs: And can you believe they would strip Lt. Chance Briggs -- you just said that, didn't you?
Owen: I did.
Briggs: I thought you did but my hearing is completely sh*t, just like that juvie perp.
Owen: So you're taking the next logical step -- coming here to become a doctor so you can cure yourself.
Briggs: If I heard you correctly, yes, I am.
Owen: Well, allow me to show you around.
I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about doctoring.
Briggs: It's a date!
Owen: [ Chuckles ]
But not a date date.
Briggs: I know.
Frankie: Pssst! Pssst!
Sy! Sy!
Eh, eh. Eeeeeh!
On behalf of the family, here's a little something for the hospitality, eh?
Dookie: It's money!
Frankie: Hey, Dookie!
You ruined the surprise!
Sy: Listen. Could we not make food in here?
Vito: Sy, relax.
It's nothing!
We just got a little Italian sausage, some peppers, some ground beef, some tomatoes, some onions, some gabagool, some basil, some oregano, sautéed chicken livers.
I got some beautiful wasabi, olive oil, sliced, thin garlic and a pinch of salt to taste -- it's nothin'!
Frankie: Yeah, Sy.
You worry too much.
It's bad for your pores.
Hey, do me a favor.
Take this and go build a new wing.
Vito: Or a leg!
Frankie: Or a thigh!
Dookie: Or an addition!
Or an annex!
[ Laughs ]
Vito: Dummy.
We're making a joke here.
Dookie: No, you -- you said...
Frankie: You broke the joke, you stunad!
Dookie: [ Laughs ]
Frankie: My own kid.
Sy: I'm way over my head.
Chief: I hate days off.
I'm addicted to doctoring.
When I was young, I ran a shoe-shine stand at a local hospital just so I could be around it.
Now I spend my days off watching kids, hoping they hurt themselves.
[ Choking ]
Chief: Yes!!
Don't worry, little girl!
I'm a doctor!
I can save you!
You're choking!
I will give you the gift of life!
Blake: Dueling days off, I guess, huh, chief?
Tough luck.
Now, why don't you go get your shine box?
Chief: [ Sighs deeply ]
[ Rock music plays ]
Blake: Huh? Ugh!
Chief: [ Screams ]
Blake: Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
[ Music continues ]
Chief: Aah!
Oh!
Aah!
[ Music ends ]
Owen: We got a 10-year-old girl with abdominal pains.
What's the call?
Briggs: Well, I guess I would...
Owen: No, Briggs. Come on.
What's the call?
Think!
Briggs: Okay...I do something like... I'd put her on a monoclonal antibody full-service platform and an h7n7-ha Elisa kit.
Owen: Not bad at all.
You were hesitant at first, but once you got going, you showed a surprising knowledge of medicine.
Now you're giving a look like, "hey, I think I know that guy."
Man, I am really nailing what's happening from moment to moment.
Sal: Attention, staff.
I'm going to go get the papers.
That is all.
That is all.
Beth: You guys are all so big for five.
What are your mommies feeding you?
Gabagool.
Beth: You guys are like Popeye and these gabagools are spinach.
What is gabagool?
I don't know.
It could be spinach.
Sy: Cat, I am in way over my head.
Every time I go into that room, they pull me in deeper.
It's like I want to get out of that room, but they keep pulling me back in...to the room.
Cat: Now, Sy, you just need to know how to speak to them.
Let me show you. Watch.
Cat: Hi.
I'm Dr. Cat Black and --
Dookie: Shhh!
My dad's napping.
He naps for five minutes every hour.
He says it's good for the skin.
Cat: Really? Does he have any advice for split ends?
Ooh.
Dookie: Yeah, actually, he says you should only brush your hair once a day, and only in the middle of the night when your hair is asleep so you could sneak up on it.
Cat: Yeah, but, see, that wouldn't work for me because my hair has insomnia and always has.
Dookie: You're really fun to talk to.
Cat: Yeah.
It's funny -- I came in here to broker peace for Sy, but...
God, you're not like these other guys.
You've got kind eyes and no sense of humor.
What's your name?
Dookie: Dookie.
Cat: Okay.
Dookie.
Dookie: Dookie.
Cat: Wow.
Dookie: What's your name?
Cat: Cat.
Dookie: Cat -- like the animal, the cat?
Cat: Yeah. God, you're cute.
The only thing I don't like about you is that wife-beater.
Dookie: You mean my dad?
No, I know.
Frankie: Okay! I'm up!
Let's go! Back to business!
Cat: I'll see you around, Dookie.
Dookie: Hey, not -- not if I see you around first, before you see me around.
Sy: Hi. Some of the parents are getting a little suspicious.
Frankie: You need more money, Sy?
Give him some money.
Sy: No. No. No.
Don't -- don't do that. No.
I-I feel like I've made a mistake, and I mean this is the nicest way -- I need you to leave.
Frankie: Sylvester Hiram Mittleman.
That's Italian, ain't it?
Sy: It's Sicilian.
Frankie: Well, okay.
I am now officially gonna open up the books.
You -- you are now... a made man.
Sy: No.
Frankie: Look. What's yours...is mine.
Sy: Never go against the family, Sy.
Capiche?
Dookie: Oh. Papa Senori.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Briggs: This guy looks just like crime boss Frankie Ciavaterri, but this guy is 5 and Frankie has got to be at least 65.
It doesn't add up.
I'm gonna question him.
Owen: Ah, Briggs, it's not your job anymore.
Briggs, did you hear me?
Briggs: Yeah, I did.
I was just pretending not to.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ g*nsh*t ]
[ Indistinct screaming ]
Owen: Holster that w*apon, doctor.
In this hospital, we don't fight with b*ll*ts.
We fight with these.
Whoops. Wrong hand.
We fight with these.
Briggs: Ah, pills.
That hits home.
Owen: Now, let's go save some ass.
[ Rock music plays ]
Chief: I had to get the kid to the hospital, punch in, treat her, locate her family, get back to the park, get Blake's body, and dissolve it in a drum of acid.
Owen: b*llet's lodged in his shoulder.
He lost a lot of blood.
I'm gonna need more gauze.
Briggs -- more gauze!
Briggs: Get your own gauze!
I'm a cop, Owen -- not a doctor.
And if that means I have to lie to my bosses that I have the ability to perceive sound, so be it!
[ Inhales deeply ]
Briggs: Officer Chance Briggs requesting backup.
We got a 10-87 over at Childrens!
Dookie: Hey!
Cat: Oh.
Dookie: Human cat.
Cat: Hey, dookie.
Dookie: My dad says that I should ask you out.
Cat: Really?
Are you sure your family won't care if we dated?
Because, keep in my mind, I'm Jewish and I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
Dookie: Why would they care about that?
Cat: Oh, dookie.
Dookie: Eeeh-o.
Oh. Mmm.
W-wow! [ Chuckles ]
I can't wait to tell my dad I'm in love with some blabbermouth Jew broad who kisses like a black chick!
Cat: [ Giggles ]
I know she's in there!
Everyone, there is a whore in recovery room 2!
Frankie: How you doin'?
Briggs: You're under arrest.
Cat: No. No.
He's not like them.
He's different.
Dookie: No. I'm not, Cat.
Cat: But you have such a kind heart.
Dookie: I have a learning disability.
Cat: Tomato, tomahto.
Dookie: Who says "tomahto"?
Cat: Wealthy people, British waiters, Frasier's brother --
Dookie: I have been making my gravy since I'm little -- I never heard no one say "tomahto."
Goodbye, human cat -- or in your people's language, "meow."
Cat: Meow.
[ Sobs ]
Chief: Ah-ha. Finally.
[ Laughs ]
[ Gasps ] Uh-oh -- the pigs.
[ Laughs ]
Owen: Briggs, I took you under my wing...
Briggs: Owen, I'm a partially deaf cop.
Cut me open with a scalpel or sh**t me with a .38, but root around inside that bloody hole that you just made and you'll find that I'm police officer through and through.
Blake: Officer!
[ Gasps ] Oh, thank God!
Chief tried to k*ll me!
Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters!
But I could easily have been thought of by most as dead!
Briggs: What did you say?
You're dead?!
Blake: No.
Briggs: Officers, he's dead, and he's still walking!
He must be a zombie!
sh**t to k*ll!
Blake: No!
Owen: Briggs! Briggs! Briggs!
Briggs, you got it all wrong!
Briggs: You're right.
We have to destroy the zombie's brain!
Go for the head!
Owen: [ Sighs ]
Briggs: You are under arrest for turning Dr. Blake Downs into a zombie.
Chief: What?!
What are you talking about?
He's not a zombie!
Briggs: Not anymore, he's not.
Chief: What are you, deaf?
Briggs: No.
No, I'm not.
[ Gavel pounding ]
This meeting has come to order.
We have come to a decision.
Chief, the board finds you innocent of turning Dr. Blake Downs into a zombie.
But we find you guilty of attempting to practice medicine on your day off.
Your medical license is hereby revoked for the period of one month.
[ Gavel bangs ]
Chief: The hardest thing for me was to leave the life.
I loved being a doctor.
We did what we wanted.
When I was out of patients to treat, I'd just go out and hurt some kids and treat them.
It was all ours for the taking.
Now it's all over.
And I have to live the rest of this month like a shnook.
[ "I want it all" plays ]
♪ I want it all ♪
♪ from the bright lights of Vegas ♪
♪ to the steps of the great China wall ♪
♪ I want it all ♪
♪ from champagne in Paris ♪
♪ to the best show that you ever saw at Carnegie Hall ♪
♪ yeah, you know me ♪
♪ and I want it all ♪
Sal: Attention, staff.
The members of the board may unfreeze now.
That is all.
04x13 - Wisedocs
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.